Countdowns and Daily Struggles

Every day I wake up and struggle with trich. I have not been doing well- I am back to no eyebrows and even did some damage on both my right and left eyelashes. It makes me anxious as I think about the 107 days I have left until the wedding. As I've mentioned before, I have read that you need 6 weeks for the hair to regrow. That's 42 days. I would imagine I need even a little more than that for them to really look good and full so let's assume 9 weeks or 63 days. I have 44 days left.

Well, not really. I have 44 days left to get my pulling in gear if I want to have hair for the wedding. As part of the photography package we purchased we are doing engagement photos (yet another thing I never thought I'd do but it's included so what the hell- i'll feel like an idiot for an hour). I would like to have eyebrows and eyelashes for those photos which will be taken on September 13. Assuming I need the same 9 weeks I need to stop by next Thursday. It's not looking good.

I dont know what is going on. I dont know why it's worse now than before. Yes, wedding planning is stressful (really only in the sense that I seem to be hurting people's feelings over things I dont think are big issues- like not inviting his cousin who apparently has a habit of responding that he will come with his wife and then going MIA- we also never see him and they arent close but he's upset not to be invited and I got cornered about it by his aunt at a BBQ last weekend. Yikes). Life is stressful but no more than usual. I just can't stop pulling. All I want to do is pull.

I feel embarrassed, ashamed, nervous, angry, insecure, you name it. I've lost my way and can't seem to get myself back on track. I am able to lie to myself and make excuses but at the end of the day I still look in the mirror and I'm not happy with what I see. Sometimes it feels like I just continue to give myself permission to pull and even though I dont want to do it, part of me, a big part of me, just likes to pull. And that part of me seems to take over and suppress every ounce of willpower I have. Is that just lazy? I'm not happy that I feel so overwhelmed with trich but I can't seem to hold myself accountable and summon the willpower to stop for even a full 24 hours. It really sucks and I need to find a way back to a better place if I'm going to have any hope of making this happen by October 26th. Ugh.