I'm not sure what I have to report at this point- there have been good days and bad days. I'm not kicking trich's ass and it's not kicking mine. We are just dueling it out and sometimes I'm not sure who will win.
I still dont know why the last few weeks have been kind of sucky, I've been trying to pay attention to what is going on, what I'm eating, just general routine but I cant come up with much helpful information.
Starting this Friday I have about 10 days off- 10 days that I plan to relax, work on business stuff so I can really leave my job as planned, hang out with friends, hit the beach, just hang out. I cant recall the last time I stayed in town on a vacation and just caught up but I'm really looking forward to spending time with friends I dont get to see all that often. For a better part of the time off I'm going to try and stay at my parents, which is 8 more consecutive days then i've stayed there in about 4 years so we'll see how that goes. I love my parents but they can drive anyone crazy after 8 days (and i'm sure I'd drive them nuts too). I'm hoping that this time will also help with my trich- I tend not to pull as much when I'm not in my apartment and my mother does get on my case when I'm not doing well with it so hopefully that will be added motivation. Or perhaps that will cause me to only last 4 days and then head back to the city. We'll see.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Weekly report
Things are definitely starting to improve but this morning I was confronted with the ugly reality that I still havent broken up with my tweezers. I have plenty of excuses why but that is all they are, excuses. I'm so self conscious of all the other little hairs that no one else would notice and yet that is the biggest excuse I keep telling myself- "I'm just waiting to get them out one more time and then I'll throw away the tweezers". Ha, we'll see.
Now is the perfect time to have all my eyelashes and eyebrows, it's summer (obviously) and there are more of my "reasons to stop" then ever- sun, bright lights, swimming, you name it. Oh, and there is the new guy. My eyes and eyebrows arent horrible but they arent fabulous either. With working out and doing pilates fairly regularly now to keep my anxiety low, I'm starting to feel a lot better and I want to look how I feel. The next step for me is also giving up my couple cigarettes a day a habit in which I disgust myself. July 1 is the date for quitting that horrible habit.
Sadly I think one of the biggest driving factors behind quitting smoking and getting my trich back under control is the effect this will all one day have on my aging process. I've already noticed the wrinkles that have been forming on my forehead b/c I constantly scrunch my forehead when I'm feeling my eyelashes and eyebrows. It's such a vicious cycle. I dont want to be one of those people who is 50 and looks 85. No thank you. So maybe being a little vain in this situation is a good thing. I'm getting ready for the big 30th bday which I'm actually very excited about and continuing to work on setting new goals and evaluating where I can improve in my life, with one of my top priorities being to continue my struggle to beat trich.
Anyway, this was a little bit of a random post but I guess it helps just to get all my thoughts down and the last few weeks have been so busy that I havent had the most organized thought process anyway. I hope anyone reading this is doing well with their own struggles with trich, stay strong, it's a new day (and a really, really hot day!)
Now is the perfect time to have all my eyelashes and eyebrows, it's summer (obviously) and there are more of my "reasons to stop" then ever- sun, bright lights, swimming, you name it. Oh, and there is the new guy. My eyes and eyebrows arent horrible but they arent fabulous either. With working out and doing pilates fairly regularly now to keep my anxiety low, I'm starting to feel a lot better and I want to look how I feel. The next step for me is also giving up my couple cigarettes a day a habit in which I disgust myself. July 1 is the date for quitting that horrible habit.
Sadly I think one of the biggest driving factors behind quitting smoking and getting my trich back under control is the effect this will all one day have on my aging process. I've already noticed the wrinkles that have been forming on my forehead b/c I constantly scrunch my forehead when I'm feeling my eyelashes and eyebrows. It's such a vicious cycle. I dont want to be one of those people who is 50 and looks 85. No thank you. So maybe being a little vain in this situation is a good thing. I'm getting ready for the big 30th bday which I'm actually very excited about and continuing to work on setting new goals and evaluating where I can improve in my life, with one of my top priorities being to continue my struggle to beat trich.
Anyway, this was a little bit of a random post but I guess it helps just to get all my thoughts down and the last few weeks have been so busy that I havent had the most organized thought process anyway. I hope anyone reading this is doing well with their own struggles with trich, stay strong, it's a new day (and a really, really hot day!)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Dear tweezers, I think we need to break up
Dear tweezers:
For a long time now I have depended on you. You have been there when I've been anxious and you have helped me indulge in my hair addiction for as long as I can remember. When you are not around I begin to panic. I rely on you. You help me get out those tiny little hairs, no matter where they are, that I cant get out on my own. You are almost like an extension of my hand at this point- like Edward Scissorhands or something but in tweezer form.
