Tonight at 12 I am beginning a new challenge. I am going to try and go 6 straight weeks with no pulling. Why 6 weeks? Because I have heard that that is how long it goes from having no eyebrows to having eyebrows. My reward? It's a big one. I'm going to splurge on a laser eye surgery touch up. I did it about 8 years ago and it was amazing but now my eyesight is fading again. Glasses are actually not horrible because they distract from my lack of hair but I want to see the world clearly again.
My cousins wedding was great, she look beautiful, we had a wonderful time in California but I need to have a plan. Summer is coming, my boyfriend and I may be eloping in the not so distant future and frankly I want the eye surgery.
You've heard me say it now and so I am sticking to it. I have to start at midnight because technically I pulled at 3am this morning and my OCD always likes me to start a day fresh. I will not let myself get that surgery until this goal is accomplished. I did so well in CA, I wasnt pulling at all but then just thinking about my clients and work and stress and life I came home late last night and did some damage. Unreal.
So here I go. It's time. It's past time. I would love for someone, everyone, anyone to join with me on this- post comments, send me emails, let's keep each other motivated. It's just 6 weeks, right? We can do this. And once we have, we will find a new goal. May 29th is our date- let's do it!!!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Spring into action
It's official. After the most mild winter I can remember in New York it appears that spring is already here. Which means so many of my fears are also back- bright lights, sweaty make up, water, etc. I know I've mentioned it before but these things hold me back.
I have done okay this week. Nothing great and I'm certainly not pull free but I haven't gone pull crazy so I'll try and put it in the "win" column. I do, however, have less than 3 weeks until my vacation and about 4 until my cousin's wedding- the cousin that has trich but won't talk to me about it. She is getting married after being with her boyfriend for about 7 years and she has, as far as I am aware, been able to manage her trich and will be married with eyebrows, eyelashes and a full head of hair. I know a lot of us wish we could say the same.
I received a comment on a post yesterday and the reader was mentioning how afraid she is to tell friends and family about trich. I remember that feeling all too well. The one advise I can give (and i wrote a bit more about this in January 2010 if you want to look at more posts on this topic) is to tell people. I thought my friends would judge me and look at me like I was a freak with this unspeakable disease- they didnt. In fact, quite the opposite. They were supportive and wonderful and for the first time I didnt feel so alone. Admittedly I did have a good friend who didn't have quite the reaction I wanted or needed, but dont let that stop you. Your true friends and family might and probably will surprise you and likely have a secret of their own. We all have our shit. Even now, when i'm having a tough time with trich, it is a bit of a relief to have them know and while i'm not 100% confident when I am eyebrow-less around them, it is leaps and bounds more confident than I was when I was trying to hide it from them.
The funny things is that those people I want to speak to most about it, the family that has trich, just don't and won't talk to me. I still don't get it. All I want is to know how they learned to manage it- give me tips!! Are they afraid that if they talk about it it will come back? I want to try and understand where they are coming from but I just can't. And so I will go to my cousin's wedding and will be jealous that she has found a way to get all her hair back and to have wedding pictures with hair and I will continue to wonder how she did it. Because she won't tell me.
This is a very lonely disease. We feel as though we have no one to talk to, that we can't talk to those who love us for fear of what they will think and we often can't talk to those who even know about trich from their own experience because they wont talk to us. We avoid getting close to people and we carry the shame of what we do around with us like a ton of bricks that we have been sentenced to keep with us forever. We remain anonymous on blogs and support groups, refuse to go to meetings and retreats, because the idea of revealing ourselves is terrifying. What if someone one day makes the connection? What if someone reading my blog figures out who I am and that they know me, and then they tell someone else?
I sometimes see people without hair on the subway and am tempted to say something to them. Something simple like "hey, you too?" but maybe they have cancer or another disease and then I'll just be left feeling bad and alone again. Maybe they will be mortified that I know their secret and I will ruin their day. So I never say anything but I wonder. I look at how they do their make up and try to think if I would have seen their lack of hair if I was not so obsessed with hair and trich myself.
And so like every other post, I leave this one with a goal in mind and with the best of intentions. I'm hoping that I can show up at her wedding with at least partial eyebrows and with my eyelashes fairly in tact. Even if I stopped pulling today it would take weeks for them to come back in completely but something is better than nothing (and nothing is what I have now). I've heard that hair grows faster in warmer weather so my fingers (and toes) are crossed that this spring/summer I wont continue to hold myself back!
I have done okay this week. Nothing great and I'm certainly not pull free but I haven't gone pull crazy so I'll try and put it in the "win" column. I do, however, have less than 3 weeks until my vacation and about 4 until my cousin's wedding- the cousin that has trich but won't talk to me about it. She is getting married after being with her boyfriend for about 7 years and she has, as far as I am aware, been able to manage her trich and will be married with eyebrows, eyelashes and a full head of hair. I know a lot of us wish we could say the same.
