I dont typically post more than once in a day but today I just had to. I just got home from work a little while ago and was in the bathroom getting ready to take off my make up and wash my face(another new routine I've been working on- doing an almost facial like cleansing as soon as I walked in the door). This was the first time today I was really able to see (in the light) how my lashes looked with a little mascara- it was incredible.
The hard work and all the new things I've been trying the last two months have been well worth it. I feel as much enthusiasm now to fight trich as the day I really put my foot down and decided to kick this once and for all. Finally being able to see the progress makes me not want to pull at all- I'm actually annoyed with myself for ever wanting to pull because I've missed out on years of feeling this good. Now I want them to be thicker and fuller and I cant wait until they are.
Anyway, I just wanted to share something positive. This is by no means the end of my struggle but was such a wonderful reminder of what I'm trying to achieve- not just having my hair back, but regaining the self confidence I've been missing for years. Keep up the hard work- its a slow process but once you are able to see your progress it will be worth every difficult minute! Good luck!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
6 of one, 1/2 dozen of the other
This morning I was trying to decide whether it was easier to not pull when the hair was really growing back in or when there was little hair and the ones coming in were stubby/short/dark/alone? Let's be honest, both scenarios suck and I'm sure, like me, you'd rather just not want to pull at all.
Now that my hair is really growing back there are so many options to pull. There are more "wrong way" and "stand out" hairs to choose from which makes it tough but I am getting closer and closer to FINALLY having my eyebrows and eyelashes back. This morning on my way back to the office from court, I stopped in the Mac store at Grand Central station and bought mascara for the first time ever. I've used mascara before but usually because I get it as part of the free Clinique gift or something- I've never actually gone out and bought mascara.
I must admit that it felt so good to be able to take that step and I admitted to the makeup woman that this was the first time I've ever really had eyelashes so I needed a little lesson on how to put on make up (its different when you are using it to compliment the hair you already have vs. using the makeup to substitute the hair you dont). Anyway, I cant believe that I actually came out and told her- a complete stranger. I didnt give her a reason but I also didnt start off with a bullshit excuse or lie.
Anyway, because I was feeling so good and confident with my "new hair" I decided to take it one step further and bought concealer, different brushes, a whole bunch of stuff. Normally I am in and out when it comes to make up because I'm so self conscious about my face and I've never really taken the time how to learn how to use make up but it was wonderful to have this new confidence- I just have to remind myself of that great feeling (instead of the bad feeling i always get after I pull) when the urges get really strong.
Reason #20 (skipping to 20 after your suggestions for #18 and #19)- never learning how to actually use make up for its intended purpose since that would have required having a stranger too close to my face.
Now that my hair is really growing back there are so many options to pull. There are more "wrong way" and "stand out" hairs to choose from which makes it tough but I am getting closer and closer to FINALLY having my eyebrows and eyelashes back. This morning on my way back to the office from court, I stopped in the Mac store at Grand Central station and bought mascara for the first time ever. I've used mascara before but usually because I get it as part of the free Clinique gift or something- I've never actually gone out and bought mascara.
I must admit that it felt so good to be able to take that step and I admitted to the makeup woman that this was the first time I've ever really had eyelashes so I needed a little lesson on how to put on make up (its different when you are using it to compliment the hair you already have vs. using the makeup to substitute the hair you dont). Anyway, I cant believe that I actually came out and told her- a complete stranger. I didnt give her a reason but I also didnt start off with a bullshit excuse or lie.
Anyway, because I was feeling so good and confident with my "new hair" I decided to take it one step further and bought concealer, different brushes, a whole bunch of stuff. Normally I am in and out when it comes to make up because I'm so self conscious about my face and I've never really taken the time how to learn how to use make up but it was wonderful to have this new confidence- I just have to remind myself of that great feeling (instead of the bad feeling i always get after I pull) when the urges get really strong.
Reason #20 (skipping to 20 after your suggestions for #18 and #19)- never learning how to actually use make up for its intended purpose since that would have required having a stranger too close to my face.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
A time to heal
Well last night I caved and bought a new pair of tweezers. Its pathetic that I could barely make it 72 hours without picking up those little silver pulling aids but its the truth. On a positive note, I stuck to my new routine, went into the bathroom as soon as I got home, pulled only the ones I allow myself to pull (a weekly trim of the eyebrows and the random body hairs) and then put the tweezers away and never returned. Unlike the previous two nights, my stress level was greatly reduced and I wasnt constantly stroking my eyebrows, nor obsessing over any other hairs. Sadly I think buying the tweezers kept me from slipping and doing real damage.
Last night I also couldnt help but think that it has been two months and its still a pretty tough struggle. Part of me anticipated that 21 years wouldnt be corrected in just a couple months but I did hope it would get easier. While there are many situations that I've learned to deal with differently, it's still requiring constant focus and drive to keep up the progress. I'm still committed, I just am ready for it to get a little easier. To help keep myself focused, I'm going to use today to reflect on the last two months and put my list of reasons to stop together in this post so I have something to go back on and remind myself of all the reasons to stop (and I'd encourage anyone reading to comment and add to this list - I will repost again soon with even more reasons!).
Reason #1 to stop -the feeling that you have to run to the bathroom when hooking up with a guy to make sure the eyeliner is still in place so he doesnt easily see what is missing.
