In the past week my eyelashes have certainly received a break and I haven't picked one but my left eyebrow still doesn't exist and the right one is about the same as it's been for a while- too thin and short with very little hair. The little stubby hairs that come in, and they come in surprisingly fast, make me so anxious and I can not leave them alone and touch them incessantly. Now that I don't have the tweezers, my beloved and hated tweezers, I have resorted back to hands and even, shamefully, scissors at one point. Yes, scissors, just so I can relieve myself of the anxiety and get the damn stubby hairs out.
I have 21 days until Jamaica. 21 days to get myself together and stop this nonsense so that I can swim and be in the sun without worrying that my eyebrows are disappearing and/or extremely and noticeably absent. The pilates has been helping but work is so stressful right now that I allow myself the bullshit excuses. So I will just continue to try and fight my way through the next 21 days.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
New Month, New Resolve (or so I hope), New Picture
Making it 24 hours has been harder then I thought and the last few days have been far from successful. There is something about the start of a new month (which ends in a trip to Jamaica) that I hope holds some promise.
The tweezer is now gone (about damn time) and i have picked at the skin on my pointer finger, the one with the permanent indentation, that I generally use to pull so now that is harder and painful (whatever works). I dont think the stress has been helping and lately I find that I'm also grinding my teeth and have been more tired than usual. I'm trying to address those issues which I know impact my pulling. Exercise has been almost impossible because my back has been bad but last week I tried pilates and it was WONDERFUL. It's sadly too expensive to do all the time but, as life might have it, yesterday we picked up a decent case so I'm just taking a few hundred dollars and buying a pilates package- it is more than I would normally spend but if it helps me feel better and in turn stop pulling then it's worth it. I need to address the stress in my life if I'm going to ever start making progress again with trich.
So my next trial class is today at 4:00 and then I am just going to take the money and pick one of the two pilates places I've tried- money be damned right now. If I have to give up on going out one night a week so I can do pilates twice a week for the next few weeks then the trade off is worth it. At least it is a start. That plus throwing out the tweezers I hope will help me start heading in the right direction..... and now to put aside the shame and show you my no-make up photo of the week (very scary- i have NEVER shown anyone before!)
The tweezer is now gone (about damn time) and i have picked at the skin on my pointer finger, the one with the permanent indentation, that I generally use to pull so now that is harder and painful (whatever works). I dont think the stress has been helping and lately I find that I'm also grinding my teeth and have been more tired than usual. I'm trying to address those issues which I know impact my pulling. Exercise has been almost impossible because my back has been bad but last week I tried pilates and it was WONDERFUL. It's sadly too expensive to do all the time but, as life might have it, yesterday we picked up a decent case so I'm just taking a few hundred dollars and buying a pilates package- it is more than I would normally spend but if it helps me feel better and in turn stop pulling then it's worth it. I need to address the stress in my life if I'm going to ever start making progress again with trich.
So my next trial class is today at 4:00 and then I am just going to take the money and pick one of the two pilates places I've tried- money be damned right now. If I have to give up on going out one night a week so I can do pilates twice a week for the next few weeks then the trade off is worth it. At least it is a start. That plus throwing out the tweezers I hope will help me start heading in the right direction..... and now to put aside the shame and show you my no-make up photo of the week (very scary- i have NEVER shown anyone before!)
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Awareness
It has been 24 hours since my last post and I've pulled 1 eyebrow and 1 eyelash. It was in the morning when I was thinking about my day and not paying much attention to what I was doing. At first, I was able to resist, catch myself, and not pull. Five minutes later they were gone. After a few deep breaths and reminding myself that I can do this, I got up, walked around, and havent pulled since.
It's a start. Not a great start but at least I'm more conscious of my actions so now I will try and go 24 hours without pulling any of them. This will clearly be a daily struggle (again) for a while.
It's a start. Not a great start but at least I'm more conscious of my actions so now I will try and go 24 hours without pulling any of them. This will clearly be a daily struggle (again) for a while.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Proof is in the photo
So here it is. Granted I have make up on (and not a good job with it today) and my bottom lashes, which are the most visible, look pretty good but trust me even this picture with my non-existent eyebrows dont do justice to how bad it really is. But I'm showing you anyway. Have to start somewhere.
A long hiatus
Wow. I had no idea how long I had been MIA. I'm sorry. It's funny (not haha funny) but the worse I am doing with my trich the less I write on my blog. Whether its embarassment, denial, exhaustion, I just dont know.
Needless to say, these last few months have not been my finest. I'm not really sure where it all went wrong but I've sucked. As I type this, I have a total of maybe 5 eyebrow hairs remaining on my left eye and the right one is thin to the point of being nonexistent. My eyelashes have not survived the last few months too well either. I still have eyelashes but I am back to drawing them in so they look fuller.
I've admittedly been lazy and the old habit of making excuses, really more like just flat out lying to myself about how bad things are, is clearly back in full force. Lately I can't make it more than a day without pulling. My self confidence is down, my guard is back up about anyone getting too close, it just sucks.
Over the next few months I have a lot going on. In just over a month my loving and supportive boyfriend and I will be going to Jamaica for a week of rest and relaxation. Jamaica involves water, swimming, bright lights, heat and sweating- none of which are easy against the rage of trich. How wonderful it would be to go back to those few months where I was carefree about all those things, when my eyelashes and eyebrows looked so great that I did not need to worry. Following Jamaica will be a big trial with a LOT of press coverage- yet another "should be" major incentive.
I can (and have) make a thousand excuses. I can also list 100 reasons why "now is a hard time to stop". It's bullshit. There is never a good or bad time- I just need to stop, it's not going to happen magically or become I will it to be so. It's only a possibility if I take control of the situation. So right now I pledge to make it until tomorrow. And then I will move on from there. Luck, prayers, and support are greatly appreciated as always :)
Hope you are all doing better than I am!
Needless to say, these last few months have not been my finest. I'm not really sure where it all went wrong but I've sucked. As I type this, I have a total of maybe 5 eyebrow hairs remaining on my left eye and the right one is thin to the point of being nonexistent. My eyelashes have not survived the last few months too well either. I still have eyelashes but I am back to drawing them in so they look fuller.
I've admittedly been lazy and the old habit of making excuses, really more like just flat out lying to myself about how bad things are, is clearly back in full force. Lately I can't make it more than a day without pulling. My self confidence is down, my guard is back up about anyone getting too close, it just sucks.
Over the next few months I have a lot going on. In just over a month my loving and supportive boyfriend and I will be going to Jamaica for a week of rest and relaxation. Jamaica involves water, swimming, bright lights, heat and sweating- none of which are easy against the rage of trich. How wonderful it would be to go back to those few months where I was carefree about all those things, when my eyelashes and eyebrows looked so great that I did not need to worry. Following Jamaica will be a big trial with a LOT of press coverage- yet another "should be" major incentive.
I can (and have) make a thousand excuses. I can also list 100 reasons why "now is a hard time to stop". It's bullshit. There is never a good or bad time- I just need to stop, it's not going to happen magically or become I will it to be so. It's only a possibility if I take control of the situation. So right now I pledge to make it until tomorrow. And then I will move on from there. Luck, prayers, and support are greatly appreciated as always :)
Hope you are all doing better than I am!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Seasonal Funk
The urges to pull are often worse than usual when I'm feeling anxious and unhappy. Then pulling makes those feelings even worse so it all seems to feed onto itself. I'm not even sure that feeling the stubbly hairs make me any calmer but maybe I do it more so that my anxious energy is focused on something else. I wish I had a better understanding of how it works but in the past I've tried charting when I pull most and how I'm feeling at that time and I never noticed any striking patterns.
This week has been sucky. It started last weekend with an incredibly horrible and depressing trip to Florida where my mom and I broke the news to my grandparents that they had to go into a nursing home. They were so sad. We then set about the horribly depressing task of looking at nursing homes which is just awful. Even our flight home with multiple screaming children was awful.
After I returned home I couldnt shake this unhappy feeling. I took a day off from work and being around people (not easy in NYC so basically I just stayed in my apartment and watched movies) but even that didn't help. Then came the over hyped hurricane which fortunately didnt hit our area as badly as weatherman were claiming. Two days stuck inside a little apartment also didnt help.
Now it's almost September. My sister has said that she starts getting anxious around this time of year. Perhaps its knowing that the nice weather is coming to an end, the summer is almost over and we have another long winter ahead. Perhaps it is knowing that 9/11 is right around the corner- the nonstop coverage certainly doesnt help and brings back a lot of painful memories. Or maybe it's just not meeting my summer goals with weight loss and trich. Maybe a combination. Either way, nothing is helping.
Friday, August 26, 2011
One year compared to barely one day
Last week I hit one year of not smoking but yet I am having trouble going one day without pulling my eyebrows. It's those damn short stubby ones I have trouble with- the others are generally okay. Sadly, this means they never grow because I pull out the stubs before they are worth anything. It's a horrible cycle.
Some people say that quitting smoking is the hardest thing, or one of the hardest, they have ever done but clearly those people don't have trich. For me, quitting smoking was a piece of cake compared to my daily struggle with trich.
Maybe I'm slacking, I've been so focused and busy with work that everything else has taken a back seat. I know that is just an excuse and that with anything, excuses get you nowhere. My boyfriend and I planned a romantic trip in the Caribbean and will be leaving on November 30- I want to have all my hair back by then. That's my goal. I don't want to be worried about the bright lights or about my makeup washing off in the water. I didn't make it work this summer and that was a shame, but it's good to have goals. I have to stop being lazy, stop making excuses, and make this happen. As if i haven't said that 100 times before. Any tips?
Some people say that quitting smoking is the hardest thing, or one of the hardest, they have ever done but clearly those people don't have trich. For me, quitting smoking was a piece of cake compared to my daily struggle with trich.
Maybe I'm slacking, I've been so focused and busy with work that everything else has taken a back seat. I know that is just an excuse and that with anything, excuses get you nowhere. My boyfriend and I planned a romantic trip in the Caribbean and will be leaving on November 30- I want to have all my hair back by then. That's my goal. I don't want to be worried about the bright lights or about my makeup washing off in the water. I didn't make it work this summer and that was a shame, but it's good to have goals. I have to stop being lazy, stop making excuses, and make this happen. As if i haven't said that 100 times before. Any tips?
