Hitting Bottom

Years ago, when I was suffering from a pretty bad period of depression following some awful tragedies, someone told me that sometimes you have to hit bottom so you can push off and head back to the top. That really resonated with me.

So I hit bottom a bit with my trich last week. I wouldnt say it's the "bottom" of how it's ever been- far from it in fact- but it's the lowest point I've been in the last 18 or so months. I pulled out all my hair on my left eyebrow, a few eyelashes in my just returning left eye, and on the right eyelid left a pretty decent sized lash-free gap.

Despite being tweezer free for some time now I will admit that it wasnt all pulling with my hands. I have a scissor, yup, a scissor, and I know exactly how close I can get the blades so that it has the same effect as my tweezers used to. It's embarrassing to admit this but it's true. It's not as bad as it used to be when I would stick safety pins into my skin to "free up" the hairs so that I could pull them out with my tweezers, wiping the blood away as I went but it's still bad and shameful to admit.

The worst part, aside from the shame, is that I'm back to figuring out how to draw in my left eyebrow without making it totally obvious. And since the right one isnt so bad it's hard to get them to match. It's also hard to go back to distancing myself from people, trying to avoid them noticing that my left eyebrow, and some of the right one, are mostly just a mix of eyeliner and eyeshadow. Just Saturday I was at a bridal shower and seated next to the wives of two friends who don't know about my trich- trying to talk to them while being self conscious the entire time was awful. A reminder of how far I had come and how much progress I erased in just one night.

There are many reasons I think I took this giant step back. I'm feeling even more unhappy with my inability to lose those last 10 pounds, especially since I had some TV interviews recently and thought I looked a bit chubby (i know i'm not fat but we all know the weight where we feel our best and i'm just not there). My boyfriend was also moving in which is a BIG step for me with my commitment issues. The idea of living in my fairly small apartment with a person who will be around EVERY day, possibly forever, just freaked me out a bit. I always do that- in the week before a big change I freak out, even when I know it's the right decision. I had warned him I would do it and on my second to last night at home alone, I freaked.

So I've taken a giant step back but once again I'm trying to remind myself that as long as I pick back up and move forward then I'm not a failure. Live and learn, or so some people say. I wish I knew what i was learning from this, from having trich at all, but I guess I probably will never understand this stupid horrible disease. I talked to my boyfriend and asked him to point out when I am touching my eyebrows or eyelashes and remind me not to pull.

I am now 5 days pull free and just hoping that this was my botton and that I have now pushed off and headed back for the top. Maybe one day I will stay there.