Reasons #2 to stop- Rain (and swimming, and anything that has to do with water since you never know how it will leave your make up and that feeling in the bottom of your stomach when you are out, you cant fix your make up, and you wonder how bad it is).
Reason #3: Pictures/closeups which seem to make the lack of eyelashes that much more apparent.
Reason #4: Camping/outdoor excursions- (I LOVE the outdoors but always hold back on going on trips where I know I will be around others but will have to come up with an excuse as to why i'm fixing my make up on a nature hike!)
Reason #5- crowded situations where you are forced to talk to people very close up and become extremely self conscious.
Reason # 6- feeling powerless that something has so much control over who I am, what I do, and how I live my life.
Reason #6- networking function requiring close talking
Reason # 7- the wrinkles that are appearing on my forehead (i'm 29!) because I always raise my eyebrows when stroking my eyelashes and feeling for what I will be trying to pick/not pick next- over the years I think I've spent so much time lifting my eyebrows to pluck my eyebrows that I'm getting premature awful wrinkles (which I just noticed a couple weeks ago too!).
Reason #8- the fear of bright spots/locations.
Reason #9 to stop- the anxiety of realizing I’m somewhere without my eyeliner.
Reason #10- being filmed where I cant control the views and close ups that are taken.
Reason #11- the dark circles that will often appear around my eyes as a result of wearing eyeliner (which smudges) with no eyelashes.
Reason #12- the need to always wear make up to hide the signs of trich
Reason #13- always feeling self conscious that people are aware of your 'secret'
Reason #14 -the unnecessary anxiety that is created when I feel a hair that is "out of place" and cant stop obsessing about it. Who needs extra anxiety in their life?
Reason #15- the scars that have developed on my body that will forever be a constant reminder of my trich and the embarrassment over having to try and explain where they came from.
Reason #16- all the bullshit stories I’ve told to “explain” why I have no eyebrows or eyelashes and the crappy way lying makes me feel.
Reason #17- the time/energy wasted on trying to cover up my trich.
Last night I also couldnt help but think that it has been two months and its still a pretty tough struggle. Part of me anticipated that 21 years wouldnt be corrected in just a couple months but I did hope it would get easier. While there are many situations that I've learned to deal with differently, it's still requiring constant focus and drive to keep up the progress. I'm still committed, I just am ready for it to get a little easier. To help keep myself focused, I'm going to use today to reflect on the last two months and put my list of reasons to stop together in this post so I have something to go back on and remind myself of all the reasons to stop (and I'd encourage anyone reading to comment and add to this list - I will repost again soon with even more reasons!).
Reason #1 to stop -the feeling that you have to run to the bathroom when hooking up with a guy to make sure the eyeliner is still in place so he doesnt easily see what is missing.
Reasons #2 to stop- Rain (and swimming, and anything that has to do with water since you never know how it will leave your make up and that feeling in the bottom of your stomach when you are out, you cant fix your make up, and you wonder how bad it is).
Reason #3: Pictures/closeups which seem to make the lack of eyelashes that much more apparent.
Reason #4: Camping/outdoor excursions- (I LOVE the outdoors but always hold back on going on trips where I know I will be around others but will have to come up with an excuse as to why i'm fixing my make up on a nature hike!)
Reason #5- crowded situations where you are forced to talk to people very close up and become extremely self conscious.
Reason # 6- feeling powerless that something has so much control over who I am, what I do, and how I live my life.
Reason #6- networking function requiring close talking
Reason # 7- the wrinkles that are appearing on my forehead (i'm 29!) because I always raise my eyebrows when stroking my eyelashes and feeling for what I will be trying to pick/not pick next- over the years I think I've spent so much time lifting my eyebrows to pluck my eyebrows that I'm getting premature awful wrinkles (which I just noticed a couple weeks ago too!).
Reason #8- the fear of bright spots/locations.
Reason #9 to stop- the anxiety of realizing I’m somewhere without my eyeliner.
Reason #10- being filmed where I cant control the views and close ups that are taken.
Reason #11- the dark circles that will often appear around my eyes as a result of wearing eyeliner (which smudges) with no eyelashes.
Reason #12- the need to always wear make up to hide the signs of trich
Reason #13- always feeling self conscious that people are aware of your 'secret'
Reason #14 -the unnecessary anxiety that is created when I feel a hair that is "out of place" and cant stop obsessing about it. Who needs extra anxiety in their life?
Reason #15- the scars that have developed on my body that will forever be a constant reminder of my trich and the embarrassment over having to try and explain where they came from.
Reason #16- all the bullshit stories I’ve told to “explain” why I have no eyebrows or eyelashes and the crappy way lying makes me feel.
Reason #17- the time/energy wasted on trying to cover up my trich.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
My Tweezer Codependency
Atlantic City was, well, Atlantic City. As expected, there were plenty of gold chain wearing fist pumping guidos and my friend had decided that we dont deal with enough crowds in NYC and that we would go to a club where we were probably the oldest people there and unable to move an inch. Fun times. It was nice to have a change of scenery and it was wonderful spending time with my friend Danielle - I cant remember the last time we had a girls weekend together. It would have been great if we had won some money but oh well- at least we didnt lose too much.
