I anticipated that this week would be tough but its been a bit easier than i anticipated. The small damage I did to my eyelashes the last couple weeks seems to be getting better by the day and the urges, despite my PMS'ing, haven't been as bad as I expected. I've been using the get up and walk around approach a lot more to distract myself from the urges and that seems to be helping. When I'm really tired this gets tough but I keep reminding myself that this is a priority and is meant to improve the quality of my life, so getting up and walking around for a few minutes is better than pulling and being eyelash free for the rest of my life.
Tomorrow morning I am leaving for Chicago and I'm usually pretty good about not pulling while I'm away (I'll also be rooming with my sister who would be all over me if she saw me even touching my eyelashes or eyebrows).
Unfortunately I'm feeling a bit of writers lag again today and dont have too much else to talk about but hopefully next week I will be back on schedule with a clear mind and will be writing more (and more often). Good luck to all!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Exhaustion
The last week has been a bit touch and go with trich- the urges have been pretty bad but, with the exception of one more small slip, I've been able to hold pretty steady. From the last few weeks I've learned that I can handle stress and trich fairly well (its not easy) but that when I am really emotionally and physically drained AND stressed, it's a lethal combination for me when trying to not pull. Unfortunately, those are the times when I'm not as likely to be "on guard" and pulling out all the trich stops but, if I'm ever going to fully beat this thing, I must summon the energy to keep fighting from somewhere. Anywhere.
This weekend is going to be a real test. I'm pretty tired from a lot of running around (was another busy week), I'm stressed with getting a lot of work done (for my current and future job) and have a massive list of errands that need to be taken care of before I leave for Chicago on Thursday. Oh, and I'm PMS'ing. It's the perfect storm really. I was going to go with friends on a wine tour tomorrow but something else came up and, unfortunately, its probably for the best since I really should be laying low and building back up some energy. The next few weeks are going to be pretty busy.
So this weekend should be a time for me to really refocus on battling trich. I think I've been making excuses for myself and had hoped that trich would have eased off a bit by now. It clearly hasnt and I have to remember that this is almost like another full time job- trich is still not giving up but I cant back off or it will just run me down. (and speaking of stress- literally as I was writing this post my cat was throwing up all over my month-old carpet....ahhh, it never ends but what am I going to do? get mad at the cat for being sick? this is life, some things just happen and you have to pick up and move on).
And now the weekend test begins. Next week in Chicago I will be seeing almost my entire family for my little cousins bar mitvah- in this group will be my cousin who also battled trich (worse than me) for YEARS but never really would talk to me about it. There will also be other family I have spoken to about trich (and who have confessed to me similar, but much smaller, trich problems). It would be nice to show up with my eyebrows and eyelashes in tact for once :)
Have a great weekend and good luck to anyone trying to make it through without pulling!
This weekend is going to be a real test. I'm pretty tired from a lot of running around (was another busy week), I'm stressed with getting a lot of work done (for my current and future job) and have a massive list of errands that need to be taken care of before I leave for Chicago on Thursday. Oh, and I'm PMS'ing. It's the perfect storm really. I was going to go with friends on a wine tour tomorrow but something else came up and, unfortunately, its probably for the best since I really should be laying low and building back up some energy. The next few weeks are going to be pretty busy.
So this weekend should be a time for me to really refocus on battling trich. I think I've been making excuses for myself and had hoped that trich would have eased off a bit by now. It clearly hasnt and I have to remember that this is almost like another full time job- trich is still not giving up but I cant back off or it will just run me down. (and speaking of stress- literally as I was writing this post my cat was throwing up all over my month-old carpet....ahhh, it never ends but what am I going to do? get mad at the cat for being sick? this is life, some things just happen and you have to pick up and move on).
And now the weekend test begins. Next week in Chicago I will be seeing almost my entire family for my little cousins bar mitvah- in this group will be my cousin who also battled trich (worse than me) for YEARS but never really would talk to me about it. There will also be other family I have spoken to about trich (and who have confessed to me similar, but much smaller, trich problems). It would be nice to show up with my eyebrows and eyelashes in tact for once :)
Have a great weekend and good luck to anyone trying to make it through without pulling!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
A dose of inspiration
Sorry for being MIA the last couple weeks- I just finished up the big trial I had mentioned and it took up every free minute I had. It's been a rough couple weeks, starting with the slip I mentioned in the last post. Sadly, it didn't stop there and the stress of the trial (and my client) became a bit overwhelming. Again, the damage isn't too horrible but I definitely pulled a few times and was not able to stay in control of my urges. Fortunately, I have been pull-free since the trial ended on Friday.
