Hypnosis- The Results?

I did it. I shelled out $440 on hypnosis, I did get a little sleepy and now I'm waiting to see if it worked. Here's how it went:

I showed up for my 1:00 appointment and we just talked a bit about trich and other changes I wanted to make such as loving exercise and not craving sweets so much. It's difficult to relay everythign she said but it was basically about how you need to reprogram the way you think, that every urge can only last for a total of 60 seconds (apparently proven by psychiatrists for years) and how you cant have two opposite urges- I cant want to pull and not want to pull.

Nancy (the hynotist) also believes that we are more influened by positive thoughts than negative and we can retrain our minds to make positive choices- that by envisioning ourselves a certain way eventually we retrain how our mind works and choose the better alternative. One example she used was driving abroad- we are so used to driving on one side of the road yet, according to her, when people go to Europe and have to drive on the other side, they just do it. There is very little time to train themselves because its something you HAVE to do and apparently there have been studies to show there are no greater amount of accidents as a result of people used to driving on one side then suddenly driving on the other. We are forced to make that choice so we do it.

Another example was potty training. As infants we are used to "relieving" ourselves in a diaper but we can be trained to go into a bathroom and use a toilet and never use a diaper again. Same thing with drinking from a bottle. I'm not sure I'm conveying all this properly but its really about positive training. If we retrain ourselves to think "i have all my hair and i want to keep all my hair" eventually that becomes the automatic choice and it is helped by planting the seed into our subconscious but we have to convince ourselves we want it and its possible.

So onto the hypnosis. It was done in her office while sitting in a chair- you pretty much start out by staring at the ceiling while she talks and then focusing on your breathing. Eventually you go into what she calls a "trance" state. Apparently it is normal to still have other thoughts during this time and I will admit I had the popular Cee Low (spelling?) song "Fuck You" in my head because I heard it in the cab on the way over. Then I was worried that would screw it up but I did get pretty drowsy and otherwise focused on what she was saying. i was also picturing myself with full, beautiful eyelashes for most of it. It felt like it was about 7-10 minutes and I guess it was actually 18 or so.

That was it really. During the process she would repeat the mantra "I have all my hair" and occasionally throw in "i want to keep my hair" and "i love to exercise because it makes me feel so good" and "i stay away from sugar because I like to feel good and be thin". Part of me felt like the "i have all my hair mantra" wasnt the best- I would rather have had more emphasis on "i want to keep all my hair" but I'll mention that next time.

So yes, there is a next time. She often recommends it and considering we are dealing with a 22 year "habit" I felt a reinforcement session was worth it- might as well try and make that money work- the second session is $350 i think. All in all it was kind of what I expected, kind of not. She said I was in a very deep trance which she could tell from my breathing but I dont know- maybe the person 'in the trance' doesnt know. I walked away a little bit unsure but hopeful and with a recording of the entire session that I listened to, as recommended, just before I went to bed last night.

Now the results. I'm so worried that it didnt work- I keep also wanting to test it out but then of course I dont want to. I will say that I was happy to go to the gym today and worked out quite a bit longer than usual but I could also attribute that to losing 1.5 pounds over the last 2 days and having an awful, stressful morning with jerky and obnoxious clients. I also went out to eat last night to a comfort food place and was repulsed by the greasy grilled cheese sandwich- was it because I now like to be healthy or was it actually gross? Normally i love greasy and cheesy. And I have had no desire for anything sweet in the lat 24 hours which is crazy but could that be from just working out all week and loving the weight i've been losing? (and you know how sometimes when you leave the gym you just want health food?) Yeah, I dont know. Maybe I'm looking for excuses or affirmation it worked, who knows- I'm on the fence.

As for trich- I have several times reached my hand up to "smooth" and feel my eyebrows and eyelashes but even when I get my hand close, I immediately put my hand back down. I've been thinking about it constantly but am I just extra motivated right now NOT to pull or did the hypnosis really work? I would LOVE to know but I guess only time will tell............

PS- If it does work then I'm happy to say for anyone interested- apparently she does a lot of work with people over the phone so just because you dont live in/around NYC doesnt meant you can have the benefit of her services. I'll keep you posted :)

Cautiously Optimistic

I've going back and forth between being very hopeful that today could be my last day pulling and being afraid that I'll be let down and the hypnosis won't work. Can you imagine a life with no urges? It sounds too good to be true.

Just as a marker I am posting a photo (please ignore how ridiculously huge my forehead looks in it and the dark circles under my eyes) just to mark what I hope will be the end of the "bad times" and the start of progress once again. It's a bit hard to take a photo of just your eyes without looking crazy. Also, I do have on some make up since I need to head back out soon.

