One Girls Battle with Hair

21 day goal

2011-11-09T11:13:00.000-05:00

In the past week my eyelashes have certainly received a break and I haven't picked one but my left eyebrow still doesn't exist and the right one is about the same as it's been for a while- too thin and short with very little hair. The little stubby hairs that come in, and they come in surprisingly fast, make me so anxious and I can not leave them alone and touch them incessantly. Now that I don't have the tweezers, my beloved and hated tweezers, I have resorted back to hands and even, shamefully, scissors at one point. Yes, scissors, just so I can relieve myself of the anxiety and get the damn stubby hairs out.

I have 21 days until Jamaica. 21 days to get myself together and stop this nonsense so that I can swim and be in the sun without worrying that my eyebrows are disappearing and/or extremely and noticeably absent. The pilates has been helping but work is so stressful right now that I allow myself the bullshit excuses. So I will just continue to try and fight my way through the next 21 days.

New Month, New Resolve (or so I hope), New Picture

2011-11-01T13:57:00.000-04:00

Making it 24 hours has been harder then I thought and the last few days have been far from successful. There is something about the start of a new month (which ends in a trip to Jamaica) that I hope holds some promise.

The tweezer is now gone (about damn time) and i have picked at the skin on my pointer finger, the one with the permanent indentation, that I generally use to pull so now that is harder and painful (whatever works). I dont think the stress has been helping and lately I find that I'm also grinding my teeth and have been more tired than usual. I'm trying to address those issues which I know impact my pulling. Exercise has been almost impossible because my back has been bad but last week I tried pilates and it was WONDERFUL. It's sadly too expensive to do all the time but, as life might have it, yesterday we picked up a decent case so I'm just taking a few hundred dollars and buying a pilates package- it is more than I would normally spend but if it helps me feel better and in turn stop pulling then it's worth it. I need to address the stress in my life if I'm going to ever start making progress again with trich.

So my next trial class is today at 4:00 and then I am just going to take the money and pick one of the two pilates places I've tried- money be damned right now. If I have to give up on going out one night a week so I can do pilates twice a week for the next few weeks then the trade off is worth it. At least it is a start. That plus throwing out the tweezers I hope will help me start heading in the right direction..... and now to put aside the shame and show you my no-make up photo of the week (very scary- i have NEVER shown anyone before!)

Awareness

2011-10-26T14:47:00.000-04:00

It has been 24 hours since my last post and I've pulled 1 eyebrow and 1 eyelash. It was in the morning when I was thinking about my day and not paying much attention to what I was doing. At first, I was able to resist, catch myself, and not pull. Five minutes later they were gone. After a few deep breaths and reminding myself that I can do this, I got up, walked around, and havent pulled since.

It's a start. Not a great start but at least I'm more conscious of my actions so now I will try and go 24 hours without pulling any of them. This will clearly be a daily struggle (again) for a while.

Proof is in the photo

2011-10-25T14:26:00.000-04:00

So here it is. Granted I have make up on (and not a good job with it today) and my bottom lashes, which are the most visible, look pretty good but trust me even this picture with my non-existent eyebrows dont do justice to how bad it really is. But I'm showing you anyway. Have to start somewhere.

A long hiatus

2011-10-25T14:22:00.000-04:00

Wow. I had no idea how long I had been MIA. I'm sorry. It's funny (not haha funny) but the worse I am doing with my trich the less I write on my blog. Whether its embarassment, denial, exhaustion, I just dont know.

Needless to say, these last few months have not been my finest. I'm not really sure where it all went wrong but I've sucked. As I type this, I have a total of maybe 5 eyebrow hairs remaining on my left eye and the right one is thin to the point of being nonexistent. My eyelashes have not survived the last few months too well either. I still have eyelashes but I am back to drawing them in so they look fuller.

I've admittedly been lazy and the old habit of making excuses, really more like just flat out lying to myself about how bad things are, is clearly back in full force. Lately I can't make it more than a day without pulling. My self confidence is down, my guard is back up about anyone getting too close, it just sucks.

Over the next few months I have a lot going on. In just over a month my loving and supportive boyfriend and I will be going to Jamaica for a week of rest and relaxation. Jamaica involves water, swimming, bright lights, heat and sweating- none of which are easy against the rage of trich. How wonderful it would be to go back to those few months where I was carefree about all those things, when my eyelashes and eyebrows looked so great that I did not need to worry. Following Jamaica will be a big trial with a LOT of press coverage- yet another "should be" major incentive.

I can (and have) make a thousand excuses. I can also list 100 reasons why "now is a hard time to stop". It's bullshit. There is never a good or bad time- I just need to stop, it's not going to happen magically or become I will it to be so. It's only a possibility if I take control of the situation. So right now I pledge to make it until tomorrow. And then I will move on from there. Luck, prayers, and support are greatly appreciated as always :)

Hope you are all doing better than I am!

Seasonal Funk

2011-08-29T10:30:00.000-04:00

The urges to pull are often worse than usual when I'm feeling anxious and unhappy. Then pulling makes those feelings even worse so it all seems to feed onto itself. I'm not even sure that feeling the stubbly hairs make me any calmer but maybe I do it more so that my anxious energy is focused on something else. I wish I had a better understanding of how it works but in the past I've tried charting when I pull most and how I'm feeling at that time and I never noticed any striking patterns.

This week has been sucky. It started last weekend with an incredibly horrible and depressing trip to Florida where my mom and I broke the news to my grandparents that they had to go into a nursing home. They were so sad. We then set about the horribly depressing task of looking at nursing homes which is just awful. Even our flight home with multiple screaming children was awful.

After I returned home I couldnt shake this unhappy feeling. I took a day off from work and being around people (not easy in NYC so basically I just stayed in my apartment and watched movies) but even that didn't help. Then came the over hyped hurricane which fortunately didnt hit our area as badly as weatherman were claiming. Two days stuck inside a little apartment also didnt help.

Now it's almost September. My sister has said that she starts getting anxious around this time of year. Perhaps its knowing that the nice weather is coming to an end, the summer is almost over and we have another long winter ahead. Perhaps it is knowing that 9/11 is right around the corner- the nonstop coverage certainly doesnt help and brings back a lot of painful memories. Or maybe it's just not meeting my summer goals with weight loss and trich. Maybe a combination. Either way, nothing is helping.

One year compared to barely one day

2011-08-26T10:03:00.000-04:00

Last week I hit one year of not smoking but yet I am having trouble going one day without pulling my eyebrows. It's those damn short stubby ones I have trouble with- the others are generally okay. Sadly, this means they never grow because I pull out the stubs before they are worth anything. It's a horrible cycle.

Some people say that quitting smoking is the hardest thing, or one of the hardest, they have ever done but clearly those people don't have trich. For me, quitting smoking was a piece of cake compared to my daily struggle with trich.

Maybe I'm slacking, I've been so focused and busy with work that everything else has taken a back seat. I know that is just an excuse and that with anything, excuses get you nowhere. My boyfriend and I planned a romantic trip in the Caribbean and will be leaving on November 30- I want to have all my hair back by then. That's my goal. I don't want to be worried about the bright lights or about my makeup washing off in the water. I didn't make it work this summer and that was a shame, but it's good to have goals. I have to stop being lazy, stop making excuses, and make this happen. As if i haven't said that 100 times before. Any tips?

24 Hours Down

2011-07-29T09:17:00.000-04:00

24 hours and have not pulled. That eyelash still wants to be pulled so badly and from playing with over the week it it is now a little crooked which only makes not pulling it that much harder. Trying to stay strong. Now onto the next 24 hours although the weekends are a bit easier for me not to pull than the weekdays.

Day 1.

2011-07-28T10:03:00.000-04:00

The hair is still there. I want to pull it so bad. Instead, I pulled 3 stubby eyebrow hairs and I'm so frustrated with myself. Yesterday i was working from home and someone knocked on my door before I had put my make up on (aka painted in my eyebrows) and I freaked out. That feeling is awful and I remember the short time when I didnt have to worry about my make up and how freeing it was. Time to get back to that place. Right now is the first minute of Day 1. I just need to make it to Day 2.

Battle with that one hair

2011-07-27T11:31:00.001-04:00

You know that one hair, the one that is kind of keeping a spot from being completely bald, that you just cant stop touching? Ugh. I have one of those right now- it's been 4 days since i noticed it and have not pulled it but i want to so, so bad. The rest of my eyelashes are looking fantastic but that one spot that I pulled from earlier in the month is not filled in yet and if I pull this one hair it will leave the spot looking a lot sparser. At least now I can use mascara and eyeliner enough to lump them all together so the spot doesnt look so bare. It is begging me to pull it but I can't give in!

Have you ever just rubbed a hair back and forth in your fingers hoping that it just comes out on its own so you dont feel the guilt? I did that last night. i didnt pull but it's almost like you want that hair to loosen up or something and just 'naturally' fall out. I am able to rationalize and make so many excuses with my trich.

My eyebrows are still suffering but my eyelashes are good. With my eyebrows it's those stubby little hairs that I can't resist. So sick of this disease. NEED TO STOP PULLING COMPLETELY. Enough already!

Summer hair

2011-07-11T14:26:00.000-04:00

Summer is a hard time to be without hair. That should be incentive enough for me to stop pulling but it just doesnt seem to have done the trick. What the hell is going on? I'm trying so hard to figure out patterns of when I pull the most but I cant seem to notice anything other than I just like to pull. It's relaxing. Pulling a hair can be so satisfying. And then you feel like shit.

On a positive note last week my hair stylist stated that hair tends to grow much faster in warmer weather. Hello small silver lining. So at least if i pull it out now it will grow back a bit faster. ha. I need to stop. I WANT to stop. Do i just not want it bad enough? I've really had enough. Dont you wish there was just a magic pill that could help us? Sure, we have a pill to help old men get erections but we cant come up with a pill to help all of us that feel self conscious every day because we pull our hair. Maybe we need to speak up more, make the drug companies see what a market their is, how much money they could make. Until then, we need to figure out a way to stop the damn pulling. Grrr....

Anonymity

2011-06-30T10:48:00.002-04:00

I'm a little behind but I have finally figured out how to remove the "followers" box which shows who is following my blog. I don't know whether everyone feels as I do but having battled trich for the last 20+ years I know that I am super protective of my identity when it comes to trich. I subscribe to a yahoo trich listserv and I didn't even use my real name. Now I think the cat is out of the bag a bit, especially since I have started another blog for my law firm and the accounts are connected, but I wanted anyone reading this to know that I do value your support and respect a desire you may have to remain anonymous.

On another note, I am having a lot of trouble today staying away from my left eyebrow! ugh!

Summertime

2011-06-28T18:07:00.000-04:00

It's been a busy few weeks- a trial I did was recently part of an HBO documentary so we have been trying to capitalize on the free press for the new business. Also, my boyfriend has moved in and we are all situated in our tiny little apartment. Seriously, it's small but if we can make it work here then I think we can make it work anywhere.

My battle with trich has varied day to day. It's so hard when the little hairs start to grow in and they are prickly and I just want to pull them. Grrrrr. It's also that wonderful (insert sarcastic tone) time of the year when it's harder to hide- make up is more visible in the bright lights, swimming causes anxiety, you know how it is. But i'm still trying. And I love that big sunglasses (which hide some of the damage) are still in style!

Hitting Bottom

2011-06-07T22:01:00.000-04:00

Years ago, when I was suffering from a pretty bad period of depression following some awful tragedies, someone told me that sometimes you have to hit bottom so you can push off and head back to the top. That really resonated with me.

So I hit bottom a bit with my trich last week. I wouldnt say it's the "bottom" of how it's ever been- far from it in fact- but it's the lowest point I've been in the last 18 or so months. I pulled out all my hair on my left eyebrow, a few eyelashes in my just returning left eye, and on the right eyelid left a pretty decent sized lash-free gap.

Despite being tweezer free for some time now I will admit that it wasnt all pulling with my hands. I have a scissor, yup, a scissor, and I know exactly how close I can get the blades so that it has the same effect as my tweezers used to. It's embarrassing to admit this but it's true. It's not as bad as it used to be when I would stick safety pins into my skin to "free up" the hairs so that I could pull them out with my tweezers, wiping the blood away as I went but it's still bad and shameful to admit.

The worst part, aside from the shame, is that I'm back to figuring out how to draw in my left eyebrow without making it totally obvious. And since the right one isnt so bad it's hard to get them to match. It's also hard to go back to distancing myself from people, trying to avoid them noticing that my left eyebrow, and some of the right one, are mostly just a mix of eyeliner and eyeshadow. Just Saturday I was at a bridal shower and seated next to the wives of two friends who don't know about my trich- trying to talk to them while being self conscious the entire time was awful. A reminder of how far I had come and how much progress I erased in just one night.

There are many reasons I think I took this giant step back. I'm feeling even more unhappy with my inability to lose those last 10 pounds, especially since I had some TV interviews recently and thought I looked a bit chubby (i know i'm not fat but we all know the weight where we feel our best and i'm just not there). My boyfriend was also moving in which is a BIG step for me with my commitment issues. The idea of living in my fairly small apartment with a person who will be around EVERY day, possibly forever, just freaked me out a bit. I always do that- in the week before a big change I freak out, even when I know it's the right decision. I had warned him I would do it and on my second to last night at home alone, I freaked.

So I've taken a giant step back but once again I'm trying to remind myself that as long as I pick back up and move forward then I'm not a failure. Live and learn, or so some people say. I wish I knew what i was learning from this, from having trich at all, but I guess I probably will never understand this stupid horrible disease. I talked to my boyfriend and asked him to point out when I am touching my eyebrows or eyelashes and remind me not to pull.

I am now 5 days pull free and just hoping that this was my botton and that I have now pushed off and headed back for the top. Maybe one day I will stay there.

Make up remover

2011-05-23T23:09:00.000-04:00

Have you ever taken off all your make up only to be shocked and saddened by the damage you have done? I leave my eyebrow make up on almost all the time (it almost knows not to come off when I wash my face at night) and I knew I had been picking at my left eyebrow for the last few days but I just removed all my make up and damn, I did some damage. Booo. I have spots in between tiny little bits of hair while my right eyebrow is still looking pretty good (except the edges). Those stupid prickly little short hairs just kill me, I cant stay away from them!

So now I'm left with an almost non-existent left eyebrow and filling in make up when one brow looks good and the other looks like total crap sucks. Back to running to the bathroom in the morning to make sure my boyfriend doesnt see my messed up eyebrow. Granted, he knows I have trich but knowing and actually seeing me with no hair are two very different things. And with summer and bright light just around the corner (and him moving in in less than 2 weeks) I'm feeling pretty disappointed with myself.

Traveling with trich

2011-05-16T16:18:00.000-04:00

I am back from a wonderful vacation in Italy- we traveled to some really incredible places, ate a ton of great food and met some very interesting and lovely people. I am proud to say that my eyelashes are looking amazing and, for possibly the first vacation ever, I never worried about how they looked. I put on a little mascara in the morning and despite the dozens and dozens of pictures we were taking, many of them close ups, I could go all day and never worry that I needed to reapply. I didnt even bring my eyeliner with me during the days! Crazy and so liberating!

My eyebrows are another story. I can't stop messing with them. My tweezer has been long gone but my hand and fingers still love to grab on to the little stubby hairs and the longer hairs that are on the outer brows. Sometimes I will scratch at a hair, trying to will it to free itself from the skin just a little more so I can grab it and tug. Once I have scratched at it it will hurt and I become that much more aware of it. I didnt even seem to care that I would do it in front of my boyfriend. Every hair that was trying to make an appearance I would attack. When I freed that little stubby hair I would feel so good, like a weird sense of relief. Then on to the next one, or even waiting the next day until a new one arrived. Such a vicious cycle.

Right now my eyebrows are thin, not the worst they have ever been (granted, the worst was when they were non-existent) but not as good as they were a few months back. The sunny and BRIGHT weather we were fortunate to have in Italy reminded me that the summer is just around the corner where my eyebrow makeup will be that much more visible to anyone sitting close to me. I want to feel the same carefree way about my eyebrows that I feel about my eyebrows it's just so hard to stop. I guess today is a new day so I'm just going to try not to grab the little fuckers today. I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow. I guess for now I should also just try to look at the glass half full and be happy I have my eyelashes and make sure I focus too on keeping that up- one is better that none but to have both back would be amazing.

Back in the right direction

2011-04-26T10:07:00.000-04:00

Well I have learned my lesson to have a little more faith in people. I received an email from the hypnotist last night along with copies of the recordings- apparently she was on vacation. So tonight I will give the recordings another shot and see if it helps at all. Depending on how that goes for the next few weeks will determine whether or not I move forward with another session- it might not be for some time though since I need to save some money.

On Monday we leave for Italy and my lashes and eyebrows are not quite where I want them to be but certainly better. My left eye lashes are thin but there and the right actually looks pretty good. Both eyebrows are coming in slowly but surely. Phew. Wouldnt it be nice if we could just make a magic want and have them grow in at least somewhat quicker? The "growing" phase can be tough with so many prickly and out of place hairs.

Amazingly I have had some stray hairs on other parts of my body that I havent gone crazy about- yes I have tried to pull here and there but they have not set me into a panicky need to pull like they might have in the past.

So that's about it for now, not too much has been going on (other than I won my trial last week!) but just busy working before leaving for our trip (and in the process making room for the boyfriend to move in- I have gotten rid of more clothes than any person should have, especially for my tiny NYC apartment!)

Taking the good with the bad

2011-04-20T15:27:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks have been completely crazy and I"m hoping to finally finish up a trial tomorrow which is why I've been a bit MIA. With all the craziness there have been some ups and downs. I'll start with the downs.

The hypnosis doesnt work for me. Sadly it just didn't stick. About a week ago, despite the affirmation, I gave in to the pulling. For the last 2 1/2 weeks I've wanted to pull. I only pulled about 2 hairs but the urges are back in full force. Knowing that things were getting tough, I went back to the email to listen to the recording of my hypnosis sessions which had been helping. Sadly, they were "expired" and I can no longer access them. I emailed Nancy in the hopes that she would send me a copy of the recordings (i did spend close to $800 for the two sessions, I figured I could at least get a copy) but she has yet to respond and it's been over a week. It kind of pisses me off. Actually, it really pisses me off. I have another appointment wiht her scheduled for next Wednesday but unless she suddenly sends me the recordings (and permanent copies) i will not be attending.

On a positive note, yesterday I watched the video on the upcoming HBO documentary that features footage from my trial last March. I was so nervous that the footage would show a close up of my eyes and eyebrows- and couldnt recall exactly what shape my lashes and eyebrows were in- but fortunately it looks great and you cant even tell. phew. The documentary is on the NYC sex crimes unit and is tough to watch but interesting- it iwll be airing on HBO on June 20 and I recommend watching it (other than for just selfish reasons- my trial footage is not a big part of the film)

Also on a positive note, the hair I was worried wasnt fully coming back in has made a lot of improvement. I have also been handling the urges pretty well as I'm motivated by my upcoming trip to italy and cohabitation with the boyfriend. It hasnt been easy but I've been keeping busy and getting up when the urges hit so it's been manageable.

So that's about it for now. I wish I could have had better news with the hypnosis as i was really really hoping it would be a success. I know that Christina from the trich support group website had said it has very mixed results but I had high hopes. Oh well. I will just have to keep fighting. Buy-bye $800, at least I tried :(

A Family Affair

2011-04-07T19:46:00.000-04:00

Lots of people on other blogs and online support groups have commented on the various reactions from family members once they discover that the person has trich. Sadly, most of these reactions are not pleasant and have caused a lot of pain to the person suffering from trich and part of me thinks that at least a small part of that negative reaction can be attributed to the family member simply not knowing how to react.

I believe that most parents want to help their children but what do you do when your child has a destructive habit/disease that there is no cure for? Many people dont know anything about trich, let alone that it is so much more than a physical problem but that it has such a negative effect on our self esteem. About two posts ago I commented on how my dad would sometimes draw my eyelashes before going away so he could compare, and possibly punish me, if they were not the same when he returned. I've never forgotten that and while I know without a doubt my dad loves me and would never do anything to hurt me, it still has (obviously) had a last impact and was very hurtful and embarrassing. I wonder if it would have been different had our parents reacted differntly? But what could they have done?

My parents tried almost everything to get me to stop. Punishments, therapy, gloves, band aids, embarassment (I was also not allowed to get contacts until I stopped- after I hit 14 and still hadn't stopped what was then a 6 year habit, my parents caved and let me get rid of my hideous glasses. Oh yeah, and my mom used to say "boys dont make passes at girls who wear glasses" as kind of a fucked up incentive. Sweet)

Anyway, I digress. What made me first think to write this post in the first place was that this past weekend I attended a bat mitvah for my cousin and had lots of family around. It brought into sharp focus how many family members I have with some form of trich but also saddened me to think that out of the 8 or so family members that have had the disease in some form, not one ever talked to me about it in a productive way. My cousin, the cousin I am closest to but lives in CA, had trich worse than me but managed to stop. I have tried for YEARS to get her to talk to me about it, even told her about the hypnotist this past weekend, but she just doesnt want to. How can I push it, is that fair to her? I know how embarrassing and hard it can be to talk about it but it still bothers me.

I dont know. Besides my mom who pulled her eyelashes for a short time and then just stopped (and she can offer no helpful tips) my cousin is the person who would be able to relate to me the best. I know I have to let it go but I hope and pray that if I ever have kids or nieces or nephews or even friends that have trich, that I will happily offer them every and any resource and help I can. I hope that one day this is no longer a shameful disease but something people know about and understand, so that we can all feel comfortable talking about it.

Anyway, on another note, my boyfriend met my entire family at the bat mitvah and was a bit hit. We also had some pretty serious discussions this weekend and have decided to move in together. Even though he knows about my trich I still would never want him to see me completely without make up (and my hair is growing back pretty slowly but still growing back) so I have until June to get everything back. Let's hope the hypnosis sticks but my motivation just grew even more!!

Regression

2011-04-04T17:36:00.000-04:00

I received a comment asking about regression which I had decided not to do. I wish I could be more helpful and offer deeper insight but i shut down pretty quickly to the idea. Basically the hypnotist wanted to bring me back, in the trance, to the first time I pulled so that we could better understand why it was I pulled the first time in the hopes that we could change that pattern of behavior.

I guess I've tried so hard over the years to make sense over why I pull but at this point would rather focus on how to stop. It's hard to explain but people trying to tell me what I was feeling or why I started this make me very anxious. Part of me really thinks its genetics because of all the people that have trich in my family. Nancy had told me that really it didnt matter if I could remember exactly what I was doing or feeling at the exact time but we could even plant an idea in my head. She asked me questions like "did you see your mother pull?" (no), "were you upset about a test you were studying for?" (rarely, especially not at that age), were you having family issues?"(eh, always but who the heck remembers specifics), "did you feel lonely or not have many friends so you were upset?" (no, I grew up in a very close community and had a lot of friends in 3rd grade when I had not yet even hit the massive awkward stage).

