Turning 30 and new goals for month 2.

Turning 30 wasn't as bad as I expected. Most of my friends were a bit ahead of me and some of them were really having a hard time so I was prepared for kicking and screaming. It really feels just like 29. The night before I had an hour or two where I mourned the loss of my 20's, but then I realized that it's kind of like getting a fresh start and I should just embrace it and be happy with where I am in my life at the moment.

The last week was great. Boy 1 and I went to Pennsylvania and went white water rafting, cave rappelling, hiking- basically just enjoyed some quiet time outside of NYC. I wasnt sure how 5 days away together would go but it was fine. The thing I'm having the hardest time with is deciding what qualities I'm really looking for in the person I could end up with. As I mentioned, he and boy 2 (who has taken a definite back seat but who is still pursuing) couldnt be more different. Boy 1 is extremely quiet and doesnt show a lot of emotion- good emotion or bad really. He is very content but so incredibly nice, truthworthy and just very genuine. But I'm a talkative and extremely motivated person- can the two work together? Maybe I need someone that isnt a type A like I am, but will that work? Ugh, I hate these decisions.

On another note, it is time to initiate month 2's goals. i want to add to month 1, so month 1's goals are still in effect, especially the exercise which i really need to step up. But I'm still not smoking, I'm sleeping better, sticking to my nighttime face-washing regiment, and basically not pulling (still nothing on my eyelashes although i pulled a few eyebrows last night when I was tired and driving around looking for parking- extremely aggravated and just started pulling).

Month 2 Goals:

1. Budget my finances- this is something that causes me a lot of stress. Between my student loans and just general bills I am horrible with finances and often live beyond my means and then will be up at night worrying about how to pay for everything. That needs to end- for my credit (which took a hit about 2 years ago after my student loans were 60 days late) and for my peace of mind. This month I'm going to work on fixing my old credit issues, coming up with a manageable budget and a plan for saving money. Stress results in pulling and I cant take that chance.

2. Be grateful- There are so many things in life that I tend to take for granted. Yes, I am extremely grateful for what I have and the opportunities I have been given, but I need to learn to be more content with my life as it is. I'm hoping this will also help me to relax a bit and learn to live in the moment instead of always looking ahead. I want to come up with 3 things every day, big or small, that I am grateful for in my life and at least one good thing that happened that day. Again, anxiety results in me slipping and I need to be more grateful for the little things, like the 30 days I haven't pulled an eyelash, so that when something hard or bad happens, I don't lose control.

3. Eat healthier and more natural foods- I have read a lot about food and its possible effect on trich over the last nine months or so and it certainly seems that there is a correlation between eating healthier and pulling less. Specifically, I've read (and found from my own mini-trials) that drinking less caffeine (which I now do) and eating less processed sugar, along with other dietary changes, can make a big difference in battling trich successfully. So it is time to give up my cupcakes and my snack foods and really eat healthier (after quitting smoking I could also now use to drop about 5 pounds). I am going to try and eat more fruits and vegetables, spend more time at farmers markets (mainly because I always LOVE very fresh food and would be more inclined to eat it) and generally limit the amount of processed foods that I eat.

So that's it- on top of last months goals I am adding these 3 new goals. Here's to month 2 and a healthy and happy 30th year! Bye bye 20's!

See you next week!

To celebrate a month of being pull free, and the end of my 20's, I'm taking a little adventure trip with guy #1. The last month has been a really good time for me, not just with trich, but really focusing on dealing with my own thoughts and reflecting on the past decade and what lies ahead (what I want with my life, at least for the near future). I figured a trip out of the city, away from noise and distractions, to have some fun and be active would be the perfect way to start and end things. So we are off. I hope if you are reading this you are having a pull free day (or forgiving yourself for pulling, picking up and moving forward) and I will see you next week!

Hormones, Sex and Trich

Following my post the other day I decided that telling my sister about the lack of any urge to pull my eyelashes wouldn't cause a big disastrous set back. Her response "maybe because you've been having a lot more sex lately?" Needless to say, it did get me thinking.....

Looking back on the past 9 months or so it really does seem that the more sex I am having the better I tend to do with trich. Maybe it's because when I'm seeing someone my personal life at least feels pretty good but I'm not sure that would be the explanation since I'm also pretty happy being single (and happen to be one of those people that LOVES alone time and having independence).

The last year or two I've noticed that the rumor about your sex drive improving as you hit 30 might really be true. For a long time I wasn't a very sexual person, it would end up being more of relationship "maintenance" then something I really enjoyed. That's definitely changed. So that brings me to the question of whether as you age and your hormones change it can be easier to battle trich? I'm not really sure but it something I definitely plan on looking into a bit more. Maybe its also the combination of sex, sleep, and exercise? Now I'm just throwing ideas out there (and I will just note here that even two months ago, when i was regularly having sex, I was still struggling with trich so at this point its just a general, albeit personal, observation).

Anyway, that's my random thought of the day and when I have some downtime I will do some research and post whatever I can come up with.

