Believe it or not I am still pull free but the days since my last post have been incredibly tough. The urge to pull the "wrong direction" eyelashes is screaming at me to just pull and my stubby eyebrow hair is just waiting to be set free. Ugh. I have not been as proactive as I should be since I'm allowing myself WAY to much time to feel the hairs rather than getting up and walking around, finding something else to do, etc. It's been a battle but so far I'm still winning- I just wish the hairs would grow in faster so that at least I have something to keep me excited about (i still have a few tiny bald spots on my right eyelid where no hair has come in yet, at least not thick enough to cover the spot). For now I need to step up my game if I want to make it another day.
Yesterday was an interesting day. About 100 things have been going on at work and at home and its just been chaotic but instead of focusing on all of that yesterday, I wasted probably close to 2 1/2 hours freaking out about trich. When I got back from court yesterday I went onto the trich support group site I joined (which has become part of my daily routine) and decided to respond to someone's email. I thought that my name was hidden under an "alias" so I didnt think anything about it but once the email was sent it became clear that my name was attached to the email- you couldn't miss it. You would have thought the world was collapsing if you were in my office. I freaked. As ready as I am to talk about it, I need to control who knows and when. What if someone I know is also in that group and sees my name? What if they make the connection?
I realize that those questions seem ridiculous and that anyone else on the site is suffering from the same disease I am suffering from, so hopefully they wouldn't be judging but I cant help how I felt in that moment. I spent the next few hours desperately trying to make sure any future emails did NOT have my name and trying to get back the email so my name wasn't just hanging out there. It felt sad and pathetic that I could be so upset over something so silly, especially given everything else going on. But what can i say? For now, at least, I like the anonymity that the blog provides and that (i thought) the support group provided. I have not been ready to step foot into a group meeting or to go on a trich retreat and discuss it openly with strangers. I'm not there yet. Let's just say I ended up deleting my entire email account (which was only set up to join this support group anyway) and created a new one with a fictitious name. I know it may sound silly but I just had to do it. Today I have quite a bit more perspective but I still like being anonymous.
Anyway, I better get back to work since I clearly lost out on productivity yesterday and have lots to make up for! Thanks for reading!
Reason #9 to stop- the fear of being somewhere without my eyeliner.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
It's not silly at all to want to remain anonymous. It takes time to get comfortable in telling people what you're going through. Personally, I don't think I ever want everyone in my life to know. I'd rather just keep it to the few people that I trust, get control of it and no one else ever has to know anything about it. The last few days have been super hard!! But I just keep thinking how I don't want to have to report another failure on my blog. I have one eyelash that is "crooked" and it is driving me insane!! I am dying to pull it out, but I'm using all my willpower to stay away from it. And you're right, we can do this!!
ReplyDelete