So I dont know if it would have helped or not or what the process is exactly, I just know that for me it didnt feel like a productive use of the time and money I was spending, especially since I knew that due to limited finances that would likely be my last session). For anyone who may be interested or want to know more, Nancy Donenfeld does answer her own phone and is happy to answer questions so I would encourage you to call her. Sorry I cant be more helpful but if anyone decides to do it I'd love to hear more about it, maybe I should have been more open minded.

The day it all started

2011-04-01T10:05:00.000-04:00

Can you remember the day that you started pulling? Had you seen someone else pull? how did it start?

I can remember the first day even though it was 22 years ago when I was 8 years old. I dont remember a lot of specifics, like what made me pull that first one, but I do remember that I was sitting at a black desk in the living room of my old house doing homework and I pulled them all out. I remember being able to see the lashes even though they were black and somewhat faded into the color of the desk. It was one of those desks where it's more like a chest and you pull down a panel and it becomes a desk, do you know what I mean? I remember the hair being all over and part of me kind of liked it. Even then I knew it was something i wanted to keep secret and I recall being conscious of where everyone in the house was. I also remember blowing and wiping all the hair away when i was done with my homework and feeling slightly nervous and ashamed at what would happen next. What I didnt know was that it was the start of 22 years of shame and heartache, of insecurities and embarrassment.

There is a lot of random little thoughts about trich that I recall. For example, I remember my dad going away at some point - this is after my parents became aware of my pulling- and drawing a picture of my eyes and where all my eyelashes were. The point was so that he could compare whether or not I had pulled when he returned. I dont remember if I was punished when he returned as I'm sure I did pull but I remember feeling so embarassed and ashamed of the whole process.

I think that is the worst part of this disease- the shame. It makes us so insecure and shameful even though it's a disease and we have nothing to feel ashamed about. We can't help it. It's funny how you live with something for so long and build it up in your head but when others that love you find out, they dont think it's even half as big of a deal as we expected it to be. Maybe if more people knew about this disease and understood it we could eliminate the shame we all feel and really start tackling finding ways to beat it. I dont know. I just hope my own trich goes no further than 22 years- that is enough for me.

One week later

2011-03-31T17:50:00.000-04:00

It has been a week and I have not pulled any hairs. My eyebrows are a scattered mess, with stray hairs everywhere, but I am just letting them be. This alone is a pretty amazing feat. Am I actually going to have normal sized eyebrows one day?

And for anyone that may actually read my blog regularly you will recall that months ago I wanted to break up with my tweezers but I could never make the break. On Tuesday night I threw them away. Just like that. Buh-bye you little bastard, while you may be helpful to some you are an awful helpful (but not in a good way) crutch for me. NO MORE! i have one or two stomach hairs part of me would love to tweeze out but screw it. They will just have to be.

No sugar, lots of exercise (maybe almost too much, I was exhausted yessterday to the point where my legs were shaky so taking today off) and otherwise doing well. On Tuesday night the new MP3 the hypnotist sent put me too sleep immediately and I had the best sleep I've had in a while. Even the urges to pull have not nearly been as bad to overcome. I will definitely be listening to my MP3 tape again tonight. Maybe this actually worked?

Hypnosis session #2

2011-03-29T20:31:00.000-04:00

Today was appointment #2 and my wallet is $390 (not $350 like I thought) lighter. We started again by just talking. Initially she suggested doing a regression to take me back to the first time I pulled, which I remember, to determine why I was pulling. Honestly, anytime someone tries to explain to me why I pull I get pissed off. I've tried for years to figure it out and honestly I dont think there is just one answer and I dont need someone else telling me what started it or why I do it in a multitude of situations- I just want to start. Needless to say, I said no to this idea. Just not for me.

So we moved on. I ran 7 miles this morning and have had some clients stressing me out so by the time my 4:00 appointment rolled around I was already feeling a little drowsy. She started out the same as before, stating I would go 'deeper' this time. Admittedly, I did feel much different and more intense then last time. Now comes the hard part- waiting to see if it worked.

To clarify on a few things- i was concerned because I still have felt an urge to pull. Apparently this is normal. The urge isnt expected to just disappear, but the will to not pull and to make the choice to not pull and give into the urge is supposed to get much stronger until it eventually becomes an unconscious decision. For example- I may still want to eat the delicious cupcake sitting in front of me but it becomes an easier choice not to eat it because my subconscious thought process wants to lose weight more so I turn the cupcake down. Does that make sense? Apparently from this point forward its just going to be easier for me not to pull. My fingers are still crossed (as are my legs, and arms and everything I can possibly cross). I also have another MP3 to listen to from todays session. We'll see what happens.

Monday morning anxiety

2011-03-28T08:46:00.000-04:00

This morning I looked in the mirror and am focused on the bald spot on my eyelid. It's a spot I pulled from in two weeks before the hypnosis (even the day before) but no hair has come in yet. Why I'm suddenly freaking out about this I have no idea, it's not like my hair has stopped coming in in any other spot I've pulled from. Oh well. On a positive note, I do have lots of stray hairs coming in on both of my eyebrows and I have not pulled them :)

Update on hypnosis results

2011-03-27T22:01:00.001-04:00

It's Sunday night and figured I'd give a quick update. It's been 3 full days since I underwent my first round of hypnosis. I listened to the MP3 the hypnotist made again on Friday night but not last night as my boyfriend was over. It's weird b/c I'm a little more conscious of what is being said on the MP3 then when I was in her office, in part I think because of the distractions outside (NYC streets are NEVER quiet). I do find the recording very relaxing.

In 3 days I have had absolutely no desire for sweets and was actually turned off by these 100 calorie coffee cakes I usually love. My boyfriend, Pete, looked at me like I was nuts when I turned his offer to share a pack down. "I think it worked" was his response. I didnt go to the gym yesterday or today b/c my back has been a bit sore but I've definitely wanted to and look forward to going tomorrow.

Now onto trich. I'm still so worried it didnt work but there is evidence to the contrary. Pete has an insanely long eyebrow hair that I commented on and he said I could pull- I turned him down although part of me really wants to pull it, another part of me doesnt. I am still not pulling my eyelashes or eyebrows but the urges have not gone completely away. I also have a freakishly curled eyebrow hair but I havent pulled it and when I reach my hand up to feel the hair I still immediately pull my hair down and find myself repeating the mantra the hypnotist had said during the session "I have all my hair, I want to keep all my hair". Now I will admit that I had two hairs on my stomach I did pull. Is that the same thing? I think so which is why I'm worried it's just a matter of time before I pull something else.

Tuesday's appointment at 4pm is still on and I plan to give it one more shot. I want this to work so bad, maybe that will help the process :)

Hypnosis- The Results?

2011-03-25T15:06:00.000-04:00

I did it. I shelled out $440 on hypnosis, I did get a little sleepy and now I'm waiting to see if it worked. Here's how it went:

I showed up for my 1:00 appointment and we just talked a bit about trich and other changes I wanted to make such as loving exercise and not craving sweets so much. It's difficult to relay everythign she said but it was basically about how you need to reprogram the way you think, that every urge can only last for a total of 60 seconds (apparently proven by psychiatrists for years) and how you cant have two opposite urges- I cant want to pull and not want to pull.

Nancy (the hynotist) also believes that we are more influened by positive thoughts than negative and we can retrain our minds to make positive choices- that by envisioning ourselves a certain way eventually we retrain how our mind works and choose the better alternative. One example she used was driving abroad- we are so used to driving on one side of the road yet, according to her, when people go to Europe and have to drive on the other side, they just do it. There is very little time to train themselves because its something you HAVE to do and apparently there have been studies to show there are no greater amount of accidents as a result of people used to driving on one side then suddenly driving on the other. We are forced to make that choice so we do it.

Another example was potty training. As infants we are used to "relieving" ourselves in a diaper but we can be trained to go into a bathroom and use a toilet and never use a diaper again. Same thing with drinking from a bottle. I'm not sure I'm conveying all this properly but its really about positive training. If we retrain ourselves to think "i have all my hair and i want to keep all my hair" eventually that becomes the automatic choice and it is helped by planting the seed into our subconscious but we have to convince ourselves we want it and its possible.

So onto the hypnosis. It was done in her office while sitting in a chair- you pretty much start out by staring at the ceiling while she talks and then focusing on your breathing. Eventually you go into what she calls a "trance" state. Apparently it is normal to still have other thoughts during this time and I will admit I had the popular Cee Low (spelling?) song "Fuck You" in my head because I heard it in the cab on the way over. Then I was worried that would screw it up but I did get pretty drowsy and otherwise focused on what she was saying. i was also picturing myself with full, beautiful eyelashes for most of it. It felt like it was about 7-10 minutes and I guess it was actually 18 or so.

That was it really. During the process she would repeat the mantra "I have all my hair" and occasionally throw in "i want to keep my hair" and "i love to exercise because it makes me feel so good" and "i stay away from sugar because I like to feel good and be thin". Part of me felt like the "i have all my hair mantra" wasnt the best- I would rather have had more emphasis on "i want to keep all my hair" but I'll mention that next time.

So yes, there is a next time. She often recommends it and considering we are dealing with a 22 year "habit" I felt a reinforcement session was worth it- might as well try and make that money work- the second session is $350 i think. All in all it was kind of what I expected, kind of not. She said I was in a very deep trance which she could tell from my breathing but I dont know- maybe the person 'in the trance' doesnt know. I walked away a little bit unsure but hopeful and with a recording of the entire session that I listened to, as recommended, just before I went to bed last night.

Now the results. I'm so worried that it didnt work- I keep also wanting to test it out but then of course I dont want to. I will say that I was happy to go to the gym today and worked out quite a bit longer than usual but I could also attribute that to losing 1.5 pounds over the last 2 days and having an awful, stressful morning with jerky and obnoxious clients. I also went out to eat last night to a comfort food place and was repulsed by the greasy grilled cheese sandwich- was it because I now like to be healthy or was it actually gross? Normally i love greasy and cheesy. And I have had no desire for anything sweet in the lat 24 hours which is crazy but could that be from just working out all week and loving the weight i've been losing? (and you know how sometimes when you leave the gym you just want health food?) Yeah, I dont know. Maybe I'm looking for excuses or affirmation it worked, who knows- I'm on the fence.

As for trich- I have several times reached my hand up to "smooth" and feel my eyebrows and eyelashes but even when I get my hand close, I immediately put my hand back down. I've been thinking about it constantly but am I just extra motivated right now NOT to pull or did the hypnosis really work? I would LOVE to know but I guess only time will tell............

PS- If it does work then I'm happy to say for anyone interested- apparently she does a lot of work with people over the phone so just because you dont live in/around NYC doesnt meant you can have the benefit of her services. I'll keep you posted :)

Cautiously Optimistic

2011-03-23T13:47:00.001-04:00

I've going back and forth between being very hopeful that today could be my last day pulling and being afraid that I'll be let down and the hypnosis won't work. Can you imagine a life with no urges? It sounds too good to be true.

Just as a marker I am posting a photo (please ignore how ridiculously huge my forehead looks in it and the dark circles under my eyes) just to mark what I hope will be the end of the "bad times" and the start of progress once again. It's a bit hard to take a photo of just your eyes without looking crazy. Also, I do have on some make up since I need to head back out soon.

So we shall see. I guess the best way to put it is that I'm cautiously optimistic- I'm not a big believer in prayer but I'll definitely be saying one tonight.

Glass Half Full

2011-03-21T13:35:00.000-04:00

After a lot of thought and online research, I'm going to give the hynosis a shot. The woman I am seeing has rave reviews online and Christina from the TLC site said that she does know about 60 people who had success with hypnosis (granted that was out of thousands she has met with who have trich although she didnt know how many had unsucessfully tried this method).

The decision was actually the result of a call from my mom, who at first was very skeptical of the idea. I told her I was mostly just worried about spending $500 and then it not working. She asked me "how much would you spend for a cure?" The answer: Thousands. I would give away every penny I had in savings, granted its not much, if it meant not having urges to pull ever again. My mother made me see that I was so worried about spending the money if it didnt work, but if it did work then it would be the best $500 I've ever spent. Thanks mom.

My boyfriend and my sister are also on board and basically said the same thing as my mom so this Thursday at 1pm I'm going to give it a try. Christina (the TLC support group moderator) said that I have to understand that even if it works it does not mean I no longer have trich, it just means I've had help controlling the urges but still need to be on guard and may even need a "refresher" hynosis in a few years.

Another plus is that I've also asked the hynotist to convince me that I love to exercise and hate eating sweet foods. She said she would. Why not make the most of that $500? I've already lost 5 pounds this week just by cutting out bad foods and exercising for an hour 5 times a week but I'll take all the help I can get :)

You are getting very sleepy

2011-03-17T12:25:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry for once again disappearing from the world of blogging. It's been a tough few months for me and I've been doing a lot of self inflection. Somehow I've managed to achieve complete happiness with my professional life but my personal life, or at least personal issues, are struggling. If only i could figure out how to achieve success and happiness in both at the same time.

My new firm is going great and it has been a lot of work but I love every moment. My family is doing well and my relationship is still going strong, in fact, we just booked a trip to Italy and will be going in May. I think that is actually my motivation for trying to move forward with the pieces I've let drop.

Trich and I are battling each other once again. I have not fully reverted back to my old pulling ways (where I would be completely hairless) but I'm not doing as well as I was a few months ago and I'm by no means pull free. The eyebrows are still the worst and the eyelashes are thin and, at least in my mind, need make up to compensate for what is lacking.

For the last 2 months I've been in a lot of pain due to a back injury. They recently (and finally) discovered 2 herniated disks in my upper back after insisting for years (and countless lower back MRI's) that it was nothing and giving me medication. After my trip in January, when it became difficult to even walk, I finally started demanding answers. Fast forward to now and I am JUST getting back to the gym and my active lifestyle back. So now I'm 15 pounds heavier than I'd like (it's not an issue of being heavy as much as I just dont FEEL good in my own skin which I think is more important than the number).

So now I'm back to trying to tackle both. It's so frustrating to constantly have this cycle but I guess it is what it is and it could always be worse. Over the last few weeks I've spoken with different people about "bad habits" (although I will say I do not think trich is a habit) and at some point it was suggested to me that I try hypnosis. I will admit that I am skeptical and the money is definitely the biggest issue. I spoke to one woman today, Nancy Donenfeld, who says she has worked with about 50 trich patients in close to 30 years and that at least 40 of them had great success. The cost is $440 for the first session, $390 for the second, then $290 for the third, and $190 for any after that. She said that often it will work in the first or second session (and the person who referred her to me said it worked after one session).

As of now I have a tentative appointment for next Thursday. I will give the woman credit that she is certainly persuasive in getting you to set up an appointment! I've thought about it off and on and I think really if it was maybe $200 I'd do it in a heartbeat. I feel like I'm now at a crossroads- spending $1000 to possibly have freedom from trich? Seems like it could be worth it but I also think part of me is so afraid that this is my last resort and if this fails, what if I cant beat it on my own? Wow, writing does help. I think I just realized my biggest issue with it. Hmm..... well, i'm going to go sleep on that but if you have suggestions or comments I'd love to hear them.

Once again, I'm sorry for not writing for so long and hope that you have had better luck with trich these last few months than I have!

It's a great day to get better. Again.

2011-01-24T15:24:00.001-05:00

It's hard to know where to start today. First, to explain my absence for the last 20 days. As most of you know, I recently started a business which has been going very well but has required a lot of work. I also went away with my family for a week (wont be doing that again) and then this last week has just sucked.

Now let's start with the negative. The last week or so has just been awful in managing my trich. My left eyebrow might as well be completely gone and I lost count how many eyelashes I have pulled. I couldnt stop. All times of day, all mindsets, I just kept giving in to the urge to pull. I wish I had a good excuse but they are all just that, excuses. I was PMS'ing which I truly believe is the worst time of month for me and trich and I smoked a little pot again which somehow seems to bring out the pulling side of me. The pot is now gone and I really wont ever smoke again. I cant, not if I want to beat this stupid disease.

I've been thinking a lot about the question 'why do you pull'? which someone asked me not too long ago. They asked if it felt good and I'd have to say it does, but in a twisted sort of way. I love when I pull and it hurts. When the sting of pulling lingers for just a few minutes. I love the control, the satisfaction of pulling hairs i dont feel belong. But I hate it. I hate myself when I pull, I hate how literally one second after the 'good feeling" i feel like shit and go into an automatic panic about how bad the damage will be. I hate covering it up. I hate all the reasons I've listed on previous "reasons to stop pulling". I hate that I thought I was doing so well.

To backtrack just a bit, I really was doing pretty well. I believe in my last post i mentioned that I hadn't yet told my boyfriend but wanted to. Well about about 2 days after that post we went to a memorial service for his cousin that passed away. We took the train back to the city with his aunt and uncle. For some reason I thought at one point that his aunt might be wearing a wig but it looked natural and I really didnt think that much about it. Despite being overly sensitive to everyone else's hair, or lack thereof (eyebrows, eyelashes, and head hair) nothing really stood out to me. Once we got to Penn Station we went our separate ways and Pete and I grabbed a cab back to my apartment.

I forget exactly how it came up but he asked me if I noticed that she was wearing a wig? He stated that she had a disease where she pulled her hair and he thinks a few years ago it stopped growing back. Obviously this was as good of an intro as I was ever going to get so I took it and told him that I also have that disease, have had it for 22 years, but am working really hard to beat it. His response "wow, thanks for telling me, I never noticed. I think you look great." Yup, that was it. We talked a little more about it and I told him how hard it was for me to talk about it but he said that "everyone has their 'thing'" and he was just glad I felt comfortable enough to tell him and if I ever wanted his help or to talk about it he'd be there. Yet one more reason I know he is a good guy and I made the right decision going out with him (and he bought me flowers and a cupcake (if you ever come to NYC, got to two red hens bakery and get a cupcake, amazing) when I got home from my trip, seriously, if he had brothers I would advertise them on here since I'd want each of you to get one). :)

So that was a big step for me and I thought it was going well. Then i went away with my parents and my sister for a week. It was incredibly generous for my parents to take us with them to the Dominican Republic but it wasnt the easiest trip. My sister and I have recently been having a very hard time with my dad and the residual anger he had from 9/11. It's difficult to explain but it's been very emotional and a bit exhausting. People may think that because he walked out (ok, walked might be a BIG overstatement since he spent weeks in the hospital), and despite his ongoing injuries/burns he is ok but he isnt. People may also think that we have it easier b/c he survived and that we are so lucky. Yes, we are so incredibly lucky but no one ever tells you how hard it will be to live with someone who generally looks the same but one day is a different person. You see glimpses of the "old dad" while feeling guilty about not just accepting "new dad". You feel guilty that you arent just grateful you have a dad at all. I wont go into any more detail because you are probably bored from reading this anyway but it's been something we've been struggling a lot with lately and spending a week with my parents had its ups and downs (good think I havent shared this blog with them, haha). Oh, and my father should be nicknamed "Kramer" since he has many mannerisms and habits similiar to the Seinfeld character (instead of falling into a doorway, he opted to jump on a piling and land literally in the cabana of this European couple who I think were more annoyed then surprised- this is just one of many, many episodes).

I guess that has been the general gist. I had to buy some new make up today and polish back up my skills of "filling in my eyebrows" so they dont look too dramatic or strange. Fortunately my eyelashes are generally ok. Yes, they are thinner but I could probably still go with just a little mascara or eyeliner. Since I'm so overly sensitive, I've been using both eyeliner and mascara just to make myself feel better. The right eyebrow is very thin but at least it's still more or less there. The left one, well, it's clearly a mess. I guess I begin again. The next few weeks I will be working on pulling it (bad choice of words I suppose) all together and moving forward. As a friend of mine once used to say "it's a great day to get better". Onward and upward I hope and, as always, thanks for reading my ramblings and if you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them.

2011 Starting Point

2011-01-03T17:16:00.000-05:00

I'm going to start this year out with a photo, despite still being terrified at the idea of posting photos. you cant run from photos, they are what they are and for the most part they are a pretty accurate depiction. Those forehead lines? Can't run from those. The thin eyebrows with the smudging make up? They are there, front and center. My new mac computer has a camera option so really there is so excuse.

As you'll see, my eyelashes (which i'll admit have mascara and a little bit of eyeliner on them as this photo and post are a bit impromputu) look pretty good. The bottom ones havent been pulled in months. The tops ones are basically just as I described the other day- if you look at the left one close to my nose you might notice that there is a bit of a gap from where I pulled a few weeks ago. The time waiting while they are growing back in - when the hairs are small and crooked -is really the hardest time for me not to pull. And my shitty thin looking eyebrows are just sad and crying out for my to let them be.

It's still progress from this time last year, big progress actually as I properly had a few stray hairs (it always reminds me of the song from elementary school "the cheese stands alone, the cheese stands alone" for some bizarre reason- ha). Anyway, thats that and I feel I owe it to my ego to remind myself that I left off a BIG accomplishment from 2010- I quit smoking. Yes, that's me patting myself on the back but screw it, it was hard (a that's what she said reference is definitely called for here for anyone who is a fan of 'the office' like I am).

So there it is. My first step and the hard truth that I start off this year with. Does anyone have suggestions? Things that are working? Topic ideas? (sometimes that is the hardest part of having a blog- coming up with new ideas but lately I've been stuck on my boyfriends hairs and despite already posting about it, I might do another- i cant tell you how much I want to pull his stray eyebrow hairs sometimes!)

Reflections and Updates for 2011

2011-01-01T18:09:00.001-05:00

Happy 2011 to all! It's a new year and a fresh start. 1/1/11 just seems to scream "Square 1" or "new beginnings". As I look back on the past year I'm trying to take an optimistic approach- a lot has changed. I start out this year with hope, the way I started out last year, but also with a sense of reality that sometimes, although we dont accomplish ALL our goals, progress can not be ignored or discounted. Progress leads to change which can lead to success.

Last year my resolutions were as follows:

1. I will be honest, brutally honest, I will confess when I have slipped, what I have pulled and at some point in the near future, I will post pictures of my eyes documenting progress.

2. I wont make excuses or apologies (after this).

3. I will commit to writing in this blog at least 3 times a week.

4. I will come to terms with all aspects of this disease- I will finally own up to it with my friends...and deal with it

All in all I'm pretty happy with how I did even though it wasnt exactly as I set out. I have confessed when I slipped and at one point even posted a picture of my eyes. I did make a few excuses and I definitely did not blog at least 3 times a week but I tried and had a total of over 80 posts for the year (so on average 1-2 a week) which isnt horrible. But most of all I'm proud of the fact that I did come to terms with my trich, I did own up to it with my friends and family and actively took steps to conquer this lingering demon of a disease.