I received a comment on a post yesterday and the reader was mentioning how afraid she is to tell friends and family about trich. I remember that feeling all too well. The one advise I can give (and i wrote a bit more about this in January 2010 if you want to look at more posts on this topic) is to tell people. I thought my friends would judge me and look at me like I was a freak with this unspeakable disease- they didnt. In fact, quite the opposite. They were supportive and wonderful and for the first time I didnt feel so alone. Admittedly I did have a good friend who didn't have quite the reaction I wanted or needed, but dont let that stop you. Your true friends and family might and probably will surprise you and likely have a secret of their own. We all have our shit. Even now, when i'm having a tough time with trich, it is a bit of a relief to have them know and while i'm not 100% confident when I am eyebrow-less around them, it is leaps and bounds more confident than I was when I was trying to hide it from them.
The funny things is that those people I want to speak to most about it, the family that has trich, just don't and won't talk to me. I still don't get it. All I want is to know how they learned to manage it- give me tips!! Are they afraid that if they talk about it it will come back? I want to try and understand where they are coming from but I just can't. And so I will go to my cousin's wedding and will be jealous that she has found a way to get all her hair back and to have wedding pictures with hair and I will continue to wonder how she did it. Because she won't tell me.
This is a very lonely disease. We feel as though we have no one to talk to, that we can't talk to those who love us for fear of what they will think and we often can't talk to those who even know about trich from their own experience because they wont talk to us. We avoid getting close to people and we carry the shame of what we do around with us like a ton of bricks that we have been sentenced to keep with us forever. We remain anonymous on blogs and support groups, refuse to go to meetings and retreats, because the idea of revealing ourselves is terrifying. What if someone one day makes the connection? What if someone reading my blog figures out who I am and that they know me, and then they tell someone else?
I sometimes see people without hair on the subway and am tempted to say something to them. Something simple like "hey, you too?" but maybe they have cancer or another disease and then I'll just be left feeling bad and alone again. Maybe they will be mortified that I know their secret and I will ruin their day. So I never say anything but I wonder. I look at how they do their make up and try to think if I would have seen their lack of hair if I was not so obsessed with hair and trich myself.
And so like every other post, I leave this one with a goal in mind and with the best of intentions. I'm hoping that I can show up at her wedding with at least partial eyebrows and with my eyelashes fairly in tact. Even if I stopped pulling today it would take weeks for them to come back in completely but something is better than nothing (and nothing is what I have now). I've heard that hair grows faster in warmer weather so my fingers (and toes) are crossed that this spring/summer I wont continue to hold myself back!
Monday, March 12, 2012
I just can't quit you
For as long as I can remember I have had a fear of commitment. It's not that I've been afraid to date or that I haven't had boyfriends, but I get nervous when things get serious and the idea of being with someone forever has always been a scary notion to me. I have a tendency in life not to be able to commit to anything- an exercise program (I love Pilates but still go irregularly), a diet (most only last a few weeks), a new daily routine (getting up early never lasts), the list goes on.
Sure, I have had the same friends for over twenty years and I am very close with my family but most other "relationships" don't last that long. Except trich. Trich and I have been together now since 1988. Yup, that's 24 years. It's' insane. I hate trich but, as they said in Brokeback Mountain "I just cant quit you." I hate trich, hate everything about this stupid disease but I stick with it more than I stick with anything else.
Most of my friends, not all, now know about my trich. This past weekend I hung out with one of my most supportive and longtime friends, Danielle, but she didn't even ask about how I was doing probably because she could tell just be looking at my lack of eyebrows. I know that my friends often have trouble bringing it up with me since its a bit uncomfortable for us both. But trich has been with me for so long it's almost like a silent (but sadly not invisible) partner. When I'm nervous, I turn to pulling. When I'm relaxed, I turn to pulling. In almost all situations, it's the partner I can always count on to be there. Yet, I hate it. I want a divorce. I want to be widowed of trich. But it just wont leave me any more than I can leave it.
This weekend wasn't the success I hoped it would be. I have a million things to do this week but I'm going to make this a priority. I don't want to celebrate my 25th anniversary with trich. Thank you again for the support, for reading my blog, for posting comments and sending me emails. You are going to help me beat this. The idea of a lifetime with trich is just unfathomable.
Sure, I have had the same friends for over twenty years and I am very close with my family but most other "relationships" don't last that long. Except trich. Trich and I have been together now since 1988. Yup, that's 24 years. It's' insane. I hate trich but, as they said in Brokeback Mountain "I just cant quit you." I hate trich, hate everything about this stupid disease but I stick with it more than I stick with anything else.
Most of my friends, not all, now know about my trich. This past weekend I hung out with one of my most supportive and longtime friends, Danielle, but she didn't even ask about how I was doing probably because she could tell just be looking at my lack of eyebrows. I know that my friends often have trouble bringing it up with me since its a bit uncomfortable for us both. But trich has been with me for so long it's almost like a silent (but sadly not invisible) partner. When I'm nervous, I turn to pulling. When I'm relaxed, I turn to pulling. In almost all situations, it's the partner I can always count on to be there. Yet, I hate it. I want a divorce. I want to be widowed of trich. But it just wont leave me any more than I can leave it.
This weekend wasn't the success I hoped it would be. I have a million things to do this week but I'm going to make this a priority. I don't want to celebrate my 25th anniversary with trich. Thank you again for the support, for reading my blog, for posting comments and sending me emails. You are going to help me beat this. The idea of a lifetime with trich is just unfathomable.
Friday, March 9, 2012
A Long Hiatus
Thank you for the posts, comments and emails I have received over the last couple months- they really have helped and I'll admit it's encouraging to know I have supporters as sometimes I question myself whether or not anyone even reads my blog.
It's not been an easy few months for my battle with trich. As I sit here typing this post, the first since November (yikes! has it been that long??) I have no eyebrows. None. There is nothing I can point to and define as the source of my pulling which has frustrated and discouraged me more than I can even admit to sometimes. I just cant understand it and my self-esteem and confidence is once again pretty low as I'm afraid to get too close to people since I don't want them to see my penciled in eyebrows.
My eyelashes somehow have been okay. Not great, but okay. I have pulled here and there but I'm happy to say that the bottom lashes have not been touched and the top ones are significant enough that I can wear mascara and don't really need to use much make up. On a random note, I'm typing this while working form home with the TV on and in the background (no joke, as I'm writing this) the View is doing a segment about how "eyelashes make all the difference on a persons face" and talking about how noticeable lashes are on a person. Ugh. Now they are encouraging and singing the praises about Latisse and Revitolash Advance as a way to regrow and thicken your lashes. Apparently they aren't taking into account that some of us pull our lashes (but I guess that would be a different segment).
So once again I'm analyzing my behavior, my diet, my stress levels and everything else that could be a factor in my downfall but at the same time I'm trying to come to terms with the fact I may never beat this awful disease. That's probably why I haven't posted on here in so long- I'm in a bit of a Debbie Downer phase. The summer (and bright lights, and water, and sweating) is just around the corner and I'm eyebrowless. My boyfriend and I are talking about eloping and I cant stop thinking about how I always figured by the time I'd get married, and when taking all those "pictures that last a lifetime" I would have my lashes. And truthfully I just don't know if it will happen.
I don't really know what to do to get myself out of this funk and back on a positive track. I say that and then I don't write on my blog, don't check into the online forums, don't go to support groups. So many excuses and I just let those excuses take over. I have been changing my diet (thank you weight watchers) and starting to exercise (spinning and pilates are my latest) so maybe that will have a positive influence. Anyway, that's my update for now. Again, I want to thank you for the support as it really has made, and continues to make, a big difference and it helps me get motivated even though it's hard to tell from today's post. Today is as good of a day as any to make a change for the better. It's a great day to get better.
It's not been an easy few months for my battle with trich. As I sit here typing this post, the first since November (yikes! has it been that long??) I have no eyebrows. None. There is nothing I can point to and define as the source of my pulling which has frustrated and discouraged me more than I can even admit to sometimes. I just cant understand it and my self-esteem and confidence is once again pretty low as I'm afraid to get too close to people since I don't want them to see my penciled in eyebrows.
My eyelashes somehow have been okay. Not great, but okay. I have pulled here and there but I'm happy to say that the bottom lashes have not been touched and the top ones are significant enough that I can wear mascara and don't really need to use much make up. On a random note, I'm typing this while working form home with the TV on and in the background (no joke, as I'm writing this) the View is doing a segment about how "eyelashes make all the difference on a persons face" and talking about how noticeable lashes are on a person. Ugh. Now they are encouraging and singing the praises about Latisse and Revitolash Advance as a way to regrow and thicken your lashes. Apparently they aren't taking into account that some of us pull our lashes (but I guess that would be a different segment).
So once again I'm analyzing my behavior, my diet, my stress levels and everything else that could be a factor in my downfall but at the same time I'm trying to come to terms with the fact I may never beat this awful disease. That's probably why I haven't posted on here in so long- I'm in a bit of a Debbie Downer phase. The summer (and bright lights, and water, and sweating) is just around the corner and I'm eyebrowless. My boyfriend and I are talking about eloping and I cant stop thinking about how I always figured by the time I'd get married, and when taking all those "pictures that last a lifetime" I would have my lashes. And truthfully I just don't know if it will happen.
