So, I have this problem.......

This is the week I want(ed) to open up to friends and family but it's not going so well. My sister was over last night for dinner and I didnt even bring up the blog or that I'm looking to rally support from friends and family. If anyone would be easy to tell, it's her. To be honest, I'm not even sure I want my friends and family to know about the blog since its so much easier to be anonymous and so much of what I'm writing on here feels incredibly personal- hopefully that will change over time.

Part of me understands why it is so difficult to tell my friends but then another part of me feels like it should be so much easier than I'm making it out to be- they are my friends, they should understand and love me anyway. I have been so lucky to have great friends over the years but this is one of the very few things I just cant talk about and that sucks.

About five years ago I was in St Croix on a family vacation with my cousin, who also suffered from trich. I finally found the courage to ask her about how she had beaten her disease but was disappointed to get a very vague, unhelpful response and then she was pretty clear that she didnt want to talk about it. Knowing how hard it can be (but secretly crushed) I didnt want to push the subject with her and instead decided to continue with the little courage I had at that time and call a few other friends. I've had varying responses :

1. Karen (friend from college): I actually called Karen from St. Croix and, through a lot of tears, told her all about my trich. At the time, Karen wasnt even that good of a friend but she was very supportive on the phone and didnt make me feel like the freakshow I thought she would assume I was. That said, Karen quickly moved on to discussing her own issues and I dont think we ever spoke about trich after that call.

2. Danielle (friend from HS): Danielle has always been a great friend to me even though we dont see each other that often, so it wasnt surprising that she was very supportive. I dont recall when or how I told her but remember that afterwards, every so often, she would ask me how it was going. We havent spoken about trich in maybe two years but thats my fault since i was so uncomfortable every time she asked that she probably felt like she was hurting me to keep asking. I'm going to talk to her again.

3. Michelle (friend from HS): For years I considered Michelle to be my best friend but telling her about trich was a terrible experience. I remember that she called about four years ago and I was just pulling in to my parking garage. I pulled over to the side of the road (so I wouldnt lose service) and just told her. She made me feel like a freak- I doubt it was intentional but her reaction made me so uncomfortable and I've never told anyone else since. She kept asking things like "why would someone do such a thing?" and was just not at all supportive or understanding. Michelle and I are actually no longer friends- turns out she was pretty judgmental about a lot of things and we havent spoken in over a year. In the back of my mind I've never been able to forget that awful conversation and think I've always harbored some resentment over it.

I'm not sure why I'm so afraid to tell other close friends. Will they think less of me? Will they tell people? Will they never be able to look away from my eyes (and make me always feel ugly and awkward?) In all my dating years I've only openly talked about it with one boyfriend who was incredibly supportive and controlling all at the same time, however, after we broke up I was able to kind of stop for about 6 months, the closest I've ever been able to stopping completely even though I was still pulling fairly regularly, just not as much. (and yes, everything grew back so there is hope we can be normal again!)

Writing this has helped me realize that the best place to start is with my sister and Danielle- they will understand and give me the confidence to tell Megan, one of my best friends, who I'm sure will be wonderful and supportive (but I always find an excuse to avoid talking to her about trich). This time tomorrow I will have told 2 of the 3, and since I'm going to see Megan soon for dinner, I will tell her then. Wish me luck.

Update from yesterday: Pulled 2 eyelashes without even realizing I was doing it and then stopped and didnt pull any more. Eyebrows are a bit more complicated- I realized that I will never be able to stop if I feel like they are bushy and stubby (i have pencil thin eyebrows at the moment) so I'm working on just increasing the size of my eyebrows so they are normal but still plucking/grooming the hairs that come in close to the top of my eyelid. I'm not sure if this is cheating but I'd rather try this way then just pull everything. We'll see.

Reasons #2 to stop- Rain (and swimming, and anything that has to do with water since you never know how it will leave your make up and that feeling in the bottom of your stomach when you are out, you cant fix your make up, and you wonder how bad it is).

As always, thanks for reading and good luck! :)