This year, like every year for the past 20+ years, I will resolve to beat my battle with trich. I will tell myself that this will be the last year but deep down I dont even believe it. Actually, not even that deep down, it's almost become a joke. But this time I am going to try something different. This time I am going to try to write about my battle, to share my story with anyone who wants to listen, so this year my resolution isnt going to be just about beating my battle but opening up about it. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to not just tell people (which I never do) but I'm going to take pictures and force myself to address the reality of this situation for probably the first time. Maybe this time I can beat it.
I remember exactly where I was the first time I started pulling out my hair. I was in third grade and sitting at a desk in my parents living room and I just went to town. I couldnt tell you why it started but I just sat there and pulled out every last one of my eyelashes. Little did I know that that very day would come to define my life for the next 22 years. This year I will turn 30. It's been a long, difficult decade and there is something about the idea of beginning a brand new decade, along with the age change, that makes me want to come clean and fight this thing. These days I pull out my eyelashes, my eyebrows, pretty much any hair that isnt on my head (b/c that would just be too much apparently). I've become an expert in makeup and excuses for why I have no hair. I've mastered the art of not letting anyone get to close to me because I'm so ashamed of what I do and embarassed by what they will see.
My family knows about my struggle with trich but they stopped talking about it long ago- it's a taboo subject really. I try and tell myself that my friends dont know (since I've only come out and told maybe 2 or 3 of them the truth) but thats probably yet another lie I've managed to tell myself. How could they not know? They must be able to see, right? So why cant I bring myself to tell them? Am I afraid that they will think less of me or that this will ruin my image as the one who has it all together? How together do I really have it? I'm single (although recently started seeing a new fabulous guy) and I'm okay with being single, I have a great job, amazing family and friends, perfect little apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan- how can this one thing define my entire life and overshadow all of my life's accomplishments? But it does........
So this year I want to be honest. Whether I can help someone else or maybe just help myself, I want to open up about my story, who I am, and how I am going to beat this thing. I've tried websites, gloves, changing habits, therapy, you name it, I've probably tried it. But I've never been honest about this disease. I've never showed anyone a picture of myself without make up on. Okay, so maybe I'm not really ready for anyone to see my face just yet but I'm going to work on that. Right now I have a few eyelashes (the bottoms are pretty good but the tops lashes are all but gone) and my eyebrows are pencil thin. This is my starting point.
Promises I am making to myself:
1. I will be honest, brutally honest, I will confess when I have slipped, what I have pulled and at some point in the near future, I will post pictures of my eyes documenting progress.
2. I wont make excuses or apologies (after this). This is my story and by no means is my method or any statements I make meant to offend anyone but I am primarily doing this to try and help myself. At least for now. So if in the process something I say offends anyone (if anyone even reads this), I apologize in advance. I am extremely sarcastic and opinionated so I am putting this in just to cover all bases so there are no surprises.
3. I will commit to writing in this blog at least 3 times a week.
4. I will come to terms with all aspects of this disease- I will finally own up to it with my friends, I will document all the things that have eaten at me for the last 22 years as a result so that I can see just how bad this "monster" is and have no reason to continue making excuses in my head. Maybe by writing it down I will force myself to see the reality of my situation and deal with it.
That's it for now. That's what I'm going to commit to and I hope that in the process of all this I can finally feel good about myself again, to come to terms with the fact that this monster does not define who I am and that it will not control me anymore. I am done with it, I have no use for trich anymore- it has controlled my life for 22 years and I want my life back now.
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I know it might hard to believe people when they say this, but I do understand what you have been through. I have had trich for about 4 years. Not nearly as long as you have, but I still think I can understand what you're going through.
ReplyDeleteIt started randomly, I had no excuse. Maybe it was an accident, but one day one of my hairs came out of my head. As soon as I saw that hair follicle, this flame of curiosity started burning. I kept pulling and pulling all night. I remember I was watching Wimbledon at the time (some romantic comedy movie about tennis). I've come to hate the movie to this day.
I do know that my mom has a more subtle version of trich. She only pulls out her eyelashes but never enough so that they are all gone. You can barely notice it, but if you look close enough there are still some bare spots under all that mascara.
Since I was little I have pulled my eyelashes out, like my mother, but then I moved on to my eyebrows and head. I can easily stop pulling my eyebrows but the hair on my eyelashes is a tad harder to control and the hair on my head is harder by a landslide.
Time and time again I have told myself that I WILL stop and that this is finally the time that I will pull my last hair. But that just makes everything harder. I say to myself I will pull one last strand of hair to have some "closure". Once that one strand comes off my head, I keep pulling and pulling for maybe hours.
I even stopped for a whole year. That's the worst feeling ever. Knowing that feeling of freedom and independence. I no longer had to rely on my hair pulling to get me through the day, and then just at the tip of success I just sunk back down to rock bottom. Now I don't have any bald spots like I used to, I don't even have to wear a bandana, but amidst my long wavy caramel locks there are slight inconsistencies, little specks of hair that are shorter than others.
And I'm sorry for such a long post, but I really felt the need to tell someone what's happening, whether it's a stranger or a close friend. I just can't feel I can tell anyone about my relapse after going so long without pulling...
But I've decided that since this year it is a new decade, I should get myself together. This new decade is life giving me a new chance to succeed. If it was my last day, would I want my head to look like this? No. Would I want to depend on hair-pulling to make me feel good? No.
