Thank you

I just want to start by saying thank you for the support- it's really nice to know that others can understand what I'm going through (although it sucks that others have had experiences similar to my experience with tactless jerk guy(. Until recently I didn't realize just how much of an impact trich has had on almost my entire life and I really don't think a person can understand that impact unless they have this disease.

The other day I was telling my friend about trich for the first time. He was one of the first people I met in college and, although we dated on and off for about 7 years (which officially ended about 2 years ago) we now have a really great friendship. We have a pretty solid understanding of each other in many, many ways, but I felt that, albeit unintentionally, he almost trivialized what it's like to have this disease. Trivialized may not be the right word, but he made it seem like "no big deal"- dont get me wrong, I know he was trying to be supportive but he's wrong, it is a big deal.

He called it a quirk, which yes, in some ways it is, but it's also so much more than that. There are hours spent worrying about what others think, and planning how to cover up the missing hair depending on what situation you may encounter on a given day. There is endless shame and anxiety, years of frustration and sadness. It's not just something I do, its a huge part of who I am and what my life has been, and as much as I've confronted it, it'll always be a big part of my future. I guess that's why when someone makes an insensitive remark, like the tactless jerk I mentioned on Wednesday, it is so hard to forgive or even try to forget.

Again, I'm sorry that most people reading this know what it's like all too well- I wouldn't wish trich on anyone- but I'm grateful that there are people out there that can understand and I'm grateful for all the support I've received.

On a side note- I've been up every day this week at 6am and have been exercising for the first time in a long time. The other day I bought a Wii active game which includes a 30 day challenge and i must admit that it is kicking my butt into shape. By the end of the day, I'm too tired to pull and just want to go to bed. For now, I'll take the small vacation from having urges:)

Forgiveness.

A few minutes ago I got a instant message from my friend M (the one who I had told about my trich a few weeks ago over dinner). Apparently she had just been talking to this guy we went to college with, I think I previously referred to him as D, and they were talking about my trich. Random timing.

D was the guy in college who had literally no tact. He wasn't a bad guy, he just didn't have any boundaries and didn't know when to keep his mouth shut. D and I sat next to each other in class one semester and he noticed I didn't have any eyelashes. He becane like a moth to a flame. He wouldn't stop staring and making comments about it. My biggest insecurity seemed to be his favorite topic. I told him it was because of medication I was on but I don't think he bought it. I avoided him as much as possible.

Flash forward to after college and my friend and I were throwing a big party in NYC (i was living in DC at the time). I was standing with some friends and he literally walked up, in a crowded bar, stood right next to me, and commented that my eyelashes were still missing. Needless to say that put a big damper on my night.

To this day I have disliked him. I know we all make mistakes and say stupid shit, but i have not been able to get over it. We don't see each other but we do have some friends in common. One of them being my friend M, who apparently he contacted today, saying that he knows M and I are friends, that he has always felt bad, that he thought I had eyelashes at the party and was going to comment on how great it was and that when he got close to me and realized I didn't have them, he just blurted it out. He told M he has felt disgusted and horrible ever since and that its one of his biggest regrets.

Here is where I'm kind of a jerk. I told M that I know people screw up and I'd be a hypocrite not to forgive him but I also told her I didn't want him to contact me. Not now. Probably not ever. Yes, we are Facebook friends (which is kind of stupid) but I think I've pretty much blocked him from contacting me even on FB. Right now I cant deal with it and even with hearing M tell me what he was saying, I couldn't stop from getting upset, literally with tears in my eyes- that's how insecure I felt and still feel about the situation.

Oh, and apparently, in trying to figure out if he should apologize (this was a few years ago), he told 3 of my other friends- only one who actually knew about my trich. So not only did he make me feel insecure, but he told other people- including one guy that i had been seeing on and off for a while. Great. Now I know they know. Yes, I'm telling people but I get to control who knows and who doesn't. I'm not going to lie - it makes me feel like shit.

I know I should forgive him and, to a certain extent, I do. But right now this is just one more stressful thing I cant deal with. My trial starts tomorrow (and my client is having meltdowns left and right which include screaming at me- he's not a nice guy) so I want to leave it for another day.

