It's been a crazy few months. I knew starting a business would be crazy but I had no idea how many steps were involved! On Friday I finally left my old job which was a pretty big mix of emotions. I love some of the people I was working with (to be honest there were only 4 people besides my boss, i liked everyone but him) but it was definitely time to go and even on my last day my boss provided me with a wonderful reminder of why I was doing the right thing (apparently telling the new "marketing" guy he has already screwed over that I left b/c I had a trust fund and he wouldnt make me partner- haha!) Oh, how I wont miss the bullshit and the drama.
So a new chapter has now begun. I was exhausted working my old job and trying to get the new firm up and going. On Monday we finally launched our website and began emailing announcements. We've been so fortunate to already have some clients so that has eased a small, small amount of the financial burden.
On to important matters. Trich. I wish I had better news although I guess it's not all bad. I slipped. About a week or so ago I was exhausted, let down my guard, and began to pull from my left eye. There was one hair, one stupid hair, that was 'above' all the others so of course that one had to go. Then it was uneven so another went. Then it didnt look right so another after that. You know how it goes. I think all in all I pulled about 5 or 6 hairs from the same general spot so if you look closely, its certainly noticeable and I'm back to relying on eyeliner in the interim.
I knew I should stop. i kind of wanted to stop but honestly not all that bad- it felt pretty good. Until it was over, then, like every other time, I felt like crap. My eyebrows, or what little continues to be left of them, have not gotten better or worse since the last time I posted. So now we are coming on a year since I began this blog and I definitely have been analyzing my ups and downs, thinking what I can do different. While I'm glad at all the progress I have made, I wont lie, I'm still disappointed that for yet another year my resolution will be to "beat trich". I havent smoked since August which is good but they dont lie when people say you put on 10-15 pounds after quitting smoking. So this week I hit the gym again and am recommitting to my fight against trich- I am the only one responsible for how I look and feel right now and it's time I took a little more ownership of myself.
There will always be stress, maybe now its not because of my boss but because I will worry where my next paycheck will come from. There will ALWAYS be an excuse. All of this is part of life. I can own it or let it own me. So I will continue to try and come up with a way to beat trich and, in the meantime, try and become a better blogger for those of you that are supportive and kind enough to read my blog and have offered words of encouragement. I hope this next year brings all of you success with this stupid disease. Maybe one day there will actually be a cure but until then we just keep on fighting..
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I Quit!
I did it. I finally did it. After 3 years of being unhappy with my job I finally quit to pursue my own firm. It's been an emotional couple weeks- I really threw it all into high gear- but I finally got up the nerve to do it and, to top it off, I have not pulled my eyelashes despite the stress of it all. Ok, I admit that I have been having a little more trouble with my eyebrows but its not out of control. Considering how hard it can be not to pull during stressful times I am pretty proud of myself and again, attribute a lot of the success to just keeping my hands busy. It sounds silly but it works, I just find something to do and spend very little time in front of the mirror.
As for the job, I'm not sure what the future brings. Giving up a paycheck isnt easy but the signs have all been there and this has been a year of change for me (and self-improvement) so this is just the next big step. I'm excited to see what can happen. I have managed to control my eyelash pulling trich, which had control over me for 22 years, so I think anything can be possible. Yes, i still need to work on my battle with the eyelashes but I'm trying to cut myself a little slack and be grateful for the progress I've made. I'm hoping that I also just eliminated a big stressor from my life by quitting my job, or at least a big source of unhappiness. Oh, and did I mention I also havent smoked in 3 months? :)
As for the job, I'm not sure what the future brings. Giving up a paycheck isnt easy but the signs have all been there and this has been a year of change for me (and self-improvement) so this is just the next big step. I'm excited to see what can happen. I have managed to control my eyelash pulling trich, which had control over me for 22 years, so I think anything can be possible. Yes, i still need to work on my battle with the eyelashes but I'm trying to cut myself a little slack and be grateful for the progress I've made. I'm hoping that I also just eliminated a big stressor from my life by quitting my job, or at least a big source of unhappiness. Oh, and did I mention I also havent smoked in 3 months? :)
Monday, November 8, 2010
Finding the balance
Now that I've pretty much stopped pulling my eyelashes (i wont say completely stopped b/c I'm sticking to the old docs "you have beaten it until 2 years" statement), I'm trying to find a balance with my eyebrows which are a little trickier. When it comes to eyelashes, pulling or plucking at all just cant happen or its clearly noticeable. The eyebrows are obviously more of a gray area.
For me, I always overdo it when I tweeze or "groom" my eyebrows. Its compulsive but a vicious cycle. I know they are too thin, I get that. After having my make up done a few weeks ago I realize how much better it would look to have thicker eyebrows- the question is whether I can get to that point. Once the hairs start coming in, and it looks "scraggly" (is that even a word) I become obsessed. I cant have tiny little hairs all over the place even if in a few weeks it would mean thicker, nicer eyebrows. Maybe it would be different if they could instantly fill in, then I wouuld live with it, but its the interim eyebrows that ruin it for me.
I know I should just stop pulling altogether but I know that just isn't likely to happen for me. I cant have the scraggly look or I know I will start pulling and once that happens, I will overdo it and be left with half a thin eyebrow. In the past it has not uncommon for me to have about 1/2" inch of eyebrow- straight and thin- clearly over-plucked to the trillionth degree. I don't even know if you can call that an eyebrow. Its more like above-the-eye-hairs all in a row.
Its been suggested to have them waxed but I'm still in that phase where there just wouldn't be enough to wax and I think most women who do wax other areas would agree you have to be able to live with scraggle for a little while before you can have someone do it. I just cant get to the point where it grows out enough to do that. Again, the vicious cycle continues. I think this "overgrooming" is pretty common. Also, I've never really had to wax any area since I've never been able to stand much hair anywhere on my body.
Any tips on how to find this balance? I'm just hoping it will come to me, that there will be some big change or that I can not pull or "groom" long enough to get them in and then have it either professionally done or at least be grooming a generally larger eyebrow. We'll see what happens. I guess this is my next big test but fortunately I am still going very strong with my eyelashes which is a big relief (and that gives me hope I can tackle anything!)
For me, I always overdo it when I tweeze or "groom" my eyebrows. Its compulsive but a vicious cycle. I know they are too thin, I get that. After having my make up done a few weeks ago I realize how much better it would look to have thicker eyebrows- the question is whether I can get to that point. Once the hairs start coming in, and it looks "scraggly" (is that even a word) I become obsessed. I cant have tiny little hairs all over the place even if in a few weeks it would mean thicker, nicer eyebrows. Maybe it would be different if they could instantly fill in, then I wouuld live with it, but its the interim eyebrows that ruin it for me.
I know I should just stop pulling altogether but I know that just isn't likely to happen for me. I cant have the scraggly look or I know I will start pulling and once that happens, I will overdo it and be left with half a thin eyebrow. In the past it has not uncommon for me to have about 1/2" inch of eyebrow- straight and thin- clearly over-plucked to the trillionth degree. I don't even know if you can call that an eyebrow. Its more like above-the-eye-hairs all in a row.
Its been suggested to have them waxed but I'm still in that phase where there just wouldn't be enough to wax and I think most women who do wax other areas would agree you have to be able to live with scraggle for a little while before you can have someone do it. I just cant get to the point where it grows out enough to do that. Again, the vicious cycle continues. I think this "overgrooming" is pretty common. Also, I've never really had to wax any area since I've never been able to stand much hair anywhere on my body.
Any tips on how to find this balance? I'm just hoping it will come to me, that there will be some big change or that I can not pull or "groom" long enough to get them in and then have it either professionally done or at least be grooming a generally larger eyebrow. We'll see what happens. I guess this is my next big test but fortunately I am still going very strong with my eyelashes which is a big relief (and that gives me hope I can tackle anything!)
Friday, October 29, 2010
Bad, bad blogger but great eyelashes!
I have been a horrible blogger lately. I'm sorry. I havent been able to spend much time on the computer in the last few weeks because of so much running around (the job situation may be changing very soon!)
I'm still doing really well, now with both my eyebrows and eyelashes. I had one night, about a week ago, where I pulled two eyelashes for no apparent reason but then I stopped myself, walked away, and the urges have not yet returned. The key for me is really keeping busy. The busier I am, the less I pull. It's when I have downtime and sit and relax mindlessly with no goal, or get lazy and dont get up and change where I am when an urge hits, that I do the most damage.
Exactly a week ago I was feeling especially frustrated and left work a little early. I had about 2 hours to kill before going to a party and made a stop at Sephora where apparently they will do your entire make up for free! Woo-hoo. So I had Anthony take a shot at teaching me how to actually do my make up since I'm a bit hopeless when it comes to that kind of stuff.
Normally I am so anxious about having people so close to my face and always dreaded having my make up done for weddings but this time I felt good. Yes, my eyebrows are still on the thin side but with a little brown eyeliner and some eyebrush powder he plumped them up and they looked awesome. It actually gave me even more motivation to stop overpulling them (or justifying tweezing the hairs in my overgrooming ways).
Next Anthony tried to show me how to do my eye make- up. I'm going to be honest and say that I doubt I will continue spending 30 minutes in the morning on just my eyes, which is what he did, but the last week I've tried to replicate them in the 5-10 minute version. Anyway, he's in the midst of putting on shadow #3 or 4 when he says "you have great eyelashes". Um, what???? Yes, for me they look good but they are still pretty thin even though I've barely touched them in months. I felt so proud! He finished off by applying a few coats of mascara and I have to admit it was a pretty amazing feeling- they looked perfect.
Needless to say I have not been able to get my make up to look as great as he did(why can I never remember how to do it? it seems so easy as he walked me through it but then I totally forgot all the tips) but I was able to pick up some helpful tips and, coupled with the eyebrow fluffing tips, I feel as though I look like someone with no outward signs of trich. None.
It's days like that which help me stay motivated! The hard work and persistence, the tears of telling friends and family, getting up when tired, coming up with new ideas, blogging, scouring the internet for information and ideas, it's paying off! I know I have to keep working at it because trich doesnt just go away with a few months of success but I really feel as though I might be able to beat this and I'm definitely on the right track!
I'm still doing really well, now with both my eyebrows and eyelashes. I had one night, about a week ago, where I pulled two eyelashes for no apparent reason but then I stopped myself, walked away, and the urges have not yet returned. The key for me is really keeping busy. The busier I am, the less I pull. It's when I have downtime and sit and relax mindlessly with no goal, or get lazy and dont get up and change where I am when an urge hits, that I do the most damage.
Exactly a week ago I was feeling especially frustrated and left work a little early. I had about 2 hours to kill before going to a party and made a stop at Sephora where apparently they will do your entire make up for free! Woo-hoo. So I had Anthony take a shot at teaching me how to actually do my make up since I'm a bit hopeless when it comes to that kind of stuff.
Normally I am so anxious about having people so close to my face and always dreaded having my make up done for weddings but this time I felt good. Yes, my eyebrows are still on the thin side but with a little brown eyeliner and some eyebrush powder he plumped them up and they looked awesome. It actually gave me even more motivation to stop overpulling them (or justifying tweezing the hairs in my overgrooming ways).
Next Anthony tried to show me how to do my eye make- up. I'm going to be honest and say that I doubt I will continue spending 30 minutes in the morning on just my eyes, which is what he did, but the last week I've tried to replicate them in the 5-10 minute version. Anyway, he's in the midst of putting on shadow #3 or 4 when he says "you have great eyelashes". Um, what???? Yes, for me they look good but they are still pretty thin even though I've barely touched them in months. I felt so proud! He finished off by applying a few coats of mascara and I have to admit it was a pretty amazing feeling- they looked perfect.
Needless to say I have not been able to get my make up to look as great as he did(why can I never remember how to do it? it seems so easy as he walked me through it but then I totally forgot all the tips) but I was able to pick up some helpful tips and, coupled with the eyebrow fluffing tips, I feel as though I look like someone with no outward signs of trich. None.
It's days like that which help me stay motivated! The hard work and persistence, the tears of telling friends and family, getting up when tired, coming up with new ideas, blogging, scouring the internet for information and ideas, it's paying off! I know I have to keep working at it because trich doesnt just go away with a few months of success but I really feel as though I might be able to beat this and I'm definitely on the right track!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Time flies
Today I realized it's been a week since my last posting- sometimes I'm not quite sure where the time goes. I'm doing better although a little pulling from my eyebrows last night which wasnt great but managed to hold off on the urges to pull my eyelashes that crept up while I was reading on the couch. Once again, I found that just removing myself from the situation for a little while by getting up, cleaning my face, organizing my old magazines, etc just helps keep me busy until the urges subside.
Not much else to report, just keeping busy with work and life, trying to change my current job situation - funny how you can hate your situation but lack the motivation to do anything about it. Hoping that I can kick myself in the ass and jumpstart my motivation again soon, for now, just trying to do at least a little bit every day.
Not much else to report, just keeping busy with work and life, trying to change my current job situation - funny how you can hate your situation but lack the motivation to do anything about it. Hoping that I can kick myself in the ass and jumpstart my motivation again soon, for now, just trying to do at least a little bit every day.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
My very own unsolved mystery
Last night I once again went to battle with my eyebrows. Just the end of both the right and left (and by end I mean the brow part closest to my nose). I dont really know why I pulled but I know I really didnt want to stop. It just felt good. The satisfaction of grabbing the long and short hairs that were there, pulling them from their roots, just felt good. Too bad the result isnt good as my eyebrows now start about 1/4 inch from where they should start (maybe less, i have no idea about distance). Either way, there is definite damage.
I still dont want to pull my eyelashes, its just not as satisfying. But my eyebrows, when I pull the eyebrow hair it is a different sensation. I can almost hear the snapping sound as they get pulled from the skin. I wish I could pinpoint what it is about the pulling that I enjoy so much but I do. It's my drug. I knew there would be damage, I expected it. I knew that when I got up from the couch and went to the bathroom to survey the damage in the mirror I wouldn't like what I saw. But I made no attempt to stop.
The weekend was good. I was relaxed (despite the usual stressors- work, money, student loans) but nothing to make me overly anxious or upset. So why now? And why did I not want to stop? Why didn't I do anything to even try to stop? Sometimes I wish I knew what it was about the pulling that I enjoyed so much, wish I could put how it feels into words and explain to a non-puller just how it feels. How there is the mix of feeling so good and at ease with pulling yet so guilty and frustrated and angry with what you know is the inevitable result- the shame, the missing hair and the energy required to cover up that follows. I love mysteries but I'm not sure this is one I will ever solve. :(
I still dont want to pull my eyelashes, its just not as satisfying. But my eyebrows, when I pull the eyebrow hair it is a different sensation. I can almost hear the snapping sound as they get pulled from the skin. I wish I could pinpoint what it is about the pulling that I enjoy so much but I do. It's my drug. I knew there would be damage, I expected it. I knew that when I got up from the couch and went to the bathroom to survey the damage in the mirror I wouldn't like what I saw. But I made no attempt to stop.
The weekend was good. I was relaxed (despite the usual stressors- work, money, student loans) but nothing to make me overly anxious or upset. So why now? And why did I not want to stop? Why didn't I do anything to even try to stop? Sometimes I wish I knew what it was about the pulling that I enjoyed so much, wish I could put how it feels into words and explain to a non-puller just how it feels. How there is the mix of feeling so good and at ease with pulling yet so guilty and frustrated and angry with what you know is the inevitable result- the shame, the missing hair and the energy required to cover up that follows. I love mysteries but I'm not sure this is one I will ever solve. :(
Thursday, October 7, 2010
The ends
Yesterday I slipped- I pulled two eyelashes from my right eye (the eye where they already look thinner despite having not pulled either side for almost two months) and two hairs from my right eyebrow. I like the hairs at the end, they have a different feel to them when i pull them- it's hard to explain but its almost more of a "snap" to it.
I slipped while at work. I was incredibly tired and frustrated with my boss, not a huge surprise, and found myself pulling. I can, and have, taken a lot of crap from him over the 3 years I've been here (and the dozens of people I've seen come and go, i've been here the longest) but now he has started being incredibly patronizing- he likes to continually ask us to do things "for the good of the team" and will say that benefits will follow, although they never do. However, he is the only one that NEVER, NEVER steps up "for the good of the team". He'll say we are all coworkers and teammates, and he knows that he needs our help with so much legal work he cant do himself since he lacks the actual experience, but when push comes to shove he repeatedly drops the ball and cant be bothered, even with his own clients. Again, I can take a lot of shit, but we all have our limits.