In terms of progress, I have mixed feelings on that. I sit here with about 94% of my eyelashes (that one stupid spot from 2 weeks ago hasnt quite filled in) but I havent pulled recently and 94% is about 93% more than I had at this time last year. My friends know, I recognize my triggers more than I did, and I no longer feel the overwhelming shame I felt telling people last year (ok, well a little confession, I am sitting here next to my boyfriend of almost 7 months who I still have not had the "talk" with- small steps on that one I suppose- I'm not really sure wyh I havent told him). My eyebrows look, well, shitty. I havent pulled in a few weeks but they are still very thin. Adding the optimistic spin to that, once again its more than I had last year and the fact that I havent pulled in a few weeks is still a big accomplishment for me, certainly more than I had hoped for myself last year (and I finally, FINALLY quit my job and started a business so I'm pretty damn proud of that).

So once again it's time to move forward, to set new goals to work for (and I have a new computer so I have no excuse not to blog) This year I have a pretty simple resolution really- i want to improve on my previous progress. Yup, that's it. I am not going to say I am going to beat trich because after this year I just dont know that you ever fully beat this disease, you just learn how to manage it and suppress it to where you can actually have hair again. I think that saying "i'll beat trich" sets an unfair and unrealistic expectation- its too easy to slip and give up when half the battle, at least for me, is forgiving myself for the slips, not giving up and picking up to move on without erasing all the progress I'd previously made. If I slip and pull one hair and then stop myself, that's progress. Sure, it would be amazing not to pull at all but baby steps seem to be keep trying, keeping learning about this disease and finding new ways to improve and manage it.

I guess it comes down to this:

1. Improve on previous progress. By December 2011 I want to have kept all my eyelashes (and added a few) and have more than a thin line of eyebrow hair.

2. Tell my boyfriend about trich and continue to be honest.

3. Exercise- this has two purposes, the first, i want to lose the 10 pounds of christmas cookies I ate this month and second, exercising helps keep my mind clear which I've noticed has helped my stay on my toes with trich. My goal, again being realistic, is 3 times a week for at least one hour.

4. Be grateful and worry less. I'm not going to go into the reasons behind this one so much right now- suffice it to say the last few weeks have been an eye opener for me on how short life is and how much time I/we spend worrying about things that never come to fruition but yet we waste so much time on. I want to be happy with what I have instead of always worrying about what I should have in the future or dont have right now. let's face it, stress isnt good for trich either so it all ties back in.

Well that's it for now. I hope that everyone has a happy and healthy 2011 and, as always, thank you so much for the support and for reading!

The ups and downs of winter

2010-12-15T20:09:00.000-05:00

It's been a crazy few months. I knew starting a business would be crazy but I had no idea how many steps were involved! On Friday I finally left my old job which was a pretty big mix of emotions. I love some of the people I was working with (to be honest there were only 4 people besides my boss, i liked everyone but him) but it was definitely time to go and even on my last day my boss provided me with a wonderful reminder of why I was doing the right thing (apparently telling the new "marketing" guy he has already screwed over that I left b/c I had a trust fund and he wouldnt make me partner- haha!) Oh, how I wont miss the bullshit and the drama.

So a new chapter has now begun. I was exhausted working my old job and trying to get the new firm up and going. On Monday we finally launched our website and began emailing announcements. We've been so fortunate to already have some clients so that has eased a small, small amount of the financial burden.

On to important matters. Trich. I wish I had better news although I guess it's not all bad. I slipped. About a week or so ago I was exhausted, let down my guard, and began to pull from my left eye. There was one hair, one stupid hair, that was 'above' all the others so of course that one had to go. Then it was uneven so another went. Then it didnt look right so another after that. You know how it goes. I think all in all I pulled about 5 or 6 hairs from the same general spot so if you look closely, its certainly noticeable and I'm back to relying on eyeliner in the interim.

I knew I should stop. i kind of wanted to stop but honestly not all that bad- it felt pretty good. Until it was over, then, like every other time, I felt like crap. My eyebrows, or what little continues to be left of them, have not gotten better or worse since the last time I posted. So now we are coming on a year since I began this blog and I definitely have been analyzing my ups and downs, thinking what I can do different. While I'm glad at all the progress I have made, I wont lie, I'm still disappointed that for yet another year my resolution will be to "beat trich". I havent smoked since August which is good but they dont lie when people say you put on 10-15 pounds after quitting smoking. So this week I hit the gym again and am recommitting to my fight against trich- I am the only one responsible for how I look and feel right now and it's time I took a little more ownership of myself.

There will always be stress, maybe now its not because of my boss but because I will worry where my next paycheck will come from. There will ALWAYS be an excuse. All of this is part of life. I can own it or let it own me. So I will continue to try and come up with a way to beat trich and, in the meantime, try and become a better blogger for those of you that are supportive and kind enough to read my blog and have offered words of encouragement. I hope this next year brings all of you success with this stupid disease. Maybe one day there will actually be a cure but until then we just keep on fighting..

I Quit!

2010-11-23T17:00:00.000-05:00

I did it. I finally did it. After 3 years of being unhappy with my job I finally quit to pursue my own firm. It's been an emotional couple weeks- I really threw it all into high gear- but I finally got up the nerve to do it and, to top it off, I have not pulled my eyelashes despite the stress of it all. Ok, I admit that I have been having a little more trouble with my eyebrows but its not out of control. Considering how hard it can be not to pull during stressful times I am pretty proud of myself and again, attribute a lot of the success to just keeping my hands busy. It sounds silly but it works, I just find something to do and spend very little time in front of the mirror.

As for the job, I'm not sure what the future brings. Giving up a paycheck isnt easy but the signs have all been there and this has been a year of change for me (and self-improvement) so this is just the next big step. I'm excited to see what can happen. I have managed to control my eyelash pulling trich, which had control over me for 22 years, so I think anything can be possible. Yes, i still need to work on my battle with the eyelashes but I'm trying to cut myself a little slack and be grateful for the progress I've made. I'm hoping that I also just eliminated a big stressor from my life by quitting my job, or at least a big source of unhappiness. Oh, and did I mention I also havent smoked in 3 months? :)

Finding the balance

2010-11-08T10:57:00.001-05:00

Now that I've pretty much stopped pulling my eyelashes (i wont say completely stopped b/c I'm sticking to the old docs "you have beaten it until 2 years" statement), I'm trying to find a balance with my eyebrows which are a little trickier. When it comes to eyelashes, pulling or plucking at all just cant happen or its clearly noticeable. The eyebrows are obviously more of a gray area.

For me, I always overdo it when I tweeze or "groom" my eyebrows. Its compulsive but a vicious cycle. I know they are too thin, I get that. After having my make up done a few weeks ago I realize how much better it would look to have thicker eyebrows- the question is whether I can get to that point. Once the hairs start coming in, and it looks "scraggly" (is that even a word) I become obsessed. I cant have tiny little hairs all over the place even if in a few weeks it would mean thicker, nicer eyebrows. Maybe it would be different if they could instantly fill in, then I wouuld live with it, but its the interim eyebrows that ruin it for me.

I know I should just stop pulling altogether but I know that just isn't likely to happen for me. I cant have the scraggly look or I know I will start pulling and once that happens, I will overdo it and be left with half a thin eyebrow. In the past it has not uncommon for me to have about 1/2" inch of eyebrow- straight and thin- clearly over-plucked to the trillionth degree. I don't even know if you can call that an eyebrow. Its more like above-the-eye-hairs all in a row.

Its been suggested to have them waxed but I'm still in that phase where there just wouldn't be enough to wax and I think most women who do wax other areas would agree you have to be able to live with scraggle for a little while before you can have someone do it. I just cant get to the point where it grows out enough to do that. Again, the vicious cycle continues. I think this "overgrooming" is pretty common. Also, I've never really had to wax any area since I've never been able to stand much hair anywhere on my body.

Any tips on how to find this balance? I'm just hoping it will come to me, that there will be some big change or that I can not pull or "groom" long enough to get them in and then have it either professionally done or at least be grooming a generally larger eyebrow. We'll see what happens. I guess this is my next big test but fortunately I am still going very strong with my eyelashes which is a big relief (and that gives me hope I can tackle anything!)

Bad, bad blogger but great eyelashes!

2010-10-29T15:41:00.000-04:00

I have been a horrible blogger lately. I'm sorry. I havent been able to spend much time on the computer in the last few weeks because of so much running around (the job situation may be changing very soon!)

I'm still doing really well, now with both my eyebrows and eyelashes. I had one night, about a week ago, where I pulled two eyelashes for no apparent reason but then I stopped myself, walked away, and the urges have not yet returned. The key for me is really keeping busy. The busier I am, the less I pull. It's when I have downtime and sit and relax mindlessly with no goal, or get lazy and dont get up and change where I am when an urge hits, that I do the most damage.

Exactly a week ago I was feeling especially frustrated and left work a little early. I had about 2 hours to kill before going to a party and made a stop at Sephora where apparently they will do your entire make up for free! Woo-hoo. So I had Anthony take a shot at teaching me how to actually do my make up since I'm a bit hopeless when it comes to that kind of stuff.

Normally I am so anxious about having people so close to my face and always dreaded having my make up done for weddings but this time I felt good. Yes, my eyebrows are still on the thin side but with a little brown eyeliner and some eyebrush powder he plumped them up and they looked awesome. It actually gave me even more motivation to stop overpulling them (or justifying tweezing the hairs in my overgrooming ways).

Next Anthony tried to show me how to do my eye make- up. I'm going to be honest and say that I doubt I will continue spending 30 minutes in the morning on just my eyes, which is what he did, but the last week I've tried to replicate them in the 5-10 minute version. Anyway, he's in the midst of putting on shadow #3 or 4 when he says "you have great eyelashes". Um, what???? Yes, for me they look good but they are still pretty thin even though I've barely touched them in months. I felt so proud! He finished off by applying a few coats of mascara and I have to admit it was a pretty amazing feeling- they looked perfect.

Needless to say I have not been able to get my make up to look as great as he did(why can I never remember how to do it? it seems so easy as he walked me through it but then I totally forgot all the tips) but I was able to pick up some helpful tips and, coupled with the eyebrow fluffing tips, I feel as though I look like someone with no outward signs of trich. None.

It's days like that which help me stay motivated! The hard work and persistence, the tears of telling friends and family, getting up when tired, coming up with new ideas, blogging, scouring the internet for information and ideas, it's paying off! I know I have to keep working at it because trich doesnt just go away with a few months of success but I really feel as though I might be able to beat this and I'm definitely on the right track!

Time flies

2010-10-19T11:40:00.000-04:00

Today I realized it's been a week since my last posting- sometimes I'm not quite sure where the time goes. I'm doing better although a little pulling from my eyebrows last night which wasnt great but managed to hold off on the urges to pull my eyelashes that crept up while I was reading on the couch. Once again, I found that just removing myself from the situation for a little while by getting up, cleaning my face, organizing my old magazines, etc just helps keep me busy until the urges subside.

Not much else to report, just keeping busy with work and life, trying to change my current job situation - funny how you can hate your situation but lack the motivation to do anything about it. Hoping that I can kick myself in the ass and jumpstart my motivation again soon, for now, just trying to do at least a little bit every day.

My very own unsolved mystery

2010-10-12T14:16:00.001-04:00

Last night I once again went to battle with my eyebrows. Just the end of both the right and left (and by end I mean the brow part closest to my nose). I dont really know why I pulled but I know I really didnt want to stop. It just felt good. The satisfaction of grabbing the long and short hairs that were there, pulling them from their roots, just felt good. Too bad the result isnt good as my eyebrows now start about 1/4 inch from where they should start (maybe less, i have no idea about distance). Either way, there is definite damage.

I still dont want to pull my eyelashes, its just not as satisfying. But my eyebrows, when I pull the eyebrow hair it is a different sensation. I can almost hear the snapping sound as they get pulled from the skin. I wish I could pinpoint what it is about the pulling that I enjoy so much but I do. It's my drug. I knew there would be damage, I expected it. I knew that when I got up from the couch and went to the bathroom to survey the damage in the mirror I wouldn't like what I saw. But I made no attempt to stop.

The weekend was good. I was relaxed (despite the usual stressors- work, money, student loans) but nothing to make me overly anxious or upset. So why now? And why did I not want to stop? Why didn't I do anything to even try to stop? Sometimes I wish I knew what it was about the pulling that I enjoyed so much, wish I could put how it feels into words and explain to a non-puller just how it feels. How there is the mix of feeling so good and at ease with pulling yet so guilty and frustrated and angry with what you know is the inevitable result- the shame, the missing hair and the energy required to cover up that follows. I love mysteries but I'm not sure this is one I will ever solve. :(

The ends

2010-10-07T13:14:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I slipped- I pulled two eyelashes from my right eye (the eye where they already look thinner despite having not pulled either side for almost two months) and two hairs from my right eyebrow. I like the hairs at the end, they have a different feel to them when i pull them- it's hard to explain but its almost more of a "snap" to it.

I slipped while at work. I was incredibly tired and frustrated with my boss, not a huge surprise, and found myself pulling. I can, and have, taken a lot of crap from him over the 3 years I've been here (and the dozens of people I've seen come and go, i've been here the longest) but now he has started being incredibly patronizing- he likes to continually ask us to do things "for the good of the team" and will say that benefits will follow, although they never do. However, he is the only one that NEVER, NEVER steps up "for the good of the team". He'll say we are all coworkers and teammates, and he knows that he needs our help with so much legal work he cant do himself since he lacks the actual experience, but when push comes to shove he repeatedly drops the ball and cant be bothered, even with his own clients. Again, I can take a lot of shit, but we all have our limits.

It's time to make some changes with work and step up my efforts to get out of my job- I keep hoping things here will change but deep down I know that it's not going to happen and I dont want to be self destructive in the process.

My guard is back up, lesson learned. Luckily as soon as I realized what I was doing, despite how good I will admit it felt, I got up and walked around the office, talked to a coworkers about something unrelated and let myself simmer down a bit. My boss sucks enough life out of me as it is but I wont let my frustration and anger with him impede my progress in the battle against trich. Karma is a bitch- what goes around comes around.

Staring contests (and dropping the ball with month 2's goals)

2010-10-04T13:44:00.000-04:00

Month 2 has not been as successful as month 1- I have barely even tried to follow through on my goals, in part b/c I've been busy with other things and in part b/c when I'm not busy with other things I've been lazy.

On a positive note, I am still not pulling my eyebrows or eyelashes. I'm thinking that my eyelashes, after 2 months of no pulling, are pretty much as good as they are going to get. They look good, dont get me wrong, but I wish they were thicker- when I was a kid I had really dark, thick eyelashes. I guess 22 years of pulling them out can have that result. With a little mascara, and sometimes a little eyeliner, they generally look good but I'm pretty obsessive in the "do they still look thin/can people tell" way. This weekend was actually the first time I had any urge to pull either but just walking away from the mirror and distracting myself for 15 mins with cleaning my apartment helped me get through it. Phew.

While I'm not so interested in my own hair these days, I'm totally obsessed with the new boyfriends (yes, I chose boy 1 officially). He has a super white chest hair (the one I previously named) that I swear glows in the dark and I just want to yank out. He also has an eyelash on his left eyelid that is quite a bit longer than the rest and curls down while the others curl up. Boy do I want to just yank that hair out. Sometimes I just stare at it. We have starting contests sometimes as a joke and he thinks its funny that I'll mostly stare at his left eye but he doesnt yet know about trich and know that I cant stop thinking about, and wanting to pull, that stupid eyelash. Ha.

Oh yeah, and I can actually have staring contests now. Haha. I'm not totally paranoid about someone looking me in the eyes and noticing my missing hair. It also gives me extra motivation not to pull since he likes to look me in the eyes (it can be pretty intense and quite a bit sexy/sexual) and it would be weird to just freak out about it one day. I'll take whatever motivation I can get for the next 1 year and 10 months (or the time it takes for me to really kick this horrible disease).

Reason to stop #31- staring contests

A Professional Reminder

2010-10-01T15:37:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I received a call from a friend of mine in DC who is going through a very tough time. Circumstances led me to track down my old pscyhologist, John Chamberlain, who I had started seeing in 2002 when I lived in the area. I had seen him primarily due to issues following what I saw in the hospital on 9/11, and a few other things and over the years I had forgotten that he also happened to specialize in trichtillomania. Anyway, I located him online and saw trich listed under areas he specialized in (at the time he was a doctor at my law schools clinic and by the time we got through my other issues I had pretty much used up all the counseling services I was allowed and then some, and barely got to address trich).

It was really nice catching up with him and we talked briefly about trich. I told him where I was with my fight to beat this, having finally opened up to friends and family this year, starting this blog, etc. I mentioned that I was happy that my desire to pull my eyelashes has really subsided and that its been much, much easier to control my urges to pull my eyebrows. He told me that often age and hormones can have a big effect on trich although there arent really specific markers for when these changes in urges occur. He went on to state that it would be very uncommon to have the urges suddenly stop, that it is common for it to be reduced over a few months and then possibly stop altogether. Again, I stress possibly.

He warned me that the next two years will be the real test- that most people relapse with trich and you cant consider yourself a success story (contrary to the success stories posted on TLC's website which mostly deal with people that are 6 months pull-free) until you have gone 2 years. Apparently after the 2 year mark the risk of relapse is drastically reduced. He urged me to continue to stay on guard for the next two years and to continually think about it and come up with strategies and habits to help prevent myself from pulling, even if right now I dont feel as much of an urge to pull.

I never expected this to be easy and while I may have hoped that this was a clear indication of future trich-free-ness, I realistically new I was still going to have to be on guard for a while. I just never expected to hear 2 years, i thought maybe 6 months. Maybe a year. But if that's what it takes, that's where I hope to some day (in 1 year and 10 months) arrive. Until then I'll just keep fighting it.

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I guess I'm going to do a personal plug here but if anyone reading this is in the DC area I really recommend contacting Dr. Chamberlain- his practice is now based in Silver Spring and I'd be confident that if anyone could help, he could (again, just my personal opinion but I cant say enough how much he helped me through some very tough times).

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/name/John_Chamberlain_PhD_Silver+Spring_Maryland_53963

Turning 30 and new goals for month 2.

2010-09-24T16:28:00.000-04:00

Turning 30 wasn't as bad as I expected. Most of my friends were a bit ahead of me and some of them were really having a hard time so I was prepared for kicking and screaming. It really feels just like 29. The night before I had an hour or two where I mourned the loss of my 20's, but then I realized that it's kind of like getting a fresh start and I should just embrace it and be happy with where I am in my life at the moment.

The last week was great. Boy 1 and I went to Pennsylvania and went white water rafting, cave rappelling, hiking- basically just enjoyed some quiet time outside of NYC. I wasnt sure how 5 days away together would go but it was fine. The thing I'm having the hardest time with is deciding what qualities I'm really looking for in the person I could end up with. As I mentioned, he and boy 2 (who has taken a definite back seat but who is still pursuing) couldnt be more different. Boy 1 is extremely quiet and doesnt show a lot of emotion- good emotion or bad really. He is very content but so incredibly nice, truthworthy and just very genuine. But I'm a talkative and extremely motivated person- can the two work together? Maybe I need someone that isnt a type A like I am, but will that work? Ugh, I hate these decisions.

On another note, it is time to initiate month 2's goals. i want to add to month 1, so month 1's goals are still in effect, especially the exercise which i really need to step up. But I'm still not smoking, I'm sleeping better, sticking to my nighttime face-washing regiment, and basically not pulling (still nothing on my eyelashes although i pulled a few eyebrows last night when I was tired and driving around looking for parking- extremely aggravated and just started pulling).

Month 2 Goals:

1. Budget my finances- this is something that causes me a lot of stress. Between my student loans and just general bills I am horrible with finances and often live beyond my means and then will be up at night worrying about how to pay for everything. That needs to end- for my credit (which took a hit about 2 years ago after my student loans were 60 days late) and for my peace of mind. This month I'm going to work on fixing my old credit issues, coming up with a manageable budget and a plan for saving money. Stress results in pulling and I cant take that chance.

2. Be grateful- There are so many things in life that I tend to take for granted. Yes, I am extremely grateful for what I have and the opportunities I have been given, but I need to learn to be more content with my life as it is. I'm hoping this will also help me to relax a bit and learn to live in the moment instead of always looking ahead. I want to come up with 3 things every day, big or small, that I am grateful for in my life and at least one good thing that happened that day. Again, anxiety results in me slipping and I need to be more grateful for the little things, like the 30 days I haven't pulled an eyelash, so that when something hard or bad happens, I don't lose control.

3. Eat healthier and more natural foods- I have read a lot about food and its possible effect on trich over the last nine months or so and it certainly seems that there is a correlation between eating healthier and pulling less. Specifically, I've read (and found from my own mini-trials) that drinking less caffeine (which I now do) and eating less processed sugar, along with other dietary changes, can make a big difference in battling trich successfully. So it is time to give up my cupcakes and my snack foods and really eat healthier (after quitting smoking I could also now use to drop about 5 pounds). I am going to try and eat more fruits and vegetables, spend more time at farmers markets (mainly because I always LOVE very fresh food and would be more inclined to eat it) and generally limit the amount of processed foods that I eat.

So that's it- on top of last months goals I am adding these 3 new goals. Here's to month 2 and a healthy and happy 30th year! Bye bye 20's!

See you next week!

2010-09-19T09:05:00.000-04:00

To celebrate a month of being pull free, and the end of my 20's, I'm taking a little adventure trip with guy #1. The last month has been a really good time for me, not just with trich, but really focusing on dealing with my own thoughts and reflecting on the past decade and what lies ahead (what I want with my life, at least for the near future). I figured a trip out of the city, away from noise and distractions, to have some fun and be active would be the perfect way to start and end things. So we are off. I hope if you are reading this you are having a pull free day (or forgiving yourself for pulling, picking up and moving forward) and I will see you next week!

Hormones, Sex and Trich

2010-09-16T11:45:00.001-04:00

Following my post the other day I decided that telling my sister about the lack of any urge to pull my eyelashes wouldn't cause a big disastrous set back. Her response "maybe because you've been having a lot more sex lately?" Needless to say, it did get me thinking.....

Looking back on the past 9 months or so it really does seem that the more sex I am having the better I tend to do with trich. Maybe it's because when I'm seeing someone my personal life at least feels pretty good but I'm not sure that would be the explanation since I'm also pretty happy being single (and happen to be one of those people that LOVES alone time and having independence).

The last year or two I've noticed that the rumor about your sex drive improving as you hit 30 might really be true. For a long time I wasn't a very sexual person, it would end up being more of relationship "maintenance" then something I really enjoyed. That's definitely changed. So that brings me to the question of whether as you age and your hormones change it can be easier to battle trich? I'm not really sure but it something I definitely plan on looking into a bit more. Maybe its also the combination of sex, sleep, and exercise? Now I'm just throwing ideas out there (and I will just note here that even two months ago, when i was regularly having sex, I was still struggling with trich so at this point its just a general, albeit personal, observation).

