I have made it a week. This weekend has been incredibly difficult but I am trying everything and anything and have officially made it 7 days. Right now I want to pull so badly- those eyelashes that are going in the 'wrong direction' are just begging me to pull them out, to play with them, to just do something but I cant. I now need to make it to 2 weeks.
I had decided on Friday that I wouldnt be going out much this weekend b/c I had so much to do for work with a big trial coming up (did I mention that I'm a trial attorney and so my job is basically public speaking with people starting at me? oh yes, more motivation to stop) and staying in can often be a recipe for disaster since we all know what can happen when we are bored. As bad as the urges have been, I want to stop more.
Late at night and early in the morning continue to be the worst times for me and I find myself stroking my eyelashes and eyebrows while I am reading, watching TV, doing work on my computer. First, when i would feel myself doing this while sitting down I would get up and walk away from the spot I was in. In all honesty, I didnt get that much work done because I was so focused on keeping my hands busy- I organized my bedroom, cleaned out all my drawers, sorted through clothes and pictures and anything I could think of. It wasnt my original plan to get rid of all the clutter from my life but thats the path i'm now on and since it keeps me busy and my thoughts from pulling- I'll happily take a more organized and decluttered life instead.
Besides just getting up from my spot (thanks mom for that seemingly simple suggestion that I just wasnt using), I also have been forcing myself to read all the support group emails, to reread my blog, to just focus on the bigger trich picture when I'm feeling bad and the urges are strong. Reading how alone, unhappy, frustrated and out of control people feel with this disease make me want to beat it more so I no longer feel those feelings. It makes me want to stop for me and for them- if I can overcome my own 21 year battle with trich then maybe I can find a way to help other people and have confidence to talk about it openly- to make people more aware of this horrible disease.
My mom and I talk every day and she doesnt bring up trich (she did comment that she is still unsure about bringing it up since she knew for years I hated talking about it) but I make myself bring it up to her and she will talk about it with me. She keeps reminding me not to give up if I slip and I know that she is right. I know that 21 years of this behavior isnt going to change overnight and I'm going to forgive myself if i do slip- I know I'm not perfect but I also know that I cant give up.
The hair is starting to really come in (I had definitely slowed down my pulling after the new year so it's more than just hair from 7 days) and I'm feeling really good about it. I was at brunch yesterday with my boyfriend (whom I like more and more each day even though I dont get to see him as often as I'd like due to our crazy work schedules) and we were sitting in a very bright spot (despite the 0 degree weather) and all I could think of was how good it would be to be sitting in that spot without feeling worried that my makeup wasnt perfect, that he would figure out my secret. I'm still not ready to tell him and I'm not sure when I will be but I'm trying to visualize how it will feel to not be self conscious and uncomfortable just b/c I'm sitting in a spot that is well lit- I think it would feel pretty damn good.
So I made it a week and I'd love to make it 2 weeks but right now, I just want to make it through this weekend. That's my goal- I need to get through today/tonight without pulling. I'm going to go run some errands, maybe meet a friend for an afternoon outing and then come back and clean out my closet before going to bed. Just have to keep busy right now. I dont know why the urges are so bad, if it has to do with getting my period and/or if it's just the natural trich urges, but I've got to make it through the day and hopefully tomorrow I will able to post that I've made it 8 days.
Thanks for reading and I hope anyone reading had a great, pull-free weekend.
Reason #8 to stop- the fear of bright spots/locations.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment