One Full Week!

I have made it a week. This weekend has been incredibly difficult but I am trying everything and anything and have officially made it 7 days. Right now I want to pull so badly- those eyelashes that are going in the 'wrong direction' are just begging me to pull them out, to play with them, to just do something but I cant. I now need to make it to 2 weeks.

I had decided on Friday that I wouldnt be going out much this weekend b/c I had so much to do for work with a big trial coming up (did I mention that I'm a trial attorney and so my job is basically public speaking with people starting at me? oh yes, more motivation to stop) and staying in can often be a recipe for disaster since we all know what can happen when we are bored. As bad as the urges have been, I want to stop more.

Late at night and early in the morning continue to be the worst times for me and I find myself stroking my eyelashes and eyebrows while I am reading, watching TV, doing work on my computer. First, when i would feel myself doing this while sitting down I would get up and walk away from the spot I was in. In all honesty, I didnt get that much work done because I was so focused on keeping my hands busy- I organized my bedroom, cleaned out all my drawers, sorted through clothes and pictures and anything I could think of. It wasnt my original plan to get rid of all the clutter from my life but thats the path i'm now on and since it keeps me busy and my thoughts from pulling- I'll happily take a more organized and decluttered life instead.

Besides just getting up from my spot (thanks mom for that seemingly simple suggestion that I just wasnt using), I also have been forcing myself to read all the support group emails, to reread my blog, to just focus on the bigger trich picture when I'm feeling bad and the urges are strong. Reading how alone, unhappy, frustrated and out of control people feel with this disease make me want to beat it more so I no longer feel those feelings. It makes me want to stop for me and for them- if I can overcome my own 21 year battle with trich then maybe I can find a way to help other people and have confidence to talk about it openly- to make people more aware of this horrible disease.

My mom and I talk every day and she doesnt bring up trich (she did comment that she is still unsure about bringing it up since she knew for years I hated talking about it) but I make myself bring it up to her and she will talk about it with me. She keeps reminding me not to give up if I slip and I know that she is right. I know that 21 years of this behavior isnt going to change overnight and I'm going to forgive myself if i do slip- I know I'm not perfect but I also know that I cant give up.

The hair is starting to really come in (I had definitely slowed down my pulling after the new year so it's more than just hair from 7 days) and I'm feeling really good about it. I was at brunch yesterday with my boyfriend (whom I like more and more each day even though I dont get to see him as often as I'd like due to our crazy work schedules) and we were sitting in a very bright spot (despite the 0 degree weather) and all I could think of was how good it would be to be sitting in that spot without feeling worried that my makeup wasnt perfect, that he would figure out my secret. I'm still not ready to tell him and I'm not sure when I will be but I'm trying to visualize how it will feel to not be self conscious and uncomfortable just b/c I'm sitting in a spot that is well lit- I think it would feel pretty damn good.

So I made it a week and I'd love to make it 2 weeks but right now, I just want to make it through this weekend. That's my goal- I need to get through today/tonight without pulling. I'm going to go run some errands, maybe meet a friend for an afternoon outing and then come back and clean out my closet before going to bed. Just have to keep busy right now. I dont know why the urges are so bad, if it has to do with getting my period and/or if it's just the natural trich urges, but I've got to make it through the day and hopefully tomorrow I will able to post that I've made it 8 days.

Thanks for reading and I hope anyone reading had a great, pull-free weekend.

Reason #8 to stop- the fear of bright spots/locations.

5 days!!

It's been a crazy few days so i dont have time for my usual ranting but I did just want to comment on a few things today. First, I have been pull free since Sunday (5 full days)!! For now, I just want to make it to a week- that's my goal at the moment. Once I get to a week (once, not if) i will increase my goal but for now I'm proud of my 5 days, it's the longest I've gone in probably close to a year if not more (again, in the interest of full disclosure I will admit that I have "tweezed" here and there but only, seriously only, hairs that clearly would not be normal eyebrow hair even if they were fully grown in- i consider this something I have to let myself so I dont screw up everything which I would likely do if i saw dozens of little random hairs all over).