Friday, July 29, 2011
24 Hours Down
24 hours and have not pulled. That eyelash still wants to be pulled so badly and from playing with over the week it it is now a little crooked which only makes not pulling it that much harder. Trying to stay strong. Now onto the next 24 hours although the weekends are a bit easier for me not to pull than the weekdays.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Day 1.
The hair is still there. I want to pull it so bad. Instead, I pulled 3 stubby eyebrow hairs and I'm so frustrated with myself. Yesterday i was working from home and someone knocked on my door before I had put my make up on (aka painted in my eyebrows) and I freaked out. That feeling is awful and I remember the short time when I didnt have to worry about my make up and how freeing it was. Time to get back to that place. Right now is the first minute of Day 1. I just need to make it to Day 2.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Battle with that one hair
You know that one hair, the one that is kind of keeping a spot from being completely bald, that you just cant stop touching? Ugh. I have one of those right now- it's been 4 days since i noticed it and have not pulled it but i want to so, so bad. The rest of my eyelashes are looking fantastic but that one spot that I pulled from earlier in the month is not filled in yet and if I pull this one hair it will leave the spot looking a lot sparser. At least now I can use mascara and eyeliner enough to lump them all together so the spot doesnt look so bare. It is begging me to pull it but I can't give in!
Have you ever just rubbed a hair back and forth in your fingers hoping that it just comes out on its own so you dont feel the guilt? I did that last night. i didnt pull but it's almost like you want that hair to loosen up or something and just 'naturally' fall out. I am able to rationalize and make so many excuses with my trich.
My eyebrows are still suffering but my eyelashes are good. With my eyebrows it's those stubby little hairs that I can't resist. So sick of this disease. NEED TO STOP PULLING COMPLETELY. Enough already!
Have you ever just rubbed a hair back and forth in your fingers hoping that it just comes out on its own so you dont feel the guilt? I did that last night. i didnt pull but it's almost like you want that hair to loosen up or something and just 'naturally' fall out. I am able to rationalize and make so many excuses with my trich.
My eyebrows are still suffering but my eyelashes are good. With my eyebrows it's those stubby little hairs that I can't resist. So sick of this disease. NEED TO STOP PULLING COMPLETELY. Enough already!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Summer hair
Summer is a hard time to be without hair. That should be incentive enough for me to stop pulling but it just doesnt seem to have done the trick. What the hell is going on? I'm trying so hard to figure out patterns of when I pull the most but I cant seem to notice anything other than I just like to pull. It's relaxing. Pulling a hair can be so satisfying. And then you feel like shit.
On a positive note last week my hair stylist stated that hair tends to grow much faster in warmer weather. Hello small silver lining. So at least if i pull it out now it will grow back a bit faster. ha. I need to stop. I WANT to stop. Do i just not want it bad enough? I've really had enough. Dont you wish there was just a magic pill that could help us? Sure, we have a pill to help old men get erections but we cant come up with a pill to help all of us that feel self conscious every day because we pull our hair. Maybe we need to speak up more, make the drug companies see what a market their is, how much money they could make. Until then, we need to figure out a way to stop the damn pulling. Grrr....
On a positive note last week my hair stylist stated that hair tends to grow much faster in warmer weather. Hello small silver lining. So at least if i pull it out now it will grow back a bit faster. ha. I need to stop. I WANT to stop. Do i just not want it bad enough? I've really had enough. Dont you wish there was just a magic pill that could help us? Sure, we have a pill to help old men get erections but we cant come up with a pill to help all of us that feel self conscious every day because we pull our hair. Maybe we need to speak up more, make the drug companies see what a market their is, how much money they could make. Until then, we need to figure out a way to stop the damn pulling. Grrr....
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Anonymity
I'm a little behind but I have finally figured out how to remove the "followers" box which shows who is following my blog. I don't know whether everyone feels as I do but having battled trich for the last 20+ years I know that I am super protective of my identity when it comes to trich. I subscribe to a yahoo trich listserv and I didn't even use my real name. Now I think the cat is out of the bag a bit, especially since I have started another blog for my law firm and the accounts are connected, but I wanted anyone reading this to know that I do value your support and respect a desire you may have to remain anonymous.
On another note, I am having a lot of trouble today staying away from my left eyebrow! ugh!
On another note, I am having a lot of trouble today staying away from my left eyebrow! ugh!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Summertime
It's been a busy few weeks- a trial I did was recently part of an HBO documentary so we have been trying to capitalize on the free press for the new business. Also, my boyfriend has moved in and we are all situated in our tiny little apartment. Seriously, it's small but if we can make it work here then I think we can make it work anywhere.
My battle with trich has varied day to day. It's so hard when the little hairs start to grow in and they are prickly and I just want to pull them. Grrrrr. It's also that wonderful (insert sarcastic tone) time of the year when it's harder to hide- make up is more visible in the bright lights, swimming causes anxiety, you know how it is. But i'm still trying. And I love that big sunglasses (which hide some of the damage) are still in style!
My battle with trich has varied day to day. It's so hard when the little hairs start to grow in and they are prickly and I just want to pull them. Grrrrr. It's also that wonderful (insert sarcastic tone) time of the year when it's harder to hide- make up is more visible in the bright lights, swimming causes anxiety, you know how it is. But i'm still trying. And I love that big sunglasses (which hide some of the damage) are still in style!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Hitting Bottom
Years ago, when I was suffering from a pretty bad period of depression following some awful tragedies, someone told me that sometimes you have to hit bottom so you can push off and head back to the top. That really resonated with me.
So I hit bottom a bit with my trich last week. I wouldnt say it's the "bottom" of how it's ever been- far from it in fact- but it's the lowest point I've been in the last 18 or so months. I pulled out all my hair on my left eyebrow, a few eyelashes in my just returning left eye, and on the right eyelid left a pretty decent sized lash-free gap.
Despite being tweezer free for some time now I will admit that it wasnt all pulling with my hands. I have a scissor, yup, a scissor, and I know exactly how close I can get the blades so that it has the same effect as my tweezers used to. It's embarrassing to admit this but it's true. It's not as bad as it used to be when I would stick safety pins into my skin to "free up" the hairs so that I could pull them out with my tweezers, wiping the blood away as I went but it's still bad and shameful to admit.
The worst part, aside from the shame, is that I'm back to figuring out how to draw in my left eyebrow without making it totally obvious. And since the right one isnt so bad it's hard to get them to match. It's also hard to go back to distancing myself from people, trying to avoid them noticing that my left eyebrow, and some of the right one, are mostly just a mix of eyeliner and eyeshadow. Just Saturday I was at a bridal shower and seated next to the wives of two friends who don't know about my trich- trying to talk to them while being self conscious the entire time was awful. A reminder of how far I had come and how much progress I erased in just one night.
There are many reasons I think I took this giant step back. I'm feeling even more unhappy with my inability to lose those last 10 pounds, especially since I had some TV interviews recently and thought I looked a bit chubby (i know i'm not fat but we all know the weight where we feel our best and i'm just not there). My boyfriend was also moving in which is a BIG step for me with my commitment issues. The idea of living in my fairly small apartment with a person who will be around EVERY day, possibly forever, just freaked me out a bit. I always do that- in the week before a big change I freak out, even when I know it's the right decision. I had warned him I would do it and on my second to last night at home alone, I freaked.
So I've taken a giant step back but once again I'm trying to remind myself that as long as I pick back up and move forward then I'm not a failure. Live and learn, or so some people say. I wish I knew what i was learning from this, from having trich at all, but I guess I probably will never understand this stupid horrible disease. I talked to my boyfriend and asked him to point out when I am touching my eyebrows or eyelashes and remind me not to pull.
I am now 5 days pull free and just hoping that this was my botton and that I have now pushed off and headed back for the top. Maybe one day I will stay there.
So I hit bottom a bit with my trich last week. I wouldnt say it's the "bottom" of how it's ever been- far from it in fact- but it's the lowest point I've been in the last 18 or so months. I pulled out all my hair on my left eyebrow, a few eyelashes in my just returning left eye, and on the right eyelid left a pretty decent sized lash-free gap.
Despite being tweezer free for some time now I will admit that it wasnt all pulling with my hands. I have a scissor, yup, a scissor, and I know exactly how close I can get the blades so that it has the same effect as my tweezers used to. It's embarrassing to admit this but it's true. It's not as bad as it used to be when I would stick safety pins into my skin to "free up" the hairs so that I could pull them out with my tweezers, wiping the blood away as I went but it's still bad and shameful to admit.
The worst part, aside from the shame, is that I'm back to figuring out how to draw in my left eyebrow without making it totally obvious. And since the right one isnt so bad it's hard to get them to match. It's also hard to go back to distancing myself from people, trying to avoid them noticing that my left eyebrow, and some of the right one, are mostly just a mix of eyeliner and eyeshadow. Just Saturday I was at a bridal shower and seated next to the wives of two friends who don't know about my trich- trying to talk to them while being self conscious the entire time was awful. A reminder of how far I had come and how much progress I erased in just one night.
There are many reasons I think I took this giant step back. I'm feeling even more unhappy with my inability to lose those last 10 pounds, especially since I had some TV interviews recently and thought I looked a bit chubby (i know i'm not fat but we all know the weight where we feel our best and i'm just not there). My boyfriend was also moving in which is a BIG step for me with my commitment issues. The idea of living in my fairly small apartment with a person who will be around EVERY day, possibly forever, just freaked me out a bit. I always do that- in the week before a big change I freak out, even when I know it's the right decision. I had warned him I would do it and on my second to last night at home alone, I freaked.
So I've taken a giant step back but once again I'm trying to remind myself that as long as I pick back up and move forward then I'm not a failure. Live and learn, or so some people say. I wish I knew what i was learning from this, from having trich at all, but I guess I probably will never understand this stupid horrible disease. I talked to my boyfriend and asked him to point out when I am touching my eyebrows or eyelashes and remind me not to pull.
I am now 5 days pull free and just hoping that this was my botton and that I have now pushed off and headed back for the top. Maybe one day I will stay there.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Make up remover
Have you ever taken off all your make up only to be shocked and saddened by the damage you have done? I leave my eyebrow make up on almost all the time (it almost knows not to come off when I wash my face at night) and I knew I had been picking at my left eyebrow for the last few days but I just removed all my make up and damn, I did some damage. Booo. I have spots in between tiny little bits of hair while my right eyebrow is still looking pretty good (except the edges). Those stupid prickly little short hairs just kill me, I cant stay away from them!
