Choosing not to pull (sounds so easy, doesnt it?)

It's been a hell of a week and a half and while life hasn't gotten too much less stressful, I'm still somehow hanging on day to day. I swear each night has been getting harder and this is taking every bit of willpower I have in me. While I want to pull less and less after seeing such positive results with my hair really growing in, the uncontrollable, and also subconscious, need to pull is testing me each day.

I'm trying to think of trich as the one thing right now I can control- I dont HAVE to pull. While so many other things in life dont give you a choice, I can do everything in my power to choose not to pull. Anyone with trich knows that this isnt an easy decision. It's not something you can just wake up one day and say "guess what, I'm never going to pull again, thats my choice!" ha. If it were that simple, there wouldn't be so many people suffering from this disease and living a life often filled with shame over the pulling. But I'm trying to take any energy I can summon into fighting this and giving myself the choice not to pull, and not to want to pull. I have trich but trich doesnt have to control me.

It's funny but I used to think that once I got to the point where I had a good amount of eyelashes then I wouldnt want to pull anymore (at this point I've been able to use a little mascara which I havent done in who knows how long- just shows they really are coming in). I figured that I would feel so good about not pulling that I just wouldnt do it. Again, if only it were that easy. Now there are just more choice and opportunities to pull (or you can look at it as opportunities NOT to pull). I can choose from the wrong way hairs, the thicker hairs, the short stubby hairs, the out of place hairs- it's like going into a chocolate store, so many choices you just want to get your hands on. I'm obsessing now over every hair on my body. I knew this wasnt going to be easy but I guess I hoped it wouldnt be this hard.

So my battle will continue. I want it, I want it so bad. If I cant figure out a way to control it this time, when I want to beat it more than I ever have before, I dont know when it will happen. I know that I wont be perfect, that I may slip up and thats ok. Whether its a good thing or a bad, I just keep telling myself that for all the things that kind of suck right now in life, and let's be honest there are always people who have it SO much worse, my life will only get better if I work really hard and stay focused on managing/beating my trich (oh, and I talked to my friend Megan about my trich last week and she was, not surprisingly, wonderfully supportive).

That's all I have for now. I wish I could be more encouraging and make it sound like battling trich gets easier over time but I'm not going to lie to myself or anyone else. It's hard, but that doesnt mean its impossible.

Reason #12- the need to always wear make up to hide the signs of trich (it would be so nice to just be able to wash my face, put on chapstick and go out).