So we shall see. I guess the best way to put it is that I'm cautiously optimistic- I'm not a big believer in prayer but I'll definitely be saying one tonight.

Glass Half Full

After a lot of thought and online research, I'm going to give the hynosis a shot. The woman I am seeing has rave reviews online and Christina from the TLC site said that she does know about 60 people who had success with hypnosis (granted that was out of thousands she has met with who have trich although she didnt know how many had unsucessfully tried this method).

The decision was actually the result of a call from my mom, who at first was very skeptical of the idea. I told her I was mostly just worried about spending $500 and then it not working. She asked me "how much would you spend for a cure?" The answer: Thousands. I would give away every penny I had in savings, granted its not much, if it meant not having urges to pull ever again. My mother made me see that I was so worried about spending the money if it didnt work, but if it did work then it would be the best $500 I've ever spent. Thanks mom.

My boyfriend and my sister are also on board and basically said the same thing as my mom so this Thursday at 1pm I'm going to give it a try. Christina (the TLC support group moderator) said that I have to understand that even if it works it does not mean I no longer have trich, it just means I've had help controlling the urges but still need to be on guard and may even need a "refresher" hynosis in a few years.

Another plus is that I've also asked the hynotist to convince me that I love to exercise and hate eating sweet foods. She said she would. Why not make the most of that $500? I've already lost 5 pounds this week just by cutting out bad foods and exercising for an hour 5 times a week but I'll take all the help I can get :)

You are getting very sleepy

I'm sorry for once again disappearing from the world of blogging. It's been a tough few months for me and I've been doing a lot of self inflection. Somehow I've managed to achieve complete happiness with my professional life but my personal life, or at least personal issues, are struggling. If only i could figure out how to achieve success and happiness in both at the same time.

My new firm is going great and it has been a lot of work but I love every moment. My family is doing well and my relationship is still going strong, in fact, we just booked a trip to Italy and will be going in May. I think that is actually my motivation for trying to move forward with the pieces I've let drop.

Trich and I are battling each other once again. I have not fully reverted back to my old pulling ways (where I would be completely hairless) but I'm not doing as well as I was a few months ago and I'm by no means pull free. The eyebrows are still the worst and the eyelashes are thin and, at least in my mind, need make up to compensate for what is lacking.

For the last 2 months I've been in a lot of pain due to a back injury. They recently (and finally) discovered 2 herniated disks in my upper back after insisting for years (and countless lower back MRI's) that it was nothing and giving me medication. After my trip in January, when it became difficult to even walk, I finally started demanding answers. Fast forward to now and I am JUST getting back to the gym and my active lifestyle back. So now I'm 15 pounds heavier than I'd like (it's not an issue of being heavy as much as I just dont FEEL good in my own skin which I think is more important than the number).

So now I'm back to trying to tackle both. It's so frustrating to constantly have this cycle but I guess it is what it is and it could always be worse. Over the last few weeks I've spoken with different people about "bad habits" (although I will say I do not think trich is a habit) and at some point it was suggested to me that I try hypnosis. I will admit that I am skeptical and the money is definitely the biggest issue. I spoke to one woman today, Nancy Donenfeld, who says she has worked with about 50 trich patients in close to 30 years and that at least 40 of them had great success. The cost is $440 for the first session, $390 for the second, then $290 for the third, and $190 for any after that. She said that often it will work in the first or second session (and the person who referred her to me said it worked after one session).

As of now I have a tentative appointment for next Thursday. I will give the woman credit that she is certainly persuasive in getting you to set up an appointment! I've thought about it off and on and I think really if it was maybe $200 I'd do it in a heartbeat. I feel like I'm now at a crossroads- spending $1000 to possibly have freedom from trich? Seems like it could be worth it but I also think part of me is so afraid that this is my last resort and if this fails, what if I cant beat it on my own? Wow, writing does help. I think I just realized my biggest issue with it. Hmm..... well, i'm going to go sleep on that but if you have suggestions or comments I'd love to hear them.

Once again, I'm sorry for not writing for so long and hope that you have had better luck with trich these last few months than I have!

It's a great day to get better. Again.

It's hard to know where to start today. First, to explain my absence for the last 20 days. As most of you know, I recently started a business which has been going very well but has required a lot of work. I also went away with my family for a week (wont be doing that again) and then this last week has just sucked.

Now let's start with the negative. The last week or so has just been awful in managing my trich. My left eyebrow might as well be completely gone and I lost count how many eyelashes I have pulled. I couldnt stop. All times of day, all mindsets, I just kept giving in to the urge to pull. I wish I had a good excuse but they are all just that, excuses. I was PMS'ing which I truly believe is the worst time of month for me and trich and I smoked a little pot again which somehow seems to bring out the pulling side of me. The pot is now gone and I really wont ever smoke again. I cant, not if I want to beat this stupid disease.

