It's a great day to get better. Again.

It's hard to know where to start today. First, to explain my absence for the last 20 days. As most of you know, I recently started a business which has been going very well but has required a lot of work. I also went away with my family for a week (wont be doing that again) and then this last week has just sucked.

Now let's start with the negative. The last week or so has just been awful in managing my trich. My left eyebrow might as well be completely gone and I lost count how many eyelashes I have pulled. I couldnt stop. All times of day, all mindsets, I just kept giving in to the urge to pull. I wish I had a good excuse but they are all just that, excuses. I was PMS'ing which I truly believe is the worst time of month for me and trich and I smoked a little pot again which somehow seems to bring out the pulling side of me. The pot is now gone and I really wont ever smoke again. I cant, not if I want to beat this stupid disease.

I've been thinking a lot about the question 'why do you pull'? which someone asked me not too long ago. They asked if it felt good and I'd have to say it does, but in a twisted sort of way. I love when I pull and it hurts. When the sting of pulling lingers for just a few minutes. I love the control, the satisfaction of pulling hairs i dont feel belong. But I hate it. I hate myself when I pull, I hate how literally one second after the 'good feeling" i feel like shit and go into an automatic panic about how bad the damage will be. I hate covering it up. I hate all the reasons I've listed on previous "reasons to stop pulling". I hate that I thought I was doing so well.

To backtrack just a bit, I really was doing pretty well. I believe in my last post i mentioned that I hadn't yet told my boyfriend but wanted to. Well about about 2 days after that post we went to a memorial service for his cousin that passed away. We took the train back to the city with his aunt and uncle. For some reason I thought at one point that his aunt might be wearing a wig but it looked natural and I really didnt think that much about it. Despite being overly sensitive to everyone else's hair, or lack thereof (eyebrows, eyelashes, and head hair) nothing really stood out to me. Once we got to Penn Station we went our separate ways and Pete and I grabbed a cab back to my apartment.

I forget exactly how it came up but he asked me if I noticed that she was wearing a wig? He stated that she had a disease where she pulled her hair and he thinks a few years ago it stopped growing back. Obviously this was as good of an intro as I was ever going to get so I took it and told him that I also have that disease, have had it for 22 years, but am working really hard to beat it. His response "wow, thanks for telling me, I never noticed. I think you look great." Yup, that was it. We talked a little more about it and I told him how hard it was for me to talk about it but he said that "everyone has their 'thing'" and he was just glad I felt comfortable enough to tell him and if I ever wanted his help or to talk about it he'd be there. Yet one more reason I know he is a good guy and I made the right decision going out with him (and he bought me flowers and a cupcake (if you ever come to NYC, got to two red hens bakery and get a cupcake, amazing) when I got home from my trip, seriously, if he had brothers I would advertise them on here since I'd want each of you to get one). :)


So that was a big step for me and I thought it was going well. Then i went away with my parents and my sister for a week. It was incredibly generous for my parents to take us with them to the Dominican Republic but it wasnt the easiest trip. My sister and I have recently been having a very hard time with my dad and the residual anger he had from 9/11. It's difficult to explain but it's been very emotional and a bit exhausting. People may think that because he walked out (ok, walked might be a BIG overstatement since he spent weeks in the hospital), and despite his ongoing injuries/burns he is ok but he isnt. People may also think that we have it easier b/c he survived and that we are so lucky. Yes, we are so incredibly lucky but no one ever tells you how hard it will be to live with someone who generally looks the same but one day is a different person. You see glimpses of the "old dad" while feeling guilty about not just accepting "new dad". You feel guilty that you arent just grateful you have a dad at all. I wont go into any more detail because you are probably bored from reading this anyway but it's been something we've been struggling a lot with lately and spending a week with my parents had its ups and downs (good think I havent shared this blog with them, haha). Oh, and my father should be nicknamed "Kramer" since he has many mannerisms and habits similiar to the Seinfeld character (instead of falling into a doorway, he opted to jump on a piling and land literally in the cabana of this European couple who I think were more annoyed then surprised- this is just one of many, many episodes).

I guess that has been the general gist. I had to buy some new make up today and polish back up my skills of "filling in my eyebrows" so they dont look too dramatic or strange. Fortunately my eyelashes are generally ok. Yes, they are thinner but I could probably still go with just a little mascara or eyeliner. Since I'm so overly sensitive, I've been using both eyeliner and mascara just to make myself feel better. The right eyebrow is very thin but at least it's still more or less there. The left one, well, it's clearly a mess. I guess I begin again. The next few weeks I will be working on pulling it (bad choice of words I suppose) all together and moving forward. As a friend of mine once used to say "it's a great day to get better". Onward and upward I hope and, as always, thanks for reading my ramblings and if you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them.