It's been a while once again. Work and life have been running my life but for the first time in a while I have a free morning. Things are going fairly well and I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant (we think with a boy). I'm very excited and terrified and exhausted although I am incredibly lucky not to have suffered from morning sickness to date.
As for trich, well, that's another story. My eyebrows remain all but non-existent and my eyelashes are recovering from some damage I did a few weeks ago (the bottom remain fine but the top are spotty and thin). I look at my friends with their newborn photos on FB and pray that I can pull it together by the time the baby comes as those pictures will be just as important, if not more, than my wedding pictures last year. It's hard to be optimistic knowing my history.
For a few weeks I had tried knitting at night and to be honest that did seem to be helping. It didnt stop the pulling all together but it did seem to get a little better. I know that most of my pulling happens at night so I'm trying to change some habits and stop touching my face (although I barely realize I'm doing it before its too late). I'm still hoping for that magic cure which isnt coming and the summer is, as always, tough since it feels so much harder to hide my drawn on eyebrows. I did find a good waterproof eyebrow liner from sephora that helps with swimming and sweating. Other than that, life is status quo and just trying to adjust to the idea that our lives will be so different in January but so so grateful that all has gone well!
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Welcome back to the bottom, we've missed you
I think I've pretty much hit the bottom yet again. The last few weeks have been the worst in years, with both my eyebrows gone and a LOT of damage to both of my top eyelashes (somehow the bottoms have remained in tact). And it's summer time which means the bright lights, sweating, and everything else is in full effect. Fun times.
I cant tell you exactly how i've gotten here other than to say I seem to have lost all willpower and cant seem to stop pulling at all. Self esteem is also nice and low which just continues to contribute to the bottomless pit I often feel I'm stuck in.
To top it off, I just found out I'm pregnant. It's a bit of a shock and I'm terrified. Add to that stress that last week I found out my thyroid levels were incredibly low (I have hypothyrodism which means my thyroid function is below normal- i've been on medication for years and every so often the meds have to be adjusted. I should have TSH levels around a 2.5 right now and they were at a 22, now down to a 20). Oh yes, that just adds to the stress and complications- as google has terrified me into knowing that low thyroid function makes my likelihood of a miscarriage about 5 times that of someone with regular levels and I had no idea miscarriages were so common to begin with.
So i'm feeling crappy and terrified and stressed and its a vicious cycle to be in. We decided to tell our immediate families only just so that they could be clued in in case something does go wrong and I need the support. My husband seems to be in shock and I'm not sure it's sunk in for him yet. We have our first appointment with the doctor tomorrow so I'm just praying all goes well. To be honest, as horrible as it sounds, I'm just waiting to miscarry- at least this way I can try and brace for the sadness and disappointment. I'm sure that is not helping the situation but I'm too afraid to be happy and excited and I have 8 months to go (I had always promised to be incredibly open and honest on this blog so you are all finding out LONG before many of our friends and family).
So that's the bad and the ugly right not. If you could send prayers and positive vibes my way I would greatly appreciate it. I'm a big ball of hormones right now and just hoping that while all this is going on I can find a way to also get back on track with not pulling. This disease continues to be a dark cloud that makes one feel like there will never be an escape. Either way, I could really use some good news right now so if you have found anything that works, or just want to tell me that you are doing great, please message me and let me know.
As always, thanks for reading and I truly hope you are doing better than I am today!
I cant tell you exactly how i've gotten here other than to say I seem to have lost all willpower and cant seem to stop pulling at all. Self esteem is also nice and low which just continues to contribute to the bottomless pit I often feel I'm stuck in.
To top it off, I just found out I'm pregnant. It's a bit of a shock and I'm terrified. Add to that stress that last week I found out my thyroid levels were incredibly low (I have hypothyrodism which means my thyroid function is below normal- i've been on medication for years and every so often the meds have to be adjusted. I should have TSH levels around a 2.5 right now and they were at a 22, now down to a 20). Oh yes, that just adds to the stress and complications- as google has terrified me into knowing that low thyroid function makes my likelihood of a miscarriage about 5 times that of someone with regular levels and I had no idea miscarriages were so common to begin with.
