An overdue update

It's been a while once again. Work and life have been running my life but for the first time in a while I have a free morning. Things are going fairly well and I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant (we think with a boy). I'm very excited and terrified and exhausted although I am incredibly lucky not to have suffered from morning sickness to date.

As for trich, well, that's another story. My eyebrows remain all but non-existent and my eyelashes are recovering from some damage I did a few weeks ago (the bottom remain fine but the top are spotty and thin). I look at my friends with their newborn photos on FB and pray that I can pull it together by the time the baby comes as those pictures will be just as important, if not more, than my wedding pictures last year. It's hard to be optimistic knowing my history.

For a few weeks I had tried knitting at night and to be honest that did seem to be helping. It didnt stop the pulling all together but it did seem to get a little better. I know that most of my pulling happens at night so I'm trying to change some habits and stop touching my face (although I barely realize I'm doing it before its too late). I'm still hoping for that magic cure which isnt coming and the summer is, as always, tough since it feels so much harder to hide my drawn on eyebrows. I did find a good waterproof eyebrow liner from sephora that helps with swimming and sweating. Other than that, life is status quo and just trying to adjust to the idea that our lives will be so different in January but so so grateful that all has gone well!

Welcome back to the bottom, we've missed you

I think I've pretty much hit the bottom yet again. The last few weeks have been the worst in years, with both my eyebrows gone and a LOT of damage to both of my top eyelashes (somehow the bottoms have remained in tact). And it's summer time which means the bright lights, sweating, and everything else is in full effect. Fun times.

I cant tell you exactly how i've gotten here other than to say I seem to have lost all willpower and cant seem to stop pulling at all. Self esteem is also nice and low which just continues to contribute to the bottomless pit I often feel I'm stuck in.

To top it off, I just found out I'm pregnant. It's a bit of a shock and I'm terrified. Add to that stress that last week I found out my thyroid levels were incredibly low (I have hypothyrodism which means my thyroid function is below normal- i've been on medication for years and every so often the meds have to be adjusted. I should have TSH levels around a 2.5 right now and they were at a 22, now down to a 20). Oh yes, that just adds to the stress and complications- as google has terrified me into knowing that low thyroid function makes my likelihood of a miscarriage about 5 times that of someone with regular levels and I had no idea miscarriages were so common to begin with.

So i'm feeling crappy and terrified and stressed and its a vicious cycle to be in. We decided to tell our immediate families only just so that they could be clued in in case something does go wrong and I need the support. My husband seems to be in shock and I'm not sure it's sunk in for him yet. We have our first appointment with the doctor tomorrow so I'm just praying all goes well. To be honest, as horrible as it sounds, I'm just waiting to miscarry- at least this way I can try and brace for the sadness and disappointment. I'm sure that is not helping the situation but I'm too afraid to be happy and excited and I have 8 months to go (I had always promised to be incredibly open and honest on this blog so you are all finding out LONG before many of our friends and family).

So that's the bad and the ugly right not. If you could send prayers and positive vibes my way I would greatly appreciate it. I'm a big ball of hormones right now and just hoping that while all this is going on I can find a way to also get back on track with not pulling. This disease continues to be a dark cloud that makes one feel like there will never be an escape. Either way, I could really use some good news right now so if you have found anything that works, or just want to tell me that you are doing great, please message me and let me know.

As always, thanks for reading and I truly hope you are doing better than I am today!

Trich Signs

I was on the crowded bus today heading crosstown and self conscious about being so close to others when my eyebrows are such a mess and when I looked up there was a sign advertising trich.org. The sign said something to the effect of "I pull out my hair" and "as do millions of others". I have to admit that I was so happy to see the sign but did have a minute of "are people now looking at me?" It's nice to see that an effort is being made to make this disease a bit more public so maybe we no longer have to hide under an unnecessary cloud of shame fearing that people will view us, and our trich, as so unusual and strange. I hope to see many more signs and information about trich!

An eyebrow tutorial

One of the scariest parts of having trich for me is the fear of being caught without proper make up. I habitually carry around a light brow pencil, brow shadow, and eyeliner and I often have several of each that are kept in separate bags (workbag, handbag, etc) so I'm never lost without it. While I know that you cant fully replicate an eyebrow when you dont have actual hair, I've found the following tutorial to be pretty helpful and gets me fairly close. Hope it helps!

