I'm trying to get back on track which partly involves trying to figure out why I'm suddenly having such a hard time with trich again. Stress is definitely a factor. A few months ago I decided to start the process of leaving my job to go out on my own- that is a HUGE source of stress right now. I know it's the right decision and I'm trying to get everything lined up so that I generate an income as soon as possible, but it still scares the hell out of me. Giving up a paycheck in this economy? Very scary. Although I still have my job and am income, money is tight and I'm worried. Ultimately I'm hoping this decision will, in the long term, lead to a much larger income but in the interim, who knows. Sometimes I wake up at night and just worry. I'm sure that doesnt help. I have decided to pair up with a college friend so I know she is feeling the same way and I'm excited about the possibility, I just wish the stress didnt manifest itself in the form of pulling.
Also something that has bothered me lately is a new "relationship" i'm in. I have always had commitment issues and now is no exception. The new guy and I met in court (he was not a defendant fortunately) and things are going really well. He treats me so great and there are no games, so why do I freak out? This is going to make me sound like a jerk but part of my worry is his lack of job motivation- he comes from a VERY difficult background and has a great, steady job. But his job doesn't require any intellectual stimulation and he seems content to just stay where he is. It's not that I wish he had gone to college, I really respect how hard he has worked to get where he is, but I worry what we will have to talk about over the long haul. He doesn't like politics or current events (which I do) and he doesnt seem to have the motivation to succeed or advance his career like I do. Is this stupid? Am I being ridiculous? Shouldn't it be enough that we have fun together and he treats me well? Ugh. Maybe for type A people like myself we need someone that is more relaxed. I just hate the idea of hurting him when I know he really likes me and has been screwed over by life so much in the past. It's only been about 2 months so why am I even worried about this now?
Then last night I was introduced to my friend's (soon to be business partner) friend, a guy who on the surface is totally my type. He asked for my number at the end of the night, which I gave him, but then the guilt comes back. I never told the old guy we were "exclusive" but I'm pretty sure he thinks we are (despite saying lets just "see where this goes"). I shouldn't even worry since the guy from last night hasn't even asked me out but I do.
Is unnecessary stress a common thread for people with trich? Do we all worry about things we can't control and let it impact our battles with trich? I'm sorry that this post has been a bit rambling but obviously my personal life has a big impact on my trich so I guess I just need to get it out sometimes.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Clueless
I know it's been a while once again since I've posted on here and in part that is because I'm not really sure what to say.
It's been a tough month (or two) and honestly I am not doing great with trich these days. I think that is one of the most frustrating parts of this disease- just when you think you have finally figured it out and gotten a handle on it, it kicks your ass.
My eyebrows and eyelashes have once again gotten thinner and I'm back to being pretty self conscious about it, the difference now is that most of my friends already know so I'm not feeling quite as embarrassed and ashamed, nor am I investing as much time in covering it up.That said, I'm hating that it is summer and when I should be enjoying all the hard work of the last few months and swimming and being in the sun with no worries about my missing hair, I'm once against focused on it and inevitably my self esteem is taking a bit of a hit. It's such a vicious cycle.
Maybe it's because I'm not spending so much time on trich these days that I'm having such a tough time? Admittedly, I'm not posting or reviewing other sites like I used to. Now that most of my friends and family know (and not surprisingly few of them ever ask me about it- probably because they know its a sensitive issue) it's just not at the forefront of my mind like it was a few months ago. I don't know what to do, I know I have to keep fighting it, sometimes it's just so hard and frustrating.
It's been a tough month (or two) and honestly I am not doing great with trich these days. I think that is one of the most frustrating parts of this disease- just when you think you have finally figured it out and gotten a handle on it, it kicks your ass.
My eyebrows and eyelashes have once again gotten thinner and I'm back to being pretty self conscious about it, the difference now is that most of my friends already know so I'm not feeling quite as embarrassed and ashamed, nor am I investing as much time in covering it up.That said, I'm hating that it is summer and when I should be enjoying all the hard work of the last few months and swimming and being in the sun with no worries about my missing hair, I'm once against focused on it and inevitably my self esteem is taking a bit of a hit. It's such a vicious cycle.
Maybe it's because I'm not spending so much time on trich these days that I'm having such a tough time? Admittedly, I'm not posting or reviewing other sites like I used to. Now that most of my friends and family know (and not surprisingly few of them ever ask me about it- probably because they know its a sensitive issue) it's just not at the forefront of my mind like it was a few months ago. I don't know what to do, I know I have to keep fighting it, sometimes it's just so hard and frustrating.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Back on track, finally
As expected the last few days off have been incredibly helpful in getting me back on track with fighting my trich and I've been pull free for several days. Time at the beach has also been a great reminder as to why I cant stand not having eyebrows and eyelashes- the effort it takes to constantly make sure "everything" is perfectly covered up is exhausting.
