Countdowns and Daily Struggles

Every day I wake up and struggle with trich. I have not been doing well- I am back to no eyebrows and even did some damage on both my right and left eyelashes. It makes me anxious as I think about the 107 days I have left until the wedding. As I've mentioned before, I have read that you need 6 weeks for the hair to regrow. That's 42 days. I would imagine I need even a little more than that for them to really look good and full so let's assume 9 weeks or 63 days. I have 44 days left.

Well, not really. I have 44 days left to get my pulling in gear if I want to have hair for the wedding. As part of the photography package we purchased we are doing engagement photos (yet another thing I never thought I'd do but it's included so what the hell- i'll feel like an idiot for an hour). I would like to have eyebrows and eyelashes for those photos which will be taken on September 13. Assuming I need the same 9 weeks I need to stop by next Thursday. It's not looking good.

I dont know what is going on. I dont know why it's worse now than before. Yes, wedding planning is stressful (really only in the sense that I seem to be hurting people's feelings over things I dont think are big issues- like not inviting his cousin who apparently has a habit of responding that he will come with his wife and then going MIA- we also never see him and they arent close but he's upset not to be invited and I got cornered about it by his aunt at a BBQ last weekend. Yikes). Life is stressful but no more than usual. I just can't stop pulling. All I want to do is pull.

I feel embarrassed, ashamed, nervous, angry, insecure, you name it. I've lost my way and can't seem to get myself back on track. I am able to lie to myself and make excuses but at the end of the day I still look in the mirror and I'm not happy with what I see. Sometimes it feels like I just continue to give myself permission to pull and even though I dont want to do it, part of me, a big part of me, just likes to pull. And that part of me seems to take over and suppress every ounce of willpower I have. Is that just lazy? I'm not happy that I feel so overwhelmed with trich but I can't seem to hold myself accountable and summon the willpower to stop for even a full 24 hours. It really sucks and I need to find a way back to a better place if I'm going to have any hope of making this happen by October 26th. Ugh.

1 down, 139 to go

I have made it 24 hours. I consider it an accomplishment but know that the encounter with the make up artist is still fresh in my mind so it's easier right now. I also have those hideous pictures with the freakish color eyebrows still fresh in my mind. So while today might be easy, tomorrow will get harder. As will the day after that. And so on. But now I have 139 days to go so I'll just be happy to have 1 day down.

Well, you have no eyebrows

Yesterday I went to Sephora for some new make up as the reliable eyebrow-liner color I rely so heavily on is no longer being made. Damn Bobbi Brown! While I was there I figured I'd have my make up done since I had a wedding and a party to go to. It was a disaster.

First, I work with a girl. She removes all my eyebrow make up and then walks away for about 5 minutes. I am left sitting in the chair, eyebrowless with my biggest insecurity staring back at me in the massive mirror next to the chair. I swear I was sweating just waiting for customers to point and stare at me. Finally she comes back and after 3 times trying to paint in my eyebrows with some stencil, I look like a clown. Off the eyebrows go again.

After three massively unsuccessful attempts she calls over another make up artist. He looks at me dismissively and asks me what look I'm going for. I tell him I need a new color, and ask him to do my make up so that it looks as natural as possible. He then curtly responds "well you have no eyebrows so nothing will look natural". I could feel my stomach drop and my eyes well up. It was awful but I was so embarrassed and at this point I didn't know what to do and couldn't just walk out since i had no eyebrows. After one or two attempts he makes something that looks decent.

Then come the pictures. While thinking I looked okay, my fiance took a picture of me and a friend at the wedding and I wanted to cry. The eyebrows looked this freaky shade of brown and red. Of course he told me they looked good but I deleted all the pictures from my camera because they were so hard to look at. Unfortunately I can't delete the pictures from the professional photographer and how sad that I will never want to look at a picture of me and my friend at his wedding.

The shame and embarrassment I felt yesterday was awful. I'm not sure how I ended up back in that place but it feels like I never left. I have 140 days until my wedding. 140 days to get back my confidence, 140 days to I have to take pictures that I cant and won't want to erase. 140 days to grow my hair back. 140 days to give myself the only wedding gift I really want- my hair.

Heading back uphill

Things are looking up (FINALLY!) so I wanted to post this little motivational quote I came across last night. This week has definitely been more successful than last week and I think it's a result of being more conscious of what I'm doing. Being busy also helps since I dont pull as often when I'm busy and not working from home on the computer.

Now it gets tricky. Once again, as the hairs start to grow the urge to pull those stubby little hairs gets worse so I have to come up with a way to stay strong and not pull. I'm guessing I need to make it about 2 more weeks until they are past that 'short and prickly" phase. So that's my goal although really my goal continues just to be another 24 hours. At this point 2 weeks is just too long and lofty a goal so my 24 goal keeps things more manageable and hopefully more realistic. Fingers crossed!

