30 Reasons to Stop Pulling

After my earlier post it really sunk in that I am about to turn 30 and will have had this disease for 22 years. That is a really long time, longer then I've ever done anything I can really think of. So, I decided now was as good of a time as any to really look back on all the reasons I have compiled these last few months (plus a few that I added and a few that were reader-suggested) and put them all in one post so, if I was having an urge, I could easily pull up the list and remind myself all the reasons I have wanted to stop. So, here they are........

Reason #1 to stop pulling -the feeling that you have to run to the bathroom when hooking up with a guy to make sure the eyeliner is still in place so he doesnt easily see what is missing.

Reasons #2 - Rain (and swimming, and anything that has to do with water since you never know how it will leave your make up and that feeling in the bottom of your stomach when you are out, you cant fix your make up, and you wonder how bad it is).

Reason #3: Pictures/closeups which seem to make the lack of eyelashes that much more apparent.

Reason #4: Camping/outdoor excursions- (I LOVE the outdoors but always hold back on going on trips where I know I will be around others but will have to come up with an excuse as to why i'm fixing my make up on a nature hike!)

Reason #5- crowded situations where you are forced to talk to people very close up and become extremely self conscious.

Reason # 6- feeling powerless that something has so much control over who I am, what I do, and how I live my life.

Reason # 7- the wrinkles that are appearing on my forehead (i'm 29!) because I always raise my eyebrows when stroking my eyelashes and feeling for what I will be trying to pick/not pick next- over the years I think I've spent so much time lifting my eyebrows to pluck my eyebrows that I'm getting premature awful wrinkles.

Reason #8- the fear of bright spots/locations.

Reason #9 - the anxiety of realizing I’m somewhere without my eyeliner.

Reason #10- being filmed where I cant control the views and close ups that are taken.

Reason #11- the dark circles that will often appear around my eyes as a result of wearing eyeliner (which smudges) with no eyelashes.

Reason #12- the need to always wear make up to hide the signs of trich

Reason #13- always feeling self conscious that people are aware of your 'secret'

Reason #14 -the unnecessary anxiety that is created when I feel a hair that is "out of place" and cant stop obsessing about it. Who needs extra anxiety in their life?

Reason #15- the scars that have developed on my body that will forever be a constant reminder of my trich and the embarrassment over having to try and explain where they came from.

Reason #16- all the bullshit stories I’ve told to “explain” why I have no eyebrows or eyelashes and the crappy way lying makes me feel.

Reason #17- the time/energy wasted on trying to cover up my trich.

Reason #18 (thanks to a reader)- feeling of failure-wanting to stop so desperately and trying but still one day wind up pulling again.

Reason #19 (also thanks to a reader)- Want to control your own life rather than feeling like Trich controls everything you do

Reason #20 - never learning how to actually use make up for its intended purpose since that would have required having a stranger too close to my face.

Reason #21- if trich can be genetic, I need to know how to stop so that I will be able to help my child and so he/she wont spent as much time suffering from this disease as I have.

Reason #22- years of pictures that I hate to look at because of missing eyelashes/eyebrows and/or really bad make up when I tried to cover up my trich.

Reason #23- the fear of getting something in my eyes (which isnt hard when you have no lashes and live in NYC) and not being able to have someone else look into my eye and see where that something is (and the worry of whether it will mess up my make up and i wont have time to fix it before people notice).

Reason #24- relationship issues caused by trich (hard to really be close to someone when you are hesitant to often be physically close for fear that they will uncover your 'secret' and end the relationship)

Reason #25- networking functions requiring close talking

Reason #26- years of time wasted on worrying about what others might think about my trich.

Reason #27- that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that arises when someone unexpectedly notices or comments about my missing hair.

Reason #28 - need to be able to "bat those lashes" on command - never know when you'll be asked.

Reason #29- the fear of dying with no eyelashes (not even dying itself, just dying with no eyelashes and everyone noticing then- this may sound crazy, I know)

Reason #30- not wanting to feel like I’m doing well, not pulling, and then failing again which makes you feel even worse then just the pulling again.

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Sadly, these are not even all the reasons I could probably come up with which would serve as reminders as to why I hate this disease so much. The list would probably go on and on and if I was trying to make a pro/con list, like I do with so many things, the "list of reasons to pull" would be blank.

Forging Ahead and Changing Routines

It's been almost 3 weeks since I started my month long quest and honestly things are going pretty well. Last night I was looking in the mirror for really the first time in a while and was amazed at how good my eyelashes looked. My eyebrows seem to take longer to come in and they are still pretty thin but my eyelashes look great and I'm back to really only needing a tiny bit of eyeliner and a bit of mascara to make them look "normal". Awesome.

The short update: I have not smoked at all and honestly dont even want to. The exercising took a little hiatus last week as I've been battling a horrible summer cold (and when you stop smoking you put on a few pounds which I have definitely done- about 5 maybe so I desperately need to start working out again- hopefully tomorrow), I've been sleeping MUCH better and despite what could be a pretty stressful time I'm doing shockingly well thanks to changing all my routines. I swear that has been the key.

It seems that when I tend to get into a good routine, particularly at night, where I sit and relax or watch TV, I tend to not be on guard enough with trich and find myself pulling. I think it's important, for me at least, to keep switching it up. When I find I"m getting too comfortable I need to somehow do things differently. Whether its watching TV in bed rather than on the sofa, or moving to a different area of my apartment, reading before bed, just something, it makes a big difference for me and I tend not to pull as much. And when I do get an urge, GETTING UP seems to really help. My fall back is cleaning- if I need to do something to keep myself distracted for 20 minutes or so (which is about how long it really takes the urge to subside just a bit) i'll tackle a closet, a cabinet, my fridge, something. But that's just what works for me these days and I know how easily trich can come up and bite me back in the ass. I'm just hoping to get through each day.

A better week

My weekend slip forced me to do some serious reflecting on my progress and I think I've gotten myself back in gear and am now moving forward. I have not given into the urges and pulled (from anywhere) since the weekend. I attribute part of my success to getting back into the routine I set up about 6 weeks back- I've been waking up early (6am- just cant do much earlier)and working out, drinking less coffee (not a LOT less, but less), eating a bit healthier (less processed sugars), etc.

I have to admit that there is something about waking up early that really seems to help. It sets the tone for the whole day by giving me a chance to start my day off more relaxed and then, by the time I get home, I'm exhausted and spend less time in "compromising" situations where I'm more inclined to pull.

Another thing that really helps is the face washing routine. I recently decided to add to my regular routine and splurged on this expensive exfoliating treatment by Kate Somerville called "Exfolikate" that is significantly more than I would ever normally spend on beauty products (I promise that I have ZERO affiliation with this product so this isn't a bad plug or anything- http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P232915&categoryId=C20650). You put it on your face twice a week for about 30 seconds and it literally tingles and stings all at the same time and then leaves your skin SOO soft. My skin/pores have cleared up dramatically and after I use it, especially since its so expensive, I never want to touch my face b/c I don't want to waste the product!

The last thing I've added to the mix was a Rubix cube- yup, you read it right. I was at a friends a few weeks ago and we were splitting a bottle of wine (ok, a couple bottles) when I noticed he had a Rubix cube on his coffee table. I picked it up and was distracted for the next two hours, trying to beat that damn toy. When I was in Barnes and Noble last week I noticed they had one for $10 so I decided that if it helped me keep my hands busy, it was worth the $10. It's been pretty helpful although I will admit that I get so frustrated by the damn thing that my focus isn't quite what it was when I a bit liquored up.

Anyway, that is the update on the last few days. Hopefully I can keep up the progress!