Even though the bald spots are very small I'm still overly self conscious about it and have to make sure to carry my eyeliner and mascara everywhere. When I went swimming yesterday my first thought upon getting out of the water was how fast i could get to the bathroom and secretly check to make sure my make up was in tact. I hated every second that my focus went to trich. I missed the feeling of not having to worry about it now that I know how that feels. I miss the few months where I didnt have to worry about my eye make up smudging or my eyebrows being too short and incredibly thin. I want that back.
I'm also frustrated with how long it is taking everything to grow back. The worst is my left eyebrow which is too short after my last few weeks of pulling and filling it in with eyeliner and shadow is no longer cutting it, especially in the bright sun (and the fact it has been over a hundred degrees the last few days, causing me to sweat like crazy and then worry about the sweat impacting my make up also sucks). I just want my hair back and although I know I'm paying the price for my slips and its been a good reminder as to why I need to be more vigilant in my battle, its still frustrating.
At least my determination is back and I'm finally, finally refocused and ready to beat this stupid, awful disease.
Even though the bald spots are very small I'm still overly self conscious about it and have to make sure to carry my eyeliner and mascara everywhere. When I went swimming yesterday my first thought upon getting out of the water was how fast i could get to the bathroom and secretly check to make sure my make up was in tact. I hated every second that my focus went to trich. I missed the feeling of not having to worry about it now that I know how that feels. I miss the few months where I didnt have to worry about my eye make up smudging or my eyebrows being too short and incredibly thin. I want that back.
I'm also frustrated with how long it is taking everything to grow back. The worst is my left eyebrow which is too short after my last few weeks of pulling and filling it in with eyeliner and shadow is no longer cutting it, especially in the bright sun (and the fact it has been over a hundred degrees the last few days, causing me to sweat like crazy and then worry about the sweat impacting my make up also sucks). I just want my hair back and although I know I'm paying the price for my slips and its been a good reminder as to why I need to be more vigilant in my battle, its still frustrating.
At least my determination is back and I'm finally, finally refocused and ready to beat this stupid, awful disease.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Blah
I'm not sure what I have to report at this point- there have been good days and bad days. I'm not kicking trich's ass and it's not kicking mine. We are just dueling it out and sometimes I'm not sure who will win.
I still dont know why the last few weeks have been kind of sucky, I've been trying to pay attention to what is going on, what I'm eating, just general routine but I cant come up with much helpful information.
Starting this Friday I have about 10 days off- 10 days that I plan to relax, work on business stuff so I can really leave my job as planned, hang out with friends, hit the beach, just hang out. I cant recall the last time I stayed in town on a vacation and just caught up but I'm really looking forward to spending time with friends I dont get to see all that often. For a better part of the time off I'm going to try and stay at my parents, which is 8 more consecutive days then i've stayed there in about 4 years so we'll see how that goes. I love my parents but they can drive anyone crazy after 8 days (and i'm sure I'd drive them nuts too). I'm hoping that this time will also help with my trich- I tend not to pull as much when I'm not in my apartment and my mother does get on my case when I'm not doing well with it so hopefully that will be added motivation. Or perhaps that will cause me to only last 4 days and then head back to the city. We'll see.
I still dont know why the last few weeks have been kind of sucky, I've been trying to pay attention to what is going on, what I'm eating, just general routine but I cant come up with much helpful information.
Starting this Friday I have about 10 days off- 10 days that I plan to relax, work on business stuff so I can really leave my job as planned, hang out with friends, hit the beach, just hang out. I cant recall the last time I stayed in town on a vacation and just caught up but I'm really looking forward to spending time with friends I dont get to see all that often. For a better part of the time off I'm going to try and stay at my parents, which is 8 more consecutive days then i've stayed there in about 4 years so we'll see how that goes. I love my parents but they can drive anyone crazy after 8 days (and i'm sure I'd drive them nuts too). I'm hoping that this time will also help with my trich- I tend not to pull as much when I'm not in my apartment and my mother does get on my case when I'm not doing well with it so hopefully that will be added motivation. Or perhaps that will cause me to only last 4 days and then head back to the city. We'll see.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Weekly report
Things are definitely starting to improve but this morning I was confronted with the ugly reality that I still havent broken up with my tweezers. I have plenty of excuses why but that is all they are, excuses. I'm so self conscious of all the other little hairs that no one else would notice and yet that is the biggest excuse I keep telling myself- "I'm just waiting to get them out one more time and then I'll throw away the tweezers". Ha, we'll see.