I've been thinking a lot about the question 'why do you pull'? which someone asked me not too long ago. They asked if it felt good and I'd have to say it does, but in a twisted sort of way. I love when I pull and it hurts. When the sting of pulling lingers for just a few minutes. I love the control, the satisfaction of pulling hairs i dont feel belong. But I hate it. I hate myself when I pull, I hate how literally one second after the 'good feeling" i feel like shit and go into an automatic panic about how bad the damage will be. I hate covering it up. I hate all the reasons I've listed on previous "reasons to stop pulling". I hate that I thought I was doing so well.

To backtrack just a bit, I really was doing pretty well. I believe in my last post i mentioned that I hadn't yet told my boyfriend but wanted to. Well about about 2 days after that post we went to a memorial service for his cousin that passed away. We took the train back to the city with his aunt and uncle. For some reason I thought at one point that his aunt might be wearing a wig but it looked natural and I really didnt think that much about it. Despite being overly sensitive to everyone else's hair, or lack thereof (eyebrows, eyelashes, and head hair) nothing really stood out to me. Once we got to Penn Station we went our separate ways and Pete and I grabbed a cab back to my apartment.

I forget exactly how it came up but he asked me if I noticed that she was wearing a wig? He stated that she had a disease where she pulled her hair and he thinks a few years ago it stopped growing back. Obviously this was as good of an intro as I was ever going to get so I took it and told him that I also have that disease, have had it for 22 years, but am working really hard to beat it. His response "wow, thanks for telling me, I never noticed. I think you look great." Yup, that was it. We talked a little more about it and I told him how hard it was for me to talk about it but he said that "everyone has their 'thing'" and he was just glad I felt comfortable enough to tell him and if I ever wanted his help or to talk about it he'd be there. Yet one more reason I know he is a good guy and I made the right decision going out with him (and he bought me flowers and a cupcake (if you ever come to NYC, got to two red hens bakery and get a cupcake, amazing) when I got home from my trip, seriously, if he had brothers I would advertise them on here since I'd want each of you to get one). :)


So that was a big step for me and I thought it was going well. Then i went away with my parents and my sister for a week. It was incredibly generous for my parents to take us with them to the Dominican Republic but it wasnt the easiest trip. My sister and I have recently been having a very hard time with my dad and the residual anger he had from 9/11. It's difficult to explain but it's been very emotional and a bit exhausting. People may think that because he walked out (ok, walked might be a BIG overstatement since he spent weeks in the hospital), and despite his ongoing injuries/burns he is ok but he isnt. People may also think that we have it easier b/c he survived and that we are so lucky. Yes, we are so incredibly lucky but no one ever tells you how hard it will be to live with someone who generally looks the same but one day is a different person. You see glimpses of the "old dad" while feeling guilty about not just accepting "new dad". You feel guilty that you arent just grateful you have a dad at all. I wont go into any more detail because you are probably bored from reading this anyway but it's been something we've been struggling a lot with lately and spending a week with my parents had its ups and downs (good think I havent shared this blog with them, haha). Oh, and my father should be nicknamed "Kramer" since he has many mannerisms and habits similiar to the Seinfeld character (instead of falling into a doorway, he opted to jump on a piling and land literally in the cabana of this European couple who I think were more annoyed then surprised- this is just one of many, many episodes).

I guess that has been the general gist. I had to buy some new make up today and polish back up my skills of "filling in my eyebrows" so they dont look too dramatic or strange. Fortunately my eyelashes are generally ok. Yes, they are thinner but I could probably still go with just a little mascara or eyeliner. Since I'm so overly sensitive, I've been using both eyeliner and mascara just to make myself feel better. The right eyebrow is very thin but at least it's still more or less there. The left one, well, it's clearly a mess. I guess I begin again. The next few weeks I will be working on pulling it (bad choice of words I suppose) all together and moving forward. As a friend of mine once used to say "it's a great day to get better". Onward and upward I hope and, as always, thanks for reading my ramblings and if you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them.

2011 Starting Point

I'm going to start this year out with a photo, despite still being terrified at the idea of posting photos. you cant run from photos, they are what they are and for the most part they are a pretty accurate depiction. Those forehead lines? Can't run from those. The thin eyebrows with the smudging make up? They are there, front and center. My new mac computer has a camera option so really there is so excuse.

As you'll see, my eyelashes (which i'll admit have mascara and a little bit of eyeliner on them as this photo and post are a bit impromputu) look pretty good. The bottom ones havent been pulled in months. The tops ones are basically just as I described the other day- if you look at the left one close to my nose you might notice that there is a bit of a gap from where I pulled a few weeks ago. The time waiting while they are growing back in - when the hairs are small and crooked -is really the hardest time for me not to pull. And my shitty thin looking eyebrows are just sad and crying out for my to let them be.

