For as long as I can remember I have had a fear of commitment. It's not that I've been afraid to date or that I haven't had boyfriends, but I get nervous when things get serious and the idea of being with someone forever has always been a scary notion to me. I have a tendency in life not to be able to commit to anything- an exercise program (I love Pilates but still go irregularly), a diet (most only last a few weeks), a new daily routine (getting up early never lasts), the list goes on.
Sure, I have had the same friends for over twenty years and I am very close with my family but most other "relationships" don't last that long. Except trich. Trich and I have been together now since 1988. Yup, that's 24 years. It's' insane. I hate trich but, as they said in Brokeback Mountain "I just cant quit you." I hate trich, hate everything about this stupid disease but I stick with it more than I stick with anything else.
Most of my friends, not all, now know about my trich. This past weekend I hung out with one of my most supportive and longtime friends, Danielle, but she didn't even ask about how I was doing probably because she could tell just be looking at my lack of eyebrows. I know that my friends often have trouble bringing it up with me since its a bit uncomfortable for us both. But trich has been with me for so long it's almost like a silent (but sadly not invisible) partner. When I'm nervous, I turn to pulling. When I'm relaxed, I turn to pulling. In almost all situations, it's the partner I can always count on to be there. Yet, I hate it. I want a divorce. I want to be widowed of trich. But it just wont leave me any more than I can leave it.
This weekend wasn't the success I hoped it would be. I have a million things to do this week but I'm going to make this a priority. I don't want to celebrate my 25th anniversary with trich. Thank you again for the support, for reading my blog, for posting comments and sending me emails. You are going to help me beat this. The idea of a lifetime with trich is just unfathomable.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
A Long Hiatus
Thank you for the posts, comments and emails I have received over the last couple months- they really have helped and I'll admit it's encouraging to know I have supporters as sometimes I question myself whether or not anyone even reads my blog.
It's not been an easy few months for my battle with trich. As I sit here typing this post, the first since November (yikes! has it been that long??) I have no eyebrows. None. There is nothing I can point to and define as the source of my pulling which has frustrated and discouraged me more than I can even admit to sometimes. I just cant understand it and my self-esteem and confidence is once again pretty low as I'm afraid to get too close to people since I don't want them to see my penciled in eyebrows.
My eyelashes somehow have been okay. Not great, but okay. I have pulled here and there but I'm happy to say that the bottom lashes have not been touched and the top ones are significant enough that I can wear mascara and don't really need to use much make up. On a random note, I'm typing this while working form home with the TV on and in the background (no joke, as I'm writing this) the View is doing a segment about how "eyelashes make all the difference on a persons face" and talking about how noticeable lashes are on a person. Ugh. Now they are encouraging and singing the praises about Latisse and Revitolash Advance as a way to regrow and thicken your lashes. Apparently they aren't taking into account that some of us pull our lashes (but I guess that would be a different segment).
So once again I'm analyzing my behavior, my diet, my stress levels and everything else that could be a factor in my downfall but at the same time I'm trying to come to terms with the fact I may never beat this awful disease. That's probably why I haven't posted on here in so long- I'm in a bit of a Debbie Downer phase. The summer (and bright lights, and water, and sweating) is just around the corner and I'm eyebrowless. My boyfriend and I are talking about eloping and I cant stop thinking about how I always figured by the time I'd get married, and when taking all those "pictures that last a lifetime" I would have my lashes. And truthfully I just don't know if it will happen.
I don't really know what to do to get myself out of this funk and back on a positive track. I say that and then I don't write on my blog, don't check into the online forums, don't go to support groups. So many excuses and I just let those excuses take over. I have been changing my diet (thank you weight watchers) and starting to exercise (spinning and pilates are my latest) so maybe that will have a positive influence. Anyway, that's my update for now. Again, I want to thank you for the support as it really has made, and continues to make, a big difference and it helps me get motivated even though it's hard to tell from today's post. Today is as good of a day as any to make a change for the better. It's a great day to get better.
It's not been an easy few months for my battle with trich. As I sit here typing this post, the first since November (yikes! has it been that long??) I have no eyebrows. None. There is nothing I can point to and define as the source of my pulling which has frustrated and discouraged me more than I can even admit to sometimes. I just cant understand it and my self-esteem and confidence is once again pretty low as I'm afraid to get too close to people since I don't want them to see my penciled in eyebrows.