Anyway, that's my random thought of the day and when I have some downtime I will do some research and post whatever I can come up with.

On another note, today marks 4 weeks of no smoking! Yay! Definitely feeling SO much better and I have also been sticking to all my regular goals of getting more (and better) sleep, exercising more regularly, sticking to a night time face washing regime, etc. Now its time to think of my goals for the next month! (and I'm finding that setting monthly goals as opposed to long term ones with no definitive end is really helping me stick to them). :)

30 Reasons to Stop Pulling

2010-09-13T15:57:00.000-04:00

After my earlier post it really sunk in that I am about to turn 30 and will have had this disease for 22 years. That is a really long time, longer then I've ever done anything I can really think of. So, I decided now was as good of a time as any to really look back on all the reasons I have compiled these last few months (plus a few that I added and a few that were reader-suggested) and put them all in one post so, if I was having an urge, I could easily pull up the list and remind myself all the reasons I have wanted to stop. So, here they are........

Reason #1 to stop pulling -the feeling that you have to run to the bathroom when hooking up with a guy to make sure the eyeliner is still in place so he doesnt easily see what is missing.

Reasons #2 - Rain (and swimming, and anything that has to do with water since you never know how it will leave your make up and that feeling in the bottom of your stomach when you are out, you cant fix your make up, and you wonder how bad it is).

Reason #3: Pictures/closeups which seem to make the lack of eyelashes that much more apparent.

Reason #4: Camping/outdoor excursions- (I LOVE the outdoors but always hold back on going on trips where I know I will be around others but will have to come up with an excuse as to why i'm fixing my make up on a nature hike!)

Reason #5- crowded situations where you are forced to talk to people very close up and become extremely self conscious.

Reason # 6- feeling powerless that something has so much control over who I am, what I do, and how I live my life.

Reason # 7- the wrinkles that are appearing on my forehead (i'm 29!) because I always raise my eyebrows when stroking my eyelashes and feeling for what I will be trying to pick/not pick next- over the years I think I've spent so much time lifting my eyebrows to pluck my eyebrows that I'm getting premature awful wrinkles.

Reason #8- the fear of bright spots/locations.

Reason #9 - the anxiety of realizing I’m somewhere without my eyeliner.

Reason #10- being filmed where I cant control the views and close ups that are taken.

Reason #11- the dark circles that will often appear around my eyes as a result of wearing eyeliner (which smudges) with no eyelashes.

Reason #12- the need to always wear make up to hide the signs of trich

Reason #13- always feeling self conscious that people are aware of your 'secret'

Reason #14 -the unnecessary anxiety that is created when I feel a hair that is "out of place" and cant stop obsessing about it. Who needs extra anxiety in their life?

Reason #15- the scars that have developed on my body that will forever be a constant reminder of my trich and the embarrassment over having to try and explain where they came from.

Reason #16- all the bullshit stories I’ve told to “explain” why I have no eyebrows or eyelashes and the crappy way lying makes me feel.

Reason #17- the time/energy wasted on trying to cover up my trich.

Reason #18 (thanks to a reader)- feeling of failure-wanting to stop so desperately and trying but still one day wind up pulling again.

Reason #19 (also thanks to a reader)- Want to control your own life rather than feeling like Trich controls everything you do

Reason #20 - never learning how to actually use make up for its intended purpose since that would have required having a stranger too close to my face.

Reason #21- if trich can be genetic, I need to know how to stop so that I will be able to help my child and so he/she wont spent as much time suffering from this disease as I have.

Reason #22- years of pictures that I hate to look at because of missing eyelashes/eyebrows and/or really bad make up when I tried to cover up my trich.

Reason #23- the fear of getting something in my eyes (which isnt hard when you have no lashes and live in NYC) and not being able to have someone else look into my eye and see where that something is (and the worry of whether it will mess up my make up and i wont have time to fix it before people notice).

Reason #24- relationship issues caused by trich (hard to really be close to someone when you are hesitant to often be physically close for fear that they will uncover your 'secret' and end the relationship)

Reason #25- networking functions requiring close talking

Reason #26- years of time wasted on worrying about what others might think about my trich.

Reason #27- that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that arises when someone unexpectedly notices or comments about my missing hair.

Reason #28 - need to be able to "bat those lashes" on command - never know when you'll be asked.

Reason #29- the fear of dying with no eyelashes (not even dying itself, just dying with no eyelashes and everyone noticing then- this may sound crazy, I know)

Reason #30- not wanting to feel like I’m doing well, not pulling, and then failing again which makes you feel even worse then just the pulling again.

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Sadly, these are not even all the reasons I could probably come up with which would serve as reminders as to why I hate this disease so much. The list would probably go on and on and if I was trying to make a pro/con list, like I do with so many things, the "list of reasons to pull" would be blank.

Knock on wood- this may sound crazy.....

2010-09-13T12:47:00.000-04:00

The weirdest thing has happened. I have no desire to pull my eyelashes. I didnt want to say anything before but I dont even have urges to pull them and it's been that way since I quit smoking. The urge to pull my eyebrows is still there, although not as strong, but for over 3 weeks I've wanted nothing to do with my eyelashes, even the "out of place" ones. I'm so happy that they are back, almost completely at this point, but I'm very freaked out about the feeling that the urges seem to have gone away. I know I still cant let my guard down, that this very possibly won't last, but I'm happy with it for now and it makes not pulling my eyebrows a little bit easier somehow. Can this really happen?

Years ago my mother told me that one day she had just stopped pulling. She had not pulled for as long as I had, not even close- maybe a year- and that she pulled out all her eyelashes and then basically just stopped. She said once in a while she would get a small urge to pull but nothing she couldn't fight off. I thought it was bullshit to be honest. My cousin suffered from trich for close to 12 years and I'm coming up on 22 years. That sounds insane seeing it again on paper. I have been pulling out my hair for 22 years. More then 2 decades. My 20's were not easy for some many reasons but I'm determined to make my 30's (which start next week!) better.

I also must confess that I have not really been pulling from other areas which I normally obsess over also (belly button region, the occasional dark chest hair, the pubic region) but don't spend as much time focusing on because no one can really see them anyway while my eyebrows and eyelashes are obviously very visible. Normally I shave almost everything just so that I'm not constantly pulling but again, I just haven't really felt the need to over the last few weeks. Yes, I am more inclined to pull from other areas and still occasionally do but even that has significantly decreased.

I'm really terrified to publish this post. I'm afraid that as soon as I do, the urges will come back threefold. This cant happen. This doesn't happen, does it? No way. It's got to come back which should be obvious as I still love the outer eyebrow hairs and the feel of tugging them out. I'm certainly not letting up fighting it but I'll take whatever help I can get right now.........

Not just my hair

2010-09-08T13:14:00.000-04:00

Do you ever become fixated on other peoples lashes or eyebrows? The hairs that they have that seem "out of place" or "different"? Ever want to pull their hairs badly too?

For years I have not just been obsessed with my own out of place or different hairs but those of other people. For example, I remember a friend of mine had a white eyelash on her left eye about a year ago and whenever I saw her, I would just stare at the hair, thinking of how much I would need to pull it out if I was her. Each time we got together I would look for the hair to see if she still had it.

The guy I've been dating has a few of these hairs also. He has one super long eyelash, one "out of place" and super light eyebrow hairs, and three white chest hairs (that I have now named- I know that might sound crazy- I even told him I named them (he doesnt know about my trich yet)). Anyway, we spent a lot of time together this weekend and it got me thinking about how much time I spend noticing other people's hair.

I'll also admit, as ashamed as I am to say this, that I once became so focused on a half black-half white whisker that my cat had that I pulled it out. I felt so awful afterward and didn't do it again but at that point, which was a few years ago, I knew I had to really start owning up to the control this disease had on me. I've since read that while not completely common, this can happen with people suffering from trich (not that it makes me feel better about it). I've actually never told anyone about that until now. Once again, have to love the guilt and shame that trich brings to our life (insert sarcasm).

I'm extremely aware of people on the subway with bushy eyebrows, penciled in eyebrows, lots of mascara, random hairs, you name it, I focus on it. It would be easy to say that this is a new obsession that had started since I really became focused on my own struggle with trich but this is the way it's been for years.

Anyway, that's my "issue of the day" I suppose. Tomorrow is my official "three week mark" and I plan on celebrating with a guilt-free vanilla with chocolate icing cupcake from my favorite cupcake shop in NYC (if you are ever in NYC you have to try one- it's MUCH better than Magnolia or Crumbs and I consider myself an unofficial cupcake testing expert)

Forging Ahead and Changing Routines

2010-09-07T10:13:00.002-04:00

It's been almost 3 weeks since I started my month long quest and honestly things are going pretty well. Last night I was looking in the mirror for really the first time in a while and was amazed at how good my eyelashes looked. My eyebrows seem to take longer to come in and they are still pretty thin but my eyelashes look great and I'm back to really only needing a tiny bit of eyeliner and a bit of mascara to make them look "normal". Awesome.

The short update: I have not smoked at all and honestly dont even want to. The exercising took a little hiatus last week as I've been battling a horrible summer cold (and when you stop smoking you put on a few pounds which I have definitely done- about 5 maybe so I desperately need to start working out again- hopefully tomorrow), I've been sleeping MUCH better and despite what could be a pretty stressful time I'm doing shockingly well thanks to changing all my routines. I swear that has been the key.

It seems that when I tend to get into a good routine, particularly at night, where I sit and relax or watch TV, I tend to not be on guard enough with trich and find myself pulling. I think it's important, for me at least, to keep switching it up. When I find I"m getting too comfortable I need to somehow do things differently. Whether its watching TV in bed rather than on the sofa, or moving to a different area of my apartment, reading before bed, just something, it makes a big difference for me and I tend not to pull as much. And when I do get an urge, GETTING UP seems to really help. My fall back is cleaning- if I need to do something to keep myself distracted for 20 minutes or so (which is about how long it really takes the urge to subside just a bit) i'll tackle a closet, a cabinet, my fridge, something. But that's just what works for me these days and I know how easily trich can come up and bite me back in the ass. I'm just hoping to get through each day.

Never giving up

2010-08-27T12:53:00.008-04:00

We are often so hard on ourselves and our "inability" to just kick this horrible disease but sometimes we forget to give ourselves credit for all the times we do damage and then pick back up and keep fighting. It's actually pretty admirable if you think about it. I've been fighting this disease for almost 22 years and I'm sure many of you have been fighting it for a long time as well. We may have our ups and downs but we have never stopped trying. We've never given up. We make adjustments and we pick up the pieces and we continue to try. I think thats pretty amazing.

I'm going to go a little off topic today but I promise it does tie in with trich.

As I've mentioned before, my father is a 9/11 'survivor'. I'm not going to go into the entire story of what happened but suffice it to say that he suffered severe burns over a fairly large part of his body and when I first saw him in the hospital, before he was bandaged, he was unrecognizable (and even then it was weeks before we really saw "him" again). While his face looks fantastic his arms and hands are still in pretty awful shape, despite countless surgeries over the years (as recently as this past February).

The last 9 years have not been easy on my family. My father isnt the same person but we never forget how lucky we are to have him with us. While I'm ashamed to admit this, my mother, sister and I have grown a little tired of his obsession with 9/11. It's hard to understand but he always wants to tell his "story" to strangers, he makes homemade stickers for his car "9/11 burn survivor", he goes on message boards and expresses his anger at anyone that disagrees with his view at 9/11 (and this can be pretty intense), he's angry that people automatically assume he was a firefighter, he's angry that people dont pay attention to the injured and focus more on the people who did not survive, as well as the police and firefighters, he has a lot of anger and not all of it is rationale. 9/11 has now defined his life.

I guess part of our frustration stems from the fact that we wish he would move forward more, let go of some of his anger, that he would recognize that he has this amazing second chance at life and that despite the physical pain, that he would make progress (he has been in therapy but we are convinced his therapist is useless). It may not sound like we are being fair but we have also spent the last 9 years trying to move forward with our own lives. We spent weeks in the hospital, our lives have also been changed and we dont want 9/11 to define our lives too. We will never forget, but we want to move on.

The reason I'm bringing this up now is because yesterday I had an "ah-ha" conversation with my mother. She has been battling with her car dealership after constant issues with her car, and yesterday went to a different dealership where she and my father met another 9/11 survivor. This man had asked my dad about his injuries and they realized that they clearly had something in common. Well, this car salesman used to work for Cantor Fitzgerald and as you may recall, they suffered so many losses as their office was above the impact site. He survived (i'm unclear if he was below the point of impact or how it happened) but he has never been the same. He told my parents that he has never been able to go back into NYC. Not even for dinner. He gave up his pretty decent paying job and now works more hours for a lot less pay just because he he just couldnt have the same life anymore.

It's so easy to pass judgment, to think that it has been 9 years and people should move on. But everyone does things in their own way. The ah-ha realization was essentially that we dont give my father enough credit. He goes into the city. He hasnt stopped flying. While he is nervous to be around crowds and tall buildings, he does it. He has never given up. Each day he fights for his own definition of normalcy despite the setbacks. He has a surgery and has to start physical therapy all over again but he does it.

My mother and I also realized that he has only spoken about what he saw that day once-he talks about what happened to him quite often, but only one time did he describe the people that he saw jumping and the chaos at the site. It took me a long time to get over what I saw at the hospital that day, it's hard to imagine what it must have been like to actually be there.

So I bring this all up to remind myself about the value of perspective. Sometimes it's not about whether we beat trich, or if we are having a tough day or week, it's about how many times we are willing to get up. People can judge us if they want, they can think it should be easier for us to beat, to just stop pulling, but until they really walk in our shoes, and understand what we go through daily while struggling with this disease, we shouldnt care what they think. If they are going to make any judgment on us at all, it should be about how amazing it is that we keep trying and refuse to give up. We should be proud of ourselves. This doesnt mean the next time I may slip I'm going to feel good about myself, but I will pull it together and keep trying and that is something I will feel good about.

Things are looking up

2010-08-25T12:42:00.005-04:00

Last week I put my "monthly plan" into action and it's been fairly successful. I think having a monthly goal just seems less intimidating then "i'll never do ______ again". So much of managing trich and changing habits is the mental aspect.

I'm not going to lie, I am tired and cranky this week. It's one of those days where I really probably shouldn't be allowed to be in the same room as other people. It's probably a combination of no-smoking, being tired, the crappy/rainy weather, and just general life stress.

This is my official update: I havent smoked since last week, haven't pulled any hair since Saturday night (literally nothing which is great), I've exercised every single day, even when I've been exhausted, and I'm sleeping a lot better. All in all, not a bad week although it has been a very, very hard week of adjustments.

So now that it's been a week, I'm going for 2 weeks. There are plenty of stressors in my life right now, the boy situation (which has improved with "awkward guy" but there is still the issue of dating 2 people- a decision must be made soon), figuring out whether I should cut business ties with my friend who I was going to start the firm with, money issues as always, blah blah blah. It never ends. I wish I was one of those people that could accept that life will never be fully "stress free" but I'm just not. So I'm trying to figure out how to manage my trich and everything else in the face of stress.

I was on the Trich yahoo support group and emailing with another girl when I thought about my issues with control and symmetry (and I still havent changed my "display name" to my actual name which is kind of sad). Just the other day, on Saturday, when I was having a bad pulling spell I realized that despite knowing I needed to stop, I had to keep pulling to make sure that both eyebrows were "even". It didnt matter that it meant more pulling and less hair one one side but everything had to be kind of the same. It was unacceptable in my mind to leave stray hairs out of place if they didnt look "symmetrical" and each eyebrow was in the right shape. I dont know if that makes sense but hopefully you understand what I mean.

Anyway, a lot of trich for me seems to be about control and release. I need to be able to control what I pull and as screwed up as it is, the hairs need to be pulled in a certain way. If I leave a hair 'out of place' I know that I wont be able to stop. The anxiety of thinking and obsessing over that hair will literally cause my entire body to tense up and I wont be able to think of anything else.

Well I guess this turned out to be a little bit of a random post (but arent they all kind of?) so thanks for reading and if you have any tips on how to stop or control the urges, please let me know, I need as many new ideas as possible. Thanks!

A long 4 days

2010-08-22T11:58:00.003-04:00

I'm four days into my first monthly challenge and I'm having fairly good results although it has not been easy.

I have not smoked anything since Wednesday night. If I'm being honest, which I try to be on here, I will admit that I do like to smoke pot but with that I always smoke cigarettes, obviously neither of which are good for me. So I gave up both (cigarettes are obviously harder even though I dont smoke that much) and have been good for 4 days. Last night was definitely the hardest. After a fairly bad date on Friday night (date itself went well, the "after-date hangout" was incredibly awkward) I decided to stay in last night and work on my new firms website which I've been putting off for a while. Normally I might smoke a little pot to relax and get to work but obviously that is no longer an option.

Instead, after 3 days of no pulling, my anxiety got the better of me a little bit and I pulled from my right eyebrow which is now about half the size it should be. Ugh. Thankfully I didnt pull from anywhere else but that still sucked.

I have been exercising and this morning completed day 2 of the P90X workout (i waited until yesterday to start although I did work out all week). I have to say, if you are looking for a ridiculous work out, I HIGHLY suggest the P90x. It is seriously insane, I cant remember the last time I sweat that much. That also helps me stay on the no-smoking kick.

So, the last 4 days have been fairly successful with the only exception really being my horrible pulling last night. But at least I didnt let it go too far and 3 days is still better than 1. Now I'm going to make it at least 5 days, I know i can do it.

Small changes, big difference? Goals for the next month.

2010-08-19T16:13:00.010-04:00

Maybe I'm trying to be overly ambitious but I figured now was as good of a time as any to just try to make some small changes but when added together will hopefully make a big difference. In one month and one day I turn 30. I'm not too worried about it (although I wish people would stop asking me if i ever want to get married and/or have children- I don't know yet!!) but there are certainly things I would love to be doing better or differently.

Anyway, between the troubles I've had with trich this month and the reading I've been doing lately (including the Happiness Project- http://www.happiness-project.com/) I've decided there are several things I'd like to tackle and maybe trying to achieve several goals each month will help my make some progress as I will be influenced by the positive results. Then, the following month, I will add more goals and hope to just build on the progress I've already made.

Month 1 for me will have several pretty important goals.

1. Get more sleep --> this isn't as simple as it sounds. The information I've read lately has indicated not just that you aim for a solid 7 hours of straight sleep but talks about eliminating all light from your bedroom. I've noticed that when I shut off the TV, cover up all the cable box lights and alarm clock light, I really get a much better nights sleep.

2. Quit smoking--> Ahh, the time has come. Obviously I dont need to go into the reasons I should quit but this is the first time I've really WANTED to quit so badly (and the reasons are endless). So, last night I smoked my last cigarette and now it's up to me to remember all the reasons I want and need to quit. Right now I'm setting the goal at 1 week- I just want to make it one week (kind of like trich).

3. Exercise more--> since I'm not smoking and hopefully gaining energy by sleeping better, I have picked up a new workout routine. I find that when I exercise more often I am less likely to pull. Today my friend gave me his copy of P90X and this weekend I will be starting the program. Everyone I know that has even made it halfway through the DVD's swears by the program. http://www.p90xdvdshop.us/main.html . I'm hoping that seeing fairly quick results, and needing the non-smokers lung to keep it up, will help me stay motivated.

4. Stick to my nighttime facial regiment--> This also will tie into my fifth goal but a while ago I posted about how thoroughly washing my face in kind of a long, drawn out routine, was helping my trich since I didnt want to touch my face as much when my skin was clean. My skin was also looking fantastic. But, as usual, I kind of got lazy and stopped doing it as much. Enough laziness. Let's face it, I'm not getting younger and a strict routine can have nothing but positive results.

5. Stop pulling for one month--> I've done it before, I can do it again. This is my fifth and final goal for the month. I realize these are all fairly sizable goals but I'm really hoping that they have the effect of helping each other out. I often tend to pull when I'm smoking or not exercising so it is kind of related.

I thought having the initial months end goal as my 30th bday would also be a bit of a motivator since all these changes would have a big impact on my overall health, appearance and general happiness. It's certainly worth a shot.....

Here we go again..... and again.... and again

2010-08-16T14:19:00.003-04:00

This may be the 5000th time I've said "ok, here we go again" but I guess that may be the only way to fight this disease. Each time we fall we have to have the strength to keep getting back up and not just give up. It's hard and frustrating and exhausting but I would imagine any "addiction" type situation would be. So, here I go again.

I've been doing a little better the last week which isnt to say that I've been perfect. I could certainly do better. My left eyelashes now look a LOT better than my right (funny how it goes from one to the other) and they are almost entirely back, or at least back enough that with a little mascara no one would notice. My eyebrows are still too thin and my right eyelashes are spotty at best, although I've still yet to touch the bottom lashes.

Sometimes the external motivator really helps and at the moment I've been casually seeing two guys, both of whom I really like. Now that I've had the experience, just a few months ago, of having almost all my lashes back to the point where I didnt think about it, I want THAT feeling back. The energy it takes to "conceal" trich is exhausting and I'm sure I have a hundred places where that energy would be better spent. So, today is day 1 again. I havent pulled in 24 hours. Here's hoping for another 24.

Soldier homecoming surprise mix

2010-08-13T09:27:00.002-04:00

Random post, fantastic video

2010-08-13T09:24:00.002-04:00

I try to limit the amount of non-trich related info I post on here but I couldnt resist this video (see below). If you havent already seen it, it's well worth the 10 minutes it takes to watch- a touching reminder of keeping everything in perspective and that we should never forget to be thankful to our soldiers and their families for all the sacrifices they make.

My second post today, and the brutal honest truth

2010-08-02T17:35:00.004-04:00

When I first started this blog I said that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I would have the nerve to actually post photos. Well, clearly that has not happened but I'm really struggling again and today, while taking photos of my finger, I figured I should take a chance, a big chance. I know that the odds are I dont know anyone that may be reading this blog or who may one day read this. And if they do, it's likely they share the same "secret" about trich that I do and would never say anything. Realistically, no one will have a clue who I am from these photos which dont even show my whole face but it's still terrifying.

So, here are the photos, the honest truth of how I've been struggling with trich lately after I had finally grown back my eyebrows and eyelashes. Clearly you can see I still have make up on from this morning but I knew that if I went into the bathroom and removed the make up, by the time I came back I would have lost my nerve.

Believe it or not, this small insight into who I am is a HUGE step for me but I know its time to be a little more accountable and this blog has been very helpful to my own personal battle and it's time I took full advantage of it. I'm hoping that my showing these photos (which also make visible the forehead wrinkles I spoke of a while back- thank you trich for premature wrinkles) I will never be able to make excuses, like "no one will ever notice if I just pull this one". I hope you notice, I hope I show you, I hope I stop making excuses.