So now I'm left with an almost non-existent left eyebrow and filling in make up when one brow looks good and the other looks like total crap sucks. Back to running to the bathroom in the morning to make sure my boyfriend doesnt see my messed up eyebrow. Granted, he knows I have trich but knowing and actually seeing me with no hair are two very different things. And with summer and bright light just around the corner (and him moving in in less than 2 weeks) I'm feeling pretty disappointed with myself.
So now I'm left with an almost non-existent left eyebrow and filling in make up when one brow looks good and the other looks like total crap sucks. Back to running to the bathroom in the morning to make sure my boyfriend doesnt see my messed up eyebrow. Granted, he knows I have trich but knowing and actually seeing me with no hair are two very different things. And with summer and bright light just around the corner (and him moving in in less than 2 weeks) I'm feeling pretty disappointed with myself.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Traveling with trich
I am back from a wonderful vacation in Italy- we traveled to some really incredible places, ate a ton of great food and met some very interesting and lovely people. I am proud to say that my eyelashes are looking amazing and, for possibly the first vacation ever, I never worried about how they looked. I put on a little mascara in the morning and despite the dozens and dozens of pictures we were taking, many of them close ups, I could go all day and never worry that I needed to reapply. I didnt even bring my eyeliner with me during the days! Crazy and so liberating!
My eyebrows are another story. I can't stop messing with them. My tweezer has been long gone but my hand and fingers still love to grab on to the little stubby hairs and the longer hairs that are on the outer brows. Sometimes I will scratch at a hair, trying to will it to free itself from the skin just a little more so I can grab it and tug. Once I have scratched at it it will hurt and I become that much more aware of it. I didnt even seem to care that I would do it in front of my boyfriend. Every hair that was trying to make an appearance I would attack. When I freed that little stubby hair I would feel so good, like a weird sense of relief. Then on to the next one, or even waiting the next day until a new one arrived. Such a vicious cycle.
Right now my eyebrows are thin, not the worst they have ever been (granted, the worst was when they were non-existent) but not as good as they were a few months back. The sunny and BRIGHT weather we were fortunate to have in Italy reminded me that the summer is just around the corner where my eyebrow makeup will be that much more visible to anyone sitting close to me. I want to feel the same carefree way about my eyebrows that I feel about my eyebrows it's just so hard to stop. I guess today is a new day so I'm just going to try not to grab the little fuckers today. I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow. I guess for now I should also just try to look at the glass half full and be happy I have my eyelashes and make sure I focus too on keeping that up- one is better that none but to have both back would be amazing.
My eyebrows are another story. I can't stop messing with them. My tweezer has been long gone but my hand and fingers still love to grab on to the little stubby hairs and the longer hairs that are on the outer brows. Sometimes I will scratch at a hair, trying to will it to free itself from the skin just a little more so I can grab it and tug. Once I have scratched at it it will hurt and I become that much more aware of it. I didnt even seem to care that I would do it in front of my boyfriend. Every hair that was trying to make an appearance I would attack. When I freed that little stubby hair I would feel so good, like a weird sense of relief. Then on to the next one, or even waiting the next day until a new one arrived. Such a vicious cycle.
Right now my eyebrows are thin, not the worst they have ever been (granted, the worst was when they were non-existent) but not as good as they were a few months back. The sunny and BRIGHT weather we were fortunate to have in Italy reminded me that the summer is just around the corner where my eyebrow makeup will be that much more visible to anyone sitting close to me. I want to feel the same carefree way about my eyebrows that I feel about my eyebrows it's just so hard to stop. I guess today is a new day so I'm just going to try not to grab the little fuckers today. I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow. I guess for now I should also just try to look at the glass half full and be happy I have my eyelashes and make sure I focus too on keeping that up- one is better that none but to have both back would be amazing.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Back in the right direction
Well I have learned my lesson to have a little more faith in people. I received an email from the hypnotist last night along with copies of the recordings- apparently she was on vacation. So tonight I will give the recordings another shot and see if it helps at all. Depending on how that goes for the next few weeks will determine whether or not I move forward with another session- it might not be for some time though since I need to save some money.
On Monday we leave for Italy and my lashes and eyebrows are not quite where I want them to be but certainly better. My left eye lashes are thin but there and the right actually looks pretty good. Both eyebrows are coming in slowly but surely. Phew. Wouldnt it be nice if we could just make a magic want and have them grow in at least somewhat quicker? The "growing" phase can be tough with so many prickly and out of place hairs.
Amazingly I have had some stray hairs on other parts of my body that I havent gone crazy about- yes I have tried to pull here and there but they have not set me into a panicky need to pull like they might have in the past.
So that's about it for now, not too much has been going on (other than I won my trial last week!) but just busy working before leaving for our trip (and in the process making room for the boyfriend to move in- I have gotten rid of more clothes than any person should have, especially for my tiny NYC apartment!)
On Monday we leave for Italy and my lashes and eyebrows are not quite where I want them to be but certainly better. My left eye lashes are thin but there and the right actually looks pretty good. Both eyebrows are coming in slowly but surely. Phew. Wouldnt it be nice if we could just make a magic want and have them grow in at least somewhat quicker? The "growing" phase can be tough with so many prickly and out of place hairs.
Amazingly I have had some stray hairs on other parts of my body that I havent gone crazy about- yes I have tried to pull here and there but they have not set me into a panicky need to pull like they might have in the past.
So that's about it for now, not too much has been going on (other than I won my trial last week!) but just busy working before leaving for our trip (and in the process making room for the boyfriend to move in- I have gotten rid of more clothes than any person should have, especially for my tiny NYC apartment!)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Taking the good with the bad
The last few weeks have been completely crazy and I"m hoping to finally finish up a trial tomorrow which is why I've been a bit MIA. With all the craziness there have been some ups and downs. I'll start with the downs.
The hypnosis doesnt work for me. Sadly it just didn't stick. About a week ago, despite the affirmation, I gave in to the pulling. For the last 2 1/2 weeks I've wanted to pull. I only pulled about 2 hairs but the urges are back in full force. Knowing that things were getting tough, I went back to the email to listen to the recording of my hypnosis sessions which had been helping. Sadly, they were "expired" and I can no longer access them. I emailed Nancy in the hopes that she would send me a copy of the recordings (i did spend close to $800 for the two sessions, I figured I could at least get a copy) but she has yet to respond and it's been over a week. It kind of pisses me off. Actually, it really pisses me off. I have another appointment wiht her scheduled for next Wednesday but unless she suddenly sends me the recordings (and permanent copies) i will not be attending.
On a positive note, yesterday I watched the video on the upcoming HBO documentary that features footage from my trial last March. I was so nervous that the footage would show a close up of my eyes and eyebrows- and couldnt recall exactly what shape my lashes and eyebrows were in- but fortunately it looks great and you cant even tell. phew. The documentary is on the NYC sex crimes unit and is tough to watch but interesting- it iwll be airing on HBO on June 20 and I recommend watching it (other than for just selfish reasons- my trial footage is not a big part of the film)
Also on a positive note, the hair I was worried wasnt fully coming back in has made a lot of improvement. I have also been handling the urges pretty well as I'm motivated by my upcoming trip to italy and cohabitation with the boyfriend. It hasnt been easy but I've been keeping busy and getting up when the urges hit so it's been manageable.
So that's about it for now. I wish I could have had better news with the hypnosis as i was really really hoping it would be a success. I know that Christina from the trich support group website had said it has very mixed results but I had high hopes. Oh well. I will just have to keep fighting. Buy-bye $800, at least I tried :(
The hypnosis doesnt work for me. Sadly it just didn't stick. About a week ago, despite the affirmation, I gave in to the pulling. For the last 2 1/2 weeks I've wanted to pull. I only pulled about 2 hairs but the urges are back in full force. Knowing that things were getting tough, I went back to the email to listen to the recording of my hypnosis sessions which had been helping. Sadly, they were "expired" and I can no longer access them. I emailed Nancy in the hopes that she would send me a copy of the recordings (i did spend close to $800 for the two sessions, I figured I could at least get a copy) but she has yet to respond and it's been over a week. It kind of pisses me off. Actually, it really pisses me off. I have another appointment wiht her scheduled for next Wednesday but unless she suddenly sends me the recordings (and permanent copies) i will not be attending.
On a positive note, yesterday I watched the video on the upcoming HBO documentary that features footage from my trial last March. I was so nervous that the footage would show a close up of my eyes and eyebrows- and couldnt recall exactly what shape my lashes and eyebrows were in- but fortunately it looks great and you cant even tell. phew. The documentary is on the NYC sex crimes unit and is tough to watch but interesting- it iwll be airing on HBO on June 20 and I recommend watching it (other than for just selfish reasons- my trial footage is not a big part of the film)
Also on a positive note, the hair I was worried wasnt fully coming back in has made a lot of improvement. I have also been handling the urges pretty well as I'm motivated by my upcoming trip to italy and cohabitation with the boyfriend. It hasnt been easy but I've been keeping busy and getting up when the urges hit so it's been manageable.
So that's about it for now. I wish I could have had better news with the hypnosis as i was really really hoping it would be a success. I know that Christina from the trich support group website had said it has very mixed results but I had high hopes. Oh well. I will just have to keep fighting. Buy-bye $800, at least I tried :(
Thursday, April 7, 2011
A Family Affair
Lots of people on other blogs and online support groups have commented on the various reactions from family members once they discover that the person has trich. Sadly, most of these reactions are not pleasant and have caused a lot of pain to the person suffering from trich and part of me thinks that at least a small part of that negative reaction can be attributed to the family member simply not knowing how to react.
I believe that most parents want to help their children but what do you do when your child has a destructive habit/disease that there is no cure for? Many people dont know anything about trich, let alone that it is so much more than a physical problem but that it has such a negative effect on our self esteem. About two posts ago I commented on how my dad would sometimes draw my eyelashes before going away so he could compare, and possibly punish me, if they were not the same when he returned. I've never forgotten that and while I know without a doubt my dad loves me and would never do anything to hurt me, it still has (obviously) had a last impact and was very hurtful and embarrassing. I wonder if it would have been different had our parents reacted differntly? But what could they have done?
