Today I was in court with my client who showed up about an hour late. Unfortunately, being late means you get stuck on a list with dozens of attorneys in front of you and you never know how long they will take with their client once in front of the Judge. This morning was almost painful.
Anyway, after waiting for about an hour and a half I approached the court officer (for the second time) to ask how many cases were still in front of mine. This is one of the situations where being a female criminal defense attorney can really work in my favor. His response "bat your eyes at me and your case will be next". I'm not kidding.
It took me a quick second to run through my checklist- 1. I need to get out of here and get back to the office, 2. today is my last day before my vacation begins, 3. do I have eyelashes?
Exhale. Stomach unknots. Yes! I can do this! I actually have lashes (that i was so close to pulling out once again last night) and so, for the first time ever, I put aside my pride and the general awkwardness of the situation and batted my lashes (I would imagine that batting your eyelids doesnt have quite the same effect).
I'm not going to lie, it was weird. I'm not a cutesy/blatantly flirty type of girl to begin with but I had stuff to do and places to go. Anyway, thank god I had something to 'bat' at him because that could have been a pretty shitty and awkward situation. Who asks that anyway? Apparently he does.
Once again I am relieved that I have continued to stay strong and that my self confidence didnt have to suffer yet another uncomfortable blow as I tried to awkwardly avoid the situation or make up an excuse to run to the bathroom and untie all the knots that had formed in my stomach. This was a situation I've never encountered before but lucky for me it occurred a couple months AFTER i decided to wage my own war against trich.
Reason #28 to stop- need to be able to "bat those lashes" on command - never know when you'll be asked.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
A lifetime of excuses
Yesterday I wrote about opening up to those close to me and the positive reactions Ive been fortunate enough to receive, however, I know that this isn't always the case. It also got me thinking about the times when someone has noticed my missing eyelashes and eyebrows and how I've dealt with those situations- with BS excuses.
The first time I remember being called out on my trich was in the 3rd grade. I even remember the outfit I was wearing. I don't know what was going on in the 3rd grade, perhaps my transition to a new school where I didn't know many people, but this is pretty much around the time my trich began and things are pretty clear. Anyway, I was sitting at my desk next to Chad, a kid who ended up on my swim team (another awesome situation to have to deal with trich), and we were talking about the multiplication test when he looked at me and said "where are your eyelashes?" Oddly enough, the only thing I don't remember is what I said in response.
A kid in college, D, also knew (i referred to this yesterday) and he was the worst out of everyone. He was an awkward guy to begin with and didnt seem to have any sense of personal boundaries. I dont remember at what point he noticed, but he would NEVER let it go. He would come up to me in parties and ask me why I had no eyelashes. It was awful. I would feel sick to my stomach, I would begin to sweat and grow anxious, terrified someone would overhear or that he would tell someone.
At first I made up a lame excuse about how I was having a reaction to medication I was on and then I would just try and ignore him. I avoided him at all costs and I don't know if he ever knew why. I ran into him a few years after college, at a party I was throwing in the city with a friend, and he showed up. First thing he did was come up to me, look me in the face and comment that my eyelashes were still missing. To this day part of me hates him- justified or not.
I've used the medication excuse more than once over the last 21 years- I think that may be my favorite excuse although the older I've gotten the more I've realized it doesn't make sense. Why would I be allergic to medicine and the only hair loss just happens to be my eyelashes and eyebrows- nothing else. Somehow I convinced myself that others would buy this and to a certain extent I think maybe they did.
The last time someone called me out unexpectedly was about 5 years ago. I was living in DC and was going rock climbing with my then roommate. I was driving, without sunglasses (damn bright lights giving things away) and she was talking to me when she just stopped and asked why I had no eyelashes. I again used the medication excuse, declaring that they should be back in soon (hoping my current attempt to beat trich would be successful- obviously it wasn't). She didn't press the issue, just commented that she'd never noticed in the year or so we'd been living together.
Those are just a few examples but I feel as though I've come up with some other random excuses over the years. The worst part is when it catches you off guard and that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that immediately arises when you try and think of what excuse will sound the more plausible.