It's time to make some changes with work and step up my efforts to get out of my job- I keep hoping things here will change but deep down I know that it's not going to happen and I dont want to be self destructive in the process.
My guard is back up, lesson learned. Luckily as soon as I realized what I was doing, despite how good I will admit it felt, I got up and walked around the office, talked to a coworkers about something unrelated and let myself simmer down a bit. My boss sucks enough life out of me as it is but I wont let my frustration and anger with him impede my progress in the battle against trich. Karma is a bitch- what goes around comes around.
I slipped while at work. I was incredibly tired and frustrated with my boss, not a huge surprise, and found myself pulling. I can, and have, taken a lot of crap from him over the 3 years I've been here (and the dozens of people I've seen come and go, i've been here the longest) but now he has started being incredibly patronizing- he likes to continually ask us to do things "for the good of the team" and will say that benefits will follow, although they never do. However, he is the only one that NEVER, NEVER steps up "for the good of the team". He'll say we are all coworkers and teammates, and he knows that he needs our help with so much legal work he cant do himself since he lacks the actual experience, but when push comes to shove he repeatedly drops the ball and cant be bothered, even with his own clients. Again, I can take a lot of shit, but we all have our limits.
It's time to make some changes with work and step up my efforts to get out of my job- I keep hoping things here will change but deep down I know that it's not going to happen and I dont want to be self destructive in the process.
My guard is back up, lesson learned. Luckily as soon as I realized what I was doing, despite how good I will admit it felt, I got up and walked around the office, talked to a coworkers about something unrelated and let myself simmer down a bit. My boss sucks enough life out of me as it is but I wont let my frustration and anger with him impede my progress in the battle against trich. Karma is a bitch- what goes around comes around.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Staring contests (and dropping the ball with month 2's goals)
Month 2 has not been as successful as month 1- I have barely even tried to follow through on my goals, in part b/c I've been busy with other things and in part b/c when I'm not busy with other things I've been lazy.
On a positive note, I am still not pulling my eyebrows or eyelashes. I'm thinking that my eyelashes, after 2 months of no pulling, are pretty much as good as they are going to get. They look good, dont get me wrong, but I wish they were thicker- when I was a kid I had really dark, thick eyelashes. I guess 22 years of pulling them out can have that result. With a little mascara, and sometimes a little eyeliner, they generally look good but I'm pretty obsessive in the "do they still look thin/can people tell" way. This weekend was actually the first time I had any urge to pull either but just walking away from the mirror and distracting myself for 15 mins with cleaning my apartment helped me get through it. Phew.
While I'm not so interested in my own hair these days, I'm totally obsessed with the new boyfriends (yes, I chose boy 1 officially). He has a super white chest hair (the one I previously named) that I swear glows in the dark and I just want to yank out. He also has an eyelash on his left eyelid that is quite a bit longer than the rest and curls down while the others curl up. Boy do I want to just yank that hair out. Sometimes I just stare at it. We have starting contests sometimes as a joke and he thinks its funny that I'll mostly stare at his left eye but he doesnt yet know about trich and know that I cant stop thinking about, and wanting to pull, that stupid eyelash. Ha.
Oh yeah, and I can actually have staring contests now. Haha. I'm not totally paranoid about someone looking me in the eyes and noticing my missing hair. It also gives me extra motivation not to pull since he likes to look me in the eyes (it can be pretty intense and quite a bit sexy/sexual) and it would be weird to just freak out about it one day. I'll take whatever motivation I can get for the next 1 year and 10 months (or the time it takes for me to really kick this horrible disease).
Reason to stop #31- staring contests
On a positive note, I am still not pulling my eyebrows or eyelashes. I'm thinking that my eyelashes, after 2 months of no pulling, are pretty much as good as they are going to get. They look good, dont get me wrong, but I wish they were thicker- when I was a kid I had really dark, thick eyelashes. I guess 22 years of pulling them out can have that result. With a little mascara, and sometimes a little eyeliner, they generally look good but I'm pretty obsessive in the "do they still look thin/can people tell" way. This weekend was actually the first time I had any urge to pull either but just walking away from the mirror and distracting myself for 15 mins with cleaning my apartment helped me get through it. Phew.
While I'm not so interested in my own hair these days, I'm totally obsessed with the new boyfriends (yes, I chose boy 1 officially). He has a super white chest hair (the one I previously named) that I swear glows in the dark and I just want to yank out. He also has an eyelash on his left eyelid that is quite a bit longer than the rest and curls down while the others curl up. Boy do I want to just yank that hair out. Sometimes I just stare at it. We have starting contests sometimes as a joke and he thinks its funny that I'll mostly stare at his left eye but he doesnt yet know about trich and know that I cant stop thinking about, and wanting to pull, that stupid eyelash. Ha.
Oh yeah, and I can actually have staring contests now. Haha. I'm not totally paranoid about someone looking me in the eyes and noticing my missing hair. It also gives me extra motivation not to pull since he likes to look me in the eyes (it can be pretty intense and quite a bit sexy/sexual) and it would be weird to just freak out about it one day. I'll take whatever motivation I can get for the next 1 year and 10 months (or the time it takes for me to really kick this horrible disease).
Reason to stop #31- staring contests
Friday, October 1, 2010
A Professional Reminder
Yesterday I received a call from a friend of mine in DC who is going through a very tough time. Circumstances led me to track down my old pscyhologist, John Chamberlain, who I had started seeing in 2002 when I lived in the area. I had seen him primarily due to issues following what I saw in the hospital on 9/11, and a few other things and over the years I had forgotten that he also happened to specialize in trichtillomania. Anyway, I located him online and saw trich listed under areas he specialized in (at the time he was a doctor at my law schools clinic and by the time we got through my other issues I had pretty much used up all the counseling services I was allowed and then some, and barely got to address trich).
It was really nice catching up with him and we talked briefly about trich. I told him where I was with my fight to beat this, having finally opened up to friends and family this year, starting this blog, etc. I mentioned that I was happy that my desire to pull my eyelashes has really subsided and that its been much, much easier to control my urges to pull my eyebrows. He told me that often age and hormones can have a big effect on trich although there arent really specific markers for when these changes in urges occur. He went on to state that it would be very uncommon to have the urges suddenly stop, that it is common for it to be reduced over a few months and then possibly stop altogether. Again, I stress possibly.
He warned me that the next two years will be the real test- that most people relapse with trich and you cant consider yourself a success story (contrary to the success stories posted on TLC's website which mostly deal with people that are 6 months pull-free) until you have gone 2 years. Apparently after the 2 year mark the risk of relapse is drastically reduced. He urged me to continue to stay on guard for the next two years and to continually think about it and come up with strategies and habits to help prevent myself from pulling, even if right now I dont feel as much of an urge to pull.
I never expected this to be easy and while I may have hoped that this was a clear indication of future trich-free-ness, I realistically new I was still going to have to be on guard for a while. I just never expected to hear 2 years, i thought maybe 6 months. Maybe a year. But if that's what it takes, that's where I hope to some day (in 1 year and 10 months) arrive. Until then I'll just keep fighting it.
***********************************************************************************
I guess I'm going to do a personal plug here but if anyone reading this is in the DC area I really recommend contacting Dr. Chamberlain- his practice is now based in Silver Spring and I'd be confident that if anyone could help, he could (again, just my personal opinion but I cant say enough how much he helped me through some very tough times).
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/name/John_Chamberlain_PhD_Silver+Spring_Maryland_53963
It was really nice catching up with him and we talked briefly about trich. I told him where I was with my fight to beat this, having finally opened up to friends and family this year, starting this blog, etc. I mentioned that I was happy that my desire to pull my eyelashes has really subsided and that its been much, much easier to control my urges to pull my eyebrows. He told me that often age and hormones can have a big effect on trich although there arent really specific markers for when these changes in urges occur. He went on to state that it would be very uncommon to have the urges suddenly stop, that it is common for it to be reduced over a few months and then possibly stop altogether. Again, I stress possibly.
He warned me that the next two years will be the real test- that most people relapse with trich and you cant consider yourself a success story (contrary to the success stories posted on TLC's website which mostly deal with people that are 6 months pull-free) until you have gone 2 years. Apparently after the 2 year mark the risk of relapse is drastically reduced. He urged me to continue to stay on guard for the next two years and to continually think about it and come up with strategies and habits to help prevent myself from pulling, even if right now I dont feel as much of an urge to pull.
I never expected this to be easy and while I may have hoped that this was a clear indication of future trich-free-ness, I realistically new I was still going to have to be on guard for a while. I just never expected to hear 2 years, i thought maybe 6 months. Maybe a year. But if that's what it takes, that's where I hope to some day (in 1 year and 10 months) arrive. Until then I'll just keep fighting it.
***********************************************************************************
I guess I'm going to do a personal plug here but if anyone reading this is in the DC area I really recommend contacting Dr. Chamberlain- his practice is now based in Silver Spring and I'd be confident that if anyone could help, he could (again, just my personal opinion but I cant say enough how much he helped me through some very tough times).
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/name/John_Chamberlain_PhD_Silver+Spring_Maryland_53963
Friday, September 24, 2010
Turning 30 and new goals for month 2.
Turning 30 wasn't as bad as I expected. Most of my friends were a bit ahead of me and some of them were really having a hard time so I was prepared for kicking and screaming. It really feels just like 29. The night before I had an hour or two where I mourned the loss of my 20's, but then I realized that it's kind of like getting a fresh start and I should just embrace it and be happy with where I am in my life at the moment.
The last week was great. Boy 1 and I went to Pennsylvania and went white water rafting, cave rappelling, hiking- basically just enjoyed some quiet time outside of NYC. I wasnt sure how 5 days away together would go but it was fine. The thing I'm having the hardest time with is deciding what qualities I'm really looking for in the person I could end up with. As I mentioned, he and boy 2 (who has taken a definite back seat but who is still pursuing) couldnt be more different. Boy 1 is extremely quiet and doesnt show a lot of emotion- good emotion or bad really. He is very content but so incredibly nice, truthworthy and just very genuine. But I'm a talkative and extremely motivated person- can the two work together? Maybe I need someone that isnt a type A like I am, but will that work? Ugh, I hate these decisions.
On another note, it is time to initiate month 2's goals. i want to add to month 1, so month 1's goals are still in effect, especially the exercise which i really need to step up. But I'm still not smoking, I'm sleeping better, sticking to my nighttime face-washing regiment, and basically not pulling (still nothing on my eyelashes although i pulled a few eyebrows last night when I was tired and driving around looking for parking- extremely aggravated and just started pulling).
Month 2 Goals:
1. Budget my finances- this is something that causes me a lot of stress. Between my student loans and just general bills I am horrible with finances and often live beyond my means and then will be up at night worrying about how to pay for everything. That needs to end- for my credit (which took a hit about 2 years ago after my student loans were 60 days late) and for my peace of mind. This month I'm going to work on fixing my old credit issues, coming up with a manageable budget and a plan for saving money. Stress results in pulling and I cant take that chance.
2. Be grateful- There are so many things in life that I tend to take for granted. Yes, I am extremely grateful for what I have and the opportunities I have been given, but I need to learn to be more content with my life as it is. I'm hoping this will also help me to relax a bit and learn to live in the moment instead of always looking ahead. I want to come up with 3 things every day, big or small, that I am grateful for in my life and at least one good thing that happened that day. Again, anxiety results in me slipping and I need to be more grateful for the little things, like the 30 days I haven't pulled an eyelash, so that when something hard or bad happens, I don't lose control.
3. Eat healthier and more natural foods- I have read a lot about food and its possible effect on trich over the last nine months or so and it certainly seems that there is a correlation between eating healthier and pulling less. Specifically, I've read (and found from my own mini-trials) that drinking less caffeine (which I now do) and eating less processed sugar, along with other dietary changes, can make a big difference in battling trich successfully. So it is time to give up my cupcakes and my snack foods and really eat healthier (after quitting smoking I could also now use to drop about 5 pounds). I am going to try and eat more fruits and vegetables, spend more time at farmers markets (mainly because I always LOVE very fresh food and would be more inclined to eat it) and generally limit the amount of processed foods that I eat.
So that's it- on top of last months goals I am adding these 3 new goals. Here's to month 2 and a healthy and happy 30th year! Bye bye 20's!
The last week was great. Boy 1 and I went to Pennsylvania and went white water rafting, cave rappelling, hiking- basically just enjoyed some quiet time outside of NYC. I wasnt sure how 5 days away together would go but it was fine. The thing I'm having the hardest time with is deciding what qualities I'm really looking for in the person I could end up with. As I mentioned, he and boy 2 (who has taken a definite back seat but who is still pursuing) couldnt be more different. Boy 1 is extremely quiet and doesnt show a lot of emotion- good emotion or bad really. He is very content but so incredibly nice, truthworthy and just very genuine. But I'm a talkative and extremely motivated person- can the two work together? Maybe I need someone that isnt a type A like I am, but will that work? Ugh, I hate these decisions.
On another note, it is time to initiate month 2's goals. i want to add to month 1, so month 1's goals are still in effect, especially the exercise which i really need to step up. But I'm still not smoking, I'm sleeping better, sticking to my nighttime face-washing regiment, and basically not pulling (still nothing on my eyelashes although i pulled a few eyebrows last night when I was tired and driving around looking for parking- extremely aggravated and just started pulling).
Month 2 Goals:
1. Budget my finances- this is something that causes me a lot of stress. Between my student loans and just general bills I am horrible with finances and often live beyond my means and then will be up at night worrying about how to pay for everything. That needs to end- for my credit (which took a hit about 2 years ago after my student loans were 60 days late) and for my peace of mind. This month I'm going to work on fixing my old credit issues, coming up with a manageable budget and a plan for saving money. Stress results in pulling and I cant take that chance.
2. Be grateful- There are so many things in life that I tend to take for granted. Yes, I am extremely grateful for what I have and the opportunities I have been given, but I need to learn to be more content with my life as it is. I'm hoping this will also help me to relax a bit and learn to live in the moment instead of always looking ahead. I want to come up with 3 things every day, big or small, that I am grateful for in my life and at least one good thing that happened that day. Again, anxiety results in me slipping and I need to be more grateful for the little things, like the 30 days I haven't pulled an eyelash, so that when something hard or bad happens, I don't lose control.
3. Eat healthier and more natural foods- I have read a lot about food and its possible effect on trich over the last nine months or so and it certainly seems that there is a correlation between eating healthier and pulling less. Specifically, I've read (and found from my own mini-trials) that drinking less caffeine (which I now do) and eating less processed sugar, along with other dietary changes, can make a big difference in battling trich successfully. So it is time to give up my cupcakes and my snack foods and really eat healthier (after quitting smoking I could also now use to drop about 5 pounds). I am going to try and eat more fruits and vegetables, spend more time at farmers markets (mainly because I always LOVE very fresh food and would be more inclined to eat it) and generally limit the amount of processed foods that I eat.
So that's it- on top of last months goals I am adding these 3 new goals. Here's to month 2 and a healthy and happy 30th year! Bye bye 20's!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
See you next week!
To celebrate a month of being pull free, and the end of my 20's, I'm taking a little adventure trip with guy #1. The last month has been a really good time for me, not just with trich, but really focusing on dealing with my own thoughts and reflecting on the past decade and what lies ahead (what I want with my life, at least for the near future). I figured a trip out of the city, away from noise and distractions, to have some fun and be active would be the perfect way to start and end things. So we are off. I hope if you are reading this you are having a pull free day (or forgiving yourself for pulling, picking up and moving forward) and I will see you next week!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Hormones, Sex and Trich
Following my post the other day I decided that telling my sister about the lack of any urge to pull my eyelashes wouldn't cause a big disastrous set back. Her response "maybe because you've been having a lot more sex lately?" Needless to say, it did get me thinking.....
Looking back on the past 9 months or so it really does seem that the more sex I am having the better I tend to do with trich. Maybe it's because when I'm seeing someone my personal life at least feels pretty good but I'm not sure that would be the explanation since I'm also pretty happy being single (and happen to be one of those people that LOVES alone time and having independence).