My parents tried almost everything to get me to stop. Punishments, therapy, gloves, band aids, embarassment (I was also not allowed to get contacts until I stopped- after I hit 14 and still hadn't stopped what was then a 6 year habit, my parents caved and let me get rid of my hideous glasses. Oh yeah, and my mom used to say "boys dont make passes at girls who wear glasses" as kind of a fucked up incentive. Sweet)
Anyway, I digress. What made me first think to write this post in the first place was that this past weekend I attended a bat mitvah for my cousin and had lots of family around. It brought into sharp focus how many family members I have with some form of trich but also saddened me to think that out of the 8 or so family members that have had the disease in some form, not one ever talked to me about it in a productive way. My cousin, the cousin I am closest to but lives in CA, had trich worse than me but managed to stop. I have tried for YEARS to get her to talk to me about it, even told her about the hypnotist this past weekend, but she just doesnt want to. How can I push it, is that fair to her? I know how embarrassing and hard it can be to talk about it but it still bothers me.
I dont know. Besides my mom who pulled her eyelashes for a short time and then just stopped (and she can offer no helpful tips) my cousin is the person who would be able to relate to me the best. I know I have to let it go but I hope and pray that if I ever have kids or nieces or nephews or even friends that have trich, that I will happily offer them every and any resource and help I can. I hope that one day this is no longer a shameful disease but something people know about and understand, so that we can all feel comfortable talking about it.
Anyway, on another note, my boyfriend met my entire family at the bat mitvah and was a bit hit. We also had some pretty serious discussions this weekend and have decided to move in together. Even though he knows about my trich I still would never want him to see me completely without make up (and my hair is growing back pretty slowly but still growing back) so I have until June to get everything back. Let's hope the hypnosis sticks but my motivation just grew even more!!
I believe that most parents want to help their children but what do you do when your child has a destructive habit/disease that there is no cure for? Many people dont know anything about trich, let alone that it is so much more than a physical problem but that it has such a negative effect on our self esteem. About two posts ago I commented on how my dad would sometimes draw my eyelashes before going away so he could compare, and possibly punish me, if they were not the same when he returned. I've never forgotten that and while I know without a doubt my dad loves me and would never do anything to hurt me, it still has (obviously) had a last impact and was very hurtful and embarrassing. I wonder if it would have been different had our parents reacted differntly? But what could they have done?
My parents tried almost everything to get me to stop. Punishments, therapy, gloves, band aids, embarassment (I was also not allowed to get contacts until I stopped- after I hit 14 and still hadn't stopped what was then a 6 year habit, my parents caved and let me get rid of my hideous glasses. Oh yeah, and my mom used to say "boys dont make passes at girls who wear glasses" as kind of a fucked up incentive. Sweet)
Anyway, I digress. What made me first think to write this post in the first place was that this past weekend I attended a bat mitvah for my cousin and had lots of family around. It brought into sharp focus how many family members I have with some form of trich but also saddened me to think that out of the 8 or so family members that have had the disease in some form, not one ever talked to me about it in a productive way. My cousin, the cousin I am closest to but lives in CA, had trich worse than me but managed to stop. I have tried for YEARS to get her to talk to me about it, even told her about the hypnotist this past weekend, but she just doesnt want to. How can I push it, is that fair to her? I know how embarrassing and hard it can be to talk about it but it still bothers me.
I dont know. Besides my mom who pulled her eyelashes for a short time and then just stopped (and she can offer no helpful tips) my cousin is the person who would be able to relate to me the best. I know I have to let it go but I hope and pray that if I ever have kids or nieces or nephews or even friends that have trich, that I will happily offer them every and any resource and help I can. I hope that one day this is no longer a shameful disease but something people know about and understand, so that we can all feel comfortable talking about it.
Anyway, on another note, my boyfriend met my entire family at the bat mitvah and was a bit hit. We also had some pretty serious discussions this weekend and have decided to move in together. Even though he knows about my trich I still would never want him to see me completely without make up (and my hair is growing back pretty slowly but still growing back) so I have until June to get everything back. Let's hope the hypnosis sticks but my motivation just grew even more!!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Regression
I received a comment asking about regression which I had decided not to do. I wish I could be more helpful and offer deeper insight but i shut down pretty quickly to the idea. Basically the hypnotist wanted to bring me back, in the trance, to the first time I pulled so that we could better understand why it was I pulled the first time in the hopes that we could change that pattern of behavior.
I guess I've tried so hard over the years to make sense over why I pull but at this point would rather focus on how to stop. It's hard to explain but people trying to tell me what I was feeling or why I started this make me very anxious. Part of me really thinks its genetics because of all the people that have trich in my family. Nancy had told me that really it didnt matter if I could remember exactly what I was doing or feeling at the exact time but we could even plant an idea in my head. She asked me questions like "did you see your mother pull?" (no), "were you upset about a test you were studying for?" (rarely, especially not at that age), were you having family issues?"(eh, always but who the heck remembers specifics), "did you feel lonely or not have many friends so you were upset?" (no, I grew up in a very close community and had a lot of friends in 3rd grade when I had not yet even hit the massive awkward stage).
So I dont know if it would have helped or not or what the process is exactly, I just know that for me it didnt feel like a productive use of the time and money I was spending, especially since I knew that due to limited finances that would likely be my last session). For anyone who may be interested or want to know more, Nancy Donenfeld does answer her own phone and is happy to answer questions so I would encourage you to call her. Sorry I cant be more helpful but if anyone decides to do it I'd love to hear more about it, maybe I should have been more open minded.
I guess I've tried so hard over the years to make sense over why I pull but at this point would rather focus on how to stop. It's hard to explain but people trying to tell me what I was feeling or why I started this make me very anxious. Part of me really thinks its genetics because of all the people that have trich in my family. Nancy had told me that really it didnt matter if I could remember exactly what I was doing or feeling at the exact time but we could even plant an idea in my head. She asked me questions like "did you see your mother pull?" (no), "were you upset about a test you were studying for?" (rarely, especially not at that age), were you having family issues?"(eh, always but who the heck remembers specifics), "did you feel lonely or not have many friends so you were upset?" (no, I grew up in a very close community and had a lot of friends in 3rd grade when I had not yet even hit the massive awkward stage).
So I dont know if it would have helped or not or what the process is exactly, I just know that for me it didnt feel like a productive use of the time and money I was spending, especially since I knew that due to limited finances that would likely be my last session). For anyone who may be interested or want to know more, Nancy Donenfeld does answer her own phone and is happy to answer questions so I would encourage you to call her. Sorry I cant be more helpful but if anyone decides to do it I'd love to hear more about it, maybe I should have been more open minded.
Friday, April 1, 2011
The day it all started
Can you remember the day that you started pulling? Had you seen someone else pull? how did it start?
I can remember the first day even though it was 22 years ago when I was 8 years old. I dont remember a lot of specifics, like what made me pull that first one, but I do remember that I was sitting at a black desk in the living room of my old house doing homework and I pulled them all out. I remember being able to see the lashes even though they were black and somewhat faded into the color of the desk. It was one of those desks where it's more like a chest and you pull down a panel and it becomes a desk, do you know what I mean? I remember the hair being all over and part of me kind of liked it. Even then I knew it was something i wanted to keep secret and I recall being conscious of where everyone in the house was. I also remember blowing and wiping all the hair away when i was done with my homework and feeling slightly nervous and ashamed at what would happen next. What I didnt know was that it was the start of 22 years of shame and heartache, of insecurities and embarrassment.
There is a lot of random little thoughts about trich that I recall. For example, I remember my dad going away at some point - this is after my parents became aware of my pulling- and drawing a picture of my eyes and where all my eyelashes were. The point was so that he could compare whether or not I had pulled when he returned. I dont remember if I was punished when he returned as I'm sure I did pull but I remember feeling so embarassed and ashamed of the whole process.
I think that is the worst part of this disease- the shame. It makes us so insecure and shameful even though it's a disease and we have nothing to feel ashamed about. We can't help it. It's funny how you live with something for so long and build it up in your head but when others that love you find out, they dont think it's even half as big of a deal as we expected it to be. Maybe if more people knew about this disease and understood it we could eliminate the shame we all feel and really start tackling finding ways to beat it. I dont know. I just hope my own trich goes no further than 22 years- that is enough for me.
I can remember the first day even though it was 22 years ago when I was 8 years old. I dont remember a lot of specifics, like what made me pull that first one, but I do remember that I was sitting at a black desk in the living room of my old house doing homework and I pulled them all out. I remember being able to see the lashes even though they were black and somewhat faded into the color of the desk. It was one of those desks where it's more like a chest and you pull down a panel and it becomes a desk, do you know what I mean? I remember the hair being all over and part of me kind of liked it. Even then I knew it was something i wanted to keep secret and I recall being conscious of where everyone in the house was. I also remember blowing and wiping all the hair away when i was done with my homework and feeling slightly nervous and ashamed at what would happen next. What I didnt know was that it was the start of 22 years of shame and heartache, of insecurities and embarrassment.
There is a lot of random little thoughts about trich that I recall. For example, I remember my dad going away at some point - this is after my parents became aware of my pulling- and drawing a picture of my eyes and where all my eyelashes were. The point was so that he could compare whether or not I had pulled when he returned. I dont remember if I was punished when he returned as I'm sure I did pull but I remember feeling so embarassed and ashamed of the whole process.
I think that is the worst part of this disease- the shame. It makes us so insecure and shameful even though it's a disease and we have nothing to feel ashamed about. We can't help it. It's funny how you live with something for so long and build it up in your head but when others that love you find out, they dont think it's even half as big of a deal as we expected it to be. Maybe if more people knew about this disease and understood it we could eliminate the shame we all feel and really start tackling finding ways to beat it. I dont know. I just hope my own trich goes no further than 22 years- that is enough for me.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
One week later
It has been a week and I have not pulled any hairs. My eyebrows are a scattered mess, with stray hairs everywhere, but I am just letting them be. This alone is a pretty amazing feat. Am I actually going to have normal sized eyebrows one day?
And for anyone that may actually read my blog regularly you will recall that months ago I wanted to break up with my tweezers but I could never make the break. On Tuesday night I threw them away. Just like that. Buh-bye you little bastard, while you may be helpful to some you are an awful helpful (but not in a good way) crutch for me. NO MORE! i have one or two stomach hairs part of me would love to tweeze out but screw it. They will just have to be.
No sugar, lots of exercise (maybe almost too much, I was exhausted yessterday to the point where my legs were shaky so taking today off) and otherwise doing well. On Tuesday night the new MP3 the hypnotist sent put me too sleep immediately and I had the best sleep I've had in a while. Even the urges to pull have not nearly been as bad to overcome. I will definitely be listening to my MP3 tape again tonight. Maybe this actually worked?