Yesterday I found out that a friend of mine (more of an acquaintance but she is best friends with my good friend) completed the Boston marathon in under 3 1/2 hours. This is pretty incredible on its own, but the back story of this girl is truly inspirational and I wanted to share it with anyone reading this.
The friend, her name is Jess, has been an elite triathlete for years, completing in several Iron Man's, countless marathons, you get the idea. Back in August she was biking with her husband (they had only been married a few months) and, going at a pretty good speed, crashed into the back of a car. She was rushed to the hospital where she went into (or was put into) a coma because she had a traumatic brain injury (she hit the pavement with her face causing her brain to push everything forward). According to our mutual friend, she was a mess and they weren't sure she was going to make it and I believe she remained in the hospital, and then rehab, until maybe late October (i could be getting the specifics wrong). Her entire appearance has changed and obviously she was not able to do any form of exercise, let along walk or run, for months (and when she first started she was in excruciating pain as the plates in her face would grind against each other). Yet, less than 9 months later, she completed the Boston Marathon with an impressive time.
I share this story as hope for anyone that is having a difficult time. Things can be dark and bleak and the outcome unknown, but if she can pull through something so serious and traumatic and overcome incredible odds then I have to believe that as difficult as trich is, I can overcome it. She didn't get to where she is today overnight, and I know that there were times when she had enough and wanted to give up, but she didn't. I won't either.
Yesterday I found out that a friend of mine (more of an acquaintance but she is best friends with my good friend) completed the Boston marathon in under 3 1/2 hours. This is pretty incredible on its own, but the back story of this girl is truly inspirational and I wanted to share it with anyone reading this.
The friend, her name is Jess, has been an elite triathlete for years, completing in several Iron Man's, countless marathons, you get the idea. Back in August she was biking with her husband (they had only been married a few months) and, going at a pretty good speed, crashed into the back of a car. She was rushed to the hospital where she went into (or was put into) a coma because she had a traumatic brain injury (she hit the pavement with her face causing her brain to push everything forward). According to our mutual friend, she was a mess and they weren't sure she was going to make it and I believe she remained in the hospital, and then rehab, until maybe late October (i could be getting the specifics wrong). Her entire appearance has changed and obviously she was not able to do any form of exercise, let along walk or run, for months (and when she first started she was in excruciating pain as the plates in her face would grind against each other). Yet, less than 9 months later, she completed the Boston Marathon with an impressive time.
I share this story as hope for anyone that is having a difficult time. Things can be dark and bleak and the outcome unknown, but if she can pull through something so serious and traumatic and overcome incredible odds then I have to believe that as difficult as trich is, I can overcome it. She didn't get to where she is today overnight, and I know that there were times when she had enough and wanted to give up, but she didn't. I won't either.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Not cool
So I have to confess that over the weekend I had a pretty big setback. I was working most of the weekend doing trial preparation and around 10:00 on Saturday night I decided to put the work away and just relax a little bit. I really wish I knew what happened.
I started in the typical way of just feeling my lashes with my fingers. Feeling for hairs that were out of place or thicker or shorter than the rest. I knew I didnt want to be doing it but I couldnt stop. Actually, that's a lie. I could have stopped but I didnt even try. In a pathetic, half assed way I would try to keep my hand busy but I could also hear that stupid little voice in my head saying that "just this one and no one will be able to tell". If only it worked that way.
So I pulled one and then another would take its place as the focus of my attention- the same pattern it has been for years. And then, once again, I panic at the damage I've done. In just a few minutes, maybe 15, and I've set myself back weeks. The lashes are still there but they are definitely thinner and my right eyelid now has a small spot where, if you look closely, there are no lashes. Yes, i can pretty easily cover it up with a little eyeliner and mascara to make it appear thicker but I know its there.
I dont have an explanation that can justify it. Stress from the trial, emotions from that jerk guy coming back into the picture, anxiety over quitting my job, exhaustion from working 90+ hours last week- I'm not really sure. I couldnt even take my own advice and forgive myself and move on- I was so frustrated at my self destruction. But that was Saturday. Sunday I work up and realized that its done, its over and the only thing that will get me through is to refocus and stop pulling because that is the only way they will grow back in.
