Moving on

Last week was not a good week for me. While I posted about picking up and moving on with my slips, it just didnt quite work out that way. I just couldnt get myself to stop pulling. I would be sitting down, have an urge, remove my hand from up by my eyes and breath, telling myself all the reasons that I didnt want to pull. I would think that the urge had passed and literally as soon as I stopped the mental chats with myself, I would go right back to pulling, barely missing a beat.

I wish there was some big stresser, some event I could point to and say "that was the source of my pulling" but I cant. It was an average, ordinary week. I've been casually seeing this really nice guy who works in the courthouse, family and work life is the same, I had a great weekend and week seeing friends- I just cant explain it.

The damage has been done. About half of my left eyebrow is gone and now has to be penciled in again which I hate more than I've ever hated it. The eyelashes on my left eyelid are fairly thin with tiny spots where I'm missing eyelashes altogether. The right eyebrow and eyelashes fared a bit better but they have also been thinned out. I was so angry with myself but now I'm over it. Its the consequence for my slip and I have to deal with it.

This week has already been better but I've stepped up my efforts big time. For the last few days I have been working out in the morning for a solid 30 minutes and then doing pilates or yoga when I get home. I'm cutting out most of the junk food (still cant get rid of my need for some cookies or chocolate each day). I'm also reading a book called the Happiness Project which has kind of been inspiring me to get my life back on track and figure out what I really want. Sometimes I think I really need to stop and be introspective, figure out a new direction or hobby to fulfill. While I wouldnt say I'm unhappy at this stage of my life, I definitely benefit from trying to improve my life now and figure out how to be a calmer, more balanced, happier person in the future and I'm hoping that spills over into my battle with trich.

For now it's back to court where I'm finishing up a bench trial (hopefully) and immediately beginning a new trial for my client that I truly believe is innocent and being wrongfully accused. Wish me luck! (and good luck to anyone reading that I'm sure can relate to the ups and downs of trich!)

Lost Love

Yesterday I "rediscovered" my love of eyebrow hair. Those hairs that feel longer and curvier than the rest, particularly the ones closest to my ears ( not that my eyebrows extend to my ears but you get the idea) that just have a certain feel to them that others do not. They come in quicker than other hairs seem to and end up growing longer. The feel of pulling them is not like the other hairs- it's easy yet satisfying. Unfortunately damage can be done so quickly b/c they are so easy to grab a hold of and pull out.

I spent the weekend mostly outside enjoying the weather with friends and there was nothing particularly stressful going on. Yet yesterday morning, as I sat in bed finishing my coffee, checking email and watching Meet the Press, I reconnected with these tempting hairs. Once I pulled one, and at the time it felt as though there were plenty, I just pulled and pulled, knowing full well what I was doing but not caring about the consequences.

Then I looked in the mirror and half of my left eyebrow, just the left, was gone. I should have known this was coming as my weekly "trimming" has gone a little overboard (although I didnt really notice or address this until yesterday). Everything else, fortunately, remained in tact. I'm not going to lie- it felt so good pulling those hairs. For the few minutes it took me to do damage that will take weeks to repair, it was so comforting. Yet, as you know, once you are done or finally stop yourself, the guilt and shame and anxiety kick in. Back to trying to draw in my eyebrows, to making sure it's covered up and as unlikely to be noticed as possible. It sucks. And the sucky part will last a few weeks while the good part only lasted a few minutes. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can't we remember that the good part only lasts a few minutes? (and for those of you that watch The Office, this would be a perfect question calling for the "thats what she said" response- sorry, couldnt resist).

So now its time to pick back up and move on. Maybe this will be the reminder, the kick in the ass, that I needed. Still, this just sucks.