And for anyone that may actually read my blog regularly you will recall that months ago I wanted to break up with my tweezers but I could never make the break. On Tuesday night I threw them away. Just like that. Buh-bye you little bastard, while you may be helpful to some you are an awful helpful (but not in a good way) crutch for me. NO MORE! i have one or two stomach hairs part of me would love to tweeze out but screw it. They will just have to be.
No sugar, lots of exercise (maybe almost too much, I was exhausted yessterday to the point where my legs were shaky so taking today off) and otherwise doing well. On Tuesday night the new MP3 the hypnotist sent put me too sleep immediately and I had the best sleep I've had in a while. Even the urges to pull have not nearly been as bad to overcome. I will definitely be listening to my MP3 tape again tonight. Maybe this actually worked?
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Hypnosis session #2
Today was appointment #2 and my wallet is $390 (not $350 like I thought) lighter. We started again by just talking. Initially she suggested doing a regression to take me back to the first time I pulled, which I remember, to determine why I was pulling. Honestly, anytime someone tries to explain to me why I pull I get pissed off. I've tried for years to figure it out and honestly I dont think there is just one answer and I dont need someone else telling me what started it or why I do it in a multitude of situations- I just want to start. Needless to say, I said no to this idea. Just not for me.
So we moved on. I ran 7 miles this morning and have had some clients stressing me out so by the time my 4:00 appointment rolled around I was already feeling a little drowsy. She started out the same as before, stating I would go 'deeper' this time. Admittedly, I did feel much different and more intense then last time. Now comes the hard part- waiting to see if it worked.
To clarify on a few things- i was concerned because I still have felt an urge to pull. Apparently this is normal. The urge isnt expected to just disappear, but the will to not pull and to make the choice to not pull and give into the urge is supposed to get much stronger until it eventually becomes an unconscious decision. For example- I may still want to eat the delicious cupcake sitting in front of me but it becomes an easier choice not to eat it because my subconscious thought process wants to lose weight more so I turn the cupcake down. Does that make sense? Apparently from this point forward its just going to be easier for me not to pull. My fingers are still crossed (as are my legs, and arms and everything I can possibly cross). I also have another MP3 to listen to from todays session. We'll see what happens.
So we moved on. I ran 7 miles this morning and have had some clients stressing me out so by the time my 4:00 appointment rolled around I was already feeling a little drowsy. She started out the same as before, stating I would go 'deeper' this time. Admittedly, I did feel much different and more intense then last time. Now comes the hard part- waiting to see if it worked.
To clarify on a few things- i was concerned because I still have felt an urge to pull. Apparently this is normal. The urge isnt expected to just disappear, but the will to not pull and to make the choice to not pull and give into the urge is supposed to get much stronger until it eventually becomes an unconscious decision. For example- I may still want to eat the delicious cupcake sitting in front of me but it becomes an easier choice not to eat it because my subconscious thought process wants to lose weight more so I turn the cupcake down. Does that make sense? Apparently from this point forward its just going to be easier for me not to pull. My fingers are still crossed (as are my legs, and arms and everything I can possibly cross). I also have another MP3 to listen to from todays session. We'll see what happens.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday morning anxiety
This morning I looked in the mirror and am focused on the bald spot on my eyelid. It's a spot I pulled from in two weeks before the hypnosis (even the day before) but no hair has come in yet. Why I'm suddenly freaking out about this I have no idea, it's not like my hair has stopped coming in in any other spot I've pulled from. Oh well. On a positive note, I do have lots of stray hairs coming in on both of my eyebrows and I have not pulled them :)
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Update on hypnosis results
It's Sunday night and figured I'd give a quick update. It's been 3 full days since I underwent my first round of hypnosis. I listened to the MP3 the hypnotist made again on Friday night but not last night as my boyfriend was over. It's weird b/c I'm a little more conscious of what is being said on the MP3 then when I was in her office, in part I think because of the distractions outside (NYC streets are NEVER quiet). I do find the recording very relaxing.
In 3 days I have had absolutely no desire for sweets and was actually turned off by these 100 calorie coffee cakes I usually love. My boyfriend, Pete, looked at me like I was nuts when I turned his offer to share a pack down. "I think it worked" was his response. I didnt go to the gym yesterday or today b/c my back has been a bit sore but I've definitely wanted to and look forward to going tomorrow.
Now onto trich. I'm still so worried it didnt work but there is evidence to the contrary. Pete has an insanely long eyebrow hair that I commented on and he said I could pull- I turned him down although part of me really wants to pull it, another part of me doesnt. I am still not pulling my eyelashes or eyebrows but the urges have not gone completely away. I also have a freakishly curled eyebrow hair but I havent pulled it and when I reach my hand up to feel the hair I still immediately pull my hair down and find myself repeating the mantra the hypnotist had said during the session "I have all my hair, I want to keep all my hair". Now I will admit that I had two hairs on my stomach I did pull. Is that the same thing? I think so which is why I'm worried it's just a matter of time before I pull something else.
Tuesday's appointment at 4pm is still on and I plan to give it one more shot. I want this to work so bad, maybe that will help the process :)
In 3 days I have had absolutely no desire for sweets and was actually turned off by these 100 calorie coffee cakes I usually love. My boyfriend, Pete, looked at me like I was nuts when I turned his offer to share a pack down. "I think it worked" was his response. I didnt go to the gym yesterday or today b/c my back has been a bit sore but I've definitely wanted to and look forward to going tomorrow.
Now onto trich. I'm still so worried it didnt work but there is evidence to the contrary. Pete has an insanely long eyebrow hair that I commented on and he said I could pull- I turned him down although part of me really wants to pull it, another part of me doesnt. I am still not pulling my eyelashes or eyebrows but the urges have not gone completely away. I also have a freakishly curled eyebrow hair but I havent pulled it and when I reach my hand up to feel the hair I still immediately pull my hair down and find myself repeating the mantra the hypnotist had said during the session "I have all my hair, I want to keep all my hair". Now I will admit that I had two hairs on my stomach I did pull. Is that the same thing? I think so which is why I'm worried it's just a matter of time before I pull something else.
Tuesday's appointment at 4pm is still on and I plan to give it one more shot. I want this to work so bad, maybe that will help the process :)
Friday, March 25, 2011
Hypnosis- The Results?
I did it. I shelled out $440 on hypnosis, I did get a little sleepy and now I'm waiting to see if it worked. Here's how it went:
I showed up for my 1:00 appointment and we just talked a bit about trich and other changes I wanted to make such as loving exercise and not craving sweets so much. It's difficult to relay everythign she said but it was basically about how you need to reprogram the way you think, that every urge can only last for a total of 60 seconds (apparently proven by psychiatrists for years) and how you cant have two opposite urges- I cant want to pull and not want to pull.
Nancy (the hynotist) also believes that we are more influened by positive thoughts than negative and we can retrain our minds to make positive choices- that by envisioning ourselves a certain way eventually we retrain how our mind works and choose the better alternative. One example she used was driving abroad- we are so used to driving on one side of the road yet, according to her, when people go to Europe and have to drive on the other side, they just do it. There is very little time to train themselves because its something you HAVE to do and apparently there have been studies to show there are no greater amount of accidents as a result of people used to driving on one side then suddenly driving on the other. We are forced to make that choice so we do it.
Another example was potty training. As infants we are used to "relieving" ourselves in a diaper but we can be trained to go into a bathroom and use a toilet and never use a diaper again. Same thing with drinking from a bottle. I'm not sure I'm conveying all this properly but its really about positive training. If we retrain ourselves to think "i have all my hair and i want to keep all my hair" eventually that becomes the automatic choice and it is helped by planting the seed into our subconscious but we have to convince ourselves we want it and its possible.
So onto the hypnosis. It was done in her office while sitting in a chair- you pretty much start out by staring at the ceiling while she talks and then focusing on your breathing. Eventually you go into what she calls a "trance" state. Apparently it is normal to still have other thoughts during this time and I will admit I had the popular Cee Low (spelling?) song "Fuck You" in my head because I heard it in the cab on the way over. Then I was worried that would screw it up but I did get pretty drowsy and otherwise focused on what she was saying. i was also picturing myself with full, beautiful eyelashes for most of it. It felt like it was about 7-10 minutes and I guess it was actually 18 or so.
That was it really. During the process she would repeat the mantra "I have all my hair" and occasionally throw in "i want to keep my hair" and "i love to exercise because it makes me feel so good" and "i stay away from sugar because I like to feel good and be thin". Part of me felt like the "i have all my hair mantra" wasnt the best- I would rather have had more emphasis on "i want to keep all my hair" but I'll mention that next time.
So yes, there is a next time. She often recommends it and considering we are dealing with a 22 year "habit" I felt a reinforcement session was worth it- might as well try and make that money work- the second session is $350 i think. All in all it was kind of what I expected, kind of not. She said I was in a very deep trance which she could tell from my breathing but I dont know- maybe the person 'in the trance' doesnt know. I walked away a little bit unsure but hopeful and with a recording of the entire session that I listened to, as recommended, just before I went to bed last night.
Now the results. I'm so worried that it didnt work- I keep also wanting to test it out but then of course I dont want to. I will say that I was happy to go to the gym today and worked out quite a bit longer than usual but I could also attribute that to losing 1.5 pounds over the last 2 days and having an awful, stressful morning with jerky and obnoxious clients. I also went out to eat last night to a comfort food place and was repulsed by the greasy grilled cheese sandwich- was it because I now like to be healthy or was it actually gross? Normally i love greasy and cheesy. And I have had no desire for anything sweet in the lat 24 hours which is crazy but could that be from just working out all week and loving the weight i've been losing? (and you know how sometimes when you leave the gym you just want health food?) Yeah, I dont know. Maybe I'm looking for excuses or affirmation it worked, who knows- I'm on the fence.
As for trich- I have several times reached my hand up to "smooth" and feel my eyebrows and eyelashes but even when I get my hand close, I immediately put my hand back down. I've been thinking about it constantly but am I just extra motivated right now NOT to pull or did the hypnosis really work? I would LOVE to know but I guess only time will tell............