My love of pulling

I love pulling my hair. I dont know why, I love it. When I get that one hair that looks too dark, too thick, out of place, too short (or any number of excuses) I feel a sense of satisfaction. I love when the root of the hair is attached which is kind of like a double score.

But the love for pulling only lasts while I'm pulling. The second that reality kicks in, I hate it. I hate the disease, hate myself for pulling and hate the way I look without my eyebrows or eyelashes (or the thinning spots on my head). I hate how self conscious I feel being around others. I hate the way the manicurist looks puzzled every time she gets to my forefingers and sees the permanent indent and doesnt quite know what to make of it. I hate the way that I sneak to my husbands gym bag and borrow his tweezers when he goes to bed before me (despite me telling him to hide the tweezers I quickly noticed where they were). I hate that I dont admit to him that I know where to find the tweezers. I hate that I have wrinkles on my forehead from scrunching my face to make the hairs easier to pull. I hate that I'm terrified that I will have a child with trich who will suffer like I've suffered. I hate, I hate, I hate everything that this disease has done to me and continues to do to me but mostly I hate that I love pulling.

So despite my hatred for all things trich far outnumbering what I love about pulling I continue to be a puppet to this disease. Yesterday I went to a knitting store and got a private lesson to try and learn a new habit, one that others call "addictive" and that has the benefit of keeping my hands busy while making something useful. The woman asked me why I decided to start learning to knit now and I responded "i need to find a way to de-stress". I knew that this was a part of it but not the whole truth so I decided to offer it up after a fairly long pause ".... and I have trich". Yup, I did it. Admitted it to another stranger. Isn't that what people tell alcoholics? Admitting is the first step? So here I am again, confessing my dark secret to strangers but this time a stranger who actually knew what trich was. "That's a great reason and hopefully will help" she replied and then we moved on. No awkward looks or stares or explanations. And here we go again. I only hope that one day I find something that really helps (and for the near future I'm hoping that "something" is knitting! It's worth a shot!)

Stormy skies & a return to reality

I'm back. I'm so sorry for my incredibly delayed absence and thank everyone who has sent me messages and motivation over the last 7 months. A lot has happened, both good and bad, but I'll get to in a few minutes.

Trich Updates
First, I should begin this post by giving the update on my trich which is back in my life with a renewed vengence and has been for a few months. At the moment I have absolutely no eyebrows, my top lashes are spotty but not entirely gone, and my bottom lashes remain free of the wrath. For now. In addition, about 3-4 months ago I started pulling hairs from the top of my head which is something I had rarely ever done. I've always picked at my split ends but never my head hair. It started with looking for the very very short hairs that were at the crown of my head, then expanded to the hairs around where I part my hair. It actually started getting somewhat noticeable, at least to me, as the part of my hair became a bit wider than usual. I've since (mostly) stopped pulling from my head hair and I'm anxiously awaiting the return of those hairs.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
I usually like to get the bad news out of the way first so let's start there. In early September, about a month and a half before my wedding (and on the day of my very low key bachelorette party) I received a call that my grandmother had suffered a stroke and that we needed to say goodbye. My sister and I told her that we loved her and then tried to put on a happy face and went to meet friends for lunch. About 3 hours later, just before we were leaving for a Madonna concert and while on a boat ride around Manhattan, we learned that she had passed away. It's funny (not funny ha-ha but the other kind) but the sky became incredibly dark and stormy just as we learned the news. My grandmother and I were EXTREMELY close and I would talk to her about everything and anything. She was the spunkiest, wittiest person I've ever known, right up until the day that she passed away (and we buried her on 9/11 which just made for an even more emotional day).

We were very lucky to have her as long as we did since over the years there had been many times where we were told it was "the end". I had also seen her in January and had decided to take that opportunity to tell her everything I felt for her and how much I loved her. We had an incredibly wonderful yet tearful conversation about our love for each other and I will be forever grateful that I took that chance to talk to her (I was afraid it would be too morbid or upsetting but was also surprised that she didnt know just how much I loved her- she knew I loved her, just not how much).