I've held strong since my slip up last week but felt it was time to address my tweezer codependency. I havent always used tweezers to pull, it probably started around high school and again, I didnt start pulling my eyebrows until college.
Despite my current battle to manage trich, I had not yet given up the tweezers. I was using them only for random body hairs that I obsess over (i truthfully havent been fighting this aspect of trich) and for when my eyebrows are out of control so I dont go crazy (i've admitted this before). At some point this weekend, the tweezers went missing. I'm not sure if I lost them in my laundry or if I just misplaced them somewhere, but they have been missing since Saturday.
First let me confess that I do pull hairs from all other areas of my body- I'll tweeze around my belly button, random dark hairs that appear on my chest every few months (i'm a dark blonde naturally, well, i think i am since its been a while since I saw my natural color), wherever a hair appears that doesnt seem to belong. This is another side of trich that I am so embarrassed about and have never before admitted.
Over the years i have devoped little scars on my body from all the unnatural tweezing I have done. I obsess over these hairs since, unlike eyebrows and eyelashes, they seem SO unnatural. Whether that is rational or not, that is how I think. If trich is like any other addiction, I probably would need to give this "pulling" up to in order to beat my trich but, for some reason, I'm really just focused on my eyebrows and eyelashes (although I've been better about pulling everything).
Anyway, Sunday night was when I noticed the tweezers were really missing. For most 'normal' people, they would just figure it was lost and go about their day. Not me. I searched for the tweezers and had a feeling of panic in my stomach when they didnt turn up. Luckily Sunday's search only lasted about 10 minutes and then I was able to relax and let it go. Last night was a little different.
My eyebrow hairs have been coming in so well that last night was time to do a little natural trimming so I could prevent them from getting too out of control which would inevitably lead me to pulling them all out. This may sound like I'm avoiding my trich entirely, but this is how I need to do this. Anyway, there are 3 eyebrow hairs that are much lower than my eyebrows- they are close to the eyelid but not eyelashes. They are actually painful. That may sound crazy, but even sitting here now I can feel them. Normally i would allow myself to tweeze these hairs (and only these hairs) but I still couldnt find the tweezer.
Perhaps it was that I was completely exhausted last night and wasnt as conscious of my behavior but the missing tweezer almost sent me into an anxiety attack. I NEEDED to get those hairs out and couldnt stop thinking about them. I know how this all sounds and I suppose I felt that until I admitted my tweezer codependency, I would be not fully opening up to anyone reading or to myself.
To keep from using the tweezers regularly I have been keeping them at the opposite end of my apartment so I don't just use it- so I have to consciously get up and decide to use them. Its been working in the sense that once every week or two I allow myself to do a small grooming of my eyebrows and i haven't been using it to pull like I normally would. I do, however, use the tweezers fairly regularly to pull out any "out of place/unnatural body hairs" that appear. I'm mortified at the idea of hooking up with a guy only to have him see I have random black hairs all around my bellybutton, but another part of me is mortified at, in this same scenario, a guy (or anyone at the beach) seeing the tiny little scars I've accumulated in the process.
Even now I'm thinking about those 3 little hairs. Normally during the day I dont have any urges to pull but right now that isnt the case- I still want them out.
I dont know how to reconcile this situation. I know that I cant give up getting rid of those body hairs but dont want to risk it spilling over and affecting the progress I've made with my eyebrows and eyelashes (on Sunday morning just wearing a little mascara and nothing else which is a definite first for me- it feels SO empowering).
Anyway, that's my confession. I haven't figured out how to address this aspect of my trich or how to change my mindset so that I can live with those little dark hairs all over me. The plush little toy I bought last week to keep my hands busy isn't helping this particular situation. If you have suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Until then, I'm going to just try keeping my focus and hope that I can get past this and come up with a realistic plan...........
Reason #15- the scars that have developed on my body that will forever be a constant reminder of my trich and the embarrassment over having to try and explain where they came from.
I've held strong since my slip up last week but felt it was time to address my tweezer codependency. I havent always used tweezers to pull, it probably started around high school and again, I didnt start pulling my eyebrows until college.
Despite my current battle to manage trich, I had not yet given up the tweezers. I was using them only for random body hairs that I obsess over (i truthfully havent been fighting this aspect of trich) and for when my eyebrows are out of control so I dont go crazy (i've admitted this before). At some point this weekend, the tweezers went missing. I'm not sure if I lost them in my laundry or if I just misplaced them somewhere, but they have been missing since Saturday.
First let me confess that I do pull hairs from all other areas of my body- I'll tweeze around my belly button, random dark hairs that appear on my chest every few months (i'm a dark blonde naturally, well, i think i am since its been a while since I saw my natural color), wherever a hair appears that doesnt seem to belong. This is another side of trich that I am so embarrassed about and have never before admitted.
Over the years i have devoped little scars on my body from all the unnatural tweezing I have done. I obsess over these hairs since, unlike eyebrows and eyelashes, they seem SO unnatural. Whether that is rational or not, that is how I think. If trich is like any other addiction, I probably would need to give this "pulling" up to in order to beat my trich but, for some reason, I'm really just focused on my eyebrows and eyelashes (although I've been better about pulling everything).
Anyway, Sunday night was when I noticed the tweezers were really missing. For most 'normal' people, they would just figure it was lost and go about their day. Not me. I searched for the tweezers and had a feeling of panic in my stomach when they didnt turn up. Luckily Sunday's search only lasted about 10 minutes and then I was able to relax and let it go. Last night was a little different.