It's still progress from this time last year, big progress actually as I properly had a few stray hairs (it always reminds me of the song from elementary school "the cheese stands alone, the cheese stands alone" for some bizarre reason- ha). Anyway, thats that and I feel I owe it to my ego to remind myself that I left off a BIG accomplishment from 2010- I quit smoking. Yes, that's me patting myself on the back but screw it, it was hard (a that's what she said reference is definitely called for here for anyone who is a fan of 'the office' like I am).

So there it is. My first step and the hard truth that I start off this year with. Does anyone have suggestions? Things that are working? Topic ideas? (sometimes that is the hardest part of having a blog- coming up with new ideas but lately I've been stuck on my boyfriends hairs and despite already posting about it, I might do another- i cant tell you how much I want to pull his stray eyebrow hairs sometimes!)

Reflections and Updates for 2011

Happy 2011 to all! It's a new year and a fresh start. 1/1/11 just seems to scream "Square 1" or "new beginnings". As I look back on the past year I'm trying to take an optimistic approach- a lot has changed. I start out this year with hope, the way I started out last year, but also with a sense of reality that sometimes, although we dont accomplish ALL our goals, progress can not be ignored or discounted. Progress leads to change which can lead to success.

Last year my resolutions were as follows:

1. I will be honest, brutally honest, I will confess when I have slipped, what I have pulled and at some point in the near future, I will post pictures of my eyes documenting progress.

2. I wont make excuses or apologies (after this).

3. I will commit to writing in this blog at least 3 times a week.

4. I will come to terms with all aspects of this disease- I will finally own up to it with my friends...and deal with it

All in all I'm pretty happy with how I did even though it wasnt exactly as I set out. I have confessed when I slipped and at one point even posted a picture of my eyes. I did make a few excuses and I definitely did not blog at least 3 times a week but I tried and had a total of over 80 posts for the year (so on average 1-2 a week) which isnt horrible. But most of all I'm proud of the fact that I did come to terms with my trich, I did own up to it with my friends and family and actively took steps to conquer this lingering demon of a disease.

In terms of progress, I have mixed feelings on that. I sit here with about 94% of my eyelashes (that one stupid spot from 2 weeks ago hasnt quite filled in) but I havent pulled recently and 94% is about 93% more than I had at this time last year. My friends know, I recognize my triggers more than I did, and I no longer feel the overwhelming shame I felt telling people last year (ok, well a little confession, I am sitting here next to my boyfriend of almost 7 months who I still have not had the "talk" with- small steps on that one I suppose- I'm not really sure wyh I havent told him). My eyebrows look, well, shitty. I havent pulled in a few weeks but they are still very thin. Adding the optimistic spin to that, once again its more than I had last year and the fact that I havent pulled in a few weeks is still a big accomplishment for me, certainly more than I had hoped for myself last year (and I finally, FINALLY quit my job and started a business so I'm pretty damn proud of that).

So once again it's time to move forward, to set new goals to work for (and I have a new computer so I have no excuse not to blog) This year I have a pretty simple resolution really- i want to improve on my previous progress. Yup, that's it. I am not going to say I am going to beat trich because after this year I just dont know that you ever fully beat this disease, you just learn how to manage it and suppress it to where you can actually have hair again. I think that saying "i'll beat trich" sets an unfair and unrealistic expectation- its too easy to slip and give up when half the battle, at least for me, is forgiving myself for the slips, not giving up and picking up to move on without erasing all the progress I'd previously made. If I slip and pull one hair and then stop myself, that's progress. Sure, it would be amazing not to pull at all but baby steps seem to be keep trying, keeping learning about this disease and finding new ways to improve and manage it.

I guess it comes down to this:

1. Improve on previous progress. By December 2011 I want to have kept all my eyelashes (and added a few) and have more than a thin line of eyebrow hair.

2. Tell my boyfriend about trich and continue to be honest.

3. Exercise- this has two purposes, the first, i want to lose the 10 pounds of christmas cookies I ate this month and second, exercising helps keep my mind clear which I've noticed has helped my stay on my toes with trich. My goal, again being realistic, is 3 times a week for at least one hour.

4. Be grateful and worry less. I'm not going to go into the reasons behind this one so much right now- suffice it to say the last few weeks have been an eye opener for me on how short life is and how much time I/we spend worrying about things that never come to fruition but yet we waste so much time on. I want to be happy with what I have instead of always worrying about what I should have in the future or dont have right now. let's face it, stress isnt good for trich either so it all ties back in.

Well that's it for now. I hope that everyone has a happy and healthy 2011 and, as always, thank you so much for the support and for reading!