This week I am focusing on recognizing my triggers as I prepare for January 1. For anyone who doesnt know what a trigger is for someone with trich, it's basically a feeling or situation that "triggers" you to you pull out your hair. I think I'm past the point of having an emotional trigger since it really doesnt matter if I'm happy, sad, angry or excited- I just do it.
Yesterday I realized that there are really only three times/situations where the urges become overwhelming- when I'm reading, watching TV, or about to get into the shower. Obviously those are three situations i cant avoid for the rest of my life so the trick is going to be changing the routine. During the day I've found that if I'm watching TV I can just go on the computer or read a magazine at the same time and it seems to be very helpful. The reading is really an issue at night before I go to bed and inevitably I find my hand reaching up to stroke the eyelashes or eyebrows I have left- carefully feeling for any hairs that seem "out of place" or thicker, more crooked, shorter, than the rest. I can use any excuse to convince myself that the hair just doesnt belong, that it must come out. And it does. For someone that has the disease, they will know that this isnt just an ordinary feeling or urge, its stronger than that. The only thing I can possibly equate it to is walking through the desert for days with no water- the feeling one must have upon seeing water, that they MUST drink it, thats how I feel. i MUST pull them out.
I've tried making lists, I've tried stopping myself and remembering all the reasons I dont want to give in to the urge, and sometimes it works. But the urge comes back, sometimes even seconds later I will find myself stroking the hairs again. Again I will tell myself that there is literally no good that will come out of pulling the hair, that I will feel ugly and alone, that I will continue to feel uncomfortable in most social situations, but I will do it anyway.
So today I am just going to brainstorm, to think of ways that I can change each one of my routines. I am not going to stop today, I'm not even going to try. I'm going to use this week as my final countdown, as a time to really focus on my behavior, recognize what I'm doing, and once again remind myself of all the reasons why I want to stop. Last night I pulled 4 hairs from my eyebrows and 1 eyelash. All in all, not even close to the worst damage I've done but again, this has got to end. Not only do I want to beat this thing, I NEED to. Now I just need to figure out exactly how I'm going to do that......
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
New Years resolution to beat trich (again)
This year, like every year for the past 20+ years, I will resolve to beat my battle with trich. I will tell myself that this will be the last year but deep down I dont even believe it. Actually, not even that deep down, it's almost become a joke. But this time I am going to try something different. This time I am going to try to write about my battle, to share my story with anyone who wants to listen, so this year my resolution isnt going to be just about beating my battle but opening up about it. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to not just tell people (which I never do) but I'm going to take pictures and force myself to address the reality of this situation for probably the first time. Maybe this time I can beat it.
I remember exactly where I was the first time I started pulling out my hair. I was in third grade and sitting at a desk in my parents living room and I just went to town. I couldnt tell you why it started but I just sat there and pulled out every last one of my eyelashes. Little did I know that that very day would come to define my life for the next 22 years. This year I will turn 30. It's been a long, difficult decade and there is something about the idea of beginning a brand new decade, along with the age change, that makes me want to come clean and fight this thing. These days I pull out my eyelashes, my eyebrows, pretty much any hair that isnt on my head (b/c that would just be too much apparently). I've become an expert in makeup and excuses for why I have no hair. I've mastered the art of not letting anyone get to close to me because I'm so ashamed of what I do and embarassed by what they will see.
My family knows about my struggle with trich but they stopped talking about it long ago- it's a taboo subject really. I try and tell myself that my friends dont know (since I've only come out and told maybe 2 or 3 of them the truth) but thats probably yet another lie I've managed to tell myself. How could they not know? They must be able to see, right? So why cant I bring myself to tell them? Am I afraid that they will think less of me or that this will ruin my image as the one who has it all together? How together do I really have it? I'm single (although recently started seeing a new fabulous guy) and I'm okay with being single, I have a great job, amazing family and friends, perfect little apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan- how can this one thing define my entire life and overshadow all of my life's accomplishments? But it does........
So this year I want to be honest. Whether I can help someone else or maybe just help myself, I want to open up about my story, who I am, and how I am going to beat this thing. I've tried websites, gloves, changing habits, therapy, you name it, I've probably tried it. But I've never been honest about this disease. I've never showed anyone a picture of myself without make up on. Okay, so maybe I'm not really ready for anyone to see my face just yet but I'm going to work on that. Right now I have a few eyelashes (the bottoms are pretty good but the tops lashes are all but gone) and my eyebrows are pencil thin. This is my starting point.
