Last week was not a good week for me. While I posted about picking up and moving on with my slips, it just didnt quite work out that way. I just couldnt get myself to stop pulling. I would be sitting down, have an urge, remove my hand from up by my eyes and breath, telling myself all the reasons that I didnt want to pull. I would think that the urge had passed and literally as soon as I stopped the mental chats with myself, I would go right back to pulling, barely missing a beat.
I wish there was some big stresser, some event I could point to and say "that was the source of my pulling" but I cant. It was an average, ordinary week. I've been casually seeing this really nice guy who works in the courthouse, family and work life is the same, I had a great weekend and week seeing friends- I just cant explain it.
The damage has been done. About half of my left eyebrow is gone and now has to be penciled in again which I hate more than I've ever hated it. The eyelashes on my left eyelid are fairly thin with tiny spots where I'm missing eyelashes altogether. The right eyebrow and eyelashes fared a bit better but they have also been thinned out. I was so angry with myself but now I'm over it. Its the consequence for my slip and I have to deal with it.
This week has already been better but I've stepped up my efforts big time. For the last few days I have been working out in the morning for a solid 30 minutes and then doing pilates or yoga when I get home. I'm cutting out most of the junk food (still cant get rid of my need for some cookies or chocolate each day). I'm also reading a book called the Happiness Project which has kind of been inspiring me to get my life back on track and figure out what I really want. Sometimes I think I really need to stop and be introspective, figure out a new direction or hobby to fulfill. While I wouldnt say I'm unhappy at this stage of my life, I definitely benefit from trying to improve my life now and figure out how to be a calmer, more balanced, happier person in the future and I'm hoping that spills over into my battle with trich.
For now it's back to court where I'm finishing up a bench trial (hopefully) and immediately beginning a new trial for my client that I truly believe is innocent and being wrongfully accused. Wish me luck! (and good luck to anyone reading that I'm sure can relate to the ups and downs of trich!)
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Day by day
I went home from work last night with the best of intentions. All was going well until I finally sat down to watch TV and within 10 minutes I had pulled one. "It's just one, I wont even be able to tell." The rationalization is almost disturbing, trich is literally an addiction and I have to stop.
Sometimes i will find an eyelash to focus on (not even when looking in the mirror) and I will just rub it back and forth between my fingers, convincing myself that if it falls out "on its own" then it doesnt really count. Ha.
Well today I forced myself to get up early (which I'd also been slacking off on) and work out, I"m back to limiting sweet foods and caffeine and I'm just going to keep on trying.
About two weeks ago I had contacted someone from a NYC support group- apparently they meet once a week and it's not that far from my apartment. I got the information but for some reason I just cant bring myself to go.... maybe thats the final step I need to make to confront this disease? Maybe facing people in person will make this easier? Just not sure I'm ready, even after all this time.......
Sometimes i will find an eyelash to focus on (not even when looking in the mirror) and I will just rub it back and forth between my fingers, convincing myself that if it falls out "on its own" then it doesnt really count. Ha.
Well today I forced myself to get up early (which I'd also been slacking off on) and work out, I"m back to limiting sweet foods and caffeine and I'm just going to keep on trying.
About two weeks ago I had contacted someone from a NYC support group- apparently they meet once a week and it's not that far from my apartment. I got the information but for some reason I just cant bring myself to go.... maybe thats the final step I need to make to confront this disease? Maybe facing people in person will make this easier? Just not sure I'm ready, even after all this time.......
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
One more post today- New Developments
For the last few months I have been following another blogger who shared this information recently on possible developments in trich research- for anyone who may not also follow her blog, I wanted to share with you: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=10947928
Her blog, which I have found very helpful reading (and relating to) in my own 'quest' to beat trich, can be found at: http://trappedbytrich.blogspot.com/
Her blog, which I have found very helpful reading (and relating to) in my own 'quest' to beat trich, can be found at: http://trappedbytrich.blogspot.com/
And I'm back
I'm sorry for the hiatus- I'm not sure what has been going on with me but I've been in a little bit of a rut the last few weeks and trich is taking full advantage of me. While my eyelashes and eyebrows are more or less in tact (although the right eyebrow is looking way to thin), I have slipped probably more times than I remember and I know I need to get back on the ball before it gets any worse.
I could probably make a hundred excuses for why I'm not doing well but the truth is nothing is too out of the ordinary so I dont really know. My job is certainly sucking the life out of me but yet I have also been slacking off in moving forward with my business plan. Social life is going well and I'm loving the spring/summer weather but I just have to get motivated again.
