Not cool

So I have to confess that over the weekend I had a pretty big setback. I was working most of the weekend doing trial preparation and around 10:00 on Saturday night I decided to put the work away and just relax a little bit. I really wish I knew what happened.

I started in the typical way of just feeling my lashes with my fingers. Feeling for hairs that were out of place or thicker or shorter than the rest. I knew I didnt want to be doing it but I couldnt stop. Actually, that's a lie. I could have stopped but I didnt even try. In a pathetic, half assed way I would try to keep my hand busy but I could also hear that stupid little voice in my head saying that "just this one and no one will be able to tell". If only it worked that way.

So I pulled one and then another would take its place as the focus of my attention- the same pattern it has been for years. And then, once again, I panic at the damage I've done. In just a few minutes, maybe 15, and I've set myself back weeks. The lashes are still there but they are definitely thinner and my right eyelid now has a small spot where, if you look closely, there are no lashes. Yes, i can pretty easily cover it up with a little eyeliner and mascara to make it appear thicker but I know its there.

I dont have an explanation that can justify it. Stress from the trial, emotions from that jerk guy coming back into the picture, anxiety over quitting my job, exhaustion from working 90+ hours last week- I'm not really sure. I couldnt even take my own advice and forgive myself and move on- I was so frustrated at my self destruction. But that was Saturday. Sunday I work up and realized that its done, its over and the only thing that will get me through is to refocus and stop pulling because that is the only way they will grow back in.

Its funny but I realize that every time I think I've found something (this time exercise) and I make the proclamation "i'm too tired from now exercising to even want to pull" , within a few posts I'm confessing my slips. I suppose its thinking I've found a away to beat it and, as a result, I start to let me guard down when trich is on the other side of that wall just waiting for me not to pay attention.

All I know at this point is that I cant go back again. Now that I know what it feels like to have eyebrows and eyelashes, I cant go back to a life where I pull them out. One day I hope my battle with trich will be over but clearly it's not over yet.