Its funny but I realize that every time I think I've found something (this time exercise) and I make the proclamation "i'm too tired from now exercising to even want to pull" , within a few posts I'm confessing my slips. I suppose its thinking I've found a away to beat it and, as a result, I start to let me guard down when trich is on the other side of that wall just waiting for me not to pay attention.
All I know at this point is that I cant go back again. Now that I know what it feels like to have eyebrows and eyelashes, I cant go back to a life where I pull them out. One day I hope my battle with trich will be over but clearly it's not over yet.
I started in the typical way of just feeling my lashes with my fingers. Feeling for hairs that were out of place or thicker or shorter than the rest. I knew I didnt want to be doing it but I couldnt stop. Actually, that's a lie. I could have stopped but I didnt even try. In a pathetic, half assed way I would try to keep my hand busy but I could also hear that stupid little voice in my head saying that "just this one and no one will be able to tell". If only it worked that way.
So I pulled one and then another would take its place as the focus of my attention- the same pattern it has been for years. And then, once again, I panic at the damage I've done. In just a few minutes, maybe 15, and I've set myself back weeks. The lashes are still there but they are definitely thinner and my right eyelid now has a small spot where, if you look closely, there are no lashes. Yes, i can pretty easily cover it up with a little eyeliner and mascara to make it appear thicker but I know its there.
I dont have an explanation that can justify it. Stress from the trial, emotions from that jerk guy coming back into the picture, anxiety over quitting my job, exhaustion from working 90+ hours last week- I'm not really sure. I couldnt even take my own advice and forgive myself and move on- I was so frustrated at my self destruction. But that was Saturday. Sunday I work up and realized that its done, its over and the only thing that will get me through is to refocus and stop pulling because that is the only way they will grow back in.
Its funny but I realize that every time I think I've found something (this time exercise) and I make the proclamation "i'm too tired from now exercising to even want to pull" , within a few posts I'm confessing my slips. I suppose its thinking I've found a away to beat it and, as a result, I start to let me guard down when trich is on the other side of that wall just waiting for me not to pay attention.
All I know at this point is that I cant go back again. Now that I know what it feels like to have eyebrows and eyelashes, I cant go back to a life where I pull them out. One day I hope my battle with trich will be over but clearly it's not over yet.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Thank you
I just want to start by saying thank you for the support- it's really nice to know that others can understand what I'm going through (although it sucks that others have had experiences similar to my experience with tactless jerk guy(. Until recently I didn't realize just how much of an impact trich has had on almost my entire life and I really don't think a person can understand that impact unless they have this disease.
The other day I was telling my friend about trich for the first time. He was one of the first people I met in college and, although we dated on and off for about 7 years (which officially ended about 2 years ago) we now have a really great friendship. We have a pretty solid understanding of each other in many, many ways, but I felt that, albeit unintentionally, he almost trivialized what it's like to have this disease. Trivialized may not be the right word, but he made it seem like "no big deal"- dont get me wrong, I know he was trying to be supportive but he's wrong, it is a big deal.
He called it a quirk, which yes, in some ways it is, but it's also so much more than that. There are hours spent worrying about what others think, and planning how to cover up the missing hair depending on what situation you may encounter on a given day. There is endless shame and anxiety, years of frustration and sadness. It's not just something I do, its a huge part of who I am and what my life has been, and as much as I've confronted it, it'll always be a big part of my future. I guess that's why when someone makes an insensitive remark, like the tactless jerk I mentioned on Wednesday, it is so hard to forgive or even try to forget.
Again, I'm sorry that most people reading this know what it's like all too well- I wouldn't wish trich on anyone- but I'm grateful that there are people out there that can understand and I'm grateful for all the support I've received.
On a side note- I've been up every day this week at 6am and have been exercising for the first time in a long time. The other day I bought a Wii active game which includes a 30 day challenge and i must admit that it is kicking my butt into shape. By the end of the day, I'm too tired to pull and just want to go to bed. For now, I'll take the small vacation from having urges:)
The other day I was telling my friend about trich for the first time. He was one of the first people I met in college and, although we dated on and off for about 7 years (which officially ended about 2 years ago) we now have a really great friendship. We have a pretty solid understanding of each other in many, many ways, but I felt that, albeit unintentionally, he almost trivialized what it's like to have this disease. Trivialized may not be the right word, but he made it seem like "no big deal"- dont get me wrong, I know he was trying to be supportive but he's wrong, it is a big deal.
