My weekend slip forced me to do some serious reflecting on my progress and I think I've gotten myself back in gear and am now moving forward. I have not given into the urges and pulled (from anywhere) since the weekend. I attribute part of my success to getting back into the routine I set up about 6 weeks back- I've been waking up early (6am- just cant do much earlier)and working out, drinking less coffee (not a LOT less, but less), eating a bit healthier (less processed sugars), etc.
I have to admit that there is something about waking up early that really seems to help. It sets the tone for the whole day by giving me a chance to start my day off more relaxed and then, by the time I get home, I'm exhausted and spend less time in "compromising" situations where I'm more inclined to pull.
Another thing that really helps is the face washing routine. I recently decided to add to my regular routine and splurged on this expensive exfoliating treatment by Kate Somerville called "Exfolikate" that is significantly more than I would ever normally spend on beauty products (I promise that I have ZERO affiliation with this product so this isn't a bad plug or anything- http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P232915&categoryId=C20650). You put it on your face twice a week for about 30 seconds and it literally tingles and stings all at the same time and then leaves your skin SOO soft. My skin/pores have cleared up dramatically and after I use it, especially since its so expensive, I never want to touch my face b/c I don't want to waste the product!
The last thing I've added to the mix was a Rubix cube- yup, you read it right. I was at a friends a few weeks ago and we were splitting a bottle of wine (ok, a couple bottles) when I noticed he had a Rubix cube on his coffee table. I picked it up and was distracted for the next two hours, trying to beat that damn toy. When I was in Barnes and Noble last week I noticed they had one for $10 so I decided that if it helped me keep my hands busy, it was worth the $10. It's been pretty helpful although I will admit that I get so frustrated by the damn thing that my focus isn't quite what it was when I a bit liquored up.
Anyway, that is the update on the last few days. Hopefully I can keep up the progress!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Lost Love
Yesterday I "rediscovered" my love of eyebrow hair. Those hairs that feel longer and curvier than the rest, particularly the ones closest to my ears ( not that my eyebrows extend to my ears but you get the idea) that just have a certain feel to them that others do not. They come in quicker than other hairs seem to and end up growing longer. The feel of pulling them is not like the other hairs- it's easy yet satisfying. Unfortunately damage can be done so quickly b/c they are so easy to grab a hold of and pull out.
I spent the weekend mostly outside enjoying the weather with friends and there was nothing particularly stressful going on. Yet yesterday morning, as I sat in bed finishing my coffee, checking email and watching Meet the Press, I reconnected with these tempting hairs. Once I pulled one, and at the time it felt as though there were plenty, I just pulled and pulled, knowing full well what I was doing but not caring about the consequences.
Then I looked in the mirror and half of my left eyebrow, just the left, was gone. I should have known this was coming as my weekly "trimming" has gone a little overboard (although I didnt really notice or address this until yesterday). Everything else, fortunately, remained in tact. I'm not going to lie- it felt so good pulling those hairs. For the few minutes it took me to do damage that will take weeks to repair, it was so comforting. Yet, as you know, once you are done or finally stop yourself, the guilt and shame and anxiety kick in. Back to trying to draw in my eyebrows, to making sure it's covered up and as unlikely to be noticed as possible. It sucks. And the sucky part will last a few weeks while the good part only lasted a few minutes. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can't we remember that the good part only lasts a few minutes? (and for those of you that watch The Office, this would be a perfect question calling for the "thats what she said" response- sorry, couldnt resist).
So now its time to pick back up and move on. Maybe this will be the reminder, the kick in the ass, that I needed. Still, this just sucks.
I spent the weekend mostly outside enjoying the weather with friends and there was nothing particularly stressful going on. Yet yesterday morning, as I sat in bed finishing my coffee, checking email and watching Meet the Press, I reconnected with these tempting hairs. Once I pulled one, and at the time it felt as though there were plenty, I just pulled and pulled, knowing full well what I was doing but not caring about the consequences.