The last year or two I've noticed that the rumor about your sex drive improving as you hit 30 might really be true. For a long time I wasn't a very sexual person, it would end up being more of relationship "maintenance" then something I really enjoyed. That's definitely changed. So that brings me to the question of whether as you age and your hormones change it can be easier to battle trich? I'm not really sure but it something I definitely plan on looking into a bit more. Maybe its also the combination of sex, sleep, and exercise? Now I'm just throwing ideas out there (and I will just note here that even two months ago, when i was regularly having sex, I was still struggling with trich so at this point its just a general, albeit personal, observation).
Anyway, that's my random thought of the day and when I have some downtime I will do some research and post whatever I can come up with.
On another note, today marks 4 weeks of no smoking! Yay! Definitely feeling SO much better and I have also been sticking to all my regular goals of getting more (and better) sleep, exercising more regularly, sticking to a night time face washing regime, etc. Now its time to think of my goals for the next month! (and I'm finding that setting monthly goals as opposed to long term ones with no definitive end is really helping me stick to them). :)
Looking back on the past 9 months or so it really does seem that the more sex I am having the better I tend to do with trich. Maybe it's because when I'm seeing someone my personal life at least feels pretty good but I'm not sure that would be the explanation since I'm also pretty happy being single (and happen to be one of those people that LOVES alone time and having independence).
The last year or two I've noticed that the rumor about your sex drive improving as you hit 30 might really be true. For a long time I wasn't a very sexual person, it would end up being more of relationship "maintenance" then something I really enjoyed. That's definitely changed. So that brings me to the question of whether as you age and your hormones change it can be easier to battle trich? I'm not really sure but it something I definitely plan on looking into a bit more. Maybe its also the combination of sex, sleep, and exercise? Now I'm just throwing ideas out there (and I will just note here that even two months ago, when i was regularly having sex, I was still struggling with trich so at this point its just a general, albeit personal, observation).
Anyway, that's my random thought of the day and when I have some downtime I will do some research and post whatever I can come up with.
On another note, today marks 4 weeks of no smoking! Yay! Definitely feeling SO much better and I have also been sticking to all my regular goals of getting more (and better) sleep, exercising more regularly, sticking to a night time face washing regime, etc. Now its time to think of my goals for the next month! (and I'm finding that setting monthly goals as opposed to long term ones with no definitive end is really helping me stick to them). :)
Monday, September 13, 2010
30 Reasons to Stop Pulling
After my earlier post it really sunk in that I am about to turn 30 and will have had this disease for 22 years. That is a really long time, longer then I've ever done anything I can really think of. So, I decided now was as good of a time as any to really look back on all the reasons I have compiled these last few months (plus a few that I added and a few that were reader-suggested) and put them all in one post so, if I was having an urge, I could easily pull up the list and remind myself all the reasons I have wanted to stop. So, here they are........
Reason #1 to stop pulling -the feeling that you have to run to the bathroom when hooking up with a guy to make sure the eyeliner is still in place so he doesnt easily see what is missing.
Reasons #2 - Rain (and swimming, and anything that has to do with water since you never know how it will leave your make up and that feeling in the bottom of your stomach when you are out, you cant fix your make up, and you wonder how bad it is).
Reason #3: Pictures/closeups which seem to make the lack of eyelashes that much more apparent.
Reason #4: Camping/outdoor excursions- (I LOVE the outdoors but always hold back on going on trips where I know I will be around others but will have to come up with an excuse as to why i'm fixing my make up on a nature hike!)
Reason #5- crowded situations where you are forced to talk to people very close up and become extremely self conscious.
Reason # 6- feeling powerless that something has so much control over who I am, what I do, and how I live my life.
Reason # 7- the wrinkles that are appearing on my forehead (i'm 29!) because I always raise my eyebrows when stroking my eyelashes and feeling for what I will be trying to pick/not pick next- over the years I think I've spent so much time lifting my eyebrows to pluck my eyebrows that I'm getting premature awful wrinkles.
Reason #8- the fear of bright spots/locations.
Reason #9 - the anxiety of realizing I’m somewhere without my eyeliner.
Reason #10- being filmed where I cant control the views and close ups that are taken.
Reason #11- the dark circles that will often appear around my eyes as a result of wearing eyeliner (which smudges) with no eyelashes.
Reason #12- the need to always wear make up to hide the signs of trich
Reason #13- always feeling self conscious that people are aware of your 'secret'
Reason #14 -the unnecessary anxiety that is created when I feel a hair that is "out of place" and cant stop obsessing about it. Who needs extra anxiety in their life?
Reason #15- the scars that have developed on my body that will forever be a constant reminder of my trich and the embarrassment over having to try and explain where they came from.
Reason #16- all the bullshit stories I’ve told to “explain” why I have no eyebrows or eyelashes and the crappy way lying makes me feel.
Reason #17- the time/energy wasted on trying to cover up my trich.
Reason #18 (thanks to a reader)- feeling of failure-wanting to stop so desperately and trying but still one day wind up pulling again.
Reason #19 (also thanks to a reader)- Want to control your own life rather than feeling like Trich controls everything you do
Reason #20 - never learning how to actually use make up for its intended purpose since that would have required having a stranger too close to my face.
Reason #21- if trich can be genetic, I need to know how to stop so that I will be able to help my child and so he/she wont spent as much time suffering from this disease as I have.
Reason #22- years of pictures that I hate to look at because of missing eyelashes/eyebrows and/or really bad make up when I tried to cover up my trich.
Reason #23- the fear of getting something in my eyes (which isnt hard when you have no lashes and live in NYC) and not being able to have someone else look into my eye and see where that something is (and the worry of whether it will mess up my make up and i wont have time to fix it before people notice).
Reason #24- relationship issues caused by trich (hard to really be close to someone when you are hesitant to often be physically close for fear that they will uncover your 'secret' and end the relationship)
Reason #25- networking functions requiring close talking
Reason #26- years of time wasted on worrying about what others might think about my trich.
Reason #27- that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that arises when someone unexpectedly notices or comments about my missing hair.
Reason #28 - need to be able to "bat those lashes" on command - never know when you'll be asked.
Reason #29- the fear of dying with no eyelashes (not even dying itself, just dying with no eyelashes and everyone noticing then- this may sound crazy, I know)
Reason #30- not wanting to feel like I’m doing well, not pulling, and then failing again which makes you feel even worse then just the pulling again.
**********************************************************************************
Sadly, these are not even all the reasons I could probably come up with which would serve as reminders as to why I hate this disease so much. The list would probably go on and on and if I was trying to make a pro/con list, like I do with so many things, the "list of reasons to pull" would be blank.
Reason #1 to stop pulling -the feeling that you have to run to the bathroom when hooking up with a guy to make sure the eyeliner is still in place so he doesnt easily see what is missing.
Reasons #2 - Rain (and swimming, and anything that has to do with water since you never know how it will leave your make up and that feeling in the bottom of your stomach when you are out, you cant fix your make up, and you wonder how bad it is).
Reason #3: Pictures/closeups which seem to make the lack of eyelashes that much more apparent.
Reason #4: Camping/outdoor excursions- (I LOVE the outdoors but always hold back on going on trips where I know I will be around others but will have to come up with an excuse as to why i'm fixing my make up on a nature hike!)
Reason #5- crowded situations where you are forced to talk to people very close up and become extremely self conscious.
Reason # 6- feeling powerless that something has so much control over who I am, what I do, and how I live my life.
Reason # 7- the wrinkles that are appearing on my forehead (i'm 29!) because I always raise my eyebrows when stroking my eyelashes and feeling for what I will be trying to pick/not pick next- over the years I think I've spent so much time lifting my eyebrows to pluck my eyebrows that I'm getting premature awful wrinkles.
Reason #8- the fear of bright spots/locations.
Reason #9 - the anxiety of realizing I’m somewhere without my eyeliner.
Reason #10- being filmed where I cant control the views and close ups that are taken.
Reason #11- the dark circles that will often appear around my eyes as a result of wearing eyeliner (which smudges) with no eyelashes.
Reason #12- the need to always wear make up to hide the signs of trich
Reason #13- always feeling self conscious that people are aware of your 'secret'
Reason #14 -the unnecessary anxiety that is created when I feel a hair that is "out of place" and cant stop obsessing about it. Who needs extra anxiety in their life?
Reason #15- the scars that have developed on my body that will forever be a constant reminder of my trich and the embarrassment over having to try and explain where they came from.
Reason #16- all the bullshit stories I’ve told to “explain” why I have no eyebrows or eyelashes and the crappy way lying makes me feel.
Reason #17- the time/energy wasted on trying to cover up my trich.
Reason #18 (thanks to a reader)- feeling of failure-wanting to stop so desperately and trying but still one day wind up pulling again.
Reason #19 (also thanks to a reader)- Want to control your own life rather than feeling like Trich controls everything you do
Reason #20 - never learning how to actually use make up for its intended purpose since that would have required having a stranger too close to my face.
Reason #21- if trich can be genetic, I need to know how to stop so that I will be able to help my child and so he/she wont spent as much time suffering from this disease as I have.
Reason #22- years of pictures that I hate to look at because of missing eyelashes/eyebrows and/or really bad make up when I tried to cover up my trich.
Reason #23- the fear of getting something in my eyes (which isnt hard when you have no lashes and live in NYC) and not being able to have someone else look into my eye and see where that something is (and the worry of whether it will mess up my make up and i wont have time to fix it before people notice).
Reason #24- relationship issues caused by trich (hard to really be close to someone when you are hesitant to often be physically close for fear that they will uncover your 'secret' and end the relationship)
Reason #25- networking functions requiring close talking
Reason #26- years of time wasted on worrying about what others might think about my trich.
Reason #27- that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that arises when someone unexpectedly notices or comments about my missing hair.
Reason #28 - need to be able to "bat those lashes" on command - never know when you'll be asked.
Reason #29- the fear of dying with no eyelashes (not even dying itself, just dying with no eyelashes and everyone noticing then- this may sound crazy, I know)
Reason #30- not wanting to feel like I’m doing well, not pulling, and then failing again which makes you feel even worse then just the pulling again.
**********************************************************************************
Sadly, these are not even all the reasons I could probably come up with which would serve as reminders as to why I hate this disease so much. The list would probably go on and on and if I was trying to make a pro/con list, like I do with so many things, the "list of reasons to pull" would be blank.
Knock on wood- this may sound crazy.....
The weirdest thing has happened. I have no desire to pull my eyelashes. I didnt want to say anything before but I dont even have urges to pull them and it's been that way since I quit smoking. The urge to pull my eyebrows is still there, although not as strong, but for over 3 weeks I've wanted nothing to do with my eyelashes, even the "out of place" ones. I'm so happy that they are back, almost completely at this point, but I'm very freaked out about the feeling that the urges seem to have gone away. I know I still cant let my guard down, that this very possibly won't last, but I'm happy with it for now and it makes not pulling my eyebrows a little bit easier somehow. Can this really happen?
Years ago my mother told me that one day she had just stopped pulling. She had not pulled for as long as I had, not even close- maybe a year- and that she pulled out all her eyelashes and then basically just stopped. She said once in a while she would get a small urge to pull but nothing she couldn't fight off. I thought it was bullshit to be honest. My cousin suffered from trich for close to 12 years and I'm coming up on 22 years. That sounds insane seeing it again on paper. I have been pulling out my hair for 22 years. More then 2 decades. My 20's were not easy for some many reasons but I'm determined to make my 30's (which start next week!) better.
I also must confess that I have not really been pulling from other areas which I normally obsess over also (belly button region, the occasional dark chest hair, the pubic region) but don't spend as much time focusing on because no one can really see them anyway while my eyebrows and eyelashes are obviously very visible. Normally I shave almost everything just so that I'm not constantly pulling but again, I just haven't really felt the need to over the last few weeks. Yes, I am more inclined to pull from other areas and still occasionally do but even that has significantly decreased.
I'm really terrified to publish this post. I'm afraid that as soon as I do, the urges will come back threefold. This cant happen. This doesn't happen, does it? No way. It's got to come back which should be obvious as I still love the outer eyebrow hairs and the feel of tugging them out. I'm certainly not letting up fighting it but I'll take whatever help I can get right now.........
Years ago my mother told me that one day she had just stopped pulling. She had not pulled for as long as I had, not even close- maybe a year- and that she pulled out all her eyelashes and then basically just stopped. She said once in a while she would get a small urge to pull but nothing she couldn't fight off. I thought it was bullshit to be honest. My cousin suffered from trich for close to 12 years and I'm coming up on 22 years. That sounds insane seeing it again on paper. I have been pulling out my hair for 22 years. More then 2 decades. My 20's were not easy for some many reasons but I'm determined to make my 30's (which start next week!) better.
I also must confess that I have not really been pulling from other areas which I normally obsess over also (belly button region, the occasional dark chest hair, the pubic region) but don't spend as much time focusing on because no one can really see them anyway while my eyebrows and eyelashes are obviously very visible. Normally I shave almost everything just so that I'm not constantly pulling but again, I just haven't really felt the need to over the last few weeks. Yes, I am more inclined to pull from other areas and still occasionally do but even that has significantly decreased.
I'm really terrified to publish this post. I'm afraid that as soon as I do, the urges will come back threefold. This cant happen. This doesn't happen, does it? No way. It's got to come back which should be obvious as I still love the outer eyebrow hairs and the feel of tugging them out. I'm certainly not letting up fighting it but I'll take whatever help I can get right now.........
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Not just my hair
Do you ever become fixated on other peoples lashes or eyebrows? The hairs that they have that seem "out of place" or "different"? Ever want to pull their hairs badly too?
For years I have not just been obsessed with my own out of place or different hairs but those of other people. For example, I remember a friend of mine had a white eyelash on her left eye about a year ago and whenever I saw her, I would just stare at the hair, thinking of how much I would need to pull it out if I was her. Each time we got together I would look for the hair to see if she still had it.
The guy I've been dating has a few of these hairs also. He has one super long eyelash, one "out of place" and super light eyebrow hairs, and three white chest hairs (that I have now named- I know that might sound crazy- I even told him I named them (he doesnt know about my trich yet)). Anyway, we spent a lot of time together this weekend and it got me thinking about how much time I spend noticing other people's hair.
I'll also admit, as ashamed as I am to say this, that I once became so focused on a half black-half white whisker that my cat had that I pulled it out. I felt so awful afterward and didn't do it again but at that point, which was a few years ago, I knew I had to really start owning up to the control this disease had on me. I've since read that while not completely common, this can happen with people suffering from trich (not that it makes me feel better about it). I've actually never told anyone about that until now. Once again, have to love the guilt and shame that trich brings to our life (insert sarcasm).
I'm extremely aware of people on the subway with bushy eyebrows, penciled in eyebrows, lots of mascara, random hairs, you name it, I focus on it. It would be easy to say that this is a new obsession that had started since I really became focused on my own struggle with trich but this is the way it's been for years.
Anyway, that's my "issue of the day" I suppose. Tomorrow is my official "three week mark" and I plan on celebrating with a guilt-free vanilla with chocolate icing cupcake from my favorite cupcake shop in NYC (if you are ever in NYC you have to try one- it's MUCH better than Magnolia or Crumbs and I consider myself an unofficial cupcake testing expert)
For years I have not just been obsessed with my own out of place or different hairs but those of other people. For example, I remember a friend of mine had a white eyelash on her left eye about a year ago and whenever I saw her, I would just stare at the hair, thinking of how much I would need to pull it out if I was her. Each time we got together I would look for the hair to see if she still had it.
The guy I've been dating has a few of these hairs also. He has one super long eyelash, one "out of place" and super light eyebrow hairs, and three white chest hairs (that I have now named- I know that might sound crazy- I even told him I named them (he doesnt know about my trich yet)). Anyway, we spent a lot of time together this weekend and it got me thinking about how much time I spend noticing other people's hair.
I'll also admit, as ashamed as I am to say this, that I once became so focused on a half black-half white whisker that my cat had that I pulled it out. I felt so awful afterward and didn't do it again but at that point, which was a few years ago, I knew I had to really start owning up to the control this disease had on me. I've since read that while not completely common, this can happen with people suffering from trich (not that it makes me feel better about it). I've actually never told anyone about that until now. Once again, have to love the guilt and shame that trich brings to our life (insert sarcasm).
