Well I have learned my lesson to have a little more faith in people. I received an email from the hypnotist last night along with copies of the recordings- apparently she was on vacation. So tonight I will give the recordings another shot and see if it helps at all. Depending on how that goes for the next few weeks will determine whether or not I move forward with another session- it might not be for some time though since I need to save some money.
On Monday we leave for Italy and my lashes and eyebrows are not quite where I want them to be but certainly better. My left eye lashes are thin but there and the right actually looks pretty good. Both eyebrows are coming in slowly but surely. Phew. Wouldnt it be nice if we could just make a magic want and have them grow in at least somewhat quicker? The "growing" phase can be tough with so many prickly and out of place hairs.
Amazingly I have had some stray hairs on other parts of my body that I havent gone crazy about- yes I have tried to pull here and there but they have not set me into a panicky need to pull like they might have in the past.
So that's about it for now, not too much has been going on (other than I won my trial last week!) but just busy working before leaving for our trip (and in the process making room for the boyfriend to move in- I have gotten rid of more clothes than any person should have, especially for my tiny NYC apartment!)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Taking the good with the bad
The last few weeks have been completely crazy and I"m hoping to finally finish up a trial tomorrow which is why I've been a bit MIA. With all the craziness there have been some ups and downs. I'll start with the downs.
The hypnosis doesnt work for me. Sadly it just didn't stick. About a week ago, despite the affirmation, I gave in to the pulling. For the last 2 1/2 weeks I've wanted to pull. I only pulled about 2 hairs but the urges are back in full force. Knowing that things were getting tough, I went back to the email to listen to the recording of my hypnosis sessions which had been helping. Sadly, they were "expired" and I can no longer access them. I emailed Nancy in the hopes that she would send me a copy of the recordings (i did spend close to $800 for the two sessions, I figured I could at least get a copy) but she has yet to respond and it's been over a week. It kind of pisses me off. Actually, it really pisses me off. I have another appointment wiht her scheduled for next Wednesday but unless she suddenly sends me the recordings (and permanent copies) i will not be attending.
On a positive note, yesterday I watched the video on the upcoming HBO documentary that features footage from my trial last March. I was so nervous that the footage would show a close up of my eyes and eyebrows- and couldnt recall exactly what shape my lashes and eyebrows were in- but fortunately it looks great and you cant even tell. phew. The documentary is on the NYC sex crimes unit and is tough to watch but interesting- it iwll be airing on HBO on June 20 and I recommend watching it (other than for just selfish reasons- my trial footage is not a big part of the film)
Also on a positive note, the hair I was worried wasnt fully coming back in has made a lot of improvement. I have also been handling the urges pretty well as I'm motivated by my upcoming trip to italy and cohabitation with the boyfriend. It hasnt been easy but I've been keeping busy and getting up when the urges hit so it's been manageable.
So that's about it for now. I wish I could have had better news with the hypnosis as i was really really hoping it would be a success. I know that Christina from the trich support group website had said it has very mixed results but I had high hopes. Oh well. I will just have to keep fighting. Buy-bye $800, at least I tried :(
The hypnosis doesnt work for me. Sadly it just didn't stick. About a week ago, despite the affirmation, I gave in to the pulling. For the last 2 1/2 weeks I've wanted to pull. I only pulled about 2 hairs but the urges are back in full force. Knowing that things were getting tough, I went back to the email to listen to the recording of my hypnosis sessions which had been helping. Sadly, they were "expired" and I can no longer access them. I emailed Nancy in the hopes that she would send me a copy of the recordings (i did spend close to $800 for the two sessions, I figured I could at least get a copy) but she has yet to respond and it's been over a week. It kind of pisses me off. Actually, it really pisses me off. I have another appointment wiht her scheduled for next Wednesday but unless she suddenly sends me the recordings (and permanent copies) i will not be attending.