Sadly I have no real update on the hypnosis. Even after joining an online support group I really havent gotten much of a response on this avenue- one person vaguely responded that new things usually start out well but that she had to use other methods in combination or over time (i couldnt really tell what effect, if any, it really had or how long it helped for). More and more people seem to be connecting trich to caffeine/sugar intake so I'm slowly trying to improve my diet (which, if I'm being honest, consists in large part of sugar and caffeine- I'm convinced I'm thin because of the amount of coffee i drink). Next week I'm also going to add exercise to the plan since I've definitely slacked off in that area and reducing stress levels may help too. Who knows but I'm trying anything and everything.

Putting aside the treatment options for a minute, last night I went to a networking function with my friend Kate, the one I told 2 days ago about my trich. Once again I was thrown into a situation where people are standing RIGHT next to you and it's so hard to maintain eye contact without that fear coming up (reason #6 to stop) that they are going to notice my missing eyebrows and eyelashes. As terrible as that aspect was, for the first time I was not super self conscious around a friend who knows I have trich. normally, after I tell someone, I just want to move on and pretend trich really isnt that big of a deal and I become acutely aware everytime that friend looks me in the eyes. Not this time. I also have been having regular conversations with my sister, grandmother, mom, and friend Danielle- all of whom I brought it back up with this week. It's starting to feel like it's okay to talk about it, good even. When the bad and horrible urges come, thinking of them and having to tell them (and write on this blog) that I slipped can help- I'm not going to lie and say that makes it significantly easier since we all know that the urges are amazingly strong but it does help some.

Anyway, I guess this post was longer than I expected but it still feels good to write and talk about it, especially since I have been feeling my motivation drop a little bit (although I am just about to start my menstrual cycle so I'm hoping that my emotions are just worse than usual right now). As always, thanks for listening and I hope anyone reading this has a pull-free weekend :)

Reason #6 to stop- networking function requiring close talking

Reason # 7- the wrinkles that are appearing on my forehead (i'm 29!) because I always raise my eyebrows when stroking my eyelashes and feeling for what I will be trying to pick/not pick next- over the years I think I've spent so much time lifting my eyebrows to pluck my eyebrows that I'm getting premature awful wrinkles (which I just noticed a couple weeks ago too!).

Do you hate hair?

Today I'm not going to talk as much about what I''ve been doing on my personal quest to beat trich because, in all honesty, yesterday was a busy day so other than doing some research online I didnt take any new bold steps. On a positive note, I am now heading into Day 5 of being pull free. I'm so focused on trich right now that I cant pull subconsciously because I'm ALWAYS thinking about it. I do have a few eyelashes that are "out of place" (basically they dont come straight out of my eyelid but almost go across my eyelid)- I want to pull them so bad and my willpower was fading last night but somehow, I was able to resist, yay!

A couple weeks ago my boyfriend and I were hanging out in my apartment. I dont know how the conversation came about but we are always joking with each other and I think he made a comment about how he has his "winter sweater" (basically the guy, when he goes a week without having his chest waxed or something will have a lot of chest hair- he blames it on being from Italy (he moved here a number of years ago)). Anyway, we joked about it and then he just casually said "do you hate hair"? To anyone else it probably would have been a meaningless comment in response to my jokes about his "sweater" but of course, as someone with trich, this comment stuck with me.

The truth is, I don't have any clue whether he's noticed I dont have eyelashes or eyebrows (although he does notice that I completely shave other areas). I'm fortunate that my trich has not extended to my head hair so he wouldn't get a clue from me wearing a wig or something like that. Again, it's entirely possible that the comment meant nothing but it really got me thinking. Am I obsessed with hair or do I hate it? It seems like such a fucked up love-hate relationship that I don't even know. I would LOVE to have hair, but I hate hair that isn't perfect- I hate when it is too straight, bent at the end, thicker or shorter than the others, when it isn't perfectly in line with all other hairs, when its a different color, when its all alone and has no other hair-friends nearby. It seems crazy to me but the slightest "abnormality" can make me need to pull the hair out (the odd thing is I have thick, fairly long, curly head hair which I dont pull out often- I'm not going to lie and say i never pull it but it isnt that common for me to do).

