Thursday, May 2, 2013
Trich Signs
I was on the crowded bus today heading crosstown and self conscious about being so close to others when my eyebrows are such a mess and when I looked up there was a sign advertising trich.org. The sign said something to the effect of "I pull out my hair" and "as do millions of others". I have to admit that I was so happy to see the sign but did have a minute of "are people now looking at me?" It's nice to see that an effort is being made to make this disease a bit more public so maybe we no longer have to hide under an unnecessary cloud of shame fearing that people will view us, and our trich, as so unusual and strange. I hope to see many more signs and information about trich!
Monday, April 22, 2013
An eyebrow tutorial
One of the scariest parts of having trich for me is the fear of being caught without proper make up. I habitually carry around a light brow pencil, brow shadow, and eyeliner and I often have several of each that are kept in separate bags (workbag, handbag, etc) so I'm never lost without it. While I know that you cant fully replicate an eyebrow when you dont have actual hair, I've found the following tutorial to be pretty helpful and gets me fairly close. Hope it helps!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
My love of pulling
I love pulling my hair. I dont know why, I love it. When I get that one hair that looks too dark, too thick, out of place, too short (or any number of excuses) I feel a sense of satisfaction. I love when the root of the hair is attached which is kind of like a double score.
But the love for pulling only lasts while I'm pulling. The second that reality kicks in, I hate it. I hate the disease, hate myself for pulling and hate the way I look without my eyebrows or eyelashes (or the thinning spots on my head). I hate how self conscious I feel being around others. I hate the way the manicurist looks puzzled every time she gets to my forefingers and sees the permanent indent and doesnt quite know what to make of it. I hate the way that I sneak to my husbands gym bag and borrow his tweezers when he goes to bed before me (despite me telling him to hide the tweezers I quickly noticed where they were). I hate that I dont admit to him that I know where to find the tweezers. I hate that I have wrinkles on my forehead from scrunching my face to make the hairs easier to pull. I hate that I'm terrified that I will have a child with trich who will suffer like I've suffered. I hate, I hate, I hate everything that this disease has done to me and continues to do to me but mostly I hate that I love pulling.
So despite my hatred for all things trich far outnumbering what I love about pulling I continue to be a puppet to this disease. Yesterday I went to a knitting store and got a private lesson to try and learn a new habit, one that others call "addictive" and that has the benefit of keeping my hands busy while making something useful. The woman asked me why I decided to start learning to knit now and I responded "i need to find a way to de-stress". I knew that this was a part of it but not the whole truth so I decided to offer it up after a fairly long pause ".... and I have trich". Yup, I did it. Admitted it to another stranger. Isn't that what people tell alcoholics? Admitting is the first step? So here I am again, confessing my dark secret to strangers but this time a stranger who actually knew what trich was. "That's a great reason and hopefully will help" she replied and then we moved on. No awkward looks or stares or explanations. And here we go again. I only hope that one day I find something that really helps (and for the near future I'm hoping that "something" is knitting! It's worth a shot!)
But the love for pulling only lasts while I'm pulling. The second that reality kicks in, I hate it. I hate the disease, hate myself for pulling and hate the way I look without my eyebrows or eyelashes (or the thinning spots on my head). I hate how self conscious I feel being around others. I hate the way the manicurist looks puzzled every time she gets to my forefingers and sees the permanent indent and doesnt quite know what to make of it. I hate the way that I sneak to my husbands gym bag and borrow his tweezers when he goes to bed before me (despite me telling him to hide the tweezers I quickly noticed where they were). I hate that I dont admit to him that I know where to find the tweezers. I hate that I have wrinkles on my forehead from scrunching my face to make the hairs easier to pull. I hate that I'm terrified that I will have a child with trich who will suffer like I've suffered. I hate, I hate, I hate everything that this disease has done to me and continues to do to me but mostly I hate that I love pulling.