PS- If it does work then I'm happy to say for anyone interested- apparently she does a lot of work with people over the phone so just because you dont live in/around NYC doesnt meant you can have the benefit of her services. I'll keep you posted :)
I showed up for my 1:00 appointment and we just talked a bit about trich and other changes I wanted to make such as loving exercise and not craving sweets so much. It's difficult to relay everythign she said but it was basically about how you need to reprogram the way you think, that every urge can only last for a total of 60 seconds (apparently proven by psychiatrists for years) and how you cant have two opposite urges- I cant want to pull and not want to pull.
Nancy (the hynotist) also believes that we are more influened by positive thoughts than negative and we can retrain our minds to make positive choices- that by envisioning ourselves a certain way eventually we retrain how our mind works and choose the better alternative. One example she used was driving abroad- we are so used to driving on one side of the road yet, according to her, when people go to Europe and have to drive on the other side, they just do it. There is very little time to train themselves because its something you HAVE to do and apparently there have been studies to show there are no greater amount of accidents as a result of people used to driving on one side then suddenly driving on the other. We are forced to make that choice so we do it.
Another example was potty training. As infants we are used to "relieving" ourselves in a diaper but we can be trained to go into a bathroom and use a toilet and never use a diaper again. Same thing with drinking from a bottle. I'm not sure I'm conveying all this properly but its really about positive training. If we retrain ourselves to think "i have all my hair and i want to keep all my hair" eventually that becomes the automatic choice and it is helped by planting the seed into our subconscious but we have to convince ourselves we want it and its possible.
So onto the hypnosis. It was done in her office while sitting in a chair- you pretty much start out by staring at the ceiling while she talks and then focusing on your breathing. Eventually you go into what she calls a "trance" state. Apparently it is normal to still have other thoughts during this time and I will admit I had the popular Cee Low (spelling?) song "Fuck You" in my head because I heard it in the cab on the way over. Then I was worried that would screw it up but I did get pretty drowsy and otherwise focused on what she was saying. i was also picturing myself with full, beautiful eyelashes for most of it. It felt like it was about 7-10 minutes and I guess it was actually 18 or so.
That was it really. During the process she would repeat the mantra "I have all my hair" and occasionally throw in "i want to keep my hair" and "i love to exercise because it makes me feel so good" and "i stay away from sugar because I like to feel good and be thin". Part of me felt like the "i have all my hair mantra" wasnt the best- I would rather have had more emphasis on "i want to keep all my hair" but I'll mention that next time.
So yes, there is a next time. She often recommends it and considering we are dealing with a 22 year "habit" I felt a reinforcement session was worth it- might as well try and make that money work- the second session is $350 i think. All in all it was kind of what I expected, kind of not. She said I was in a very deep trance which she could tell from my breathing but I dont know- maybe the person 'in the trance' doesnt know. I walked away a little bit unsure but hopeful and with a recording of the entire session that I listened to, as recommended, just before I went to bed last night.
Now the results. I'm so worried that it didnt work- I keep also wanting to test it out but then of course I dont want to. I will say that I was happy to go to the gym today and worked out quite a bit longer than usual but I could also attribute that to losing 1.5 pounds over the last 2 days and having an awful, stressful morning with jerky and obnoxious clients. I also went out to eat last night to a comfort food place and was repulsed by the greasy grilled cheese sandwich- was it because I now like to be healthy or was it actually gross? Normally i love greasy and cheesy. And I have had no desire for anything sweet in the lat 24 hours which is crazy but could that be from just working out all week and loving the weight i've been losing? (and you know how sometimes when you leave the gym you just want health food?) Yeah, I dont know. Maybe I'm looking for excuses or affirmation it worked, who knows- I'm on the fence.
As for trich- I have several times reached my hand up to "smooth" and feel my eyebrows and eyelashes but even when I get my hand close, I immediately put my hand back down. I've been thinking about it constantly but am I just extra motivated right now NOT to pull or did the hypnosis really work? I would LOVE to know but I guess only time will tell............
PS- If it does work then I'm happy to say for anyone interested- apparently she does a lot of work with people over the phone so just because you dont live in/around NYC doesnt meant you can have the benefit of her services. I'll keep you posted :)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Cautiously Optimistic
I've going back and forth between being very hopeful that today could be my last day pulling and being afraid that I'll be let down and the hypnosis won't work. Can you imagine a life with no urges? It sounds too good to be true.
Just as a marker I am posting a photo (please ignore how ridiculously huge my forehead looks in it and the dark circles under my eyes) just to mark what I hope will be the end of the "bad times" and the start of progress once again. It's a bit hard to take a photo of just your eyes without looking crazy. Also, I do have on some make up since I need to head back out soon.
So we shall see. I guess the best way to put it is that I'm cautiously optimistic- I'm not a big believer in prayer but I'll definitely be saying one tonight.
Just as a marker I am posting a photo (please ignore how ridiculously huge my forehead looks in it and the dark circles under my eyes) just to mark what I hope will be the end of the "bad times" and the start of progress once again. It's a bit hard to take a photo of just your eyes without looking crazy. Also, I do have on some make up since I need to head back out soon.
So we shall see. I guess the best way to put it is that I'm cautiously optimistic- I'm not a big believer in prayer but I'll definitely be saying one tonight.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Glass Half Full
After a lot of thought and online research, I'm going to give the hynosis a shot. The woman I am seeing has rave reviews online and Christina from the TLC site said that she does know about 60 people who had success with hypnosis (granted that was out of thousands she has met with who have trich although she didnt know how many had unsucessfully tried this method).
The decision was actually the result of a call from my mom, who at first was very skeptical of the idea. I told her I was mostly just worried about spending $500 and then it not working. She asked me "how much would you spend for a cure?" The answer: Thousands. I would give away every penny I had in savings, granted its not much, if it meant not having urges to pull ever again. My mother made me see that I was so worried about spending the money if it didnt work, but if it did work then it would be the best $500 I've ever spent. Thanks mom.
My boyfriend and my sister are also on board and basically said the same thing as my mom so this Thursday at 1pm I'm going to give it a try. Christina (the TLC support group moderator) said that I have to understand that even if it works it does not mean I no longer have trich, it just means I've had help controlling the urges but still need to be on guard and may even need a "refresher" hynosis in a few years.
Another plus is that I've also asked the hynotist to convince me that I love to exercise and hate eating sweet foods. She said she would. Why not make the most of that $500? I've already lost 5 pounds this week just by cutting out bad foods and exercising for an hour 5 times a week but I'll take all the help I can get :)
The decision was actually the result of a call from my mom, who at first was very skeptical of the idea. I told her I was mostly just worried about spending $500 and then it not working. She asked me "how much would you spend for a cure?" The answer: Thousands. I would give away every penny I had in savings, granted its not much, if it meant not having urges to pull ever again. My mother made me see that I was so worried about spending the money if it didnt work, but if it did work then it would be the best $500 I've ever spent. Thanks mom.
My boyfriend and my sister are also on board and basically said the same thing as my mom so this Thursday at 1pm I'm going to give it a try. Christina (the TLC support group moderator) said that I have to understand that even if it works it does not mean I no longer have trich, it just means I've had help controlling the urges but still need to be on guard and may even need a "refresher" hynosis in a few years.
Another plus is that I've also asked the hynotist to convince me that I love to exercise and hate eating sweet foods. She said she would. Why not make the most of that $500? I've already lost 5 pounds this week just by cutting out bad foods and exercising for an hour 5 times a week but I'll take all the help I can get :)
Thursday, March 17, 2011
You are getting very sleepy
I'm sorry for once again disappearing from the world of blogging. It's been a tough few months for me and I've been doing a lot of self inflection. Somehow I've managed to achieve complete happiness with my professional life but my personal life, or at least personal issues, are struggling. If only i could figure out how to achieve success and happiness in both at the same time.
My new firm is going great and it has been a lot of work but I love every moment. My family is doing well and my relationship is still going strong, in fact, we just booked a trip to Italy and will be going in May. I think that is actually my motivation for trying to move forward with the pieces I've let drop.
Trich and I are battling each other once again. I have not fully reverted back to my old pulling ways (where I would be completely hairless) but I'm not doing as well as I was a few months ago and I'm by no means pull free. The eyebrows are still the worst and the eyelashes are thin and, at least in my mind, need make up to compensate for what is lacking.
For the last 2 months I've been in a lot of pain due to a back injury. They recently (and finally) discovered 2 herniated disks in my upper back after insisting for years (and countless lower back MRI's) that it was nothing and giving me medication. After my trip in January, when it became difficult to even walk, I finally started demanding answers. Fast forward to now and I am JUST getting back to the gym and my active lifestyle back. So now I'm 15 pounds heavier than I'd like (it's not an issue of being heavy as much as I just dont FEEL good in my own skin which I think is more important than the number).
So now I'm back to trying to tackle both. It's so frustrating to constantly have this cycle but I guess it is what it is and it could always be worse. Over the last few weeks I've spoken with different people about "bad habits" (although I will say I do not think trich is a habit) and at some point it was suggested to me that I try hypnosis. I will admit that I am skeptical and the money is definitely the biggest issue. I spoke to one woman today, Nancy Donenfeld, who says she has worked with about 50 trich patients in close to 30 years and that at least 40 of them had great success. The cost is $440 for the first session, $390 for the second, then $290 for the third, and $190 for any after that. She said that often it will work in the first or second session (and the person who referred her to me said it worked after one session).
As of now I have a tentative appointment for next Thursday. I will give the woman credit that she is certainly persuasive in getting you to set up an appointment! I've thought about it off and on and I think really if it was maybe $200 I'd do it in a heartbeat. I feel like I'm now at a crossroads- spending $1000 to possibly have freedom from trich? Seems like it could be worth it but I also think part of me is so afraid that this is my last resort and if this fails, what if I cant beat it on my own? Wow, writing does help. I think I just realized my biggest issue with it. Hmm..... well, i'm going to go sleep on that but if you have suggestions or comments I'd love to hear them.
Once again, I'm sorry for not writing for so long and hope that you have had better luck with trich these last few months than I have!
My new firm is going great and it has been a lot of work but I love every moment. My family is doing well and my relationship is still going strong, in fact, we just booked a trip to Italy and will be going in May. I think that is actually my motivation for trying to move forward with the pieces I've let drop.
Trich and I are battling each other once again. I have not fully reverted back to my old pulling ways (where I would be completely hairless) but I'm not doing as well as I was a few months ago and I'm by no means pull free. The eyebrows are still the worst and the eyelashes are thin and, at least in my mind, need make up to compensate for what is lacking.