I will be the first to admit that I can hold a grudge like nobody's business. I don't necessarily like this quality about myself but I haven't truly mastered the art of forgiving and letting go (basically I can put up with a LOT but there is a line and once is crossed, I'm just done). I wish I could because I know I've done my share of mean and stupid things in life and I would hope people would forgive me. People change- I know I have- and I should give them the same courtesy I'd want them to give me. I just wish I knew how.........

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly

As great as Friday morning was, Friday night was a different story. I've been busy prepping for this big trial I have starting this week and stayed in to get some work done. About 9pm I received multiple emails from my boss, who tends to have BS revelations every so often on how best to "manage" the firm. He basically comes up with plans for meetings that are nothing but a huge waste of time and then he turns around and gets annoyed with us for not billing enough hours every month when we all know he has a tendency to grossly exaggerate his own time (never mind the fact that he really doesn't know how to handle a case on his own). This is one small example.

Anyway, after getting the latest emails about issues with my time from last month (i have been so busy i havent had time to update yet) and wanting early morning meetings (which would result in another huge waste of time for the meeting and now we cant go straight to court and have to waste more time traveling to/from the office and then to/from court)my anxiety level went through the roof. Before I knew what I was doing, I had pulled 4 eyelashes. I was so angry and annoyed with him, and so sick of all his clueless nonsense (and the fact he had to email all of us at 9pm on a Friday with that crap) that I went straight back to my old bad way of dealing with stress.

I know stress is going to happen and I definitely didnt handle it well. I can say I was tired and wasnt on guard but that cant be an excuse. I slipped and I have to accept my part in it but it made me really think about my current situation. My job is chaotic, there is no way around it, and for the most part I can deal with the client chaos. I just have had enough of my boss and his empty promises. I've stuck around for almost 3 years (and have been here longer than anyone else) while he has promised me my salary would improve when things got better. Really, it hasnt. All of the things I liked about the firm when I started here are gone. It's a different place and I have really been feeling devalued based upon the time and energy I have put into this place and what I'm getting out of it.

Soooo, it's time to move on. The economy sucks and obviously now isnt the best time to be job searching or starting a business but if I really want my life to improve, I've got to take some changes. The title of this post, a quote from Robert Kennedy, is very appropriate. My boss is never going to change and the stress he causes me will never go away- it's time I came to terms with that. Every time I think things are getting better, he comes up with some new idea that everyone, not just me, gets frustrated with. I wont let him be the reason I fail over trich. I can handle stress, usually quite well, but there must be a purpose to it, a goal for myself, not just putting money in his pocket.

On Saturday night, after going out for my friends birthday and talking with some great people who have made big career changes lately, I had a dream that I started up my own firm. I woke up so relieved until I realized it wasnt true. That's when I knew it was just time. Starting my own firm is so risky but I believe I can do it and there is never going to be a "perfect" time to take this chance.

Today I started my 6 month plan. I got up at 6am, went for a run, got to work early, and will spend at least 1 hour today working on a plan to get my own business up and going. I've read that if you spend an hour a day working towards a goal every day for 6 months, the odds are you can make it happen. In just under 6 months, on a Monday in September, I will turn 30. And that's the day I will quit my job.

I dont expect this to be an easy process, and I am sure that with the stress of this new adventure I will have plenty of urges, I just hope that the stress is good stress, the kind that will change my life and keep me on the right path. As I've mentioned, my struggle with trich has been a lifestyle change- a great one- and I need to continue that journey. I'm daring to achieve greatly and, although I'm admittedly terrified, I'm hopeful it can all work out.

Good morning

Last night I hung out with this guy I've been friends with since college. I'd always had a small crush on him but had dated one of his fraternity brothers for several years so I figured it was a closed door. Also, after college we usually live extremely far away from each other so it seemed like would never be anything more than a college crush (we did hang out once or twice over the years, the last time about 5 years ago when I was in California).