Today is a new day. Time to refocus and begin moving forward again- it's so easy to get stuck in a rut, come up with excuses and rationalize behavior, but at the end of the day I'm only hurting myself. It's time to rally again.
I could probably make a hundred excuses for why I'm not doing well but the truth is nothing is too out of the ordinary so I dont really know. My job is certainly sucking the life out of me but yet I have also been slacking off in moving forward with my business plan. Social life is going well and I'm loving the spring/summer weather but I just have to get motivated again.
Today is a new day. Time to refocus and begin moving forward again- it's so easy to get stuck in a rut, come up with excuses and rationalize behavior, but at the end of the day I'm only hurting myself. It's time to rally again.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
A better week
My weekend slip forced me to do some serious reflecting on my progress and I think I've gotten myself back in gear and am now moving forward. I have not given into the urges and pulled (from anywhere) since the weekend. I attribute part of my success to getting back into the routine I set up about 6 weeks back- I've been waking up early (6am- just cant do much earlier)and working out, drinking less coffee (not a LOT less, but less), eating a bit healthier (less processed sugars), etc.
I have to admit that there is something about waking up early that really seems to help. It sets the tone for the whole day by giving me a chance to start my day off more relaxed and then, by the time I get home, I'm exhausted and spend less time in "compromising" situations where I'm more inclined to pull.
Another thing that really helps is the face washing routine. I recently decided to add to my regular routine and splurged on this expensive exfoliating treatment by Kate Somerville called "Exfolikate" that is significantly more than I would ever normally spend on beauty products (I promise that I have ZERO affiliation with this product so this isn't a bad plug or anything- http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P232915&categoryId=C20650). You put it on your face twice a week for about 30 seconds and it literally tingles and stings all at the same time and then leaves your skin SOO soft. My skin/pores have cleared up dramatically and after I use it, especially since its so expensive, I never want to touch my face b/c I don't want to waste the product!
The last thing I've added to the mix was a Rubix cube- yup, you read it right. I was at a friends a few weeks ago and we were splitting a bottle of wine (ok, a couple bottles) when I noticed he had a Rubix cube on his coffee table. I picked it up and was distracted for the next two hours, trying to beat that damn toy. When I was in Barnes and Noble last week I noticed they had one for $10 so I decided that if it helped me keep my hands busy, it was worth the $10. It's been pretty helpful although I will admit that I get so frustrated by the damn thing that my focus isn't quite what it was when I a bit liquored up.
Anyway, that is the update on the last few days. Hopefully I can keep up the progress!
I have to admit that there is something about waking up early that really seems to help. It sets the tone for the whole day by giving me a chance to start my day off more relaxed and then, by the time I get home, I'm exhausted and spend less time in "compromising" situations where I'm more inclined to pull.
Another thing that really helps is the face washing routine. I recently decided to add to my regular routine and splurged on this expensive exfoliating treatment by Kate Somerville called "Exfolikate" that is significantly more than I would ever normally spend on beauty products (I promise that I have ZERO affiliation with this product so this isn't a bad plug or anything- http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P232915&categoryId=C20650). You put it on your face twice a week for about 30 seconds and it literally tingles and stings all at the same time and then leaves your skin SOO soft. My skin/pores have cleared up dramatically and after I use it, especially since its so expensive, I never want to touch my face b/c I don't want to waste the product!
The last thing I've added to the mix was a Rubix cube- yup, you read it right. I was at a friends a few weeks ago and we were splitting a bottle of wine (ok, a couple bottles) when I noticed he had a Rubix cube on his coffee table. I picked it up and was distracted for the next two hours, trying to beat that damn toy. When I was in Barnes and Noble last week I noticed they had one for $10 so I decided that if it helped me keep my hands busy, it was worth the $10. It's been pretty helpful although I will admit that I get so frustrated by the damn thing that my focus isn't quite what it was when I a bit liquored up.
Anyway, that is the update on the last few days. Hopefully I can keep up the progress!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Lost Love
Yesterday I "rediscovered" my love of eyebrow hair. Those hairs that feel longer and curvier than the rest, particularly the ones closest to my ears ( not that my eyebrows extend to my ears but you get the idea) that just have a certain feel to them that others do not. They come in quicker than other hairs seem to and end up growing longer. The feel of pulling them is not like the other hairs- it's easy yet satisfying. Unfortunately damage can be done so quickly b/c they are so easy to grab a hold of and pull out.