My eyelashes somehow have been okay. Not great, but okay. I have pulled here and there but I'm happy to say that the bottom lashes have not been touched and the top ones are significant enough that I can wear mascara and don't really need to use much make up. On a random note, I'm typing this while working form home with the TV on and in the background (no joke, as I'm writing this) the View is doing a segment about how "eyelashes make all the difference on a persons face" and talking about how noticeable lashes are on a person. Ugh. Now they are encouraging and singing the praises about Latisse and Revitolash Advance as a way to regrow and thicken your lashes. Apparently they aren't taking into account that some of us pull our lashes (but I guess that would be a different segment).
So once again I'm analyzing my behavior, my diet, my stress levels and everything else that could be a factor in my downfall but at the same time I'm trying to come to terms with the fact I may never beat this awful disease. That's probably why I haven't posted on here in so long- I'm in a bit of a Debbie Downer phase. The summer (and bright lights, and water, and sweating) is just around the corner and I'm eyebrowless. My boyfriend and I are talking about eloping and I cant stop thinking about how I always figured by the time I'd get married, and when taking all those "pictures that last a lifetime" I would have my lashes. And truthfully I just don't know if it will happen.
I don't really know what to do to get myself out of this funk and back on a positive track. I say that and then I don't write on my blog, don't check into the online forums, don't go to support groups. So many excuses and I just let those excuses take over. I have been changing my diet (thank you weight watchers) and starting to exercise (spinning and pilates are my latest) so maybe that will have a positive influence. Anyway, that's my update for now. Again, I want to thank you for the support as it really has made, and continues to make, a big difference and it helps me get motivated even though it's hard to tell from today's post. Today is as good of a day as any to make a change for the better. It's a great day to get better.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
21 day goal
In the past week my eyelashes have certainly received a break and I haven't picked one but my left eyebrow still doesn't exist and the right one is about the same as it's been for a while- too thin and short with very little hair. The little stubby hairs that come in, and they come in surprisingly fast, make me so anxious and I can not leave them alone and touch them incessantly. Now that I don't have the tweezers, my beloved and hated tweezers, I have resorted back to hands and even, shamefully, scissors at one point. Yes, scissors, just so I can relieve myself of the anxiety and get the damn stubby hairs out.
I have 21 days until Jamaica. 21 days to get myself together and stop this nonsense so that I can swim and be in the sun without worrying that my eyebrows are disappearing and/or extremely and noticeably absent. The pilates has been helping but work is so stressful right now that I allow myself the bullshit excuses. So I will just continue to try and fight my way through the next 21 days.
I have 21 days until Jamaica. 21 days to get myself together and stop this nonsense so that I can swim and be in the sun without worrying that my eyebrows are disappearing and/or extremely and noticeably absent. The pilates has been helping but work is so stressful right now that I allow myself the bullshit excuses. So I will just continue to try and fight my way through the next 21 days.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
New Month, New Resolve (or so I hope), New Picture
Making it 24 hours has been harder then I thought and the last few days have been far from successful. There is something about the start of a new month (which ends in a trip to Jamaica) that I hope holds some promise.
The tweezer is now gone (about damn time) and i have picked at the skin on my pointer finger, the one with the permanent indentation, that I generally use to pull so now that is harder and painful (whatever works). I dont think the stress has been helping and lately I find that I'm also grinding my teeth and have been more tired than usual. I'm trying to address those issues which I know impact my pulling. Exercise has been almost impossible because my back has been bad but last week I tried pilates and it was WONDERFUL. It's sadly too expensive to do all the time but, as life might have it, yesterday we picked up a decent case so I'm just taking a few hundred dollars and buying a pilates package- it is more than I would normally spend but if it helps me feel better and in turn stop pulling then it's worth it. I need to address the stress in my life if I'm going to ever start making progress again with trich.
So my next trial class is today at 4:00 and then I am just going to take the money and pick one of the two pilates places I've tried- money be damned right now. If I have to give up on going out one night a week so I can do pilates twice a week for the next few weeks then the trade off is worth it. At least it is a start. That plus throwing out the tweezers I hope will help me start heading in the right direction..... and now to put aside the shame and show you my no-make up photo of the week (very scary- i have NEVER shown anyone before!)
The tweezer is now gone (about damn time) and i have picked at the skin on my pointer finger, the one with the permanent indentation, that I generally use to pull so now that is harder and painful (whatever works). I dont think the stress has been helping and lately I find that I'm also grinding my teeth and have been more tired than usual. I'm trying to address those issues which I know impact my pulling. Exercise has been almost impossible because my back has been bad but last week I tried pilates and it was WONDERFUL. It's sadly too expensive to do all the time but, as life might have it, yesterday we picked up a decent case so I'm just taking a few hundred dollars and buying a pilates package- it is more than I would normally spend but if it helps me feel better and in turn stop pulling then it's worth it. I need to address the stress in my life if I'm going to ever start making progress again with trich.