So despite my hatred for all things trich far outnumbering what I love about pulling I continue to be a puppet to this disease. Yesterday I went to a knitting store and got a private lesson to try and learn a new habit, one that others call "addictive" and that has the benefit of keeping my hands busy while making something useful. The woman asked me why I decided to start learning to knit now and I responded "i need to find a way to de-stress". I knew that this was a part of it but not the whole truth so I decided to offer it up after a fairly long pause ".... and I have trich". Yup, I did it. Admitted it to another stranger. Isn't that what people tell alcoholics? Admitting is the first step? So here I am again, confessing my dark secret to strangers but this time a stranger who actually knew what trich was. "That's a great reason and hopefully will help" she replied and then we moved on. No awkward looks or stares or explanations. And here we go again. I only hope that one day I find something that really helps (and for the near future I'm hoping that "something" is knitting! It's worth a shot!)
Friday, April 12, 2013
Stormy skies & a return to reality
I'm back. I'm so sorry for my incredibly delayed absence and thank everyone who has sent me messages and motivation over the last 7 months. A lot has happened, both good and bad, but I'll get to in a few minutes.
Trich Updates
First, I should begin this post by giving the update on my trich which is back in my life with a renewed vengence and has been for a few months. At the moment I have absolutely no eyebrows, my top lashes are spotty but not entirely gone, and my bottom lashes remain free of the wrath. For now. In addition, about 3-4 months ago I started pulling hairs from the top of my head which is something I had rarely ever done. I've always picked at my split ends but never my head hair. It started with looking for the very very short hairs that were at the crown of my head, then expanded to the hairs around where I part my hair. It actually started getting somewhat noticeable, at least to me, as the part of my hair became a bit wider than usual. I've since (mostly) stopped pulling from my head hair and I'm anxiously awaiting the return of those hairs.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
I usually like to get the bad news out of the way first so let's start there. In early September, about a month and a half before my wedding (and on the day of my very low key bachelorette party) I received a call that my grandmother had suffered a stroke and that we needed to say goodbye. My sister and I told her that we loved her and then tried to put on a happy face and went to meet friends for lunch. About 3 hours later, just before we were leaving for a Madonna concert and while on a boat ride around Manhattan, we learned that she had passed away. It's funny (not funny ha-ha but the other kind) but the sky became incredibly dark and stormy just as we learned the news.
My grandmother and I were EXTREMELY close and I would talk to her about everything and anything. She was the spunkiest, wittiest person I've ever known, right up until the day that she passed away (and we buried her on 9/11 which just made for an even more emotional day).
We were very lucky to have her as long as we did since over the years there had been many times where we were told it was "the end". I had also seen her in January and had decided to take that opportunity to tell her everything I felt for her and how much I loved her. We had an incredibly wonderful yet tearful conversation about our love for each other and I will be forever grateful that I took that chance to talk to her (I was afraid it would be too morbid or upsetting but was also surprised that she didnt know just how much I loved her- she knew I loved her, just not how much).
Her loss left a very gaping hole in my family and obviously was very upsetting to my own mother. The time leading up to the wedding was very emotional for all of us. I know people say that weddings are very stressful but other than a speedbump or two (mostly about not having my cousin in my wedding party which had my mom not speaking to me for several weeks) it was drama free and became a much needed highlight in an otherwise dark time.
The wedding itself was perfect. My eyelashes, which had taken a bit of a hit following my grandmothers passing, were good enough that we did fake lashes with the existing ones, mascarared them up and no one could tell. It actually looked great. My eyebrows were thin but good enough and with a talented (and not criticial or mean!) make up artist I felt great. Pictures looked great and all my lifelong fears were gone. The wedding itself was very laid back and fun and it was so wonderful to have a day surrounded by all our friends and family. Both my now husband and I could not have asked for anything better (and I'll admit that I had quite a few drinks before the ceremony or I knew I would not get down the aisle thanks to my commitment phobia). Anyway, I can talk more about the wedding another time.
About two days after the wedding Hurricane Sandy hit (and ruined the reception hall where we had our wedding so we could not have been luckier). So many friends and family lost everything. Insignificantly, our honeymoon was pushed back about a week which was not the end of the world but on the day we arrived in Aruba I learned that my grandfather had also passed away. My grandparents had been married for 67 years and as sad as it was to lose them both I was glad to think that they were together again.
The next few months brought a lot of mixed emotions and trying to help my mom through a very depressing time for her. I also had several very large and stressful trials, trying to run the business while being on trial, looking for a new home (our least expires in 19 days and we are trying to buy an apartment in Queens but it's taking FOREVER and has been very sterssful), another 9/11 surgery for my dad, you name it. So I guess that brings me back to my apology for being absent. It's been tough and while that should have been even more incentive for me to keep up with my blog in the face of my raging trich, it just didnt happen.
