The White Elephant Family

For about as long as I can remember I've had this disease. It started only with pulling my eyelashes and I didnt start pulling my eyebrows until college when a friend mentioned that I should "have my eyebrows done". As anyone with trich would probably tell you, that is not a simple statement as, like everything else, I overdid it and pulled most of my eyebrows out from that point forward (btw, I have not pulled any eyelashes since my last post although I have pulled 2 eyebrow hairs- guess this is still slight progress). Anyway, I digress.

My family is obviously aware that I have this problem and over the years I learned that my mother had it (she says she pulled out all of her eyelashes at one point and then just stopped, God I wish it was that simple for me), my great uncle had it, as did/does my cousin (my cousin used to pull out the hair on top of her head as well as her eyebrows and eyelashes- it went on for her entire childhood but she kicked it a long time ago). You would think with all those people to talk and relate to it would be easy to gain support. Not so.

I recall when I was younger, maybe 10 or so, and my father was going on a business trip. At that point I had only some of my eyelashes and I distinctly recall my father literally drawing a picture of my eyes and the eyelashes I had remaining so that he could compare what I had left when he came back. I think they were hoping that this, and possibly a subsequent punishment, would help me stop but I only recall the humililation of this being done and dont remember what happened when he got back. At some point in my life, my family stopped talking about it at all and it just became the white elephant in the room. Even my younger sister, who I would torture like many younger sisters get tortured, never, not once, used the disease as a comeback or insult to hurt me (i give her a ton of credit for this).

I dont know why it isnt talked about. I've tried to talk to my cousin and find out what helped her stop but she really did not want to talk about it and only said she now "twirls" her head hair but doesnt actually pull anything (i do notice that she now picks at her fingers quite a bit). My uncle has since passed away and I never had the opportunity to speak with him and my mother cant understand why I havent just stopped like she did (and now I cant recall the last time we've spoken about it). It's very bizarre. Clearly everyone in my family knows but we just dont talk about it and since it's been so long since we have discussed it, I dont even know how to bring it up (or if I really want to).

At 29 years old it should now be up to me to bring it up, to seek their support and help them to understand what I'm going through so they can help me. My sister is probably the only one who knows how difficult it is for me and will talk to me about it when I want to, I dont fault her at all since I know that she isnt bringing it up because she knows it makes me feel uncomfortable to talk about. But its probably time to break down all the walls because again, I've tried everything else and dont think I can get through this without the support of friends and family. It's just that talking about it can be so incredibly difficult (i've told a few friends over the years but I'll talk about how that went another time). I guess this is now my step 1 and this is the week I will talk to them again. Ugh. I guess I just have to keep telling myself that this may be what helps me beat this disease, and I so badly want to beat it.

Reason #1 to stop (i'm going to start doing this at the end of every post, feel free to post your own reasons, maybe we can compile a large reminder list when it gets tough): the feeling that you have to run to the bathroom when hooking up with a guy to make sure the eyeliner is still in place so he doesnt easily see what is missing.