Then I looked in the mirror and half of my left eyebrow, just the left, was gone. I should have known this was coming as my weekly "trimming" has gone a little overboard (although I didnt really notice or address this until yesterday). Everything else, fortunately, remained in tact. I'm not going to lie- it felt so good pulling those hairs. For the few minutes it took me to do damage that will take weeks to repair, it was so comforting. Yet, as you know, once you are done or finally stop yourself, the guilt and shame and anxiety kick in. Back to trying to draw in my eyebrows, to making sure it's covered up and as unlikely to be noticed as possible. It sucks. And the sucky part will last a few weeks while the good part only lasted a few minutes. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can't we remember that the good part only lasts a few minutes? (and for those of you that watch The Office, this would be a perfect question calling for the "thats what she said" response- sorry, couldnt resist).
So now its time to pick back up and move on. Maybe this will be the reminder, the kick in the ass, that I needed. Still, this just sucks.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Hypocrisy
Two weeks ago, when I was in Chicago, my family had rented a van to cart everyone back and forth to the hotel. When I was getting into the van (i think it was the morning of day 2) I noticed fingernail clippings all over the floor by one of the seats. At the time, I wasnt sure if it was someones or if the van was never cleaned from the last people so I asked those in the car (i get really grossed out by stuff like this)- my sister, aunt, cousin, parents- whether anyone had been biting their nails or noticed the clippings. No one said anything.
About an hour later my sister approached me and she was pissed. She said it was wrong for me to ask in front of everyone since I knew she bit her nails (i honestly didn't know it was her) and that she would never have done that to me with my trich. I was really caught off guard because I really hadn't even given it any thought- in my mind, fingernail biting is so common and nothing to be embarrassed about (although I would LOVE if people on the subway stopped clipping their nails in crowded cars- I find that so disgusting). She was right though- I would have been mortified if she had done that to me and I should have been more considerate.
Sometimes its easy to get wrapped up in thinking that trich is so unusual from other habits that only we are ashamed and embarrassed. The truth is, everyone has their own form of trich- something they might do or a habit they may have that they don't want to publicize. Just like we hope people won't judge us, we (or I) should be more thoughtful and empathetic- its true that you just don't know what life is like in anther's shoes.
About an hour later my sister approached me and she was pissed. She said it was wrong for me to ask in front of everyone since I knew she bit her nails (i honestly didn't know it was her) and that she would never have done that to me with my trich. I was really caught off guard because I really hadn't even given it any thought- in my mind, fingernail biting is so common and nothing to be embarrassed about (although I would LOVE if people on the subway stopped clipping their nails in crowded cars- I find that so disgusting). She was right though- I would have been mortified if she had done that to me and I should have been more considerate.
Sometimes its easy to get wrapped up in thinking that trich is so unusual from other habits that only we are ashamed and embarrassed. The truth is, everyone has their own form of trich- something they might do or a habit they may have that they don't want to publicize. Just like we hope people won't judge us, we (or I) should be more thoughtful and empathetic- its true that you just don't know what life is like in anther's shoes.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Memories good and bad
When I was younger I was about as awkward(as a teenager and pre-teen if I'm being honest) as you could get. I have naturally curly hair that my mother always had me keep just above my shoulders (she insisted this was for the benefit of my swimming since shorter hair drags less) which for anyone else that has curly hair you know that this can be a recipe for disaster- the longer it is, the more it weighs itself down. I refer to it as my "poodle afro" and in those days it was out of control because I was clueless about anything beauty related (and still a bit clueless).
Next was the teen acne which I thought could be covered up with make up but again, since I had no clue how to wear make up, it just made it worse. Mom was no help on this one and most of my friends were either boys or athletes, neither of whom had much need for makeup (the girls were much more blessed than me on almost all look fronts).
My wardrobe selections were atrocious. Thankfully in HS I was in Catholic School and didnt have to worry much about my day to day outfit but on the whole, if it wasnt something I could swim in or work out in, my "style" was hideous and I just didnt have a clue, even for the 80s.