Her loss left a very gaping hole in my family and obviously was very upsetting to my own mother. The time leading up to the wedding was very emotional for all of us. I know people say that weddings are very stressful but other than a speedbump or two (mostly about not having my cousin in my wedding party which had my mom not speaking to me for several weeks) it was drama free and became a much needed highlight in an otherwise dark time.

The wedding itself was perfect. My eyelashes, which had taken a bit of a hit following my grandmothers passing, were good enough that we did fake lashes with the existing ones, mascarared them up and no one could tell. It actually looked great. My eyebrows were thin but good enough and with a talented (and not criticial or mean!) make up artist I felt great. Pictures looked great and all my lifelong fears were gone. The wedding itself was very laid back and fun and it was so wonderful to have a day surrounded by all our friends and family. Both my now husband and I could not have asked for anything better (and I'll admit that I had quite a few drinks before the ceremony or I knew I would not get down the aisle thanks to my commitment phobia). Anyway, I can talk more about the wedding another time.

About two days after the wedding Hurricane Sandy hit (and ruined the reception hall where we had our wedding so we could not have been luckier). So many friends and family lost everything. Insignificantly, our honeymoon was pushed back about a week which was not the end of the world but on the day we arrived in Aruba I learned that my grandfather had also passed away. My grandparents had been married for 67 years and as sad as it was to lose them both I was glad to think that they were together again.

The next few months brought a lot of mixed emotions and trying to help my mom through a very depressing time for her. I also had several very large and stressful trials, trying to run the business while being on trial, looking for a new home (our least expires in 19 days and we are trying to buy an apartment in Queens but it's taking FOREVER and has been very sterssful), another 9/11 surgery for my dad, you name it. So I guess that brings me back to my apology for being absent. It's been tough and while that should have been even more incentive for me to keep up with my blog in the face of my raging trich, it just didnt happen.

Looking forward
So here I am again, continuing to deal with trich and all the issues that trich brings. I know that summer is just around the corner which makes trich even harder to cover up. My new plan is to try to learn to knit in the hopes that it gives me another outlet. I also am thinking about trying to learn to meditate which has always been a daunting and unrealistic idea since I'm normally just a giant ball of stress. I know I need to get back on track or else my self esteem will continue to suffer and diminish. So if you have tips, if in the 7 months I've been gone you happen to still be reading my blog and want to share anything that has worked for you, I would LOVE to hear about it. Time to switch things up again. But to start I will try and make more regular appearances here and hope that anyone reading this will bear with me as I struggle to battle this infuriating disease. Thanks for reading!

Accountability

The new group effort seems to be helping quite a bit. Both my mother and my sister have been texting me and grilling me regularly- particularly at night and in the morning when the urges are the hardest- and it does help. Admittedly I have slipped twice this week but both times was able to start. During last night's slip I pulled out two prickly little hairs and as I in the midst of a third I got a text from my sister telling me to stop and I did. At least things are looking up, especially since this tends to be the hardest phase when all the little hairs are just stubby and prickly and begging for me to pull them ......

Sometimes It Takes A Village

I am a terrible blogger. When I'm doing poorly with trich I just can't motivate myself to write. I get your emails and comments and I promise myself I will respond and then I make up an excuse and I don't. I'm sorry.

Things have been pretty awful and I"m not sure where to begin. I don't know why it's been so bad- it's not as though things are any more stressful than usual (and the wedding planning is going fine and really not very stressful). I just pulled everything. My eyelashes were a disaster and my eyebrows non-existent. I even started pulling out my head hair a bit which was new for me. Of course such dramatic pulling just left me feeling like crap and completely self conscious. Out came the safety pin while I nearly cut myself open (yes, there was a lot of blood) trying to get out an ingrown hair around my navel. It wasn't pretty. I didn't even need the tweezers and instead managed to pull out some hairs by using scissors, yes scissors, to close them almost all the way and then tug- a little more complicated but almost as effective as tweezers.