He called it a quirk, which yes, in some ways it is, but it's also so much more than that. There are hours spent worrying about what others think, and planning how to cover up the missing hair depending on what situation you may encounter on a given day. There is endless shame and anxiety, years of frustration and sadness. It's not just something I do, its a huge part of who I am and what my life has been, and as much as I've confronted it, it'll always be a big part of my future. I guess that's why when someone makes an insensitive remark, like the tactless jerk I mentioned on Wednesday, it is so hard to forgive or even try to forget.
Again, I'm sorry that most people reading this know what it's like all too well- I wouldn't wish trich on anyone- but I'm grateful that there are people out there that can understand and I'm grateful for all the support I've received.
On a side note- I've been up every day this week at 6am and have been exercising for the first time in a long time. The other day I bought a Wii active game which includes a 30 day challenge and i must admit that it is kicking my butt into shape. By the end of the day, I'm too tired to pull and just want to go to bed. For now, I'll take the small vacation from having urges:)
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Forgiveness.
A few minutes ago I got a instant message from my friend M (the one who I had told about my trich a few weeks ago over dinner). Apparently she had just been talking to this guy we went to college with, I think I previously referred to him as D, and they were talking about my trich. Random timing.
D was the guy in college who had literally no tact. He wasn't a bad guy, he just didn't have any boundaries and didn't know when to keep his mouth shut. D and I sat next to each other in class one semester and he noticed I didn't have any eyelashes. He becane like a moth to a flame. He wouldn't stop staring and making comments about it. My biggest insecurity seemed to be his favorite topic. I told him it was because of medication I was on but I don't think he bought it. I avoided him as much as possible.
Flash forward to after college and my friend and I were throwing a big party in NYC (i was living in DC at the time). I was standing with some friends and he literally walked up, in a crowded bar, stood right next to me, and commented that my eyelashes were still missing. Needless to say that put a big damper on my night.
To this day I have disliked him. I know we all make mistakes and say stupid shit, but i have not been able to get over it. We don't see each other but we do have some friends in common. One of them being my friend M, who apparently he contacted today, saying that he knows M and I are friends, that he has always felt bad, that he thought I had eyelashes at the party and was going to comment on how great it was and that when he got close to me and realized I didn't have them, he just blurted it out. He told M he has felt disgusted and horrible ever since and that its one of his biggest regrets.
Here is where I'm kind of a jerk. I told M that I know people screw up and I'd be a hypocrite not to forgive him but I also told her I didn't want him to contact me. Not now. Probably not ever. Yes, we are Facebook friends (which is kind of stupid) but I think I've pretty much blocked him from contacting me even on FB. Right now I cant deal with it and even with hearing M tell me what he was saying, I couldn't stop from getting upset, literally with tears in my eyes- that's how insecure I felt and still feel about the situation.
Oh, and apparently, in trying to figure out if he should apologize (this was a few years ago), he told 3 of my other friends- only one who actually knew about my trich. So not only did he make me feel insecure, but he told other people- including one guy that i had been seeing on and off for a while. Great. Now I know they know. Yes, I'm telling people but I get to control who knows and who doesn't. I'm not going to lie - it makes me feel like shit.
I know I should forgive him and, to a certain extent, I do. But right now this is just one more stressful thing I cant deal with. My trial starts tomorrow (and my client is having meltdowns left and right which include screaming at me- he's not a nice guy) so I want to leave it for another day.
I will be the first to admit that I can hold a grudge like nobody's business. I don't necessarily like this quality about myself but I haven't truly mastered the art of forgiving and letting go (basically I can put up with a LOT but there is a line and once is crossed, I'm just done). I wish I could because I know I've done my share of mean and stupid things in life and I would hope people would forgive me. People change- I know I have- and I should give them the same courtesy I'd want them to give me. I just wish I knew how.........
D was the guy in college who had literally no tact. He wasn't a bad guy, he just didn't have any boundaries and didn't know when to keep his mouth shut. D and I sat next to each other in class one semester and he noticed I didn't have any eyelashes. He becane like a moth to a flame. He wouldn't stop staring and making comments about it. My biggest insecurity seemed to be his favorite topic. I told him it was because of medication I was on but I don't think he bought it. I avoided him as much as possible.