Writing this blog each day has really reminded me of all the awful and uncomfortable situations trich has caused me. Little memories have come up and I just have to keep reminding myself of them when the urges are at their worst (like last night- ugh, last night sucked but I managed to hang in there). I want to be done with the excuses, the lies, the covering it up- I want to be done with all the crap that trich brought along with it for the last 21 years. This time I'm not giving up.
Reason #27- that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that arises when someone unexpectedly notices or comments about my missing hair.
The first time I remember being called out on my trich was in the 3rd grade. I even remember the outfit I was wearing. I don't know what was going on in the 3rd grade, perhaps my transition to a new school where I didn't know many people, but this is pretty much around the time my trich began and things are pretty clear. Anyway, I was sitting at my desk next to Chad, a kid who ended up on my swim team (another awesome situation to have to deal with trich), and we were talking about the multiplication test when he looked at me and said "where are your eyelashes?" Oddly enough, the only thing I don't remember is what I said in response.
A kid in college, D, also knew (i referred to this yesterday) and he was the worst out of everyone. He was an awkward guy to begin with and didnt seem to have any sense of personal boundaries. I dont remember at what point he noticed, but he would NEVER let it go. He would come up to me in parties and ask me why I had no eyelashes. It was awful. I would feel sick to my stomach, I would begin to sweat and grow anxious, terrified someone would overhear or that he would tell someone.
At first I made up a lame excuse about how I was having a reaction to medication I was on and then I would just try and ignore him. I avoided him at all costs and I don't know if he ever knew why. I ran into him a few years after college, at a party I was throwing in the city with a friend, and he showed up. First thing he did was come up to me, look me in the face and comment that my eyelashes were still missing. To this day part of me hates him- justified or not.
I've used the medication excuse more than once over the last 21 years- I think that may be my favorite excuse although the older I've gotten the more I've realized it doesn't make sense. Why would I be allergic to medicine and the only hair loss just happens to be my eyelashes and eyebrows- nothing else. Somehow I convinced myself that others would buy this and to a certain extent I think maybe they did.
The last time someone called me out unexpectedly was about 5 years ago. I was living in DC and was going rock climbing with my then roommate. I was driving, without sunglasses (damn bright lights giving things away) and she was talking to me when she just stopped and asked why I had no eyelashes. I again used the medication excuse, declaring that they should be back in soon (hoping my current attempt to beat trich would be successful- obviously it wasn't). She didn't press the issue, just commented that she'd never noticed in the year or so we'd been living together.
Those are just a few examples but I feel as though I've come up with some other random excuses over the years. The worst part is when it catches you off guard and that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that immediately arises when you try and think of what excuse will sound the more plausible.
Writing this blog each day has really reminded me of all the awful and uncomfortable situations trich has caused me. Little memories have come up and I just have to keep reminding myself of them when the urges are at their worst (like last night- ugh, last night sucked but I managed to hang in there). I want to be done with the excuses, the lies, the covering it up- I want to be done with all the crap that trich brought along with it for the last 21 years. This time I'm not giving up.
Reason #27- that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that arises when someone unexpectedly notices or comments about my missing hair.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Those who matter won't mind and those who mind wont matter'
It's been just over two months since I started this blog. When I first began I could not imagine talking about my trich with anyone. The support I've received through this blog has been incredible and I truly believe it has helped me progress to this point (thank you!) While it was easier to talk to people who couldn't see me and didn't know me I knew I also had to start opening up to friends and family.
As I've mentioned in the past, I've had mixed results over the years with the few friends I've told about my trich. Since I began this blog I have brought it up to a few of the people who knew already- my parents, my sister and my friend Danielle- and we others who did not. It was hard at first- each time I would tell someone I would burst into tears while trying to confess to my "habit".
It gets easier. Much, much easier. Last Friday night I was out to dinner with a friend who I never would have considered telling just a few months ago. We went to college together, had a few mutual friends but did not really become close until we ended up on the same trip to Israel in 2006. We were catching up (I'll post more about the specifics another time as it relates to trich in a distant way) and I just blurted it out. Each time I tell someone I get more honest about what I do, how I do it and what I'm now trying to accomplish.
The list has grown to include this friend, my best friend Megan, a law school friend, my cousin, my aunt, my grandmother, my hair dresser, some random woman at the Mac store and I think one or two others. I think that's pretty impressive although I just noticed that these are all women. Last night I was going to tell my friend Peter who knows many of my deep, dark secrets but he was in the company of his latest fling when I called. I want to tell him and my best guy friend and then I think I will have my primary support network in place.