About a month ago I finally got the eyelashes back under control which is good because the last few years they have fared better then my eyebrows (despite pulling only my eyelashes for the first 10 years of my trich battle). Through it all I never pulled a single eyelash from my bottom eyelid which is a little weird to me. My eyebrows are another story- every time they started to regrow I would attack them with a vengeance, unable to abstain from pulling the prickly little hairs. I have had no willpower when it comes to trich and yet I've been able to lose almost 20 pounds since

Then came yesterday. I honestly don't even remember exactly how it came up but once again my sister is amazing. No real surprise but she is. We were talking on Gchat as we do throughout almost every day and somehow got on the topic of trich and the wedding, which is now about 70+ days away. We came up with a strategy- if I can go 6 weeks without pulling (the time it takes to regrow most of the hair so I've heard) then we will go out to a super nice dinner and I will pay. That may sound a little strange as incentive but the place we picked has incredibly unhealthy yet delicious items on the menu, like lobster mac and cheese, that we love and never eat. Since it's very pricey, and she wouldn't go otherwise, it keeps her motivated to stay on me since she wants her meal. haha.

Now the motivation part and here is where I tie in the title of this blog post. My biggest motivator is the belief that people will, and do, look at me strangely because of my penciled in hair (and I'm sure bald spots on my head wouldn't help but fortunately it hasnt gotten to that point, yet). The idea of also having wedding pictures for years with possibly awkward colored eyebrows also is in the back of my mind (which can happen although I somehow don't notice until I see the photo). She is going to grill me on it every day. She is also going to text me at night, when its the worst (around 10pm) and in the morning and tell me, not so nicely, to stop pulling. Despite her hesitation I have asked her to please be mean about it- to tell me that "it will look weird" or "everyone will notice" or "you dont want to look like an idiot"- stuff like that. It may sound harsh, and I'm sure is really not true although in my mind it is and that motivates me.

Then came the call for the rest of the village. Before I knew it she had texted my boyfriend (hate the word fiance so we are sticking with boyfriend or "matrimonial candidate") and told him that he needs to get on my case more. And my mother (her response "I can't be mean" which was kind of funny because she is always the most critical of anyone I know other than my grandmother. Well intentioned but critical). Then I texted my friend Danielle who is one of my biggest supporters and the friend I am most comfortable talking about it with, and she is going to also check a few times a week. I haven't decided how much further to take it but that's a solid start. Today my mom volunteered to kick in an extra bonus at the 3 week mark and offered to take me for a massage at her favorite spa.

To say I'm grateful to my sister would be an understatement. I know that I'm lucky to have family and friends that I can talk openly about my trich and seek support from when it gets bad. I have never employed this tactic before but I don't want to let my sister down and I know she will not let us go for dinner unless I succeed. Being accountable only to myself has not worked so I'm going to try this new approach.

When I turn 32 next month it will be 24 years that I have been struggling with trich. Seeing that number makes me so angry but 25 years, a full quarter century, is an anniversary I just refuse to have. Wish me luck! I hope that anyone reading this maybe reaches out to the people around them- it's amazing what support can do and how supportive people who love you can be, really.

Wishing you all the best,
K.

Countdowns and Daily Struggles

Every day I wake up and struggle with trich. I have not been doing well- I am back to no eyebrows and even did some damage on both my right and left eyelashes. It makes me anxious as I think about the 107 days I have left until the wedding. As I've mentioned before, I have read that you need 6 weeks for the hair to regrow. That's 42 days. I would imagine I need even a little more than that for them to really look good and full so let's assume 9 weeks or 63 days. I have 44 days left.

Well, not really. I have 44 days left to get my pulling in gear if I want to have hair for the wedding. As part of the photography package we purchased we are doing engagement photos (yet another thing I never thought I'd do but it's included so what the hell- i'll feel like an idiot for an hour). I would like to have eyebrows and eyelashes for those photos which will be taken on September 13. Assuming I need the same 9 weeks I need to stop by next Thursday. It's not looking good.

I dont know what is going on. I dont know why it's worse now than before. Yes, wedding planning is stressful (really only in the sense that I seem to be hurting people's feelings over things I dont think are big issues- like not inviting his cousin who apparently has a habit of responding that he will come with his wife and then going MIA- we also never see him and they arent close but he's upset not to be invited and I got cornered about it by his aunt at a BBQ last weekend. Yikes). Life is stressful but no more than usual. I just can't stop pulling. All I want to do is pull.