To top it all off I had glasses. Not just glasses, but big glasses that took over most of my pimpled, awkward, eyelash free face. They started off as big blue glasses when I was 8 (shortly after the trich started), turned into enormous red glasses and ending with big round wire glasses. My mom had always told me that I couldnt get contacts until my eyelashes were back. Man, did I want to get rid of the glasses- I tried so hard for years to beat trich and couldnt. By the middle of my freshman year in HS my mom (and I) finally gave up and she let me get contacts (i've since had laser eye surgery which was one of the best purchases of my life).
Despite my general pre-teen/teen hideousness (seriously I am amazed that my parents left the house with me during those years) the one thing I always notice in old pictures is my lack of eyelashes. I was looking at an old picture over the weekend, one of the few I have of me with my grandmother, and the glasses and missing eyelashes makes it hard for me to look at the picture with happy memories. I know that the glasses did bring me some level of comfort, they were my barrier and, in my mind during those years, gave me some refuge from people directly and immediately noticing that my eyelashes were completely gone. It makes me sad, for all the years of anxiety I've suffered, for the photos that should be happy memories but really just make me sad for my younger, insecure self.
Fortunately when I was about 14 (and the acne was going away and the glasses were gone) someone saw me in a mall and offered me a makeover which my mom agreed to. She taught me (finally!) the art of make up application, how to use eyeliner to at least give the initial appearance of having eyelashes (which later was used with my missing eyebrows), just general tips. It took a few years to get my hair and clothing under control and, I kid you not, I had a guy i had known for most of my life approach me at a party when I was about 19 and literally stop short and say "wow, you grew up nicely, thats surprising". haha.
Now I can laugh about it. I'm pretty confident in who I am and what I look like and part of my is glad for the humility that was forced upon me since I can really relate much better to people and can help my younger cousins through their awkward teen years (mostly this consists of showing them a photo of me at 11 and telling them at least they arent that bad and letting them know what you look like then has NOTHING to do with what you will/can look like later so they will get through it).
I hate how despite the years that have passed, I still look at these old photos and the first thing I notice is whether I was having a good week or bad week with trich behind the glasses. I see a teenager uncomfortable in her own skin and a situation made even harder because of the "trich secret". I hope one day I will look back on this differently but I just hope that the memories I'm creating now arent dictated, albeit years later, by how good I'm doing with my trich. I've come to accept it as part of who I am, who I'll always be, but that doesnt mean it doesnt still hurt and make me sad for the years lost.
Here's to a better future, one where I'm in control, not trich. I wish you the same.
Next was the teen acne which I thought could be covered up with make up but again, since I had no clue how to wear make up, it just made it worse. Mom was no help on this one and most of my friends were either boys or athletes, neither of whom had much need for makeup (the girls were much more blessed than me on almost all look fronts).
My wardrobe selections were atrocious. Thankfully in HS I was in Catholic School and didnt have to worry much about my day to day outfit but on the whole, if it wasnt something I could swim in or work out in, my "style" was hideous and I just didnt have a clue, even for the 80s.
To top it all off I had glasses. Not just glasses, but big glasses that took over most of my pimpled, awkward, eyelash free face. They started off as big blue glasses when I was 8 (shortly after the trich started), turned into enormous red glasses and ending with big round wire glasses. My mom had always told me that I couldnt get contacts until my eyelashes were back. Man, did I want to get rid of the glasses- I tried so hard for years to beat trich and couldnt. By the middle of my freshman year in HS my mom (and I) finally gave up and she let me get contacts (i've since had laser eye surgery which was one of the best purchases of my life).
Despite my general pre-teen/teen hideousness (seriously I am amazed that my parents left the house with me during those years) the one thing I always notice in old pictures is my lack of eyelashes. I was looking at an old picture over the weekend, one of the few I have of me with my grandmother, and the glasses and missing eyelashes makes it hard for me to look at the picture with happy memories. I know that the glasses did bring me some level of comfort, they were my barrier and, in my mind during those years, gave me some refuge from people directly and immediately noticing that my eyelashes were completely gone. It makes me sad, for all the years of anxiety I've suffered, for the photos that should be happy memories but really just make me sad for my younger, insecure self.