My eyebrow hairs have been coming in so well that last night was time to do a little natural trimming so I could prevent them from getting too out of control which would inevitably lead me to pulling them all out. This may sound like I'm avoiding my trich entirely, but this is how I need to do this. Anyway, there are 3 eyebrow hairs that are much lower than my eyebrows- they are close to the eyelid but not eyelashes. They are actually painful. That may sound crazy, but even sitting here now I can feel them. Normally i would allow myself to tweeze these hairs (and only these hairs) but I still couldnt find the tweezer.
Perhaps it was that I was completely exhausted last night and wasnt as conscious of my behavior but the missing tweezer almost sent me into an anxiety attack. I NEEDED to get those hairs out and couldnt stop thinking about them. I know how this all sounds and I suppose I felt that until I admitted my tweezer codependency, I would be not fully opening up to anyone reading or to myself.
To keep from using the tweezers regularly I have been keeping them at the opposite end of my apartment so I don't just use it- so I have to consciously get up and decide to use them. Its been working in the sense that once every week or two I allow myself to do a small grooming of my eyebrows and i haven't been using it to pull like I normally would. I do, however, use the tweezers fairly regularly to pull out any "out of place/unnatural body hairs" that appear. I'm mortified at the idea of hooking up with a guy only to have him see I have random black hairs all around my bellybutton, but another part of me is mortified at, in this same scenario, a guy (or anyone at the beach) seeing the tiny little scars I've accumulated in the process.
Even now I'm thinking about those 3 little hairs. Normally during the day I dont have any urges to pull but right now that isnt the case- I still want them out.
I dont know how to reconcile this situation. I know that I cant give up getting rid of those body hairs but dont want to risk it spilling over and affecting the progress I've made with my eyebrows and eyelashes (on Sunday morning just wearing a little mascara and nothing else which is a definite first for me- it feels SO empowering).
Anyway, that's my confession. I haven't figured out how to address this aspect of my trich or how to change my mindset so that I can live with those little dark hairs all over me. The plush little toy I bought last week to keep my hands busy isn't helping this particular situation. If you have suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Until then, I'm going to just try keeping my focus and hope that I can get past this and come up with a realistic plan...........
Reason #15- the scars that have developed on my body that will forever be a constant reminder of my trich and the embarrassment over having to try and explain where they came from.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
What a week
I know that I've slacked off this week with my posts and I'm sorry for anyone that has been reading my blog. This has been another crazy week with my trial (that was supposed to start yesterday and now looks like it will start Monday), the boy situation, family stuff- really when the chaos starts it just keeps coming. Besides my one brief slip last week, and another slip on Monday when I pulled one of the wrong way hairs, I'm doing pretty well and my eyelashes and eyebrows are looking really good.
Truthfully I cant think of what to write about today. On Friday, after months of being lied to, I finally found out the now-ex-boyfriend is married. He called and finally fessed up, claiming it was a bad marriage and that they dont even sleep in the same room. While I'm not judging anyone else in a similar situation- to me, this is not acceptable. Either get a therapist or get a divorce but dont drag me into your drama. He called and texted over and over, begging me to meet him on Saturday so he could explain. I dont know what there is to explain. As much as I liked him, and as hurt as I am over this situation, I refused to play his games and never responded after that one phone conversation. That was enough for me.
So it sucks. There is a new rebound guy for now but unfortunately the worst part is the breach of trust. How do you go on trusting people when there are so many liars out there? Sadly part of me hopes that he calls but a bigger part of me knows I wouldnt want anything to do with him if he is the type of person who will cheat on his wife. No thanks.
Anyway, thats been fun drama for the last couple weeks but again, I'm pretty proud of myself for doing as well as I have with pulling in the face of all this stress. On Sunday night I literally had to keep getting up and keeping busy so I wouldnt pull, to the point where I couldnt even go to bed at a normal hour because I kept forcing myself to get out of bed when I had urges. It was a rough night but I made it through.
This weekend, despite the horrible timing, I am going away with girlfriends to Atlantic City to celebrate two of my friends turning 30. Right now its a bit stressful trying to plan it and get everything done but I'm sure it'll be a welcome distraction once we are there. In the meantime, just have to stay positive, know that I can beat this horrible disease and keep taking it one day at a time!
Reason #14- the unnecessary anxiety that is created when I feel a hair that is "out of place" and cant stop obsessing about it. Who needs extra anxiety in their life?
Truthfully I cant think of what to write about today. On Friday, after months of being lied to, I finally found out the now-ex-boyfriend is married. He called and finally fessed up, claiming it was a bad marriage and that they dont even sleep in the same room. While I'm not judging anyone else in a similar situation- to me, this is not acceptable. Either get a therapist or get a divorce but dont drag me into your drama. He called and texted over and over, begging me to meet him on Saturday so he could explain. I dont know what there is to explain. As much as I liked him, and as hurt as I am over this situation, I refused to play his games and never responded after that one phone conversation. That was enough for me.
So it sucks. There is a new rebound guy for now but unfortunately the worst part is the breach of trust. How do you go on trusting people when there are so many liars out there? Sadly part of me hopes that he calls but a bigger part of me knows I wouldnt want anything to do with him if he is the type of person who will cheat on his wife. No thanks.
