After my earlier post it really sunk in that I am about to turn 30 and will have had this disease for 22 years. That is a really long time, longer then I've ever done anything I can really think of. So, I decided now was as good of a time as any to really look back on all the reasons I have compiled these last few months (plus a few that I added and a few that were reader-suggested) and put them all in one post so, if I was having an urge, I could easily pull up the list and remind myself all the reasons I have wanted to stop. So, here they are........
Reason #1 to stop pulling -the feeling that you have to run to the bathroom when hooking up with a guy to make sure the eyeliner is still in place so he doesnt easily see what is missing.
Reasons #2 - Rain (and swimming, and anything that has to do with water since you never know how it will leave your make up and that feeling in the bottom of your stomach when you are out, you cant fix your make up, and you wonder how bad it is).
Reason #3: Pictures/closeups which seem to make the lack of eyelashes that much more apparent.
Reason #4: Camping/outdoor excursions- (I LOVE the outdoors but always hold back on going on trips where I know I will be around others but will have to come up with an excuse as to why i'm fixing my make up on a nature hike!)
Reason #5- crowded situations where you are forced to talk to people very close up and become extremely self conscious.
Reason # 6- feeling powerless that something has so much control over who I am, what I do, and how I live my life.
Reason # 7- the wrinkles that are appearing on my forehead (i'm 29!) because I always raise my eyebrows when stroking my eyelashes and feeling for what I will be trying to pick/not pick next- over the years I think I've spent so much time lifting my eyebrows to pluck my eyebrows that I'm getting premature awful wrinkles.
Reason #8- the fear of bright spots/locations.
Reason #9 - the anxiety of realizing I’m somewhere without my eyeliner.
Reason #10- being filmed where I cant control the views and close ups that are taken.
Reason #11- the dark circles that will often appear around my eyes as a result of wearing eyeliner (which smudges) with no eyelashes.
Reason #12- the need to always wear make up to hide the signs of trich
Reason #13- always feeling self conscious that people are aware of your 'secret'
Reason #14 -the unnecessary anxiety that is created when I feel a hair that is "out of place" and cant stop obsessing about it. Who needs extra anxiety in their life?
Reason #15- the scars that have developed on my body that will forever be a constant reminder of my trich and the embarrassment over having to try and explain where they came from.
Reason #16- all the bullshit stories I’ve told to “explain” why I have no eyebrows or eyelashes and the crappy way lying makes me feel.
Reason #17- the time/energy wasted on trying to cover up my trich.
Reason #18 (thanks to a reader)- feeling of failure-wanting to stop so desperately and trying but still one day wind up pulling again.
Reason #19 (also thanks to a reader)- Want to control your own life rather than feeling like Trich controls everything you do
Reason #20 - never learning how to actually use make up for its intended purpose since that would have required having a stranger too close to my face.
Reason #21- if trich can be genetic, I need to know how to stop so that I will be able to help my child and so he/she wont spent as much time suffering from this disease as I have.
Reason #22- years of pictures that I hate to look at because of missing eyelashes/eyebrows and/or really bad make up when I tried to cover up my trich.
Reason #23- the fear of getting something in my eyes (which isnt hard when you have no lashes and live in NYC) and not being able to have someone else look into my eye and see where that something is (and the worry of whether it will mess up my make up and i wont have time to fix it before people notice).
Reason #24- relationship issues caused by trich (hard to really be close to someone when you are hesitant to often be physically close for fear that they will uncover your 'secret' and end the relationship)
Reason #25- networking functions requiring close talking
Reason #26- years of time wasted on worrying about what others might think about my trich.
Reason #27- that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that arises when someone unexpectedly notices or comments about my missing hair.
Reason #28 - need to be able to "bat those lashes" on command - never know when you'll be asked.
Reason #29- the fear of dying with no eyelashes (not even dying itself, just dying with no eyelashes and everyone noticing then- this may sound crazy, I know)
Reason #30- not wanting to feel like I’m doing well, not pulling, and then failing again which makes you feel even worse then just the pulling again.
**********************************************************************************
Sadly, these are not even all the reasons I could probably come up with which would serve as reminders as to why I hate this disease so much. The list would probably go on and on and if I was trying to make a pro/con list, like I do with so many things, the "list of reasons to pull" would be blank.
Showing posts with label trich's control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trich's control. Show all posts
Monday, September 13, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Memories good and bad
When I was younger I was about as awkward(as a teenager and pre-teen if I'm being honest) as you could get. I have naturally curly hair that my mother always had me keep just above my shoulders (she insisted this was for the benefit of my swimming since shorter hair drags less) which for anyone else that has curly hair you know that this can be a recipe for disaster- the longer it is, the more it weighs itself down. I refer to it as my "poodle afro" and in those days it was out of control because I was clueless about anything beauty related (and still a bit clueless).
Next was the teen acne which I thought could be covered up with make up but again, since I had no clue how to wear make up, it just made it worse. Mom was no help on this one and most of my friends were either boys or athletes, neither of whom had much need for makeup (the girls were much more blessed than me on almost all look fronts).
My wardrobe selections were atrocious. Thankfully in HS I was in Catholic School and didnt have to worry much about my day to day outfit but on the whole, if it wasnt something I could swim in or work out in, my "style" was hideous and I just didnt have a clue, even for the 80s.
