Monday, April 22, 2013
An eyebrow tutorial
One of the scariest parts of having trich for me is the fear of being caught without proper make up. I habitually carry around a light brow pencil, brow shadow, and eyeliner and I often have several of each that are kept in separate bags (workbag, handbag, etc) so I'm never lost without it. While I know that you cant fully replicate an eyebrow when you dont have actual hair, I've found the following tutorial to be pretty helpful and gets me fairly close. Hope it helps!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
My love of pulling
I love pulling my hair. I dont know why, I love it. When I get that one hair that looks too dark, too thick, out of place, too short (or any number of excuses) I feel a sense of satisfaction. I love when the root of the hair is attached which is kind of like a double score.
But the love for pulling only lasts while I'm pulling. The second that reality kicks in, I hate it. I hate the disease, hate myself for pulling and hate the way I look without my eyebrows or eyelashes (or the thinning spots on my head). I hate how self conscious I feel being around others. I hate the way the manicurist looks puzzled every time she gets to my forefingers and sees the permanent indent and doesnt quite know what to make of it. I hate the way that I sneak to my husbands gym bag and borrow his tweezers when he goes to bed before me (despite me telling him to hide the tweezers I quickly noticed where they were). I hate that I dont admit to him that I know where to find the tweezers. I hate that I have wrinkles on my forehead from scrunching my face to make the hairs easier to pull. I hate that I'm terrified that I will have a child with trich who will suffer like I've suffered. I hate, I hate, I hate everything that this disease has done to me and continues to do to me but mostly I hate that I love pulling.
So despite my hatred for all things trich far outnumbering what I love about pulling I continue to be a puppet to this disease. Yesterday I went to a knitting store and got a private lesson to try and learn a new habit, one that others call "addictive" and that has the benefit of keeping my hands busy while making something useful. The woman asked me why I decided to start learning to knit now and I responded "i need to find a way to de-stress". I knew that this was a part of it but not the whole truth so I decided to offer it up after a fairly long pause ".... and I have trich". Yup, I did it. Admitted it to another stranger. Isn't that what people tell alcoholics? Admitting is the first step? So here I am again, confessing my dark secret to strangers but this time a stranger who actually knew what trich was. "That's a great reason and hopefully will help" she replied and then we moved on. No awkward looks or stares or explanations. And here we go again. I only hope that one day I find something that really helps (and for the near future I'm hoping that "something" is knitting! It's worth a shot!)
But the love for pulling only lasts while I'm pulling. The second that reality kicks in, I hate it. I hate the disease, hate myself for pulling and hate the way I look without my eyebrows or eyelashes (or the thinning spots on my head). I hate how self conscious I feel being around others. I hate the way the manicurist looks puzzled every time she gets to my forefingers and sees the permanent indent and doesnt quite know what to make of it. I hate the way that I sneak to my husbands gym bag and borrow his tweezers when he goes to bed before me (despite me telling him to hide the tweezers I quickly noticed where they were). I hate that I dont admit to him that I know where to find the tweezers. I hate that I have wrinkles on my forehead from scrunching my face to make the hairs easier to pull. I hate that I'm terrified that I will have a child with trich who will suffer like I've suffered. I hate, I hate, I hate everything that this disease has done to me and continues to do to me but mostly I hate that I love pulling.
So despite my hatred for all things trich far outnumbering what I love about pulling I continue to be a puppet to this disease. Yesterday I went to a knitting store and got a private lesson to try and learn a new habit, one that others call "addictive" and that has the benefit of keeping my hands busy while making something useful. The woman asked me why I decided to start learning to knit now and I responded "i need to find a way to de-stress". I knew that this was a part of it but not the whole truth so I decided to offer it up after a fairly long pause ".... and I have trich". Yup, I did it. Admitted it to another stranger. Isn't that what people tell alcoholics? Admitting is the first step? So here I am again, confessing my dark secret to strangers but this time a stranger who actually knew what trich was. "That's a great reason and hopefully will help" she replied and then we moved on. No awkward looks or stares or explanations. And here we go again. I only hope that one day I find something that really helps (and for the near future I'm hoping that "something" is knitting! It's worth a shot!)
Friday, April 12, 2013
Stormy skies & a return to reality
I'm back. I'm so sorry for my incredibly delayed absence and thank everyone who has sent me messages and motivation over the last 7 months. A lot has happened, both good and bad, but I'll get to in a few minutes.