I'm extremely aware of people on the subway with bushy eyebrows, penciled in eyebrows, lots of mascara, random hairs, you name it, I focus on it. It would be easy to say that this is a new obsession that had started since I really became focused on my own struggle with trich but this is the way it's been for years.
Anyway, that's my "issue of the day" I suppose. Tomorrow is my official "three week mark" and I plan on celebrating with a guilt-free vanilla with chocolate icing cupcake from my favorite cupcake shop in NYC (if you are ever in NYC you have to try one- it's MUCH better than Magnolia or Crumbs and I consider myself an unofficial cupcake testing expert)
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Forging Ahead and Changing Routines
It's been almost 3 weeks since I started my month long quest and honestly things are going pretty well. Last night I was looking in the mirror for really the first time in a while and was amazed at how good my eyelashes looked. My eyebrows seem to take longer to come in and they are still pretty thin but my eyelashes look great and I'm back to really only needing a tiny bit of eyeliner and a bit of mascara to make them look "normal". Awesome.
The short update: I have not smoked at all and honestly dont even want to. The exercising took a little hiatus last week as I've been battling a horrible summer cold (and when you stop smoking you put on a few pounds which I have definitely done- about 5 maybe so I desperately need to start working out again- hopefully tomorrow), I've been sleeping MUCH better and despite what could be a pretty stressful time I'm doing shockingly well thanks to changing all my routines. I swear that has been the key.
It seems that when I tend to get into a good routine, particularly at night, where I sit and relax or watch TV, I tend to not be on guard enough with trich and find myself pulling. I think it's important, for me at least, to keep switching it up. When I find I"m getting too comfortable I need to somehow do things differently. Whether its watching TV in bed rather than on the sofa, or moving to a different area of my apartment, reading before bed, just something, it makes a big difference for me and I tend not to pull as much. And when I do get an urge, GETTING UP seems to really help. My fall back is cleaning- if I need to do something to keep myself distracted for 20 minutes or so (which is about how long it really takes the urge to subside just a bit) i'll tackle a closet, a cabinet, my fridge, something. But that's just what works for me these days and I know how easily trich can come up and bite me back in the ass. I'm just hoping to get through each day.
The short update: I have not smoked at all and honestly dont even want to. The exercising took a little hiatus last week as I've been battling a horrible summer cold (and when you stop smoking you put on a few pounds which I have definitely done- about 5 maybe so I desperately need to start working out again- hopefully tomorrow), I've been sleeping MUCH better and despite what could be a pretty stressful time I'm doing shockingly well thanks to changing all my routines. I swear that has been the key.
It seems that when I tend to get into a good routine, particularly at night, where I sit and relax or watch TV, I tend to not be on guard enough with trich and find myself pulling. I think it's important, for me at least, to keep switching it up. When I find I"m getting too comfortable I need to somehow do things differently. Whether its watching TV in bed rather than on the sofa, or moving to a different area of my apartment, reading before bed, just something, it makes a big difference for me and I tend not to pull as much. And when I do get an urge, GETTING UP seems to really help. My fall back is cleaning- if I need to do something to keep myself distracted for 20 minutes or so (which is about how long it really takes the urge to subside just a bit) i'll tackle a closet, a cabinet, my fridge, something. But that's just what works for me these days and I know how easily trich can come up and bite me back in the ass. I'm just hoping to get through each day.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Never giving up
We are often so hard on ourselves and our "inability" to just kick this horrible disease but sometimes we forget to give ourselves credit for all the times we do damage and then pick back up and keep fighting. It's actually pretty admirable if you think about it. I've been fighting this disease for almost 22 years and I'm sure many of you have been fighting it for a long time as well. We may have our ups and downs but we have never stopped trying. We've never given up. We make adjustments and we pick up the pieces and we continue to try. I think thats pretty amazing.
I'm going to go a little off topic today but I promise it does tie in with trich.
As I've mentioned before, my father is a 9/11 'survivor'. I'm not going to go into the entire story of what happened but suffice it to say that he suffered severe burns over a fairly large part of his body and when I first saw him in the hospital, before he was bandaged, he was unrecognizable (and even then it was weeks before we really saw "him" again). While his face looks fantastic his arms and hands are still in pretty awful shape, despite countless surgeries over the years (as recently as this past February).
The last 9 years have not been easy on my family. My father isnt the same person but we never forget how lucky we are to have him with us. While I'm ashamed to admit this, my mother, sister and I have grown a little tired of his obsession with 9/11. It's hard to understand but he always wants to tell his "story" to strangers, he makes homemade stickers for his car "9/11 burn survivor", he goes on message boards and expresses his anger at anyone that disagrees with his view at 9/11 (and this can be pretty intense), he's angry that people automatically assume he was a firefighter, he's angry that people dont pay attention to the injured and focus more on the people who did not survive, as well as the police and firefighters, he has a lot of anger and not all of it is rationale. 9/11 has now defined his life.
I guess part of our frustration stems from the fact that we wish he would move forward more, let go of some of his anger, that he would recognize that he has this amazing second chance at life and that despite the physical pain, that he would make progress (he has been in therapy but we are convinced his therapist is useless). It may not sound like we are being fair but we have also spent the last 9 years trying to move forward with our own lives. We spent weeks in the hospital, our lives have also been changed and we dont want 9/11 to define our lives too. We will never forget, but we want to move on.
The reason I'm bringing this up now is because yesterday I had an "ah-ha" conversation with my mother. She has been battling with her car dealership after constant issues with her car, and yesterday went to a different dealership where she and my father met another 9/11 survivor. This man had asked my dad about his injuries and they realized that they clearly had something in common. Well, this car salesman used to work for Cantor Fitzgerald and as you may recall, they suffered so many losses as their office was above the impact site. He survived (i'm unclear if he was below the point of impact or how it happened) but he has never been the same. He told my parents that he has never been able to go back into NYC. Not even for dinner. He gave up his pretty decent paying job and now works more hours for a lot less pay just because he he just couldnt have the same life anymore.
It's so easy to pass judgment, to think that it has been 9 years and people should move on. But everyone does things in their own way. The ah-ha realization was essentially that we dont give my father enough credit. He goes into the city. He hasnt stopped flying. While he is nervous to be around crowds and tall buildings, he does it. He has never given up. Each day he fights for his own definition of normalcy despite the setbacks. He has a surgery and has to start physical therapy all over again but he does it.
My mother and I also realized that he has only spoken about what he saw that day once-he talks about what happened to him quite often, but only one time did he describe the people that he saw jumping and the chaos at the site. It took me a long time to get over what I saw at the hospital that day, it's hard to imagine what it must have been like to actually be there.
So I bring this all up to remind myself about the value of perspective. Sometimes it's not about whether we beat trich, or if we are having a tough day or week, it's about how many times we are willing to get up. People can judge us if they want, they can think it should be easier for us to beat, to just stop pulling, but until they really walk in our shoes, and understand what we go through daily while struggling with this disease, we shouldnt care what they think. If they are going to make any judgment on us at all, it should be about how amazing it is that we keep trying and refuse to give up. We should be proud of ourselves. This doesnt mean the next time I may slip I'm going to feel good about myself, but I will pull it together and keep trying and that is something I will feel good about.
I'm going to go a little off topic today but I promise it does tie in with trich.
As I've mentioned before, my father is a 9/11 'survivor'. I'm not going to go into the entire story of what happened but suffice it to say that he suffered severe burns over a fairly large part of his body and when I first saw him in the hospital, before he was bandaged, he was unrecognizable (and even then it was weeks before we really saw "him" again). While his face looks fantastic his arms and hands are still in pretty awful shape, despite countless surgeries over the years (as recently as this past February).
The last 9 years have not been easy on my family. My father isnt the same person but we never forget how lucky we are to have him with us. While I'm ashamed to admit this, my mother, sister and I have grown a little tired of his obsession with 9/11. It's hard to understand but he always wants to tell his "story" to strangers, he makes homemade stickers for his car "9/11 burn survivor", he goes on message boards and expresses his anger at anyone that disagrees with his view at 9/11 (and this can be pretty intense), he's angry that people automatically assume he was a firefighter, he's angry that people dont pay attention to the injured and focus more on the people who did not survive, as well as the police and firefighters, he has a lot of anger and not all of it is rationale. 9/11 has now defined his life.
I guess part of our frustration stems from the fact that we wish he would move forward more, let go of some of his anger, that he would recognize that he has this amazing second chance at life and that despite the physical pain, that he would make progress (he has been in therapy but we are convinced his therapist is useless). It may not sound like we are being fair but we have also spent the last 9 years trying to move forward with our own lives. We spent weeks in the hospital, our lives have also been changed and we dont want 9/11 to define our lives too. We will never forget, but we want to move on.
The reason I'm bringing this up now is because yesterday I had an "ah-ha" conversation with my mother. She has been battling with her car dealership after constant issues with her car, and yesterday went to a different dealership where she and my father met another 9/11 survivor. This man had asked my dad about his injuries and they realized that they clearly had something in common. Well, this car salesman used to work for Cantor Fitzgerald and as you may recall, they suffered so many losses as their office was above the impact site. He survived (i'm unclear if he was below the point of impact or how it happened) but he has never been the same. He told my parents that he has never been able to go back into NYC. Not even for dinner. He gave up his pretty decent paying job and now works more hours for a lot less pay just because he he just couldnt have the same life anymore.
It's so easy to pass judgment, to think that it has been 9 years and people should move on. But everyone does things in their own way. The ah-ha realization was essentially that we dont give my father enough credit. He goes into the city. He hasnt stopped flying. While he is nervous to be around crowds and tall buildings, he does it. He has never given up. Each day he fights for his own definition of normalcy despite the setbacks. He has a surgery and has to start physical therapy all over again but he does it.
My mother and I also realized that he has only spoken about what he saw that day once-he talks about what happened to him quite often, but only one time did he describe the people that he saw jumping and the chaos at the site. It took me a long time to get over what I saw at the hospital that day, it's hard to imagine what it must have been like to actually be there.
So I bring this all up to remind myself about the value of perspective. Sometimes it's not about whether we beat trich, or if we are having a tough day or week, it's about how many times we are willing to get up. People can judge us if they want, they can think it should be easier for us to beat, to just stop pulling, but until they really walk in our shoes, and understand what we go through daily while struggling with this disease, we shouldnt care what they think. If they are going to make any judgment on us at all, it should be about how amazing it is that we keep trying and refuse to give up. We should be proud of ourselves. This doesnt mean the next time I may slip I'm going to feel good about myself, but I will pull it together and keep trying and that is something I will feel good about.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Things are looking up
Last week I put my "monthly plan" into action and it's been fairly successful. I think having a monthly goal just seems less intimidating then "i'll never do ______ again". So much of managing trich and changing habits is the mental aspect.
I'm not going to lie, I am tired and cranky this week. It's one of those days where I really probably shouldn't be allowed to be in the same room as other people. It's probably a combination of no-smoking, being tired, the crappy/rainy weather, and just general life stress.
This is my official update: I havent smoked since last week, haven't pulled any hair since Saturday night (literally nothing which is great), I've exercised every single day, even when I've been exhausted, and I'm sleeping a lot better. All in all, not a bad week although it has been a very, very hard week of adjustments.
So now that it's been a week, I'm going for 2 weeks. There are plenty of stressors in my life right now, the boy situation (which has improved with "awkward guy" but there is still the issue of dating 2 people- a decision must be made soon), figuring out whether I should cut business ties with my friend who I was going to start the firm with, money issues as always, blah blah blah. It never ends. I wish I was one of those people that could accept that life will never be fully "stress free" but I'm just not. So I'm trying to figure out how to manage my trich and everything else in the face of stress.
I was on the Trich yahoo support group and emailing with another girl when I thought about my issues with control and symmetry (and I still havent changed my "display name" to my actual name which is kind of sad). Just the other day, on Saturday, when I was having a bad pulling spell I realized that despite knowing I needed to stop, I had to keep pulling to make sure that both eyebrows were "even". It didnt matter that it meant more pulling and less hair one one side but everything had to be kind of the same. It was unacceptable in my mind to leave stray hairs out of place if they didnt look "symmetrical" and each eyebrow was in the right shape. I dont know if that makes sense but hopefully you understand what I mean.
Anyway, a lot of trich for me seems to be about control and release. I need to be able to control what I pull and as screwed up as it is, the hairs need to be pulled in a certain way. If I leave a hair 'out of place' I know that I wont be able to stop. The anxiety of thinking and obsessing over that hair will literally cause my entire body to tense up and I wont be able to think of anything else.
Well I guess this turned out to be a little bit of a random post (but arent they all kind of?) so thanks for reading and if you have any tips on how to stop or control the urges, please let me know, I need as many new ideas as possible. Thanks!
I'm not going to lie, I am tired and cranky this week. It's one of those days where I really probably shouldn't be allowed to be in the same room as other people. It's probably a combination of no-smoking, being tired, the crappy/rainy weather, and just general life stress.
This is my official update: I havent smoked since last week, haven't pulled any hair since Saturday night (literally nothing which is great), I've exercised every single day, even when I've been exhausted, and I'm sleeping a lot better. All in all, not a bad week although it has been a very, very hard week of adjustments.
So now that it's been a week, I'm going for 2 weeks. There are plenty of stressors in my life right now, the boy situation (which has improved with "awkward guy" but there is still the issue of dating 2 people- a decision must be made soon), figuring out whether I should cut business ties with my friend who I was going to start the firm with, money issues as always, blah blah blah. It never ends. I wish I was one of those people that could accept that life will never be fully "stress free" but I'm just not. So I'm trying to figure out how to manage my trich and everything else in the face of stress.
I was on the Trich yahoo support group and emailing with another girl when I thought about my issues with control and symmetry (and I still havent changed my "display name" to my actual name which is kind of sad). Just the other day, on Saturday, when I was having a bad pulling spell I realized that despite knowing I needed to stop, I had to keep pulling to make sure that both eyebrows were "even". It didnt matter that it meant more pulling and less hair one one side but everything had to be kind of the same. It was unacceptable in my mind to leave stray hairs out of place if they didnt look "symmetrical" and each eyebrow was in the right shape. I dont know if that makes sense but hopefully you understand what I mean.
Anyway, a lot of trich for me seems to be about control and release. I need to be able to control what I pull and as screwed up as it is, the hairs need to be pulled in a certain way. If I leave a hair 'out of place' I know that I wont be able to stop. The anxiety of thinking and obsessing over that hair will literally cause my entire body to tense up and I wont be able to think of anything else.
Well I guess this turned out to be a little bit of a random post (but arent they all kind of?) so thanks for reading and if you have any tips on how to stop or control the urges, please let me know, I need as many new ideas as possible. Thanks!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
A long 4 days
I'm four days into my first monthly challenge and I'm having fairly good results although it has not been easy.
I have not smoked anything since Wednesday night. If I'm being honest, which I try to be on here, I will admit that I do like to smoke pot but with that I always smoke cigarettes, obviously neither of which are good for me. So I gave up both (cigarettes are obviously harder even though I dont smoke that much) and have been good for 4 days. Last night was definitely the hardest. After a fairly bad date on Friday night (date itself went well, the "after-date hangout" was incredibly awkward) I decided to stay in last night and work on my new firms website which I've been putting off for a while. Normally I might smoke a little pot to relax and get to work but obviously that is no longer an option.
Instead, after 3 days of no pulling, my anxiety got the better of me a little bit and I pulled from my right eyebrow which is now about half the size it should be. Ugh. Thankfully I didnt pull from anywhere else but that still sucked.
I have been exercising and this morning completed day 2 of the P90X workout (i waited until yesterday to start although I did work out all week). I have to say, if you are looking for a ridiculous work out, I HIGHLY suggest the P90x. It is seriously insane, I cant remember the last time I sweat that much. That also helps me stay on the no-smoking kick.
So, the last 4 days have been fairly successful with the only exception really being my horrible pulling last night. But at least I didnt let it go too far and 3 days is still better than 1. Now I'm going to make it at least 5 days, I know i can do it.
