Welcome back to the bottom, we've missed you

I think I've pretty much hit the bottom yet again. The last few weeks have been the worst in years, with both my eyebrows gone and a LOT of damage to both of my top eyelashes (somehow the bottoms have remained in tact). And it's summer time which means the bright lights, sweating, and everything else is in full effect. Fun times.

I cant tell you exactly how i've gotten here other than to say I seem to have lost all willpower and cant seem to stop pulling at all. Self esteem is also nice and low which just continues to contribute to the bottomless pit I often feel I'm stuck in.

To top it off, I just found out I'm pregnant. It's a bit of a shock and I'm terrified. Add to that stress that last week I found out my thyroid levels were incredibly low (I have hypothyrodism which means my thyroid function is below normal- i've been on medication for years and every so often the meds have to be adjusted. I should have TSH levels around a 2.5 right now and they were at a 22, now down to a 20). Oh yes, that just adds to the stress and complications- as google has terrified me into knowing that low thyroid function makes my likelihood of a miscarriage about 5 times that of someone with regular levels and I had no idea miscarriages were so common to begin with.

So i'm feeling crappy and terrified and stressed and its a vicious cycle to be in. We decided to tell our immediate families only just so that they could be clued in in case something does go wrong and I need the support. My husband seems to be in shock and I'm not sure it's sunk in for him yet. We have our first appointment with the doctor tomorrow so I'm just praying all goes well. To be honest, as horrible as it sounds, I'm just waiting to miscarry- at least this way I can try and brace for the sadness and disappointment. I'm sure that is not helping the situation but I'm too afraid to be happy and excited and I have 8 months to go (I had always promised to be incredibly open and honest on this blog so you are all finding out LONG before many of our friends and family).

So that's the bad and the ugly right not. If you could send prayers and positive vibes my way I would greatly appreciate it. I'm a big ball of hormones right now and just hoping that while all this is going on I can find a way to also get back on track with not pulling. This disease continues to be a dark cloud that makes one feel like there will never be an escape. Either way, I could really use some good news right now so if you have found anything that works, or just want to tell me that you are doing great, please message me and let me know.

As always, thanks for reading and I truly hope you are doing better than I am today!