Flash forward to after college and my friend and I were throwing a big party in NYC (i was living in DC at the time). I was standing with some friends and he literally walked up, in a crowded bar, stood right next to me, and commented that my eyelashes were still missing. Needless to say that put a big damper on my night.
To this day I have disliked him. I know we all make mistakes and say stupid shit, but i have not been able to get over it. We don't see each other but we do have some friends in common. One of them being my friend M, who apparently he contacted today, saying that he knows M and I are friends, that he has always felt bad, that he thought I had eyelashes at the party and was going to comment on how great it was and that when he got close to me and realized I didn't have them, he just blurted it out. He told M he has felt disgusted and horrible ever since and that its one of his biggest regrets.
Here is where I'm kind of a jerk. I told M that I know people screw up and I'd be a hypocrite not to forgive him but I also told her I didn't want him to contact me. Not now. Probably not ever. Yes, we are Facebook friends (which is kind of stupid) but I think I've pretty much blocked him from contacting me even on FB. Right now I cant deal with it and even with hearing M tell me what he was saying, I couldn't stop from getting upset, literally with tears in my eyes- that's how insecure I felt and still feel about the situation.
Oh, and apparently, in trying to figure out if he should apologize (this was a few years ago), he told 3 of my other friends- only one who actually knew about my trich. So not only did he make me feel insecure, but he told other people- including one guy that i had been seeing on and off for a while. Great. Now I know they know. Yes, I'm telling people but I get to control who knows and who doesn't. I'm not going to lie - it makes me feel like shit.
I know I should forgive him and, to a certain extent, I do. But right now this is just one more stressful thing I cant deal with. My trial starts tomorrow (and my client is having meltdowns left and right which include screaming at me- he's not a nice guy) so I want to leave it for another day.
I will be the first to admit that I can hold a grudge like nobody's business. I don't necessarily like this quality about myself but I haven't truly mastered the art of forgiving and letting go (basically I can put up with a LOT but there is a line and once is crossed, I'm just done). I wish I could because I know I've done my share of mean and stupid things in life and I would hope people would forgive me. People change- I know I have- and I should give them the same courtesy I'd want them to give me. I just wish I knew how.........
Monday, April 5, 2010
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly
As great as Friday morning was, Friday night was a different story. I've been busy prepping for this big trial I have starting this week and stayed in to get some work done. About 9pm I received multiple emails from my boss, who tends to have BS revelations every so often on how best to "manage" the firm. He basically comes up with plans for meetings that are nothing but a huge waste of time and then he turns around and gets annoyed with us for not billing enough hours every month when we all know he has a tendency to grossly exaggerate his own time (never mind the fact that he really doesn't know how to handle a case on his own). This is one small example.
Anyway, after getting the latest emails about issues with my time from last month (i have been so busy i havent had time to update yet) and wanting early morning meetings (which would result in another huge waste of time for the meeting and now we cant go straight to court and have to waste more time traveling to/from the office and then to/from court)my anxiety level went through the roof. Before I knew what I was doing, I had pulled 4 eyelashes. I was so angry and annoyed with him, and so sick of all his clueless nonsense (and the fact he had to email all of us at 9pm on a Friday with that crap) that I went straight back to my old bad way of dealing with stress.
I know stress is going to happen and I definitely didnt handle it well. I can say I was tired and wasnt on guard but that cant be an excuse. I slipped and I have to accept my part in it but it made me really think about my current situation. My job is chaotic, there is no way around it, and for the most part I can deal with the client chaos. I just have had enough of my boss and his empty promises. I've stuck around for almost 3 years (and have been here longer than anyone else) while he has promised me my salary would improve when things got better. Really, it hasnt. All of the things I liked about the firm when I started here are gone. It's a different place and I have really been feeling devalued based upon the time and energy I have put into this place and what I'm getting out of it.
Soooo, it's time to move on. The economy sucks and obviously now isnt the best time to be job searching or starting a business but if I really want my life to improve, I've got to take some changes. The title of this post, a quote from Robert Kennedy, is very appropriate. My boss is never going to change and the stress he causes me will never go away- it's time I came to terms with that. Every time I think things are getting better, he comes up with some new idea that everyone, not just me, gets frustrated with. I wont let him be the reason I fail over trich. I can handle stress, usually quite well, but there must be a purpose to it, a goal for myself, not just putting money in his pocket.