I have not smoked anything since Wednesday night. If I'm being honest, which I try to be on here, I will admit that I do like to smoke pot but with that I always smoke cigarettes, obviously neither of which are good for me. So I gave up both (cigarettes are obviously harder even though I dont smoke that much) and have been good for 4 days. Last night was definitely the hardest. After a fairly bad date on Friday night (date itself went well, the "after-date hangout" was incredibly awkward) I decided to stay in last night and work on my new firms website which I've been putting off for a while. Normally I might smoke a little pot to relax and get to work but obviously that is no longer an option.
Instead, after 3 days of no pulling, my anxiety got the better of me a little bit and I pulled from my right eyebrow which is now about half the size it should be. Ugh. Thankfully I didnt pull from anywhere else but that still sucked.
I have been exercising and this morning completed day 2 of the P90X workout (i waited until yesterday to start although I did work out all week). I have to say, if you are looking for a ridiculous work out, I HIGHLY suggest the P90x. It is seriously insane, I cant remember the last time I sweat that much. That also helps me stay on the no-smoking kick.
So, the last 4 days have been fairly successful with the only exception really being my horrible pulling last night. But at least I didnt let it go too far and 3 days is still better than 1. Now I'm going to make it at least 5 days, I know i can do it.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Small changes, big difference? Goals for the next month.
Maybe I'm trying to be overly ambitious but I figured now was as good of a time as any to just try to make some small changes but when added together will hopefully make a big difference. In one month and one day I turn 30. I'm not too worried about it (although I wish people would stop asking me if i ever want to get married and/or have children- I don't know yet!!) but there are certainly things I would love to be doing better or differently.
Anyway, between the troubles I've had with trich this month and the reading I've been doing lately (including the Happiness Project- http://www.happiness-project.com/) I've decided there are several things I'd like to tackle and maybe trying to achieve several goals each month will help my make some progress as I will be influenced by the positive results. Then, the following month, I will add more goals and hope to just build on the progress I've already made.
Month 1 for me will have several pretty important goals.
1. Get more sleep --> this isn't as simple as it sounds. The information I've read lately has indicated not just that you aim for a solid 7 hours of straight sleep but talks about eliminating all light from your bedroom. I've noticed that when I shut off the TV, cover up all the cable box lights and alarm clock light, I really get a much better nights sleep.
2. Quit smoking--> Ahh, the time has come. Obviously I dont need to go into the reasons I should quit but this is the first time I've really WANTED to quit so badly (and the reasons are endless). So, last night I smoked my last cigarette and now it's up to me to remember all the reasons I want and need to quit. Right now I'm setting the goal at 1 week- I just want to make it one week (kind of like trich).
3. Exercise more--> since I'm not smoking and hopefully gaining energy by sleeping better, I have picked up a new workout routine. I find that when I exercise more often I am less likely to pull. Today my friend gave me his copy of P90X and this weekend I will be starting the program. Everyone I know that has even made it halfway through the DVD's swears by the program. http://www.p90xdvdshop.us/main.html . I'm hoping that seeing fairly quick results, and needing the non-smokers lung to keep it up, will help me stay motivated.
4. Stick to my nighttime facial regiment--> This also will tie into my fifth goal but a while ago I posted about how thoroughly washing my face in kind of a long, drawn out routine, was helping my trich since I didnt want to touch my face as much when my skin was clean. My skin was also looking fantastic. But, as usual, I kind of got lazy and stopped doing it as much. Enough laziness. Let's face it, I'm not getting younger and a strict routine can have nothing but positive results.
5. Stop pulling for one month--> I've done it before, I can do it again. This is my fifth and final goal for the month. I realize these are all fairly sizable goals but I'm really hoping that they have the effect of helping each other out. I often tend to pull when I'm smoking or not exercising so it is kind of related.
I thought having the initial months end goal as my 30th bday would also be a bit of a motivator since all these changes would have a big impact on my overall health, appearance and general happiness. It's certainly worth a shot.....
Anyway, between the troubles I've had with trich this month and the reading I've been doing lately (including the Happiness Project- http://www.happiness-project.com/) I've decided there are several things I'd like to tackle and maybe trying to achieve several goals each month will help my make some progress as I will be influenced by the positive results. Then, the following month, I will add more goals and hope to just build on the progress I've already made.
Month 1 for me will have several pretty important goals.
1. Get more sleep --> this isn't as simple as it sounds. The information I've read lately has indicated not just that you aim for a solid 7 hours of straight sleep but talks about eliminating all light from your bedroom. I've noticed that when I shut off the TV, cover up all the cable box lights and alarm clock light, I really get a much better nights sleep.
2. Quit smoking--> Ahh, the time has come. Obviously I dont need to go into the reasons I should quit but this is the first time I've really WANTED to quit so badly (and the reasons are endless). So, last night I smoked my last cigarette and now it's up to me to remember all the reasons I want and need to quit. Right now I'm setting the goal at 1 week- I just want to make it one week (kind of like trich).
3. Exercise more--> since I'm not smoking and hopefully gaining energy by sleeping better, I have picked up a new workout routine. I find that when I exercise more often I am less likely to pull. Today my friend gave me his copy of P90X and this weekend I will be starting the program. Everyone I know that has even made it halfway through the DVD's swears by the program. http://www.p90xdvdshop.us/main.html . I'm hoping that seeing fairly quick results, and needing the non-smokers lung to keep it up, will help me stay motivated.
4. Stick to my nighttime facial regiment--> This also will tie into my fifth goal but a while ago I posted about how thoroughly washing my face in kind of a long, drawn out routine, was helping my trich since I didnt want to touch my face as much when my skin was clean. My skin was also looking fantastic. But, as usual, I kind of got lazy and stopped doing it as much. Enough laziness. Let's face it, I'm not getting younger and a strict routine can have nothing but positive results.
5. Stop pulling for one month--> I've done it before, I can do it again. This is my fifth and final goal for the month. I realize these are all fairly sizable goals but I'm really hoping that they have the effect of helping each other out. I often tend to pull when I'm smoking or not exercising so it is kind of related.
I thought having the initial months end goal as my 30th bday would also be a bit of a motivator since all these changes would have a big impact on my overall health, appearance and general happiness. It's certainly worth a shot.....
Monday, August 16, 2010
Here we go again..... and again.... and again
This may be the 5000th time I've said "ok, here we go again" but I guess that may be the only way to fight this disease. Each time we fall we have to have the strength to keep getting back up and not just give up. It's hard and frustrating and exhausting but I would imagine any "addiction" type situation would be. So, here I go again.
I've been doing a little better the last week which isnt to say that I've been perfect. I could certainly do better. My left eyelashes now look a LOT better than my right (funny how it goes from one to the other) and they are almost entirely back, or at least back enough that with a little mascara no one would notice. My eyebrows are still too thin and my right eyelashes are spotty at best, although I've still yet to touch the bottom lashes.
Sometimes the external motivator really helps and at the moment I've been casually seeing two guys, both of whom I really like. Now that I've had the experience, just a few months ago, of having almost all my lashes back to the point where I didnt think about it, I want THAT feeling back. The energy it takes to "conceal" trich is exhausting and I'm sure I have a hundred places where that energy would be better spent. So, today is day 1 again. I havent pulled in 24 hours. Here's hoping for another 24.
I've been doing a little better the last week which isnt to say that I've been perfect. I could certainly do better. My left eyelashes now look a LOT better than my right (funny how it goes from one to the other) and they are almost entirely back, or at least back enough that with a little mascara no one would notice. My eyebrows are still too thin and my right eyelashes are spotty at best, although I've still yet to touch the bottom lashes.
Sometimes the external motivator really helps and at the moment I've been casually seeing two guys, both of whom I really like. Now that I've had the experience, just a few months ago, of having almost all my lashes back to the point where I didnt think about it, I want THAT feeling back. The energy it takes to "conceal" trich is exhausting and I'm sure I have a hundred places where that energy would be better spent. So, today is day 1 again. I havent pulled in 24 hours. Here's hoping for another 24.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Random post, fantastic video
I try to limit the amount of non-trich related info I post on here but I couldnt resist this video (see below). If you havent already seen it, it's well worth the 10 minutes it takes to watch- a touching reminder of keeping everything in perspective and that we should never forget to be thankful to our soldiers and their families for all the sacrifices they make.
Monday, August 2, 2010
My second post today, and the brutal honest truth
When I first started this blog I said that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I would have the nerve to actually post photos. Well, clearly that has not happened but I'm really struggling again and today, while taking photos of my finger, I figured I should take a chance, a big chance. I know that the odds are I dont know anyone that may be reading this blog or who may one day read this. And if they do, it's likely they share the same "secret" about trich that I do and would never say anything. Realistically, no one will have a clue who I am from these photos which dont even show my whole face but it's still terrifying.
So, here are the photos, the honest truth of how I've been struggling with trich lately after I had finally grown back my eyebrows and eyelashes. Clearly you can see I still have make up on from this morning but I knew that if I went into the bathroom and removed the make up, by the time I came back I would have lost my nerve.
Believe it or not, this small insight into who I am is a HUGE step for me but I know its time to be a little more accountable and this blog has been very helpful to my own personal battle and it's time I took full advantage of it. I'm hoping that my showing these photos (which also make visible the forehead wrinkles I spoke of a while back- thank you trich for premature wrinkles) I will never be able to make excuses, like "no one will ever notice if I just pull this one". I hope you notice, I hope I show you, I hope I stop making excuses.
Permanent Reminder
Does anyone else have an indentation on their index finger which will likely always remain? I tried taking a few photos but it didnt come out too clearly (dont mind the wrinkled shirt I used for contrast- haha). From the years and years of picking, which I do primarily with my left hand (although I'm right handed) I have an indentation caused by my thumb nail. When I put the two fingers together to pull the culprit hair, I press into my index finger, and over time its gotten worse and worse.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling especially tweezer happy, I will try to remove the indentation. Trich has caused me to have a freakishly high tolerance to pain. i can literally stick a pin or the tweezers into my finger and just pull back the skin. I know, it's a little disturbing but I'm trying to be more honest than I've been. For a few days afterward it is obviously much more difficult (and painful) to pull with my dominant pulling hand but the tweezer has always been a good back up and, let's be honest, it's never really stopped me from pulling.
In an effort to curb some of my eyebrow and eyelash pulling I've tried to focus more on other areas where the missing hair wont be so noticeable to the casual onlooker (again, this is incredibly and painfully embarrassing to admit but I'm trying to be more honest). As a girl, we can blame certain missing hair on waxing or shaving and guys really don't seem to mind. Lets just say I have gone to town lately and the indentation on my finger is more pronounced then I can remember. Even the woman at the nail salon commented on it whereas usually they just look puzzled as to what would cause such a mark. Even if I finally manage to beat this stupid disease, I would imagine that this will be my permanent reminder of the years I spent pulling away my self esteem.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Recognizing triggers, but what to do about them?
I'm trying to get back on track which partly involves trying to figure out why I'm suddenly having such a hard time with trich again. Stress is definitely a factor. A few months ago I decided to start the process of leaving my job to go out on my own- that is a HUGE source of stress right now. I know it's the right decision and I'm trying to get everything lined up so that I generate an income as soon as possible, but it still scares the hell out of me. Giving up a paycheck in this economy? Very scary. Although I still have my job and am income, money is tight and I'm worried. Ultimately I'm hoping this decision will, in the long term, lead to a much larger income but in the interim, who knows. Sometimes I wake up at night and just worry. I'm sure that doesnt help. I have decided to pair up with a college friend so I know she is feeling the same way and I'm excited about the possibility, I just wish the stress didnt manifest itself in the form of pulling.
Also something that has bothered me lately is a new "relationship" i'm in. I have always had commitment issues and now is no exception. The new guy and I met in court (he was not a defendant fortunately) and things are going really well. He treats me so great and there are no games, so why do I freak out? This is going to make me sound like a jerk but part of my worry is his lack of job motivation- he comes from a VERY difficult background and has a great, steady job. But his job doesn't require any intellectual stimulation and he seems content to just stay where he is. It's not that I wish he had gone to college, I really respect how hard he has worked to get where he is, but I worry what we will have to talk about over the long haul. He doesn't like politics or current events (which I do) and he doesnt seem to have the motivation to succeed or advance his career like I do. Is this stupid? Am I being ridiculous? Shouldn't it be enough that we have fun together and he treats me well? Ugh. Maybe for type A people like myself we need someone that is more relaxed. I just hate the idea of hurting him when I know he really likes me and has been screwed over by life so much in the past. It's only been about 2 months so why am I even worried about this now?
Then last night I was introduced to my friend's (soon to be business partner) friend, a guy who on the surface is totally my type. He asked for my number at the end of the night, which I gave him, but then the guilt comes back. I never told the old guy we were "exclusive" but I'm pretty sure he thinks we are (despite saying lets just "see where this goes"). I shouldn't even worry since the guy from last night hasn't even asked me out but I do.
Is unnecessary stress a common thread for people with trich? Do we all worry about things we can't control and let it impact our battles with trich? I'm sorry that this post has been a bit rambling but obviously my personal life has a big impact on my trich so I guess I just need to get it out sometimes.
Also something that has bothered me lately is a new "relationship" i'm in. I have always had commitment issues and now is no exception. The new guy and I met in court (he was not a defendant fortunately) and things are going really well. He treats me so great and there are no games, so why do I freak out? This is going to make me sound like a jerk but part of my worry is his lack of job motivation- he comes from a VERY difficult background and has a great, steady job. But his job doesn't require any intellectual stimulation and he seems content to just stay where he is. It's not that I wish he had gone to college, I really respect how hard he has worked to get where he is, but I worry what we will have to talk about over the long haul. He doesn't like politics or current events (which I do) and he doesnt seem to have the motivation to succeed or advance his career like I do. Is this stupid? Am I being ridiculous? Shouldn't it be enough that we have fun together and he treats me well? Ugh. Maybe for type A people like myself we need someone that is more relaxed. I just hate the idea of hurting him when I know he really likes me and has been screwed over by life so much in the past. It's only been about 2 months so why am I even worried about this now?
Then last night I was introduced to my friend's (soon to be business partner) friend, a guy who on the surface is totally my type. He asked for my number at the end of the night, which I gave him, but then the guilt comes back. I never told the old guy we were "exclusive" but I'm pretty sure he thinks we are (despite saying lets just "see where this goes"). I shouldn't even worry since the guy from last night hasn't even asked me out but I do.
Is unnecessary stress a common thread for people with trich? Do we all worry about things we can't control and let it impact our battles with trich? I'm sorry that this post has been a bit rambling but obviously my personal life has a big impact on my trich so I guess I just need to get it out sometimes.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Clueless
I know it's been a while once again since I've posted on here and in part that is because I'm not really sure what to say.
It's been a tough month (or two) and honestly I am not doing great with trich these days. I think that is one of the most frustrating parts of this disease- just when you think you have finally figured it out and gotten a handle on it, it kicks your ass.
My eyebrows and eyelashes have once again gotten thinner and I'm back to being pretty self conscious about it, the difference now is that most of my friends already know so I'm not feeling quite as embarrassed and ashamed, nor am I investing as much time in covering it up.That said, I'm hating that it is summer and when I should be enjoying all the hard work of the last few months and swimming and being in the sun with no worries about my missing hair, I'm once against focused on it and inevitably my self esteem is taking a bit of a hit. It's such a vicious cycle.
Maybe it's because I'm not spending so much time on trich these days that I'm having such a tough time? Admittedly, I'm not posting or reviewing other sites like I used to. Now that most of my friends and family know (and not surprisingly few of them ever ask me about it- probably because they know its a sensitive issue) it's just not at the forefront of my mind like it was a few months ago. I don't know what to do, I know I have to keep fighting it, sometimes it's just so hard and frustrating.
It's been a tough month (or two) and honestly I am not doing great with trich these days. I think that is one of the most frustrating parts of this disease- just when you think you have finally figured it out and gotten a handle on it, it kicks your ass.
My eyebrows and eyelashes have once again gotten thinner and I'm back to being pretty self conscious about it, the difference now is that most of my friends already know so I'm not feeling quite as embarrassed and ashamed, nor am I investing as much time in covering it up.That said, I'm hating that it is summer and when I should be enjoying all the hard work of the last few months and swimming and being in the sun with no worries about my missing hair, I'm once against focused on it and inevitably my self esteem is taking a bit of a hit. It's such a vicious cycle.