He moved back to NYC in August to go to grad school and we reconnected (thank you Facebook). We hung out a few times in December although I was dating the jerk/adulterer Italian guy and, at the time, was pretty happy in that relationship so nothing ever progressed. It just so happened that immediately after things with the Italian fell apart, this other guy asked me to hang out(and yes, I really do refer to the jerk as "the Italian"- its not the most creative nickname my friends and I have come up with but he was literally from Italy so it just became his nickname -although now that's the nicest name I have for him).

College guy couldnt be more different from the Italian (although he is also Italian but not "off the boat") and he was slow to make a move. It always stayed pretty casual and, to be honest, we had both been so busy the last few weeks we barely spoke. Anyway, this week he called and wanted to get together.

Last night we went out for drinks, played some beirut (or beer pong depending on where you live and went to school) and then went back to my apartment to watch a movie. By the time the movie was over, and admittedly we did some PG-13 hooking up, he was pretty tired and somehow hinted at staying. In the past he'd asked me to stay at his place but I always left- figuring it was a good way to keep it casual and because I have always been so freaked out at the idea of waking up at a guys place and exposing my "secret". I think he must have sensed my hesitation because he flat out asked me if I was kicking him out and then I felt guilty so I said of course he could stay (i mean, we have been friends for 10 years and its not like I was worried about something happening between us).

This morning was fabulous. For the first time I didnt wake up in the middle of the night to fix my make up, nor did I spend most of the night sleepless, worrying that I had to get up before him to make sure my eyeliner was intact. I didnt worry that my pseudo-eyebrows would rub off in the night on my pillow. I slept well and in the morning the only thing I was worried about was whether or not I had morning breath, something quite a bit more common than missing eyebrows and eyelashes. Although he was slow to make a move originally, and I was worrying he was even less affectionate than I am, he was very cuddly this morning and it was nice to just be able to enjoy the attention, to just relax and not feel completely self conscious.

I wish I could say that all of these positive things have kept me from having urges but it is still difficult. Most of the time its still a conscious effort to keep myself from pulling and the urges, while they are certainly less frequent, are still there and can still be incredibly strong. I just keep hoping that the more I keep having positive experiences, and basically enjoying this new 'lifestyle', the easier it will be to manage my trich. For now, I'm just happy that I'm getting to have these experiences and positive interactions since there were many, many years I never thought it was possible. :)

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful, pull-free weekend!

Have you always had eyelashes?

When I was in Florida a few weeks ago I had a chance to see a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in years. He and I are very close but life had taken us in different (physical) directions so getting together had been tough since we graduated from college. He has been living in Florida for a while and we finally made plans to hang out the night I was in West Palm Beach.

Just to give a little background, he and I became friends in college and he had a reputation for being a bit of a flirt- in fact, I think he hooked up with quite a few girls in my sorority (yes, i was in a sorority- not my proudest moments). Anyway, at some point we began an on-again off-again relationship where we were basically friends with benefits. We would go through periods where we would just be friends and then we'd both be bored and hook up again- at one point I was even dating his roommate (dont ask). Junior year we hung out, with another two friends, literally every night and would smoke, drink, watch movies, listen to music and just do typical college stuff.

Needless to say we had an unusual relationship but I can truly say that he is, and probably always will be, one of my favorite friends. We can pick up just where we left off, we motivate each other to want to be better and we talk about almost everything. No matter where life takes us, he will have a special place in my heart.

I give you the background primarily so that you can understand how much time we spent together. When we were in Florida a few weeks ago, after a number of drinks, he turned to me and said "Kimmie, I need to ask you something. I feel like I'm going crazy but I have to ask" (1. very few people are allowed to call me kimmie, and 2.obviously this got my attention). He then followed with "have you always had eyelashes?"

I was caught a little off guard but was so happy he noticed and that he asked. He said he felt horrible and uncomfortable asking me but I assured him it was okay, that I felt good talking about it. He said that he had noticed when they were missing, particularly considering our "relationship" and the time we spent together, but he never thought much about it. In fact, he said he equated it to him having flat feet- some people just have different features and I just happened to not have eyelashes (remember, this is after quite a lot of drinking).