I notice things about other peoples hairs too- I notice when they have the same "abnormalities" to their eyelashes or eyebrows and i cant stop focusing on it. It's like I want to pull their abnormal hairs out too, as if that will restore some kind of balance to the universe. Anyway, I dont know how I actually feel about hair other than that its mind blowing how much control my hair/trich has over my life and I know I hate that.

Reason # 6 to stop: feeling powerless that something has so much control over who I am, what I do, and how I live my life.

Another step in the right direction

Turns out each small step is really helping me gain some momentum and yesterday was another productive trich day. Not only have I managed to go another 24 hours without pulling (I'm heading into 4 totally pull-free days now!) but I have continued my quest to gain a support group.

Yesterday I was on the phone with my friend who has been in a long job hunt- she was feeling kind of down because it's really crunch time whether she should give up on NYC and move back to her midwest home state and I just blurted it out. Not knowing quite how she would react, particuarly bc we havent been friends for all that long, I was so relieved by her reaction- its almost like it didnt even phase her and that the only weird thing about me pulling out my hair was that I was uncomfortable talking about it.

I also spoke to my grandmother, who lives in Florida, and whom I'm very close with. She was shocked, supportive, but shocked (which is shocking to me since I assumed everyone knew). She had lots of questions which were very hard, and I was very emotional talking to her about it, but it still felt good. She did start talking about my moms trich and I dont know if my mom has blocked it out of her mind or if my grandmother is truning senile but my grandmother made it seem like my moms trich was MUCH worse than she ever let on and that at one point she did have a bald spot on the top of her head (and that she had been doing it since she was 9 or so, at that time the doctor gave cortisone cream thinking that would help- not sure the deal with that). I'm not going to say anything at this point to my mom because that's her story and I suppose she'll talk to me about it if she wants.

I also had a long conversation with the hynotist yeterday (option 1)- his name is Jeffrey Rose and he works at the Advanced Hypnosis Center. He was nice enough to spend about 45 (free) minutes on the phone with me explaining the process (i had spoken to his colleague earlier in the day and didnt have a good feeling that hypnosis was right for me). I still cant really say that i understand how it works but he seemed to think that with the right lifestyle changes (bye bye my gross late night smoking habit and my daily massive caffeine intake) the hypnosis could make a huge difference. He suggested lowering my caffeine intake, taking fish oil pills, changing my sleep habits and at least 1/2 hour of exercise every day- that coupled with the hypnosis and he said he's had great success. It would be about $550 (i factored in more than one session just so I'm prepared if its not the insta-fix I am hoping for and I need a follow up visit)..... I think I need to talk to people who have trich to see if this ever works first.......

Option 2- in the middle of writing this post I received a call from the Advanced Behavioral Health Center I wrote about yesterday. The CSW from the center, Suzanne Feinstein, said that she has worked with thousands of trich patients and has had a great success rate with obstacle building and behavior modification. I asked her about hypnosis and she indicated that she doesn't really know the success rates because, for trich, few of her clients have actually tried it (does this mean because it worked and they didn't have to go see her?) She said that she had one patient who it initially worked for but then the woman relapsed, which is the biggest problem for trich sufferers. The cost for this one is $375 for the initial evaluation and $275 for each weekly appointment - while insurance may reimburse me for some or all of the cost, that is a lot of money to have to put up front, especially if treatment could take a few months (and I'm ready to stop now, although I do want to stop for good!) Damn I wish i could win the lottery and I'd just try it all.

Anyway, that is where I am right now. Hopefully I will be able to get in touch with some people who have tried hypnosis for trich and get some feedback which will help me make up my mind. I guess the next step is to also talk to my insurance company and see what could be covered. While my momentum has been great the last few days, I have a big trial coming up and I'm now getting very nervous that if I dont figure it all out now (which i know isnt rational) then I'm going to lose this burst of willpower and go back (again) to square one. Yes, I know thats a negative outlook but I'm doing my best here. For today I'm just going to keep trying to make it all work and hope that my progress continues. Thanks for reading!

Reason to stop #5- crowded situations where you are forced to talk to people very close up and become extremely self conscious.