Permanent Reminder

2010-08-02T17:13:00.008-04:00

Does anyone else have an indentation on their index finger which will likely always remain? I tried taking a few photos but it didnt come out too clearly (dont mind the wrinkled shirt I used for contrast- haha). From the years and years of picking, which I do primarily with my left hand (although I'm right handed) I have an indentation caused by my thumb nail. When I put the two fingers together to pull the culprit hair, I press into my index finger, and over time its gotten worse and worse.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling especially tweezer happy, I will try to remove the indentation. Trich has caused me to have a freakishly high tolerance to pain. i can literally stick a pin or the tweezers into my finger and just pull back the skin. I know, it's a little disturbing but I'm trying to be more honest than I've been. For a few days afterward it is obviously much more difficult (and painful) to pull with my dominant pulling hand but the tweezer has always been a good back up and, let's be honest, it's never really stopped me from pulling.

In an effort to curb some of my eyebrow and eyelash pulling I've tried to focus more on other areas where the missing hair wont be so noticeable to the casual onlooker (again, this is incredibly and painfully embarrassing to admit but I'm trying to be more honest). As a girl, we can blame certain missing hair on waxing or shaving and guys really don't seem to mind. Lets just say I have gone to town lately and the indentation on my finger is more pronounced then I can remember. Even the woman at the nail salon commented on it whereas usually they just look puzzled as to what would cause such a mark. Even if I finally manage to beat this stupid disease, I would imagine that this will be my permanent reminder of the years I spent pulling away my self esteem.

Recognizing triggers, but what to do about them?

2010-07-27T11:18:00.003-04:00

I'm trying to get back on track which partly involves trying to figure out why I'm suddenly having such a hard time with trich again. Stress is definitely a factor. A few months ago I decided to start the process of leaving my job to go out on my own- that is a HUGE source of stress right now. I know it's the right decision and I'm trying to get everything lined up so that I generate an income as soon as possible, but it still scares the hell out of me. Giving up a paycheck in this economy? Very scary. Although I still have my job and am income, money is tight and I'm worried. Ultimately I'm hoping this decision will, in the long term, lead to a much larger income but in the interim, who knows. Sometimes I wake up at night and just worry. I'm sure that doesnt help. I have decided to pair up with a college friend so I know she is feeling the same way and I'm excited about the possibility, I just wish the stress didnt manifest itself in the form of pulling.

Also something that has bothered me lately is a new "relationship" i'm in. I have always had commitment issues and now is no exception. The new guy and I met in court (he was not a defendant fortunately) and things are going really well. He treats me so great and there are no games, so why do I freak out? This is going to make me sound like a jerk but part of my worry is his lack of job motivation- he comes from a VERY difficult background and has a great, steady job. But his job doesn't require any intellectual stimulation and he seems content to just stay where he is. It's not that I wish he had gone to college, I really respect how hard he has worked to get where he is, but I worry what we will have to talk about over the long haul. He doesn't like politics or current events (which I do) and he doesnt seem to have the motivation to succeed or advance his career like I do. Is this stupid? Am I being ridiculous? Shouldn't it be enough that we have fun together and he treats me well? Ugh. Maybe for type A people like myself we need someone that is more relaxed. I just hate the idea of hurting him when I know he really likes me and has been screwed over by life so much in the past. It's only been about 2 months so why am I even worried about this now?

Then last night I was introduced to my friend's (soon to be business partner) friend, a guy who on the surface is totally my type. He asked for my number at the end of the night, which I gave him, but then the guilt comes back. I never told the old guy we were "exclusive" but I'm pretty sure he thinks we are (despite saying lets just "see where this goes"). I shouldn't even worry since the guy from last night hasn't even asked me out but I do.

Is unnecessary stress a common thread for people with trich? Do we all worry about things we can't control and let it impact our battles with trich? I'm sorry that this post has been a bit rambling but obviously my personal life has a big impact on my trich so I guess I just need to get it out sometimes.

Clueless

2010-07-26T11:04:00.002-04:00

I know it's been a while once again since I've posted on here and in part that is because I'm not really sure what to say.

It's been a tough month (or two) and honestly I am not doing great with trich these days. I think that is one of the most frustrating parts of this disease- just when you think you have finally figured it out and gotten a handle on it, it kicks your ass.

My eyebrows and eyelashes have once again gotten thinner and I'm back to being pretty self conscious about it, the difference now is that most of my friends already know so I'm not feeling quite as embarrassed and ashamed, nor am I investing as much time in covering it up.That said, I'm hating that it is summer and when I should be enjoying all the hard work of the last few months and swimming and being in the sun with no worries about my missing hair, I'm once against focused on it and inevitably my self esteem is taking a bit of a hit. It's such a vicious cycle.

Maybe it's because I'm not spending so much time on trich these days that I'm having such a tough time? Admittedly, I'm not posting or reviewing other sites like I used to. Now that most of my friends and family know (and not surprisingly few of them ever ask me about it- probably because they know its a sensitive issue) it's just not at the forefront of my mind like it was a few months ago. I don't know what to do, I know I have to keep fighting it, sometimes it's just so hard and frustrating.

Back on track, finally

2010-07-07T21:22:00.003-04:00

As expected the last few days off have been incredibly helpful in getting me back on track with fighting my trich and I've been pull free for several days. Time at the beach has also been a great reminder as to why I cant stand not having eyebrows and eyelashes- the effort it takes to constantly make sure "everything" is perfectly covered up is exhausting.

Even though the bald spots are very small I'm still overly self conscious about it and have to make sure to carry my eyeliner and mascara everywhere. When I went swimming yesterday my first thought upon getting out of the water was how fast i could get to the bathroom and secretly check to make sure my make up was in tact. I hated every second that my focus went to trich. I missed the feeling of not having to worry about it now that I know how that feels. I miss the few months where I didnt have to worry about my eye make up smudging or my eyebrows being too short and incredibly thin. I want that back.

I'm also frustrated with how long it is taking everything to grow back. The worst is my left eyebrow which is too short after my last few weeks of pulling and filling it in with eyeliner and shadow is no longer cutting it, especially in the bright sun (and the fact it has been over a hundred degrees the last few days, causing me to sweat like crazy and then worry about the sweat impacting my make up also sucks). I just want my hair back and although I know I'm paying the price for my slips and its been a good reminder as to why I need to be more vigilant in my battle, its still frustrating.

At least my determination is back and I'm finally, finally refocused and ready to beat this stupid, awful disease.

Blah

2010-06-28T08:39:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure what I have to report at this point- there have been good days and bad days. I'm not kicking trich's ass and it's not kicking mine. We are just dueling it out and sometimes I'm not sure who will win.

I still dont know why the last few weeks have been kind of sucky, I've been trying to pay attention to what is going on, what I'm eating, just general routine but I cant come up with much helpful information.

Starting this Friday I have about 10 days off- 10 days that I plan to relax, work on business stuff so I can really leave my job as planned, hang out with friends, hit the beach, just hang out. I cant recall the last time I stayed in town on a vacation and just caught up but I'm really looking forward to spending time with friends I dont get to see all that often. For a better part of the time off I'm going to try and stay at my parents, which is 8 more consecutive days then i've stayed there in about 4 years so we'll see how that goes. I love my parents but they can drive anyone crazy after 8 days (and i'm sure I'd drive them nuts too). I'm hoping that this time will also help with my trich- I tend not to pull as much when I'm not in my apartment and my mother does get on my case when I'm not doing well with it so hopefully that will be added motivation. Or perhaps that will cause me to only last 4 days and then head back to the city. We'll see.

Weekly report

2010-06-24T08:48:00.002-04:00

Things are definitely starting to improve but this morning I was confronted with the ugly reality that I still havent broken up with my tweezers. I have plenty of excuses why but that is all they are, excuses. I'm so self conscious of all the other little hairs that no one else would notice and yet that is the biggest excuse I keep telling myself- "I'm just waiting to get them out one more time and then I'll throw away the tweezers". Ha, we'll see.

Now is the perfect time to have all my eyelashes and eyebrows, it's summer (obviously) and there are more of my "reasons to stop" then ever- sun, bright lights, swimming, you name it. Oh, and there is the new guy. My eyes and eyebrows arent horrible but they arent fabulous either. With working out and doing pilates fairly regularly now to keep my anxiety low, I'm starting to feel a lot better and I want to look how I feel. The next step for me is also giving up my couple cigarettes a day a habit in which I disgust myself. July 1 is the date for quitting that horrible habit.

Sadly I think one of the biggest driving factors behind quitting smoking and getting my trich back under control is the effect this will all one day have on my aging process. I've already noticed the wrinkles that have been forming on my forehead b/c I constantly scrunch my forehead when I'm feeling my eyelashes and eyebrows. It's such a vicious cycle. I dont want to be one of those people who is 50 and looks 85. No thank you. So maybe being a little vain in this situation is a good thing. I'm getting ready for the big 30th bday which I'm actually very excited about and continuing to work on setting new goals and evaluating where I can improve in my life, with one of my top priorities being to continue my struggle to beat trich.

Anyway, this was a little bit of a random post but I guess it helps just to get all my thoughts down and the last few weeks have been so busy that I havent had the most organized thought process anyway. I hope anyone reading this is doing well with their own struggles with trich, stay strong, it's a new day (and a really, really hot day!)

Dear tweezers, I think we need to break up

2010-06-17T09:42:00.004-04:00

Dear tweezers:

For a long time now I have depended on you. You have been there when I've been anxious and you have helped me indulge in my hair addiction for as long as I can remember. When you are not around I begin to panic. I rely on you. You help me get out those tiny little hairs, no matter where they are, that I cant get out on my own. You are almost like an extension of my hand at this point- like Edward Scissorhands or something but in tweezer form.

As much as you have been there for me over the years I think we need to break up. This has become an extremely unhealthy relationship. You make it too easy for me to continue my obsession with miscellaneous hairs. After we spend time together I usually feel terrible and yet I keep coming back again and again. I know I need to stop seeing you and yet it causes me anxiety to think of all the places that little hairs will appear that I will not be able to control- like the ones on my chest and near my belly button- I despise having those hairs and you have helped me with them time and time again.

If I am ever going to win my battle with trich and lead a healthy and happy life then I need to let you go. It's not you, it's me. I dont know how to keep you around without it ultimately hurting me. So today I'm going to summon the strength to say goodbye. I already feel the panic rising in me but I know it's for the best. Like every relationship that ends, I know it is going to be hard for a long time but I'm hoping that a better, positive relationship will come along. We've had a good run but it's just time to let go.

Your now-ex,
Kim

Moving on

2010-06-16T08:27:00.004-04:00

Last week was not a good week for me. While I posted about picking up and moving on with my slips, it just didnt quite work out that way. I just couldnt get myself to stop pulling. I would be sitting down, have an urge, remove my hand from up by my eyes and breath, telling myself all the reasons that I didnt want to pull. I would think that the urge had passed and literally as soon as I stopped the mental chats with myself, I would go right back to pulling, barely missing a beat.

I wish there was some big stresser, some event I could point to and say "that was the source of my pulling" but I cant. It was an average, ordinary week. I've been casually seeing this really nice guy who works in the courthouse, family and work life is the same, I had a great weekend and week seeing friends- I just cant explain it.

The damage has been done. About half of my left eyebrow is gone and now has to be penciled in again which I hate more than I've ever hated it. The eyelashes on my left eyelid are fairly thin with tiny spots where I'm missing eyelashes altogether. The right eyebrow and eyelashes fared a bit better but they have also been thinned out. I was so angry with myself but now I'm over it. Its the consequence for my slip and I have to deal with it.

This week has already been better but I've stepped up my efforts big time. For the last few days I have been working out in the morning for a solid 30 minutes and then doing pilates or yoga when I get home. I'm cutting out most of the junk food (still cant get rid of my need for some cookies or chocolate each day). I'm also reading a book called the Happiness Project which has kind of been inspiring me to get my life back on track and figure out what I really want. Sometimes I think I really need to stop and be introspective, figure out a new direction or hobby to fulfill. While I wouldnt say I'm unhappy at this stage of my life, I definitely benefit from trying to improve my life now and figure out how to be a calmer, more balanced, happier person in the future and I'm hoping that spills over into my battle with trich.

For now it's back to court where I'm finishing up a bench trial (hopefully) and immediately beginning a new trial for my client that I truly believe is innocent and being wrongfully accused. Wish me luck! (and good luck to anyone reading that I'm sure can relate to the ups and downs of trich!)

Day by day

2010-06-09T13:32:00.004-04:00

I went home from work last night with the best of intentions. All was going well until I finally sat down to watch TV and within 10 minutes I had pulled one. "It's just one, I wont even be able to tell." The rationalization is almost disturbing, trich is literally an addiction and I have to stop.

Sometimes i will find an eyelash to focus on (not even when looking in the mirror) and I will just rub it back and forth between my fingers, convincing myself that if it falls out "on its own" then it doesnt really count. Ha.

Well today I forced myself to get up early (which I'd also been slacking off on) and work out, I"m back to limiting sweet foods and caffeine and I'm just going to keep on trying.

About two weeks ago I had contacted someone from a NYC support group- apparently they meet once a week and it's not that far from my apartment. I got the information but for some reason I just cant bring myself to go.... maybe thats the final step I need to make to confront this disease? Maybe facing people in person will make this easier? Just not sure I'm ready, even after all this time.......

One more post today- New Developments

2010-06-08T09:55:00.004-04:00

For the last few months I have been following another blogger who shared this information recently on possible developments in trich research- for anyone who may not also follow her blog, I wanted to share with you: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=10947928

Her blog, which I have found very helpful reading (and relating to) in my own 'quest' to beat trich, can be found at: http://trappedbytrich.blogspot.com/

And I'm back

2010-06-08T08:47:00.003-04:00

I'm sorry for the hiatus- I'm not sure what has been going on with me but I've been in a little bit of a rut the last few weeks and trich is taking full advantage of me. While my eyelashes and eyebrows are more or less in tact (although the right eyebrow is looking way to thin), I have slipped probably more times than I remember and I know I need to get back on the ball before it gets any worse.

I could probably make a hundred excuses for why I'm not doing well but the truth is nothing is too out of the ordinary so I dont really know. My job is certainly sucking the life out of me but yet I have also been slacking off in moving forward with my business plan. Social life is going well and I'm loving the spring/summer weather but I just have to get motivated again.

Today is a new day. Time to refocus and begin moving forward again- it's so easy to get stuck in a rut, come up with excuses and rationalize behavior, but at the end of the day I'm only hurting myself. It's time to rally again.

A better week

2010-05-19T15:40:00.006-04:00

My weekend slip forced me to do some serious reflecting on my progress and I think I've gotten myself back in gear and am now moving forward. I have not given into the urges and pulled (from anywhere) since the weekend. I attribute part of my success to getting back into the routine I set up about 6 weeks back- I've been waking up early (6am- just cant do much earlier)and working out, drinking less coffee (not a LOT less, but less), eating a bit healthier (less processed sugars), etc.

I have to admit that there is something about waking up early that really seems to help. It sets the tone for the whole day by giving me a chance to start my day off more relaxed and then, by the time I get home, I'm exhausted and spend less time in "compromising" situations where I'm more inclined to pull.

Another thing that really helps is the face washing routine. I recently decided to add to my regular routine and splurged on this expensive exfoliating treatment by Kate Somerville called "Exfolikate" that is significantly more than I would ever normally spend on beauty products (I promise that I have ZERO affiliation with this product so this isn't a bad plug or anything- http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P232915&categoryId=C20650). You put it on your face twice a week for about 30 seconds and it literally tingles and stings all at the same time and then leaves your skin SOO soft. My skin/pores have cleared up dramatically and after I use it, especially since its so expensive, I never want to touch my face b/c I don't want to waste the product!

The last thing I've added to the mix was a Rubix cube- yup, you read it right. I was at a friends a few weeks ago and we were splitting a bottle of wine (ok, a couple bottles) when I noticed he had a Rubix cube on his coffee table. I picked it up and was distracted for the next two hours, trying to beat that damn toy. When I was in Barnes and Noble last week I noticed they had one for $10 so I decided that if it helped me keep my hands busy, it was worth the $10. It's been pretty helpful although I will admit that I get so frustrated by the damn thing that my focus isn't quite what it was when I a bit liquored up.

Anyway, that is the update on the last few days. Hopefully I can keep up the progress!

Lost Love

2010-05-17T14:36:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I "rediscovered" my love of eyebrow hair. Those hairs that feel longer and curvier than the rest, particularly the ones closest to my ears ( not that my eyebrows extend to my ears but you get the idea) that just have a certain feel to them that others do not. They come in quicker than other hairs seem to and end up growing longer. The feel of pulling them is not like the other hairs- it's easy yet satisfying. Unfortunately damage can be done so quickly b/c they are so easy to grab a hold of and pull out.

I spent the weekend mostly outside enjoying the weather with friends and there was nothing particularly stressful going on. Yet yesterday morning, as I sat in bed finishing my coffee, checking email and watching Meet the Press, I reconnected with these tempting hairs. Once I pulled one, and at the time it felt as though there were plenty, I just pulled and pulled, knowing full well what I was doing but not caring about the consequences.

Then I looked in the mirror and half of my left eyebrow, just the left, was gone. I should have known this was coming as my weekly "trimming" has gone a little overboard (although I didnt really notice or address this until yesterday). Everything else, fortunately, remained in tact. I'm not going to lie- it felt so good pulling those hairs. For the few minutes it took me to do damage that will take weeks to repair, it was so comforting. Yet, as you know, once you are done or finally stop yourself, the guilt and shame and anxiety kick in. Back to trying to draw in my eyebrows, to making sure it's covered up and as unlikely to be noticed as possible. It sucks. And the sucky part will last a few weeks while the good part only lasted a few minutes. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can't we remember that the good part only lasts a few minutes? (and for those of you that watch The Office, this would be a perfect question calling for the "thats what she said" response- sorry, couldnt resist).

So now its time to pick back up and move on. Maybe this will be the reminder, the kick in the ass, that I needed. Still, this just sucks.

Hypocrisy

2010-05-14T10:32:00.003-04:00

Two weeks ago, when I was in Chicago, my family had rented a van to cart everyone back and forth to the hotel. When I was getting into the van (i think it was the morning of day 2) I noticed fingernail clippings all over the floor by one of the seats. At the time, I wasnt sure if it was someones or if the van was never cleaned from the last people so I asked those in the car (i get really grossed out by stuff like this)- my sister, aunt, cousin, parents- whether anyone had been biting their nails or noticed the clippings. No one said anything.

About an hour later my sister approached me and she was pissed. She said it was wrong for me to ask in front of everyone since I knew she bit her nails (i honestly didn't know it was her) and that she would never have done that to me with my trich. I was really caught off guard because I really hadn't even given it any thought- in my mind, fingernail biting is so common and nothing to be embarrassed about (although I would LOVE if people on the subway stopped clipping their nails in crowded cars- I find that so disgusting). She was right though- I would have been mortified if she had done that to me and I should have been more considerate.

Sometimes its easy to get wrapped up in thinking that trich is so unusual from other habits that only we are ashamed and embarrassed. The truth is, everyone has their own form of trich- something they might do or a habit they may have that they don't want to publicize. Just like we hope people won't judge us, we (or I) should be more thoughtful and empathetic- its true that you just don't know what life is like in anther's shoes.

Memories good and bad

2010-05-11T16:29:00.004-04:00

When I was younger I was about as awkward(as a teenager and pre-teen if I'm being honest) as you could get. I have naturally curly hair that my mother always had me keep just above my shoulders (she insisted this was for the benefit of my swimming since shorter hair drags less) which for anyone else that has curly hair you know that this can be a recipe for disaster- the longer it is, the more it weighs itself down. I refer to it as my "poodle afro" and in those days it was out of control because I was clueless about anything beauty related (and still a bit clueless).

Next was the teen acne which I thought could be covered up with make up but again, since I had no clue how to wear make up, it just made it worse. Mom was no help on this one and most of my friends were either boys or athletes, neither of whom had much need for makeup (the girls were much more blessed than me on almost all look fronts).

My wardrobe selections were atrocious. Thankfully in HS I was in Catholic School and didnt have to worry much about my day to day outfit but on the whole, if it wasnt something I could swim in or work out in, my "style" was hideous and I just didnt have a clue, even for the 80s.

To top it all off I had glasses. Not just glasses, but big glasses that took over most of my pimpled, awkward, eyelash free face. They started off as big blue glasses when I was 8 (shortly after the trich started), turned into enormous red glasses and ending with big round wire glasses. My mom had always told me that I couldnt get contacts until my eyelashes were back. Man, did I want to get rid of the glasses- I tried so hard for years to beat trich and couldnt. By the middle of my freshman year in HS my mom (and I) finally gave up and she let me get contacts (i've since had laser eye surgery which was one of the best purchases of my life).

Despite my general pre-teen/teen hideousness (seriously I am amazed that my parents left the house with me during those years) the one thing I always notice in old pictures is my lack of eyelashes. I was looking at an old picture over the weekend, one of the few I have of me with my grandmother, and the glasses and missing eyelashes makes it hard for me to look at the picture with happy memories. I know that the glasses did bring me some level of comfort, they were my barrier and, in my mind during those years, gave me some refuge from people directly and immediately noticing that my eyelashes were completely gone. It makes me sad, for all the years of anxiety I've suffered, for the photos that should be happy memories but really just make me sad for my younger, insecure self.

Fortunately when I was about 14 (and the acne was going away and the glasses were gone) someone saw me in a mall and offered me a makeover which my mom agreed to. She taught me (finally!) the art of make up application, how to use eyeliner to at least give the initial appearance of having eyelashes (which later was used with my missing eyebrows), just general tips. It took a few years to get my hair and clothing under control and, I kid you not, I had a guy i had known for most of my life approach me at a party when I was about 19 and literally stop short and say "wow, you grew up nicely, thats surprising". haha.

Now I can laugh about it. I'm pretty confident in who I am and what I look like and part of my is glad for the humility that was forced upon me since I can really relate much better to people and can help my younger cousins through their awkward teen years (mostly this consists of showing them a photo of me at 11 and telling them at least they arent that bad and letting them know what you look like then has NOTHING to do with what you will/can look like later so they will get through it).

I hate how despite the years that have passed, I still look at these old photos and the first thing I notice is whether I was having a good week or bad week with trich behind the glasses. I see a teenager uncomfortable in her own skin and a situation made even harder because of the "trich secret". I hope one day I will look back on this differently but I just hope that the memories I'm creating now arent dictated, albeit years later, by how good I'm doing with my trich. I've come to accept it as part of who I am, who I'll always be, but that doesnt mean it doesnt still hurt and make me sad for the years lost.

Here's to a better future, one where I'm in control, not trich. I wish you the same.

Anxiety

2010-05-07T09:26:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, after 2 long years, I said goodbye to my least favorite client of all time. He was the worst and would go through periods where he would just scream at me for twenty minutes about nothing and then come into court smiling. I have completed two trials with him now, both of which he was convicted thanks to overwhelming evidence, but now I dont have to deal with him ever again. Finally.