Next he told me that when he was younger he used to pull his eyebrows. It didn't continue into adulthood but once again, I was left feeling surprised at how many people have a form of trich or something similar. Not only did this make me motivated to keep up the progress I've made with trich but it made me a little sad for all the years I spent feeling like a freak, like someone that people looked at and judged me based on the fact I didnt have eyelashes. There will always be some jerk who does treat you like a freak, but if I've learned anything the last few months, it's really that people are much more understanding and less judgmental then we give them credit for. Once we stop judging and stop assuming how people will react, we can feel better about ourselves and have healthier relationships. Now I just wish I'd told him years ago.

The Sweetest Revenge

I live in a city of over 8 million people. One would think that with that many people you wouldn't have many chance encounters. Sure, I see friends in my neighborhood and places that I know are local hang outs. And yes, once in a while I will just randomly run into someone somewhere unexpected but that should be the exception, not the rule.

There is one person in this city I never wanted to see again. One person. Out of 8 million. Its now official that the phrase "what are the odds?" just doesnt apply to me (seriously, people have been saying that to me a lot over the years and the only time it hasnt come true is the lotto- go figure).

Anyway, on Friday I was leaving the courthouse kind of late- much later than I usually do- since I stayed to speak to my client and her family after the scheduled status conference. We were walking to the subway and I was listening to my client and her family discuss how they were getting home. I had my head down and was honestly paying more attention to making sure I didnt trip in my heels than with listening to my clients. Then I looked up.

Coming out of the subway was the only ex-boyfriend I have lost complete contact with. Remember the Italian guy from a few months ago? The one who turned out to be a total liar who was married? The one who was supposed to be in Italy taking care of his seriously ill mother? Oh yes, thats the one. And he was stariing at me. While my stomach turned itself in knots and lodged itself right in my throat I managed to keep my cool. Fortunately I was with my clients so he didnt approach me and I certainly didnt approach him- when I found out he was married I told him I never wanted to see him again and I wasnt kidding. I NEVER wanted to see him again. He was the first guy in years I've really liked and I was just feeling like the whole thing was behind me.

And then there he was. Yes, it sucked. Yes, it brought it all back up. And yes, normally I would have gone home and probably given into the urges that would inevitable rear their ugly heads while I got rid of my nervous energy. But I DIDNT PULL A SINGLE HAIR. Nope, I made it. The best part of the entire awful encounter was that I looked and felt good while he looked tired and crappy. I even had on a cute outfit (thank god i decided to suffer in heels-which I rarely do-and I had a great dress on!)

Having my hair back is just part of the equation. Fighting trich has caused me to find strength in myself I didnt even know I had. Being open and honest has given me courage rather than the shame and embarrassment I've felt for years. I felt good, really good, and in a situation like that, isnt that all you can hope for? to walk away feeling good about yourself ?(even if you still hate the situation and feel sadness over the loss of the person from your life?). Friday night I didnt want to pull because not only do I not want to lose my hair again, I dont want to lose that confidence and strength in myself- he will NOT take that away from me :)

Quarterly Review (Part 2)

Before I continue sharing some of the tips that I've found helpful, I want to emphasize that I often have to try multiple things when an urge to pull arises. Get creative. If one distraction doesnt work, find another. If you cant stop thinking about pulling, leave your house, call a friend, start cooking, just DO SOMETHING ELSE. I know all too well how urges can last for hours and consume my thoughts so just implement every tip you've ever heard until something works or the urge subsides.


Daydream: This may sound silly but lately I've found this to help. Sometimes I will rub my fingers across my eyelashes or eyebrows and become incredibly aware of one particular hair that seems too thick, out of place, etc. I will focus all my energy on that hair and become consumed with thinking about it, it almost feels as though it is begging me to be pulled (rationally I know that as soon as I pull this one hair, there will be another one just like it somewhere else and the slippery slope will continue).

Think of something else. I'll start trying to imagine what I would do if I were to win the lottery- who I would give money to, what I would buy, charities I would donate to. I'll imagine what it would be like to be a particular character in a movie or TV show. I'll start picturing myself with a new job or opening up my own firm and try to think about how my life would be different and how I could go about actually making it happen. It can be anything- as you see, my list is kind of cheesy but it has to be a pretty imaginative scenario because you need to think it through in order to refocus your thoughts about pulling. I've found that it can take a little while but this can sometimes help because I can get so caught up in the 'daydream' that by the time I'm done imagining some crazy scenario the urge has subsided.


