Forgiveness.

A few minutes ago I got a instant message from my friend M (the one who I had told about my trich a few weeks ago over dinner). Apparently she had just been talking to this guy we went to college with, I think I previously referred to him as D, and they were talking about my trich. Random timing.

D was the guy in college who had literally no tact. He wasn't a bad guy, he just didn't have any boundaries and didn't know when to keep his mouth shut. D and I sat next to each other in class one semester and he noticed I didn't have any eyelashes. He becane like a moth to a flame. He wouldn't stop staring and making comments about it. My biggest insecurity seemed to be his favorite topic. I told him it was because of medication I was on but I don't think he bought it. I avoided him as much as possible.

Flash forward to after college and my friend and I were throwing a big party in NYC (i was living in DC at the time). I was standing with some friends and he literally walked up, in a crowded bar, stood right next to me, and commented that my eyelashes were still missing. Needless to say that put a big damper on my night.

To this day I have disliked him. I know we all make mistakes and say stupid shit, but i have not been able to get over it. We don't see each other but we do have some friends in common. One of them being my friend M, who apparently he contacted today, saying that he knows M and I are friends, that he has always felt bad, that he thought I had eyelashes at the party and was going to comment on how great it was and that when he got close to me and realized I didn't have them, he just blurted it out. He told M he has felt disgusted and horrible ever since and that its one of his biggest regrets.

Here is where I'm kind of a jerk. I told M that I know people screw up and I'd be a hypocrite not to forgive him but I also told her I didn't want him to contact me. Not now. Probably not ever. Yes, we are Facebook friends (which is kind of stupid) but I think I've pretty much blocked him from contacting me even on FB. Right now I cant deal with it and even with hearing M tell me what he was saying, I couldn't stop from getting upset, literally with tears in my eyes- that's how insecure I felt and still feel about the situation.

Oh, and apparently, in trying to figure out if he should apologize (this was a few years ago), he told 3 of my other friends- only one who actually knew about my trich. So not only did he make me feel insecure, but he told other people- including one guy that i had been seeing on and off for a while. Great. Now I know they know. Yes, I'm telling people but I get to control who knows and who doesn't. I'm not going to lie - it makes me feel like shit.

I know I should forgive him and, to a certain extent, I do. But right now this is just one more stressful thing I cant deal with. My trial starts tomorrow (and my client is having meltdowns left and right which include screaming at me- he's not a nice guy) so I want to leave it for another day.

I will be the first to admit that I can hold a grudge like nobody's business. I don't necessarily like this quality about myself but I haven't truly mastered the art of forgiving and letting go (basically I can put up with a LOT but there is a line and once is crossed, I'm just done). I wish I could because I know I've done my share of mean and stupid things in life and I would hope people would forgive me. People change- I know I have- and I should give them the same courtesy I'd want them to give me. I just wish I knew how.........