I love pulling my hair. I dont know why, I love it. When I get that one hair that looks too dark, too thick, out of place, too short (or any number of excuses) I feel a sense of satisfaction. I love when the root of the hair is attached which is kind of like a double score.
But the love for pulling only lasts while I'm pulling. The second that reality kicks in, I hate it. I hate the disease, hate myself for pulling and hate the way I look without my eyebrows or eyelashes (or the thinning spots on my head). I hate how self conscious I feel being around others. I hate the way the manicurist looks puzzled every time she gets to my forefingers and sees the permanent indent and doesnt quite know what to make of it. I hate the way that I sneak to my husbands gym bag and borrow his tweezers when he goes to bed before me (despite me telling him to hide the tweezers I quickly noticed where they were). I hate that I dont admit to him that I know where to find the tweezers. I hate that I have wrinkles on my forehead from scrunching my face to make the hairs easier to pull. I hate that I'm terrified that I will have a child with trich who will suffer like I've suffered. I hate, I hate, I hate everything that this disease has done to me and continues to do to me but mostly I hate that I love pulling.
So despite my hatred for all things trich far outnumbering what I love about pulling I continue to be a puppet to this disease. Yesterday I went to a knitting store and got a private lesson to try and learn a new habit, one that others call "addictive" and that has the benefit of keeping my hands busy while making something useful. The woman asked me why I decided to start learning to knit now and I responded "i need to find a way to de-stress". I knew that this was a part of it but not the whole truth so I decided to offer it up after a fairly long pause ".... and I have trich". Yup, I did it. Admitted it to another stranger. Isn't that what people tell alcoholics? Admitting is the first step? So here I am again, confessing my dark secret to strangers but this time a stranger who actually knew what trich was. "That's a great reason and hopefully will help" she replied and then we moved on. No awkward looks or stares or explanations. And here we go again. I only hope that one day I find something that really helps (and for the near future I'm hoping that "something" is knitting! It's worth a shot!)
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hello Kimberly. I am a fellow trichster. I have the same disease and everything you say resonates with me. You mentioned knitting (I do that and yes, it helps) and meditation (I do this too and I believe that this is where the solution to our problems lie.)
ReplyDeleteHang in there. It helps to talk with others about our condition--friends, husbands, people who can be compassionate. Be kind to yourself too!
may you be happy,
kate
I found this on a day that I'm feeling rather insecure because I forgot to draw on my eyebrows when I walked outside. So now I'm at work, with no eyebrows, and trying to build up my self-confidence in a hope that no one will notice.
ReplyDeleteI think this blog is amazing, and I've only read a few posts so far. But it means a lot that you post this, and it helps. So thank you.
Thank you both for your comments. Kate- I certainly agree that the key may be figuring out how to manage stress. Talking has helped me (and most of my friends and family know I have trich) but more with the self conscious aspect and not so much helping me stop. Have you been pull-free? What helped you? Would love any tips!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous- I have certainly been there and have several pencils and makeup that I leave in different bags so I'm never left without make up. I'm always afraid i will scratch my head or it will rain and my eyebrows will disappear. It's the worst. Thank you so much for your positive feedback, it helps me stay motivated to keep posting! Hang in there!
I have had the disorder since I was a teenager!! My eyebrows are now tattooed best decision I ever made because I used to worry the same way!! I have begun to pull out my eyelashes and I know they look horrible and people look! I remember one night my eyebrows completely disappeared and I didn't even know! Not many people know about our disease and its hard to even admit that I have it!! Look into cosmetic tattoos I never worry about my eyebrows anymore even though I know people wonder!!
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