Fortunately when I was about 14 (and the acne was going away and the glasses were gone) someone saw me in a mall and offered me a makeover which my mom agreed to. She taught me (finally!) the art of make up application, how to use eyeliner to at least give the initial appearance of having eyelashes (which later was used with my missing eyebrows), just general tips. It took a few years to get my hair and clothing under control and, I kid you not, I had a guy i had known for most of my life approach me at a party when I was about 19 and literally stop short and say "wow, you grew up nicely, thats surprising". haha.
Now I can laugh about it. I'm pretty confident in who I am and what I look like and part of my is glad for the humility that was forced upon me since I can really relate much better to people and can help my younger cousins through their awkward teen years (mostly this consists of showing them a photo of me at 11 and telling them at least they arent that bad and letting them know what you look like then has NOTHING to do with what you will/can look like later so they will get through it).
I hate how despite the years that have passed, I still look at these old photos and the first thing I notice is whether I was having a good week or bad week with trich behind the glasses. I see a teenager uncomfortable in her own skin and a situation made even harder because of the "trich secret". I hope one day I will look back on this differently but I just hope that the memories I'm creating now arent dictated, albeit years later, by how good I'm doing with my trich. I've come to accept it as part of who I am, who I'll always be, but that doesnt mean it doesnt still hurt and make me sad for the years lost.
Here's to a better future, one where I'm in control, not trich. I wish you the same.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Anxiety
Yesterday, after 2 long years, I said goodbye to my least favorite client of all time. He was the worst and would go through periods where he would just scream at me for twenty minutes about nothing and then come into court smiling. I have completed two trials with him now, both of which he was convicted thanks to overwhelming evidence, but now I dont have to deal with him ever again. Finally.
I have a few trials coming up including one Monday where i am fully convinced my client is innocent. Between that and some social obligations, the next few weeks will certainly be crazy and exhausting, but in a good way I hope since it should all be moving me towards the end goal of leaving my job and improving my life. However, for the last few days I have been feeling really anxious. The problem is I'm not really sure why and I cant help but worry that this will have an impact on my trich.
Admittedly, this week at least, I have not been sticking to my goals of getting up early, working out, and spending an hour a day working on my business plan. I have been exercising (as much as I can with a cold I've picked up) and I have my wii to thank for that- nothing beats being able to work out a sweat in your living room with a motivational trainer on the TV. I'm not really worried about work stuff (although I need to move it along if I ever want to quit my job), money is always a little bit of a worry but nothing out of the ordinary, things are generally ok. So where is this anxiety, this weird nervousness in the pit of my stomach, coming from?
I'm on guard with trich and that's a good thing so hopefully I'll be able to get through this without slipping. The battle continues.
I have a few trials coming up including one Monday where i am fully convinced my client is innocent. Between that and some social obligations, the next few weeks will certainly be crazy and exhausting, but in a good way I hope since it should all be moving me towards the end goal of leaving my job and improving my life. However, for the last few days I have been feeling really anxious. The problem is I'm not really sure why and I cant help but worry that this will have an impact on my trich.
Admittedly, this week at least, I have not been sticking to my goals of getting up early, working out, and spending an hour a day working on my business plan. I have been exercising (as much as I can with a cold I've picked up) and I have my wii to thank for that- nothing beats being able to work out a sweat in your living room with a motivational trainer on the TV. I'm not really worried about work stuff (although I need to move it along if I ever want to quit my job), money is always a little bit of a worry but nothing out of the ordinary, things are generally ok. So where is this anxiety, this weird nervousness in the pit of my stomach, coming from?
