My very own unsolved mystery

Last night I once again went to battle with my eyebrows. Just the end of both the right and left (and by end I mean the brow part closest to my nose). I dont really know why I pulled but I know I really didnt want to stop. It just felt good. The satisfaction of grabbing the long and short hairs that were there, pulling them from their roots, just felt good. Too bad the result isnt good as my eyebrows now start about 1/4 inch from where they should start (maybe less, i have no idea about distance). Either way, there is definite damage.

I still dont want to pull my eyelashes, its just not as satisfying. But my eyebrows, when I pull the eyebrow hair it is a different sensation. I can almost hear the snapping sound as they get pulled from the skin. I wish I could pinpoint what it is about the pulling that I enjoy so much but I do. It's my drug. I knew there would be damage, I expected it. I knew that when I got up from the couch and went to the bathroom to survey the damage in the mirror I wouldn't like what I saw. But I made no attempt to stop.

The weekend was good. I was relaxed (despite the usual stressors- work, money, student loans) but nothing to make me overly anxious or upset. So why now? And why did I not want to stop? Why didn't I do anything to even try to stop? Sometimes I wish I knew what it was about the pulling that I enjoyed so much, wish I could put how it feels into words and explain to a non-puller just how it feels. How there is the mix of feeling so good and at ease with pulling yet so guilty and frustrated and angry with what you know is the inevitable result- the shame, the missing hair and the energy required to cover up that follows. I love mysteries but I'm not sure this is one I will ever solve. :(