Can you remember the day that you started pulling? Had you seen someone else pull? how did it start?
I can remember the first day even though it was 22 years ago when I was 8 years old. I dont remember a lot of specifics, like what made me pull that first one, but I do remember that I was sitting at a black desk in the living room of my old house doing homework and I pulled them all out. I remember being able to see the lashes even though they were black and somewhat faded into the color of the desk. It was one of those desks where it's more like a chest and you pull down a panel and it becomes a desk, do you know what I mean? I remember the hair being all over and part of me kind of liked it. Even then I knew it was something i wanted to keep secret and I recall being conscious of where everyone in the house was. I also remember blowing and wiping all the hair away when i was done with my homework and feeling slightly nervous and ashamed at what would happen next. What I didnt know was that it was the start of 22 years of shame and heartache, of insecurities and embarrassment.
There is a lot of random little thoughts about trich that I recall. For example, I remember my dad going away at some point - this is after my parents became aware of my pulling- and drawing a picture of my eyes and where all my eyelashes were. The point was so that he could compare whether or not I had pulled when he returned. I dont remember if I was punished when he returned as I'm sure I did pull but I remember feeling so embarassed and ashamed of the whole process.
I think that is the worst part of this disease- the shame. It makes us so insecure and shameful even though it's a disease and we have nothing to feel ashamed about. We can't help it. It's funny how you live with something for so long and build it up in your head but when others that love you find out, they dont think it's even half as big of a deal as we expected it to be. Maybe if more people knew about this disease and understood it we could eliminate the shame we all feel and really start tackling finding ways to beat it. I dont know. I just hope my own trich goes no further than 22 years- that is enough for me.
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I don't remember the day it started but my mom does. Her and my dad just thought it was something I'd grow out of. It wasn't until I was 19 that I realized that other people were suffering like me. So basically I spent 14 years feeling like a freak and feeling ashamed of who I was. It's such an awful thing.
ReplyDeleteI really love this post. I can't remember the first day I plucked. I remember that it started with my eyebrows. I told my mom that I had a problem, but she did not know what to do. She tried to help me the best way she knew how, but it did not work. I moved to my eyelashes eventually. It pains me to look at old photos and see eyes full of eyelashes and lovely dark eyebrows. No one in my family has ever spoken about the disease. I have never even said out loud that I have it. I know that everyone around me knows, but no one knows what to think so they never bring it up. I lay in bed at night and think "if I could just go back to that day it all started and stop myself." Oh, how my life would be different.
ReplyDeleteI love this post too. Oh, I remember the day so well. I was in my 6th grade classroom. I am going on 32 years of pulling.
ReplyDeleteI really admire that you are writing about this. I relate to so much of what you are saying.