For as long as I can remember I have had a fear of commitment. It's not that I've been afraid to date or that I haven't had boyfriends, but I get nervous when things get serious and the idea of being with someone forever has always been a scary notion to me. I have a tendency in life not to be able to commit to anything- an exercise program (I love Pilates but still go irregularly), a diet (most only last a few weeks), a new daily routine (getting up early never lasts), the list goes on.
Sure, I have had the same friends for over twenty years and I am very close with my family but most other "relationships" don't last that long. Except trich. Trich and I have been together now since 1988. Yup, that's 24 years. It's' insane. I hate trich but, as they said in Brokeback Mountain "I just cant quit you." I hate trich, hate everything about this stupid disease but I stick with it more than I stick with anything else.
Most of my friends, not all, now know about my trich. This past weekend I hung out with one of my most supportive and longtime friends, Danielle, but she didn't even ask about how I was doing probably because she could tell just be looking at my lack of eyebrows. I know that my friends often have trouble bringing it up with me since its a bit uncomfortable for us both. But trich has been with me for so long it's almost like a silent (but sadly not invisible) partner. When I'm nervous, I turn to pulling. When I'm relaxed, I turn to pulling. In almost all situations, it's the partner I can always count on to be there. Yet, I hate it. I want a divorce. I want to be widowed of trich. But it just wont leave me any more than I can leave it.
This weekend wasn't the success I hoped it would be. I have a million things to do this week but I'm going to make this a priority. I don't want to celebrate my 25th anniversary with trich. Thank you again for the support, for reading my blog, for posting comments and sending me emails. You are going to help me beat this. The idea of a lifetime with trich is just unfathomable.
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Hi, I just found your blog and I cried reading one of your posts. I've been dealing with trich for so long now that I can't remember not doing it. I connect so much with your fear of commitment and incredible desire to quit. I am terrified to tell anyone close to me about my problem. I have tried to pretend that it doesn't exist but I am realizing how much it affects my day to day life. I can't stop but like you said the idea of a lifetime with trich is unfathomable. I need to do something about it. How did you go about telling people? I am afraid that no one can help me...
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Thanks for your comment- it means a lot. I wrote a bit about telling friends and family back in January 2010. I have to say that telling my friends and family was the best thing I've ever done. The first few are very, very hard but its so liberating to know that friends and family, if they truly care, really dont judge you. They also start telling you things that they have been hiding and never comfortable to admit and you realize that you are not a freak and that everyone has something. I felt a lot less ashamed to have my secret out in the open and to know that I wasnt getting the horrified reactions I was so afraid of but ended up with a lot of love, support and a huge weight off my shoulders. Pick one friend and one family member and tell them- the results will probably surprise you! Good luck!!
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