It's a great day to get better

Well, as you may have gathered from my previous post, this has been a very difficult week. I'm proud to say that throughout everything, I have made it to 12 days without pulling, however, I must admit that to a certain extent its only luck that has enabled me to make that statement. Last night, after a pretty emotional day, I found myself stroking my eyelashes and at one point I tried to pull but just didnt pull anything out. I was able to stop myself but I recognize that I was again too passive in my efforts and I wont beat this disease by just willing it to stop.

The past week I've been having doubts about my boyfriend- I dont doubt how much I like him, just hard to know where it was going and whether it was right for me since he works so much and its often very hard to see him. He was also MIA on his birthday (which was Wednesday) and his brothers were mysteriously in town, from Italy, which made me wonder what was going on with him. Turns out that his elderly mother is very ill and his brothers, who were going to be in the area for work, came by to talk to him. Sadly, it is to the point where he has quit his jobs and is returning to Italy for the foreseeable future to spend time with his family (he thinks about 6 weeks). I feel horrible for him and selfishly I'm feeling sorry for myself.

To make matters even tougher, today is the 10 year anniversary of my friend's murder. We were very close for years and had known each other since we were 5 years old. There have been many things in life that have impacted who I am as a person, but nothing, not even 9/11 and what my family went through as a result of that day, has had as much of impact as her death. It has taken years to learn how to make my peace with it, and I have, but the 10 year mark is hard and I'm feeling really sad this week for all she has missed out on, for her family and all those people who miss her. One of the things she used to always say was "it's a great day to get better"- how right she was.

So it's been a struggle. I know she would want me to beat this and be happy. I know I can set my goal to still be trich-free when my boyfriend comes back (although today I think we will be talking about what to do with our relationship during this time, another hard topic- yes, I believe in the "if its meant to be" mantra but its still hard), but I'm still trying to just take it day by day and not get overwhelmed. I dont want to give up on beating my trich, I dont want to fall back on 12 days of hard progress.

So the struggle will continue and I just want to thank everyone for reading and for the comments and emails- I know most people reading can relate to how hard this is and I truly believe that everyones support is what helps me make it another day. I still believe I can do this, that we all can. So in the words of my friend whom I will never forget- it's a great day to get better.

Reason #11- the dark circles that will often appear around my eyes as a result of wearing eyeliner (which smudges) with no eyelashes.