Big Sunglasses

The battle continues. I have just finished pulling out a half of my left eye's upper eyelashes. Wtf?? Half remain- the half closest to my ear but the other half is all but gone. I dont know what is going on.
Yes, I'm feeling a bit stressed and overwhelmed lately but nothing so horrible and unusual that I shouldnt be able to cope.

The challenge is also not working for me. Today I was so glad that big sunglasses are so in because I was meeting a friend at Yankee Stadium and its very bright outside so my lack of eyebrows is clear for the world to see. I'm sure people can still tell but I pretend that the big sunglasses hide, or at least distract, from my insecurities.

I'm officially getting married in October (he proposed last week!) after talking about it for the last few months and my clients trial is set for next month so I have no choice but to get this under control. This HAS to stop. I'm so angry with myself right now. Maybe it isnt so much anger as disappointment. I also have my period and I tend to do worse when I'm hormonal but that's no excuse.

Just last night I was thinking how I needed to blog about how I was doing well. Now, admittedly, I was only doing well because my thumb nail on the right hand tore off and is not super short making pulling harder and i cut (yes cut) the skin off my left forefinger (where the indentation from years of pulling was) making pulling actually painful.
So, as a result, I havent been pulling much. But then today it was clearly better. Is this what it has come to? Should I start biting my nails down to stubs and cutting off my skin just so I can keep myself from pulling. There has to be a better way.

I have so much to be thankful for in my life right now and this is the one thing that brings me down. I want my life back. I'm staring at the little pile of eyelashes that I pulled and know that this has to end. No more waiting until Monday to get a "fresh start". I need this to end today. Now. Forever.

Live every week likes it's shark week

Well it's been a little more than two weeks. I was doing really well the first week and then this week just sucked. I'm basically starting over (yet again). This time I truly just feel lazy- there have been so many times that I know I could have prevented and I just left myself keep pulling and the destructive behavior and attitude won again. I have been overwhelmed by your comments and wish I could report to you that I'm doing great. But I can't. I have no good excuses, no traumatic events or crazy stressful events that i can point too. I even was aware that I was pulling but I just didn't try that hard to stop. I'm sorry, really I am and I hope that you are doing better. So now it is May 4th and I'm once again eyebrowless. Fortunately most of my eyelashes have remained in tact although the left eye isn't as full as the right eye. My boyfriend and I are still talking about getting married within the next few months (we decided not to get engaged until we could get married right away since we both want to elope) but I know I'll still want pictures and just can't fathom the idea of having a photographer take close up photos when I have penciled in eyebrows. As Liz Lemon says on 30 rock when she is frustrated "blurgh" (i'm on a 30 rock kick this week- it also explains the title of this post). Doesn't it always feel like trich takes away the moments that are supposed to be so happy by stirring up anxiety and self consciousness? That is almost worse than actually not having hair. Double blurg. I'm not giving up. Not ever. I may have to start over a million times but I wont give up. So for those of you that are following this blog and doing great- keep it up and please share your tips! And for those (like me) that are picking up and starting again, dont give up. Never give up. Let's start again right now and just try to make it through the weekend without pulling. Good luck and, as always, thank you thank you thank you for reading and supporting me and each other!

6 week challenge- PLEASE JOIN ME!!!

Tonight at 12 I am beginning a new challenge. I am going to try and go 6 straight weeks with no pulling. Why 6 weeks? Because I have heard that that is how long it goes from having no eyebrows to having eyebrows. My reward? It's a big one. I'm going to splurge on a laser eye surgery touch up. I did it about 8 years ago and it was amazing but now my eyesight is fading again. Glasses are actually not horrible because they distract from my lack of hair but I want to see the world clearly again.

My cousins wedding was great, she look beautiful, we had a wonderful time in California but I need to have a plan. Summer is coming, my boyfriend and I may be eloping in the not so distant future and frankly I want the eye surgery.

You've heard me say it now and so I am sticking to it. I have to start at midnight because technically I pulled at 3am this morning and my OCD always likes me to start a day fresh. I will not let myself get that surgery until this goal is accomplished. I did so well in CA, I wasnt pulling at all but then just thinking about my clients and work and stress and life I came home late last night and did some damage. Unreal.

So here I go. It's time. It's past time. I would love for someone, everyone, anyone to join with me on this- post comments, send me emails, let's keep each other motivated. It's just 6 weeks, right? We can do this. And once we have, we will find a new goal. May 29th is our date- let's do it!!!