I don't really know what to do to get myself out of this funk and back on a positive track. I say that and then I don't write on my blog, don't check into the online forums, don't go to support groups. So many excuses and I just let those excuses take over. I have been changing my diet (thank you weight watchers) and starting to exercise (spinning and pilates are my latest) so maybe that will have a positive influence. Anyway, that's my update for now. Again, I want to thank you for the support as it really has made, and continues to make, a big difference and it helps me get motivated even though it's hard to tell from today's post. Today is as good of a day as any to make a change for the better. It's a great day to get better.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
21 day goal
In the past week my eyelashes have certainly received a break and I haven't picked one but my left eyebrow still doesn't exist and the right one is about the same as it's been for a while- too thin and short with very little hair. The little stubby hairs that come in, and they come in surprisingly fast, make me so anxious and I can not leave them alone and touch them incessantly. Now that I don't have the tweezers, my beloved and hated tweezers, I have resorted back to hands and even, shamefully, scissors at one point. Yes, scissors, just so I can relieve myself of the anxiety and get the damn stubby hairs out.
I have 21 days until Jamaica. 21 days to get myself together and stop this nonsense so that I can swim and be in the sun without worrying that my eyebrows are disappearing and/or extremely and noticeably absent. The pilates has been helping but work is so stressful right now that I allow myself the bullshit excuses. So I will just continue to try and fight my way through the next 21 days.
I have 21 days until Jamaica. 21 days to get myself together and stop this nonsense so that I can swim and be in the sun without worrying that my eyebrows are disappearing and/or extremely and noticeably absent. The pilates has been helping but work is so stressful right now that I allow myself the bullshit excuses. So I will just continue to try and fight my way through the next 21 days.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
New Month, New Resolve (or so I hope), New Picture
Making it 24 hours has been harder then I thought and the last few days have been far from successful. There is something about the start of a new month (which ends in a trip to Jamaica) that I hope holds some promise.
The tweezer is now gone (about damn time) and i have picked at the skin on my pointer finger, the one with the permanent indentation, that I generally use to pull so now that is harder and painful (whatever works). I dont think the stress has been helping and lately I find that I'm also grinding my teeth and have been more tired than usual. I'm trying to address those issues which I know impact my pulling. Exercise has been almost impossible because my back has been bad but last week I tried pilates and it was WONDERFUL. It's sadly too expensive to do all the time but, as life might have it, yesterday we picked up a decent case so I'm just taking a few hundred dollars and buying a pilates package- it is more than I would normally spend but if it helps me feel better and in turn stop pulling then it's worth it. I need to address the stress in my life if I'm going to ever start making progress again with trich.
So my next trial class is today at 4:00 and then I am just going to take the money and pick one of the two pilates places I've tried- money be damned right now. If I have to give up on going out one night a week so I can do pilates twice a week for the next few weeks then the trade off is worth it. At least it is a start. That plus throwing out the tweezers I hope will help me start heading in the right direction..... and now to put aside the shame and show you my no-make up photo of the week (very scary- i have NEVER shown anyone before!)
The tweezer is now gone (about damn time) and i have picked at the skin on my pointer finger, the one with the permanent indentation, that I generally use to pull so now that is harder and painful (whatever works). I dont think the stress has been helping and lately I find that I'm also grinding my teeth and have been more tired than usual. I'm trying to address those issues which I know impact my pulling. Exercise has been almost impossible because my back has been bad but last week I tried pilates and it was WONDERFUL. It's sadly too expensive to do all the time but, as life might have it, yesterday we picked up a decent case so I'm just taking a few hundred dollars and buying a pilates package- it is more than I would normally spend but if it helps me feel better and in turn stop pulling then it's worth it. I need to address the stress in my life if I'm going to ever start making progress again with trich.
So my next trial class is today at 4:00 and then I am just going to take the money and pick one of the two pilates places I've tried- money be damned right now. If I have to give up on going out one night a week so I can do pilates twice a week for the next few weeks then the trade off is worth it. At least it is a start. That plus throwing out the tweezers I hope will help me start heading in the right direction..... and now to put aside the shame and show you my no-make up photo of the week (very scary- i have NEVER shown anyone before!)
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Awareness
It has been 24 hours since my last post and I've pulled 1 eyebrow and 1 eyelash. It was in the morning when I was thinking about my day and not paying much attention to what I was doing. At first, I was able to resist, catch myself, and not pull. Five minutes later they were gone. After a few deep breaths and reminding myself that I can do this, I got up, walked around, and havent pulled since.
It's a start. Not a great start but at least I'm more conscious of my actions so now I will try and go 24 hours without pulling any of them. This will clearly be a daily struggle (again) for a while.
It's a start. Not a great start but at least I'm more conscious of my actions so now I will try and go 24 hours without pulling any of them. This will clearly be a daily struggle (again) for a while.
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