On Saturday night, after going out for my friends birthday and talking with some great people who have made big career changes lately, I had a dream that I started up my own firm. I woke up so relieved until I realized it wasnt true. That's when I knew it was just time. Starting my own firm is so risky but I believe I can do it and there is never going to be a "perfect" time to take this chance.
Today I started my 6 month plan. I got up at 6am, went for a run, got to work early, and will spend at least 1 hour today working on a plan to get my own business up and going. I've read that if you spend an hour a day working towards a goal every day for 6 months, the odds are you can make it happen. In just under 6 months, on a Monday in September, I will turn 30. And that's the day I will quit my job.
I dont expect this to be an easy process, and I am sure that with the stress of this new adventure I will have plenty of urges, I just hope that the stress is good stress, the kind that will change my life and keep me on the right path. As I've mentioned, my struggle with trich has been a lifestyle change- a great one- and I need to continue that journey. I'm daring to achieve greatly and, although I'm admittedly terrified, I'm hopeful it can all work out.
Anyway, after getting the latest emails about issues with my time from last month (i have been so busy i havent had time to update yet) and wanting early morning meetings (which would result in another huge waste of time for the meeting and now we cant go straight to court and have to waste more time traveling to/from the office and then to/from court)my anxiety level went through the roof. Before I knew what I was doing, I had pulled 4 eyelashes. I was so angry and annoyed with him, and so sick of all his clueless nonsense (and the fact he had to email all of us at 9pm on a Friday with that crap) that I went straight back to my old bad way of dealing with stress.
I know stress is going to happen and I definitely didnt handle it well. I can say I was tired and wasnt on guard but that cant be an excuse. I slipped and I have to accept my part in it but it made me really think about my current situation. My job is chaotic, there is no way around it, and for the most part I can deal with the client chaos. I just have had enough of my boss and his empty promises. I've stuck around for almost 3 years (and have been here longer than anyone else) while he has promised me my salary would improve when things got better. Really, it hasnt. All of the things I liked about the firm when I started here are gone. It's a different place and I have really been feeling devalued based upon the time and energy I have put into this place and what I'm getting out of it.
Soooo, it's time to move on. The economy sucks and obviously now isnt the best time to be job searching or starting a business but if I really want my life to improve, I've got to take some changes. The title of this post, a quote from Robert Kennedy, is very appropriate. My boss is never going to change and the stress he causes me will never go away- it's time I came to terms with that. Every time I think things are getting better, he comes up with some new idea that everyone, not just me, gets frustrated with. I wont let him be the reason I fail over trich. I can handle stress, usually quite well, but there must be a purpose to it, a goal for myself, not just putting money in his pocket.
On Saturday night, after going out for my friends birthday and talking with some great people who have made big career changes lately, I had a dream that I started up my own firm. I woke up so relieved until I realized it wasnt true. That's when I knew it was just time. Starting my own firm is so risky but I believe I can do it and there is never going to be a "perfect" time to take this chance.
Today I started my 6 month plan. I got up at 6am, went for a run, got to work early, and will spend at least 1 hour today working on a plan to get my own business up and going. I've read that if you spend an hour a day working towards a goal every day for 6 months, the odds are you can make it happen. In just under 6 months, on a Monday in September, I will turn 30. And that's the day I will quit my job.
I dont expect this to be an easy process, and I am sure that with the stress of this new adventure I will have plenty of urges, I just hope that the stress is good stress, the kind that will change my life and keep me on the right path. As I've mentioned, my struggle with trich has been a lifestyle change- a great one- and I need to continue that journey. I'm daring to achieve greatly and, although I'm admittedly terrified, I'm hopeful it can all work out.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Good morning
Last night I hung out with this guy I've been friends with since college. I'd always had a small crush on him but had dated one of his fraternity brothers for several years so I figured it was a closed door. Also, after college we usually live extremely far away from each other so it seemed like would never be anything more than a college crush (we did hang out once or twice over the years, the last time about 5 years ago when I was in California).
He moved back to NYC in August to go to grad school and we reconnected (thank you Facebook). We hung out a few times in December although I was dating the jerk/adulterer Italian guy and, at the time, was pretty happy in that relationship so nothing ever progressed. It just so happened that immediately after things with the Italian fell apart, this other guy asked me to hang out(and yes, I really do refer to the jerk as "the Italian"- its not the most creative nickname my friends and I have come up with but he was literally from Italy so it just became his nickname -although now that's the nicest name I have for him).
