Memories good and bad

When I was younger I was about as awkward(as a teenager and pre-teen if I'm being honest) as you could get. I have naturally curly hair that my mother always had me keep just above my shoulders (she insisted this was for the benefit of my swimming since shorter hair drags less) which for anyone else that has curly hair you know that this can be a recipe for disaster- the longer it is, the more it weighs itself down. I refer to it as my "poodle afro" and in those days it was out of control because I was clueless about anything beauty related (and still a bit clueless).

Next was the teen acne which I thought could be covered up with make up but again, since I had no clue how to wear make up, it just made it worse. Mom was no help on this one and most of my friends were either boys or athletes, neither of whom had much need for makeup (the girls were much more blessed than me on almost all look fronts).

My wardrobe selections were atrocious. Thankfully in HS I was in Catholic School and didnt have to worry much about my day to day outfit but on the whole, if it wasnt something I could swim in or work out in, my "style" was hideous and I just didnt have a clue, even for the 80s.

To top it all off I had glasses. Not just glasses, but big glasses that took over most of my pimpled, awkward, eyelash free face. They started off as big blue glasses when I was 8 (shortly after the trich started), turned into enormous red glasses and ending with big round wire glasses. My mom had always told me that I couldnt get contacts until my eyelashes were back. Man, did I want to get rid of the glasses- I tried so hard for years to beat trich and couldnt. By the middle of my freshman year in HS my mom (and I) finally gave up and she let me get contacts (i've since had laser eye surgery which was one of the best purchases of my life).

Despite my general pre-teen/teen hideousness (seriously I am amazed that my parents left the house with me during those years) the one thing I always notice in old pictures is my lack of eyelashes. I was looking at an old picture over the weekend, one of the few I have of me with my grandmother, and the glasses and missing eyelashes makes it hard for me to look at the picture with happy memories. I know that the glasses did bring me some level of comfort, they were my barrier and, in my mind during those years, gave me some refuge from people directly and immediately noticing that my eyelashes were completely gone. It makes me sad, for all the years of anxiety I've suffered, for the photos that should be happy memories but really just make me sad for my younger, insecure self.

Fortunately when I was about 14 (and the acne was going away and the glasses were gone) someone saw me in a mall and offered me a makeover which my mom agreed to. She taught me (finally!) the art of make up application, how to use eyeliner to at least give the initial appearance of having eyelashes (which later was used with my missing eyebrows), just general tips. It took a few years to get my hair and clothing under control and, I kid you not, I had a guy i had known for most of my life approach me at a party when I was about 19 and literally stop short and say "wow, you grew up nicely, thats surprising". haha.

Now I can laugh about it. I'm pretty confident in who I am and what I look like and part of my is glad for the humility that was forced upon me since I can really relate much better to people and can help my younger cousins through their awkward teen years (mostly this consists of showing them a photo of me at 11 and telling them at least they arent that bad and letting them know what you look like then has NOTHING to do with what you will/can look like later so they will get through it).

I hate how despite the years that have passed, I still look at these old photos and the first thing I notice is whether I was having a good week or bad week with trich behind the glasses. I see a teenager uncomfortable in her own skin and a situation made even harder because of the "trich secret". I hope one day I will look back on this differently but I just hope that the memories I'm creating now arent dictated, albeit years later, by how good I'm doing with my trich. I've come to accept it as part of who I am, who I'll always be, but that doesnt mean it doesnt still hurt and make me sad for the years lost.

Here's to a better future, one where I'm in control, not trich. I wish you the same.

Anxiety

Yesterday, after 2 long years, I said goodbye to my least favorite client of all time. He was the worst and would go through periods where he would just scream at me for twenty minutes about nothing and then come into court smiling. I have completed two trials with him now, both of which he was convicted thanks to overwhelming evidence, but now I dont have to deal with him ever again. Finally.

I have a few trials coming up including one Monday where i am fully convinced my client is innocent. Between that and some social obligations, the next few weeks will certainly be crazy and exhausting, but in a good way I hope since it should all be moving me towards the end goal of leaving my job and improving my life. However, for the last few days I have been feeling really anxious. The problem is I'm not really sure why and I cant help but worry that this will have an impact on my trich.

Admittedly, this week at least, I have not been sticking to my goals of getting up early, working out, and spending an hour a day working on my business plan. I have been exercising (as much as I can with a cold I've picked up) and I have my wii to thank for that- nothing beats being able to work out a sweat in your living room with a motivational trainer on the TV. I'm not really worried about work stuff (although I need to move it along if I ever want to quit my job), money is always a little bit of a worry but nothing out of the ordinary, things are generally ok. So where is this anxiety, this weird nervousness in the pit of my stomach, coming from?