Looking forward
So here I am again, continuing to deal with trich and all the issues that trich brings. I know that summer is just around the corner which makes trich even harder to cover up. My new plan is to try to learn to knit in the hopes that it gives me another outlet. I also am thinking about trying to learn to meditate which has always been a daunting and unrealistic idea since I'm normally just a giant ball of stress. I know I need to get back on track or else my self esteem will continue to suffer and diminish. So if you have tips, if in the 7 months I've been gone you happen to still be reading my blog and want to share anything that has worked for you, I would LOVE to hear about it. Time to switch things up again. But to start I will try and make more regular appearances here and hope that anyone reading this will bear with me as I struggle to battle this infuriating disease. Thanks for reading!
Trich Updates
First, I should begin this post by giving the update on my trich which is back in my life with a renewed vengence and has been for a few months. At the moment I have absolutely no eyebrows, my top lashes are spotty but not entirely gone, and my bottom lashes remain free of the wrath. For now. In addition, about 3-4 months ago I started pulling hairs from the top of my head which is something I had rarely ever done. I've always picked at my split ends but never my head hair. It started with looking for the very very short hairs that were at the crown of my head, then expanded to the hairs around where I part my hair. It actually started getting somewhat noticeable, at least to me, as the part of my hair became a bit wider than usual. I've since (mostly) stopped pulling from my head hair and I'm anxiously awaiting the return of those hairs.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
I usually like to get the bad news out of the way first so let's start there. In early September, about a month and a half before my wedding (and on the day of my very low key bachelorette party) I received a call that my grandmother had suffered a stroke and that we needed to say goodbye. My sister and I told her that we loved her and then tried to put on a happy face and went to meet friends for lunch. About 3 hours later, just before we were leaving for a Madonna concert and while on a boat ride around Manhattan, we learned that she had passed away. It's funny (not funny ha-ha but the other kind) but the sky became incredibly dark and stormy just as we learned the news.
My grandmother and I were EXTREMELY close and I would talk to her about everything and anything. She was the spunkiest, wittiest person I've ever known, right up until the day that she passed away (and we buried her on 9/11 which just made for an even more emotional day).We were very lucky to have her as long as we did since over the years there had been many times where we were told it was "the end". I had also seen her in January and had decided to take that opportunity to tell her everything I felt for her and how much I loved her. We had an incredibly wonderful yet tearful conversation about our love for each other and I will be forever grateful that I took that chance to talk to her (I was afraid it would be too morbid or upsetting but was also surprised that she didnt know just how much I loved her- she knew I loved her, just not how much).
Her loss left a very gaping hole in my family and obviously was very upsetting to my own mother. The time leading up to the wedding was very emotional for all of us. I know people say that weddings are very stressful but other than a speedbump or two (mostly about not having my cousin in my wedding party which had my mom not speaking to me for several weeks) it was drama free and became a much needed highlight in an otherwise dark time.
The wedding itself was perfect. My eyelashes, which had taken a bit of a hit following my grandmothers passing, were good enough that we did fake lashes with the existing ones, mascarared them up and no one could tell. It actually looked great. My eyebrows were thin but good enough and with a talented (and not criticial or mean!) make up artist I felt great. Pictures looked great and all my lifelong fears were gone. The wedding itself was very laid back and fun and it was so wonderful to have a day surrounded by all our friends and family. Both my now husband and I could not have asked for anything better (and I'll admit that I had quite a few drinks before the ceremony or I knew I would not get down the aisle thanks to my commitment phobia). Anyway, I can talk more about the wedding another time.
About two days after the wedding Hurricane Sandy hit (and ruined the reception hall where we had our wedding so we could not have been luckier). So many friends and family lost everything. Insignificantly, our honeymoon was pushed back about a week which was not the end of the world but on the day we arrived in Aruba I learned that my grandfather had also passed away. My grandparents had been married for 67 years and as sad as it was to lose them both I was glad to think that they were together again.
The next few months brought a lot of mixed emotions and trying to help my mom through a very depressing time for her. I also had several very large and stressful trials, trying to run the business while being on trial, looking for a new home (our least expires in 19 days and we are trying to buy an apartment in Queens but it's taking FOREVER and has been very sterssful), another 9/11 surgery for my dad, you name it. So I guess that brings me back to my apology for being absent. It's been tough and while that should have been even more incentive for me to keep up with my blog in the face of my raging trich, it just didnt happen.