I feel embarrassed, ashamed, nervous, angry, insecure, you name it. I've lost my way and can't seem to get myself back on track. I am able to lie to myself and make excuses but at the end of the day I still look in the mirror and I'm not happy with what I see. Sometimes it feels like I just continue to give myself permission to pull and even though I dont want to do it, part of me, a big part of me, just likes to pull. And that part of me seems to take over and suppress every ounce of willpower I have. Is that just lazy? I'm not happy that I feel so overwhelmed with trich but I can't seem to hold myself accountable and summon the willpower to stop for even a full 24 hours. It really sucks and I need to find a way back to a better place if I'm going to have any hope of making this happen by October 26th. Ugh.

1 down, 139 to go

I have made it 24 hours. I consider it an accomplishment but know that the encounter with the make up artist is still fresh in my mind so it's easier right now. I also have those hideous pictures with the freakish color eyebrows still fresh in my mind. So while today might be easy, tomorrow will get harder. As will the day after that. And so on. But now I have 139 days to go so I'll just be happy to have 1 day down.

Well, you have no eyebrows

Yesterday I went to Sephora for some new make up as the reliable eyebrow-liner color I rely so heavily on is no longer being made. Damn Bobbi Brown! While I was there I figured I'd have my make up done since I had a wedding and a party to go to. It was a disaster.

First, I work with a girl. She removes all my eyebrow make up and then walks away for about 5 minutes. I am left sitting in the chair, eyebrowless with my biggest insecurity staring back at me in the massive mirror next to the chair. I swear I was sweating just waiting for customers to point and stare at me. Finally she comes back and after 3 times trying to paint in my eyebrows with some stencil, I look like a clown. Off the eyebrows go again.

After three massively unsuccessful attempts she calls over another make up artist. He looks at me dismissively and asks me what look I'm going for. I tell him I need a new color, and ask him to do my make up so that it looks as natural as possible. He then curtly responds "well you have no eyebrows so nothing will look natural". I could feel my stomach drop and my eyes well up. It was awful but I was so embarrassed and at this point I didn't know what to do and couldn't just walk out since i had no eyebrows. After one or two attempts he makes something that looks decent.

Then come the pictures. While thinking I looked okay, my fiance took a picture of me and a friend at the wedding and I wanted to cry. The eyebrows looked this freaky shade of brown and red. Of course he told me they looked good but I deleted all the pictures from my camera because they were so hard to look at. Unfortunately I can't delete the pictures from the professional photographer and how sad that I will never want to look at a picture of me and my friend at his wedding.

The shame and embarrassment I felt yesterday was awful. I'm not sure how I ended up back in that place but it feels like I never left. I have 140 days until my wedding. 140 days to get back my confidence, 140 days to I have to take pictures that I cant and won't want to erase. 140 days to grow my hair back. 140 days to give myself the only wedding gift I really want- my hair.

Heading back uphill

Things are looking up (FINALLY!) so I wanted to post this little motivational quote I came across last night. This week has definitely been more successful than last week and I think it's a result of being more conscious of what I'm doing. Being busy also helps since I dont pull as often when I'm busy and not working from home on the computer.

Now it gets tricky. Once again, as the hairs start to grow the urge to pull those stubby little hairs gets worse so I have to come up with a way to stay strong and not pull. I'm guessing I need to make it about 2 more weeks until they are past that 'short and prickly" phase. So that's my goal although really my goal continues just to be another 24 hours. At this point 2 weeks is just too long and lofty a goal so my 24 goal keeps things more manageable and hopefully more realistic. Fingers crossed!

Big Sunglasses

The battle continues. I have just finished pulling out a half of my left eye's upper eyelashes. Wtf?? Half remain- the half closest to my ear but the other half is all but gone. I dont know what is going on.
Yes, I'm feeling a bit stressed and overwhelmed lately but nothing so horrible and unusual that I shouldnt be able to cope.

The challenge is also not working for me. Today I was so glad that big sunglasses are so in because I was meeting a friend at Yankee Stadium and its very bright outside so my lack of eyebrows is clear for the world to see. I'm sure people can still tell but I pretend that the big sunglasses hide, or at least distract, from my insecurities.

I'm officially getting married in October (he proposed last week!) after talking about it for the last few months and my clients trial is set for next month so I have no choice but to get this under control. This HAS to stop. I'm so angry with myself right now. Maybe it isnt so much anger as disappointment. I also have my period and I tend to do worse when I'm hormonal but that's no excuse.