I'm on guard with trich and that's a good thing so hopefully I'll be able to get through this without slipping. The battle continues.

Weekend Getaway

Once again I'm sorry for being such a bad blogger. Rather than returning from Chicago on Sunday as planned, our flight was canceled due to (nonexistent) bad weather in NY (bad Jet Blue, bad) and we didn't end up getting home until Monday night. Of course, on Monday I had two court appearances scheduled and apparently my colleague got an earful from the judge about my absence (what did he think i could do? Strap on wings and fly back on my own?) Anyway, I'm now back trying to conquer the inevitable pile of work that has accumulated while I was gone.

Chicago was a good trip although it was a bit of family overload. That said, I went 5 days without a single urge to pull which is pretty incredible. I'm not sure why, when I'm away, I am so controlled with trich and yet the minute I return home the urges find their way back. So frustrating. It's not even as though I was distracted the whole time or anxiety free- I can't explain it. It's now been about 2 weeks since I've slipped and my eyebrows and eyelashes are once again looking great

For anyone who hasn't read some of my previous posts, I just want to be a little more clear about my "pull-freeness" - I am still (as I've confessed to in the past) allowing myself a "grooming night" once every couple weeks where I can maintain my eyebrows so that they don't get messy looking which I have no doubt would result in me pulling out everything. Also, I am still allowing myself to pull the dark hairs that come in around my naval area and around my bikini line- I don't know whether you consider that cheating or not but it's what I'm doing for now. I just didn't want to anyone reading this to be mislead as I'm sure some people would say this isn't really conquering trich- I'm just doing it in my own way since my focus is to get my eyebrows and eyelashes back as that's what has the biggest impact on my day to day life and happiness.

My mom has been continuing to tell me how good my eyelashes look every time I see her and that feels really good. My cousins and other family members, the ones who either have trich themselves or know about my trich, said nothing while we were in Chicago. At one point my aunt said something which led me to talking about the fact that I had eyelashes (i truthfully cant remember how it came up) and her reply was "cool" and then she moved on. I thought the return of my eyelashes after a 21 year hiatus would merit more than a "cool"! None of my friends have brought up my trich either although I kind of wish they would- maybe they think that now that I have them looking pretty good that I've beaten trich. Ha! Besides the 5 day hiatus I received while away, it is still a daily battle- right now I'm just wishing more people understood about trich and what its like. Oh well, maybe one day.

Back on Track

I anticipated that this week would be tough but its been a bit easier than i anticipated. The small damage I did to my eyelashes the last couple weeks seems to be getting better by the day and the urges, despite my PMS'ing, haven't been as bad as I expected. I've been using the get up and walk around approach a lot more to distract myself from the urges and that seems to be helping. When I'm really tired this gets tough but I keep reminding myself that this is a priority and is meant to improve the quality of my life, so getting up and walking around for a few minutes is better than pulling and being eyelash free for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow morning I am leaving for Chicago and I'm usually pretty good about not pulling while I'm away (I'll also be rooming with my sister who would be all over me if she saw me even touching my eyelashes or eyebrows).

Unfortunately I'm feeling a bit of writers lag again today and dont have too much else to talk about but hopefully next week I will be back on schedule with a clear mind and will be writing more (and more often). Good luck to all!

Exhaustion

The last week has been a bit touch and go with trich- the urges have been pretty bad but, with the exception of one more small slip, I've been able to hold pretty steady. From the last few weeks I've learned that I can handle stress and trich fairly well (its not easy) but that when I am really emotionally and physically drained AND stressed, it's a lethal combination for me when trying to not pull. Unfortunately, those are the times when I'm not as likely to be "on guard" and pulling out all the trich stops but, if I'm ever going to fully beat this thing, I must summon the energy to keep fighting from somewhere. Anywhere.

This weekend is going to be a real test. I'm pretty tired from a lot of running around (was another busy week), I'm stressed with getting a lot of work done (for my current and future job) and have a massive list of errands that need to be taken care of before I leave for Chicago on Thursday. Oh, and I'm PMS'ing. It's the perfect storm really. I was going to go with friends on a wine tour tomorrow but something else came up and, unfortunately, its probably for the best since I really should be laying low and building back up some energy. The next few weeks are going to be pretty busy.