On a positive note, yesterday I watched the video on the upcoming HBO documentary that features footage from my trial last March. I was so nervous that the footage would show a close up of my eyes and eyebrows- and couldnt recall exactly what shape my lashes and eyebrows were in- but fortunately it looks great and you cant even tell. phew. The documentary is on the NYC sex crimes unit and is tough to watch but interesting- it iwll be airing on HBO on June 20 and I recommend watching it (other than for just selfish reasons- my trial footage is not a big part of the film)
Also on a positive note, the hair I was worried wasnt fully coming back in has made a lot of improvement. I have also been handling the urges pretty well as I'm motivated by my upcoming trip to italy and cohabitation with the boyfriend. It hasnt been easy but I've been keeping busy and getting up when the urges hit so it's been manageable.
So that's about it for now. I wish I could have had better news with the hypnosis as i was really really hoping it would be a success. I know that Christina from the trich support group website had said it has very mixed results but I had high hopes. Oh well. I will just have to keep fighting. Buy-bye $800, at least I tried :(
Thursday, April 7, 2011
A Family Affair
Lots of people on other blogs and online support groups have commented on the various reactions from family members once they discover that the person has trich. Sadly, most of these reactions are not pleasant and have caused a lot of pain to the person suffering from trich and part of me thinks that at least a small part of that negative reaction can be attributed to the family member simply not knowing how to react.
I believe that most parents want to help their children but what do you do when your child has a destructive habit/disease that there is no cure for? Many people dont know anything about trich, let alone that it is so much more than a physical problem but that it has such a negative effect on our self esteem. About two posts ago I commented on how my dad would sometimes draw my eyelashes before going away so he could compare, and possibly punish me, if they were not the same when he returned. I've never forgotten that and while I know without a doubt my dad loves me and would never do anything to hurt me, it still has (obviously) had a last impact and was very hurtful and embarrassing. I wonder if it would have been different had our parents reacted differntly? But what could they have done?
My parents tried almost everything to get me to stop. Punishments, therapy, gloves, band aids, embarassment (I was also not allowed to get contacts until I stopped- after I hit 14 and still hadn't stopped what was then a 6 year habit, my parents caved and let me get rid of my hideous glasses. Oh yeah, and my mom used to say "boys dont make passes at girls who wear glasses" as kind of a fucked up incentive. Sweet)
Anyway, I digress. What made me first think to write this post in the first place was that this past weekend I attended a bat mitvah for my cousin and had lots of family around. It brought into sharp focus how many family members I have with some form of trich but also saddened me to think that out of the 8 or so family members that have had the disease in some form, not one ever talked to me about it in a productive way. My cousin, the cousin I am closest to but lives in CA, had trich worse than me but managed to stop. I have tried for YEARS to get her to talk to me about it, even told her about the hypnotist this past weekend, but she just doesnt want to. How can I push it, is that fair to her? I know how embarrassing and hard it can be to talk about it but it still bothers me.
I dont know. Besides my mom who pulled her eyelashes for a short time and then just stopped (and she can offer no helpful tips) my cousin is the person who would be able to relate to me the best. I know I have to let it go but I hope and pray that if I ever have kids or nieces or nephews or even friends that have trich, that I will happily offer them every and any resource and help I can. I hope that one day this is no longer a shameful disease but something people know about and understand, so that we can all feel comfortable talking about it.
Anyway, on another note, my boyfriend met my entire family at the bat mitvah and was a bit hit. We also had some pretty serious discussions this weekend and have decided to move in together. Even though he knows about my trich I still would never want him to see me completely without make up (and my hair is growing back pretty slowly but still growing back) so I have until June to get everything back. Let's hope the hypnosis sticks but my motivation just grew even more!!
I believe that most parents want to help their children but what do you do when your child has a destructive habit/disease that there is no cure for? Many people dont know anything about trich, let alone that it is so much more than a physical problem but that it has such a negative effect on our self esteem. About two posts ago I commented on how my dad would sometimes draw my eyelashes before going away so he could compare, and possibly punish me, if they were not the same when he returned. I've never forgotten that and while I know without a doubt my dad loves me and would never do anything to hurt me, it still has (obviously) had a last impact and was very hurtful and embarrassing. I wonder if it would have been different had our parents reacted differntly? But what could they have done?