I have a few trials coming up including one Monday where i am fully convinced my client is innocent. Between that and some social obligations, the next few weeks will certainly be crazy and exhausting, but in a good way I hope since it should all be moving me towards the end goal of leaving my job and improving my life. However, for the last few days I have been feeling really anxious. The problem is I'm not really sure why and I cant help but worry that this will have an impact on my trich.

Admittedly, this week at least, I have not been sticking to my goals of getting up early, working out, and spending an hour a day working on my business plan. I have been exercising (as much as I can with a cold I've picked up) and I have my wii to thank for that- nothing beats being able to work out a sweat in your living room with a motivational trainer on the TV. I'm not really worried about work stuff (although I need to move it along if I ever want to quit my job), money is always a little bit of a worry but nothing out of the ordinary, things are generally ok. So where is this anxiety, this weird nervousness in the pit of my stomach, coming from?

I'm on guard with trich and that's a good thing so hopefully I'll be able to get through this without slipping. The battle continues.

Weekend Getaway

2010-05-05T12:18:00.004-04:00

Once again I'm sorry for being such a bad blogger. Rather than returning from Chicago on Sunday as planned, our flight was canceled due to (nonexistent) bad weather in NY (bad Jet Blue, bad) and we didn't end up getting home until Monday night. Of course, on Monday I had two court appearances scheduled and apparently my colleague got an earful from the judge about my absence (what did he think i could do? Strap on wings and fly back on my own?) Anyway, I'm now back trying to conquer the inevitable pile of work that has accumulated while I was gone.

Chicago was a good trip although it was a bit of family overload. That said, I went 5 days without a single urge to pull which is pretty incredible. I'm not sure why, when I'm away, I am so controlled with trich and yet the minute I return home the urges find their way back. So frustrating. It's not even as though I was distracted the whole time or anxiety free- I can't explain it. It's now been about 2 weeks since I've slipped and my eyebrows and eyelashes are once again looking great

For anyone who hasn't read some of my previous posts, I just want to be a little more clear about my "pull-freeness" - I am still (as I've confessed to in the past) allowing myself a "grooming night" once every couple weeks where I can maintain my eyebrows so that they don't get messy looking which I have no doubt would result in me pulling out everything. Also, I am still allowing myself to pull the dark hairs that come in around my naval area and around my bikini line- I don't know whether you consider that cheating or not but it's what I'm doing for now. I just didn't want to anyone reading this to be mislead as I'm sure some people would say this isn't really conquering trich- I'm just doing it in my own way since my focus is to get my eyebrows and eyelashes back as that's what has the biggest impact on my day to day life and happiness.

My mom has been continuing to tell me how good my eyelashes look every time I see her and that feels really good. My cousins and other family members, the ones who either have trich themselves or know about my trich, said nothing while we were in Chicago. At one point my aunt said something which led me to talking about the fact that I had eyelashes (i truthfully cant remember how it came up) and her reply was "cool" and then she moved on. I thought the return of my eyelashes after a 21 year hiatus would merit more than a "cool"! None of my friends have brought up my trich either although I kind of wish they would- maybe they think that now that I have them looking pretty good that I've beaten trich. Ha! Besides the 5 day hiatus I received while away, it is still a daily battle- right now I'm just wishing more people understood about trich and what its like. Oh well, maybe one day.

Back on Track

2010-04-28T15:13:00.003-04:00

I anticipated that this week would be tough but its been a bit easier than i anticipated. The small damage I did to my eyelashes the last couple weeks seems to be getting better by the day and the urges, despite my PMS'ing, haven't been as bad as I expected. I've been using the get up and walk around approach a lot more to distract myself from the urges and that seems to be helping. When I'm really tired this gets tough but I keep reminding myself that this is a priority and is meant to improve the quality of my life, so getting up and walking around for a few minutes is better than pulling and being eyelash free for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow morning I am leaving for Chicago and I'm usually pretty good about not pulling while I'm away (I'll also be rooming with my sister who would be all over me if she saw me even touching my eyelashes or eyebrows).

Unfortunately I'm feeling a bit of writers lag again today and dont have too much else to talk about but hopefully next week I will be back on schedule with a clear mind and will be writing more (and more often). Good luck to all!

Exhaustion

2010-04-24T10:15:00.003-04:00

The last week has been a bit touch and go with trich- the urges have been pretty bad but, with the exception of one more small slip, I've been able to hold pretty steady. From the last few weeks I've learned that I can handle stress and trich fairly well (its not easy) but that when I am really emotionally and physically drained AND stressed, it's a lethal combination for me when trying to not pull. Unfortunately, those are the times when I'm not as likely to be "on guard" and pulling out all the trich stops but, if I'm ever going to fully beat this thing, I must summon the energy to keep fighting from somewhere. Anywhere.

This weekend is going to be a real test. I'm pretty tired from a lot of running around (was another busy week), I'm stressed with getting a lot of work done (for my current and future job) and have a massive list of errands that need to be taken care of before I leave for Chicago on Thursday. Oh, and I'm PMS'ing. It's the perfect storm really. I was going to go with friends on a wine tour tomorrow but something else came up and, unfortunately, its probably for the best since I really should be laying low and building back up some energy. The next few weeks are going to be pretty busy.

So this weekend should be a time for me to really refocus on battling trich. I think I've been making excuses for myself and had hoped that trich would have eased off a bit by now. It clearly hasnt and I have to remember that this is almost like another full time job- trich is still not giving up but I cant back off or it will just run me down. (and speaking of stress- literally as I was writing this post my cat was throwing up all over my month-old carpet....ahhh, it never ends but what am I going to do? get mad at the cat for being sick? this is life, some things just happen and you have to pick up and move on).

And now the weekend test begins. Next week in Chicago I will be seeing almost my entire family for my little cousins bar mitvah- in this group will be my cousin who also battled trich (worse than me) for YEARS but never really would talk to me about it. There will also be other family I have spoken to about trich (and who have confessed to me similar, but much smaller, trich problems). It would be nice to show up with my eyebrows and eyelashes in tact for once :)

Have a great weekend and good luck to anyone trying to make it through without pulling!

A dose of inspiration

2010-04-20T17:08:00.002-04:00

Sorry for being MIA the last couple weeks- I just finished up the big trial I had mentioned and it took up every free minute I had. It's been a rough couple weeks, starting with the slip I mentioned in the last post. Sadly, it didn't stop there and the stress of the trial (and my client) became a bit overwhelming. Again, the damage isn't too horrible but I definitely pulled a few times and was not able to stay in control of my urges. Fortunately, I have been pull-free since the trial ended on Friday.

Yesterday I found out that a friend of mine (more of an acquaintance but she is best friends with my good friend) completed the Boston marathon in under 3 1/2 hours. This is pretty incredible on its own, but the back story of this girl is truly inspirational and I wanted to share it with anyone reading this.

The friend, her name is Jess, has been an elite triathlete for years, completing in several Iron Man's, countless marathons, you get the idea. Back in August she was biking with her husband (they had only been married a few months) and, going at a pretty good speed, crashed into the back of a car. She was rushed to the hospital where she went into (or was put into) a coma because she had a traumatic brain injury (she hit the pavement with her face causing her brain to push everything forward). According to our mutual friend, she was a mess and they weren't sure she was going to make it and I believe she remained in the hospital, and then rehab, until maybe late October (i could be getting the specifics wrong). Her entire appearance has changed and obviously she was not able to do any form of exercise, let along walk or run, for months (and when she first started she was in excruciating pain as the plates in her face would grind against each other). Yet, less than 9 months later, she completed the Boston Marathon with an impressive time.

I share this story as hope for anyone that is having a difficult time. Things can be dark and bleak and the outcome unknown, but if she can pull through something so serious and traumatic and overcome incredible odds then I have to believe that as difficult as trich is, I can overcome it. She didn't get to where she is today overnight, and I know that there were times when she had enough and wanted to give up, but she didn't. I won't either.

Not cool

2010-04-13T08:41:00.002-04:00

So I have to confess that over the weekend I had a pretty big setback. I was working most of the weekend doing trial preparation and around 10:00 on Saturday night I decided to put the work away and just relax a little bit. I really wish I knew what happened.

I started in the typical way of just feeling my lashes with my fingers. Feeling for hairs that were out of place or thicker or shorter than the rest. I knew I didnt want to be doing it but I couldnt stop. Actually, that's a lie. I could have stopped but I didnt even try. In a pathetic, half assed way I would try to keep my hand busy but I could also hear that stupid little voice in my head saying that "just this one and no one will be able to tell". If only it worked that way.

So I pulled one and then another would take its place as the focus of my attention- the same pattern it has been for years. And then, once again, I panic at the damage I've done. In just a few minutes, maybe 15, and I've set myself back weeks. The lashes are still there but they are definitely thinner and my right eyelid now has a small spot where, if you look closely, there are no lashes. Yes, i can pretty easily cover it up with a little eyeliner and mascara to make it appear thicker but I know its there.

I dont have an explanation that can justify it. Stress from the trial, emotions from that jerk guy coming back into the picture, anxiety over quitting my job, exhaustion from working 90+ hours last week- I'm not really sure. I couldnt even take my own advice and forgive myself and move on- I was so frustrated at my self destruction. But that was Saturday. Sunday I work up and realized that its done, its over and the only thing that will get me through is to refocus and stop pulling because that is the only way they will grow back in.

Its funny but I realize that every time I think I've found something (this time exercise) and I make the proclamation "i'm too tired from now exercising to even want to pull" , within a few posts I'm confessing my slips. I suppose its thinking I've found a away to beat it and, as a result, I start to let me guard down when trich is on the other side of that wall just waiting for me not to pay attention.

All I know at this point is that I cant go back again. Now that I know what it feels like to have eyebrows and eyelashes, I cant go back to a life where I pull them out. One day I hope my battle with trich will be over but clearly it's not over yet.

Thank you

2010-04-08T19:26:00.002-04:00

I just want to start by saying thank you for the support- it's really nice to know that others can understand what I'm going through (although it sucks that others have had experiences similar to my experience with tactless jerk guy(. Until recently I didn't realize just how much of an impact trich has had on almost my entire life and I really don't think a person can understand that impact unless they have this disease.

The other day I was telling my friend about trich for the first time. He was one of the first people I met in college and, although we dated on and off for about 7 years (which officially ended about 2 years ago) we now have a really great friendship. We have a pretty solid understanding of each other in many, many ways, but I felt that, albeit unintentionally, he almost trivialized what it's like to have this disease. Trivialized may not be the right word, but he made it seem like "no big deal"- dont get me wrong, I know he was trying to be supportive but he's wrong, it is a big deal.

He called it a quirk, which yes, in some ways it is, but it's also so much more than that. There are hours spent worrying about what others think, and planning how to cover up the missing hair depending on what situation you may encounter on a given day. There is endless shame and anxiety, years of frustration and sadness. It's not just something I do, its a huge part of who I am and what my life has been, and as much as I've confronted it, it'll always be a big part of my future. I guess that's why when someone makes an insensitive remark, like the tactless jerk I mentioned on Wednesday, it is so hard to forgive or even try to forget.

Again, I'm sorry that most people reading this know what it's like all too well- I wouldn't wish trich on anyone- but I'm grateful that there are people out there that can understand and I'm grateful for all the support I've received.

On a side note- I've been up every day this week at 6am and have been exercising for the first time in a long time. The other day I bought a Wii active game which includes a 30 day challenge and i must admit that it is kicking my butt into shape. By the end of the day, I'm too tired to pull and just want to go to bed. For now, I'll take the small vacation from having urges:)

Forgiveness.

2010-04-06T16:06:00.004-04:00

A few minutes ago I got a instant message from my friend M (the one who I had told about my trich a few weeks ago over dinner). Apparently she had just been talking to this guy we went to college with, I think I previously referred to him as D, and they were talking about my trich. Random timing.

D was the guy in college who had literally no tact. He wasn't a bad guy, he just didn't have any boundaries and didn't know when to keep his mouth shut. D and I sat next to each other in class one semester and he noticed I didn't have any eyelashes. He becane like a moth to a flame. He wouldn't stop staring and making comments about it. My biggest insecurity seemed to be his favorite topic. I told him it was because of medication I was on but I don't think he bought it. I avoided him as much as possible.

Flash forward to after college and my friend and I were throwing a big party in NYC (i was living in DC at the time). I was standing with some friends and he literally walked up, in a crowded bar, stood right next to me, and commented that my eyelashes were still missing. Needless to say that put a big damper on my night.

To this day I have disliked him. I know we all make mistakes and say stupid shit, but i have not been able to get over it. We don't see each other but we do have some friends in common. One of them being my friend M, who apparently he contacted today, saying that he knows M and I are friends, that he has always felt bad, that he thought I had eyelashes at the party and was going to comment on how great it was and that when he got close to me and realized I didn't have them, he just blurted it out. He told M he has felt disgusted and horrible ever since and that its one of his biggest regrets.

Here is where I'm kind of a jerk. I told M that I know people screw up and I'd be a hypocrite not to forgive him but I also told her I didn't want him to contact me. Not now. Probably not ever. Yes, we are Facebook friends (which is kind of stupid) but I think I've pretty much blocked him from contacting me even on FB. Right now I cant deal with it and even with hearing M tell me what he was saying, I couldn't stop from getting upset, literally with tears in my eyes- that's how insecure I felt and still feel about the situation.

Oh, and apparently, in trying to figure out if he should apologize (this was a few years ago), he told 3 of my other friends- only one who actually knew about my trich. So not only did he make me feel insecure, but he told other people- including one guy that i had been seeing on and off for a while. Great. Now I know they know. Yes, I'm telling people but I get to control who knows and who doesn't. I'm not going to lie - it makes me feel like shit.

I know I should forgive him and, to a certain extent, I do. But right now this is just one more stressful thing I cant deal with. My trial starts tomorrow (and my client is having meltdowns left and right which include screaming at me- he's not a nice guy) so I want to leave it for another day.

I will be the first to admit that I can hold a grudge like nobody's business. I don't necessarily like this quality about myself but I haven't truly mastered the art of forgiving and letting go (basically I can put up with a LOT but there is a line and once is crossed, I'm just done). I wish I could because I know I've done my share of mean and stupid things in life and I would hope people would forgive me. People change- I know I have- and I should give them the same courtesy I'd want them to give me. I just wish I knew how.........

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly

2010-04-05T10:22:00.004-04:00

As great as Friday morning was, Friday night was a different story. I've been busy prepping for this big trial I have starting this week and stayed in to get some work done. About 9pm I received multiple emails from my boss, who tends to have BS revelations every so often on how best to "manage" the firm. He basically comes up with plans for meetings that are nothing but a huge waste of time and then he turns around and gets annoyed with us for not billing enough hours every month when we all know he has a tendency to grossly exaggerate his own time (never mind the fact that he really doesn't know how to handle a case on his own). This is one small example.

Anyway, after getting the latest emails about issues with my time from last month (i have been so busy i havent had time to update yet) and wanting early morning meetings (which would result in another huge waste of time for the meeting and now we cant go straight to court and have to waste more time traveling to/from the office and then to/from court)my anxiety level went through the roof. Before I knew what I was doing, I had pulled 4 eyelashes. I was so angry and annoyed with him, and so sick of all his clueless nonsense (and the fact he had to email all of us at 9pm on a Friday with that crap) that I went straight back to my old bad way of dealing with stress.

I know stress is going to happen and I definitely didnt handle it well. I can say I was tired and wasnt on guard but that cant be an excuse. I slipped and I have to accept my part in it but it made me really think about my current situation. My job is chaotic, there is no way around it, and for the most part I can deal with the client chaos. I just have had enough of my boss and his empty promises. I've stuck around for almost 3 years (and have been here longer than anyone else) while he has promised me my salary would improve when things got better. Really, it hasnt. All of the things I liked about the firm when I started here are gone. It's a different place and I have really been feeling devalued based upon the time and energy I have put into this place and what I'm getting out of it.

Soooo, it's time to move on. The economy sucks and obviously now isnt the best time to be job searching or starting a business but if I really want my life to improve, I've got to take some changes. The title of this post, a quote from Robert Kennedy, is very appropriate. My boss is never going to change and the stress he causes me will never go away- it's time I came to terms with that. Every time I think things are getting better, he comes up with some new idea that everyone, not just me, gets frustrated with. I wont let him be the reason I fail over trich. I can handle stress, usually quite well, but there must be a purpose to it, a goal for myself, not just putting money in his pocket.

On Saturday night, after going out for my friends birthday and talking with some great people who have made big career changes lately, I had a dream that I started up my own firm. I woke up so relieved until I realized it wasnt true. That's when I knew it was just time. Starting my own firm is so risky but I believe I can do it and there is never going to be a "perfect" time to take this chance.

Today I started my 6 month plan. I got up at 6am, went for a run, got to work early, and will spend at least 1 hour today working on a plan to get my own business up and going. I've read that if you spend an hour a day working towards a goal every day for 6 months, the odds are you can make it happen. In just under 6 months, on a Monday in September, I will turn 30. And that's the day I will quit my job.

I dont expect this to be an easy process, and I am sure that with the stress of this new adventure I will have plenty of urges, I just hope that the stress is good stress, the kind that will change my life and keep me on the right path. As I've mentioned, my struggle with trich has been a lifestyle change- a great one- and I need to continue that journey. I'm daring to achieve greatly and, although I'm admittedly terrified, I'm hopeful it can all work out.

Good morning

2010-04-02T17:51:00.004-04:00

Last night I hung out with this guy I've been friends with since college. I'd always had a small crush on him but had dated one of his fraternity brothers for several years so I figured it was a closed door. Also, after college we usually live extremely far away from each other so it seemed like would never be anything more than a college crush (we did hang out once or twice over the years, the last time about 5 years ago when I was in California).

He moved back to NYC in August to go to grad school and we reconnected (thank you Facebook). We hung out a few times in December although I was dating the jerk/adulterer Italian guy and, at the time, was pretty happy in that relationship so nothing ever progressed. It just so happened that immediately after things with the Italian fell apart, this other guy asked me to hang out(and yes, I really do refer to the jerk as "the Italian"- its not the most creative nickname my friends and I have come up with but he was literally from Italy so it just became his nickname -although now that's the nicest name I have for him).

College guy couldnt be more different from the Italian (although he is also Italian but not "off the boat") and he was slow to make a move. It always stayed pretty casual and, to be honest, we had both been so busy the last few weeks we barely spoke. Anyway, this week he called and wanted to get together.

Last night we went out for drinks, played some beirut (or beer pong depending on where you live and went to school) and then went back to my apartment to watch a movie. By the time the movie was over, and admittedly we did some PG-13 hooking up, he was pretty tired and somehow hinted at staying. In the past he'd asked me to stay at his place but I always left- figuring it was a good way to keep it casual and because I have always been so freaked out at the idea of waking up at a guys place and exposing my "secret". I think he must have sensed my hesitation because he flat out asked me if I was kicking him out and then I felt guilty so I said of course he could stay (i mean, we have been friends for 10 years and its not like I was worried about something happening between us).

This morning was fabulous. For the first time I didnt wake up in the middle of the night to fix my make up, nor did I spend most of the night sleepless, worrying that I had to get up before him to make sure my eyeliner was intact. I didnt worry that my pseudo-eyebrows would rub off in the night on my pillow. I slept well and in the morning the only thing I was worried about was whether or not I had morning breath, something quite a bit more common than missing eyebrows and eyelashes. Although he was slow to make a move originally, and I was worrying he was even less affectionate than I am, he was very cuddly this morning and it was nice to just be able to enjoy the attention, to just relax and not feel completely self conscious.

I wish I could say that all of these positive things have kept me from having urges but it is still difficult. Most of the time its still a conscious effort to keep myself from pulling and the urges, while they are certainly less frequent, are still there and can still be incredibly strong. I just keep hoping that the more I keep having positive experiences, and basically enjoying this new 'lifestyle', the easier it will be to manage my trich. For now, I'm just happy that I'm getting to have these experiences and positive interactions since there were many, many years I never thought it was possible. :)

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful, pull-free weekend!

Have you always had eyelashes?

2010-04-01T09:24:00.003-04:00

When I was in Florida a few weeks ago I had a chance to see a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in years. He and I are very close but life had taken us in different (physical) directions so getting together had been tough since we graduated from college. He has been living in Florida for a while and we finally made plans to hang out the night I was in West Palm Beach.

Just to give a little background, he and I became friends in college and he had a reputation for being a bit of a flirt- in fact, I think he hooked up with quite a few girls in my sorority (yes, i was in a sorority- not my proudest moments). Anyway, at some point we began an on-again off-again relationship where we were basically friends with benefits. We would go through periods where we would just be friends and then we'd both be bored and hook up again- at one point I was even dating his roommate (dont ask). Junior year we hung out, with another two friends, literally every night and would smoke, drink, watch movies, listen to music and just do typical college stuff.

Needless to say we had an unusual relationship but I can truly say that he is, and probably always will be, one of my favorite friends. We can pick up just where we left off, we motivate each other to want to be better and we talk about almost everything. No matter where life takes us, he will have a special place in my heart.

I give you the background primarily so that you can understand how much time we spent together. When we were in Florida a few weeks ago, after a number of drinks, he turned to me and said "Kimmie, I need to ask you something. I feel like I'm going crazy but I have to ask" (1. very few people are allowed to call me kimmie, and 2.obviously this got my attention). He then followed with "have you always had eyelashes?"

I was caught a little off guard but was so happy he noticed and that he asked. He said he felt horrible and uncomfortable asking me but I assured him it was okay, that I felt good talking about it. He said that he had noticed when they were missing, particularly considering our "relationship" and the time we spent together, but he never thought much about it. In fact, he said he equated it to him having flat feet- some people just have different features and I just happened to not have eyelashes (remember, this is after quite a lot of drinking).

Next he told me that when he was younger he used to pull his eyebrows. It didn't continue into adulthood but once again, I was left feeling surprised at how many people have a form of trich or something similar. Not only did this make me motivated to keep up the progress I've made with trich but it made me a little sad for all the years I spent feeling like a freak, like someone that people looked at and judged me based on the fact I didnt have eyelashes. There will always be some jerk who does treat you like a freak, but if I've learned anything the last few months, it's really that people are much more understanding and less judgmental then we give them credit for. Once we stop judging and stop assuming how people will react, we can feel better about ourselves and have healthier relationships. Now I just wish I'd told him years ago.

The Sweetest Revenge

2010-03-29T18:02:00.005-04:00

I live in a city of over 8 million people. One would think that with that many people you wouldn't have many chance encounters. Sure, I see friends in my neighborhood and places that I know are local hang outs. And yes, once in a while I will just randomly run into someone somewhere unexpected but that should be the exception, not the rule.

There is one person in this city I never wanted to see again. One person. Out of 8 million. Its now official that the phrase "what are the odds?" just doesnt apply to me (seriously, people have been saying that to me a lot over the years and the only time it hasnt come true is the lotto- go figure).