I think you're so brave and I wish you the absolute BEST of luck! Thanks for sharing your story. I really hope that you succeed. Good luck.
I completely understand what you are going through because I am too. I have been pulling since I was in 6th grade and I am now 22 years old. Its so crazy because just one day I had an itch at the top of my forehead where my hair line started and instead of just scratching it I just pulled out a chunk of hair and from then on I just kept going.
ReplyDeleteOnce my mother finally noticed that I had a few bald spots she took me to a dermatologist. I was to embarrased to actually admit to her that I was the one pulling my hair out that I let the doctor take a biopsy of my scalp (Ouch! Still have a scar!).. which in weeks time showed that I had no medical problem. So the doctor told her about Trichotillomania and she approached me so I admitted to it while fully in tears.I didnt understand it back then and I still dont understand it now!
So when I was in 7th grade I just pulled back my hair and stuck about 8 hair clips in it which looked extremely tacky so I really didnt have any friends.. because who wants to be friends with a girl who gets made fun of all he time?? By the time I was in 8th grade I had a hairpiece (which wasnt a full wig b/c I had some of my hair but was pretty much the same thing)and every day I came home crying b/c once I would get on the bus this guy named jessie would always try to pull it off in front of everyone and I just felt like I was a freak!
Will write more tomorrow but I'm tired :)
ReplyDeleteI found your blog by doing a search for people who had beat Trich. I'm desperate to find hope that I can beat this. I'm 28 and I've had Trich since I was 2. Only, I didn't know what I had until I saw Opera do a show on it. My mom and sister both suffer from small bouts of Trich but mine is so much worse. It's mostly my eyelashes but just last year I started on my eyebrows and just a few months ago I started on my scalp. I feel like a failure that I can't get control of this. I also feel very very alone. I can't talk to my family or my boyfriend about it because it's an awkward subject and taboo. My boyfriend is wonderful and never makes me feel ugly but I know he's concerned when I catch him looking at my eyes. I'm tired of my Trich controlling every aspect of my life and I'm tired of feeling ugly all the time with no eyelashes. I'm tired of having to wear makeup all the time to hide it. After all these years, it's worn me down but I'm not willing to give up yet. It's comforting to find this blog and hopefully seeing your progress will help me in some way since I'm too much of a chicken to put myself out there. I wish I was brave like you.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your comments- I hate that we all feel so alone and embarrassed by something that we have really no control over. I'm just hoping this blog will allow me to try new things and meet new people and that through all of that we will all find a way to beat this thing and support one another! Please feel free to write me anytime. I dont feel very brave, I'm just also not ready to give up yet and am sick of feeling so out of control- a feeling it seems like everyone with the same struggle shares. Again, I cant tell you how much I appreciate the support. Thank you and good luck- I would love to be kept posted of everyones progress!
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI replied to you on the trich forum. I'm the "hiding" person. Your blog and the other person's blog have encouraged me to create my own. I hope you'll also read mine. :)
Good luck!
Once again I have a large bald spot on the left side that I am having difficulty covering up. The thing I hate the most about my trich is that I eat the hair as well....disgusting I know. Does anyone else do this??
ReplyDeleteHi Judy, I hope you dont think that you are alone. While I do not digest the hair I pull, I've learned that at least 10% of people with trich (depending on the source) have this habitual ritual after they pull the hair. I'm also on a yahoo support group, which I found off the trich.org website, and there are many people who also digest the hair.
ReplyDeleteAs for the bald spot- have you tried talking to your hair dresser or finding a hair dresser that is familiar with trich and can maybe give you some helpful tips. I recently told my colorist (which i know can be very uncomfortable) and she was incredibly supportive and said she'd be willing to help anyone with tips or suggestions (but shes in NYC). Perhaps you can find someone near you that can offer the same helpful tips? Good luck and remember, you are not alone!
Hi..
ReplyDeleteYour blog has really given me the courage to document my hair pulling habit as well..
I started showing symptoms around 8th grade.. now im 20.. final yr engg..
the worst thing.. there had been times wher i was able to will myself, well curse myself to stop, and i would forget about puling for months... but once i realise my scalp is fully healed. the urge returns..
with a vengeance. so in a week Im back on square one.
I know my problem is related to stress..
Exams bring the worst in me...
Reading any topic which makes no sense to me the yanking starts.
I have to wear a scarf over my head to stop my self yanking at it.
Even fighting with a friend make my fingers itch.
I have even resorted to taking stress relieving pills,but my parents hid it when they found out.
yea its kinda taboo In my house to talk about my Trich.
Its getting worse.. I had a nervous break down in front of my parents, with me crying that I need help.
And it sucks trying to hide... Trich is not known at all from where I come from..
Please yes I need hair suggestions too..
:)
Wow, just found your blog. I thought all my life, that I was the only one with Trichotillomania. I am 52 yrs old and don't remember when I started pulling my eyebrows & eyelashes (as well as other private areas). I just know that I have always done this. My family has always known too. When I was a child, teasing me while I was in the bathroom "Stop picking!". God, how I hated that. I've now accepted this part of me. And have even written about it on my blog as well. ~~ http://tomorrowsrainbow.blogspot.com ~~ Thank you for bringing your story & struggles to the forefront here.
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