My parents tried almost everything to get me to stop. Punishments, therapy, gloves, band aids, embarassment (I was also not allowed to get contacts until I stopped- after I hit 14 and still hadn't stopped what was then a 6 year habit, my parents caved and let me get rid of my hideous glasses. Oh yeah, and my mom used to say "boys dont make passes at girls who wear glasses" as kind of a fucked up incentive. Sweet)
Anyway, I digress. What made me first think to write this post in the first place was that this past weekend I attended a bat mitvah for my cousin and had lots of family around. It brought into sharp focus how many family members I have with some form of trich but also saddened me to think that out of the 8 or so family members that have had the disease in some form, not one ever talked to me about it in a productive way. My cousin, the cousin I am closest to but lives in CA, had trich worse than me but managed to stop. I have tried for YEARS to get her to talk to me about it, even told her about the hypnotist this past weekend, but she just doesnt want to. How can I push it, is that fair to her? I know how embarrassing and hard it can be to talk about it but it still bothers me.
I dont know. Besides my mom who pulled her eyelashes for a short time and then just stopped (and she can offer no helpful tips) my cousin is the person who would be able to relate to me the best. I know I have to let it go but I hope and pray that if I ever have kids or nieces or nephews or even friends that have trich, that I will happily offer them every and any resource and help I can. I hope that one day this is no longer a shameful disease but something people know about and understand, so that we can all feel comfortable talking about it.
Anyway, on another note, my boyfriend met my entire family at the bat mitvah and was a bit hit. We also had some pretty serious discussions this weekend and have decided to move in together. Even though he knows about my trich I still would never want him to see me completely without make up (and my hair is growing back pretty slowly but still growing back) so I have until June to get everything back. Let's hope the hypnosis sticks but my motivation just grew even more!!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Regression
I received a comment asking about regression which I had decided not to do. I wish I could be more helpful and offer deeper insight but i shut down pretty quickly to the idea. Basically the hypnotist wanted to bring me back, in the trance, to the first time I pulled so that we could better understand why it was I pulled the first time in the hopes that we could change that pattern of behavior.
I guess I've tried so hard over the years to make sense over why I pull but at this point would rather focus on how to stop. It's hard to explain but people trying to tell me what I was feeling or why I started this make me very anxious. Part of me really thinks its genetics because of all the people that have trich in my family. Nancy had told me that really it didnt matter if I could remember exactly what I was doing or feeling at the exact time but we could even plant an idea in my head. She asked me questions like "did you see your mother pull?" (no), "were you upset about a test you were studying for?" (rarely, especially not at that age), were you having family issues?"(eh, always but who the heck remembers specifics), "did you feel lonely or not have many friends so you were upset?" (no, I grew up in a very close community and had a lot of friends in 3rd grade when I had not yet even hit the massive awkward stage).
So I dont know if it would have helped or not or what the process is exactly, I just know that for me it didnt feel like a productive use of the time and money I was spending, especially since I knew that due to limited finances that would likely be my last session). For anyone who may be interested or want to know more, Nancy Donenfeld does answer her own phone and is happy to answer questions so I would encourage you to call her. Sorry I cant be more helpful but if anyone decides to do it I'd love to hear more about it, maybe I should have been more open minded.
I guess I've tried so hard over the years to make sense over why I pull but at this point would rather focus on how to stop. It's hard to explain but people trying to tell me what I was feeling or why I started this make me very anxious. Part of me really thinks its genetics because of all the people that have trich in my family. Nancy had told me that really it didnt matter if I could remember exactly what I was doing or feeling at the exact time but we could even plant an idea in my head. She asked me questions like "did you see your mother pull?" (no), "were you upset about a test you were studying for?" (rarely, especially not at that age), were you having family issues?"(eh, always but who the heck remembers specifics), "did you feel lonely or not have many friends so you were upset?" (no, I grew up in a very close community and had a lot of friends in 3rd grade when I had not yet even hit the massive awkward stage).