As much as you have been there for me over the years I think we need to break up. This has become an extremely unhealthy relationship. You make it too easy for me to continue my obsession with miscellaneous hairs. After we spend time together I usually feel terrible and yet I keep coming back again and again. I know I need to stop seeing you and yet it causes me anxiety to think of all the places that little hairs will appear that I will not be able to control- like the ones on my chest and near my belly button- I despise having those hairs and you have helped me with them time and time again.
If I am ever going to win my battle with trich and lead a healthy and happy life then I need to let you go. It's not you, it's me. I dont know how to keep you around without it ultimately hurting me. So today I'm going to summon the strength to say goodbye. I already feel the panic rising in me but I know it's for the best. Like every relationship that ends, I know it is going to be hard for a long time but I'm hoping that a better, positive relationship will come along. We've had a good run but it's just time to let go.
Your now-ex,
Kim
For a long time now I have depended on you. You have been there when I've been anxious and you have helped me indulge in my hair addiction for as long as I can remember. When you are not around I begin to panic. I rely on you. You help me get out those tiny little hairs, no matter where they are, that I cant get out on my own. You are almost like an extension of my hand at this point- like Edward Scissorhands or something but in tweezer form.
As much as you have been there for me over the years I think we need to break up. This has become an extremely unhealthy relationship. You make it too easy for me to continue my obsession with miscellaneous hairs. After we spend time together I usually feel terrible and yet I keep coming back again and again. I know I need to stop seeing you and yet it causes me anxiety to think of all the places that little hairs will appear that I will not be able to control- like the ones on my chest and near my belly button- I despise having those hairs and you have helped me with them time and time again.
If I am ever going to win my battle with trich and lead a healthy and happy life then I need to let you go. It's not you, it's me. I dont know how to keep you around without it ultimately hurting me. So today I'm going to summon the strength to say goodbye. I already feel the panic rising in me but I know it's for the best. Like every relationship that ends, I know it is going to be hard for a long time but I'm hoping that a better, positive relationship will come along. We've had a good run but it's just time to let go.
Your now-ex,
Kim
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Moving on
Last week was not a good week for me. While I posted about picking up and moving on with my slips, it just didnt quite work out that way. I just couldnt get myself to stop pulling. I would be sitting down, have an urge, remove my hand from up by my eyes and breath, telling myself all the reasons that I didnt want to pull. I would think that the urge had passed and literally as soon as I stopped the mental chats with myself, I would go right back to pulling, barely missing a beat.
I wish there was some big stresser, some event I could point to and say "that was the source of my pulling" but I cant. It was an average, ordinary week. I've been casually seeing this really nice guy who works in the courthouse, family and work life is the same, I had a great weekend and week seeing friends- I just cant explain it.
The damage has been done. About half of my left eyebrow is gone and now has to be penciled in again which I hate more than I've ever hated it. The eyelashes on my left eyelid are fairly thin with tiny spots where I'm missing eyelashes altogether. The right eyebrow and eyelashes fared a bit better but they have also been thinned out. I was so angry with myself but now I'm over it. Its the consequence for my slip and I have to deal with it.
This week has already been better but I've stepped up my efforts big time. For the last few days I have been working out in the morning for a solid 30 minutes and then doing pilates or yoga when I get home. I'm cutting out most of the junk food (still cant get rid of my need for some cookies or chocolate each day). I'm also reading a book called the Happiness Project which has kind of been inspiring me to get my life back on track and figure out what I really want. Sometimes I think I really need to stop and be introspective, figure out a new direction or hobby to fulfill. While I wouldnt say I'm unhappy at this stage of my life, I definitely benefit from trying to improve my life now and figure out how to be a calmer, more balanced, happier person in the future and I'm hoping that spills over into my battle with trich.
For now it's back to court where I'm finishing up a bench trial (hopefully) and immediately beginning a new trial for my client that I truly believe is innocent and being wrongfully accused. Wish me luck! (and good luck to anyone reading that I'm sure can relate to the ups and downs of trich!)
I wish there was some big stresser, some event I could point to and say "that was the source of my pulling" but I cant. It was an average, ordinary week. I've been casually seeing this really nice guy who works in the courthouse, family and work life is the same, I had a great weekend and week seeing friends- I just cant explain it.