So my next trial class is today at 4:00 and then I am just going to take the money and pick one of the two pilates places I've tried- money be damned right now. If I have to give up on going out one night a week so I can do pilates twice a week for the next few weeks then the trade off is worth it. At least it is a start. That plus throwing out the tweezers I hope will help me start heading in the right direction..... and now to put aside the shame and show you my no-make up photo of the week (very scary- i have NEVER shown anyone before!)
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Awareness
It has been 24 hours since my last post and I've pulled 1 eyebrow and 1 eyelash. It was in the morning when I was thinking about my day and not paying much attention to what I was doing. At first, I was able to resist, catch myself, and not pull. Five minutes later they were gone. After a few deep breaths and reminding myself that I can do this, I got up, walked around, and havent pulled since.
It's a start. Not a great start but at least I'm more conscious of my actions so now I will try and go 24 hours without pulling any of them. This will clearly be a daily struggle (again) for a while.
It's a start. Not a great start but at least I'm more conscious of my actions so now I will try and go 24 hours without pulling any of them. This will clearly be a daily struggle (again) for a while.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Proof is in the photo
So here it is. Granted I have make up on (and not a good job with it today) and my bottom lashes, which are the most visible, look pretty good but trust me even this picture with my non-existent eyebrows dont do justice to how bad it really is. But I'm showing you anyway. Have to start somewhere.
A long hiatus
Wow. I had no idea how long I had been MIA. I'm sorry. It's funny (not haha funny) but the worse I am doing with my trich the less I write on my blog. Whether its embarassment, denial, exhaustion, I just dont know.
Needless to say, these last few months have not been my finest. I'm not really sure where it all went wrong but I've sucked. As I type this, I have a total of maybe 5 eyebrow hairs remaining on my left eye and the right one is thin to the point of being nonexistent. My eyelashes have not survived the last few months too well either. I still have eyelashes but I am back to drawing them in so they look fuller.
I've admittedly been lazy and the old habit of making excuses, really more like just flat out lying to myself about how bad things are, is clearly back in full force. Lately I can't make it more than a day without pulling. My self confidence is down, my guard is back up about anyone getting too close, it just sucks.
Over the next few months I have a lot going on. In just over a month my loving and supportive boyfriend and I will be going to Jamaica for a week of rest and relaxation. Jamaica involves water, swimming, bright lights, heat and sweating- none of which are easy against the rage of trich. How wonderful it would be to go back to those few months where I was carefree about all those things, when my eyelashes and eyebrows looked so great that I did not need to worry. Following Jamaica will be a big trial with a LOT of press coverage- yet another "should be" major incentive.
I can (and have) make a thousand excuses. I can also list 100 reasons why "now is a hard time to stop". It's bullshit. There is never a good or bad time- I just need to stop, it's not going to happen magically or become I will it to be so. It's only a possibility if I take control of the situation. So right now I pledge to make it until tomorrow. And then I will move on from there. Luck, prayers, and support are greatly appreciated as always :)
Hope you are all doing better than I am!
Needless to say, these last few months have not been my finest. I'm not really sure where it all went wrong but I've sucked. As I type this, I have a total of maybe 5 eyebrow hairs remaining on my left eye and the right one is thin to the point of being nonexistent. My eyelashes have not survived the last few months too well either. I still have eyelashes but I am back to drawing them in so they look fuller.
I've admittedly been lazy and the old habit of making excuses, really more like just flat out lying to myself about how bad things are, is clearly back in full force. Lately I can't make it more than a day without pulling. My self confidence is down, my guard is back up about anyone getting too close, it just sucks.
Over the next few months I have a lot going on. In just over a month my loving and supportive boyfriend and I will be going to Jamaica for a week of rest and relaxation. Jamaica involves water, swimming, bright lights, heat and sweating- none of which are easy against the rage of trich. How wonderful it would be to go back to those few months where I was carefree about all those things, when my eyelashes and eyebrows looked so great that I did not need to worry. Following Jamaica will be a big trial with a LOT of press coverage- yet another "should be" major incentive.
I can (and have) make a thousand excuses. I can also list 100 reasons why "now is a hard time to stop". It's bullshit. There is never a good or bad time- I just need to stop, it's not going to happen magically or become I will it to be so. It's only a possibility if I take control of the situation. So right now I pledge to make it until tomorrow. And then I will move on from there. Luck, prayers, and support are greatly appreciated as always :)
Hope you are all doing better than I am!
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