Now is the perfect time to have all my eyelashes and eyebrows, it's summer (obviously) and there are more of my "reasons to stop" then ever- sun, bright lights, swimming, you name it. Oh, and there is the new guy. My eyes and eyebrows arent horrible but they arent fabulous either. With working out and doing pilates fairly regularly now to keep my anxiety low, I'm starting to feel a lot better and I want to look how I feel. The next step for me is also giving up my couple cigarettes a day a habit in which I disgust myself. July 1 is the date for quitting that horrible habit.
Sadly I think one of the biggest driving factors behind quitting smoking and getting my trich back under control is the effect this will all one day have on my aging process. I've already noticed the wrinkles that have been forming on my forehead b/c I constantly scrunch my forehead when I'm feeling my eyelashes and eyebrows. It's such a vicious cycle. I dont want to be one of those people who is 50 and looks 85. No thank you. So maybe being a little vain in this situation is a good thing. I'm getting ready for the big 30th bday which I'm actually very excited about and continuing to work on setting new goals and evaluating where I can improve in my life, with one of my top priorities being to continue my struggle to beat trich.
Anyway, this was a little bit of a random post but I guess it helps just to get all my thoughts down and the last few weeks have been so busy that I havent had the most organized thought process anyway. I hope anyone reading this is doing well with their own struggles with trich, stay strong, it's a new day (and a really, really hot day!)
Now is the perfect time to have all my eyelashes and eyebrows, it's summer (obviously) and there are more of my "reasons to stop" then ever- sun, bright lights, swimming, you name it. Oh, and there is the new guy. My eyes and eyebrows arent horrible but they arent fabulous either. With working out and doing pilates fairly regularly now to keep my anxiety low, I'm starting to feel a lot better and I want to look how I feel. The next step for me is also giving up my couple cigarettes a day a habit in which I disgust myself. July 1 is the date for quitting that horrible habit.
Sadly I think one of the biggest driving factors behind quitting smoking and getting my trich back under control is the effect this will all one day have on my aging process. I've already noticed the wrinkles that have been forming on my forehead b/c I constantly scrunch my forehead when I'm feeling my eyelashes and eyebrows. It's such a vicious cycle. I dont want to be one of those people who is 50 and looks 85. No thank you. So maybe being a little vain in this situation is a good thing. I'm getting ready for the big 30th bday which I'm actually very excited about and continuing to work on setting new goals and evaluating where I can improve in my life, with one of my top priorities being to continue my struggle to beat trich.
Anyway, this was a little bit of a random post but I guess it helps just to get all my thoughts down and the last few weeks have been so busy that I havent had the most organized thought process anyway. I hope anyone reading this is doing well with their own struggles with trich, stay strong, it's a new day (and a really, really hot day!)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Dear tweezers, I think we need to break up
Dear tweezers:
For a long time now I have depended on you. You have been there when I've been anxious and you have helped me indulge in my hair addiction for as long as I can remember. When you are not around I begin to panic. I rely on you. You help me get out those tiny little hairs, no matter where they are, that I cant get out on my own. You are almost like an extension of my hand at this point- like Edward Scissorhands or something but in tweezer form.
As much as you have been there for me over the years I think we need to break up. This has become an extremely unhealthy relationship. You make it too easy for me to continue my obsession with miscellaneous hairs. After we spend time together I usually feel terrible and yet I keep coming back again and again. I know I need to stop seeing you and yet it causes me anxiety to think of all the places that little hairs will appear that I will not be able to control- like the ones on my chest and near my belly button- I despise having those hairs and you have helped me with them time and time again.
If I am ever going to win my battle with trich and lead a healthy and happy life then I need to let you go. It's not you, it's me. I dont know how to keep you around without it ultimately hurting me. So today I'm going to summon the strength to say goodbye. I already feel the panic rising in me but I know it's for the best. Like every relationship that ends, I know it is going to be hard for a long time but I'm hoping that a better, positive relationship will come along. We've had a good run but it's just time to let go.
Your now-ex,
Kim
For a long time now I have depended on you. You have been there when I've been anxious and you have helped me indulge in my hair addiction for as long as I can remember. When you are not around I begin to panic. I rely on you. You help me get out those tiny little hairs, no matter where they are, that I cant get out on my own. You are almost like an extension of my hand at this point- like Edward Scissorhands or something but in tweezer form.