Looking forward
So here I am again, continuing to deal with trich and all the issues that trich brings. I know that summer is just around the corner which makes trich even harder to cover up. My new plan is to try to learn to knit in the hopes that it gives me another outlet. I also am thinking about trying to learn to meditate which has always been a daunting and unrealistic idea since I'm normally just a giant ball of stress. I know I need to get back on track or else my self esteem will continue to suffer and diminish. So if you have tips, if in the 7 months I've been gone you happen to still be reading my blog and want to share anything that has worked for you, I would LOVE to hear about it. Time to switch things up again. But to start I will try and make more regular appearances here and hope that anyone reading this will bear with me as I struggle to battle this infuriating disease. Thanks for reading!
Friday, August 31, 2012
Accountability
The new group effort seems to be helping quite a bit. Both my mother and my sister have been texting me and grilling me regularly- particularly at night and in the morning when the urges are the hardest- and it does help. Admittedly I have slipped twice this week but both times was able to start. During last night's slip I pulled out two prickly little hairs and as I in the midst of a third I got a text from my sister telling me to stop and I did. At least things are looking up, especially since this tends to be the hardest phase when all the little hairs are just stubby and prickly and begging for me to pull them ......
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Sometimes It Takes A Village
I am a terrible blogger. When I'm doing poorly with trich I just can't motivate myself to write. I get your emails and comments and I promise myself I will respond and then I make up an excuse and I don't. I'm sorry.
Things have been pretty awful and I"m not sure where to begin. I don't know why it's been so bad- it's not as though things are any more stressful than usual (and the wedding planning is going fine and really not very stressful). I just pulled everything. My eyelashes were a disaster and my eyebrows non-existent. I even started pulling out my head hair a bit which was new for me. Of course such dramatic pulling just left me feeling like crap and completely self conscious. Out came the safety pin while I nearly cut myself open (yes, there was a lot of blood) trying to get out an ingrown hair around my navel. It wasn't pretty. I didn't even need the tweezers and instead managed to pull out some hairs by using scissors, yes scissors, to close them almost all the way and then tug- a little more complicated but almost as effective as tweezers.
About a month ago I finally got the eyelashes back under control which is good because the last few years they have fared better then my eyebrows (despite pulling only my eyelashes for the first 10 years of my trich battle). Through it all I never pulled a single eyelash from my bottom eyelid which is a little weird to me. My eyebrows are another story- every time they started to regrow I would attack them with a vengeance, unable to abstain from pulling the prickly little hairs. I have had no willpower when it comes to trich and yet I've been able to lose almost 20 pounds since
Then came yesterday. I honestly don't even remember exactly how it came up but once again my sister is amazing. No real surprise but she is. We were talking on Gchat as we do throughout almost every day and somehow got on the topic of trich and the wedding, which is now about 70+ days away. We came up with a strategy- if I can go 6 weeks without pulling (the time it takes to regrow most of the hair so I've heard) then we will go out to a super nice dinner and I will pay. That may sound a little strange as incentive but the place we picked has incredibly unhealthy yet delicious items on the menu, like lobster mac and cheese, that we love and never eat. Since it's very pricey, and she wouldn't go otherwise, it keeps her motivated to stay on me since she wants her meal. haha.
Now the motivation part and here is where I tie in the title of this blog post. My biggest motivator is the belief that people will, and do, look at me strangely because of my penciled in hair (and I'm sure bald spots on my head wouldn't help but fortunately it hasnt gotten to that point, yet). The idea of also having wedding pictures for years with possibly awkward colored eyebrows also is in the back of my mind (which can happen although I somehow don't notice until I see the photo). She is going to grill me on it every day. She is also going to text me at night, when its the worst (around 10pm) and in the morning and tell me, not so nicely, to stop pulling. Despite her hesitation I have asked her to please be mean about it- to tell me that "it will look weird" or "everyone will notice" or "you dont want to look like an idiot"- stuff like that. It may sound harsh, and I'm sure is really not true although in my mind it is and that motivates me.