Anyway, thats been fun drama for the last couple weeks but again, I'm pretty proud of myself for doing as well as I have with pulling in the face of all this stress. On Sunday night I literally had to keep getting up and keeping busy so I wouldnt pull, to the point where I couldnt even go to bed at a normal hour because I kept forcing myself to get out of bed when I had urges. It was a rough night but I made it through.
This weekend, despite the horrible timing, I am going away with girlfriends to Atlantic City to celebrate two of my friends turning 30. Right now its a bit stressful trying to plan it and get everything done but I'm sure it'll be a welcome distraction once we are there. In the meantime, just have to stay positive, know that I can beat this horrible disease and keep taking it one day at a time!
Reason #14- the unnecessary anxiety that is created when I feel a hair that is "out of place" and cant stop obsessing about it. Who needs extra anxiety in their life?
Friday, February 12, 2010
Couldnt make this stuff up
Let's start with the bad news. The bad news is that on Wednesday night I slipped and pulled. That's the bad news. The good news is that I made it 17 days without pulling. The good news is this time I only pulled one and I was able to stop from pulling any more. The good news is I dont feel horrible about the situation- I'm actually feeling proud of myself for making it as far as I did, for being in control enough from stopping myself from really doing damage, and for allowing myself this slip without allowing the guilt to take over and move me back to the bottom of my trich progress ladder.
Based upon everything thats going on right now, and as I've indicated before, I'm not shocked that I slipped. On Wednesday I found out that the last three months I've spent with my now ex-bf were a total lie. To give the quick summary- we had plans for Saturday and he went MIA. No word, nothing. He'd never done that before and everything with us seemed to be going great so it was so bizarre and, to top it off, his phone had been broken for days. By Wednesday I started getting really worried that maybe he wasnt just being an asshole and blowing me off, but that he could be dead in a ditch. He's not.
I called his friend and left a message that I was just concerned and then called the restaurant he was working at (and that he told me he quit last Thursday) and was asked "who is this, his wife?" Oh yes. Then they basically told me that his last name may not even be his last name. His friend called me back and said he was fine, just had to leave for Italy early b/c his mom had a stroke. Hmmm. About 10 minutes later I start getting multiple texts from him saying he is fine, his mother isnt doing well but he's in Italy. Then he starts saying our relationship is moving to fast, that he isnt married, just scared and didnt know how to tell me (and really our relationship was moving slowly and I've always been really laid back about it). I dont know if he thought he was breaking up with me b/c in my mind, with all the shit I already was thinking after he went MIA, it was already over. I dont need that drama.
It got better. He then called and continued to insist everything he told me was the truth and that, when he got back, he wanted to talk and get drinks. I said there was no point. I was really proud how calm I stayed throughout our talk- I didnt get upset, didnt give him that satisfaction. The whole thing was just crazy and its scary knowing I spent 3 months with someone and might not even know what his name really was. Last night I was emailing with my friend Peter, who had met the bf, and was filling him in on the latest. Peter offered to go to the restaurant and see if he was there and I couldnt pass up the opportunity to get some clarity. He wasnt there but, apparently he had called in earlier to see if it was busy and he could take off and he was due in the next day. So much for taking care of a dying mother in Italy- who lies about that?
At least I know. Of course it's hurtful and makes me sad, but I dont want to waste my time on someone who I cant trust and who doesnt want to really be with me, let alone someone that is even willing to lie about his mom like that. Thats just sick.
So all the emotions of this and everything else that has added up and I slipped. But I held out a long time, I was able to control the situation and not go on a pulling rampage, and now I"m ready to make it 18 days. Learning to manage trich is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. I have to train myself to handle stressful situations because, lets be honest, how often is life really stress-free? And the best revenge I can think is to one day see him again and look fantastic, with my eyelashes and eyebrows fully grown. Screw him.
Reason #13 to stop- always feeling self conscious that people are aware of your 'secret'
Based upon everything thats going on right now, and as I've indicated before, I'm not shocked that I slipped. On Wednesday I found out that the last three months I've spent with my now ex-bf were a total lie. To give the quick summary- we had plans for Saturday and he went MIA. No word, nothing. He'd never done that before and everything with us seemed to be going great so it was so bizarre and, to top it off, his phone had been broken for days. By Wednesday I started getting really worried that maybe he wasnt just being an asshole and blowing me off, but that he could be dead in a ditch. He's not.
I called his friend and left a message that I was just concerned and then called the restaurant he was working at (and that he told me he quit last Thursday) and was asked "who is this, his wife?" Oh yes. Then they basically told me that his last name may not even be his last name. His friend called me back and said he was fine, just had to leave for Italy early b/c his mom had a stroke. Hmmm. About 10 minutes later I start getting multiple texts from him saying he is fine, his mother isnt doing well but he's in Italy. Then he starts saying our relationship is moving to fast, that he isnt married, just scared and didnt know how to tell me (and really our relationship was moving slowly and I've always been really laid back about it). I dont know if he thought he was breaking up with me b/c in my mind, with all the shit I already was thinking after he went MIA, it was already over. I dont need that drama.