The damage has been done. About half of my left eyebrow is gone and now has to be penciled in again which I hate more than I've ever hated it. The eyelashes on my left eyelid are fairly thin with tiny spots where I'm missing eyelashes altogether. The right eyebrow and eyelashes fared a bit better but they have also been thinned out. I was so angry with myself but now I'm over it. Its the consequence for my slip and I have to deal with it.
This week has already been better but I've stepped up my efforts big time. For the last few days I have been working out in the morning for a solid 30 minutes and then doing pilates or yoga when I get home. I'm cutting out most of the junk food (still cant get rid of my need for some cookies or chocolate each day). I'm also reading a book called the Happiness Project which has kind of been inspiring me to get my life back on track and figure out what I really want. Sometimes I think I really need to stop and be introspective, figure out a new direction or hobby to fulfill. While I wouldnt say I'm unhappy at this stage of my life, I definitely benefit from trying to improve my life now and figure out how to be a calmer, more balanced, happier person in the future and I'm hoping that spills over into my battle with trich.
For now it's back to court where I'm finishing up a bench trial (hopefully) and immediately beginning a new trial for my client that I truly believe is innocent and being wrongfully accused. Wish me luck! (and good luck to anyone reading that I'm sure can relate to the ups and downs of trich!)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Day by day
I went home from work last night with the best of intentions. All was going well until I finally sat down to watch TV and within 10 minutes I had pulled one. "It's just one, I wont even be able to tell." The rationalization is almost disturbing, trich is literally an addiction and I have to stop.
Sometimes i will find an eyelash to focus on (not even when looking in the mirror) and I will just rub it back and forth between my fingers, convincing myself that if it falls out "on its own" then it doesnt really count. Ha.
Well today I forced myself to get up early (which I'd also been slacking off on) and work out, I"m back to limiting sweet foods and caffeine and I'm just going to keep on trying.
About two weeks ago I had contacted someone from a NYC support group- apparently they meet once a week and it's not that far from my apartment. I got the information but for some reason I just cant bring myself to go.... maybe thats the final step I need to make to confront this disease? Maybe facing people in person will make this easier? Just not sure I'm ready, even after all this time.......
Sometimes i will find an eyelash to focus on (not even when looking in the mirror) and I will just rub it back and forth between my fingers, convincing myself that if it falls out "on its own" then it doesnt really count. Ha.
Well today I forced myself to get up early (which I'd also been slacking off on) and work out, I"m back to limiting sweet foods and caffeine and I'm just going to keep on trying.
About two weeks ago I had contacted someone from a NYC support group- apparently they meet once a week and it's not that far from my apartment. I got the information but for some reason I just cant bring myself to go.... maybe thats the final step I need to make to confront this disease? Maybe facing people in person will make this easier? Just not sure I'm ready, even after all this time.......
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
One more post today- New Developments
For the last few months I have been following another blogger who shared this information recently on possible developments in trich research- for anyone who may not also follow her blog, I wanted to share with you: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=10947928
Her blog, which I have found very helpful reading (and relating to) in my own 'quest' to beat trich, can be found at: http://trappedbytrich.blogspot.com/
Her blog, which I have found very helpful reading (and relating to) in my own 'quest' to beat trich, can be found at: http://trappedbytrich.blogspot.com/
And I'm back
I'm sorry for the hiatus- I'm not sure what has been going on with me but I've been in a little bit of a rut the last few weeks and trich is taking full advantage of me. While my eyelashes and eyebrows are more or less in tact (although the right eyebrow is looking way to thin), I have slipped probably more times than I remember and I know I need to get back on the ball before it gets any worse.
I could probably make a hundred excuses for why I'm not doing well but the truth is nothing is too out of the ordinary so I dont really know. My job is certainly sucking the life out of me but yet I have also been slacking off in moving forward with my business plan. Social life is going well and I'm loving the spring/summer weather but I just have to get motivated again.
Today is a new day. Time to refocus and begin moving forward again- it's so easy to get stuck in a rut, come up with excuses and rationalize behavior, but at the end of the day I'm only hurting myself. It's time to rally again.
I could probably make a hundred excuses for why I'm not doing well but the truth is nothing is too out of the ordinary so I dont really know. My job is certainly sucking the life out of me but yet I have also been slacking off in moving forward with my business plan. Social life is going well and I'm loving the spring/summer weather but I just have to get motivated again.
Today is a new day. Time to refocus and begin moving forward again- it's so easy to get stuck in a rut, come up with excuses and rationalize behavior, but at the end of the day I'm only hurting myself. It's time to rally again.
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