So i'm feeling crappy and terrified and stressed and its a vicious cycle to be in. We decided to tell our immediate families only just so that they could be clued in in case something does go wrong and I need the support. My husband seems to be in shock and I'm not sure it's sunk in for him yet. We have our first appointment with the doctor tomorrow so I'm just praying all goes well. To be honest, as horrible as it sounds, I'm just waiting to miscarry- at least this way I can try and brace for the sadness and disappointment. I'm sure that is not helping the situation but I'm too afraid to be happy and excited and I have 8 months to go (I had always promised to be incredibly open and honest on this blog so you are all finding out LONG before many of our friends and family).
So that's the bad and the ugly right not. If you could send prayers and positive vibes my way I would greatly appreciate it. I'm a big ball of hormones right now and just hoping that while all this is going on I can find a way to also get back on track with not pulling. This disease continues to be a dark cloud that makes one feel like there will never be an escape. Either way, I could really use some good news right now so if you have found anything that works, or just want to tell me that you are doing great, please message me and let me know.
As always, thanks for reading and I truly hope you are doing better than I am today!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Trich Signs
I was on the crowded bus today heading crosstown and self conscious about being so close to others when my eyebrows are such a mess and when I looked up there was a sign advertising trich.org. The sign said something to the effect of "I pull out my hair" and "as do millions of others". I have to admit that I was so happy to see the sign but did have a minute of "are people now looking at me?" It's nice to see that an effort is being made to make this disease a bit more public so maybe we no longer have to hide under an unnecessary cloud of shame fearing that people will view us, and our trich, as so unusual and strange. I hope to see many more signs and information about trich!
Monday, April 22, 2013
An eyebrow tutorial
One of the scariest parts of having trich for me is the fear of being caught without proper make up. I habitually carry around a light brow pencil, brow shadow, and eyeliner and I often have several of each that are kept in separate bags (workbag, handbag, etc) so I'm never lost without it. While I know that you cant fully replicate an eyebrow when you dont have actual hair, I've found the following tutorial to be pretty helpful and gets me fairly close. Hope it helps!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
My love of pulling
I love pulling my hair. I dont know why, I love it. When I get that one hair that looks too dark, too thick, out of place, too short (or any number of excuses) I feel a sense of satisfaction. I love when the root of the hair is attached which is kind of like a double score.
But the love for pulling only lasts while I'm pulling. The second that reality kicks in, I hate it. I hate the disease, hate myself for pulling and hate the way I look without my eyebrows or eyelashes (or the thinning spots on my head). I hate how self conscious I feel being around others. I hate the way the manicurist looks puzzled every time she gets to my forefingers and sees the permanent indent and doesnt quite know what to make of it. I hate the way that I sneak to my husbands gym bag and borrow his tweezers when he goes to bed before me (despite me telling him to hide the tweezers I quickly noticed where they were). I hate that I dont admit to him that I know where to find the tweezers. I hate that I have wrinkles on my forehead from scrunching my face to make the hairs easier to pull. I hate that I'm terrified that I will have a child with trich who will suffer like I've suffered. I hate, I hate, I hate everything that this disease has done to me and continues to do to me but mostly I hate that I love pulling.
So despite my hatred for all things trich far outnumbering what I love about pulling I continue to be a puppet to this disease. Yesterday I went to a knitting store and got a private lesson to try and learn a new habit, one that others call "addictive" and that has the benefit of keeping my hands busy while making something useful. The woman asked me why I decided to start learning to knit now and I responded "i need to find a way to de-stress". I knew that this was a part of it but not the whole truth so I decided to offer it up after a fairly long pause ".... and I have trich". Yup, I did it. Admitted it to another stranger. Isn't that what people tell alcoholics? Admitting is the first step? So here I am again, confessing my dark secret to strangers but this time a stranger who actually knew what trich was. "That's a great reason and hopefully will help" she replied and then we moved on. No awkward looks or stares or explanations. And here we go again. I only hope that one day I find something that really helps (and for the near future I'm hoping that "something" is knitting! It's worth a shot!)