Just last night I was thinking how I needed to blog about how I was doing well. Now, admittedly, I was only doing well because my thumb nail on the right hand tore off and is not super short making pulling harder and i cut (yes cut) the skin off my left forefinger (where the indentation from years of pulling was) making pulling actually painful.
So, as a result, I havent been pulling much. But then today it was clearly better. Is this what it has come to? Should I start biting my nails down to stubs and cutting off my skin just so I can keep myself from pulling. There has to be a better way.

I have so much to be thankful for in my life right now and this is the one thing that brings me down. I want my life back. I'm staring at the little pile of eyelashes that I pulled and know that this has to end. No more waiting until Monday to get a "fresh start". I need this to end today. Now. Forever.

Live every week likes it's shark week

Well it's been a little more than two weeks. I was doing really well the first week and then this week just sucked. I'm basically starting over (yet again). This time I truly just feel lazy- there have been so many times that I know I could have prevented and I just left myself keep pulling and the destructive behavior and attitude won again. I have been overwhelmed by your comments and wish I could report to you that I'm doing great. But I can't. I have no good excuses, no traumatic events or crazy stressful events that i can point too. I even was aware that I was pulling but I just didn't try that hard to stop. I'm sorry, really I am and I hope that you are doing better. So now it is May 4th and I'm once again eyebrowless. Fortunately most of my eyelashes have remained in tact although the left eye isn't as full as the right eye. My boyfriend and I are still talking about getting married within the next few months (we decided not to get engaged until we could get married right away since we both want to elope) but I know I'll still want pictures and just can't fathom the idea of having a photographer take close up photos when I have penciled in eyebrows. As Liz Lemon says on 30 rock when she is frustrated "blurgh" (i'm on a 30 rock kick this week- it also explains the title of this post). Doesn't it always feel like trich takes away the moments that are supposed to be so happy by stirring up anxiety and self consciousness? That is almost worse than actually not having hair. Double blurg. I'm not giving up. Not ever. I may have to start over a million times but I wont give up. So for those of you that are following this blog and doing great- keep it up and please share your tips! And for those (like me) that are picking up and starting again, dont give up. Never give up. Let's start again right now and just try to make it through the weekend without pulling. Good luck and, as always, thank you thank you thank you for reading and supporting me and each other!

6 week challenge- PLEASE JOIN ME!!!

Tonight at 12 I am beginning a new challenge. I am going to try and go 6 straight weeks with no pulling. Why 6 weeks? Because I have heard that that is how long it goes from having no eyebrows to having eyebrows. My reward? It's a big one. I'm going to splurge on a laser eye surgery touch up. I did it about 8 years ago and it was amazing but now my eyesight is fading again. Glasses are actually not horrible because they distract from my lack of hair but I want to see the world clearly again.

My cousins wedding was great, she look beautiful, we had a wonderful time in California but I need to have a plan. Summer is coming, my boyfriend and I may be eloping in the not so distant future and frankly I want the eye surgery.

You've heard me say it now and so I am sticking to it. I have to start at midnight because technically I pulled at 3am this morning and my OCD always likes me to start a day fresh. I will not let myself get that surgery until this goal is accomplished. I did so well in CA, I wasnt pulling at all but then just thinking about my clients and work and stress and life I came home late last night and did some damage. Unreal.

So here I go. It's time. It's past time. I would love for someone, everyone, anyone to join with me on this- post comments, send me emails, let's keep each other motivated. It's just 6 weeks, right? We can do this. And once we have, we will find a new goal. May 29th is our date- let's do it!!!

Spring into action

It's official. After the most mild winter I can remember in New York it appears that spring is already here. Which means so many of my fears are also back- bright lights, sweaty make up, water, etc. I know I've mentioned it before but these things hold me back.

I have done okay this week. Nothing great and I'm certainly not pull free but I haven't gone pull crazy so I'll try and put it in the "win" column. I do, however, have less than 3 weeks until my vacation and about 4 until my cousin's wedding- the cousin that has trich but won't talk to me about it. She is getting married after being with her boyfriend for about 7 years and she has, as far as I am aware, been able to manage her trich and will be married with eyebrows, eyelashes and a full head of hair. I know a lot of us wish we could say the same.