Then came the call for the rest of the village. Before I knew it she had texted my boyfriend (hate the word fiance so we are sticking with boyfriend or "matrimonial candidate") and told him that he needs to get on my case more. And my mother (her response "I can't be mean" which was kind of funny because she is always the most critical of anyone I know other than my grandmother. Well intentioned but critical). Then I texted my friend Danielle who is one of my biggest supporters and the friend I am most comfortable talking about it with, and she is going to also check a few times a week. I haven't decided how much further to take it but that's a solid start. Today my mom volunteered to kick in an extra bonus at the 3 week mark and offered to take me for a massage at her favorite spa.
To say I'm grateful to my sister would be an understatement. I know that I'm lucky to have family and friends that I can talk openly about my trich and seek support from when it gets bad. I have never employed this tactic before but I don't want to let my sister down and I know she will not let us go for dinner unless I succeed. Being accountable only to myself has not worked so I'm going to try this new approach.
When I turn 32 next month it will be 24 years that I have been struggling with trich. Seeing that number makes me so angry but 25 years, a full quarter century, is an anniversary I just refuse to have. Wish me luck! I hope that anyone reading this maybe reaches out to the people around them- it's amazing what support can do and how supportive people who love you can be, really.
Wishing you all the best,
K.
Things have been pretty awful and I"m not sure where to begin. I don't know why it's been so bad- it's not as though things are any more stressful than usual (and the wedding planning is going fine and really not very stressful). I just pulled everything. My eyelashes were a disaster and my eyebrows non-existent. I even started pulling out my head hair a bit which was new for me. Of course such dramatic pulling just left me feeling like crap and completely self conscious. Out came the safety pin while I nearly cut myself open (yes, there was a lot of blood) trying to get out an ingrown hair around my navel. It wasn't pretty. I didn't even need the tweezers and instead managed to pull out some hairs by using scissors, yes scissors, to close them almost all the way and then tug- a little more complicated but almost as effective as tweezers.
About a month ago I finally got the eyelashes back under control which is good because the last few years they have fared better then my eyebrows (despite pulling only my eyelashes for the first 10 years of my trich battle). Through it all I never pulled a single eyelash from my bottom eyelid which is a little weird to me. My eyebrows are another story- every time they started to regrow I would attack them with a vengeance, unable to abstain from pulling the prickly little hairs. I have had no willpower when it comes to trich and yet I've been able to lose almost 20 pounds since
Then came yesterday. I honestly don't even remember exactly how it came up but once again my sister is amazing. No real surprise but she is. We were talking on Gchat as we do throughout almost every day and somehow got on the topic of trich and the wedding, which is now about 70+ days away. We came up with a strategy- if I can go 6 weeks without pulling (the time it takes to regrow most of the hair so I've heard) then we will go out to a super nice dinner and I will pay. That may sound a little strange as incentive but the place we picked has incredibly unhealthy yet delicious items on the menu, like lobster mac and cheese, that we love and never eat. Since it's very pricey, and she wouldn't go otherwise, it keeps her motivated to stay on me since she wants her meal. haha.
Now the motivation part and here is where I tie in the title of this blog post. My biggest motivator is the belief that people will, and do, look at me strangely because of my penciled in hair (and I'm sure bald spots on my head wouldn't help but fortunately it hasnt gotten to that point, yet). The idea of also having wedding pictures for years with possibly awkward colored eyebrows also is in the back of my mind (which can happen although I somehow don't notice until I see the photo). She is going to grill me on it every day. She is also going to text me at night, when its the worst (around 10pm) and in the morning and tell me, not so nicely, to stop pulling. Despite her hesitation I have asked her to please be mean about it- to tell me that "it will look weird" or "everyone will notice" or "you dont want to look like an idiot"- stuff like that. It may sound harsh, and I'm sure is really not true although in my mind it is and that motivates me.
Then came the call for the rest of the village. Before I knew it she had texted my boyfriend (hate the word fiance so we are sticking with boyfriend or "matrimonial candidate") and told him that he needs to get on my case more. And my mother (her response "I can't be mean" which was kind of funny because she is always the most critical of anyone I know other than my grandmother. Well intentioned but critical). Then I texted my friend Danielle who is one of my biggest supporters and the friend I am most comfortable talking about it with, and she is going to also check a few times a week. I haven't decided how much further to take it but that's a solid start. Today my mom volunteered to kick in an extra bonus at the 3 week mark and offered to take me for a massage at her favorite spa.