So this weekend should be a time for me to really refocus on battling trich. I think I've been making excuses for myself and had hoped that trich would have eased off a bit by now. It clearly hasnt and I have to remember that this is almost like another full time job- trich is still not giving up but I cant back off or it will just run me down. (and speaking of stress- literally as I was writing this post my cat was throwing up all over my month-old carpet....ahhh, it never ends but what am I going to do? get mad at the cat for being sick? this is life, some things just happen and you have to pick up and move on).

And now the weekend test begins. Next week in Chicago I will be seeing almost my entire family for my little cousins bar mitvah- in this group will be my cousin who also battled trich (worse than me) for YEARS but never really would talk to me about it. There will also be other family I have spoken to about trich (and who have confessed to me similar, but much smaller, trich problems). It would be nice to show up with my eyebrows and eyelashes in tact for once :)

Have a great weekend and good luck to anyone trying to make it through without pulling!

A dose of inspiration

Sorry for being MIA the last couple weeks- I just finished up the big trial I had mentioned and it took up every free minute I had. It's been a rough couple weeks, starting with the slip I mentioned in the last post. Sadly, it didn't stop there and the stress of the trial (and my client) became a bit overwhelming. Again, the damage isn't too horrible but I definitely pulled a few times and was not able to stay in control of my urges. Fortunately, I have been pull-free since the trial ended on Friday.

Yesterday I found out that a friend of mine (more of an acquaintance but she is best friends with my good friend) completed the Boston marathon in under 3 1/2 hours. This is pretty incredible on its own, but the back story of this girl is truly inspirational and I wanted to share it with anyone reading this.

The friend, her name is Jess, has been an elite triathlete for years, completing in several Iron Man's, countless marathons, you get the idea. Back in August she was biking with her husband (they had only been married a few months) and, going at a pretty good speed, crashed into the back of a car. She was rushed to the hospital where she went into (or was put into) a coma because she had a traumatic brain injury (she hit the pavement with her face causing her brain to push everything forward). According to our mutual friend, she was a mess and they weren't sure she was going to make it and I believe she remained in the hospital, and then rehab, until maybe late October (i could be getting the specifics wrong). Her entire appearance has changed and obviously she was not able to do any form of exercise, let along walk or run, for months (and when she first started she was in excruciating pain as the plates in her face would grind against each other). Yet, less than 9 months later, she completed the Boston Marathon with an impressive time.

I share this story as hope for anyone that is having a difficult time. Things can be dark and bleak and the outcome unknown, but if she can pull through something so serious and traumatic and overcome incredible odds then I have to believe that as difficult as trich is, I can overcome it. She didn't get to where she is today overnight, and I know that there were times when she had enough and wanted to give up, but she didn't. I won't either.

Not cool

So I have to confess that over the weekend I had a pretty big setback. I was working most of the weekend doing trial preparation and around 10:00 on Saturday night I decided to put the work away and just relax a little bit. I really wish I knew what happened.

I started in the typical way of just feeling my lashes with my fingers. Feeling for hairs that were out of place or thicker or shorter than the rest. I knew I didnt want to be doing it but I couldnt stop. Actually, that's a lie. I could have stopped but I didnt even try. In a pathetic, half assed way I would try to keep my hand busy but I could also hear that stupid little voice in my head saying that "just this one and no one will be able to tell". If only it worked that way.

So I pulled one and then another would take its place as the focus of my attention- the same pattern it has been for years. And then, once again, I panic at the damage I've done. In just a few minutes, maybe 15, and I've set myself back weeks. The lashes are still there but they are definitely thinner and my right eyelid now has a small spot where, if you look closely, there are no lashes. Yes, i can pretty easily cover it up with a little eyeliner and mascara to make it appear thicker but I know its there.

I dont have an explanation that can justify it. Stress from the trial, emotions from that jerk guy coming back into the picture, anxiety over quitting my job, exhaustion from working 90+ hours last week- I'm not really sure. I couldnt even take my own advice and forgive myself and move on- I was so frustrated at my self destruction. But that was Saturday. Sunday I work up and realized that its done, its over and the only thing that will get me through is to refocus and stop pulling because that is the only way they will grow back in.

Its funny but I realize that every time I think I've found something (this time exercise) and I make the proclamation "i'm too tired from now exercising to even want to pull" , within a few posts I'm confessing my slips. I suppose its thinking I've found a away to beat it and, as a result, I start to let me guard down when trich is on the other side of that wall just waiting for me not to pay attention.

All I know at this point is that I cant go back again. Now that I know what it feels like to have eyebrows and eyelashes, I cant go back to a life where I pull them out. One day I hope my battle with trich will be over but clearly it's not over yet.