It got better. He then called and continued to insist everything he told me was the truth and that, when he got back, he wanted to talk and get drinks. I said there was no point. I was really proud how calm I stayed throughout our talk- I didnt get upset, didnt give him that satisfaction. The whole thing was just crazy and its scary knowing I spent 3 months with someone and might not even know what his name really was. Last night I was emailing with my friend Peter, who had met the bf, and was filling him in on the latest. Peter offered to go to the restaurant and see if he was there and I couldnt pass up the opportunity to get some clarity. He wasnt there but, apparently he had called in earlier to see if it was busy and he could take off and he was due in the next day. So much for taking care of a dying mother in Italy- who lies about that?
At least I know. Of course it's hurtful and makes me sad, but I dont want to waste my time on someone who I cant trust and who doesnt want to really be with me, let alone someone that is even willing to lie about his mom like that. Thats just sick.
So all the emotions of this and everything else that has added up and I slipped. But I held out a long time, I was able to control the situation and not go on a pulling rampage, and now I"m ready to make it 18 days. Learning to manage trich is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. I have to train myself to handle stressful situations because, lets be honest, how often is life really stress-free? And the best revenge I can think is to one day see him again and look fantastic, with my eyelashes and eyebrows fully grown. Screw him.
Reason #13 to stop- always feeling self conscious that people are aware of your 'secret'
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Choosing not to pull (sounds so easy, doesnt it?)
It's been a hell of a week and a half and while life hasn't gotten too much less stressful, I'm still somehow hanging on day to day. I swear each night has been getting harder and this is taking every bit of willpower I have in me. While I want to pull less and less after seeing such positive results with my hair really growing in, the uncontrollable, and also subconscious, need to pull is testing me each day.
I'm trying to think of trich as the one thing right now I can control- I dont HAVE to pull. While so many other things in life dont give you a choice, I can do everything in my power to choose not to pull. Anyone with trich knows that this isnt an easy decision. It's not something you can just wake up one day and say "guess what, I'm never going to pull again, thats my choice!" ha. If it were that simple, there wouldn't be so many people suffering from this disease and living a life often filled with shame over the pulling. But I'm trying to take any energy I can summon into fighting this and giving myself the choice not to pull, and not to want to pull. I have trich but trich doesnt have to control me.
It's funny but I used to think that once I got to the point where I had a good amount of eyelashes then I wouldnt want to pull anymore (at this point I've been able to use a little mascara which I havent done in who knows how long- just shows they really are coming in). I figured that I would feel so good about not pulling that I just wouldnt do it. Again, if only it were that easy. Now there are just more choice and opportunities to pull (or you can look at it as opportunities NOT to pull). I can choose from the wrong way hairs, the thicker hairs, the short stubby hairs, the out of place hairs- it's like going into a chocolate store, so many choices you just want to get your hands on. I'm obsessing now over every hair on my body. I knew this wasnt going to be easy but I guess I hoped it wouldnt be this hard.
So my battle will continue. I want it, I want it so bad. If I cant figure out a way to control it this time, when I want to beat it more than I ever have before, I dont know when it will happen. I know that I wont be perfect, that I may slip up and thats ok. Whether its a good thing or a bad, I just keep telling myself that for all the things that kind of suck right now in life, and let's be honest there are always people who have it SO much worse, my life will only get better if I work really hard and stay focused on managing/beating my trich (oh, and I talked to my friend Megan about my trich last week and she was, not surprisingly, wonderfully supportive).
That's all I have for now. I wish I could be more encouraging and make it sound like battling trich gets easier over time but I'm not going to lie to myself or anyone else. It's hard, but that doesnt mean its impossible.
Reason #12- the need to always wear make up to hide the signs of trich (it would be so nice to just be able to wash my face, put on chapstick and go out).
I'm trying to think of trich as the one thing right now I can control- I dont HAVE to pull. While so many other things in life dont give you a choice, I can do everything in my power to choose not to pull. Anyone with trich knows that this isnt an easy decision. It's not something you can just wake up one day and say "guess what, I'm never going to pull again, thats my choice!" ha. If it were that simple, there wouldn't be so many people suffering from this disease and living a life often filled with shame over the pulling. But I'm trying to take any energy I can summon into fighting this and giving myself the choice not to pull, and not to want to pull. I have trich but trich doesnt have to control me.
It's funny but I used to think that once I got to the point where I had a good amount of eyelashes then I wouldnt want to pull anymore (at this point I've been able to use a little mascara which I havent done in who knows how long- just shows they really are coming in). I figured that I would feel so good about not pulling that I just wouldnt do it. Again, if only it were that easy. Now there are just more choice and opportunities to pull (or you can look at it as opportunities NOT to pull). I can choose from the wrong way hairs, the thicker hairs, the short stubby hairs, the out of place hairs- it's like going into a chocolate store, so many choices you just want to get your hands on. I'm obsessing now over every hair on my body. I knew this wasnt going to be easy but I guess I hoped it wouldnt be this hard.
So my battle will continue. I want it, I want it so bad. If I cant figure out a way to control it this time, when I want to beat it more than I ever have before, I dont know when it will happen. I know that I wont be perfect, that I may slip up and thats ok. Whether its a good thing or a bad, I just keep telling myself that for all the things that kind of suck right now in life, and let's be honest there are always people who have it SO much worse, my life will only get better if I work really hard and stay focused on managing/beating my trich (oh, and I talked to my friend Megan about my trich last week and she was, not surprisingly, wonderfully supportive).