Maybe it's because I'm not spending so much time on trich these days that I'm having such a tough time? Admittedly, I'm not posting or reviewing other sites like I used to. Now that most of my friends and family know (and not surprisingly few of them ever ask me about it- probably because they know its a sensitive issue) it's just not at the forefront of my mind like it was a few months ago. I don't know what to do, I know I have to keep fighting it, sometimes it's just so hard and frustrating.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Back on track, finally
As expected the last few days off have been incredibly helpful in getting me back on track with fighting my trich and I've been pull free for several days. Time at the beach has also been a great reminder as to why I cant stand not having eyebrows and eyelashes- the effort it takes to constantly make sure "everything" is perfectly covered up is exhausting.
Even though the bald spots are very small I'm still overly self conscious about it and have to make sure to carry my eyeliner and mascara everywhere. When I went swimming yesterday my first thought upon getting out of the water was how fast i could get to the bathroom and secretly check to make sure my make up was in tact. I hated every second that my focus went to trich. I missed the feeling of not having to worry about it now that I know how that feels. I miss the few months where I didnt have to worry about my eye make up smudging or my eyebrows being too short and incredibly thin. I want that back.
I'm also frustrated with how long it is taking everything to grow back. The worst is my left eyebrow which is too short after my last few weeks of pulling and filling it in with eyeliner and shadow is no longer cutting it, especially in the bright sun (and the fact it has been over a hundred degrees the last few days, causing me to sweat like crazy and then worry about the sweat impacting my make up also sucks). I just want my hair back and although I know I'm paying the price for my slips and its been a good reminder as to why I need to be more vigilant in my battle, its still frustrating.
At least my determination is back and I'm finally, finally refocused and ready to beat this stupid, awful disease.
Even though the bald spots are very small I'm still overly self conscious about it and have to make sure to carry my eyeliner and mascara everywhere. When I went swimming yesterday my first thought upon getting out of the water was how fast i could get to the bathroom and secretly check to make sure my make up was in tact. I hated every second that my focus went to trich. I missed the feeling of not having to worry about it now that I know how that feels. I miss the few months where I didnt have to worry about my eye make up smudging or my eyebrows being too short and incredibly thin. I want that back.
I'm also frustrated with how long it is taking everything to grow back. The worst is my left eyebrow which is too short after my last few weeks of pulling and filling it in with eyeliner and shadow is no longer cutting it, especially in the bright sun (and the fact it has been over a hundred degrees the last few days, causing me to sweat like crazy and then worry about the sweat impacting my make up also sucks). I just want my hair back and although I know I'm paying the price for my slips and its been a good reminder as to why I need to be more vigilant in my battle, its still frustrating.
At least my determination is back and I'm finally, finally refocused and ready to beat this stupid, awful disease.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Blah
I'm not sure what I have to report at this point- there have been good days and bad days. I'm not kicking trich's ass and it's not kicking mine. We are just dueling it out and sometimes I'm not sure who will win.
I still dont know why the last few weeks have been kind of sucky, I've been trying to pay attention to what is going on, what I'm eating, just general routine but I cant come up with much helpful information.
Starting this Friday I have about 10 days off- 10 days that I plan to relax, work on business stuff so I can really leave my job as planned, hang out with friends, hit the beach, just hang out. I cant recall the last time I stayed in town on a vacation and just caught up but I'm really looking forward to spending time with friends I dont get to see all that often. For a better part of the time off I'm going to try and stay at my parents, which is 8 more consecutive days then i've stayed there in about 4 years so we'll see how that goes. I love my parents but they can drive anyone crazy after 8 days (and i'm sure I'd drive them nuts too). I'm hoping that this time will also help with my trich- I tend not to pull as much when I'm not in my apartment and my mother does get on my case when I'm not doing well with it so hopefully that will be added motivation. Or perhaps that will cause me to only last 4 days and then head back to the city. We'll see.
I still dont know why the last few weeks have been kind of sucky, I've been trying to pay attention to what is going on, what I'm eating, just general routine but I cant come up with much helpful information.
Starting this Friday I have about 10 days off- 10 days that I plan to relax, work on business stuff so I can really leave my job as planned, hang out with friends, hit the beach, just hang out. I cant recall the last time I stayed in town on a vacation and just caught up but I'm really looking forward to spending time with friends I dont get to see all that often. For a better part of the time off I'm going to try and stay at my parents, which is 8 more consecutive days then i've stayed there in about 4 years so we'll see how that goes. I love my parents but they can drive anyone crazy after 8 days (and i'm sure I'd drive them nuts too). I'm hoping that this time will also help with my trich- I tend not to pull as much when I'm not in my apartment and my mother does get on my case when I'm not doing well with it so hopefully that will be added motivation. Or perhaps that will cause me to only last 4 days and then head back to the city. We'll see.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Weekly report
Things are definitely starting to improve but this morning I was confronted with the ugly reality that I still havent broken up with my tweezers. I have plenty of excuses why but that is all they are, excuses. I'm so self conscious of all the other little hairs that no one else would notice and yet that is the biggest excuse I keep telling myself- "I'm just waiting to get them out one more time and then I'll throw away the tweezers". Ha, we'll see.
Now is the perfect time to have all my eyelashes and eyebrows, it's summer (obviously) and there are more of my "reasons to stop" then ever- sun, bright lights, swimming, you name it. Oh, and there is the new guy. My eyes and eyebrows arent horrible but they arent fabulous either. With working out and doing pilates fairly regularly now to keep my anxiety low, I'm starting to feel a lot better and I want to look how I feel. The next step for me is also giving up my couple cigarettes a day a habit in which I disgust myself. July 1 is the date for quitting that horrible habit.
Sadly I think one of the biggest driving factors behind quitting smoking and getting my trich back under control is the effect this will all one day have on my aging process. I've already noticed the wrinkles that have been forming on my forehead b/c I constantly scrunch my forehead when I'm feeling my eyelashes and eyebrows. It's such a vicious cycle. I dont want to be one of those people who is 50 and looks 85. No thank you. So maybe being a little vain in this situation is a good thing. I'm getting ready for the big 30th bday which I'm actually very excited about and continuing to work on setting new goals and evaluating where I can improve in my life, with one of my top priorities being to continue my struggle to beat trich.
Anyway, this was a little bit of a random post but I guess it helps just to get all my thoughts down and the last few weeks have been so busy that I havent had the most organized thought process anyway. I hope anyone reading this is doing well with their own struggles with trich, stay strong, it's a new day (and a really, really hot day!)
Now is the perfect time to have all my eyelashes and eyebrows, it's summer (obviously) and there are more of my "reasons to stop" then ever- sun, bright lights, swimming, you name it. Oh, and there is the new guy. My eyes and eyebrows arent horrible but they arent fabulous either. With working out and doing pilates fairly regularly now to keep my anxiety low, I'm starting to feel a lot better and I want to look how I feel. The next step for me is also giving up my couple cigarettes a day a habit in which I disgust myself. July 1 is the date for quitting that horrible habit.
Sadly I think one of the biggest driving factors behind quitting smoking and getting my trich back under control is the effect this will all one day have on my aging process. I've already noticed the wrinkles that have been forming on my forehead b/c I constantly scrunch my forehead when I'm feeling my eyelashes and eyebrows. It's such a vicious cycle. I dont want to be one of those people who is 50 and looks 85. No thank you. So maybe being a little vain in this situation is a good thing. I'm getting ready for the big 30th bday which I'm actually very excited about and continuing to work on setting new goals and evaluating where I can improve in my life, with one of my top priorities being to continue my struggle to beat trich.
Anyway, this was a little bit of a random post but I guess it helps just to get all my thoughts down and the last few weeks have been so busy that I havent had the most organized thought process anyway. I hope anyone reading this is doing well with their own struggles with trich, stay strong, it's a new day (and a really, really hot day!)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Dear tweezers, I think we need to break up
Dear tweezers:
For a long time now I have depended on you. You have been there when I've been anxious and you have helped me indulge in my hair addiction for as long as I can remember. When you are not around I begin to panic. I rely on you. You help me get out those tiny little hairs, no matter where they are, that I cant get out on my own. You are almost like an extension of my hand at this point- like Edward Scissorhands or something but in tweezer form.
As much as you have been there for me over the years I think we need to break up. This has become an extremely unhealthy relationship. You make it too easy for me to continue my obsession with miscellaneous hairs. After we spend time together I usually feel terrible and yet I keep coming back again and again. I know I need to stop seeing you and yet it causes me anxiety to think of all the places that little hairs will appear that I will not be able to control- like the ones on my chest and near my belly button- I despise having those hairs and you have helped me with them time and time again.
If I am ever going to win my battle with trich and lead a healthy and happy life then I need to let you go. It's not you, it's me. I dont know how to keep you around without it ultimately hurting me. So today I'm going to summon the strength to say goodbye. I already feel the panic rising in me but I know it's for the best. Like every relationship that ends, I know it is going to be hard for a long time but I'm hoping that a better, positive relationship will come along. We've had a good run but it's just time to let go.
Your now-ex,
Kim
For a long time now I have depended on you. You have been there when I've been anxious and you have helped me indulge in my hair addiction for as long as I can remember. When you are not around I begin to panic. I rely on you. You help me get out those tiny little hairs, no matter where they are, that I cant get out on my own. You are almost like an extension of my hand at this point- like Edward Scissorhands or something but in tweezer form.
As much as you have been there for me over the years I think we need to break up. This has become an extremely unhealthy relationship. You make it too easy for me to continue my obsession with miscellaneous hairs. After we spend time together I usually feel terrible and yet I keep coming back again and again. I know I need to stop seeing you and yet it causes me anxiety to think of all the places that little hairs will appear that I will not be able to control- like the ones on my chest and near my belly button- I despise having those hairs and you have helped me with them time and time again.
If I am ever going to win my battle with trich and lead a healthy and happy life then I need to let you go. It's not you, it's me. I dont know how to keep you around without it ultimately hurting me. So today I'm going to summon the strength to say goodbye. I already feel the panic rising in me but I know it's for the best. Like every relationship that ends, I know it is going to be hard for a long time but I'm hoping that a better, positive relationship will come along. We've had a good run but it's just time to let go.
Your now-ex,
Kim
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Moving on
Last week was not a good week for me. While I posted about picking up and moving on with my slips, it just didnt quite work out that way. I just couldnt get myself to stop pulling. I would be sitting down, have an urge, remove my hand from up by my eyes and breath, telling myself all the reasons that I didnt want to pull. I would think that the urge had passed and literally as soon as I stopped the mental chats with myself, I would go right back to pulling, barely missing a beat.
I wish there was some big stresser, some event I could point to and say "that was the source of my pulling" but I cant. It was an average, ordinary week. I've been casually seeing this really nice guy who works in the courthouse, family and work life is the same, I had a great weekend and week seeing friends- I just cant explain it.
The damage has been done. About half of my left eyebrow is gone and now has to be penciled in again which I hate more than I've ever hated it. The eyelashes on my left eyelid are fairly thin with tiny spots where I'm missing eyelashes altogether. The right eyebrow and eyelashes fared a bit better but they have also been thinned out. I was so angry with myself but now I'm over it. Its the consequence for my slip and I have to deal with it.
This week has already been better but I've stepped up my efforts big time. For the last few days I have been working out in the morning for a solid 30 minutes and then doing pilates or yoga when I get home. I'm cutting out most of the junk food (still cant get rid of my need for some cookies or chocolate each day). I'm also reading a book called the Happiness Project which has kind of been inspiring me to get my life back on track and figure out what I really want. Sometimes I think I really need to stop and be introspective, figure out a new direction or hobby to fulfill. While I wouldnt say I'm unhappy at this stage of my life, I definitely benefit from trying to improve my life now and figure out how to be a calmer, more balanced, happier person in the future and I'm hoping that spills over into my battle with trich.
For now it's back to court where I'm finishing up a bench trial (hopefully) and immediately beginning a new trial for my client that I truly believe is innocent and being wrongfully accused. Wish me luck! (and good luck to anyone reading that I'm sure can relate to the ups and downs of trich!)
I wish there was some big stresser, some event I could point to and say "that was the source of my pulling" but I cant. It was an average, ordinary week. I've been casually seeing this really nice guy who works in the courthouse, family and work life is the same, I had a great weekend and week seeing friends- I just cant explain it.
The damage has been done. About half of my left eyebrow is gone and now has to be penciled in again which I hate more than I've ever hated it. The eyelashes on my left eyelid are fairly thin with tiny spots where I'm missing eyelashes altogether. The right eyebrow and eyelashes fared a bit better but they have also been thinned out. I was so angry with myself but now I'm over it. Its the consequence for my slip and I have to deal with it.
This week has already been better but I've stepped up my efforts big time. For the last few days I have been working out in the morning for a solid 30 minutes and then doing pilates or yoga when I get home. I'm cutting out most of the junk food (still cant get rid of my need for some cookies or chocolate each day). I'm also reading a book called the Happiness Project which has kind of been inspiring me to get my life back on track and figure out what I really want. Sometimes I think I really need to stop and be introspective, figure out a new direction or hobby to fulfill. While I wouldnt say I'm unhappy at this stage of my life, I definitely benefit from trying to improve my life now and figure out how to be a calmer, more balanced, happier person in the future and I'm hoping that spills over into my battle with trich.
For now it's back to court where I'm finishing up a bench trial (hopefully) and immediately beginning a new trial for my client that I truly believe is innocent and being wrongfully accused. Wish me luck! (and good luck to anyone reading that I'm sure can relate to the ups and downs of trich!)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Day by day
I went home from work last night with the best of intentions. All was going well until I finally sat down to watch TV and within 10 minutes I had pulled one. "It's just one, I wont even be able to tell." The rationalization is almost disturbing, trich is literally an addiction and I have to stop.
Sometimes i will find an eyelash to focus on (not even when looking in the mirror) and I will just rub it back and forth between my fingers, convincing myself that if it falls out "on its own" then it doesnt really count. Ha.
Well today I forced myself to get up early (which I'd also been slacking off on) and work out, I"m back to limiting sweet foods and caffeine and I'm just going to keep on trying.
About two weeks ago I had contacted someone from a NYC support group- apparently they meet once a week and it's not that far from my apartment. I got the information but for some reason I just cant bring myself to go.... maybe thats the final step I need to make to confront this disease? Maybe facing people in person will make this easier? Just not sure I'm ready, even after all this time.......
Sometimes i will find an eyelash to focus on (not even when looking in the mirror) and I will just rub it back and forth between my fingers, convincing myself that if it falls out "on its own" then it doesnt really count. Ha.
Well today I forced myself to get up early (which I'd also been slacking off on) and work out, I"m back to limiting sweet foods and caffeine and I'm just going to keep on trying.
About two weeks ago I had contacted someone from a NYC support group- apparently they meet once a week and it's not that far from my apartment. I got the information but for some reason I just cant bring myself to go.... maybe thats the final step I need to make to confront this disease? Maybe facing people in person will make this easier? Just not sure I'm ready, even after all this time.......
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
One more post today- New Developments
For the last few months I have been following another blogger who shared this information recently on possible developments in trich research- for anyone who may not also follow her blog, I wanted to share with you: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=10947928
Her blog, which I have found very helpful reading (and relating to) in my own 'quest' to beat trich, can be found at: http://trappedbytrich.blogspot.com/
Her blog, which I have found very helpful reading (and relating to) in my own 'quest' to beat trich, can be found at: http://trappedbytrich.blogspot.com/
And I'm back
I'm sorry for the hiatus- I'm not sure what has been going on with me but I've been in a little bit of a rut the last few weeks and trich is taking full advantage of me. While my eyelashes and eyebrows are more or less in tact (although the right eyebrow is looking way to thin), I have slipped probably more times than I remember and I know I need to get back on the ball before it gets any worse.
I could probably make a hundred excuses for why I'm not doing well but the truth is nothing is too out of the ordinary so I dont really know. My job is certainly sucking the life out of me but yet I have also been slacking off in moving forward with my business plan. Social life is going well and I'm loving the spring/summer weather but I just have to get motivated again.