To top it all off I had glasses. Not just glasses, but big glasses that took over most of my pimpled, awkward, eyelash free face. They started off as big blue glasses when I was 8 (shortly after the trich started), turned into enormous red glasses and ending with big round wire glasses. My mom had always told me that I couldnt get contacts until my eyelashes were back. Man, did I want to get rid of the glasses- I tried so hard for years to beat trich and couldnt. By the middle of my freshman year in HS my mom (and I) finally gave up and she let me get contacts (i've since had laser eye surgery which was one of the best purchases of my life).
Despite my general pre-teen/teen hideousness (seriously I am amazed that my parents left the house with me during those years) the one thing I always notice in old pictures is my lack of eyelashes. I was looking at an old picture over the weekend, one of the few I have of me with my grandmother, and the glasses and missing eyelashes makes it hard for me to look at the picture with happy memories. I know that the glasses did bring me some level of comfort, they were my barrier and, in my mind during those years, gave me some refuge from people directly and immediately noticing that my eyelashes were completely gone. It makes me sad, for all the years of anxiety I've suffered, for the photos that should be happy memories but really just make me sad for my younger, insecure self.
Fortunately when I was about 14 (and the acne was going away and the glasses were gone) someone saw me in a mall and offered me a makeover which my mom agreed to. She taught me (finally!) the art of make up application, how to use eyeliner to at least give the initial appearance of having eyelashes (which later was used with my missing eyebrows), just general tips. It took a few years to get my hair and clothing under control and, I kid you not, I had a guy i had known for most of my life approach me at a party when I was about 19 and literally stop short and say "wow, you grew up nicely, thats surprising". haha.
Now I can laugh about it. I'm pretty confident in who I am and what I look like and part of my is glad for the humility that was forced upon me since I can really relate much better to people and can help my younger cousins through their awkward teen years (mostly this consists of showing them a photo of me at 11 and telling them at least they arent that bad and letting them know what you look like then has NOTHING to do with what you will/can look like later so they will get through it).
I hate how despite the years that have passed, I still look at these old photos and the first thing I notice is whether I was having a good week or bad week with trich behind the glasses. I see a teenager uncomfortable in her own skin and a situation made even harder because of the "trich secret". I hope one day I will look back on this differently but I just hope that the memories I'm creating now arent dictated, albeit years later, by how good I'm doing with my trich. I've come to accept it as part of who I am, who I'll always be, but that doesnt mean it doesnt still hurt and make me sad for the years lost.
Here's to a better future, one where I'm in control, not trich. I wish you the same.
Next was the teen acne which I thought could be covered up with make up but again, since I had no clue how to wear make up, it just made it worse. Mom was no help on this one and most of my friends were either boys or athletes, neither of whom had much need for makeup (the girls were much more blessed than me on almost all look fronts).
My wardrobe selections were atrocious. Thankfully in HS I was in Catholic School and didnt have to worry much about my day to day outfit but on the whole, if it wasnt something I could swim in or work out in, my "style" was hideous and I just didnt have a clue, even for the 80s.
To top it all off I had glasses. Not just glasses, but big glasses that took over most of my pimpled, awkward, eyelash free face. They started off as big blue glasses when I was 8 (shortly after the trich started), turned into enormous red glasses and ending with big round wire glasses. My mom had always told me that I couldnt get contacts until my eyelashes were back. Man, did I want to get rid of the glasses- I tried so hard for years to beat trich and couldnt. By the middle of my freshman year in HS my mom (and I) finally gave up and she let me get contacts (i've since had laser eye surgery which was one of the best purchases of my life).
Despite my general pre-teen/teen hideousness (seriously I am amazed that my parents left the house with me during those years) the one thing I always notice in old pictures is my lack of eyelashes. I was looking at an old picture over the weekend, one of the few I have of me with my grandmother, and the glasses and missing eyelashes makes it hard for me to look at the picture with happy memories. I know that the glasses did bring me some level of comfort, they were my barrier and, in my mind during those years, gave me some refuge from people directly and immediately noticing that my eyelashes were completely gone. It makes me sad, for all the years of anxiety I've suffered, for the photos that should be happy memories but really just make me sad for my younger, insecure self.
Fortunately when I was about 14 (and the acne was going away and the glasses were gone) someone saw me in a mall and offered me a makeover which my mom agreed to. She taught me (finally!) the art of make up application, how to use eyeliner to at least give the initial appearance of having eyelashes (which later was used with my missing eyebrows), just general tips. It took a few years to get my hair and clothing under control and, I kid you not, I had a guy i had known for most of my life approach me at a party when I was about 19 and literally stop short and say "wow, you grew up nicely, thats surprising". haha.
Now I can laugh about it. I'm pretty confident in who I am and what I look like and part of my is glad for the humility that was forced upon me since I can really relate much better to people and can help my younger cousins through their awkward teen years (mostly this consists of showing them a photo of me at 11 and telling them at least they arent that bad and letting them know what you look like then has NOTHING to do with what you will/can look like later so they will get through it).
I hate how despite the years that have passed, I still look at these old photos and the first thing I notice is whether I was having a good week or bad week with trich behind the glasses. I see a teenager uncomfortable in her own skin and a situation made even harder because of the "trich secret". I hope one day I will look back on this differently but I just hope that the memories I'm creating now arent dictated, albeit years later, by how good I'm doing with my trich. I've come to accept it as part of who I am, who I'll always be, but that doesnt mean it doesnt still hurt and make me sad for the years lost.
Here's to a better future, one where I'm in control, not trich. I wish you the same.
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