It's a great day to get better. Again.

It's hard to know where to start today. First, to explain my absence for the last 20 days. As most of you know, I recently started a business which has been going very well but has required a lot of work. I also went away with my family for a week (wont be doing that again) and then this last week has just sucked.

Now let's start with the negative. The last week or so has just been awful in managing my trich. My left eyebrow might as well be completely gone and I lost count how many eyelashes I have pulled. I couldnt stop. All times of day, all mindsets, I just kept giving in to the urge to pull. I wish I had a good excuse but they are all just that, excuses. I was PMS'ing which I truly believe is the worst time of month for me and trich and I smoked a little pot again which somehow seems to bring out the pulling side of me. The pot is now gone and I really wont ever smoke again. I cant, not if I want to beat this stupid disease.

I've been thinking a lot about the question 'why do you pull'? which someone asked me not too long ago. They asked if it felt good and I'd have to say it does, but in a twisted sort of way. I love when I pull and it hurts. When the sting of pulling lingers for just a few minutes. I love the control, the satisfaction of pulling hairs i dont feel belong. But I hate it. I hate myself when I pull, I hate how literally one second after the 'good feeling" i feel like shit and go into an automatic panic about how bad the damage will be. I hate covering it up. I hate all the reasons I've listed on previous "reasons to stop pulling". I hate that I thought I was doing so well.

To backtrack just a bit, I really was doing pretty well. I believe in my last post i mentioned that I hadn't yet told my boyfriend but wanted to. Well about about 2 days after that post we went to a memorial service for his cousin that passed away. We took the train back to the city with his aunt and uncle. For some reason I thought at one point that his aunt might be wearing a wig but it looked natural and I really didnt think that much about it. Despite being overly sensitive to everyone else's hair, or lack thereof (eyebrows, eyelashes, and head hair) nothing really stood out to me. Once we got to Penn Station we went our separate ways and Pete and I grabbed a cab back to my apartment.

I forget exactly how it came up but he asked me if I noticed that she was wearing a wig? He stated that she had a disease where she pulled her hair and he thinks a few years ago it stopped growing back. Obviously this was as good of an intro as I was ever going to get so I took it and told him that I also have that disease, have had it for 22 years, but am working really hard to beat it. His response "wow, thanks for telling me, I never noticed. I think you look great." Yup, that was it. We talked a little more about it and I told him how hard it was for me to talk about it but he said that "everyone has their 'thing'" and he was just glad I felt comfortable enough to tell him and if I ever wanted his help or to talk about it he'd be there. Yet one more reason I know he is a good guy and I made the right decision going out with him (and he bought me flowers and a cupcake (if you ever come to NYC, got to two red hens bakery and get a cupcake, amazing) when I got home from my trip, seriously, if he had brothers I would advertise them on here since I'd want each of you to get one). :)


So that was a big step for me and I thought it was going well. Then i went away with my parents and my sister for a week. It was incredibly generous for my parents to take us with them to the Dominican Republic but it wasnt the easiest trip. My sister and I have recently been having a very hard time with my dad and the residual anger he had from 9/11. It's difficult to explain but it's been very emotional and a bit exhausting. People may think that because he walked out (ok, walked might be a BIG overstatement since he spent weeks in the hospital), and despite his ongoing injuries/burns he is ok but he isnt. People may also think that we have it easier b/c he survived and that we are so lucky. Yes, we are so incredibly lucky but no one ever tells you how hard it will be to live with someone who generally looks the same but one day is a different person. You see glimpses of the "old dad" while feeling guilty about not just accepting "new dad". You feel guilty that you arent just grateful you have a dad at all. I wont go into any more detail because you are probably bored from reading this anyway but it's been something we've been struggling a lot with lately and spending a week with my parents had its ups and downs (good think I havent shared this blog with them, haha). Oh, and my father should be nicknamed "Kramer" since he has many mannerisms and habits similiar to the Seinfeld character (instead of falling into a doorway, he opted to jump on a piling and land literally in the cabana of this European couple who I think were more annoyed then surprised- this is just one of many, many episodes).

I guess that has been the general gist. I had to buy some new make up today and polish back up my skills of "filling in my eyebrows" so they dont look too dramatic or strange. Fortunately my eyelashes are generally ok. Yes, they are thinner but I could probably still go with just a little mascara or eyeliner. Since I'm so overly sensitive, I've been using both eyeliner and mascara just to make myself feel better. The right eyebrow is very thin but at least it's still more or less there. The left one, well, it's clearly a mess. I guess I begin again. The next few weeks I will be working on pulling it (bad choice of words I suppose) all together and moving forward. As a friend of mine once used to say "it's a great day to get better". Onward and upward I hope and, as always, thanks for reading my ramblings and if you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them.

2011 Starting Point

I'm going to start this year out with a photo, despite still being terrified at the idea of posting photos. you cant run from photos, they are what they are and for the most part they are a pretty accurate depiction. Those forehead lines? Can't run from those. The thin eyebrows with the smudging make up? They are there, front and center. My new mac computer has a camera option so really there is so excuse.