But the love for pulling only lasts while I'm pulling. The second that reality kicks in, I hate it. I hate the disease, hate myself for pulling and hate the way I look without my eyebrows or eyelashes (or the thinning spots on my head). I hate how self conscious I feel being around others. I hate the way the manicurist looks puzzled every time she gets to my forefingers and sees the permanent indent and doesnt quite know what to make of it. I hate the way that I sneak to my husbands gym bag and borrow his tweezers when he goes to bed before me (despite me telling him to hide the tweezers I quickly noticed where they were). I hate that I dont admit to him that I know where to find the tweezers. I hate that I have wrinkles on my forehead from scrunching my face to make the hairs easier to pull. I hate that I'm terrified that I will have a child with trich who will suffer like I've suffered. I hate, I hate, I hate everything that this disease has done to me and continues to do to me but mostly I hate that I love pulling.
So despite my hatred for all things trich far outnumbering what I love about pulling I continue to be a puppet to this disease. Yesterday I went to a knitting store and got a private lesson to try and learn a new habit, one that others call "addictive" and that has the benefit of keeping my hands busy while making something useful. The woman asked me why I decided to start learning to knit now and I responded "i need to find a way to de-stress". I knew that this was a part of it but not the whole truth so I decided to offer it up after a fairly long pause ".... and I have trich". Yup, I did it. Admitted it to another stranger. Isn't that what people tell alcoholics? Admitting is the first step? So here I am again, confessing my dark secret to strangers but this time a stranger who actually knew what trich was. "That's a great reason and hopefully will help" she replied and then we moved on. No awkward looks or stares or explanations. And here we go again. I only hope that one day I find something that really helps (and for the near future I'm hoping that "something" is knitting! It's worth a shot!)
Friday, April 12, 2013
Stormy skies & a return to reality
I'm back. I'm so sorry for my incredibly delayed absence and thank everyone who has sent me messages and motivation over the last 7 months. A lot has happened, both good and bad, but I'll get to in a few minutes.
Trich Updates
First, I should begin this post by giving the update on my trich which is back in my life with a renewed vengence and has been for a few months. At the moment I have absolutely no eyebrows, my top lashes are spotty but not entirely gone, and my bottom lashes remain free of the wrath. For now. In addition, about 3-4 months ago I started pulling hairs from the top of my head which is something I had rarely ever done. I've always picked at my split ends but never my head hair. It started with looking for the very very short hairs that were at the crown of my head, then expanded to the hairs around where I part my hair. It actually started getting somewhat noticeable, at least to me, as the part of my hair became a bit wider than usual. I've since (mostly) stopped pulling from my head hair and I'm anxiously awaiting the return of those hairs.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
I usually like to get the bad news out of the way first so let's start there. In early September, about a month and a half before my wedding (and on the day of my very low key bachelorette party) I received a call that my grandmother had suffered a stroke and that we needed to say goodbye. My sister and I told her that we loved her and then tried to put on a happy face and went to meet friends for lunch. About 3 hours later, just before we were leaving for a Madonna concert and while on a boat ride around Manhattan, we learned that she had passed away. It's funny (not funny ha-ha but the other kind) but the sky became incredibly dark and stormy just as we learned the news.
My grandmother and I were EXTREMELY close and I would talk to her about everything and anything. She was the spunkiest, wittiest person I've ever known, right up until the day that she passed away (and we buried her on 9/11 which just made for an even more emotional day).