One step forward (i hope)

So the last 24 hours have been pretty productive in terms of my trich. I think writing about it really did help since it motivated me to stick with what I posted and talk to my sister and friend just like I mentioned. I'm pretty proud of myself for the follow through and the fact that I have not pulled a single hair since Sunday night (and i'll attribute Sundays "slip" to my Jets losing- damn you Colts). We are now almost 2 days and counting.

Not only did I talk to my fabulous sister (who was supportive as always- which really helped me continue the productivity) but I also sent an email to Danielle (who today sent me back an incredibly supportive email). Both have agreed to check in on my progress regularly so that I am forced to step out of my comfort zone and talk more about my trich (as well as become accountable to more people for my ups and downs). The progress didnt stop there.

I did some research online and decided to explore some new avenues. I'm not sure I believe that something as strong and all encompassing as trich can be controlled by a diet cutting out caffeine and sugar (and really, those are 2 of my favorite things- how would I function without my 2 large starbucks each day?) Looks like some people really believe it works but I think, for now, this just isnt the answer for me.......

I then placed calls to 2 hypnosis centers, signed up for an online message board to get some new ideas about trich, and called a behavioral therapist to get some more information. Very skeptical about the hypnosis but I'm seriously at the point where I'll consider anything (although it is kind of expensive and I have MASSIVE law school loans that are hard enough to pay right now). That said, I would LOVE to hear peoples experiences, good or bad, with hypnosis because I'll find a way to come up with the money if people think its worth it. (talk more about hypnosis tomorrow or later this week).

Next, I called my mom and we spoke about it for the first time in years. Turns out my mom had more of a struggle then I thought (or she previously told me)- she said she had it for a few years but stopped (1) after she finally pulled them all out, (2) by changing all her habits (she mostly pulled while in bed and would force herself to get up), and (3) by pulling at a koosh ball instead (remember these?) It was hard at first relating to her since I dont think she could comprehend the extent of my trich and I found myself getting a little defensive. But after we hung up the phone, she called me back a few times with suggestions and info she had found from doing some online research of her own- that meant a lot.

One of the places she had found online was a place called the Advanced Behavioral Health LLP which is above Grand Central Station- seems like they deal quite a bit with trich patients so I also left them a message requesting more information on their treatment options (i've been playing phone tag with them all day).

At the very least, I'm feeling a renewed sense of confidence that there are options. Telling friends and family that are very supportive also make it so much easier to continue this path of openness and give me confidence to tell other friends and family. I know I wont always feel this positive and good about beating my disease but for now, I'm just going to go with it and hope that anyone that reads this feels that they also have options.

Reason #3 to stop: Pictures/closeups which seem to make the lack of eyelashes that much more apparent.

Reason #4 to stop: Camping/outdoor excursions- (I LOVE the outdoors but always hold back on going on trips where I know I will be around others but will have to come up with an excuse as to why i'm fixing my make up on a nature hike!)

So, I have this problem.......

This is the week I want(ed) to open up to friends and family but it's not going so well. My sister was over last night for dinner and I didnt even bring up the blog or that I'm looking to rally support from friends and family. If anyone would be easy to tell, it's her. To be honest, I'm not even sure I want my friends and family to know about the blog since its so much easier to be anonymous and so much of what I'm writing on here feels incredibly personal- hopefully that will change over time.

Part of me understands why it is so difficult to tell my friends but then another part of me feels like it should be so much easier than I'm making it out to be- they are my friends, they should understand and love me anyway. I have been so lucky to have great friends over the years but this is one of the very few things I just cant talk about and that sucks.

About five years ago I was in St Croix on a family vacation with my cousin, who also suffered from trich. I finally found the courage to ask her about how she had beaten her disease but was disappointed to get a very vague, unhelpful response and then she was pretty clear that she didnt want to talk about it. Knowing how hard it can be (but secretly crushed) I didnt want to push the subject with her and instead decided to continue with the little courage I had at that time and call a few other friends. I've had varying responses :

1. Karen (friend from college): I actually called Karen from St. Croix and, through a lot of tears, told her all about my trich. At the time, Karen wasnt even that good of a friend but she was very supportive on the phone and didnt make me feel like the freakshow I thought she would assume I was. That said, Karen quickly moved on to discussing her own issues and I dont think we ever spoke about trich after that call.