I'm on guard with trich and that's a good thing so hopefully I'll be able to get through this without slipping. The battle continues.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Weekend Getaway
Once again I'm sorry for being such a bad blogger. Rather than returning from Chicago on Sunday as planned, our flight was canceled due to (nonexistent) bad weather in NY (bad Jet Blue, bad) and we didn't end up getting home until Monday night. Of course, on Monday I had two court appearances scheduled and apparently my colleague got an earful from the judge about my absence (what did he think i could do? Strap on wings and fly back on my own?) Anyway, I'm now back trying to conquer the inevitable pile of work that has accumulated while I was gone.
Chicago was a good trip although it was a bit of family overload. That said, I went 5 days without a single urge to pull which is pretty incredible. I'm not sure why, when I'm away, I am so controlled with trich and yet the minute I return home the urges find their way back. So frustrating. It's not even as though I was distracted the whole time or anxiety free- I can't explain it. It's now been about 2 weeks since I've slipped and my eyebrows and eyelashes are once again looking great
For anyone who hasn't read some of my previous posts, I just want to be a little more clear about my "pull-freeness" - I am still (as I've confessed to in the past) allowing myself a "grooming night" once every couple weeks where I can maintain my eyebrows so that they don't get messy looking which I have no doubt would result in me pulling out everything. Also, I am still allowing myself to pull the dark hairs that come in around my naval area and around my bikini line- I don't know whether you consider that cheating or not but it's what I'm doing for now. I just didn't want to anyone reading this to be mislead as I'm sure some people would say this isn't really conquering trich- I'm just doing it in my own way since my focus is to get my eyebrows and eyelashes back as that's what has the biggest impact on my day to day life and happiness.
My mom has been continuing to tell me how good my eyelashes look every time I see her and that feels really good. My cousins and other family members, the ones who either have trich themselves or know about my trich, said nothing while we were in Chicago. At one point my aunt said something which led me to talking about the fact that I had eyelashes (i truthfully cant remember how it came up) and her reply was "cool" and then she moved on. I thought the return of my eyelashes after a 21 year hiatus would merit more than a "cool"! None of my friends have brought up my trich either although I kind of wish they would- maybe they think that now that I have them looking pretty good that I've beaten trich. Ha! Besides the 5 day hiatus I received while away, it is still a daily battle- right now I'm just wishing more people understood about trich and what its like. Oh well, maybe one day.
Chicago was a good trip although it was a bit of family overload. That said, I went 5 days without a single urge to pull which is pretty incredible. I'm not sure why, when I'm away, I am so controlled with trich and yet the minute I return home the urges find their way back. So frustrating. It's not even as though I was distracted the whole time or anxiety free- I can't explain it. It's now been about 2 weeks since I've slipped and my eyebrows and eyelashes are once again looking great
For anyone who hasn't read some of my previous posts, I just want to be a little more clear about my "pull-freeness" - I am still (as I've confessed to in the past) allowing myself a "grooming night" once every couple weeks where I can maintain my eyebrows so that they don't get messy looking which I have no doubt would result in me pulling out everything. Also, I am still allowing myself to pull the dark hairs that come in around my naval area and around my bikini line- I don't know whether you consider that cheating or not but it's what I'm doing for now. I just didn't want to anyone reading this to be mislead as I'm sure some people would say this isn't really conquering trich- I'm just doing it in my own way since my focus is to get my eyebrows and eyelashes back as that's what has the biggest impact on my day to day life and happiness.
My mom has been continuing to tell me how good my eyelashes look every time I see her and that feels really good. My cousins and other family members, the ones who either have trich themselves or know about my trich, said nothing while we were in Chicago. At one point my aunt said something which led me to talking about the fact that I had eyelashes (i truthfully cant remember how it came up) and her reply was "cool" and then she moved on. I thought the return of my eyelashes after a 21 year hiatus would merit more than a "cool"! None of my friends have brought up my trich either although I kind of wish they would- maybe they think that now that I have them looking pretty good that I've beaten trich. Ha! Besides the 5 day hiatus I received while away, it is still a daily battle- right now I'm just wishing more people understood about trich and what its like. Oh well, maybe one day.
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