Promises I am making to myself:
1. I will be honest, brutally honest, I will confess when I have slipped, what I have pulled and at some point in the near future, I will post pictures of my eyes documenting progress.
2. I wont make excuses or apologies (after this). This is my story and by no means is my method or any statements I make meant to offend anyone but I am primarily doing this to try and help myself. At least for now. So if in the process something I say offends anyone (if anyone even reads this), I apologize in advance. I am extremely sarcastic and opinionated so I am putting this in just to cover all bases so there are no surprises.
3. I will commit to writing in this blog at least 3 times a week.
4. I will come to terms with all aspects of this disease- I will finally own up to it with my friends, I will document all the things that have eaten at me for the last 22 years as a result so that I can see just how bad this "monster" is and have no reason to continue making excuses in my head. Maybe by writing it down I will force myself to see the reality of my situation and deal with it.
That's it for now. That's what I'm going to commit to and I hope that in the process of all this I can finally feel good about myself again, to come to terms with the fact that this monster does not define who I am and that it will not control me anymore. I am done with it, I have no use for trich anymore- it has controlled my life for 22 years and I want my life back now.
I remember exactly where I was the first time I started pulling out my hair. I was in third grade and sitting at a desk in my parents living room and I just went to town. I couldnt tell you why it started but I just sat there and pulled out every last one of my eyelashes. Little did I know that that very day would come to define my life for the next 22 years. This year I will turn 30. It's been a long, difficult decade and there is something about the idea of beginning a brand new decade, along with the age change, that makes me want to come clean and fight this thing. These days I pull out my eyelashes, my eyebrows, pretty much any hair that isnt on my head (b/c that would just be too much apparently). I've become an expert in makeup and excuses for why I have no hair. I've mastered the art of not letting anyone get to close to me because I'm so ashamed of what I do and embarassed by what they will see.
My family knows about my struggle with trich but they stopped talking about it long ago- it's a taboo subject really. I try and tell myself that my friends dont know (since I've only come out and told maybe 2 or 3 of them the truth) but thats probably yet another lie I've managed to tell myself. How could they not know? They must be able to see, right? So why cant I bring myself to tell them? Am I afraid that they will think less of me or that this will ruin my image as the one who has it all together? How together do I really have it? I'm single (although recently started seeing a new fabulous guy) and I'm okay with being single, I have a great job, amazing family and friends, perfect little apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan- how can this one thing define my entire life and overshadow all of my life's accomplishments? But it does........
So this year I want to be honest. Whether I can help someone else or maybe just help myself, I want to open up about my story, who I am, and how I am going to beat this thing. I've tried websites, gloves, changing habits, therapy, you name it, I've probably tried it. But I've never been honest about this disease. I've never showed anyone a picture of myself without make up on. Okay, so maybe I'm not really ready for anyone to see my face just yet but I'm going to work on that. Right now I have a few eyelashes (the bottoms are pretty good but the tops lashes are all but gone) and my eyebrows are pencil thin. This is my starting point.
Promises I am making to myself:
1. I will be honest, brutally honest, I will confess when I have slipped, what I have pulled and at some point in the near future, I will post pictures of my eyes documenting progress.
2. I wont make excuses or apologies (after this). This is my story and by no means is my method or any statements I make meant to offend anyone but I am primarily doing this to try and help myself. At least for now. So if in the process something I say offends anyone (if anyone even reads this), I apologize in advance. I am extremely sarcastic and opinionated so I am putting this in just to cover all bases so there are no surprises.
3. I will commit to writing in this blog at least 3 times a week.
4. I will come to terms with all aspects of this disease- I will finally own up to it with my friends, I will document all the things that have eaten at me for the last 22 years as a result so that I can see just how bad this "monster" is and have no reason to continue making excuses in my head. Maybe by writing it down I will force myself to see the reality of my situation and deal with it.
That's it for now. That's what I'm going to commit to and I hope that in the process of all this I can finally feel good about myself again, to come to terms with the fact that this monster does not define who I am and that it will not control me anymore. I am done with it, I have no use for trich anymore- it has controlled my life for 22 years and I want my life back now.
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