2. Danielle (friend from HS): Danielle has always been a great friend to me even though we dont see each other that often, so it wasnt surprising that she was very supportive. I dont recall when or how I told her but remember that afterwards, every so often, she would ask me how it was going. We havent spoken about trich in maybe two years but thats my fault since i was so uncomfortable every time she asked that she probably felt like she was hurting me to keep asking. I'm going to talk to her again.

3. Michelle (friend from HS): For years I considered Michelle to be my best friend but telling her about trich was a terrible experience. I remember that she called about four years ago and I was just pulling in to my parking garage. I pulled over to the side of the road (so I wouldnt lose service) and just told her. She made me feel like a freak- I doubt it was intentional but her reaction made me so uncomfortable and I've never told anyone else since. She kept asking things like "why would someone do such a thing?" and was just not at all supportive or understanding. Michelle and I are actually no longer friends- turns out she was pretty judgmental about a lot of things and we havent spoken in over a year. In the back of my mind I've never been able to forget that awful conversation and think I've always harbored some resentment over it.

I'm not sure why I'm so afraid to tell other close friends. Will they think less of me? Will they tell people? Will they never be able to look away from my eyes (and make me always feel ugly and awkward?) In all my dating years I've only openly talked about it with one boyfriend who was incredibly supportive and controlling all at the same time, however, after we broke up I was able to kind of stop for about 6 months, the closest I've ever been able to stopping completely even though I was still pulling fairly regularly, just not as much. (and yes, everything grew back so there is hope we can be normal again!)

Writing this has helped me realize that the best place to start is with my sister and Danielle- they will understand and give me the confidence to tell Megan, one of my best friends, who I'm sure will be wonderful and supportive (but I always find an excuse to avoid talking to her about trich). This time tomorrow I will have told 2 of the 3, and since I'm going to see Megan soon for dinner, I will tell her then. Wish me luck.

Update from yesterday: Pulled 2 eyelashes without even realizing I was doing it and then stopped and didnt pull any more. Eyebrows are a bit more complicated- I realized that I will never be able to stop if I feel like they are bushy and stubby (i have pencil thin eyebrows at the moment) so I'm working on just increasing the size of my eyebrows so they are normal but still plucking/grooming the hairs that come in close to the top of my eyelid. I'm not sure if this is cheating but I'd rather try this way then just pull everything. We'll see.

Reasons #2 to stop- Rain (and swimming, and anything that has to do with water since you never know how it will leave your make up and that feeling in the bottom of your stomach when you are out, you cant fix your make up, and you wonder how bad it is).

As always, thanks for reading and good luck! :)

The White Elephant Family

For about as long as I can remember I've had this disease. It started only with pulling my eyelashes and I didnt start pulling my eyebrows until college when a friend mentioned that I should "have my eyebrows done". As anyone with trich would probably tell you, that is not a simple statement as, like everything else, I overdid it and pulled most of my eyebrows out from that point forward (btw, I have not pulled any eyelashes since my last post although I have pulled 2 eyebrow hairs- guess this is still slight progress). Anyway, I digress.

My family is obviously aware that I have this problem and over the years I learned that my mother had it (she says she pulled out all of her eyelashes at one point and then just stopped, God I wish it was that simple for me), my great uncle had it, as did/does my cousin (my cousin used to pull out the hair on top of her head as well as her eyebrows and eyelashes- it went on for her entire childhood but she kicked it a long time ago). You would think with all those people to talk and relate to it would be easy to gain support. Not so.

I recall when I was younger, maybe 10 or so, and my father was going on a business trip. At that point I had only some of my eyelashes and I distinctly recall my father literally drawing a picture of my eyes and the eyelashes I had remaining so that he could compare what I had left when he came back. I think they were hoping that this, and possibly a subsequent punishment, would help me stop but I only recall the humililation of this being done and dont remember what happened when he got back. At some point in my life, my family stopped talking about it at all and it just became the white elephant in the room. Even my younger sister, who I would torture like many younger sisters get tortured, never, not once, used the disease as a comeback or insult to hurt me (i give her a ton of credit for this).

