I'm a little behind but I have finally figured out how to remove the "followers" box which shows who is following my blog. I don't know whether everyone feels as I do but having battled trich for the last 20+ years I know that I am super protective of my identity when it comes to trich. I subscribe to a yahoo trich listserv and I didn't even use my real name. Now I think the cat is out of the bag a bit, especially since I have started another blog for my law firm and the accounts are connected, but I wanted anyone reading this to know that I do value your support and respect a desire you may have to remain anonymous.
On another note, I am having a lot of trouble today staying away from my left eyebrow! ugh!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Summertime
It's been a busy few weeks- a trial I did was recently part of an HBO documentary so we have been trying to capitalize on the free press for the new business. Also, my boyfriend has moved in and we are all situated in our tiny little apartment. Seriously, it's small but if we can make it work here then I think we can make it work anywhere.
My battle with trich has varied day to day. It's so hard when the little hairs start to grow in and they are prickly and I just want to pull them. Grrrrr. It's also that wonderful (insert sarcastic tone) time of the year when it's harder to hide- make up is more visible in the bright lights, swimming causes anxiety, you know how it is. But i'm still trying. And I love that big sunglasses (which hide some of the damage) are still in style!
My battle with trich has varied day to day. It's so hard when the little hairs start to grow in and they are prickly and I just want to pull them. Grrrrr. It's also that wonderful (insert sarcastic tone) time of the year when it's harder to hide- make up is more visible in the bright lights, swimming causes anxiety, you know how it is. But i'm still trying. And I love that big sunglasses (which hide some of the damage) are still in style!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Hitting Bottom
Years ago, when I was suffering from a pretty bad period of depression following some awful tragedies, someone told me that sometimes you have to hit bottom so you can push off and head back to the top. That really resonated with me.
So I hit bottom a bit with my trich last week. I wouldnt say it's the "bottom" of how it's ever been- far from it in fact- but it's the lowest point I've been in the last 18 or so months. I pulled out all my hair on my left eyebrow, a few eyelashes in my just returning left eye, and on the right eyelid left a pretty decent sized lash-free gap.
Despite being tweezer free for some time now I will admit that it wasnt all pulling with my hands. I have a scissor, yup, a scissor, and I know exactly how close I can get the blades so that it has the same effect as my tweezers used to. It's embarrassing to admit this but it's true. It's not as bad as it used to be when I would stick safety pins into my skin to "free up" the hairs so that I could pull them out with my tweezers, wiping the blood away as I went but it's still bad and shameful to admit.
The worst part, aside from the shame, is that I'm back to figuring out how to draw in my left eyebrow without making it totally obvious. And since the right one isnt so bad it's hard to get them to match. It's also hard to go back to distancing myself from people, trying to avoid them noticing that my left eyebrow, and some of the right one, are mostly just a mix of eyeliner and eyeshadow. Just Saturday I was at a bridal shower and seated next to the wives of two friends who don't know about my trich- trying to talk to them while being self conscious the entire time was awful. A reminder of how far I had come and how much progress I erased in just one night.
There are many reasons I think I took this giant step back. I'm feeling even more unhappy with my inability to lose those last 10 pounds, especially since I had some TV interviews recently and thought I looked a bit chubby (i know i'm not fat but we all know the weight where we feel our best and i'm just not there). My boyfriend was also moving in which is a BIG step for me with my commitment issues. The idea of living in my fairly small apartment with a person who will be around EVERY day, possibly forever, just freaked me out a bit. I always do that- in the week before a big change I freak out, even when I know it's the right decision. I had warned him I would do it and on my second to last night at home alone, I freaked.
So I've taken a giant step back but once again I'm trying to remind myself that as long as I pick back up and move forward then I'm not a failure. Live and learn, or so some people say. I wish I knew what i was learning from this, from having trich at all, but I guess I probably will never understand this stupid horrible disease. I talked to my boyfriend and asked him to point out when I am touching my eyebrows or eyelashes and remind me not to pull.
I am now 5 days pull free and just hoping that this was my botton and that I have now pushed off and headed back for the top. Maybe one day I will stay there.
So I hit bottom a bit with my trich last week. I wouldnt say it's the "bottom" of how it's ever been- far from it in fact- but it's the lowest point I've been in the last 18 or so months. I pulled out all my hair on my left eyebrow, a few eyelashes in my just returning left eye, and on the right eyelid left a pretty decent sized lash-free gap.
Despite being tweezer free for some time now I will admit that it wasnt all pulling with my hands. I have a scissor, yup, a scissor, and I know exactly how close I can get the blades so that it has the same effect as my tweezers used to. It's embarrassing to admit this but it's true. It's not as bad as it used to be when I would stick safety pins into my skin to "free up" the hairs so that I could pull them out with my tweezers, wiping the blood away as I went but it's still bad and shameful to admit.
The worst part, aside from the shame, is that I'm back to figuring out how to draw in my left eyebrow without making it totally obvious. And since the right one isnt so bad it's hard to get them to match. It's also hard to go back to distancing myself from people, trying to avoid them noticing that my left eyebrow, and some of the right one, are mostly just a mix of eyeliner and eyeshadow. Just Saturday I was at a bridal shower and seated next to the wives of two friends who don't know about my trich- trying to talk to them while being self conscious the entire time was awful. A reminder of how far I had come and how much progress I erased in just one night.
There are many reasons I think I took this giant step back. I'm feeling even more unhappy with my inability to lose those last 10 pounds, especially since I had some TV interviews recently and thought I looked a bit chubby (i know i'm not fat but we all know the weight where we feel our best and i'm just not there). My boyfriend was also moving in which is a BIG step for me with my commitment issues. The idea of living in my fairly small apartment with a person who will be around EVERY day, possibly forever, just freaked me out a bit. I always do that- in the week before a big change I freak out, even when I know it's the right decision. I had warned him I would do it and on my second to last night at home alone, I freaked.
So I've taken a giant step back but once again I'm trying to remind myself that as long as I pick back up and move forward then I'm not a failure. Live and learn, or so some people say. I wish I knew what i was learning from this, from having trich at all, but I guess I probably will never understand this stupid horrible disease. I talked to my boyfriend and asked him to point out when I am touching my eyebrows or eyelashes and remind me not to pull.
I am now 5 days pull free and just hoping that this was my botton and that I have now pushed off and headed back for the top. Maybe one day I will stay there.
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