Today is a new day. Time to refocus and begin moving forward again- it's so easy to get stuck in a rut, come up with excuses and rationalize behavior, but at the end of the day I'm only hurting myself. It's time to rally again.
I could probably make a hundred excuses for why I'm not doing well but the truth is nothing is too out of the ordinary so I dont really know. My job is certainly sucking the life out of me but yet I have also been slacking off in moving forward with my business plan. Social life is going well and I'm loving the spring/summer weather but I just have to get motivated again.
Today is a new day. Time to refocus and begin moving forward again- it's so easy to get stuck in a rut, come up with excuses and rationalize behavior, but at the end of the day I'm only hurting myself. It's time to rally again.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
A better week
My weekend slip forced me to do some serious reflecting on my progress and I think I've gotten myself back in gear and am now moving forward. I have not given into the urges and pulled (from anywhere) since the weekend. I attribute part of my success to getting back into the routine I set up about 6 weeks back- I've been waking up early (6am- just cant do much earlier)and working out, drinking less coffee (not a LOT less, but less), eating a bit healthier (less processed sugars), etc.
I have to admit that there is something about waking up early that really seems to help. It sets the tone for the whole day by giving me a chance to start my day off more relaxed and then, by the time I get home, I'm exhausted and spend less time in "compromising" situations where I'm more inclined to pull.
Another thing that really helps is the face washing routine. I recently decided to add to my regular routine and splurged on this expensive exfoliating treatment by Kate Somerville called "Exfolikate" that is significantly more than I would ever normally spend on beauty products (I promise that I have ZERO affiliation with this product so this isn't a bad plug or anything- http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P232915&categoryId=C20650). You put it on your face twice a week for about 30 seconds and it literally tingles and stings all at the same time and then leaves your skin SOO soft. My skin/pores have cleared up dramatically and after I use it, especially since its so expensive, I never want to touch my face b/c I don't want to waste the product!
The last thing I've added to the mix was a Rubix cube- yup, you read it right. I was at a friends a few weeks ago and we were splitting a bottle of wine (ok, a couple bottles) when I noticed he had a Rubix cube on his coffee table. I picked it up and was distracted for the next two hours, trying to beat that damn toy. When I was in Barnes and Noble last week I noticed they had one for $10 so I decided that if it helped me keep my hands busy, it was worth the $10. It's been pretty helpful although I will admit that I get so frustrated by the damn thing that my focus isn't quite what it was when I a bit liquored up.
Anyway, that is the update on the last few days. Hopefully I can keep up the progress!
I have to admit that there is something about waking up early that really seems to help. It sets the tone for the whole day by giving me a chance to start my day off more relaxed and then, by the time I get home, I'm exhausted and spend less time in "compromising" situations where I'm more inclined to pull.
Another thing that really helps is the face washing routine. I recently decided to add to my regular routine and splurged on this expensive exfoliating treatment by Kate Somerville called "Exfolikate" that is significantly more than I would ever normally spend on beauty products (I promise that I have ZERO affiliation with this product so this isn't a bad plug or anything- http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P232915&categoryId=C20650). You put it on your face twice a week for about 30 seconds and it literally tingles and stings all at the same time and then leaves your skin SOO soft. My skin/pores have cleared up dramatically and after I use it, especially since its so expensive, I never want to touch my face b/c I don't want to waste the product!
The last thing I've added to the mix was a Rubix cube- yup, you read it right. I was at a friends a few weeks ago and we were splitting a bottle of wine (ok, a couple bottles) when I noticed he had a Rubix cube on his coffee table. I picked it up and was distracted for the next two hours, trying to beat that damn toy. When I was in Barnes and Noble last week I noticed they had one for $10 so I decided that if it helped me keep my hands busy, it was worth the $10. It's been pretty helpful although I will admit that I get so frustrated by the damn thing that my focus isn't quite what it was when I a bit liquored up.
Anyway, that is the update on the last few days. Hopefully I can keep up the progress!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Lost Love
Yesterday I "rediscovered" my love of eyebrow hair. Those hairs that feel longer and curvier than the rest, particularly the ones closest to my ears ( not that my eyebrows extend to my ears but you get the idea) that just have a certain feel to them that others do not. They come in quicker than other hairs seem to and end up growing longer. The feel of pulling them is not like the other hairs- it's easy yet satisfying. Unfortunately damage can be done so quickly b/c they are so easy to grab a hold of and pull out.
I spent the weekend mostly outside enjoying the weather with friends and there was nothing particularly stressful going on. Yet yesterday morning, as I sat in bed finishing my coffee, checking email and watching Meet the Press, I reconnected with these tempting hairs. Once I pulled one, and at the time it felt as though there were plenty, I just pulled and pulled, knowing full well what I was doing but not caring about the consequences.
Then I looked in the mirror and half of my left eyebrow, just the left, was gone. I should have known this was coming as my weekly "trimming" has gone a little overboard (although I didnt really notice or address this until yesterday). Everything else, fortunately, remained in tact. I'm not going to lie- it felt so good pulling those hairs. For the few minutes it took me to do damage that will take weeks to repair, it was so comforting. Yet, as you know, once you are done or finally stop yourself, the guilt and shame and anxiety kick in. Back to trying to draw in my eyebrows, to making sure it's covered up and as unlikely to be noticed as possible. It sucks. And the sucky part will last a few weeks while the good part only lasted a few minutes. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can't we remember that the good part only lasts a few minutes? (and for those of you that watch The Office, this would be a perfect question calling for the "thats what she said" response- sorry, couldnt resist).
So now its time to pick back up and move on. Maybe this will be the reminder, the kick in the ass, that I needed. Still, this just sucks.
I spent the weekend mostly outside enjoying the weather with friends and there was nothing particularly stressful going on. Yet yesterday morning, as I sat in bed finishing my coffee, checking email and watching Meet the Press, I reconnected with these tempting hairs. Once I pulled one, and at the time it felt as though there were plenty, I just pulled and pulled, knowing full well what I was doing but not caring about the consequences.
Then I looked in the mirror and half of my left eyebrow, just the left, was gone. I should have known this was coming as my weekly "trimming" has gone a little overboard (although I didnt really notice or address this until yesterday). Everything else, fortunately, remained in tact. I'm not going to lie- it felt so good pulling those hairs. For the few minutes it took me to do damage that will take weeks to repair, it was so comforting. Yet, as you know, once you are done or finally stop yourself, the guilt and shame and anxiety kick in. Back to trying to draw in my eyebrows, to making sure it's covered up and as unlikely to be noticed as possible. It sucks. And the sucky part will last a few weeks while the good part only lasted a few minutes. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can't we remember that the good part only lasts a few minutes? (and for those of you that watch The Office, this would be a perfect question calling for the "thats what she said" response- sorry, couldnt resist).
So now its time to pick back up and move on. Maybe this will be the reminder, the kick in the ass, that I needed. Still, this just sucks.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Hypocrisy
Two weeks ago, when I was in Chicago, my family had rented a van to cart everyone back and forth to the hotel. When I was getting into the van (i think it was the morning of day 2) I noticed fingernail clippings all over the floor by one of the seats. At the time, I wasnt sure if it was someones or if the van was never cleaned from the last people so I asked those in the car (i get really grossed out by stuff like this)- my sister, aunt, cousin, parents- whether anyone had been biting their nails or noticed the clippings. No one said anything.
About an hour later my sister approached me and she was pissed. She said it was wrong for me to ask in front of everyone since I knew she bit her nails (i honestly didn't know it was her) and that she would never have done that to me with my trich. I was really caught off guard because I really hadn't even given it any thought- in my mind, fingernail biting is so common and nothing to be embarrassed about (although I would LOVE if people on the subway stopped clipping their nails in crowded cars- I find that so disgusting). She was right though- I would have been mortified if she had done that to me and I should have been more considerate.
Sometimes its easy to get wrapped up in thinking that trich is so unusual from other habits that only we are ashamed and embarrassed. The truth is, everyone has their own form of trich- something they might do or a habit they may have that they don't want to publicize. Just like we hope people won't judge us, we (or I) should be more thoughtful and empathetic- its true that you just don't know what life is like in anther's shoes.
About an hour later my sister approached me and she was pissed. She said it was wrong for me to ask in front of everyone since I knew she bit her nails (i honestly didn't know it was her) and that she would never have done that to me with my trich. I was really caught off guard because I really hadn't even given it any thought- in my mind, fingernail biting is so common and nothing to be embarrassed about (although I would LOVE if people on the subway stopped clipping their nails in crowded cars- I find that so disgusting). She was right though- I would have been mortified if she had done that to me and I should have been more considerate.
Sometimes its easy to get wrapped up in thinking that trich is so unusual from other habits that only we are ashamed and embarrassed. The truth is, everyone has their own form of trich- something they might do or a habit they may have that they don't want to publicize. Just like we hope people won't judge us, we (or I) should be more thoughtful and empathetic- its true that you just don't know what life is like in anther's shoes.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Memories good and bad
When I was younger I was about as awkward(as a teenager and pre-teen if I'm being honest) as you could get. I have naturally curly hair that my mother always had me keep just above my shoulders (she insisted this was for the benefit of my swimming since shorter hair drags less) which for anyone else that has curly hair you know that this can be a recipe for disaster- the longer it is, the more it weighs itself down. I refer to it as my "poodle afro" and in those days it was out of control because I was clueless about anything beauty related (and still a bit clueless).
Next was the teen acne which I thought could be covered up with make up but again, since I had no clue how to wear make up, it just made it worse. Mom was no help on this one and most of my friends were either boys or athletes, neither of whom had much need for makeup (the girls were much more blessed than me on almost all look fronts).
My wardrobe selections were atrocious. Thankfully in HS I was in Catholic School and didnt have to worry much about my day to day outfit but on the whole, if it wasnt something I could swim in or work out in, my "style" was hideous and I just didnt have a clue, even for the 80s.
To top it all off I had glasses. Not just glasses, but big glasses that took over most of my pimpled, awkward, eyelash free face. They started off as big blue glasses when I was 8 (shortly after the trich started), turned into enormous red glasses and ending with big round wire glasses. My mom had always told me that I couldnt get contacts until my eyelashes were back. Man, did I want to get rid of the glasses- I tried so hard for years to beat trich and couldnt. By the middle of my freshman year in HS my mom (and I) finally gave up and she let me get contacts (i've since had laser eye surgery which was one of the best purchases of my life).
Despite my general pre-teen/teen hideousness (seriously I am amazed that my parents left the house with me during those years) the one thing I always notice in old pictures is my lack of eyelashes. I was looking at an old picture over the weekend, one of the few I have of me with my grandmother, and the glasses and missing eyelashes makes it hard for me to look at the picture with happy memories. I know that the glasses did bring me some level of comfort, they were my barrier and, in my mind during those years, gave me some refuge from people directly and immediately noticing that my eyelashes were completely gone. It makes me sad, for all the years of anxiety I've suffered, for the photos that should be happy memories but really just make me sad for my younger, insecure self.
Fortunately when I was about 14 (and the acne was going away and the glasses were gone) someone saw me in a mall and offered me a makeover which my mom agreed to. She taught me (finally!) the art of make up application, how to use eyeliner to at least give the initial appearance of having eyelashes (which later was used with my missing eyebrows), just general tips. It took a few years to get my hair and clothing under control and, I kid you not, I had a guy i had known for most of my life approach me at a party when I was about 19 and literally stop short and say "wow, you grew up nicely, thats surprising". haha.
Now I can laugh about it. I'm pretty confident in who I am and what I look like and part of my is glad for the humility that was forced upon me since I can really relate much better to people and can help my younger cousins through their awkward teen years (mostly this consists of showing them a photo of me at 11 and telling them at least they arent that bad and letting them know what you look like then has NOTHING to do with what you will/can look like later so they will get through it).
I hate how despite the years that have passed, I still look at these old photos and the first thing I notice is whether I was having a good week or bad week with trich behind the glasses. I see a teenager uncomfortable in her own skin and a situation made even harder because of the "trich secret". I hope one day I will look back on this differently but I just hope that the memories I'm creating now arent dictated, albeit years later, by how good I'm doing with my trich. I've come to accept it as part of who I am, who I'll always be, but that doesnt mean it doesnt still hurt and make me sad for the years lost.
Here's to a better future, one where I'm in control, not trich. I wish you the same.
Next was the teen acne which I thought could be covered up with make up but again, since I had no clue how to wear make up, it just made it worse. Mom was no help on this one and most of my friends were either boys or athletes, neither of whom had much need for makeup (the girls were much more blessed than me on almost all look fronts).
My wardrobe selections were atrocious. Thankfully in HS I was in Catholic School and didnt have to worry much about my day to day outfit but on the whole, if it wasnt something I could swim in or work out in, my "style" was hideous and I just didnt have a clue, even for the 80s.
To top it all off I had glasses. Not just glasses, but big glasses that took over most of my pimpled, awkward, eyelash free face. They started off as big blue glasses when I was 8 (shortly after the trich started), turned into enormous red glasses and ending with big round wire glasses. My mom had always told me that I couldnt get contacts until my eyelashes were back. Man, did I want to get rid of the glasses- I tried so hard for years to beat trich and couldnt. By the middle of my freshman year in HS my mom (and I) finally gave up and she let me get contacts (i've since had laser eye surgery which was one of the best purchases of my life).
Despite my general pre-teen/teen hideousness (seriously I am amazed that my parents left the house with me during those years) the one thing I always notice in old pictures is my lack of eyelashes. I was looking at an old picture over the weekend, one of the few I have of me with my grandmother, and the glasses and missing eyelashes makes it hard for me to look at the picture with happy memories. I know that the glasses did bring me some level of comfort, they were my barrier and, in my mind during those years, gave me some refuge from people directly and immediately noticing that my eyelashes were completely gone. It makes me sad, for all the years of anxiety I've suffered, for the photos that should be happy memories but really just make me sad for my younger, insecure self.
Fortunately when I was about 14 (and the acne was going away and the glasses were gone) someone saw me in a mall and offered me a makeover which my mom agreed to. She taught me (finally!) the art of make up application, how to use eyeliner to at least give the initial appearance of having eyelashes (which later was used with my missing eyebrows), just general tips. It took a few years to get my hair and clothing under control and, I kid you not, I had a guy i had known for most of my life approach me at a party when I was about 19 and literally stop short and say "wow, you grew up nicely, thats surprising". haha.
Now I can laugh about it. I'm pretty confident in who I am and what I look like and part of my is glad for the humility that was forced upon me since I can really relate much better to people and can help my younger cousins through their awkward teen years (mostly this consists of showing them a photo of me at 11 and telling them at least they arent that bad and letting them know what you look like then has NOTHING to do with what you will/can look like later so they will get through it).
I hate how despite the years that have passed, I still look at these old photos and the first thing I notice is whether I was having a good week or bad week with trich behind the glasses. I see a teenager uncomfortable in her own skin and a situation made even harder because of the "trich secret". I hope one day I will look back on this differently but I just hope that the memories I'm creating now arent dictated, albeit years later, by how good I'm doing with my trich. I've come to accept it as part of who I am, who I'll always be, but that doesnt mean it doesnt still hurt and make me sad for the years lost.
Here's to a better future, one where I'm in control, not trich. I wish you the same.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Anxiety
Yesterday, after 2 long years, I said goodbye to my least favorite client of all time. He was the worst and would go through periods where he would just scream at me for twenty minutes about nothing and then come into court smiling. I have completed two trials with him now, both of which he was convicted thanks to overwhelming evidence, but now I dont have to deal with him ever again. Finally.
I have a few trials coming up including one Monday where i am fully convinced my client is innocent. Between that and some social obligations, the next few weeks will certainly be crazy and exhausting, but in a good way I hope since it should all be moving me towards the end goal of leaving my job and improving my life. However, for the last few days I have been feeling really anxious. The problem is I'm not really sure why and I cant help but worry that this will have an impact on my trich.
Admittedly, this week at least, I have not been sticking to my goals of getting up early, working out, and spending an hour a day working on my business plan. I have been exercising (as much as I can with a cold I've picked up) and I have my wii to thank for that- nothing beats being able to work out a sweat in your living room with a motivational trainer on the TV. I'm not really worried about work stuff (although I need to move it along if I ever want to quit my job), money is always a little bit of a worry but nothing out of the ordinary, things are generally ok. So where is this anxiety, this weird nervousness in the pit of my stomach, coming from?