In all honesty not many people have followed up and asked me questions despite me asking them to check in on my trich from time to time. I'm sure it must be hard for them and I plan on almost forcing their hand so that I don't just pretend its not an issue anymore.
The one thing that has struck me, in all the people I've now told, is that not one of them judged me (although I think many were surprised having never heard of trich before), they all asked questions and not one of them really ever noticed. I know that may sound hard to believe (and I'm pretty good with using make up to cover up trich but still) but that was the resounding comment by all. They noticed I wore a lot of eyeliner, that my eyebrows were often thin (non-existent but again- thank you eyebrow powder from sephora!) but that's about where it stopped. I think my friend Megan admitted she once noticed I didn't have eyelashes but her comment was "but I never knew you with them so i just didn't think about it".
I have spent 21 years convinced that everyone around me thought I odd or off for not having eyebrows or eyelashes. I have spent countless hours (probably amounting to years) of wasted time worried about what others would think of me and how they would judge me. I spent more time so obsessed with covering up every possible scenario where my trich could be visible. No one noticed. The lawyer in me counters that the countless hours I spent covering it up worked but now I just see it as time in my life that I can never get back. Time I wasted worrying about what others thought.
The quote I used for today's blog is so true. I just wish I knew then what I know now. Your friends wont judge you, they will support you. We are so wrapped up in our own insecurities and shame with this disease that we often cant see that. We have a disease like anyone else. We wouldn't judge someone with a bipolar disorder, with cancer, with MS, we just wouldn't. So why wouldn't people give us the same courtesy? They will, we just have to give them a chance. And if they don't, or they wont take the time to listen and learn about trich, then they weren't a good friend anyway and ultimately they wont matter.
Reason #26- years of time wasted on worrying about what others might think about my trich.
As I've mentioned in the past, I've had mixed results over the years with the few friends I've told about my trich. Since I began this blog I have brought it up to a few of the people who knew already- my parents, my sister and my friend Danielle- and we others who did not. It was hard at first- each time I would tell someone I would burst into tears while trying to confess to my "habit".
It gets easier. Much, much easier. Last Friday night I was out to dinner with a friend who I never would have considered telling just a few months ago. We went to college together, had a few mutual friends but did not really become close until we ended up on the same trip to Israel in 2006. We were catching up (I'll post more about the specifics another time as it relates to trich in a distant way) and I just blurted it out. Each time I tell someone I get more honest about what I do, how I do it and what I'm now trying to accomplish.
The list has grown to include this friend, my best friend Megan, a law school friend, my cousin, my aunt, my grandmother, my hair dresser, some random woman at the Mac store and I think one or two others. I think that's pretty impressive although I just noticed that these are all women. Last night I was going to tell my friend Peter who knows many of my deep, dark secrets but he was in the company of his latest fling when I called. I want to tell him and my best guy friend and then I think I will have my primary support network in place.
In all honesty not many people have followed up and asked me questions despite me asking them to check in on my trich from time to time. I'm sure it must be hard for them and I plan on almost forcing their hand so that I don't just pretend its not an issue anymore.
The one thing that has struck me, in all the people I've now told, is that not one of them judged me (although I think many were surprised having never heard of trich before), they all asked questions and not one of them really ever noticed. I know that may sound hard to believe (and I'm pretty good with using make up to cover up trich but still) but that was the resounding comment by all. They noticed I wore a lot of eyeliner, that my eyebrows were often thin (non-existent but again- thank you eyebrow powder from sephora!) but that's about where it stopped. I think my friend Megan admitted she once noticed I didn't have eyelashes but her comment was "but I never knew you with them so i just didn't think about it".
I have spent 21 years convinced that everyone around me thought I odd or off for not having eyebrows or eyelashes. I have spent countless hours (probably amounting to years) of wasted time worried about what others would think of me and how they would judge me. I spent more time so obsessed with covering up every possible scenario where my trich could be visible. No one noticed. The lawyer in me counters that the countless hours I spent covering it up worked but now I just see it as time in my life that I can never get back. Time I wasted worrying about what others thought.