We were very lucky to have her as long as we did since over the years there had been many times where we were told it was "the end". I had also seen her in January and had decided to take that opportunity to tell her everything I felt for her and how much I loved her. We had an incredibly wonderful yet tearful conversation about our love for each other and I will be forever grateful that I took that chance to talk to her (I was afraid it would be too morbid or upsetting but was also surprised that she didnt know just how much I loved her- she knew I loved her, just not how much).
Her loss left a very gaping hole in my family and obviously was very upsetting to my own mother. The time leading up to the wedding was very emotional for all of us. I know people say that weddings are very stressful but other than a speedbump or two (mostly about not having my cousin in my wedding party which had my mom not speaking to me for several weeks) it was drama free and became a much needed highlight in an otherwise dark time.
The wedding itself was perfect. My eyelashes, which had taken a bit of a hit following my grandmothers passing, were good enough that we did fake lashes with the existing ones, mascarared them up and no one could tell. It actually looked great. My eyebrows were thin but good enough and with a talented (and not criticial or mean!) make up artist I felt great. Pictures looked great and all my lifelong fears were gone. The wedding itself was very laid back and fun and it was so wonderful to have a day surrounded by all our friends and family. Both my now husband and I could not have asked for anything better (and I'll admit that I had quite a few drinks before the ceremony or I knew I would not get down the aisle thanks to my commitment phobia). Anyway, I can talk more about the wedding another time.
About two days after the wedding Hurricane Sandy hit (and ruined the reception hall where we had our wedding so we could not have been luckier). So many friends and family lost everything. Insignificantly, our honeymoon was pushed back about a week which was not the end of the world but on the day we arrived in Aruba I learned that my grandfather had also passed away. My grandparents had been married for 67 years and as sad as it was to lose them both I was glad to think that they were together again.
The next few months brought a lot of mixed emotions and trying to help my mom through a very depressing time for her. I also had several very large and stressful trials, trying to run the business while being on trial, looking for a new home (our least expires in 19 days and we are trying to buy an apartment in Queens but it's taking FOREVER and has been very sterssful), another 9/11 surgery for my dad, you name it. So I guess that brings me back to my apology for being absent. It's been tough and while that should have been even more incentive for me to keep up with my blog in the face of my raging trich, it just didnt happen.
Looking forward
So here I am again, continuing to deal with trich and all the issues that trich brings. I know that summer is just around the corner which makes trich even harder to cover up. My new plan is to try to learn to knit in the hopes that it gives me another outlet. I also am thinking about trying to learn to meditate which has always been a daunting and unrealistic idea since I'm normally just a giant ball of stress. I know I need to get back on track or else my self esteem will continue to suffer and diminish. So if you have tips, if in the 7 months I've been gone you happen to still be reading my blog and want to share anything that has worked for you, I would LOVE to hear about it. Time to switch things up again. But to start I will try and make more regular appearances here and hope that anyone reading this will bear with me as I struggle to battle this infuriating disease. Thanks for reading!
Trich Updates
First, I should begin this post by giving the update on my trich which is back in my life with a renewed vengence and has been for a few months. At the moment I have absolutely no eyebrows, my top lashes are spotty but not entirely gone, and my bottom lashes remain free of the wrath. For now. In addition, about 3-4 months ago I started pulling hairs from the top of my head which is something I had rarely ever done. I've always picked at my split ends but never my head hair. It started with looking for the very very short hairs that were at the crown of my head, then expanded to the hairs around where I part my hair. It actually started getting somewhat noticeable, at least to me, as the part of my hair became a bit wider than usual. I've since (mostly) stopped pulling from my head hair and I'm anxiously awaiting the return of those hairs.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
I usually like to get the bad news out of the way first so let's start there. In early September, about a month and a half before my wedding (and on the day of my very low key bachelorette party) I received a call that my grandmother had suffered a stroke and that we needed to say goodbye. My sister and I told her that we loved her and then tried to put on a happy face and went to meet friends for lunch. About 3 hours later, just before we were leaving for a Madonna concert and while on a boat ride around Manhattan, we learned that she had passed away. It's funny (not funny ha-ha but the other kind) but the sky became incredibly dark and stormy just as we learned the news.