For the last 2 months I've been in a lot of pain due to a back injury. They recently (and finally) discovered 2 herniated disks in my upper back after insisting for years (and countless lower back MRI's) that it was nothing and giving me medication. After my trip in January, when it became difficult to even walk, I finally started demanding answers. Fast forward to now and I am JUST getting back to the gym and my active lifestyle back. So now I'm 15 pounds heavier than I'd like (it's not an issue of being heavy as much as I just dont FEEL good in my own skin which I think is more important than the number).
So now I'm back to trying to tackle both. It's so frustrating to constantly have this cycle but I guess it is what it is and it could always be worse. Over the last few weeks I've spoken with different people about "bad habits" (although I will say I do not think trich is a habit) and at some point it was suggested to me that I try hypnosis. I will admit that I am skeptical and the money is definitely the biggest issue. I spoke to one woman today, Nancy Donenfeld, who says she has worked with about 50 trich patients in close to 30 years and that at least 40 of them had great success. The cost is $440 for the first session, $390 for the second, then $290 for the third, and $190 for any after that. She said that often it will work in the first or second session (and the person who referred her to me said it worked after one session).
As of now I have a tentative appointment for next Thursday. I will give the woman credit that she is certainly persuasive in getting you to set up an appointment! I've thought about it off and on and I think really if it was maybe $200 I'd do it in a heartbeat. I feel like I'm now at a crossroads- spending $1000 to possibly have freedom from trich? Seems like it could be worth it but I also think part of me is so afraid that this is my last resort and if this fails, what if I cant beat it on my own? Wow, writing does help. I think I just realized my biggest issue with it. Hmm..... well, i'm going to go sleep on that but if you have suggestions or comments I'd love to hear them.
Once again, I'm sorry for not writing for so long and hope that you have had better luck with trich these last few months than I have!
Monday, January 24, 2011
It's a great day to get better. Again.
It's hard to know where to start today. First, to explain my absence for the last 20 days. As most of you know, I recently started a business which has been going very well but has required a lot of work. I also went away with my family for a week (wont be doing that again) and then this last week has just sucked.
Now let's start with the negative. The last week or so has just been awful in managing my trich. My left eyebrow might as well be completely gone and I lost count how many eyelashes I have pulled. I couldnt stop. All times of day, all mindsets, I just kept giving in to the urge to pull. I wish I had a good excuse but they are all just that, excuses. I was PMS'ing which I truly believe is the worst time of month for me and trich and I smoked a little pot again which somehow seems to bring out the pulling side of me. The pot is now gone and I really wont ever smoke again. I cant, not if I want to beat this stupid disease.
I've been thinking a lot about the question 'why do you pull'? which someone asked me not too long ago. They asked if it felt good and I'd have to say it does, but in a twisted sort of way. I love when I pull and it hurts. When the sting of pulling lingers for just a few minutes. I love the control, the satisfaction of pulling hairs i dont feel belong. But I hate it. I hate myself when I pull, I hate how literally one second after the 'good feeling" i feel like shit and go into an automatic panic about how bad the damage will be. I hate covering it up. I hate all the reasons I've listed on previous "reasons to stop pulling". I hate that I thought I was doing so well.
To backtrack just a bit, I really was doing pretty well. I believe in my last post i mentioned that I hadn't yet told my boyfriend but wanted to. Well about about 2 days after that post we went to a memorial service for his cousin that passed away. We took the train back to the city with his aunt and uncle. For some reason I thought at one point that his aunt might be wearing a wig but it looked natural and I really didnt think that much about it. Despite being overly sensitive to everyone else's hair, or lack thereof (eyebrows, eyelashes, and head hair) nothing really stood out to me. Once we got to Penn Station we went our separate ways and Pete and I grabbed a cab back to my apartment.
I forget exactly how it came up but he asked me if I noticed that she was wearing a wig? He stated that she had a disease where she pulled her hair and he thinks a few years ago it stopped growing back. Obviously this was as good of an intro as I was ever going to get so I took it and told him that I also have that disease, have had it for 22 years, but am working really hard to beat it. His response "wow, thanks for telling me, I never noticed. I think you look great." Yup, that was it. We talked a little more about it and I told him how hard it was for me to talk about it but he said that "everyone has their 'thing'" and he was just glad I felt comfortable enough to tell him and if I ever wanted his help or to talk about it he'd be there. Yet one more reason I know he is a good guy and I made the right decision going out with him (and he bought me flowers and a cupcake (if you ever come to NYC, got to two red hens bakery and get a cupcake, amazing) when I got home from my trip, seriously, if he had brothers I would advertise them on here since I'd want each of you to get one). :)
So that was a big step for me and I thought it was going well. Then i went away with my parents and my sister for a week. It was incredibly generous for my parents to take us with them to the Dominican Republic but it wasnt the easiest trip. My sister and I have recently been having a very hard time with my dad and the residual anger he had from 9/11. It's difficult to explain but it's been very emotional and a bit exhausting. People may think that because he walked out (ok, walked might be a BIG overstatement since he spent weeks in the hospital), and despite his ongoing injuries/burns he is ok but he isnt. People may also think that we have it easier b/c he survived and that we are so lucky. Yes, we are so incredibly lucky but no one ever tells you how hard it will be to live with someone who generally looks the same but one day is a different person. You see glimpses of the "old dad" while feeling guilty about not just accepting "new dad". You feel guilty that you arent just grateful you have a dad at all. I wont go into any more detail because you are probably bored from reading this anyway but it's been something we've been struggling a lot with lately and spending a week with my parents had its ups and downs (good think I havent shared this blog with them, haha). Oh, and my father should be nicknamed "Kramer" since he has many mannerisms and habits similiar to the Seinfeld character (instead of falling into a doorway, he opted to jump on a piling and land literally in the cabana of this European couple who I think were more annoyed then surprised- this is just one of many, many episodes).
I guess that has been the general gist. I had to buy some new make up today and polish back up my skills of "filling in my eyebrows" so they dont look too dramatic or strange. Fortunately my eyelashes are generally ok. Yes, they are thinner but I could probably still go with just a little mascara or eyeliner. Since I'm so overly sensitive, I've been using both eyeliner and mascara just to make myself feel better. The right eyebrow is very thin but at least it's still more or less there. The left one, well, it's clearly a mess. I guess I begin again. The next few weeks I will be working on pulling it (bad choice of words I suppose) all together and moving forward. As a friend of mine once used to say "it's a great day to get better". Onward and upward I hope and, as always, thanks for reading my ramblings and if you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them.
Now let's start with the negative. The last week or so has just been awful in managing my trich. My left eyebrow might as well be completely gone and I lost count how many eyelashes I have pulled. I couldnt stop. All times of day, all mindsets, I just kept giving in to the urge to pull. I wish I had a good excuse but they are all just that, excuses. I was PMS'ing which I truly believe is the worst time of month for me and trich and I smoked a little pot again which somehow seems to bring out the pulling side of me. The pot is now gone and I really wont ever smoke again. I cant, not if I want to beat this stupid disease.
I've been thinking a lot about the question 'why do you pull'? which someone asked me not too long ago. They asked if it felt good and I'd have to say it does, but in a twisted sort of way. I love when I pull and it hurts. When the sting of pulling lingers for just a few minutes. I love the control, the satisfaction of pulling hairs i dont feel belong. But I hate it. I hate myself when I pull, I hate how literally one second after the 'good feeling" i feel like shit and go into an automatic panic about how bad the damage will be. I hate covering it up. I hate all the reasons I've listed on previous "reasons to stop pulling". I hate that I thought I was doing so well.
To backtrack just a bit, I really was doing pretty well. I believe in my last post i mentioned that I hadn't yet told my boyfriend but wanted to. Well about about 2 days after that post we went to a memorial service for his cousin that passed away. We took the train back to the city with his aunt and uncle. For some reason I thought at one point that his aunt might be wearing a wig but it looked natural and I really didnt think that much about it. Despite being overly sensitive to everyone else's hair, or lack thereof (eyebrows, eyelashes, and head hair) nothing really stood out to me. Once we got to Penn Station we went our separate ways and Pete and I grabbed a cab back to my apartment.
I forget exactly how it came up but he asked me if I noticed that she was wearing a wig? He stated that she had a disease where she pulled her hair and he thinks a few years ago it stopped growing back. Obviously this was as good of an intro as I was ever going to get so I took it and told him that I also have that disease, have had it for 22 years, but am working really hard to beat it. His response "wow, thanks for telling me, I never noticed. I think you look great." Yup, that was it. We talked a little more about it and I told him how hard it was for me to talk about it but he said that "everyone has their 'thing'" and he was just glad I felt comfortable enough to tell him and if I ever wanted his help or to talk about it he'd be there. Yet one more reason I know he is a good guy and I made the right decision going out with him (and he bought me flowers and a cupcake (if you ever come to NYC, got to two red hens bakery and get a cupcake, amazing) when I got home from my trip, seriously, if he had brothers I would advertise them on here since I'd want each of you to get one). :)
So that was a big step for me and I thought it was going well. Then i went away with my parents and my sister for a week. It was incredibly generous for my parents to take us with them to the Dominican Republic but it wasnt the easiest trip. My sister and I have recently been having a very hard time with my dad and the residual anger he had from 9/11. It's difficult to explain but it's been very emotional and a bit exhausting. People may think that because he walked out (ok, walked might be a BIG overstatement since he spent weeks in the hospital), and despite his ongoing injuries/burns he is ok but he isnt. People may also think that we have it easier b/c he survived and that we are so lucky. Yes, we are so incredibly lucky but no one ever tells you how hard it will be to live with someone who generally looks the same but one day is a different person. You see glimpses of the "old dad" while feeling guilty about not just accepting "new dad". You feel guilty that you arent just grateful you have a dad at all. I wont go into any more detail because you are probably bored from reading this anyway but it's been something we've been struggling a lot with lately and spending a week with my parents had its ups and downs (good think I havent shared this blog with them, haha). Oh, and my father should be nicknamed "Kramer" since he has many mannerisms and habits similiar to the Seinfeld character (instead of falling into a doorway, he opted to jump on a piling and land literally in the cabana of this European couple who I think were more annoyed then surprised- this is just one of many, many episodes).