I spent the weekend mostly outside enjoying the weather with friends and there was nothing particularly stressful going on. Yet yesterday morning, as I sat in bed finishing my coffee, checking email and watching Meet the Press, I reconnected with these tempting hairs. Once I pulled one, and at the time it felt as though there were plenty, I just pulled and pulled, knowing full well what I was doing but not caring about the consequences.
Then I looked in the mirror and half of my left eyebrow, just the left, was gone. I should have known this was coming as my weekly "trimming" has gone a little overboard (although I didnt really notice or address this until yesterday). Everything else, fortunately, remained in tact. I'm not going to lie- it felt so good pulling those hairs. For the few minutes it took me to do damage that will take weeks to repair, it was so comforting. Yet, as you know, once you are done or finally stop yourself, the guilt and shame and anxiety kick in. Back to trying to draw in my eyebrows, to making sure it's covered up and as unlikely to be noticed as possible. It sucks. And the sucky part will last a few weeks while the good part only lasted a few minutes. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can't we remember that the good part only lasts a few minutes? (and for those of you that watch The Office, this would be a perfect question calling for the "thats what she said" response- sorry, couldnt resist).
So now its time to pick back up and move on. Maybe this will be the reminder, the kick in the ass, that I needed. Still, this just sucks.
I spent the weekend mostly outside enjoying the weather with friends and there was nothing particularly stressful going on. Yet yesterday morning, as I sat in bed finishing my coffee, checking email and watching Meet the Press, I reconnected with these tempting hairs. Once I pulled one, and at the time it felt as though there were plenty, I just pulled and pulled, knowing full well what I was doing but not caring about the consequences.
Then I looked in the mirror and half of my left eyebrow, just the left, was gone. I should have known this was coming as my weekly "trimming" has gone a little overboard (although I didnt really notice or address this until yesterday). Everything else, fortunately, remained in tact. I'm not going to lie- it felt so good pulling those hairs. For the few minutes it took me to do damage that will take weeks to repair, it was so comforting. Yet, as you know, once you are done or finally stop yourself, the guilt and shame and anxiety kick in. Back to trying to draw in my eyebrows, to making sure it's covered up and as unlikely to be noticed as possible. It sucks. And the sucky part will last a few weeks while the good part only lasted a few minutes. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can't we remember that the good part only lasts a few minutes? (and for those of you that watch The Office, this would be a perfect question calling for the "thats what she said" response- sorry, couldnt resist).
So now its time to pick back up and move on. Maybe this will be the reminder, the kick in the ass, that I needed. Still, this just sucks.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Hypocrisy
Two weeks ago, when I was in Chicago, my family had rented a van to cart everyone back and forth to the hotel. When I was getting into the van (i think it was the morning of day 2) I noticed fingernail clippings all over the floor by one of the seats. At the time, I wasnt sure if it was someones or if the van was never cleaned from the last people so I asked those in the car (i get really grossed out by stuff like this)- my sister, aunt, cousin, parents- whether anyone had been biting their nails or noticed the clippings. No one said anything.
About an hour later my sister approached me and she was pissed. She said it was wrong for me to ask in front of everyone since I knew she bit her nails (i honestly didn't know it was her) and that she would never have done that to me with my trich. I was really caught off guard because I really hadn't even given it any thought- in my mind, fingernail biting is so common and nothing to be embarrassed about (although I would LOVE if people on the subway stopped clipping their nails in crowded cars- I find that so disgusting). She was right though- I would have been mortified if she had done that to me and I should have been more considerate.
Sometimes its easy to get wrapped up in thinking that trich is so unusual from other habits that only we are ashamed and embarrassed. The truth is, everyone has their own form of trich- something they might do or a habit they may have that they don't want to publicize. Just like we hope people won't judge us, we (or I) should be more thoughtful and empathetic- its true that you just don't know what life is like in anther's shoes.
About an hour later my sister approached me and she was pissed. She said it was wrong for me to ask in front of everyone since I knew she bit her nails (i honestly didn't know it was her) and that she would never have done that to me with my trich. I was really caught off guard because I really hadn't even given it any thought- in my mind, fingernail biting is so common and nothing to be embarrassed about (although I would LOVE if people on the subway stopped clipping their nails in crowded cars- I find that so disgusting). She was right though- I would have been mortified if she had done that to me and I should have been more considerate.
Sometimes its easy to get wrapped up in thinking that trich is so unusual from other habits that only we are ashamed and embarrassed. The truth is, everyone has their own form of trich- something they might do or a habit they may have that they don't want to publicize. Just like we hope people won't judge us, we (or I) should be more thoughtful and empathetic- its true that you just don't know what life is like in anther's shoes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