On another note, today marks 4 weeks of no smoking! Yay! Definitely feeling SO much better and I have also been sticking to all my regular goals of getting more (and better) sleep, exercising more regularly, sticking to a night time face washing regime, etc. Now its time to think of my goals for the next month! (and I'm finding that setting monthly goals as opposed to long term ones with no definitive end is really helping me stick to them). :)

30 Reasons to Stop Pulling

After my earlier post it really sunk in that I am about to turn 30 and will have had this disease for 22 years. That is a really long time, longer then I've ever done anything I can really think of. So, I decided now was as good of a time as any to really look back on all the reasons I have compiled these last few months (plus a few that I added and a few that were reader-suggested) and put them all in one post so, if I was having an urge, I could easily pull up the list and remind myself all the reasons I have wanted to stop. So, here they are........

Reason #1 to stop pulling -the feeling that you have to run to the bathroom when hooking up with a guy to make sure the eyeliner is still in place so he doesnt easily see what is missing.

Reasons #2 - Rain (and swimming, and anything that has to do with water since you never know how it will leave your make up and that feeling in the bottom of your stomach when you are out, you cant fix your make up, and you wonder how bad it is).

Reason #3: Pictures/closeups which seem to make the lack of eyelashes that much more apparent.

Reason #4: Camping/outdoor excursions- (I LOVE the outdoors but always hold back on going on trips where I know I will be around others but will have to come up with an excuse as to why i'm fixing my make up on a nature hike!)

Reason #5- crowded situations where you are forced to talk to people very close up and become extremely self conscious.

Reason # 6- feeling powerless that something has so much control over who I am, what I do, and how I live my life.

Reason # 7- the wrinkles that are appearing on my forehead (i'm 29!) because I always raise my eyebrows when stroking my eyelashes and feeling for what I will be trying to pick/not pick next- over the years I think I've spent so much time lifting my eyebrows to pluck my eyebrows that I'm getting premature awful wrinkles.

Reason #8- the fear of bright spots/locations.

Reason #9 - the anxiety of realizing I’m somewhere without my eyeliner.

Reason #10- being filmed where I cant control the views and close ups that are taken.

Reason #11- the dark circles that will often appear around my eyes as a result of wearing eyeliner (which smudges) with no eyelashes.

Reason #12- the need to always wear make up to hide the signs of trich

Reason #13- always feeling self conscious that people are aware of your 'secret'

Reason #14 -the unnecessary anxiety that is created when I feel a hair that is "out of place" and cant stop obsessing about it. Who needs extra anxiety in their life?

Reason #15- the scars that have developed on my body that will forever be a constant reminder of my trich and the embarrassment over having to try and explain where they came from.

Reason #16- all the bullshit stories I’ve told to “explain” why I have no eyebrows or eyelashes and the crappy way lying makes me feel.

Reason #17- the time/energy wasted on trying to cover up my trich.

Reason #18 (thanks to a reader)- feeling of failure-wanting to stop so desperately and trying but still one day wind up pulling again.

Reason #19 (also thanks to a reader)- Want to control your own life rather than feeling like Trich controls everything you do

Reason #20 - never learning how to actually use make up for its intended purpose since that would have required having a stranger too close to my face.

Reason #21- if trich can be genetic, I need to know how to stop so that I will be able to help my child and so he/she wont spent as much time suffering from this disease as I have.

Reason #22- years of pictures that I hate to look at because of missing eyelashes/eyebrows and/or really bad make up when I tried to cover up my trich.

Reason #23- the fear of getting something in my eyes (which isnt hard when you have no lashes and live in NYC) and not being able to have someone else look into my eye and see where that something is (and the worry of whether it will mess up my make up and i wont have time to fix it before people notice).

Reason #24- relationship issues caused by trich (hard to really be close to someone when you are hesitant to often be physically close for fear that they will uncover your 'secret' and end the relationship)

Reason #25- networking functions requiring close talking

Reason #26- years of time wasted on worrying about what others might think about my trich.

Reason #27- that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that arises when someone unexpectedly notices or comments about my missing hair.

Reason #28 - need to be able to "bat those lashes" on command - never know when you'll be asked.

Reason #29- the fear of dying with no eyelashes (not even dying itself, just dying with no eyelashes and everyone noticing then- this may sound crazy, I know)

Reason #30- not wanting to feel like I’m doing well, not pulling, and then failing again which makes you feel even worse then just the pulling again.

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Sadly, these are not even all the reasons I could probably come up with which would serve as reminders as to why I hate this disease so much. The list would probably go on and on and if I was trying to make a pro/con list, like I do with so many things, the "list of reasons to pull" would be blank.

Knock on wood- this may sound crazy.....

The weirdest thing has happened. I have no desire to pull my eyelashes. I didnt want to say anything before but I dont even have urges to pull them and it's been that way since I quit smoking. The urge to pull my eyebrows is still there, although not as strong, but for over 3 weeks I've wanted nothing to do with my eyelashes, even the "out of place" ones. I'm so happy that they are back, almost completely at this point, but I'm very freaked out about the feeling that the urges seem to have gone away. I know I still cant let my guard down, that this very possibly won't last, but I'm happy with it for now and it makes not pulling my eyebrows a little bit easier somehow. Can this really happen?