The quote I used for today's blog is so true. I just wish I knew then what I know now. Your friends wont judge you, they will support you. We are so wrapped up in our own insecurities and shame with this disease that we often cant see that. We have a disease like anyone else. We wouldn't judge someone with a bipolar disorder, with cancer, with MS, we just wouldn't. So why wouldn't people give us the same courtesy? They will, we just have to give them a chance. And if they don't, or they wont take the time to listen and learn about trich, then they weren't a good friend anyway and ultimately they wont matter.
Reason #26- years of time wasted on worrying about what others might think about my trich.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Changing your mind
Most times when people talk of changing their mind, it refers more to when you decide to go with a different option than the one you had originally planned. "I was going to buy the blue sweater but then changed my mind and bought the red". You know what I mean.
In my quest to beat trich, I've learned that I need change the way my mind thinks about hair, not just deal with the behavior. Now that most of my eyelashes and eyebrows are back, I'm having trouble controlling the urges since apparently I try to justify pulling to myself - "it wont make a difference, no one will notice" or "it'll just be one and then I'll stop" or "if I don't pull that one, I'll focus on all of them and do real damage".
Once again I'm going to compare my situation to that of an alcoholic- I cant pull just that one time just like an alcoholic cant drink just that one drink. I dont know who I think i"m kidding and I don't want to be thinking like this since obviously, if I do, I'll never beat trich. So far I've been able to talk myself out of this terrible, pathetic justification but I cant let it take over.
I have to get it through my head that if I allow myself to pull one today, it becomes easier to pull one tomorrow and then it really will make a difference and people really will notice. Obviously I can pull them faster than they can grow back. I've made so much progress and no one wants to go backwards, but to do that, my next step has to be eliminating these thoughts from my head. I have finally gotten to a place where I am not always worried about people discovering my "trich secret". I've change my routines, my behavior, so many things that made pulling easier but now it's time to work on changing my thought process and not letting the bullshit rationales and justifications take over.
The battle continues........
Reason #24- relationship issues caused by trich (hard to really be close to someone when you are hesitant to often be physically close for fear that they will uncover your 'secret' and end the relationship)
In my quest to beat trich, I've learned that I need change the way my mind thinks about hair, not just deal with the behavior. Now that most of my eyelashes and eyebrows are back, I'm having trouble controlling the urges since apparently I try to justify pulling to myself - "it wont make a difference, no one will notice" or "it'll just be one and then I'll stop" or "if I don't pull that one, I'll focus on all of them and do real damage".
Once again I'm going to compare my situation to that of an alcoholic- I cant pull just that one time just like an alcoholic cant drink just that one drink. I dont know who I think i"m kidding and I don't want to be thinking like this since obviously, if I do, I'll never beat trich. So far I've been able to talk myself out of this terrible, pathetic justification but I cant let it take over.
I have to get it through my head that if I allow myself to pull one today, it becomes easier to pull one tomorrow and then it really will make a difference and people really will notice. Obviously I can pull them faster than they can grow back. I've made so much progress and no one wants to go backwards, but to do that, my next step has to be eliminating these thoughts from my head. I have finally gotten to a place where I am not always worried about people discovering my "trich secret". I've change my routines, my behavior, so many things that made pulling easier but now it's time to work on changing my thought process and not letting the bullshit rationales and justifications take over.
The battle continues........
Reason #24- relationship issues caused by trich (hard to really be close to someone when you are hesitant to often be physically close for fear that they will uncover your 'secret' and end the relationship)
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Checking in
There isnt much to report from the last few days. Besides my slip the other day I have been doing pretty well although I'm now convinced that when I'm during "that time of month" the urges become worse (not too shocking given the hormonal changes)- thankfully my time is almost up.
I've been definitely feeling an improvement in my overall self confidence- the other day I was sledding outside (bright lights) in the snow (precipitation which used to make makeup smudge) and standing very close to others (another big fear). It felt good to not be worried about keeping my boundaries and just to live in the moment and enjoy. I'm also wondering if this will help improve my "intimacy" issues since now I wont be afraid to be so physically close to someone. It certainly cant hurt.