I received a comment on a post yesterday and the reader was mentioning how afraid she is to tell friends and family about trich. I remember that feeling all too well. The one advise I can give (and i wrote a bit more about this in January 2010 if you want to look at more posts on this topic) is to tell people. I thought my friends would judge me and look at me like I was a freak with this unspeakable disease- they didnt. In fact, quite the opposite. They were supportive and wonderful and for the first time I didnt feel so alone. Admittedly I did have a good friend who didn't have quite the reaction I wanted or needed, but dont let that stop you. Your true friends and family might and probably will surprise you and likely have a secret of their own. We all have our shit. Even now, when i'm having a tough time with trich, it is a bit of a relief to have them know and while i'm not 100% confident when I am eyebrow-less around them, it is leaps and bounds more confident than I was when I was trying to hide it from them.

The funny things is that those people I want to speak to most about it, the family that has trich, just don't and won't talk to me. I still don't get it. All I want is to know how they learned to manage it- give me tips!! Are they afraid that if they talk about it it will come back? I want to try and understand where they are coming from but I just can't. And so I will go to my cousin's wedding and will be jealous that she has found a way to get all her hair back and to have wedding pictures with hair and I will continue to wonder how she did it. Because she won't tell me.

This is a very lonely disease. We feel as though we have no one to talk to, that we can't talk to those who love us for fear of what they will think and we often can't talk to those who even know about trich from their own experience because they wont talk to us. We avoid getting close to people and we carry the shame of what we do around with us like a ton of bricks that we have been sentenced to keep with us forever. We remain anonymous on blogs and support groups, refuse to go to meetings and retreats, because the idea of revealing ourselves is terrifying. What if someone one day makes the connection? What if someone reading my blog figures out who I am and that they know me, and then they tell someone else?

I sometimes see people without hair on the subway and am tempted to say something to them. Something simple like "hey, you too?" but maybe they have cancer or another disease and then I'll just be left feeling bad and alone again. Maybe they will be mortified that I know their secret and I will ruin their day. So I never say anything but I wonder. I look at how they do their make up and try to think if I would have seen their lack of hair if I was not so obsessed with hair and trich myself.

And so like every other post, I leave this one with a goal in mind and with the best of intentions. I'm hoping that I can show up at her wedding with at least partial eyebrows and with my eyelashes fairly in tact. Even if I stopped pulling today it would take weeks for them to come back in completely but something is better than nothing (and nothing is what I have now). I've heard that hair grows faster in warmer weather so my fingers (and toes) are crossed that this spring/summer I wont continue to hold myself back!

I just can't quit you

For as long as I can remember I have had a fear of commitment. It's not that I've been afraid to date or that I haven't had boyfriends, but I get nervous when things get serious and the idea of being with someone forever has always been a scary notion to me. I have a tendency in life not to be able to commit to anything- an exercise program (I love Pilates but still go irregularly), a diet (most only last a few weeks), a new daily routine (getting up early never lasts), the list goes on.

Sure, I have had the same friends for over twenty years and I am very close with my family but most other "relationships" don't last that long. Except trich. Trich and I have been together now since 1988. Yup, that's 24 years. It's' insane. I hate trich but, as they said in Brokeback Mountain "I just cant quit you." I hate trich, hate everything about this stupid disease but I stick with it more than I stick with anything else.

Most of my friends, not all, now know about my trich. This past weekend I hung out with one of my most supportive and longtime friends, Danielle, but she didn't even ask about how I was doing probably because she could tell just be looking at my lack of eyebrows. I know that my friends often have trouble bringing it up with me since its a bit uncomfortable for us both. But trich has been with me for so long it's almost like a silent (but sadly not invisible) partner. When I'm nervous, I turn to pulling. When I'm relaxed, I turn to pulling. In almost all situations, it's the partner I can always count on to be there. Yet, I hate it. I want a divorce. I want to be widowed of trich. But it just wont leave me any more than I can leave it.

This weekend wasn't the success I hoped it would be. I have a million things to do this week but I'm going to make this a priority. I don't want to celebrate my 25th anniversary with trich. Thank you again for the support, for reading my blog, for posting comments and sending me emails. You are going to help me beat this. The idea of a lifetime with trich is just unfathomable.

A Long Hiatus

Thank you for the posts, comments and emails I have received over the last couple months- they really have helped and I'll admit it's encouraging to know I have supporters as sometimes I question myself whether or not anyone even reads my blog.