To say I'm grateful to my sister would be an understatement. I know that I'm lucky to have family and friends that I can talk openly about my trich and seek support from when it gets bad. I have never employed this tactic before but I don't want to let my sister down and I know she will not let us go for dinner unless I succeed. Being accountable only to myself has not worked so I'm going to try this new approach.
When I turn 32 next month it will be 24 years that I have been struggling with trich. Seeing that number makes me so angry but 25 years, a full quarter century, is an anniversary I just refuse to have. Wish me luck! I hope that anyone reading this maybe reaches out to the people around them- it's amazing what support can do and how supportive people who love you can be, really.
Wishing you all the best,
K.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Countdowns and Daily Struggles
Every day I wake up and struggle with trich. I have not been doing well- I am back to no eyebrows and even did some damage on both my right and left eyelashes. It makes me anxious as I think about the 107 days I have left until the wedding. As I've mentioned before, I have read that you need 6 weeks for the hair to regrow. That's 42 days. I would imagine I need even a little more than that for them to really look good and full so let's assume 9 weeks or 63 days. I have 44 days left.
Well, not really. I have 44 days left to get my pulling in gear if I want to have hair for the wedding. As part of the photography package we purchased we are doing engagement photos (yet another thing I never thought I'd do but it's included so what the hell- i'll feel like an idiot for an hour). I would like to have eyebrows and eyelashes for those photos which will be taken on September 13. Assuming I need the same 9 weeks I need to stop by next Thursday. It's not looking good.
I dont know what is going on. I dont know why it's worse now than before. Yes, wedding planning is stressful (really only in the sense that I seem to be hurting people's feelings over things I dont think are big issues- like not inviting his cousin who apparently has a habit of responding that he will come with his wife and then going MIA- we also never see him and they arent close but he's upset not to be invited and I got cornered about it by his aunt at a BBQ last weekend. Yikes). Life is stressful but no more than usual. I just can't stop pulling. All I want to do is pull.
I feel embarrassed, ashamed, nervous, angry, insecure, you name it. I've lost my way and can't seem to get myself back on track. I am able to lie to myself and make excuses but at the end of the day I still look in the mirror and I'm not happy with what I see. Sometimes it feels like I just continue to give myself permission to pull and even though I dont want to do it, part of me, a big part of me, just likes to pull. And that part of me seems to take over and suppress every ounce of willpower I have. Is that just lazy? I'm not happy that I feel so overwhelmed with trich but I can't seem to hold myself accountable and summon the willpower to stop for even a full 24 hours. It really sucks and I need to find a way back to a better place if I'm going to have any hope of making this happen by October 26th. Ugh.
Well, not really. I have 44 days left to get my pulling in gear if I want to have hair for the wedding. As part of the photography package we purchased we are doing engagement photos (yet another thing I never thought I'd do but it's included so what the hell- i'll feel like an idiot for an hour). I would like to have eyebrows and eyelashes for those photos which will be taken on September 13. Assuming I need the same 9 weeks I need to stop by next Thursday. It's not looking good.
I dont know what is going on. I dont know why it's worse now than before. Yes, wedding planning is stressful (really only in the sense that I seem to be hurting people's feelings over things I dont think are big issues- like not inviting his cousin who apparently has a habit of responding that he will come with his wife and then going MIA- we also never see him and they arent close but he's upset not to be invited and I got cornered about it by his aunt at a BBQ last weekend. Yikes). Life is stressful but no more than usual. I just can't stop pulling. All I want to do is pull.
I feel embarrassed, ashamed, nervous, angry, insecure, you name it. I've lost my way and can't seem to get myself back on track. I am able to lie to myself and make excuses but at the end of the day I still look in the mirror and I'm not happy with what I see. Sometimes it feels like I just continue to give myself permission to pull and even though I dont want to do it, part of me, a big part of me, just likes to pull. And that part of me seems to take over and suppress every ounce of willpower I have. Is that just lazy? I'm not happy that I feel so overwhelmed with trich but I can't seem to hold myself accountable and summon the willpower to stop for even a full 24 hours. It really sucks and I need to find a way back to a better place if I'm going to have any hope of making this happen by October 26th. Ugh.
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