I just booked a last minute vacation to visit some family in Florida next weekend which I'm hoping will de-stress me a bit and I plan on coming back and getting on a strict exercise/yoga schedule since we all know those things help reduce stress which can help reduce urges. I read somewhere this week that one of the keys to being a "highly effective person" is getting up early and getting some form of exercise each day so every day this week I've pushed my alarm clock back (or forward? i made it earlier) by 15 minutes each day with the goal being a 5:30am wake up and time for yoga or the gym every morning. My goal is not just getting my hair back and keeping it in the short term, but really continuing to focus on behavioral changes which I can keep in place for long term success.
On a side note, knowing how bad the urges have been this week, I bought bingo & crossword scratch off lotto tickets. They are $2 each and take longer than regular scratch offs to see if you win. I've found that when the urges get really bad, I'll pull out a lotto ticket and just keep my hands busy with them for a few minutes and usually, by the time I'm done, the urge is better (it also helps take my mind off the hair i want to pull). Just a suggestion but it's really helped get me through this week and while I've spent about $20 this week in scratch offs, I've already won back $15!
Reason #23- the fear of getting something in my eyes (which isnt hard when you have no lashes and live in NYC) and not being able to have someone else look into my eye and see where that something is (and the worry of whether it will mess up my make up and i wont have time to fix it before people notice).
I've been definitely feeling an improvement in my overall self confidence- the other day I was sledding outside (bright lights) in the snow (precipitation which used to make makeup smudge) and standing very close to others (another big fear). It felt good to not be worried about keeping my boundaries and just to live in the moment and enjoy. I'm also wondering if this will help improve my "intimacy" issues since now I wont be afraid to be so physically close to someone. It certainly cant hurt.
I just booked a last minute vacation to visit some family in Florida next weekend which I'm hoping will de-stress me a bit and I plan on coming back and getting on a strict exercise/yoga schedule since we all know those things help reduce stress which can help reduce urges. I read somewhere this week that one of the keys to being a "highly effective person" is getting up early and getting some form of exercise each day so every day this week I've pushed my alarm clock back (or forward? i made it earlier) by 15 minutes each day with the goal being a 5:30am wake up and time for yoga or the gym every morning. My goal is not just getting my hair back and keeping it in the short term, but really continuing to focus on behavioral changes which I can keep in place for long term success.
On a side note, knowing how bad the urges have been this week, I bought bingo & crossword scratch off lotto tickets. They are $2 each and take longer than regular scratch offs to see if you win. I've found that when the urges get really bad, I'll pull out a lotto ticket and just keep my hands busy with them for a few minutes and usually, by the time I'm done, the urge is better (it also helps take my mind off the hair i want to pull). Just a suggestion but it's really helped get me through this week and while I've spent about $20 this week in scratch offs, I've already won back $15!
Reason #23- the fear of getting something in my eyes (which isnt hard when you have no lashes and live in NYC) and not being able to have someone else look into my eye and see where that something is (and the worry of whether it will mess up my make up and i wont have time to fix it before people notice).
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Things dont always go as planned
Today I was planning on writing about all the good things from this past weekend. I was going to talk about how I faced off, and won, against bright lights, snow (rain), close encounters- so many things that normally i would have been self conscious about but this time around, with my new eyebrows and eyelashes, I was just happy.
But last night I pulled. Twice. I pulled two eyelashes from my right eye that were just a little higher up than the rest of my eyelashes and when I rubbed my fingers over my lashes, I couldnt stop focusing on them. I tried several of my methods to stop pulling- I got up and moved around, I played with my koosh ball thing, I tried reminding myself of why I didnt want to pull but it got the better of me. And looking back on last night I realize I didnt try hard enough. I convinced myself that they wouldnt be missed or even noticed because of all the other lashes. Not cool and I am not happy with the way I tried to rationalize this- such bullshit I'm trying to pull on myself.
On another blog I read the woman once admitted she slipped and then said she thought about lying about it on her blog. I did the same thing this morning but, like her, I refuse to lie to you or to myself. Once again I wish I could say that this struggle was getting easier, and in ways it is, but in many ways its just as hard as ever. We are like alcoholics or drug addicts- we cant have that first drink or just do "one line of coke" again and then go back to our substance -free existence. The pulling is our drug.
Yes, I'm proud of myself that I stopped after just 2, it shows that I have been working hard because now when I do slip and pull, at least I've been able to stop myself before doing serious damage. That said, I need to refocus and perhaps come up with some new ideas for dealing with urges....... I refuse to give up.