I guess that has been the general gist. I had to buy some new make up today and polish back up my skills of "filling in my eyebrows" so they dont look too dramatic or strange. Fortunately my eyelashes are generally ok. Yes, they are thinner but I could probably still go with just a little mascara or eyeliner. Since I'm so overly sensitive, I've been using both eyeliner and mascara just to make myself feel better. The right eyebrow is very thin but at least it's still more or less there. The left one, well, it's clearly a mess. I guess I begin again. The next few weeks I will be working on pulling it (bad choice of words I suppose) all together and moving forward. As a friend of mine once used to say "it's a great day to get better". Onward and upward I hope and, as always, thanks for reading my ramblings and if you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them.
Monday, January 3, 2011
2011 Starting Point
I'm going to start this year out with a photo, despite still being terrified at the idea of posting photos. you cant run from photos, they are what they are and for the most part they are a pretty accurate depiction. Those forehead lines? Can't run from those. The thin eyebrows with the smudging make up? They are there, front and center. My new mac computer has a camera option so really there is so excuse.
As you'll see, my eyelashes (which i'll admit have mascara and a little bit of eyeliner on them as this photo and post are a bit impromputu) look pretty good. The bottom ones havent been pulled in months. The tops ones are basically just as I described the other day- if you look at the left one close to my nose you might notice that there is a bit of a gap from where I pulled a few weeks ago. The time waiting while they are growing back in - when the hairs are small and crooked -is really the hardest time for me not to pull. And my shitty thin looking eyebrows are just sad and crying out for my to let them be.
It's still progress from this time last year, big progress actually as I properly had a few stray hairs (it always reminds me of the song from elementary school "the cheese stands alone, the cheese stands alone" for some bizarre reason- ha). Anyway, thats that and I feel I owe it to my ego to remind myself that I left off a BIG accomplishment from 2010- I quit smoking. Yes, that's me patting myself on the back but screw it, it was hard (a that's what she said reference is definitely called for here for anyone who is a fan of 'the office' like I am).
So there it is. My first step and the hard truth that I start off this year with. Does anyone have suggestions? Things that are working? Topic ideas? (sometimes that is the hardest part of having a blog- coming up with new ideas but lately I've been stuck on my boyfriends hairs and despite already posting about it, I might do another- i cant tell you how much I want to pull his stray eyebrow hairs sometimes!)
As you'll see, my eyelashes (which i'll admit have mascara and a little bit of eyeliner on them as this photo and post are a bit impromputu) look pretty good. The bottom ones havent been pulled in months. The tops ones are basically just as I described the other day- if you look at the left one close to my nose you might notice that there is a bit of a gap from where I pulled a few weeks ago. The time waiting while they are growing back in - when the hairs are small and crooked -is really the hardest time for me not to pull. And my shitty thin looking eyebrows are just sad and crying out for my to let them be.
It's still progress from this time last year, big progress actually as I properly had a few stray hairs (it always reminds me of the song from elementary school "the cheese stands alone, the cheese stands alone" for some bizarre reason- ha). Anyway, thats that and I feel I owe it to my ego to remind myself that I left off a BIG accomplishment from 2010- I quit smoking. Yes, that's me patting myself on the back but screw it, it was hard (a that's what she said reference is definitely called for here for anyone who is a fan of 'the office' like I am).
So there it is. My first step and the hard truth that I start off this year with. Does anyone have suggestions? Things that are working? Topic ideas? (sometimes that is the hardest part of having a blog- coming up with new ideas but lately I've been stuck on my boyfriends hairs and despite already posting about it, I might do another- i cant tell you how much I want to pull his stray eyebrow hairs sometimes!)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Reflections and Updates for 2011
Happy 2011 to all! It's a new year and a fresh start. 1/1/11 just seems to scream "Square 1" or "new beginnings". As I look back on the past year I'm trying to take an optimistic approach- a lot has changed. I start out this year with hope, the way I started out last year, but also with a sense of reality that sometimes, although we dont accomplish ALL our goals, progress can not be ignored or discounted. Progress leads to change which can lead to success.
Last year my resolutions were as follows:
1. I will be honest, brutally honest, I will confess when I have slipped, what I have pulled and at some point in the near future, I will post pictures of my eyes documenting progress.
2. I wont make excuses or apologies (after this).
3. I will commit to writing in this blog at least 3 times a week.
4. I will come to terms with all aspects of this disease- I will finally own up to it with my friends...and deal with it
All in all I'm pretty happy with how I did even though it wasnt exactly as I set out. I have confessed when I slipped and at one point even posted a picture of my eyes. I did make a few excuses and I definitely did not blog at least 3 times a week but I tried and had a total of over 80 posts for the year (so on average 1-2 a week) which isnt horrible. But most of all I'm proud of the fact that I did come to terms with my trich, I did own up to it with my friends and family and actively took steps to conquer this lingering demon of a disease.
In terms of progress, I have mixed feelings on that. I sit here with about 94% of my eyelashes (that one stupid spot from 2 weeks ago hasnt quite filled in) but I havent pulled recently and 94% is about 93% more than I had at this time last year. My friends know, I recognize my triggers more than I did, and I no longer feel the overwhelming shame I felt telling people last year (ok, well a little confession, I am sitting here next to my boyfriend of almost 7 months who I still have not had the "talk" with- small steps on that one I suppose- I'm not really sure wyh I havent told him). My eyebrows look, well, shitty. I havent pulled in a few weeks but they are still very thin. Adding the optimistic spin to that, once again its more than I had last year and the fact that I havent pulled in a few weeks is still a big accomplishment for me, certainly more than I had hoped for myself last year (and I finally, FINALLY quit my job and started a business so I'm pretty damn proud of that).
So once again it's time to move forward, to set new goals to work for (and I have a new computer so I have no excuse not to blog) This year I have a pretty simple resolution really- i want to improve on my previous progress. Yup, that's it. I am not going to say I am going to beat trich because after this year I just dont know that you ever fully beat this disease, you just learn how to manage it and suppress it to where you can actually have hair again. I think that saying "i'll beat trich" sets an unfair and unrealistic expectation- its too easy to slip and give up when half the battle, at least for me, is forgiving myself for the slips, not giving up and picking up to move on without erasing all the progress I'd previously made. If I slip and pull one hair and then stop myself, that's progress. Sure, it would be amazing not to pull at all but baby steps seem to be keep trying, keeping learning about this disease and finding new ways to improve and manage it.
I guess it comes down to this:
1. Improve on previous progress. By December 2011 I want to have kept all my eyelashes (and added a few) and have more than a thin line of eyebrow hair.
2. Tell my boyfriend about trich and continue to be honest.
3. Exercise- this has two purposes, the first, i want to lose the 10 pounds of christmas cookies I ate this month and second, exercising helps keep my mind clear which I've noticed has helped my stay on my toes with trich. My goal, again being realistic, is 3 times a week for at least one hour.
4. Be grateful and worry less. I'm not going to go into the reasons behind this one so much right now- suffice it to say the last few weeks have been an eye opener for me on how short life is and how much time I/we spend worrying about things that never come to fruition but yet we waste so much time on. I want to be happy with what I have instead of always worrying about what I should have in the future or dont have right now. let's face it, stress isnt good for trich either so it all ties back in.
Well that's it for now. I hope that everyone has a happy and healthy 2011 and, as always, thank you so much for the support and for reading!
Last year my resolutions were as follows:
1. I will be honest, brutally honest, I will confess when I have slipped, what I have pulled and at some point in the near future, I will post pictures of my eyes documenting progress.
2. I wont make excuses or apologies (after this).
3. I will commit to writing in this blog at least 3 times a week.
4. I will come to terms with all aspects of this disease- I will finally own up to it with my friends...and deal with it
All in all I'm pretty happy with how I did even though it wasnt exactly as I set out. I have confessed when I slipped and at one point even posted a picture of my eyes. I did make a few excuses and I definitely did not blog at least 3 times a week but I tried and had a total of over 80 posts for the year (so on average 1-2 a week) which isnt horrible. But most of all I'm proud of the fact that I did come to terms with my trich, I did own up to it with my friends and family and actively took steps to conquer this lingering demon of a disease.
In terms of progress, I have mixed feelings on that. I sit here with about 94% of my eyelashes (that one stupid spot from 2 weeks ago hasnt quite filled in) but I havent pulled recently and 94% is about 93% more than I had at this time last year. My friends know, I recognize my triggers more than I did, and I no longer feel the overwhelming shame I felt telling people last year (ok, well a little confession, I am sitting here next to my boyfriend of almost 7 months who I still have not had the "talk" with- small steps on that one I suppose- I'm not really sure wyh I havent told him). My eyebrows look, well, shitty. I havent pulled in a few weeks but they are still very thin. Adding the optimistic spin to that, once again its more than I had last year and the fact that I havent pulled in a few weeks is still a big accomplishment for me, certainly more than I had hoped for myself last year (and I finally, FINALLY quit my job and started a business so I'm pretty damn proud of that).
So once again it's time to move forward, to set new goals to work for (and I have a new computer so I have no excuse not to blog) This year I have a pretty simple resolution really- i want to improve on my previous progress. Yup, that's it. I am not going to say I am going to beat trich because after this year I just dont know that you ever fully beat this disease, you just learn how to manage it and suppress it to where you can actually have hair again. I think that saying "i'll beat trich" sets an unfair and unrealistic expectation- its too easy to slip and give up when half the battle, at least for me, is forgiving myself for the slips, not giving up and picking up to move on without erasing all the progress I'd previously made. If I slip and pull one hair and then stop myself, that's progress. Sure, it would be amazing not to pull at all but baby steps seem to be keep trying, keeping learning about this disease and finding new ways to improve and manage it.
I guess it comes down to this:
1. Improve on previous progress. By December 2011 I want to have kept all my eyelashes (and added a few) and have more than a thin line of eyebrow hair.
2. Tell my boyfriend about trich and continue to be honest.
3. Exercise- this has two purposes, the first, i want to lose the 10 pounds of christmas cookies I ate this month and second, exercising helps keep my mind clear which I've noticed has helped my stay on my toes with trich. My goal, again being realistic, is 3 times a week for at least one hour.
4. Be grateful and worry less. I'm not going to go into the reasons behind this one so much right now- suffice it to say the last few weeks have been an eye opener for me on how short life is and how much time I/we spend worrying about things that never come to fruition but yet we waste so much time on. I want to be happy with what I have instead of always worrying about what I should have in the future or dont have right now. let's face it, stress isnt good for trich either so it all ties back in.
Well that's it for now. I hope that everyone has a happy and healthy 2011 and, as always, thank you so much for the support and for reading!
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