Anyway, on Friday I was leaving the courthouse kind of late- much later than I usually do- since I stayed to speak to my client and her family after the scheduled status conference. We were walking to the subway and I was listening to my client and her family discuss how they were getting home. I had my head down and was honestly paying more attention to making sure I didnt trip in my heels than with listening to my clients. Then I looked up.

Coming out of the subway was the only ex-boyfriend I have lost complete contact with. Remember the Italian guy from a few months ago? The one who turned out to be a total liar who was married? The one who was supposed to be in Italy taking care of his seriously ill mother? Oh yes, thats the one. And he was stariing at me. While my stomach turned itself in knots and lodged itself right in my throat I managed to keep my cool. Fortunately I was with my clients so he didnt approach me and I certainly didnt approach him- when I found out he was married I told him I never wanted to see him again and I wasnt kidding. I NEVER wanted to see him again. He was the first guy in years I've really liked and I was just feeling like the whole thing was behind me.

And then there he was. Yes, it sucked. Yes, it brought it all back up. And yes, normally I would have gone home and probably given into the urges that would inevitable rear their ugly heads while I got rid of my nervous energy. But I DIDNT PULL A SINGLE HAIR. Nope, I made it. The best part of the entire awful encounter was that I looked and felt good while he looked tired and crappy. I even had on a cute outfit (thank god i decided to suffer in heels-which I rarely do-and I had a great dress on!)

Having my hair back is just part of the equation. Fighting trich has caused me to find strength in myself I didnt even know I had. Being open and honest has given me courage rather than the shame and embarrassment I've felt for years. I felt good, really good, and in a situation like that, isnt that all you can hope for? to walk away feeling good about yourself ?(even if you still hate the situation and feel sadness over the loss of the person from your life?). Friday night I didnt want to pull because not only do I not want to lose my hair again, I dont want to lose that confidence and strength in myself- he will NOT take that away from me :)

Quarterly Review (Part 2)

2010-03-25T09:45:00.002-04:00

Before I continue sharing some of the tips that I've found helpful, I want to emphasize that I often have to try multiple things when an urge to pull arises. Get creative. If one distraction doesnt work, find another. If you cant stop thinking about pulling, leave your house, call a friend, start cooking, just DO SOMETHING ELSE. I know all too well how urges can last for hours and consume my thoughts so just implement every tip you've ever heard until something works or the urge subsides.

Daydream: This may sound silly but lately I've found this to help. Sometimes I will rub my fingers across my eyelashes or eyebrows and become incredibly aware of one particular hair that seems too thick, out of place, etc. I will focus all my energy on that hair and become consumed with thinking about it, it almost feels as though it is begging me to be pulled (rationally I know that as soon as I pull this one hair, there will be another one just like it somewhere else and the slippery slope will continue).

Think of something else. I'll start trying to imagine what I would do if I were to win the lottery- who I would give money to, what I would buy, charities I would donate to. I'll imagine what it would be like to be a particular character in a movie or TV show. I'll start picturing myself with a new job or opening up my own firm and try to think about how my life would be different and how I could go about actually making it happen. It can be anything- as you see, my list is kind of cheesy but it has to be a pretty imaginative scenario because you need to think it through in order to refocus your thoughts about pulling. I've found that it can take a little while but this can sometimes help because I can get so caught up in the 'daydream' that by the time I'm done imagining some crazy scenario the urge has subsided.

Think of why you want to stop: This is obviously much easier said than done. Anyone with trich knows that all we want to do is stop pulling and we are all too aware of how much it can suck and how much shame trich can bring. We all have lots of reasons we want to stop, but how often do we really put it down on paper?

One of the things I've done with this blog is try and post, after most entries, another reason that I want to stop. At one point I compiled the list and when i'm having a tough trich day, I'll look it over and see how much control trich has taken over in my life. When I am forced to see, not just think, about all the negative trich has caused me, it can remind me not to give up. Seeing, on paper (or online), reason after reason to stop just makes me angry at trich and makes me want to fight this disease that much more- to find a way to stop that can maybe help me and others.

Never, never, never give up & always forgive yourself: Also easier said than done. Some days are a lot easier than others but trich is never giving up on beating you so why should I give up on beating trich? One of us is going to win this battle and its not going to be trich. It's kind of like a boxing match- you can win a round, trich can win a round, but someone has to win the fight.

Although I've had this disease for over twenty years I think I've really just come to terms with it in the last few months. I've accepted that trich is like many other illnesses or addictions- we didnt choose to get it but we can choose to fight it. And some days we will lose.

I used to be so angry with myself when I would slip, I'd think of all the progress I had ruined in minutes (if not seconds). I'd get sidetracked with my mission to beat trich and would just feel hopeless and powerless. I've changed how I think about this. Now, if I slip, I forgive myself. I know that I am not going to change 20+ years of behavior overnight, but I can control how I react to a slip. I can give up or I can forgive myself, pick back up and forge ahead. Just because I pulled one doesnt me I have to pull them all. I consider it progress that now, if I do have a slip (which is obviously not ideal) I am able to stop after just one. Thats an accomplishment. Four months ago that would have been unheard of. Four months ago I would have given up. I've never done this well and I should be so proud of myself for the progress I have made.

This isnt meant to rationalize the slips but if I do slip I try and learn what I did wrong so I dont do that again. What's the lesson in the slip? What was I not paying attention to? what didnt I try in that situation that could have helped me stop? Rather than being angry at myself for slipping, I'm angry at trich for creeping back in- I'm going to kick trich's ass in the next round.

Bring on the exhaustion: My last tip is kind of a continuation of yesterdays suggestion to change your routine. I recently read an article with suggestions for becoming more effective and productive in life. One of the suggestions was to get up early- that people who wake up really early tend to have a more productive day and have less stress in life.

This has not been easy for me in practice because I am not a morning person but it is actually a really good tip. Every 2-3 days I'll set my alarm for 15 minutes earlier than it was and my goal is to get up around 5am every day (usually I go to bed around 1 am since I dont even get home from work until circa 8:00 and everyone needs time to hang out at night). I have to admit that this extra time in the morning, to hang out, have a cup of coffee, make a sandwich for lunch, play with my cat, whatever it is really sets the tone for the whole day. I'm going to throw yoga into the mix eventually but even without the yoga I'm generally feeling less stressed.

This has two benefits. (1) I've read countless studies which say that the more stressed we are, the more difficult it can be to overcome the urge to pull, and (2) I typically pull at night after I've relaxed for a little while and my guard is down. Getting up earlier makes me want to go to bed earlier and so I'm eliminating a lot of that "guard down" time.

I think there is a difference between relaxation time and "guard down" time. Guard down time kind of refers to that time of night when you are more likely to be a little daring- perhaps call an ex or a guy that you dont normally have the courage to call, to write an email to your boss rather than "sleeping on it" and waking up to reread in the morning only to realize you definitely should not be sending the email. Hopefully that makes sense. I can relax, watch TV, but there comes a point where I'm just not as aware of my actions. By waking up earlier, I still give myself time to unwind at night but not time to hang out with my guard down against trich.

Anyway, those are the best tips I can share and I hope that they are helpful. Good luck and thank you for not just reading but for all your support- it's helped me more than you can ever know and I hope that we can all beat this together!

Quarterly Review (Part 1 of 2)

2010-03-24T16:27:00.007-04:00

I took last week off to go down to Florida and de-stress a bit which was fabulous (although I think it was warmer in NYC). It also gave me some time to really think about the last few months and the progress I've made with trich but it also gave me time to think about what I havent been giving to those who are kind enough to read my blog. I dont feel as though I've really given any helpful advice- I've talked a lot about what its like and kind of touched on what I'm doing but not the full extent.

Obviously I'm not an expert although I would think that having the disease for 20+ years could qualify me as one in a court of law (the lawyer in me never fails to come through). I remember countless times that I've searched online for success stories- people that have really beaten trich- only to be disappointed with the results.

I'm not a success story- yes, I have back 99% of my eyelashes and eyebrows and have had them for over a month now but its still a daily struggle. That said, I know there are some people who would LOVE to be where I am with trich. I cant give that to you, I think it is different for everyone but I'm going to use this post to do a little recap and hopefully offer enough suggestions about what I've tried that it will work for someone else.

Online obsession: For years I pretended my trich didnt consume most of my life but now I am almost obsessed with it. I've spent countless hours researching advice, tips, anything. Obviously I've also started this blog. I've joined the online yahoo group (which you can find on the TLC website). I have tried to gather as much info on the disease itself and on any possible tip that could help me beat the urges.

My online obsession has helped in a few ways. You never know what tips might help but also forcing myself to confront trich head on has made me extremely conscious of my behavior. Sometimes you dont even realize you are pulling but when you think about trich all the time, you suddenly become much more aware of your urges and your behavioral patterns. Also, connecting with other people that have trich is incredibly comforting. The support I've received from this blog and from the online group has been amazing- its not often people understand what its like but having people dealing with the same daily struggle as you, particularly when its anonymous, is great.

For some reason I found this website, http://www.empowher.com/users/natalie, particularly helpful. I cant explain it too well but it was the first time I've ever seen someone with trich that I felt I could relate to(besides family and to be honest I've never actually met anyone else with trich-usually people I've spoke to are online and you dont see their face so its hard to personally relate sometimes). Hearing this woman speak about her struggle made me feel more confident about my own. Also, the TLC website is a great resource and obviously other peoples blogs on trichs can be great (when they are consistent which isnt always the case)-you can access several of them through TLC's website.

Opening up to friends and family: As you may have read in previous posts, I have come out to lots of friends and family about my trich over the last three months. At first it was awful and hard and I could barely get the words out without crying. I rarely spoke about it openly before- my family knew and a handful of friends have been told over the years but this was something different. I told everyone from my hairdresser to the make up artist at MAC to friends I've only had for a couple of years. I've told more people than I've even mentioned on my blog.

In my mind, doing this was my point of not return. I made myself accountable and I cant tell you how good it now feels. What I never expected was how many people replied with "i used to pull out ______" or "i do something similar". It was shocking- I've been so consumed with my own shame that I never realized how many people really have similar problems. While I know from personal experience that not everyone reacts positively to learning about someone pulling out their hair, out of the 20 or so people I've now told not a single one has judged me and everyone has been incredibly supportive.

In all honesty, very few of the people that I've told have followed up and asked me about how I'm doing but I know its not because they dont care, its because they do and they know how hard it has been (in the past) for me to talk about. Sometimes I'll just bring it up to them to try and show that I can talk about it but even when this doesnt happen I know that they know. I know that i cant hide my trich behind BS excuses any more and that if they didnt notice the missing eyelashes and eyebrows before, they certainly do now and so I cant fail. Every little bit helps.

If there was one thing I could recommend to people with trich it would be to start talking about it openly. Yes, it is not going to be easy at first but it is worth it and now I'd really have no problem telling a complete stranger. Really (3 months ago even the idea of that may have sent me into a complete panic).

Change your routine:I would guess that we all have places or situations where we tend to pull more than others. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. I have organized my entire apartment just to keep busy- down to my utensil drawers in the kitchen. Anything that keeps me busy for as long as possible is a plus. When I get home from work I immediately go wash my face- not just with face wash but with toner, and cleansing pads, mud masks, collagen creme- the works. And i now do this every day. The tingling, clean feeling makes me not want to touch my face.

When you have an urge, move. Literally, get off your butt and find something to do. I have walked around my apartment in the middle of the night like a zombie (granted I was still awake since I dont pull as much in bed but I was still exhausted) and organized my DVD collection just to buy myself some time until an urge subsided. This takes real commitment. Do whatever it takes to break up the urge- sometimes, especially at first, this can mean a constant up and down rather than relaxing and watching TV on the sofa. As soon as I find myself absentmindedly stroking my hair (even if i'm telling myself i wont pull) I break up my routine and go somewhere else in my apartment, do something else, whatever it takes to keep busy.

Changes in diet: This is a topic I havent gone into much on my blog. Through my research I've found several suggestions for changing my diet but frankly I didnt think I could ever sacrifice my caffeine and chocolate addiction, even if it meant beating trich. I mean, is anything worth giving up coffee and chocolate?

Ok, I cant say that I've given them up but I've definitely cut back and I dont know if its the fact I'm 3 months into this battle anyway or actually the change in my diet but the urges are getting significantly better. I noticed this first when I was in Florida. Rather than my standard venti bold Starbucks in the morning followed by another regular sized coffee during the day I was only have one cup of coffee in the morning (its also been hard since i'm convinced my massive caffeine intake keeps me thin without working out but I digress). Last week I also wasnt having my regular daily chocolate intake (which can sometimes consist of up to 4 cadbury eggs a day which I"m obsessed with). I'm trying to do about the same with coffee and caffeine this week to make sure it really is diet and not just the general relaxation mode that comes with being on vacation. The urges this week have been MUCH better than they usually are. Still havent decided if it's worth it (assuming I can keep up progress without going into chocolate withdrawal) but its certainly worth really considering...........

Anyway, thats about all I can write for now but I will follow up with more tomorrow. Again, I hope that maybe something will help anyone that is reading who feels as lost as I did. Good luck!

A little hiatus

2010-03-19T12:26:00.004-04:00

I just wanted to write a quick post to let everyone know that I have not forgotten about my blog nor have I intentionally stopped writing. I spent the last week bumming around Florida and enjoying the wonderful (but not super sunny) weather.

As for my trich this past week- I went the entire week without so much as a single urge and then last night I got back around 2am, decided to put on the TV for a bit and somehow started thinking about all I had to do. Without even realizing I was doing it I pulled out an eyelash. I immediately stopped myself, got up and moved around, washed my face, and went to bed. I've realized that I have to be extra careful when I am tired since my ability to fight off the urges certainly coincides with my exhaustion level.

Anyway, I'm proud to say that with the exception of that one slip I am still doing great. More updates later but for now I have to go unpack and run some errands! Hope everyone has had a great pull-free week!

Bat those lashes

2010-03-11T15:36:00.003-05:00

Today I was in court with my client who showed up about an hour late. Unfortunately, being late means you get stuck on a list with dozens of attorneys in front of you and you never know how long they will take with their client once in front of the Judge. This morning was almost painful.

Anyway, after waiting for about an hour and a half I approached the court officer (for the second time) to ask how many cases were still in front of mine. This is one of the situations where being a female criminal defense attorney can really work in my favor. His response "bat your eyes at me and your case will be next". I'm not kidding.

It took me a quick second to run through my checklist- 1. I need to get out of here and get back to the office, 2. today is my last day before my vacation begins, 3. do I have eyelashes?

Exhale. Stomach unknots. Yes! I can do this! I actually have lashes (that i was so close to pulling out once again last night) and so, for the first time ever, I put aside my pride and the general awkwardness of the situation and batted my lashes (I would imagine that batting your eyelids doesnt have quite the same effect).

I'm not going to lie, it was weird. I'm not a cutesy/blatantly flirty type of girl to begin with but I had stuff to do and places to go. Anyway, thank god I had something to 'bat' at him because that could have been a pretty shitty and awkward situation. Who asks that anyway? Apparently he does.

Once again I am relieved that I have continued to stay strong and that my self confidence didnt have to suffer yet another uncomfortable blow as I tried to awkwardly avoid the situation or make up an excuse to run to the bathroom and untie all the knots that had formed in my stomach. This was a situation I've never encountered before but lucky for me it occurred a couple months AFTER i decided to wage my own war against trich.

Reason #28 to stop- need to be able to "bat those lashes" on command - never know when you'll be asked.

A lifetime of excuses

2010-03-10T09:20:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I wrote about opening up to those close to me and the positive reactions Ive been fortunate enough to receive, however, I know that this isn't always the case. It also got me thinking about the times when someone has noticed my missing eyelashes and eyebrows and how I've dealt with those situations- with BS excuses.

The first time I remember being called out on my trich was in the 3rd grade. I even remember the outfit I was wearing. I don't know what was going on in the 3rd grade, perhaps my transition to a new school where I didn't know many people, but this is pretty much around the time my trich began and things are pretty clear. Anyway, I was sitting at my desk next to Chad, a kid who ended up on my swim team (another awesome situation to have to deal with trich), and we were talking about the multiplication test when he looked at me and said "where are your eyelashes?" Oddly enough, the only thing I don't remember is what I said in response.

A kid in college, D, also knew (i referred to this yesterday) and he was the worst out of everyone. He was an awkward guy to begin with and didnt seem to have any sense of personal boundaries. I dont remember at what point he noticed, but he would NEVER let it go. He would come up to me in parties and ask me why I had no eyelashes. It was awful. I would feel sick to my stomach, I would begin to sweat and grow anxious, terrified someone would overhear or that he would tell someone.

At first I made up a lame excuse about how I was having a reaction to medication I was on and then I would just try and ignore him. I avoided him at all costs and I don't know if he ever knew why. I ran into him a few years after college, at a party I was throwing in the city with a friend, and he showed up. First thing he did was come up to me, look me in the face and comment that my eyelashes were still missing. To this day part of me hates him- justified or not.

I've used the medication excuse more than once over the last 21 years- I think that may be my favorite excuse although the older I've gotten the more I've realized it doesn't make sense. Why would I be allergic to medicine and the only hair loss just happens to be my eyelashes and eyebrows- nothing else. Somehow I convinced myself that others would buy this and to a certain extent I think maybe they did.

The last time someone called me out unexpectedly was about 5 years ago. I was living in DC and was going rock climbing with my then roommate. I was driving, without sunglasses (damn bright lights giving things away) and she was talking to me when she just stopped and asked why I had no eyelashes. I again used the medication excuse, declaring that they should be back in soon (hoping my current attempt to beat trich would be successful- obviously it wasn't). She didn't press the issue, just commented that she'd never noticed in the year or so we'd been living together.

Those are just a few examples but I feel as though I've come up with some other random excuses over the years. The worst part is when it catches you off guard and that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that immediately arises when you try and think of what excuse will sound the more plausible.

Writing this blog each day has really reminded me of all the awful and uncomfortable situations trich has caused me. Little memories have come up and I just have to keep reminding myself of them when the urges are at their worst (like last night- ugh, last night sucked but I managed to hang in there). I want to be done with the excuses, the lies, the covering it up- I want to be done with all the crap that trich brought along with it for the last 21 years. This time I'm not giving up.

Reason #27- that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that arises when someone unexpectedly notices or comments about my missing hair.

Those who matter won't mind and those who mind wont matter'

2010-03-09T09:34:00.006-05:00

It's been just over two months since I started this blog. When I first began I could not imagine talking about my trich with anyone. The support I've received through this blog has been incredible and I truly believe it has helped me progress to this point (thank you!) While it was easier to talk to people who couldn't see me and didn't know me I knew I also had to start opening up to friends and family.

As I've mentioned in the past, I've had mixed results over the years with the few friends I've told about my trich. Since I began this blog I have brought it up to a few of the people who knew already- my parents, my sister and my friend Danielle- and we others who did not. It was hard at first- each time I would tell someone I would burst into tears while trying to confess to my "habit".

It gets easier. Much, much easier. Last Friday night I was out to dinner with a friend who I never would have considered telling just a few months ago. We went to college together, had a few mutual friends but did not really become close until we ended up on the same trip to Israel in 2006. We were catching up (I'll post more about the specifics another time as it relates to trich in a distant way) and I just blurted it out. Each time I tell someone I get more honest about what I do, how I do it and what I'm now trying to accomplish.

The list has grown to include this friend, my best friend Megan, a law school friend, my cousin, my aunt, my grandmother, my hair dresser, some random woman at the Mac store and I think one or two others. I think that's pretty impressive although I just noticed that these are all women. Last night I was going to tell my friend Peter who knows many of my deep, dark secrets but he was in the company of his latest fling when I called. I want to tell him and my best guy friend and then I think I will have my primary support network in place.

In all honesty not many people have followed up and asked me questions despite me asking them to check in on my trich from time to time. I'm sure it must be hard for them and I plan on almost forcing their hand so that I don't just pretend its not an issue anymore.

The one thing that has struck me, in all the people I've now told, is that not one of them judged me (although I think many were surprised having never heard of trich before), they all asked questions and not one of them really ever noticed. I know that may sound hard to believe (and I'm pretty good with using make up to cover up trich but still) but that was the resounding comment by all. They noticed I wore a lot of eyeliner, that my eyebrows were often thin (non-existent but again- thank you eyebrow powder from sephora!) but that's about where it stopped. I think my friend Megan admitted she once noticed I didn't have eyelashes but her comment was "but I never knew you with them so i just didn't think about it".

I have spent 21 years convinced that everyone around me thought I odd or off for not having eyebrows or eyelashes. I have spent countless hours (probably amounting to years) of wasted time worried about what others would think of me and how they would judge me. I spent more time so obsessed with covering up every possible scenario where my trich could be visible. No one noticed. The lawyer in me counters that the countless hours I spent covering it up worked but now I just see it as time in my life that I can never get back. Time I wasted worrying about what others thought.

The quote I used for today's blog is so true. I just wish I knew then what I know now. Your friends wont judge you, they will support you. We are so wrapped up in our own insecurities and shame with this disease that we often cant see that. We have a disease like anyone else. We wouldn't judge someone with a bipolar disorder, with cancer, with MS, we just wouldn't. So why wouldn't people give us the same courtesy? They will, we just have to give them a chance. And if they don't, or they wont take the time to listen and learn about trich, then they weren't a good friend anyway and ultimately they wont matter.

Reason #26- years of time wasted on worrying about what others might think about my trich.

Changing your mind

2010-03-08T10:34:00.003-05:00

Most times when people talk of changing their mind, it refers more to when you decide to go with a different option than the one you had originally planned. "I was going to buy the blue sweater but then changed my mind and bought the red". You know what I mean.

In my quest to beat trich, I've learned that I need change the way my mind thinks about hair, not just deal with the behavior. Now that most of my eyelashes and eyebrows are back, I'm having trouble controlling the urges since apparently I try to justify pulling to myself - "it wont make a difference, no one will notice" or "it'll just be one and then I'll stop" or "if I don't pull that one, I'll focus on all of them and do real damage".

Once again I'm going to compare my situation to that of an alcoholic- I cant pull just that one time just like an alcoholic cant drink just that one drink. I dont know who I think i"m kidding and I don't want to be thinking like this since obviously, if I do, I'll never beat trich. So far I've been able to talk myself out of this terrible, pathetic justification but I cant let it take over.

I have to get it through my head that if I allow myself to pull one today, it becomes easier to pull one tomorrow and then it really will make a difference and people really will notice. Obviously I can pull them faster than they can grow back. I've made so much progress and no one wants to go backwards, but to do that, my next step has to be eliminating these thoughts from my head. I have finally gotten to a place where I am not always worried about people discovering my "trich secret". I've change my routines, my behavior, so many things that made pulling easier but now it's time to work on changing my thought process and not letting the bullshit rationales and justifications take over.