My grandmother and I were EXTREMELY close and I would talk to her about everything and anything. She was the spunkiest, wittiest person I've ever known, right up until the day that she passed away (and we buried her on 9/11 which just made for an even more emotional day).We were very lucky to have her as long as we did since over the years there had been many times where we were told it was "the end". I had also seen her in January and had decided to take that opportunity to tell her everything I felt for her and how much I loved her. We had an incredibly wonderful yet tearful conversation about our love for each other and I will be forever grateful that I took that chance to talk to her (I was afraid it would be too morbid or upsetting but was also surprised that she didnt know just how much I loved her- she knew I loved her, just not how much).
Her loss left a very gaping hole in my family and obviously was very upsetting to my own mother. The time leading up to the wedding was very emotional for all of us. I know people say that weddings are very stressful but other than a speedbump or two (mostly about not having my cousin in my wedding party which had my mom not speaking to me for several weeks) it was drama free and became a much needed highlight in an otherwise dark time.
The wedding itself was perfect. My eyelashes, which had taken a bit of a hit following my grandmothers passing, were good enough that we did fake lashes with the existing ones, mascarared them up and no one could tell. It actually looked great. My eyebrows were thin but good enough and with a talented (and not criticial or mean!) make up artist I felt great. Pictures looked great and all my lifelong fears were gone. The wedding itself was very laid back and fun and it was so wonderful to have a day surrounded by all our friends and family. Both my now husband and I could not have asked for anything better (and I'll admit that I had quite a few drinks before the ceremony or I knew I would not get down the aisle thanks to my commitment phobia). Anyway, I can talk more about the wedding another time.
About two days after the wedding Hurricane Sandy hit (and ruined the reception hall where we had our wedding so we could not have been luckier). So many friends and family lost everything. Insignificantly, our honeymoon was pushed back about a week which was not the end of the world but on the day we arrived in Aruba I learned that my grandfather had also passed away. My grandparents had been married for 67 years and as sad as it was to lose them both I was glad to think that they were together again.
The next few months brought a lot of mixed emotions and trying to help my mom through a very depressing time for her. I also had several very large and stressful trials, trying to run the business while being on trial, looking for a new home (our least expires in 19 days and we are trying to buy an apartment in Queens but it's taking FOREVER and has been very sterssful), another 9/11 surgery for my dad, you name it. So I guess that brings me back to my apology for being absent. It's been tough and while that should have been even more incentive for me to keep up with my blog in the face of my raging trich, it just didnt happen.
Looking forward
So here I am again, continuing to deal with trich and all the issues that trich brings. I know that summer is just around the corner which makes trich even harder to cover up. My new plan is to try to learn to knit in the hopes that it gives me another outlet. I also am thinking about trying to learn to meditate which has always been a daunting and unrealistic idea since I'm normally just a giant ball of stress. I know I need to get back on track or else my self esteem will continue to suffer and diminish. So if you have tips, if in the 7 months I've been gone you happen to still be reading my blog and want to share anything that has worked for you, I would LOVE to hear about it. Time to switch things up again. But to start I will try and make more regular appearances here and hope that anyone reading this will bear with me as I struggle to battle this infuriating disease. Thanks for reading!
Friday, August 31, 2012
Accountability
The new group effort seems to be helping quite a bit. Both my mother and my sister have been texting me and grilling me regularly- particularly at night and in the morning when the urges are the hardest- and it does help. Admittedly I have slipped twice this week but both times was able to start. During last night's slip I pulled out two prickly little hairs and as I in the midst of a third I got a text from my sister telling me to stop and I did. At least things are looking up, especially since this tends to be the hardest phase when all the little hairs are just stubby and prickly and begging for me to pull them ......
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