Trich Updates
First, I should begin this post by giving the update on my trich which is back in my life with a renewed vengence and has been for a few months. At the moment I have absolutely no eyebrows, my top lashes are spotty but not entirely gone, and my bottom lashes remain free of the wrath. For now. In addition, about 3-4 months ago I started pulling hairs from the top of my head which is something I had rarely ever done. I've always picked at my split ends but never my head hair. It started with looking for the very very short hairs that were at the crown of my head, then expanded to the hairs around where I part my hair. It actually started getting somewhat noticeable, at least to me, as the part of my hair became a bit wider than usual. I've since (mostly) stopped pulling from my head hair and I'm anxiously awaiting the return of those hairs.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
I usually like to get the bad news out of the way first so let's start there. In early September, about a month and a half before my wedding (and on the day of my very low key bachelorette party) I received a call that my grandmother had suffered a stroke and that we needed to say goodbye. My sister and I told her that we loved her and then tried to put on a happy face and went to meet friends for lunch. About 3 hours later, just before we were leaving for a Madonna concert and while on a boat ride around Manhattan, we learned that she had passed away. It's funny (not funny ha-ha but the other kind) but the sky became incredibly dark and stormy just as we learned the news.
My grandmother and I were EXTREMELY close and I would talk to her about everything and anything. She was the spunkiest, wittiest person I've ever known, right up until the day that she passed away (and we buried her on 9/11 which just made for an even more emotional day).
We were very lucky to have her as long as we did since over the years there had been many times where we were told it was "the end". I had also seen her in January and had decided to take that opportunity to tell her everything I felt for her and how much I loved her. We had an incredibly wonderful yet tearful conversation about our love for each other and I will be forever grateful that I took that chance to talk to her (I was afraid it would be too morbid or upsetting but was also surprised that she didnt know just how much I loved her- she knew I loved her, just not how much).
Her loss left a very gaping hole in my family and obviously was very upsetting to my own mother. The time leading up to the wedding was very emotional for all of us. I know people say that weddings are very stressful but other than a speedbump or two (mostly about not having my cousin in my wedding party which had my mom not speaking to me for several weeks) it was drama free and became a much needed highlight in an otherwise dark time.
The wedding itself was perfect. My eyelashes, which had taken a bit of a hit following my grandmothers passing, were good enough that we did fake lashes with the existing ones, mascarared them up and no one could tell. It actually looked great. My eyebrows were thin but good enough and with a talented (and not criticial or mean!) make up artist I felt great. Pictures looked great and all my lifelong fears were gone. The wedding itself was very laid back and fun and it was so wonderful to have a day surrounded by all our friends and family. Both my now husband and I could not have asked for anything better (and I'll admit that I had quite a few drinks before the ceremony or I knew I would not get down the aisle thanks to my commitment phobia). Anyway, I can talk more about the wedding another time.
About two days after the wedding Hurricane Sandy hit (and ruined the reception hall where we had our wedding so we could not have been luckier). So many friends and family lost everything. Insignificantly, our honeymoon was pushed back about a week which was not the end of the world but on the day we arrived in Aruba I learned that my grandfather had also passed away. My grandparents had been married for 67 years and as sad as it was to lose them both I was glad to think that they were together again.
The next few months brought a lot of mixed emotions and trying to help my mom through a very depressing time for her. I also had several very large and stressful trials, trying to run the business while being on trial, looking for a new home (our least expires in 19 days and we are trying to buy an apartment in Queens but it's taking FOREVER and has been very sterssful), another 9/11 surgery for my dad, you name it. So I guess that brings me back to my apology for being absent. It's been tough and while that should have been even more incentive for me to keep up with my blog in the face of my raging trich, it just didnt happen.
Looking forward
So here I am again, continuing to deal with trich and all the issues that trich brings. I know that summer is just around the corner which makes trich even harder to cover up. My new plan is to try to learn to knit in the hopes that it gives me another outlet. I also am thinking about trying to learn to meditate which has always been a daunting and unrealistic idea since I'm normally just a giant ball of stress. I know I need to get back on track or else my self esteem will continue to suffer and diminish. So if you have tips, if in the 7 months I've been gone you happen to still be reading my blog and want to share anything that has worked for you, I would LOVE to hear about it. Time to switch things up again. But to start I will try and make more regular appearances here and hope that anyone reading this will bear with me as I struggle to battle this infuriating disease. Thanks for reading!