College guy couldnt be more different from the Italian (although he is also Italian but not "off the boat") and he was slow to make a move. It always stayed pretty casual and, to be honest, we had both been so busy the last few weeks we barely spoke. Anyway, this week he called and wanted to get together.
Last night we went out for drinks, played some beirut (or beer pong depending on where you live and went to school) and then went back to my apartment to watch a movie. By the time the movie was over, and admittedly we did some PG-13 hooking up, he was pretty tired and somehow hinted at staying. In the past he'd asked me to stay at his place but I always left- figuring it was a good way to keep it casual and because I have always been so freaked out at the idea of waking up at a guys place and exposing my "secret". I think he must have sensed my hesitation because he flat out asked me if I was kicking him out and then I felt guilty so I said of course he could stay (i mean, we have been friends for 10 years and its not like I was worried about something happening between us).
This morning was fabulous. For the first time I didnt wake up in the middle of the night to fix my make up, nor did I spend most of the night sleepless, worrying that I had to get up before him to make sure my eyeliner was intact. I didnt worry that my pseudo-eyebrows would rub off in the night on my pillow. I slept well and in the morning the only thing I was worried about was whether or not I had morning breath, something quite a bit more common than missing eyebrows and eyelashes. Although he was slow to make a move originally, and I was worrying he was even less affectionate than I am, he was very cuddly this morning and it was nice to just be able to enjoy the attention, to just relax and not feel completely self conscious.
I wish I could say that all of these positive things have kept me from having urges but it is still difficult. Most of the time its still a conscious effort to keep myself from pulling and the urges, while they are certainly less frequent, are still there and can still be incredibly strong. I just keep hoping that the more I keep having positive experiences, and basically enjoying this new 'lifestyle', the easier it will be to manage my trich. For now, I'm just happy that I'm getting to have these experiences and positive interactions since there were many, many years I never thought it was possible. :)
Thanks for reading and have a wonderful, pull-free weekend!
He moved back to NYC in August to go to grad school and we reconnected (thank you Facebook). We hung out a few times in December although I was dating the jerk/adulterer Italian guy and, at the time, was pretty happy in that relationship so nothing ever progressed. It just so happened that immediately after things with the Italian fell apart, this other guy asked me to hang out(and yes, I really do refer to the jerk as "the Italian"- its not the most creative nickname my friends and I have come up with but he was literally from Italy so it just became his nickname -although now that's the nicest name I have for him).
College guy couldnt be more different from the Italian (although he is also Italian but not "off the boat") and he was slow to make a move. It always stayed pretty casual and, to be honest, we had both been so busy the last few weeks we barely spoke. Anyway, this week he called and wanted to get together.
Last night we went out for drinks, played some beirut (or beer pong depending on where you live and went to school) and then went back to my apartment to watch a movie. By the time the movie was over, and admittedly we did some PG-13 hooking up, he was pretty tired and somehow hinted at staying. In the past he'd asked me to stay at his place but I always left- figuring it was a good way to keep it casual and because I have always been so freaked out at the idea of waking up at a guys place and exposing my "secret". I think he must have sensed my hesitation because he flat out asked me if I was kicking him out and then I felt guilty so I said of course he could stay (i mean, we have been friends for 10 years and its not like I was worried about something happening between us).
This morning was fabulous. For the first time I didnt wake up in the middle of the night to fix my make up, nor did I spend most of the night sleepless, worrying that I had to get up before him to make sure my eyeliner was intact. I didnt worry that my pseudo-eyebrows would rub off in the night on my pillow. I slept well and in the morning the only thing I was worried about was whether or not I had morning breath, something quite a bit more common than missing eyebrows and eyelashes. Although he was slow to make a move originally, and I was worrying he was even less affectionate than I am, he was very cuddly this morning and it was nice to just be able to enjoy the attention, to just relax and not feel completely self conscious.
I wish I could say that all of these positive things have kept me from having urges but it is still difficult. Most of the time its still a conscious effort to keep myself from pulling and the urges, while they are certainly less frequent, are still there and can still be incredibly strong. I just keep hoping that the more I keep having positive experiences, and basically enjoying this new 'lifestyle', the easier it will be to manage my trich. For now, I'm just happy that I'm getting to have these experiences and positive interactions since there were many, many years I never thought it was possible. :)
Thanks for reading and have a wonderful, pull-free weekend!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Have you always had eyelashes?