That's all I have for now. I wish I could be more encouraging and make it sound like battling trich gets easier over time but I'm not going to lie to myself or anyone else. It's hard, but that doesnt mean its impossible.
Reason #12- the need to always wear make up to hide the signs of trich (it would be so nice to just be able to wash my face, put on chapstick and go out).
Friday, February 5, 2010
It's a great day to get better
Well, as you may have gathered from my previous post, this has been a very difficult week. I'm proud to say that throughout everything, I have made it to 12 days without pulling, however, I must admit that to a certain extent its only luck that has enabled me to make that statement. Last night, after a pretty emotional day, I found myself stroking my eyelashes and at one point I tried to pull but just didnt pull anything out. I was able to stop myself but I recognize that I was again too passive in my efforts and I wont beat this disease by just willing it to stop.
The past week I've been having doubts about my boyfriend- I dont doubt how much I like him, just hard to know where it was going and whether it was right for me since he works so much and its often very hard to see him. He was also MIA on his birthday (which was Wednesday) and his brothers were mysteriously in town, from Italy, which made me wonder what was going on with him. Turns out that his elderly mother is very ill and his brothers, who were going to be in the area for work, came by to talk to him. Sadly, it is to the point where he has quit his jobs and is returning to Italy for the foreseeable future to spend time with his family (he thinks about 6 weeks). I feel horrible for him and selfishly I'm feeling sorry for myself.
To make matters even tougher, today is the 10 year anniversary of my friend's murder. We were very close for years and had known each other since we were 5 years old. There have been many things in life that have impacted who I am as a person, but nothing, not even 9/11 and what my family went through as a result of that day, has had as much of impact as her death. It has taken years to learn how to make my peace with it, and I have, but the 10 year mark is hard and I'm feeling really sad this week for all she has missed out on, for her family and all those people who miss her. One of the things she used to always say was "it's a great day to get better"- how right she was.
So it's been a struggle. I know she would want me to beat this and be happy. I know I can set my goal to still be trich-free when my boyfriend comes back (although today I think we will be talking about what to do with our relationship during this time, another hard topic- yes, I believe in the "if its meant to be" mantra but its still hard), but I'm still trying to just take it day by day and not get overwhelmed. I dont want to give up on beating my trich, I dont want to fall back on 12 days of hard progress.
So the struggle will continue and I just want to thank everyone for reading and for the comments and emails- I know most people reading can relate to how hard this is and I truly believe that everyones support is what helps me make it another day. I still believe I can do this, that we all can. So in the words of my friend whom I will never forget- it's a great day to get better.
Reason #11- the dark circles that will often appear around my eyes as a result of wearing eyeliner (which smudges) with no eyelashes.
The past week I've been having doubts about my boyfriend- I dont doubt how much I like him, just hard to know where it was going and whether it was right for me since he works so much and its often very hard to see him. He was also MIA on his birthday (which was Wednesday) and his brothers were mysteriously in town, from Italy, which made me wonder what was going on with him. Turns out that his elderly mother is very ill and his brothers, who were going to be in the area for work, came by to talk to him. Sadly, it is to the point where he has quit his jobs and is returning to Italy for the foreseeable future to spend time with his family (he thinks about 6 weeks). I feel horrible for him and selfishly I'm feeling sorry for myself.
To make matters even tougher, today is the 10 year anniversary of my friend's murder. We were very close for years and had known each other since we were 5 years old. There have been many things in life that have impacted who I am as a person, but nothing, not even 9/11 and what my family went through as a result of that day, has had as much of impact as her death. It has taken years to learn how to make my peace with it, and I have, but the 10 year mark is hard and I'm feeling really sad this week for all she has missed out on, for her family and all those people who miss her. One of the things she used to always say was "it's a great day to get better"- how right she was.
So it's been a struggle. I know she would want me to beat this and be happy. I know I can set my goal to still be trich-free when my boyfriend comes back (although today I think we will be talking about what to do with our relationship during this time, another hard topic- yes, I believe in the "if its meant to be" mantra but its still hard), but I'm still trying to just take it day by day and not get overwhelmed. I dont want to give up on beating my trich, I dont want to fall back on 12 days of hard progress.
So the struggle will continue and I just want to thank everyone for reading and for the comments and emails- I know most people reading can relate to how hard this is and I truly believe that everyones support is what helps me make it another day. I still believe I can do this, that we all can. So in the words of my friend whom I will never forget- it's a great day to get better.
Reason #11- the dark circles that will often appear around my eyes as a result of wearing eyeliner (which smudges) with no eyelashes.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
I'm NOT ready for my close up
I just found out that my upcoming trial, my first solo jury trial, may be filmed by HBO since they are doing a documentary on the sex crimes bureau at the Manhattan DA's office and my clients case is somehow getting noticed. Awesome. The case is a loser, there is no getting around that, so there is not a ton of pressure either way- there is DNA and an identification so really I can only do so much and wont be losing any sleep if the guy is convicted. But, the idea of being filmed is terrifying. Putting aside for a moment the fact that I'm already super stressed about other things, I'm trying to win my battle with trich, am nervous about doing a jury trial on my own and the work involved over the next month, but to be put on camera? Ugh. One bad angle and the secret is exposed. I could really do without that added pressure. I'll find out next Tuesday for sure but as of this morning it looks like I dont have much of a choice.