As much as you have been there for me over the years I think we need to break up. This has become an extremely unhealthy relationship. You make it too easy for me to continue my obsession with miscellaneous hairs. After we spend time together I usually feel terrible and yet I keep coming back again and again. I know I need to stop seeing you and yet it causes me anxiety to think of all the places that little hairs will appear that I will not be able to control- like the ones on my chest and near my belly button- I despise having those hairs and you have helped me with them time and time again.
If I am ever going to win my battle with trich and lead a healthy and happy life then I need to let you go. It's not you, it's me. I dont know how to keep you around without it ultimately hurting me. So today I'm going to summon the strength to say goodbye. I already feel the panic rising in me but I know it's for the best. Like every relationship that ends, I know it is going to be hard for a long time but I'm hoping that a better, positive relationship will come along. We've had a good run but it's just time to let go.
Your now-ex,
Kim
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Moving on
Last week was not a good week for me. While I posted about picking up and moving on with my slips, it just didnt quite work out that way. I just couldnt get myself to stop pulling. I would be sitting down, have an urge, remove my hand from up by my eyes and breath, telling myself all the reasons that I didnt want to pull. I would think that the urge had passed and literally as soon as I stopped the mental chats with myself, I would go right back to pulling, barely missing a beat.
I wish there was some big stresser, some event I could point to and say "that was the source of my pulling" but I cant. It was an average, ordinary week. I've been casually seeing this really nice guy who works in the courthouse, family and work life is the same, I had a great weekend and week seeing friends- I just cant explain it.
The damage has been done. About half of my left eyebrow is gone and now has to be penciled in again which I hate more than I've ever hated it. The eyelashes on my left eyelid are fairly thin with tiny spots where I'm missing eyelashes altogether. The right eyebrow and eyelashes fared a bit better but they have also been thinned out. I was so angry with myself but now I'm over it. Its the consequence for my slip and I have to deal with it.
This week has already been better but I've stepped up my efforts big time. For the last few days I have been working out in the morning for a solid 30 minutes and then doing pilates or yoga when I get home. I'm cutting out most of the junk food (still cant get rid of my need for some cookies or chocolate each day). I'm also reading a book called the Happiness Project which has kind of been inspiring me to get my life back on track and figure out what I really want. Sometimes I think I really need to stop and be introspective, figure out a new direction or hobby to fulfill. While I wouldnt say I'm unhappy at this stage of my life, I definitely benefit from trying to improve my life now and figure out how to be a calmer, more balanced, happier person in the future and I'm hoping that spills over into my battle with trich.
For now it's back to court where I'm finishing up a bench trial (hopefully) and immediately beginning a new trial for my client that I truly believe is innocent and being wrongfully accused. Wish me luck! (and good luck to anyone reading that I'm sure can relate to the ups and downs of trich!)
I wish there was some big stresser, some event I could point to and say "that was the source of my pulling" but I cant. It was an average, ordinary week. I've been casually seeing this really nice guy who works in the courthouse, family and work life is the same, I had a great weekend and week seeing friends- I just cant explain it.
The damage has been done. About half of my left eyebrow is gone and now has to be penciled in again which I hate more than I've ever hated it. The eyelashes on my left eyelid are fairly thin with tiny spots where I'm missing eyelashes altogether. The right eyebrow and eyelashes fared a bit better but they have also been thinned out. I was so angry with myself but now I'm over it. Its the consequence for my slip and I have to deal with it.
This week has already been better but I've stepped up my efforts big time. For the last few days I have been working out in the morning for a solid 30 minutes and then doing pilates or yoga when I get home. I'm cutting out most of the junk food (still cant get rid of my need for some cookies or chocolate each day). I'm also reading a book called the Happiness Project which has kind of been inspiring me to get my life back on track and figure out what I really want. Sometimes I think I really need to stop and be introspective, figure out a new direction or hobby to fulfill. While I wouldnt say I'm unhappy at this stage of my life, I definitely benefit from trying to improve my life now and figure out how to be a calmer, more balanced, happier person in the future and I'm hoping that spills over into my battle with trich.
For now it's back to court where I'm finishing up a bench trial (hopefully) and immediately beginning a new trial for my client that I truly believe is innocent and being wrongfully accused. Wish me luck! (and good luck to anyone reading that I'm sure can relate to the ups and downs of trich!)
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