So I dont know if it would have helped or not or what the process is exactly, I just know that for me it didnt feel like a productive use of the time and money I was spending, especially since I knew that due to limited finances that would likely be my last session). For anyone who may be interested or want to know more, Nancy Donenfeld does answer her own phone and is happy to answer questions so I would encourage you to call her. Sorry I cant be more helpful but if anyone decides to do it I'd love to hear more about it, maybe I should have been more open minded.
Friday, April 1, 2011
The day it all started
Can you remember the day that you started pulling? Had you seen someone else pull? how did it start?
I can remember the first day even though it was 22 years ago when I was 8 years old. I dont remember a lot of specifics, like what made me pull that first one, but I do remember that I was sitting at a black desk in the living room of my old house doing homework and I pulled them all out. I remember being able to see the lashes even though they were black and somewhat faded into the color of the desk. It was one of those desks where it's more like a chest and you pull down a panel and it becomes a desk, do you know what I mean? I remember the hair being all over and part of me kind of liked it. Even then I knew it was something i wanted to keep secret and I recall being conscious of where everyone in the house was. I also remember blowing and wiping all the hair away when i was done with my homework and feeling slightly nervous and ashamed at what would happen next. What I didnt know was that it was the start of 22 years of shame and heartache, of insecurities and embarrassment.
There is a lot of random little thoughts about trich that I recall. For example, I remember my dad going away at some point - this is after my parents became aware of my pulling- and drawing a picture of my eyes and where all my eyelashes were. The point was so that he could compare whether or not I had pulled when he returned. I dont remember if I was punished when he returned as I'm sure I did pull but I remember feeling so embarassed and ashamed of the whole process.
I think that is the worst part of this disease- the shame. It makes us so insecure and shameful even though it's a disease and we have nothing to feel ashamed about. We can't help it. It's funny how you live with something for so long and build it up in your head but when others that love you find out, they dont think it's even half as big of a deal as we expected it to be. Maybe if more people knew about this disease and understood it we could eliminate the shame we all feel and really start tackling finding ways to beat it. I dont know. I just hope my own trich goes no further than 22 years- that is enough for me.
I can remember the first day even though it was 22 years ago when I was 8 years old. I dont remember a lot of specifics, like what made me pull that first one, but I do remember that I was sitting at a black desk in the living room of my old house doing homework and I pulled them all out. I remember being able to see the lashes even though they were black and somewhat faded into the color of the desk. It was one of those desks where it's more like a chest and you pull down a panel and it becomes a desk, do you know what I mean? I remember the hair being all over and part of me kind of liked it. Even then I knew it was something i wanted to keep secret and I recall being conscious of where everyone in the house was. I also remember blowing and wiping all the hair away when i was done with my homework and feeling slightly nervous and ashamed at what would happen next. What I didnt know was that it was the start of 22 years of shame and heartache, of insecurities and embarrassment.
There is a lot of random little thoughts about trich that I recall. For example, I remember my dad going away at some point - this is after my parents became aware of my pulling- and drawing a picture of my eyes and where all my eyelashes were. The point was so that he could compare whether or not I had pulled when he returned. I dont remember if I was punished when he returned as I'm sure I did pull but I remember feeling so embarassed and ashamed of the whole process.
I think that is the worst part of this disease- the shame. It makes us so insecure and shameful even though it's a disease and we have nothing to feel ashamed about. We can't help it. It's funny how you live with something for so long and build it up in your head but when others that love you find out, they dont think it's even half as big of a deal as we expected it to be. Maybe if more people knew about this disease and understood it we could eliminate the shame we all feel and really start tackling finding ways to beat it. I dont know. I just hope my own trich goes no further than 22 years- that is enough for me.
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