On a positive note, I've hit day 10 which is a pretty big milestone for me but it has been REALLY hard and with all the other shit that is hitting the fan (my dads doctor basically blackmailing him before he'll do another surgery (have i mentioned my dad is a 9/11 burn victim? so its a whole new level of fucked up)) , the 10th anniversary of my childhood friends death is this Friday, and I'm having doubts about my fabulous boyfriend (long story) - this week is definitely going to be a BIG test for me and I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and make it through. Yuck.
Anyway, thanks for reading and apologies for the random venting. Just a sucky week.
Reason #10- being filmed where I cant control the views and close ups that are taken.
On a positive note, I've hit day 10 which is a pretty big milestone for me but it has been REALLY hard and with all the other shit that is hitting the fan (my dads doctor basically blackmailing him before he'll do another surgery (have i mentioned my dad is a 9/11 burn victim? so its a whole new level of fucked up)) , the 10th anniversary of my childhood friends death is this Friday, and I'm having doubts about my fabulous boyfriend (long story) - this week is definitely going to be a BIG test for me and I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and make it through. Yuck.
Anyway, thanks for reading and apologies for the random venting. Just a sucky week.
Reason #10- being filmed where I cant control the views and close ups that are taken.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Anonymity
Believe it or not I am still pull free but the days since my last post have been incredibly tough. The urge to pull the "wrong direction" eyelashes is screaming at me to just pull and my stubby eyebrow hair is just waiting to be set free. Ugh. I have not been as proactive as I should be since I'm allowing myself WAY to much time to feel the hairs rather than getting up and walking around, finding something else to do, etc. It's been a battle but so far I'm still winning- I just wish the hairs would grow in faster so that at least I have something to keep me excited about (i still have a few tiny bald spots on my right eyelid where no hair has come in yet, at least not thick enough to cover the spot). For now I need to step up my game if I want to make it another day.
Yesterday was an interesting day. About 100 things have been going on at work and at home and its just been chaotic but instead of focusing on all of that yesterday, I wasted probably close to 2 1/2 hours freaking out about trich. When I got back from court yesterday I went onto the trich support group site I joined (which has become part of my daily routine) and decided to respond to someone's email. I thought that my name was hidden under an "alias" so I didnt think anything about it but once the email was sent it became clear that my name was attached to the email- you couldn't miss it. You would have thought the world was collapsing if you were in my office. I freaked. As ready as I am to talk about it, I need to control who knows and when. What if someone I know is also in that group and sees my name? What if they make the connection?
I realize that those questions seem ridiculous and that anyone else on the site is suffering from the same disease I am suffering from, so hopefully they wouldn't be judging but I cant help how I felt in that moment. I spent the next few hours desperately trying to make sure any future emails did NOT have my name and trying to get back the email so my name wasn't just hanging out there. It felt sad and pathetic that I could be so upset over something so silly, especially given everything else going on. But what can i say? For now, at least, I like the anonymity that the blog provides and that (i thought) the support group provided. I have not been ready to step foot into a group meeting or to go on a trich retreat and discuss it openly with strangers. I'm not there yet. Let's just say I ended up deleting my entire email account (which was only set up to join this support group anyway) and created a new one with a fictitious name. I know it may sound silly but I just had to do it. Today I have quite a bit more perspective but I still like being anonymous.
Anyway, I better get back to work since I clearly lost out on productivity yesterday and have lots to make up for! Thanks for reading!
Reason #9 to stop- the fear of being somewhere without my eyeliner.
Yesterday was an interesting day. About 100 things have been going on at work and at home and its just been chaotic but instead of focusing on all of that yesterday, I wasted probably close to 2 1/2 hours freaking out about trich. When I got back from court yesterday I went onto the trich support group site I joined (which has become part of my daily routine) and decided to respond to someone's email. I thought that my name was hidden under an "alias" so I didnt think anything about it but once the email was sent it became clear that my name was attached to the email- you couldn't miss it. You would have thought the world was collapsing if you were in my office. I freaked. As ready as I am to talk about it, I need to control who knows and when. What if someone I know is also in that group and sees my name? What if they make the connection?
I realize that those questions seem ridiculous and that anyone else on the site is suffering from the same disease I am suffering from, so hopefully they wouldn't be judging but I cant help how I felt in that moment. I spent the next few hours desperately trying to make sure any future emails did NOT have my name and trying to get back the email so my name wasn't just hanging out there. It felt sad and pathetic that I could be so upset over something so silly, especially given everything else going on. But what can i say? For now, at least, I like the anonymity that the blog provides and that (i thought) the support group provided. I have not been ready to step foot into a group meeting or to go on a trich retreat and discuss it openly with strangers. I'm not there yet. Let's just say I ended up deleting my entire email account (which was only set up to join this support group anyway) and created a new one with a fictitious name. I know it may sound silly but I just had to do it. Today I have quite a bit more perspective but I still like being anonymous.
Anyway, I better get back to work since I clearly lost out on productivity yesterday and have lots to make up for! Thanks for reading!
Reason #9 to stop- the fear of being somewhere without my eyeliner.
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