A lifetime of excuses

Yesterday I wrote about opening up to those close to me and the positive reactions Ive been fortunate enough to receive, however, I know that this isn't always the case. It also got me thinking about the times when someone has noticed my missing eyelashes and eyebrows and how I've dealt with those situations- with BS excuses.

The first time I remember being called out on my trich was in the 3rd grade. I even remember the outfit I was wearing. I don't know what was going on in the 3rd grade, perhaps my transition to a new school where I didn't know many people, but this is pretty much around the time my trich began and things are pretty clear. Anyway, I was sitting at my desk next to Chad, a kid who ended up on my swim team (another awesome situation to have to deal with trich), and we were talking about the multiplication test when he looked at me and said "where are your eyelashes?" Oddly enough, the only thing I don't remember is what I said in response.

A kid in college, D, also knew (i referred to this yesterday) and he was the worst out of everyone. He was an awkward guy to begin with and didnt seem to have any sense of personal boundaries. I dont remember at what point he noticed, but he would NEVER let it go. He would come up to me in parties and ask me why I had no eyelashes. It was awful. I would feel sick to my stomach, I would begin to sweat and grow anxious, terrified someone would overhear or that he would tell someone.

At first I made up a lame excuse about how I was having a reaction to medication I was on and then I would just try and ignore him. I avoided him at all costs and I don't know if he ever knew why. I ran into him a few years after college, at a party I was throwing in the city with a friend, and he showed up. First thing he did was come up to me, look me in the face and comment that my eyelashes were still missing. To this day part of me hates him- justified or not.

I've used the medication excuse more than once over the last 21 years- I think that may be my favorite excuse although the older I've gotten the more I've realized it doesn't make sense. Why would I be allergic to medicine and the only hair loss just happens to be my eyelashes and eyebrows- nothing else. Somehow I convinced myself that others would buy this and to a certain extent I think maybe they did.

The last time someone called me out unexpectedly was about 5 years ago. I was living in DC and was going rock climbing with my then roommate. I was driving, without sunglasses (damn bright lights giving things away) and she was talking to me when she just stopped and asked why I had no eyelashes. I again used the medication excuse, declaring that they should be back in soon (hoping my current attempt to beat trich would be successful- obviously it wasn't). She didn't press the issue, just commented that she'd never noticed in the year or so we'd been living together.

Those are just a few examples but I feel as though I've come up with some other random excuses over the years. The worst part is when it catches you off guard and that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that immediately arises when you try and think of what excuse will sound the more plausible.

Writing this blog each day has really reminded me of all the awful and uncomfortable situations trich has caused me. Little memories have come up and I just have to keep reminding myself of them when the urges are at their worst (like last night- ugh, last night sucked but I managed to hang in there). I want to be done with the excuses, the lies, the covering it up- I want to be done with all the crap that trich brought along with it for the last 21 years. This time I'm not giving up.

Reason #27- that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that arises when someone unexpectedly notices or comments about my missing hair.