As you'll see, my eyelashes (which i'll admit have mascara and a little bit of eyeliner on them as this photo and post are a bit impromputu) look pretty good. The bottom ones havent been pulled in months. The tops ones are basically just as I described the other day- if you look at the left one close to my nose you might notice that there is a bit of a gap from where I pulled a few weeks ago. The time waiting while they are growing back in - when the hairs are small and crooked -is really the hardest time for me not to pull. And my shitty thin looking eyebrows are just sad and crying out for my to let them be.

It's still progress from this time last year, big progress actually as I properly had a few stray hairs (it always reminds me of the song from elementary school "the cheese stands alone, the cheese stands alone" for some bizarre reason- ha). Anyway, thats that and I feel I owe it to my ego to remind myself that I left off a BIG accomplishment from 2010- I quit smoking. Yes, that's me patting myself on the back but screw it, it was hard (a that's what she said reference is definitely called for here for anyone who is a fan of 'the office' like I am).

So there it is. My first step and the hard truth that I start off this year with. Does anyone have suggestions? Things that are working? Topic ideas? (sometimes that is the hardest part of having a blog- coming up with new ideas but lately I've been stuck on my boyfriends hairs and despite already posting about it, I might do another- i cant tell you how much I want to pull his stray eyebrow hairs sometimes!)

Reflections and Updates for 2011

Happy 2011 to all! It's a new year and a fresh start. 1/1/11 just seems to scream "Square 1" or "new beginnings". As I look back on the past year I'm trying to take an optimistic approach- a lot has changed. I start out this year with hope, the way I started out last year, but also with a sense of reality that sometimes, although we dont accomplish ALL our goals, progress can not be ignored or discounted. Progress leads to change which can lead to success.

Last year my resolutions were as follows:

1. I will be honest, brutally honest, I will confess when I have slipped, what I have pulled and at some point in the near future, I will post pictures of my eyes documenting progress.

2. I wont make excuses or apologies (after this).

3. I will commit to writing in this blog at least 3 times a week.

4. I will come to terms with all aspects of this disease- I will finally own up to it with my friends...and deal with it

All in all I'm pretty happy with how I did even though it wasnt exactly as I set out. I have confessed when I slipped and at one point even posted a picture of my eyes. I did make a few excuses and I definitely did not blog at least 3 times a week but I tried and had a total of over 80 posts for the year (so on average 1-2 a week) which isnt horrible. But most of all I'm proud of the fact that I did come to terms with my trich, I did own up to it with my friends and family and actively took steps to conquer this lingering demon of a disease.

In terms of progress, I have mixed feelings on that. I sit here with about 94% of my eyelashes (that one stupid spot from 2 weeks ago hasnt quite filled in) but I havent pulled recently and 94% is about 93% more than I had at this time last year. My friends know, I recognize my triggers more than I did, and I no longer feel the overwhelming shame I felt telling people last year (ok, well a little confession, I am sitting here next to my boyfriend of almost 7 months who I still have not had the "talk" with- small steps on that one I suppose- I'm not really sure wyh I havent told him). My eyebrows look, well, shitty. I havent pulled in a few weeks but they are still very thin. Adding the optimistic spin to that, once again its more than I had last year and the fact that I havent pulled in a few weeks is still a big accomplishment for me, certainly more than I had hoped for myself last year (and I finally, FINALLY quit my job and started a business so I'm pretty damn proud of that).

So once again it's time to move forward, to set new goals to work for (and I have a new computer so I have no excuse not to blog) This year I have a pretty simple resolution really- i want to improve on my previous progress. Yup, that's it. I am not going to say I am going to beat trich because after this year I just dont know that you ever fully beat this disease, you just learn how to manage it and suppress it to where you can actually have hair again. I think that saying "i'll beat trich" sets an unfair and unrealistic expectation- its too easy to slip and give up when half the battle, at least for me, is forgiving myself for the slips, not giving up and picking up to move on without erasing all the progress I'd previously made. If I slip and pull one hair and then stop myself, that's progress. Sure, it would be amazing not to pull at all but baby steps seem to be keep trying, keeping learning about this disease and finding new ways to improve and manage it.

I guess it comes down to this:

1. Improve on previous progress. By December 2011 I want to have kept all my eyelashes (and added a few) and have more than a thin line of eyebrow hair.

2. Tell my boyfriend about trich and continue to be honest.

3. Exercise- this has two purposes, the first, i want to lose the 10 pounds of christmas cookies I ate this month and second, exercising helps keep my mind clear which I've noticed has helped my stay on my toes with trich. My goal, again being realistic, is 3 times a week for at least one hour.

4. Be grateful and worry less. I'm not going to go into the reasons behind this one so much right now- suffice it to say the last few weeks have been an eye opener for me on how short life is and how much time I/we spend worrying about things that never come to fruition but yet we waste so much time on. I want to be happy with what I have instead of always worrying about what I should have in the future or dont have right now. let's face it, stress isnt good for trich either so it all ties back in.

Well that's it for now. I hope that everyone has a happy and healthy 2011 and, as always, thank you so much for the support and for reading!