Today I'm not going to talk as much about what I''ve been doing on my personal quest to beat trich because, in all honesty, yesterday was a busy day so other than doing some research online I didnt take any new bold steps. On a positive note, I am now heading into Day 5 of being pull free. I'm so focused on trich right now that I cant pull subconsciously because I'm ALWAYS thinking about it. I do have a few eyelashes that are "out of place" (basically they dont come straight out of my eyelid but almost go across my eyelid)- I want to pull them so bad and my willpower was fading last night but somehow, I was able to resist, yay!
A couple weeks ago my boyfriend and I were hanging out in my apartment. I dont know how the conversation came about but we are always joking with each other and I think he made a comment about how he has his "winter sweater" (basically the guy, when he goes a week without having his chest waxed or something will have a lot of chest hair- he blames it on being from Italy (he moved here a number of years ago)). Anyway, we joked about it and then he just casually said "do you hate hair"? To anyone else it probably would have been a meaningless comment in response to my jokes about his "sweater" but of course, as someone with trich, this comment stuck with me.
The truth is, I don't have any clue whether he's noticed I dont have eyelashes or eyebrows (although he does notice that I completely shave other areas). I'm fortunate that my trich has not extended to my head hair so he wouldn't get a clue from me wearing a wig or something like that. Again, it's entirely possible that the comment meant nothing but it really got me thinking. Am I obsessed with hair or do I hate it? It seems like such a fucked up love-hate relationship that I don't even know. I would LOVE to have hair, but I hate hair that isn't perfect- I hate when it is too straight, bent at the end, thicker or shorter than the others, when it isn't perfectly in line with all other hairs, when its a different color, when its all alone and has no other hair-friends nearby. It seems crazy to me but the slightest "abnormality" can make me need to pull the hair out (the odd thing is I have thick, fairly long, curly head hair which I dont pull out often- I'm not going to lie and say i never pull it but it isnt that common for me to do).
I notice things about other peoples hairs too- I notice when they have the same "abnormalities" to their eyelashes or eyebrows and i cant stop focusing on it. It's like I want to pull their abnormal hairs out too, as if that will restore some kind of balance to the universe. Anyway, I dont know how I actually feel about hair other than that its mind blowing how much control my hair/trich has over my life and I know I hate that.
Reason # 6 to stop: feeling powerless that something has so much control over who I am, what I do, and how I live my life.
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I don't think I hate hair, I just like everything to be in its place and all the same. Last year, I started to get gray hair on the top of my head. Since then I have noticed that I frequently pull my head hair out when I never did that before. It's very frustrating because I see that silver hair and I want it gone. Then I see hair that is thicker, bent, or just different and I want it gone too. I totally get what you mean about the eyelashes growing in out of place. It drives me nuts and I want to pull it out so bad. I honestly think that it helps to blog about it and think about it daily because it keeps me from subconsciously pulling.
ReplyDeleteI hate hair. And by using the word hate I imply that there was once love there. I'm not sure when I realized I hated hair, its hard to know what your true feelings are, when you constantly have friends, family, and doctors telling you one thing. Trich had been the major stress of my life since I was 11 (23 now), until I decided to discard the "facts" people kept telling me (example: hair makes you beautiful- you need hair - pulling is bad). I hate hair and I love being bald! I shave those hairs off everyday because I enjoy my head smooth and hair free :) people ask " hows your trich?" I say "what trich?" :)
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