My Tweezer Codependency

Atlantic City was, well, Atlantic City. As expected, there were plenty of gold chain wearing fist pumping guidos and my friend had decided that we dont deal with enough crowds in NYC and that we would go to a club where we were probably the oldest people there and unable to move an inch. Fun times. It was nice to have a change of scenery and it was wonderful spending time with my friend Danielle - I cant remember the last time we had a girls weekend together. It would have been great if we had won some money but oh well- at least we didnt lose too much.

I've held strong since my slip up last week but felt it was time to address my tweezer codependency. I havent always used tweezers to pull, it probably started around high school and again, I didnt start pulling my eyebrows until college.

Despite my current battle to manage trich, I had not yet given up the tweezers. I was using them only for random body hairs that I obsess over (i truthfully havent been fighting this aspect of trich) and for when my eyebrows are out of control so I dont go crazy (i've admitted this before). At some point this weekend, the tweezers went missing. I'm not sure if I lost them in my laundry or if I just misplaced them somewhere, but they have been missing since Saturday.

First let me confess that I do pull hairs from all other areas of my body- I'll tweeze around my belly button, random dark hairs that appear on my chest every few months (i'm a dark blonde naturally, well, i think i am since its been a while since I saw my natural color), wherever a hair appears that doesnt seem to belong. This is another side of trich that I am so embarrassed about and have never before admitted.

Over the years i have devoped little scars on my body from all the unnatural tweezing I have done. I obsess over these hairs since, unlike eyebrows and eyelashes, they seem SO unnatural. Whether that is rational or not, that is how I think. If trich is like any other addiction, I probably would need to give this "pulling" up to in order to beat my trich but, for some reason, I'm really just focused on my eyebrows and eyelashes (although I've been better about pulling everything).

Anyway, Sunday night was when I noticed the tweezers were really missing. For most 'normal' people, they would just figure it was lost and go about their day. Not me. I searched for the tweezers and had a feeling of panic in my stomach when they didnt turn up. Luckily Sunday's search only lasted about 10 minutes and then I was able to relax and let it go. Last night was a little different.

My eyebrow hairs have been coming in so well that last night was time to do a little natural trimming so I could prevent them from getting too out of control which would inevitably lead me to pulling them all out. This may sound like I'm avoiding my trich entirely, but this is how I need to do this. Anyway, there are 3 eyebrow hairs that are much lower than my eyebrows- they are close to the eyelid but not eyelashes. They are actually painful. That may sound crazy, but even sitting here now I can feel them. Normally i would allow myself to tweeze these hairs (and only these hairs) but I still couldnt find the tweezer.

Perhaps it was that I was completely exhausted last night and wasnt as conscious of my behavior but the missing tweezer almost sent me into an anxiety attack. I NEEDED to get those hairs out and couldnt stop thinking about them. I know how this all sounds and I suppose I felt that until I admitted my tweezer codependency, I would be not fully opening up to anyone reading or to myself.

To keep from using the tweezers regularly I have been keeping them at the opposite end of my apartment so I don't just use it- so I have to consciously get up and decide to use them. Its been working in the sense that once every week or two I allow myself to do a small grooming of my eyebrows and i haven't been using it to pull like I normally would. I do, however, use the tweezers fairly regularly to pull out any "out of place/unnatural body hairs" that appear. I'm mortified at the idea of hooking up with a guy only to have him see I have random black hairs all around my bellybutton, but another part of me is mortified at, in this same scenario, a guy (or anyone at the beach) seeing the tiny little scars I've accumulated in the process.

Even now I'm thinking about those 3 little hairs. Normally during the day I dont have any urges to pull but right now that isnt the case- I still want them out.

I dont know how to reconcile this situation. I know that I cant give up getting rid of those body hairs but dont want to risk it spilling over and affecting the progress I've made with my eyebrows and eyelashes (on Sunday morning just wearing a little mascara and nothing else which is a definite first for me- it feels SO empowering).

Anyway, that's my confession. I haven't figured out how to address this aspect of my trich or how to change my mindset so that I can live with those little dark hairs all over me. The plush little toy I bought last week to keep my hands busy isn't helping this particular situation. If you have suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Until then, I'm going to just try keeping my focus and hope that I can get past this and come up with a realistic plan...........

Reason #15- the scars that have developed on my body that will forever be a constant reminder of my trich and the embarrassment over having to try and explain where they came from.