Years ago my mother told me that one day she had just stopped pulling. She had not pulled for as long as I had, not even close- maybe a year- and that she pulled out all her eyelashes and then basically just stopped. She said once in a while she would get a small urge to pull but nothing she couldn't fight off. I thought it was bullshit to be honest. My cousin suffered from trich for close to 12 years and I'm coming up on 22 years. That sounds insane seeing it again on paper. I have been pulling out my hair for 22 years. More then 2 decades. My 20's were not easy for some many reasons but I'm determined to make my 30's (which start next week!) better.

I also must confess that I have not really been pulling from other areas which I normally obsess over also (belly button region, the occasional dark chest hair, the pubic region) but don't spend as much time focusing on because no one can really see them anyway while my eyebrows and eyelashes are obviously very visible. Normally I shave almost everything just so that I'm not constantly pulling but again, I just haven't really felt the need to over the last few weeks. Yes, I am more inclined to pull from other areas and still occasionally do but even that has significantly decreased.

I'm really terrified to publish this post. I'm afraid that as soon as I do, the urges will come back threefold. This cant happen. This doesn't happen, does it? No way. It's got to come back which should be obvious as I still love the outer eyebrow hairs and the feel of tugging them out. I'm certainly not letting up fighting it but I'll take whatever help I can get right now.........

Not just my hair

Do you ever become fixated on other peoples lashes or eyebrows? The hairs that they have that seem "out of place" or "different"? Ever want to pull their hairs badly too?

For years I have not just been obsessed with my own out of place or different hairs but those of other people. For example, I remember a friend of mine had a white eyelash on her left eye about a year ago and whenever I saw her, I would just stare at the hair, thinking of how much I would need to pull it out if I was her. Each time we got together I would look for the hair to see if she still had it.

The guy I've been dating has a few of these hairs also. He has one super long eyelash, one "out of place" and super light eyebrow hairs, and three white chest hairs (that I have now named- I know that might sound crazy- I even told him I named them (he doesnt know about my trich yet)). Anyway, we spent a lot of time together this weekend and it got me thinking about how much time I spend noticing other people's hair.

I'll also admit, as ashamed as I am to say this, that I once became so focused on a half black-half white whisker that my cat had that I pulled it out. I felt so awful afterward and didn't do it again but at that point, which was a few years ago, I knew I had to really start owning up to the control this disease had on me. I've since read that while not completely common, this can happen with people suffering from trich (not that it makes me feel better about it). I've actually never told anyone about that until now. Once again, have to love the guilt and shame that trich brings to our life (insert sarcasm).

I'm extremely aware of people on the subway with bushy eyebrows, penciled in eyebrows, lots of mascara, random hairs, you name it, I focus on it. It would be easy to say that this is a new obsession that had started since I really became focused on my own struggle with trich but this is the way it's been for years.

Anyway, that's my "issue of the day" I suppose. Tomorrow is my official "three week mark" and I plan on celebrating with a guilt-free vanilla with chocolate icing cupcake from my favorite cupcake shop in NYC (if you are ever in NYC you have to try one- it's MUCH better than Magnolia or Crumbs and I consider myself an unofficial cupcake testing expert)

Forging Ahead and Changing Routines

It's been almost 3 weeks since I started my month long quest and honestly things are going pretty well. Last night I was looking in the mirror for really the first time in a while and was amazed at how good my eyelashes looked. My eyebrows seem to take longer to come in and they are still pretty thin but my eyelashes look great and I'm back to really only needing a tiny bit of eyeliner and a bit of mascara to make them look "normal". Awesome.

The short update: I have not smoked at all and honestly dont even want to. The exercising took a little hiatus last week as I've been battling a horrible summer cold (and when you stop smoking you put on a few pounds which I have definitely done- about 5 maybe so I desperately need to start working out again- hopefully tomorrow), I've been sleeping MUCH better and despite what could be a pretty stressful time I'm doing shockingly well thanks to changing all my routines. I swear that has been the key.

It seems that when I tend to get into a good routine, particularly at night, where I sit and relax or watch TV, I tend to not be on guard enough with trich and find myself pulling. I think it's important, for me at least, to keep switching it up. When I find I"m getting too comfortable I need to somehow do things differently. Whether its watching TV in bed rather than on the sofa, or moving to a different area of my apartment, reading before bed, just something, it makes a big difference for me and I tend not to pull as much. And when I do get an urge, GETTING UP seems to really help. My fall back is cleaning- if I need to do something to keep myself distracted for 20 minutes or so (which is about how long it really takes the urge to subside just a bit) i'll tackle a closet, a cabinet, my fridge, something. But that's just what works for me these days and I know how easily trich can come up and bite me back in the ass. I'm just hoping to get through each day.