Reason #22- years of pictures that I hate to look at because of missing eyelashes/eyebrows and/or really bad make up when I tried to cover up my trich.
But last night I pulled. Twice. I pulled two eyelashes from my right eye that were just a little higher up than the rest of my eyelashes and when I rubbed my fingers over my lashes, I couldnt stop focusing on them. I tried several of my methods to stop pulling- I got up and moved around, I played with my koosh ball thing, I tried reminding myself of why I didnt want to pull but it got the better of me. And looking back on last night I realize I didnt try hard enough. I convinced myself that they wouldnt be missed or even noticed because of all the other lashes. Not cool and I am not happy with the way I tried to rationalize this- such bullshit I'm trying to pull on myself.
On another blog I read the woman once admitted she slipped and then said she thought about lying about it on her blog. I did the same thing this morning but, like her, I refuse to lie to you or to myself. Once again I wish I could say that this struggle was getting easier, and in ways it is, but in many ways its just as hard as ever. We are like alcoholics or drug addicts- we cant have that first drink or just do "one line of coke" again and then go back to our substance -free existence. The pulling is our drug.
Yes, I'm proud of myself that I stopped after just 2, it shows that I have been working hard because now when I do slip and pull, at least I've been able to stop myself before doing serious damage. That said, I need to refocus and perhaps come up with some new ideas for dealing with urges....... I refuse to give up.
Reason #22- years of pictures that I hate to look at because of missing eyelashes/eyebrows and/or really bad make up when I tried to cover up my trich.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Genetics
I know there are a lot of theories on why some people have trich and why other don't. Over the last few months I've been learning a lot about trich and speaking to friends and family about it for the first time. After learning how many members on my mom's side of the family suffer from trich to at least some degree, I find it hard to believe that there is no connection (at least in some cases).
This weekend my cousin from Florida was in town and at some point I brought up my trich. Once again I was shocked to learn that she never noticed I was missing eyebrows and eyelashes. And once again I was shocked to learn that she also pulls out eyebrow hair. She doesnt pull them all out but she confessed that she never uses tweezers or has to wax her eyebrows b/c she keeps them pretty thin and trim on her own.
So now the family that I know about that suffers from trich consists of:
1. My mom- pulled out her eyelashes for years
2. My aunt "B"(mom's sister)- pulls out her head hair when she is stressed
3. My cousin("B"s daughter)- pulls her eyebrow hairs
4. My great uncle (my moms uncle- her mothers brother)- we arent completely sure what he pulled but we know he at least pulled his head hair.
5. My second (?) cousin (great uncles granddaughter- not sure the exact relation)- pulled out all of her hair for decades.
While this may not seem like a ton of people- I have a pretty small family and these are only the ones I know about. Odd, huh? And so bizarre that most of us never realized others suffered from the same thing. It can't just be a coincidence.
>Reason #21- if trich can be genetic, I need to know how to stop so that I will be able to help my child and so he/she wont spent as much time suffering from this disease as I have.
This weekend my cousin from Florida was in town and at some point I brought up my trich. Once again I was shocked to learn that she never noticed I was missing eyebrows and eyelashes. And once again I was shocked to learn that she also pulls out eyebrow hair. She doesnt pull them all out but she confessed that she never uses tweezers or has to wax her eyebrows b/c she keeps them pretty thin and trim on her own.
So now the family that I know about that suffers from trich consists of:
1. My mom- pulled out her eyelashes for years
2. My aunt "B"(mom's sister)- pulls out her head hair when she is stressed
3. My cousin("B"s daughter)- pulls her eyebrow hairs
4. My great uncle (my moms uncle- her mothers brother)- we arent completely sure what he pulled but we know he at least pulled his head hair.
5. My second (?) cousin (great uncles granddaughter- not sure the exact relation)- pulled out all of her hair for decades.
While this may not seem like a ton of people- I have a pretty small family and these are only the ones I know about. Odd, huh? And so bizarre that most of us never realized others suffered from the same thing. It can't just be a coincidence.
>Reason #21- if trich can be genetic, I need to know how to stop so that I will be able to help my child and so he/she wont spent as much time suffering from this disease as I have.
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