Think of why you want to stop: This is obviously much easier said than done. Anyone with trich knows that all we want to do is stop pulling and we are all too aware of how much it can suck and how much shame trich can bring. We all have lots of reasons we want to stop, but how often do we really put it down on paper?

One of the things I've done with this blog is try and post, after most entries, another reason that I want to stop. At one point I compiled the list and when i'm having a tough trich day, I'll look it over and see how much control trich has taken over in my life. When I am forced to see, not just think, about all the negative trich has caused me, it can remind me not to give up. Seeing, on paper (or online), reason after reason to stop just makes me angry at trich and makes me want to fight this disease that much more- to find a way to stop that can maybe help me and others.


Never, never, never give up & always forgive yourself: Also easier said than done. Some days are a lot easier than others but trich is never giving up on beating you so why should I give up on beating trich? One of us is going to win this battle and its not going to be trich. It's kind of like a boxing match- you can win a round, trich can win a round, but someone has to win the fight.

Although I've had this disease for over twenty years I think I've really just come to terms with it in the last few months. I've accepted that trich is like many other illnesses or addictions- we didnt choose to get it but we can choose to fight it. And some days we will lose.

I used to be so angry with myself when I would slip, I'd think of all the progress I had ruined in minutes (if not seconds). I'd get sidetracked with my mission to beat trich and would just feel hopeless and powerless. I've changed how I think about this. Now, if I slip, I forgive myself. I know that I am not going to change 20+ years of behavior overnight, but I can control how I react to a slip. I can give up or I can forgive myself, pick back up and forge ahead. Just because I pulled one doesnt me I have to pull them all. I consider it progress that now, if I do have a slip (which is obviously not ideal) I am able to stop after just one. Thats an accomplishment. Four months ago that would have been unheard of. Four months ago I would have given up. I've never done this well and I should be so proud of myself for the progress I have made.

This isnt meant to rationalize the slips but if I do slip I try and learn what I did wrong so I dont do that again. What's the lesson in the slip? What was I not paying attention to? what didnt I try in that situation that could have helped me stop? Rather than being angry at myself for slipping, I'm angry at trich for creeping back in- I'm going to kick trich's ass in the next round.

Bring on the exhaustion: My last tip is kind of a continuation of yesterdays suggestion to change your routine. I recently read an article with suggestions for becoming more effective and productive in life. One of the suggestions was to get up early- that people who wake up really early tend to have a more productive day and have less stress in life.

This has not been easy for me in practice because I am not a morning person but it is actually a really good tip. Every 2-3 days I'll set my alarm for 15 minutes earlier than it was and my goal is to get up around 5am every day (usually I go to bed around 1 am since I dont even get home from work until circa 8:00 and everyone needs time to hang out at night). I have to admit that this extra time in the morning, to hang out, have a cup of coffee, make a sandwich for lunch, play with my cat, whatever it is really sets the tone for the whole day. I'm going to throw yoga into the mix eventually but even without the yoga I'm generally feeling less stressed.

This has two benefits. (1) I've read countless studies which say that the more stressed we are, the more difficult it can be to overcome the urge to pull, and (2) I typically pull at night after I've relaxed for a little while and my guard is down. Getting up earlier makes me want to go to bed earlier and so I'm eliminating a lot of that "guard down" time.

I think there is a difference between relaxation time and "guard down" time. Guard down time kind of refers to that time of night when you are more likely to be a little daring- perhaps call an ex or a guy that you dont normally have the courage to call, to write an email to your boss rather than "sleeping on it" and waking up to reread in the morning only to realize you definitely should not be sending the email. Hopefully that makes sense. I can relax, watch TV, but there comes a point where I'm just not as aware of my actions. By waking up earlier, I still give myself time to unwind at night but not time to hang out with my guard down against trich.


Anyway, those are the best tips I can share and I hope that they are helpful. Good luck and thank you for not just reading but for all your support- it's helped me more than you can ever know and I hope that we can all beat this together!