I dont know why it isnt talked about. I've tried to talk to my cousin and find out what helped her stop but she really did not want to talk about it and only said she now "twirls" her head hair but doesnt actually pull anything (i do notice that she now picks at her fingers quite a bit). My uncle has since passed away and I never had the opportunity to speak with him and my mother cant understand why I havent just stopped like she did (and now I cant recall the last time we've spoken about it). It's very bizarre. Clearly everyone in my family knows but we just dont talk about it and since it's been so long since we have discussed it, I dont even know how to bring it up (or if I really want to).

At 29 years old it should now be up to me to bring it up, to seek their support and help them to understand what I'm going through so they can help me. My sister is probably the only one who knows how difficult it is for me and will talk to me about it when I want to, I dont fault her at all since I know that she isnt bringing it up because she knows it makes me feel uncomfortable to talk about. But its probably time to break down all the walls because again, I've tried everything else and dont think I can get through this without the support of friends and family. It's just that talking about it can be so incredibly difficult (i've told a few friends over the years but I'll talk about how that went another time). I guess this is now my step 1 and this is the week I will talk to them again. Ugh. I guess I just have to keep telling myself that this may be what helps me beat this disease, and I so badly want to beat it.

Reason #1 to stop (i'm going to start doing this at the end of every post, feel free to post your own reasons, maybe we can compile a large reminder list when it gets tough): the feeling that you have to run to the bathroom when hooking up with a guy to make sure the eyeliner is still in place so he doesnt easily see what is missing.

Here we go again

Ok, so I'm completely aware that I've already dropped the ball on both the blog and the pulling. Awesome. But I"m here to start over again. I can make a million excuses (lets be honest, we have probably all mastered the excuses as a result of this stupid disease) but I"m not going to make any. 2010 has been off to a pretty great start for everything but beating trich. Go figure. But now I"m ready to pick back up and start again (and I appreciate the comments b/c truthfully, if no one was reading, I doubt I'd continue). So thank you for reading, happy new years and I hope that everyone is doing better than I am with their own new years goals.

I made it about 4 days into the new year. It's sad but true. It was that one eyelash, the one that is shorter and darker than all the rest and when you run your finger across it, it just begs you to pluck it. What is it about that hair? I would repeat all the reasons why I should not pull it, but I couldnt stop touching it. I dont even consciously realize what I"m doing but I cant stop feeling that hair, its almost painful even though its just a hair like every other hair but I can feel it. And then I pulled it. Of course pulling that one hair leaves you feeling guilty, empty and defeated ("four days? really, four days?!?") but then it opens up the floodgates and each hair becomes easier to pull- so long 2010 resolution. When the hair is pulled the spot I removed it from stings b/c I've been playing with it for 4 days. That feeling of satisfaction lasts no longer than a millisecond and then you feel like crap again.

Now on a positive note I did not pull out every hair but over the next few days I did take a giant step back. My left eye is now decent while the right has had better days. Lately I've been even more self conscious about it- sunglass season is clearly over and the NYC subway really leaves you standing up right next to someone- how can they not see how freakish I feel? I am so aware that everyone else near me has thick beautiful eyelashes and eyebrows and they all must know that I dont. I've mastered the make up/cover up as much as anyone can that is trying to make it seem like they have hair by using a pencil or eyeshadow or whatever it is. Again, I'm lying to myself if I think that doesnt stand out on its own (this was reminded to me when I looked at our pictures from new years eve- as our sangria pictionary night went on the eyeliner from my bottom eyelid smudges, as it always does at the end of a night, and I am inevitably left looking like i have dark circles under my eyes, which is incredibly attractive).

I'm making more lists, more reasons in my head why this has to end but yet I dont take that huge step and throw out the tweezer. Ahhh, the tweezer. We have had such a horrible, needy relationship over the last 15 years (it wasnt always the tweezer) but I"ll talk more about that some other time.

Right now I"m just writing to say that I"m back, I'm sorry, and we are going to start again. I hope anyone who reads this that has had the same setback as I've had picks up with me and starts again. We can do this.