It's not been an easy few months for my battle with trich. As I sit here typing this post, the first since November (yikes! has it been that long??) I have no eyebrows. None. There is nothing I can point to and define as the source of my pulling which has frustrated and discouraged me more than I can even admit to sometimes. I just cant understand it and my self-esteem and confidence is once again pretty low as I'm afraid to get too close to people since I don't want them to see my penciled in eyebrows.

My eyelashes somehow have been okay. Not great, but okay. I have pulled here and there but I'm happy to say that the bottom lashes have not been touched and the top ones are significant enough that I can wear mascara and don't really need to use much make up. On a random note, I'm typing this while working form home with the TV on and in the background (no joke, as I'm writing this) the View is doing a segment about how "eyelashes make all the difference on a persons face" and talking about how noticeable lashes are on a person. Ugh. Now they are encouraging and singing the praises about Latisse and Revitolash Advance as a way to regrow and thicken your lashes. Apparently they aren't taking into account that some of us pull our lashes (but I guess that would be a different segment).

So once again I'm analyzing my behavior, my diet, my stress levels and everything else that could be a factor in my downfall but at the same time I'm trying to come to terms with the fact I may never beat this awful disease. That's probably why I haven't posted on here in so long- I'm in a bit of a Debbie Downer phase. The summer (and bright lights, and water, and sweating) is just around the corner and I'm eyebrowless. My boyfriend and I are talking about eloping and I cant stop thinking about how I always figured by the time I'd get married, and when taking all those "pictures that last a lifetime" I would have my lashes. And truthfully I just don't know if it will happen.

I don't really know what to do to get myself out of this funk and back on a positive track. I say that and then I don't write on my blog, don't check into the online forums, don't go to support groups. So many excuses and I just let those excuses take over. I have been changing my diet (thank you weight watchers) and starting to exercise (spinning and pilates are my latest) so maybe that will have a positive influence. Anyway, that's my update for now. Again, I want to thank you for the support as it really has made, and continues to make, a big difference and it helps me get motivated even though it's hard to tell from today's post. Today is as good of a day as any to make a change for the better. It's a great day to get better.

21 day goal

In the past week my eyelashes have certainly received a break and I haven't picked one but my left eyebrow still doesn't exist and the right one is about the same as it's been for a while- too thin and short with very little hair. The little stubby hairs that come in, and they come in surprisingly fast, make me so anxious and I can not leave them alone and touch them incessantly. Now that I don't have the tweezers, my beloved and hated tweezers, I have resorted back to hands and even, shamefully, scissors at one point. Yes, scissors, just so I can relieve myself of the anxiety and get the damn stubby hairs out.

I have 21 days until Jamaica. 21 days to get myself together and stop this nonsense so that I can swim and be in the sun without worrying that my eyebrows are disappearing and/or extremely and noticeably absent. The pilates has been helping but work is so stressful right now that I allow myself the bullshit excuses. So I will just continue to try and fight my way through the next 21 days.

New Month, New Resolve (or so I hope), New Picture

Making it 24 hours has been harder then I thought and the last few days have been far from successful. There is something about the start of a new month (which ends in a trip to Jamaica) that I hope holds some promise.

The tweezer is now gone (about damn time) and i have picked at the skin on my pointer finger, the one with the permanent indentation, that I generally use to pull so now that is harder and painful (whatever works). I dont think the stress has been helping and lately I find that I'm also grinding my teeth and have been more tired than usual. I'm trying to address those issues which I know impact my pulling. Exercise has been almost impossible because my back has been bad but last week I tried pilates and it was WONDERFUL. It's sadly too expensive to do all the time but, as life might have it, yesterday we picked up a decent case so I'm just taking a few hundred dollars and buying a pilates package- it is more than I would normally spend but if it helps me feel better and in turn stop pulling then it's worth it. I need to address the stress in my life if I'm going to ever start making progress again with trich.

So my next trial class is today at 4:00 and then I am just going to take the money and pick one of the two pilates places I've tried- money be damned right now. If I have to give up on going out one night a week so I can do pilates twice a week for the next few weeks then the trade off is worth it. At least it is a start. That plus throwing out the tweezers I hope will help me start heading in the right direction..... and now to put aside the shame and show you my no-make up photo of the week (very scary- i have NEVER shown anyone before!)