I'm on guard with trich and that's a good thing so hopefully I'll be able to get through this without slipping. The battle continues.
I have a few trials coming up including one Monday where i am fully convinced my client is innocent. Between that and some social obligations, the next few weeks will certainly be crazy and exhausting, but in a good way I hope since it should all be moving me towards the end goal of leaving my job and improving my life. However, for the last few days I have been feeling really anxious. The problem is I'm not really sure why and I cant help but worry that this will have an impact on my trich.
Admittedly, this week at least, I have not been sticking to my goals of getting up early, working out, and spending an hour a day working on my business plan. I have been exercising (as much as I can with a cold I've picked up) and I have my wii to thank for that- nothing beats being able to work out a sweat in your living room with a motivational trainer on the TV. I'm not really worried about work stuff (although I need to move it along if I ever want to quit my job), money is always a little bit of a worry but nothing out of the ordinary, things are generally ok. So where is this anxiety, this weird nervousness in the pit of my stomach, coming from?
I'm on guard with trich and that's a good thing so hopefully I'll be able to get through this without slipping. The battle continues.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Weekend Getaway
Once again I'm sorry for being such a bad blogger. Rather than returning from Chicago on Sunday as planned, our flight was canceled due to (nonexistent) bad weather in NY (bad Jet Blue, bad) and we didn't end up getting home until Monday night. Of course, on Monday I had two court appearances scheduled and apparently my colleague got an earful from the judge about my absence (what did he think i could do? Strap on wings and fly back on my own?) Anyway, I'm now back trying to conquer the inevitable pile of work that has accumulated while I was gone.
Chicago was a good trip although it was a bit of family overload. That said, I went 5 days without a single urge to pull which is pretty incredible. I'm not sure why, when I'm away, I am so controlled with trich and yet the minute I return home the urges find their way back. So frustrating. It's not even as though I was distracted the whole time or anxiety free- I can't explain it. It's now been about 2 weeks since I've slipped and my eyebrows and eyelashes are once again looking great
For anyone who hasn't read some of my previous posts, I just want to be a little more clear about my "pull-freeness" - I am still (as I've confessed to in the past) allowing myself a "grooming night" once every couple weeks where I can maintain my eyebrows so that they don't get messy looking which I have no doubt would result in me pulling out everything. Also, I am still allowing myself to pull the dark hairs that come in around my naval area and around my bikini line- I don't know whether you consider that cheating or not but it's what I'm doing for now. I just didn't want to anyone reading this to be mislead as I'm sure some people would say this isn't really conquering trich- I'm just doing it in my own way since my focus is to get my eyebrows and eyelashes back as that's what has the biggest impact on my day to day life and happiness.
My mom has been continuing to tell me how good my eyelashes look every time I see her and that feels really good. My cousins and other family members, the ones who either have trich themselves or know about my trich, said nothing while we were in Chicago. At one point my aunt said something which led me to talking about the fact that I had eyelashes (i truthfully cant remember how it came up) and her reply was "cool" and then she moved on. I thought the return of my eyelashes after a 21 year hiatus would merit more than a "cool"! None of my friends have brought up my trich either although I kind of wish they would- maybe they think that now that I have them looking pretty good that I've beaten trich. Ha! Besides the 5 day hiatus I received while away, it is still a daily battle- right now I'm just wishing more people understood about trich and what its like. Oh well, maybe one day.
Chicago was a good trip although it was a bit of family overload. That said, I went 5 days without a single urge to pull which is pretty incredible. I'm not sure why, when I'm away, I am so controlled with trich and yet the minute I return home the urges find their way back. So frustrating. It's not even as though I was distracted the whole time or anxiety free- I can't explain it. It's now been about 2 weeks since I've slipped and my eyebrows and eyelashes are once again looking great
For anyone who hasn't read some of my previous posts, I just want to be a little more clear about my "pull-freeness" - I am still (as I've confessed to in the past) allowing myself a "grooming night" once every couple weeks where I can maintain my eyebrows so that they don't get messy looking which I have no doubt would result in me pulling out everything. Also, I am still allowing myself to pull the dark hairs that come in around my naval area and around my bikini line- I don't know whether you consider that cheating or not but it's what I'm doing for now. I just didn't want to anyone reading this to be mislead as I'm sure some people would say this isn't really conquering trich- I'm just doing it in my own way since my focus is to get my eyebrows and eyelashes back as that's what has the biggest impact on my day to day life and happiness.
My mom has been continuing to tell me how good my eyelashes look every time I see her and that feels really good. My cousins and other family members, the ones who either have trich themselves or know about my trich, said nothing while we were in Chicago. At one point my aunt said something which led me to talking about the fact that I had eyelashes (i truthfully cant remember how it came up) and her reply was "cool" and then she moved on. I thought the return of my eyelashes after a 21 year hiatus would merit more than a "cool"! None of my friends have brought up my trich either although I kind of wish they would- maybe they think that now that I have them looking pretty good that I've beaten trich. Ha! Besides the 5 day hiatus I received while away, it is still a daily battle- right now I'm just wishing more people understood about trich and what its like. Oh well, maybe one day.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Back on Track
I anticipated that this week would be tough but its been a bit easier than i anticipated. The small damage I did to my eyelashes the last couple weeks seems to be getting better by the day and the urges, despite my PMS'ing, haven't been as bad as I expected. I've been using the get up and walk around approach a lot more to distract myself from the urges and that seems to be helping. When I'm really tired this gets tough but I keep reminding myself that this is a priority and is meant to improve the quality of my life, so getting up and walking around for a few minutes is better than pulling and being eyelash free for the rest of my life.
Tomorrow morning I am leaving for Chicago and I'm usually pretty good about not pulling while I'm away (I'll also be rooming with my sister who would be all over me if she saw me even touching my eyelashes or eyebrows).
Unfortunately I'm feeling a bit of writers lag again today and dont have too much else to talk about but hopefully next week I will be back on schedule with a clear mind and will be writing more (and more often). Good luck to all!
Tomorrow morning I am leaving for Chicago and I'm usually pretty good about not pulling while I'm away (I'll also be rooming with my sister who would be all over me if she saw me even touching my eyelashes or eyebrows).
Unfortunately I'm feeling a bit of writers lag again today and dont have too much else to talk about but hopefully next week I will be back on schedule with a clear mind and will be writing more (and more often). Good luck to all!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Exhaustion
The last week has been a bit touch and go with trich- the urges have been pretty bad but, with the exception of one more small slip, I've been able to hold pretty steady. From the last few weeks I've learned that I can handle stress and trich fairly well (its not easy) but that when I am really emotionally and physically drained AND stressed, it's a lethal combination for me when trying to not pull. Unfortunately, those are the times when I'm not as likely to be "on guard" and pulling out all the trich stops but, if I'm ever going to fully beat this thing, I must summon the energy to keep fighting from somewhere. Anywhere.
This weekend is going to be a real test. I'm pretty tired from a lot of running around (was another busy week), I'm stressed with getting a lot of work done (for my current and future job) and have a massive list of errands that need to be taken care of before I leave for Chicago on Thursday. Oh, and I'm PMS'ing. It's the perfect storm really. I was going to go with friends on a wine tour tomorrow but something else came up and, unfortunately, its probably for the best since I really should be laying low and building back up some energy. The next few weeks are going to be pretty busy.
So this weekend should be a time for me to really refocus on battling trich. I think I've been making excuses for myself and had hoped that trich would have eased off a bit by now. It clearly hasnt and I have to remember that this is almost like another full time job- trich is still not giving up but I cant back off or it will just run me down. (and speaking of stress- literally as I was writing this post my cat was throwing up all over my month-old carpet....ahhh, it never ends but what am I going to do? get mad at the cat for being sick? this is life, some things just happen and you have to pick up and move on).
And now the weekend test begins. Next week in Chicago I will be seeing almost my entire family for my little cousins bar mitvah- in this group will be my cousin who also battled trich (worse than me) for YEARS but never really would talk to me about it. There will also be other family I have spoken to about trich (and who have confessed to me similar, but much smaller, trich problems). It would be nice to show up with my eyebrows and eyelashes in tact for once :)
Have a great weekend and good luck to anyone trying to make it through without pulling!
This weekend is going to be a real test. I'm pretty tired from a lot of running around (was another busy week), I'm stressed with getting a lot of work done (for my current and future job) and have a massive list of errands that need to be taken care of before I leave for Chicago on Thursday. Oh, and I'm PMS'ing. It's the perfect storm really. I was going to go with friends on a wine tour tomorrow but something else came up and, unfortunately, its probably for the best since I really should be laying low and building back up some energy. The next few weeks are going to be pretty busy.
So this weekend should be a time for me to really refocus on battling trich. I think I've been making excuses for myself and had hoped that trich would have eased off a bit by now. It clearly hasnt and I have to remember that this is almost like another full time job- trich is still not giving up but I cant back off or it will just run me down. (and speaking of stress- literally as I was writing this post my cat was throwing up all over my month-old carpet....ahhh, it never ends but what am I going to do? get mad at the cat for being sick? this is life, some things just happen and you have to pick up and move on).
And now the weekend test begins. Next week in Chicago I will be seeing almost my entire family for my little cousins bar mitvah- in this group will be my cousin who also battled trich (worse than me) for YEARS but never really would talk to me about it. There will also be other family I have spoken to about trich (and who have confessed to me similar, but much smaller, trich problems). It would be nice to show up with my eyebrows and eyelashes in tact for once :)
Have a great weekend and good luck to anyone trying to make it through without pulling!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
A dose of inspiration
Sorry for being MIA the last couple weeks- I just finished up the big trial I had mentioned and it took up every free minute I had. It's been a rough couple weeks, starting with the slip I mentioned in the last post. Sadly, it didn't stop there and the stress of the trial (and my client) became a bit overwhelming. Again, the damage isn't too horrible but I definitely pulled a few times and was not able to stay in control of my urges. Fortunately, I have been pull-free since the trial ended on Friday.
Yesterday I found out that a friend of mine (more of an acquaintance but she is best friends with my good friend) completed the Boston marathon in under 3 1/2 hours. This is pretty incredible on its own, but the back story of this girl is truly inspirational and I wanted to share it with anyone reading this.
The friend, her name is Jess, has been an elite triathlete for years, completing in several Iron Man's, countless marathons, you get the idea. Back in August she was biking with her husband (they had only been married a few months) and, going at a pretty good speed, crashed into the back of a car. She was rushed to the hospital where she went into (or was put into) a coma because she had a traumatic brain injury (she hit the pavement with her face causing her brain to push everything forward). According to our mutual friend, she was a mess and they weren't sure she was going to make it and I believe she remained in the hospital, and then rehab, until maybe late October (i could be getting the specifics wrong). Her entire appearance has changed and obviously she was not able to do any form of exercise, let along walk or run, for months (and when she first started she was in excruciating pain as the plates in her face would grind against each other). Yet, less than 9 months later, she completed the Boston Marathon with an impressive time.
I share this story as hope for anyone that is having a difficult time. Things can be dark and bleak and the outcome unknown, but if she can pull through something so serious and traumatic and overcome incredible odds then I have to believe that as difficult as trich is, I can overcome it. She didn't get to where she is today overnight, and I know that there were times when she had enough and wanted to give up, but she didn't. I won't either.
Yesterday I found out that a friend of mine (more of an acquaintance but she is best friends with my good friend) completed the Boston marathon in under 3 1/2 hours. This is pretty incredible on its own, but the back story of this girl is truly inspirational and I wanted to share it with anyone reading this.
The friend, her name is Jess, has been an elite triathlete for years, completing in several Iron Man's, countless marathons, you get the idea. Back in August she was biking with her husband (they had only been married a few months) and, going at a pretty good speed, crashed into the back of a car. She was rushed to the hospital where she went into (or was put into) a coma because she had a traumatic brain injury (she hit the pavement with her face causing her brain to push everything forward). According to our mutual friend, she was a mess and they weren't sure she was going to make it and I believe she remained in the hospital, and then rehab, until maybe late October (i could be getting the specifics wrong). Her entire appearance has changed and obviously she was not able to do any form of exercise, let along walk or run, for months (and when she first started she was in excruciating pain as the plates in her face would grind against each other). Yet, less than 9 months later, she completed the Boston Marathon with an impressive time.
I share this story as hope for anyone that is having a difficult time. Things can be dark and bleak and the outcome unknown, but if she can pull through something so serious and traumatic and overcome incredible odds then I have to believe that as difficult as trich is, I can overcome it. She didn't get to where she is today overnight, and I know that there were times when she had enough and wanted to give up, but she didn't. I won't either.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Not cool
So I have to confess that over the weekend I had a pretty big setback. I was working most of the weekend doing trial preparation and around 10:00 on Saturday night I decided to put the work away and just relax a little bit. I really wish I knew what happened.
I started in the typical way of just feeling my lashes with my fingers. Feeling for hairs that were out of place or thicker or shorter than the rest. I knew I didnt want to be doing it but I couldnt stop. Actually, that's a lie. I could have stopped but I didnt even try. In a pathetic, half assed way I would try to keep my hand busy but I could also hear that stupid little voice in my head saying that "just this one and no one will be able to tell". If only it worked that way.
So I pulled one and then another would take its place as the focus of my attention- the same pattern it has been for years. And then, once again, I panic at the damage I've done. In just a few minutes, maybe 15, and I've set myself back weeks. The lashes are still there but they are definitely thinner and my right eyelid now has a small spot where, if you look closely, there are no lashes. Yes, i can pretty easily cover it up with a little eyeliner and mascara to make it appear thicker but I know its there.
I dont have an explanation that can justify it. Stress from the trial, emotions from that jerk guy coming back into the picture, anxiety over quitting my job, exhaustion from working 90+ hours last week- I'm not really sure. I couldnt even take my own advice and forgive myself and move on- I was so frustrated at my self destruction. But that was Saturday. Sunday I work up and realized that its done, its over and the only thing that will get me through is to refocus and stop pulling because that is the only way they will grow back in.
Its funny but I realize that every time I think I've found something (this time exercise) and I make the proclamation "i'm too tired from now exercising to even want to pull" , within a few posts I'm confessing my slips. I suppose its thinking I've found a away to beat it and, as a result, I start to let me guard down when trich is on the other side of that wall just waiting for me not to pay attention.
All I know at this point is that I cant go back again. Now that I know what it feels like to have eyebrows and eyelashes, I cant go back to a life where I pull them out. One day I hope my battle with trich will be over but clearly it's not over yet.
I started in the typical way of just feeling my lashes with my fingers. Feeling for hairs that were out of place or thicker or shorter than the rest. I knew I didnt want to be doing it but I couldnt stop. Actually, that's a lie. I could have stopped but I didnt even try. In a pathetic, half assed way I would try to keep my hand busy but I could also hear that stupid little voice in my head saying that "just this one and no one will be able to tell". If only it worked that way.
So I pulled one and then another would take its place as the focus of my attention- the same pattern it has been for years. And then, once again, I panic at the damage I've done. In just a few minutes, maybe 15, and I've set myself back weeks. The lashes are still there but they are definitely thinner and my right eyelid now has a small spot where, if you look closely, there are no lashes. Yes, i can pretty easily cover it up with a little eyeliner and mascara to make it appear thicker but I know its there.
I dont have an explanation that can justify it. Stress from the trial, emotions from that jerk guy coming back into the picture, anxiety over quitting my job, exhaustion from working 90+ hours last week- I'm not really sure. I couldnt even take my own advice and forgive myself and move on- I was so frustrated at my self destruction. But that was Saturday. Sunday I work up and realized that its done, its over and the only thing that will get me through is to refocus and stop pulling because that is the only way they will grow back in.
Its funny but I realize that every time I think I've found something (this time exercise) and I make the proclamation "i'm too tired from now exercising to even want to pull" , within a few posts I'm confessing my slips. I suppose its thinking I've found a away to beat it and, as a result, I start to let me guard down when trich is on the other side of that wall just waiting for me not to pay attention.
All I know at this point is that I cant go back again. Now that I know what it feels like to have eyebrows and eyelashes, I cant go back to a life where I pull them out. One day I hope my battle with trich will be over but clearly it's not over yet.
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