When I was in Florida a few weeks ago I had a chance to see a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in years. He and I are very close but life had taken us in different (physical) directions so getting together had been tough since we graduated from college. He has been living in Florida for a while and we finally made plans to hang out the night I was in West Palm Beach.
Just to give a little background, he and I became friends in college and he had a reputation for being a bit of a flirt- in fact, I think he hooked up with quite a few girls in my sorority (yes, i was in a sorority- not my proudest moments). Anyway, at some point we began an on-again off-again relationship where we were basically friends with benefits. We would go through periods where we would just be friends and then we'd both be bored and hook up again- at one point I was even dating his roommate (dont ask). Junior year we hung out, with another two friends, literally every night and would smoke, drink, watch movies, listen to music and just do typical college stuff.
Needless to say we had an unusual relationship but I can truly say that he is, and probably always will be, one of my favorite friends. We can pick up just where we left off, we motivate each other to want to be better and we talk about almost everything. No matter where life takes us, he will have a special place in my heart.
I give you the background primarily so that you can understand how much time we spent together. When we were in Florida a few weeks ago, after a number of drinks, he turned to me and said "Kimmie, I need to ask you something. I feel like I'm going crazy but I have to ask" (1. very few people are allowed to call me kimmie, and 2.obviously this got my attention). He then followed with "have you always had eyelashes?"
I was caught a little off guard but was so happy he noticed and that he asked. He said he felt horrible and uncomfortable asking me but I assured him it was okay, that I felt good talking about it. He said that he had noticed when they were missing, particularly considering our "relationship" and the time we spent together, but he never thought much about it. In fact, he said he equated it to him having flat feet- some people just have different features and I just happened to not have eyelashes (remember, this is after quite a lot of drinking).
Next he told me that when he was younger he used to pull his eyebrows. It didn't continue into adulthood but once again, I was left feeling surprised at how many people have a form of trich or something similar. Not only did this make me motivated to keep up the progress I've made with trich but it made me a little sad for all the years I spent feeling like a freak, like someone that people looked at and judged me based on the fact I didnt have eyelashes. There will always be some jerk who does treat you like a freak, but if I've learned anything the last few months, it's really that people are much more understanding and less judgmental then we give them credit for. Once we stop judging and stop assuming how people will react, we can feel better about ourselves and have healthier relationships. Now I just wish I'd told him years ago.
Just to give a little background, he and I became friends in college and he had a reputation for being a bit of a flirt- in fact, I think he hooked up with quite a few girls in my sorority (yes, i was in a sorority- not my proudest moments). Anyway, at some point we began an on-again off-again relationship where we were basically friends with benefits. We would go through periods where we would just be friends and then we'd both be bored and hook up again- at one point I was even dating his roommate (dont ask). Junior year we hung out, with another two friends, literally every night and would smoke, drink, watch movies, listen to music and just do typical college stuff.
Needless to say we had an unusual relationship but I can truly say that he is, and probably always will be, one of my favorite friends. We can pick up just where we left off, we motivate each other to want to be better and we talk about almost everything. No matter where life takes us, he will have a special place in my heart.
I give you the background primarily so that you can understand how much time we spent together. When we were in Florida a few weeks ago, after a number of drinks, he turned to me and said "Kimmie, I need to ask you something. I feel like I'm going crazy but I have to ask" (1. very few people are allowed to call me kimmie, and 2.obviously this got my attention). He then followed with "have you always had eyelashes?"
I was caught a little off guard but was so happy he noticed and that he asked. He said he felt horrible and uncomfortable asking me but I assured him it was okay, that I felt good talking about it. He said that he had noticed when they were missing, particularly considering our "relationship" and the time we spent together, but he never thought much about it. In fact, he said he equated it to him having flat feet- some people just have different features and I just happened to not have eyelashes (remember, this is after quite a lot of drinking).
Next he told me that when he was younger he used to pull his eyebrows. It didn't continue into adulthood but once again, I was left feeling surprised at how many people have a form of trich or something similar. Not only did this make me motivated to keep up the progress I've made with trich but it made me a little sad for all the years I spent feeling like a freak, like someone that people looked at and judged me based on the fact I didnt have eyelashes. There will always be some jerk who does treat you like a freak, but if I've learned anything the last few months, it's really that people are much more understanding and less judgmental then we give them credit for. Once we stop judging and stop assuming how people will react, we can feel better about ourselves and have healthier relationships. Now I just wish I'd told him years ago.
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