The battle continues........

Reason #24- relationship issues caused by trich (hard to really be close to someone when you are hesitant to often be physically close for fear that they will uncover your 'secret' and end the relationship)

Checking in

2010-03-04T17:07:00.002-05:00

There isnt much to report from the last few days. Besides my slip the other day I have been doing pretty well although I'm now convinced that when I'm during "that time of month" the urges become worse (not too shocking given the hormonal changes)- thankfully my time is almost up.

I've been definitely feeling an improvement in my overall self confidence- the other day I was sledding outside (bright lights) in the snow (precipitation which used to make makeup smudge) and standing very close to others (another big fear). It felt good to not be worried about keeping my boundaries and just to live in the moment and enjoy. I'm also wondering if this will help improve my "intimacy" issues since now I wont be afraid to be so physically close to someone. It certainly cant hurt.

I just booked a last minute vacation to visit some family in Florida next weekend which I'm hoping will de-stress me a bit and I plan on coming back and getting on a strict exercise/yoga schedule since we all know those things help reduce stress which can help reduce urges. I read somewhere this week that one of the keys to being a "highly effective person" is getting up early and getting some form of exercise each day so every day this week I've pushed my alarm clock back (or forward? i made it earlier) by 15 minutes each day with the goal being a 5:30am wake up and time for yoga or the gym every morning. My goal is not just getting my hair back and keeping it in the short term, but really continuing to focus on behavioral changes which I can keep in place for long term success.

On a side note, knowing how bad the urges have been this week, I bought bingo & crossword scratch off lotto tickets. They are $2 each and take longer than regular scratch offs to see if you win. I've found that when the urges get really bad, I'll pull out a lotto ticket and just keep my hands busy with them for a few minutes and usually, by the time I'm done, the urge is better (it also helps take my mind off the hair i want to pull). Just a suggestion but it's really helped get me through this week and while I've spent about $20 this week in scratch offs, I've already won back $15!

Reason #23- the fear of getting something in my eyes (which isnt hard when you have no lashes and live in NYC) and not being able to have someone else look into my eye and see where that something is (and the worry of whether it will mess up my make up and i wont have time to fix it before people notice).

Things dont always go as planned

2010-03-02T09:47:00.003-05:00

Today I was planning on writing about all the good things from this past weekend. I was going to talk about how I faced off, and won, against bright lights, snow (rain), close encounters- so many things that normally i would have been self conscious about but this time around, with my new eyebrows and eyelashes, I was just happy.

But last night I pulled. Twice. I pulled two eyelashes from my right eye that were just a little higher up than the rest of my eyelashes and when I rubbed my fingers over my lashes, I couldnt stop focusing on them. I tried several of my methods to stop pulling- I got up and moved around, I played with my koosh ball thing, I tried reminding myself of why I didnt want to pull but it got the better of me. And looking back on last night I realize I didnt try hard enough. I convinced myself that they wouldnt be missed or even noticed because of all the other lashes. Not cool and I am not happy with the way I tried to rationalize this- such bullshit I'm trying to pull on myself.

On another blog I read the woman once admitted she slipped and then said she thought about lying about it on her blog. I did the same thing this morning but, like her, I refuse to lie to you or to myself. Once again I wish I could say that this struggle was getting easier, and in ways it is, but in many ways its just as hard as ever. We are like alcoholics or drug addicts- we cant have that first drink or just do "one line of coke" again and then go back to our substance -free existence. The pulling is our drug.

Yes, I'm proud of myself that I stopped after just 2, it shows that I have been working hard because now when I do slip and pull, at least I've been able to stop myself before doing serious damage. That said, I need to refocus and perhaps come up with some new ideas for dealing with urges....... I refuse to give up.

Reason #22- years of pictures that I hate to look at because of missing eyelashes/eyebrows and/or really bad make up when I tried to cover up my trich.

Genetics

2010-03-01T17:40:00.004-05:00

I know there are a lot of theories on why some people have trich and why other don't. Over the last few months I've been learning a lot about trich and speaking to friends and family about it for the first time. After learning how many members on my mom's side of the family suffer from trich to at least some degree, I find it hard to believe that there is no connection (at least in some cases).

This weekend my cousin from Florida was in town and at some point I brought up my trich. Once again I was shocked to learn that she never noticed I was missing eyebrows and eyelashes. And once again I was shocked to learn that she also pulls out eyebrow hair. She doesnt pull them all out but she confessed that she never uses tweezers or has to wax her eyebrows b/c she keeps them pretty thin and trim on her own.

So now the family that I know about that suffers from trich consists of:
1. My mom- pulled out her eyelashes for years
2. My aunt "B"(mom's sister)- pulls out her head hair when she is stressed
3. My cousin("B"s daughter)- pulls her eyebrow hairs
4. My great uncle (my moms uncle- her mothers brother)- we arent completely sure what he pulled but we know he at least pulled his head hair.
5. My second (?) cousin (great uncles granddaughter- not sure the exact relation)- pulled out all of her hair for decades.

While this may not seem like a ton of people- I have a pretty small family and these are only the ones I know about. Odd, huh? And so bizarre that most of us never realized others suffered from the same thing. It can't just be a coincidence.

>Reason #21- if trich can be genetic, I need to know how to stop so that I will be able to help my child and so he/she wont spent as much time suffering from this disease as I have.

Awesomeness

2010-02-25T20:13:00.002-05:00

I dont typically post more than once in a day but today I just had to. I just got home from work a little while ago and was in the bathroom getting ready to take off my make up and wash my face(another new routine I've been working on- doing an almost facial like cleansing as soon as I walked in the door). This was the first time today I was really able to see (in the light) how my lashes looked with a little mascara- it was incredible.

The hard work and all the new things I've been trying the last two months have been well worth it. I feel as much enthusiasm now to fight trich as the day I really put my foot down and decided to kick this once and for all. Finally being able to see the progress makes me not want to pull at all- I'm actually annoyed with myself for ever wanting to pull because I've missed out on years of feeling this good. Now I want them to be thicker and fuller and I cant wait until they are.

Anyway, I just wanted to share something positive. This is by no means the end of my struggle but was such a wonderful reminder of what I'm trying to achieve- not just having my hair back, but regaining the self confidence I've been missing for years. Keep up the hard work- its a slow process but once you are able to see your progress it will be worth every difficult minute! Good luck!

6 of one, 1/2 dozen of the other

2010-02-25T15:54:00.004-05:00

This morning I was trying to decide whether it was easier to not pull when the hair was really growing back in or when there was little hair and the ones coming in were stubby/short/dark/alone? Let's be honest, both scenarios suck and I'm sure, like me, you'd rather just not want to pull at all.

Now that my hair is really growing back there are so many options to pull. There are more "wrong way" and "stand out" hairs to choose from which makes it tough but I am getting closer and closer to FINALLY having my eyebrows and eyelashes back. This morning on my way back to the office from court, I stopped in the Mac store at Grand Central station and bought mascara for the first time ever. I've used mascara before but usually because I get it as part of the free Clinique gift or something- I've never actually gone out and bought mascara.

I must admit that it felt so good to be able to take that step and I admitted to the makeup woman that this was the first time I've ever really had eyelashes so I needed a little lesson on how to put on make up (its different when you are using it to compliment the hair you already have vs. using the makeup to substitute the hair you dont). Anyway, I cant believe that I actually came out and told her- a complete stranger. I didnt give her a reason but I also didnt start off with a bullshit excuse or lie.

Anyway, because I was feeling so good and confident with my "new hair" I decided to take it one step further and bought concealer, different brushes, a whole bunch of stuff. Normally I am in and out when it comes to make up because I'm so self conscious about my face and I've never really taken the time how to learn how to use make up but it was wonderful to have this new confidence- I just have to remind myself of that great feeling (instead of the bad feeling i always get after I pull) when the urges get really strong.

Reason #20 (skipping to 20 after your suggestions for #18 and #19)- never learning how to actually use make up for its intended purpose since that would have required having a stranger too close to my face.

A time to heal

2010-02-24T10:03:00.004-05:00

Well last night I caved and bought a new pair of tweezers. Its pathetic that I could barely make it 72 hours without picking up those little silver pulling aids but its the truth. On a positive note, I stuck to my new routine, went into the bathroom as soon as I got home, pulled only the ones I allow myself to pull (a weekly trim of the eyebrows and the random body hairs) and then put the tweezers away and never returned. Unlike the previous two nights, my stress level was greatly reduced and I wasnt constantly stroking my eyebrows, nor obsessing over any other hairs. Sadly I think buying the tweezers kept me from slipping and doing real damage.

Last night I also couldnt help but think that it has been two months and its still a pretty tough struggle. Part of me anticipated that 21 years wouldnt be corrected in just a couple months but I did hope it would get easier. While there are many situations that I've learned to deal with differently, it's still requiring constant focus and drive to keep up the progress. I'm still committed, I just am ready for it to get a little easier. To help keep myself focused, I'm going to use today to reflect on the last two months and put my list of reasons to stop together in this post so I have something to go back on and remind myself of all the reasons to stop (and I'd encourage anyone reading to comment and add to this list - I will repost again soon with even more reasons!).

Reason #1 to stop -the feeling that you have to run to the bathroom when hooking up with a guy to make sure the eyeliner is still in place so he doesnt easily see what is missing.

Reasons #2 to stop- Rain (and swimming, and anything that has to do with water since you never know how it will leave your make up and that feeling in the bottom of your stomach when you are out, you cant fix your make up, and you wonder how bad it is).

Reason #3: Pictures/closeups which seem to make the lack of eyelashes that much more apparent.

Reason #4: Camping/outdoor excursions- (I LOVE the outdoors but always hold back on going on trips where I know I will be around others but will have to come up with an excuse as to why i'm fixing my make up on a nature hike!)

Reason #5- crowded situations where you are forced to talk to people very close up and become extremely self conscious.

Reason # 6- feeling powerless that something has so much control over who I am, what I do, and how I live my life.

Reason #6- networking function requiring close talking

Reason # 7- the wrinkles that are appearing on my forehead (i'm 29!) because I always raise my eyebrows when stroking my eyelashes and feeling for what I will be trying to pick/not pick next- over the years I think I've spent so much time lifting my eyebrows to pluck my eyebrows that I'm getting premature awful wrinkles (which I just noticed a couple weeks ago too!).

Reason #8- the fear of bright spots/locations.

Reason #9 to stop- the anxiety of realizing I’m somewhere without my eyeliner.

Reason #10- being filmed where I cant control the views and close ups that are taken.

Reason #11- the dark circles that will often appear around my eyes as a result of wearing eyeliner (which smudges) with no eyelashes.

Reason #12- the need to always wear make up to hide the signs of trich

Reason #13- always feeling self conscious that people are aware of your 'secret'

Reason #14 -the unnecessary anxiety that is created when I feel a hair that is "out of place" and cant stop obsessing about it. Who needs extra anxiety in their life?

Reason #15- the scars that have developed on my body that will forever be a constant reminder of my trich and the embarrassment over having to try and explain where they came from.

Reason #16- all the bullshit stories I’ve told to “explain” why I have no eyebrows or eyelashes and the crappy way lying makes me feel.

Reason #17- the time/energy wasted on trying to cover up my trich.

My Tweezer Codependency

2010-02-23T11:12:00.003-05:00

Atlantic City was, well, Atlantic City. As expected, there were plenty of gold chain wearing fist pumping guidos and my friend had decided that we dont deal with enough crowds in NYC and that we would go to a club where we were probably the oldest people there and unable to move an inch. Fun times. It was nice to have a change of scenery and it was wonderful spending time with my friend Danielle - I cant remember the last time we had a girls weekend together. It would have been great if we had won some money but oh well- at least we didnt lose too much.

I've held strong since my slip up last week but felt it was time to address my tweezer codependency. I havent always used tweezers to pull, it probably started around high school and again, I didnt start pulling my eyebrows until college.

Despite my current battle to manage trich, I had not yet given up the tweezers. I was using them only for random body hairs that I obsess over (i truthfully havent been fighting this aspect of trich) and for when my eyebrows are out of control so I dont go crazy (i've admitted this before). At some point this weekend, the tweezers went missing. I'm not sure if I lost them in my laundry or if I just misplaced them somewhere, but they have been missing since Saturday.

First let me confess that I do pull hairs from all other areas of my body- I'll tweeze around my belly button, random dark hairs that appear on my chest every few months (i'm a dark blonde naturally, well, i think i am since its been a while since I saw my natural color), wherever a hair appears that doesnt seem to belong. This is another side of trich that I am so embarrassed about and have never before admitted.

Over the years i have devoped little scars on my body from all the unnatural tweezing I have done. I obsess over these hairs since, unlike eyebrows and eyelashes, they seem SO unnatural. Whether that is rational or not, that is how I think. If trich is like any other addiction, I probably would need to give this "pulling" up to in order to beat my trich but, for some reason, I'm really just focused on my eyebrows and eyelashes (although I've been better about pulling everything).

Anyway, Sunday night was when I noticed the tweezers were really missing. For most 'normal' people, they would just figure it was lost and go about their day. Not me. I searched for the tweezers and had a feeling of panic in my stomach when they didnt turn up. Luckily Sunday's search only lasted about 10 minutes and then I was able to relax and let it go. Last night was a little different.

My eyebrow hairs have been coming in so well that last night was time to do a little natural trimming so I could prevent them from getting too out of control which would inevitably lead me to pulling them all out. This may sound like I'm avoiding my trich entirely, but this is how I need to do this. Anyway, there are 3 eyebrow hairs that are much lower than my eyebrows- they are close to the eyelid but not eyelashes. They are actually painful. That may sound crazy, but even sitting here now I can feel them. Normally i would allow myself to tweeze these hairs (and only these hairs) but I still couldnt find the tweezer.

Perhaps it was that I was completely exhausted last night and wasnt as conscious of my behavior but the missing tweezer almost sent me into an anxiety attack. I NEEDED to get those hairs out and couldnt stop thinking about them. I know how this all sounds and I suppose I felt that until I admitted my tweezer codependency, I would be not fully opening up to anyone reading or to myself.

To keep from using the tweezers regularly I have been keeping them at the opposite end of my apartment so I don't just use it- so I have to consciously get up and decide to use them. Its been working in the sense that once every week or two I allow myself to do a small grooming of my eyebrows and i haven't been using it to pull like I normally would. I do, however, use the tweezers fairly regularly to pull out any "out of place/unnatural body hairs" that appear. I'm mortified at the idea of hooking up with a guy only to have him see I have random black hairs all around my bellybutton, but another part of me is mortified at, in this same scenario, a guy (or anyone at the beach) seeing the tiny little scars I've accumulated in the process.

Even now I'm thinking about those 3 little hairs. Normally during the day I dont have any urges to pull but right now that isnt the case- I still want them out.

I dont know how to reconcile this situation. I know that I cant give up getting rid of those body hairs but dont want to risk it spilling over and affecting the progress I've made with my eyebrows and eyelashes (on Sunday morning just wearing a little mascara and nothing else which is a definite first for me- it feels SO empowering).

Anyway, that's my confession. I haven't figured out how to address this aspect of my trich or how to change my mindset so that I can live with those little dark hairs all over me. The plush little toy I bought last week to keep my hands busy isn't helping this particular situation. If you have suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Until then, I'm going to just try keeping my focus and hope that I can get past this and come up with a realistic plan...........

Reason #15- the scars that have developed on my body that will forever be a constant reminder of my trich and the embarrassment over having to try and explain where they came from.

What a week

2010-02-18T10:12:00.004-05:00

I know that I've slacked off this week with my posts and I'm sorry for anyone that has been reading my blog. This has been another crazy week with my trial (that was supposed to start yesterday and now looks like it will start Monday), the boy situation, family stuff- really when the chaos starts it just keeps coming. Besides my one brief slip last week, and another slip on Monday when I pulled one of the wrong way hairs, I'm doing pretty well and my eyelashes and eyebrows are looking really good.

Truthfully I cant think of what to write about today. On Friday, after months of being lied to, I finally found out the now-ex-boyfriend is married. He called and finally fessed up, claiming it was a bad marriage and that they dont even sleep in the same room. While I'm not judging anyone else in a similar situation- to me, this is not acceptable. Either get a therapist or get a divorce but dont drag me into your drama. He called and texted over and over, begging me to meet him on Saturday so he could explain. I dont know what there is to explain. As much as I liked him, and as hurt as I am over this situation, I refused to play his games and never responded after that one phone conversation. That was enough for me.

So it sucks. There is a new rebound guy for now but unfortunately the worst part is the breach of trust. How do you go on trusting people when there are so many liars out there? Sadly part of me hopes that he calls but a bigger part of me knows I wouldnt want anything to do with him if he is the type of person who will cheat on his wife. No thanks.

Anyway, thats been fun drama for the last couple weeks but again, I'm pretty proud of myself for doing as well as I have with pulling in the face of all this stress. On Sunday night I literally had to keep getting up and keeping busy so I wouldnt pull, to the point where I couldnt even go to bed at a normal hour because I kept forcing myself to get out of bed when I had urges. It was a rough night but I made it through.

This weekend, despite the horrible timing, I am going away with girlfriends to Atlantic City to celebrate two of my friends turning 30. Right now its a bit stressful trying to plan it and get everything done but I'm sure it'll be a welcome distraction once we are there. In the meantime, just have to stay positive, know that I can beat this horrible disease and keep taking it one day at a time!

Reason #14- the unnecessary anxiety that is created when I feel a hair that is "out of place" and cant stop obsessing about it. Who needs extra anxiety in their life?

Couldnt make this stuff up

2010-02-12T11:07:00.002-05:00

Let's start with the bad news. The bad news is that on Wednesday night I slipped and pulled. That's the bad news. The good news is that I made it 17 days without pulling. The good news is this time I only pulled one and I was able to stop from pulling any more. The good news is I dont feel horrible about the situation- I'm actually feeling proud of myself for making it as far as I did, for being in control enough from stopping myself from really doing damage, and for allowing myself this slip without allowing the guilt to take over and move me back to the bottom of my trich progress ladder.

Based upon everything thats going on right now, and as I've indicated before, I'm not shocked that I slipped. On Wednesday I found out that the last three months I've spent with my now ex-bf were a total lie. To give the quick summary- we had plans for Saturday and he went MIA. No word, nothing. He'd never done that before and everything with us seemed to be going great so it was so bizarre and, to top it off, his phone had been broken for days. By Wednesday I started getting really worried that maybe he wasnt just being an asshole and blowing me off, but that he could be dead in a ditch. He's not.

I called his friend and left a message that I was just concerned and then called the restaurant he was working at (and that he told me he quit last Thursday) and was asked "who is this, his wife?" Oh yes. Then they basically told me that his last name may not even be his last name. His friend called me back and said he was fine, just had to leave for Italy early b/c his mom had a stroke. Hmmm. About 10 minutes later I start getting multiple texts from him saying he is fine, his mother isnt doing well but he's in Italy. Then he starts saying our relationship is moving to fast, that he isnt married, just scared and didnt know how to tell me (and really our relationship was moving slowly and I've always been really laid back about it). I dont know if he thought he was breaking up with me b/c in my mind, with all the shit I already was thinking after he went MIA, it was already over. I dont need that drama.

It got better. He then called and continued to insist everything he told me was the truth and that, when he got back, he wanted to talk and get drinks. I said there was no point. I was really proud how calm I stayed throughout our talk- I didnt get upset, didnt give him that satisfaction. The whole thing was just crazy and its scary knowing I spent 3 months with someone and might not even know what his name really was. Last night I was emailing with my friend Peter, who had met the bf, and was filling him in on the latest. Peter offered to go to the restaurant and see if he was there and I couldnt pass up the opportunity to get some clarity. He wasnt there but, apparently he had called in earlier to see if it was busy and he could take off and he was due in the next day. So much for taking care of a dying mother in Italy- who lies about that?

At least I know. Of course it's hurtful and makes me sad, but I dont want to waste my time on someone who I cant trust and who doesnt want to really be with me, let alone someone that is even willing to lie about his mom like that. Thats just sick.

So all the emotions of this and everything else that has added up and I slipped. But I held out a long time, I was able to control the situation and not go on a pulling rampage, and now I"m ready to make it 18 days. Learning to manage trich is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. I have to train myself to handle stressful situations because, lets be honest, how often is life really stress-free? And the best revenge I can think is to one day see him again and look fantastic, with my eyelashes and eyebrows fully grown. Screw him.

Reason #13 to stop- always feeling self conscious that people are aware of your 'secret'

Choosing not to pull (sounds so easy, doesnt it?)

2010-02-10T10:08:00.004-05:00

It's been a hell of a week and a half and while life hasn't gotten too much less stressful, I'm still somehow hanging on day to day. I swear each night has been getting harder and this is taking every bit of willpower I have in me. While I want to pull less and less after seeing such positive results with my hair really growing in, the uncontrollable, and also subconscious, need to pull is testing me each day.

I'm trying to think of trich as the one thing right now I can control- I dont HAVE to pull. While so many other things in life dont give you a choice, I can do everything in my power to choose not to pull. Anyone with trich knows that this isnt an easy decision. It's not something you can just wake up one day and say "guess what, I'm never going to pull again, thats my choice!" ha. If it were that simple, there wouldn't be so many people suffering from this disease and living a life often filled with shame over the pulling. But I'm trying to take any energy I can summon into fighting this and giving myself the choice not to pull, and not to want to pull. I have trich but trich doesnt have to control me.

It's funny but I used to think that once I got to the point where I had a good amount of eyelashes then I wouldnt want to pull anymore (at this point I've been able to use a little mascara which I havent done in who knows how long- just shows they really are coming in). I figured that I would feel so good about not pulling that I just wouldnt do it. Again, if only it were that easy. Now there are just more choice and opportunities to pull (or you can look at it as opportunities NOT to pull). I can choose from the wrong way hairs, the thicker hairs, the short stubby hairs, the out of place hairs- it's like going into a chocolate store, so many choices you just want to get your hands on. I'm obsessing now over every hair on my body. I knew this wasnt going to be easy but I guess I hoped it wouldnt be this hard.

So my battle will continue. I want it, I want it so bad. If I cant figure out a way to control it this time, when I want to beat it more than I ever have before, I dont know when it will happen. I know that I wont be perfect, that I may slip up and thats ok. Whether its a good thing or a bad, I just keep telling myself that for all the things that kind of suck right now in life, and let's be honest there are always people who have it SO much worse, my life will only get better if I work really hard and stay focused on managing/beating my trich (oh, and I talked to my friend Megan about my trich last week and she was, not surprisingly, wonderfully supportive).

That's all I have for now. I wish I could be more encouraging and make it sound like battling trich gets easier over time but I'm not going to lie to myself or anyone else. It's hard, but that doesnt mean its impossible.

Reason #12- the need to always wear make up to hide the signs of trich (it would be so nice to just be able to wash my face, put on chapstick and go out).