Recognizing triggers as the countdown continues

This week I am focusing on recognizing my triggers as I prepare for January 1. For anyone who doesnt know what a trigger is for someone with trich, it's basically a feeling or situation that "triggers" you to you pull out your hair. I think I'm past the point of having an emotional trigger since it really doesnt matter if I'm happy, sad, angry or excited- I just do it.

Yesterday I realized that there are really only three times/situations where the urges become overwhelming- when I'm reading, watching TV, or about to get into the shower. Obviously those are three situations i cant avoid for the rest of my life so the trick is going to be changing the routine. During the day I've found that if I'm watching TV I can just go on the computer or read a magazine at the same time and it seems to be very helpful. The reading is really an issue at night before I go to bed and inevitably I find my hand reaching up to stroke the eyelashes or eyebrows I have left- carefully feeling for any hairs that seem "out of place" or thicker, more crooked, shorter, than the rest. I can use any excuse to convince myself that the hair just doesnt belong, that it must come out. And it does. For someone that has the disease, they will know that this isnt just an ordinary feeling or urge, its stronger than that. The only thing I can possibly equate it to is walking through the desert for days with no water- the feeling one must have upon seeing water, that they MUST drink it, thats how I feel. i MUST pull them out.

I've tried making lists, I've tried stopping myself and remembering all the reasons I dont want to give in to the urge, and sometimes it works. But the urge comes back, sometimes even seconds later I will find myself stroking the hairs again. Again I will tell myself that there is literally no good that will come out of pulling the hair, that I will feel ugly and alone, that I will continue to feel uncomfortable in most social situations, but I will do it anyway.

So today I am just going to brainstorm, to think of ways that I can change each one of my routines. I am not going to stop today, I'm not even going to try. I'm going to use this week as my final countdown, as a time to really focus on my behavior, recognize what I'm doing, and once again remind myself of all the reasons why I want to stop. Last night I pulled 4 hairs from my eyebrows and 1 eyelash. All in all, not even close to the worst damage I've done but again, this has got to end. Not only do I want to beat this thing, I NEED to. Now I just need to figure out exactly how I'm going to do that......