Trich Updates
First, I should begin this post by giving the update on my trich which is back in my life with a renewed vengence and has been for a few months. At the moment I have absolutely no eyebrows, my top lashes are spotty but not entirely gone, and my bottom lashes remain free of the wrath. For now. In addition, about 3-4 months ago I started pulling hairs from the top of my head which is something I had rarely ever done. I've always picked at my split ends but never my head hair. It started with looking for the very very short hairs that were at the crown of my head, then expanded to the hairs around where I part my hair. It actually started getting somewhat noticeable, at least to me, as the part of my hair became a bit wider than usual. I've since (mostly) stopped pulling from my head hair and I'm anxiously awaiting the return of those hairs.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
I usually like to get the bad news out of the way first so let's start there. In early September, about a month and a half before my wedding (and on the day of my very low key bachelorette party) I received a call that my grandmother had suffered a stroke and that we needed to say goodbye. My sister and I told her that we loved her and then tried to put on a happy face and went to meet friends for lunch. About 3 hours later, just before we were leaving for a Madonna concert and while on a boat ride around Manhattan, we learned that she had passed away. It's funny (not funny ha-ha but the other kind) but the sky became incredibly dark and stormy just as we learned the news.
My grandmother and I were EXTREMELY close and I would talk to her about everything and anything. She was the spunkiest, wittiest person I've ever known, right up until the day that she passed away (and we buried her on 9/11 which just made for an even more emotional day).We were very lucky to have her as long as we did since over the years there had been many times where we were told it was "the end". I had also seen her in January and had decided to take that opportunity to tell her everything I felt for her and how much I loved her. We had an incredibly wonderful yet tearful conversation about our love for each other and I will be forever grateful that I took that chance to talk to her (I was afraid it would be too morbid or upsetting but was also surprised that she didnt know just how much I loved her- she knew I loved her, just not how much).
Her loss left a very gaping hole in my family and obviously was very upsetting to my own mother. The time leading up to the wedding was very emotional for all of us. I know people say that weddings are very stressful but other than a speedbump or two (mostly about not having my cousin in my wedding party which had my mom not speaking to me for several weeks) it was drama free and became a much needed highlight in an otherwise dark time.
The wedding itself was perfect. My eyelashes, which had taken a bit of a hit following my grandmothers passing, were good enough that we did fake lashes with the existing ones, mascarared them up and no one could tell. It actually looked great. My eyebrows were thin but good enough and with a talented (and not criticial or mean!) make up artist I felt great. Pictures looked great and all my lifelong fears were gone. The wedding itself was very laid back and fun and it was so wonderful to have a day surrounded by all our friends and family. Both my now husband and I could not have asked for anything better (and I'll admit that I had quite a few drinks before the ceremony or I knew I would not get down the aisle thanks to my commitment phobia). Anyway, I can talk more about the wedding another time.
About two days after the wedding Hurricane Sandy hit (and ruined the reception hall where we had our wedding so we could not have been luckier). So many friends and family lost everything. Insignificantly, our honeymoon was pushed back about a week which was not the end of the world but on the day we arrived in Aruba I learned that my grandfather had also passed away. My grandparents had been married for 67 years and as sad as it was to lose them both I was glad to think that they were together again.
The next few months brought a lot of mixed emotions and trying to help my mom through a very depressing time for her. I also had several very large and stressful trials, trying to run the business while being on trial, looking for a new home (our least expires in 19 days and we are trying to buy an apartment in Queens but it's taking FOREVER and has been very sterssful), another 9/11 surgery for my dad, you name it. So I guess that brings me back to my apology for being absent. It's been tough and while that should have been even more incentive for me to keep up with my blog in the face of my raging trich, it just didnt happen.
Looking forward
So here I am again, continuing to deal with trich and all the issues that trich brings. I know that summer is just around the corner which makes trich even harder to cover up. My new plan is to try to learn to knit in the hopes that it gives me another outlet. I also am thinking about trying to learn to meditate which has always been a daunting and unrealistic idea since I'm normally just a giant ball of stress. I know I need to get back on track or else my self esteem will continue to suffer and diminish. So if you have tips, if in the 7 months I've been gone you happen to still be reading my blog and want to share anything that has worked for you, I would LOVE to hear about it. Time to switch things up again. But to start I will try and make more regular appearances here and hope that anyone reading this will bear with me as I struggle to battle this infuriating disease. Thanks for reading!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
